Wednesday, June 30
Jun. 30 Wed.
"Eto? ETO?! SIGNAL NUMBER ONE LANG 'TO?! PANO PA KAYA SIGNAL NUMBER TWO?!" -me
I love it when its all windy and rainy and freezing cold...
*looks out the window*
BUT NOT LIKE THIS!
I was ranting in the bus. Unfair! How come the elementary gets to stay home because of this weather? I mean, yeah, they're smaller...but a lot of us highschool students are small too! And...as I frantically tried to fix my hair, as it was whipped about in the wind, I wondered out loud...
"Damn...if this is signal number 1...PANO PA KAYA SIGNAL NUMBER 2?!"
My busmates Rosalyn and Fatima were even more irritated. I was laughing. Iba na talaga kung 1st year highschool.
...
I liked it when the wind came in cold, sharp gusts. My skin felt like it was being caressed by soft, freezing hands. But everytime the wind blew and howled, I'd only think of who's responsible...
Beija. Wind's gal.
Heh, funny. When rain poured down in sheets, she'd think of me as the one responsible too, haha.
...
Classes were suspended, thank God. But they couldn't have picked a worse time. It was lunch, and I was already dressed in my PE uniform (shorts!), and my mind was prepped for a geometry quiz. I ended up leaning against a wall, the cold wind freezing my legs, my mind pounding with what I reviewed, and my stomach grumbling... I forgot my money, and hadn't eaten lunch yet...
My berks and I hung around for a while, before proceeding to the multi. They all went their ways, but I stood amidst the busses, looking for mine. That's when...the WB gang showed up. Te Joanne, the two Beas, Vamp, Camille, and I were standing there, in the clearing, laughing about stuff, and cheering at the howling wind every once in a while. At some point, the wind came in so strong, I had to hang on to a car for dear life. *Man...I really gotta get some pounds packed into me...*
...
A embraced a little girl that afternoon... I held her cuts and scars, and I tried to heal her... I didn't know if it would work, so I just prayed that God may help her with whatever she's going through. I embraced her, even though she claimed she had no morals, and was nothing more than a cold, undead creature.
Why bother?
Coz I can feel that she has so much in store for her in the future...she was meant to do many things, meant to have a beautiful life...meant to LIVE.
...she hugged me back.
I was stunned.
I felt Hope. He was surrounding her. And she probably thinks she has none. Ah, but I knew...and I hope I can show her just how fortunate she is. I hope I can make her SEE hope.
I hugged her tighter and smiled.
...
She was talking. She was right beside me, and I just listened to her. I wanted to close my eyes and fall asleep to the sound of her voice. But somehow, I felt like...she's trailing off...
Its weird...
How short is one inch? Really short. If you would measure a hi-way inch by inch, it would take something like an eternity, right?
...
I could feel it...
She was inching away from me.
She was right next to me, but I knew...
...
She was already at the other end of the hi-way.
Monday, June 28
Jun. 28 Tues.
"It's kinda hard to hold someone high and steal her pain...if that someone wants to do the exact same thing to you." -me
I. am gonna. KILL. Father Joel.
...
First mass for the schoolyear, oath-taking of the officers. We assembled at the multi, and went through the mass. The heat was a sadist, but the HOMILY was a killer.
Father Joel spoke of...well..the school thrust, pretty much. Let us celebrate the joy of FORGIVENESS.
That's one twitch for me and my sis.
Here's a couple of lines that REALLY hit home, and sent us sinking into our chairs, and dangerously fiddling with sharp pointed objects:
"...at marami jang mga hindi kayang pagbigyan ang kanilang mga SARILI!"
"...because in Jesus' love and forgiveness, we are given HOPE..."
"...we must learn to LET GO OF THE PAST..."
And a line from a song:
"...though a MOTHER FORSAKE HER CHILD..."
...
Ah, but the priest was wrong in one aspect. And we were more than happy to know that we had the right answer.
Fr.Joel: "Tingnan nyo yung mga taong hindi mapagbigyan ang mga sarili nila...naka-simangot. Ang sama ng mukha, ano? Parang tinambakan ng lahat ng problema ng mundo..."
Me: *eyes widen* *slowly shakes head* "Oh...you're wrong about that..." *looks across multi at Beija*
Beija: *eyes wide* *vigorously shaking her head* "That's not right!" *looks at me* "Naka-smile nga, diba?"
Me: "Yeah! Nako, si father talaga..." *shakes finger at the priest* "Ang dami mo pang hindi alam..."
Us: *laughs*
...
We had long recess then, I pretty much hung out with my berks. When we all went up, I just spent some time leaning on the railing.
Pretty soon, somebody joined me.
"Heya, sis."
"Heya. You gonna jump?"
"Erm..."
"I'll jump after you, y'know."
...
*sigh* "Alright, alright..."
We spent the remainder of our break just talking about stuff - mainly about the mass - and dangerously stepping up and leaning on the railing every now and then. There were some points where we would stop talking, stare blankly ahead, and just stay that way...
...
Scars were still fresh, and wounds were still stinging as they healed. Bandages were still damp with blood, eyes were still red, and bullets...were still deeply embedded.
The longing to save others...to lessen the pain of the ones we love... The urge to give up every last part of ourselves for others, even if it meant a great deal of pain for us... And the overwhelming guilt that gnaws at us when the very people we want to save and protect are hurting...
*Mana mana lang...*
...
Quite inevitably, we found ourselves wrestling for each other's wrists again, in attempt to steal/fix/absorb each other's pain. It went on for quite a while, much to the curiosity of everyone - especially Issa, Pia, and Giselle.
Us: *wrestling, trying to get a hold of each other's wrists*
Pia: *looks at us* "What are you DOING?!"
Us: "Erm...its...kinda hard to explain..."
Issa: "L.Q.!!!" *manic laughter*
Us: *pause* *doubles over, laughing* "Gagi, hinde, noh!"
Me: "It's a sister thing, hehehe..."
Beija: "Yeah, a form of bonding."
Us: *laughs* *resumes wrestling*
Them: *stares*
Pia: "Y'know, Bea...you have got to be one of the weirdest people I have ever met!"
Beija: "Thank you!" *pause* "Hey, could you hold her other arm for me?"
Pia: *holds my arm*
Me: "NOOOO!!!"
Beija: "Aha! Yay!"
Pia: *lets go*
Us: *resumes wrestling*
Beija: *holds my hands VERY firmly in place*
Me: *struggles frantically, but to no avail*
(pause)
Me: *stops struggling* "...I know witchcraft, y'know..."
Beija: "I know...but I also know Reiki!"
(wrestling ensues)
Us: *ends up in another loop*
(pause)
Us: "Erk...truce?"
...
At some point, Mikee showed up. Beija was leaning her head on her folded arms on the railing, and I was right beside her, trying to make her feel better. Mikee suddenly asked me about my... *choke* "Love Life", coz I seemed so sad and broken-hearted...
Mikee: "Celine...tell me. Who broke your heart?"
Me: *twitch* "Ah...I..."
Mikee: "He's a JERK!"
Me: *eyes widen* "Erm.."
Mikee: "Whoever that guy is, he's STUPID! I wanna kill him!"
Me: "Wha?"
Mikee: "He let go of the most beautiful gift in the world!!! Binasura lang niya, and he hurt you!"
Beija: *twitch*
(pause)
Me: "Ah...Mikee, I'm not the most beautiful gift in the world...the guy is. I'm the WORST. And besides...the guy is happy now...and that...that's all that really matters..." *smiles*
Mikee: "No! I won't allow it! HE...HE TOOK YOUR VIRGINITY!"
(pause)
Me&Beija: *roars with laughter* "Oh GOD!" *loud, hysterical laughter*
Beija: *steps up the railing, prepares to fling herself forward* "AAAAHHHH!!!"
Well, I wanted to stay for more interesting chit-chat, but I realized that it was time for English, and I was LATE. I rushed to class. But Mikee's words still echoed in my mind till dismissal.
...
At dismissal, yet another wrestling match ensued. And yet again, we ended with a loop.
Dang, it really is kinda hard to hold someone high and steal her pain...if that someone wants to do the exact same thing to you...
...
Baka naman...baka yun ang dahilan...
Oo nga, ano...
...
*shakes head*
A brand new heartbeat was pounding along with mine... My sister's energy... It still feels strange, but...
Hey, I stole her pain, and replaced it with my energy too... she probably feels the same way.
...
*smiles*
Jun. 28 Mon.
"Sorry I never told you
all I wanted to say...
Now it's too late to hold you
Coz you've flown away,
So far away..." -One Sweet Day, Boys II Men
I'm intrigued...
This brand new emotion I'm feeling...is it pain? Is it healing? Is it bad? Is it good? Dammit, I WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS! I tried to write it down...
...
*What Is It?*
by: cursedchild
It hurts so much...
It SHOULD, I know.
But its funny...
Curious, really.
...
I don't feel a thing.
...
I'm full of something,
I can sense it.
But I don't know what it is...
Not anymore...
...
Maybe its sadness...
Or anger - hatred, even...
It's strong, I'll give you that.
But I still don't know what it is.
...
It's quite weird.
Like...all my supressed emotions merged together in a thick, murky, fermenting glob.
It's inside me,
Right underneath my skin...
I can feel its sickeningly warm breath
Pounding through my veins.
...
Argh, but I still don't know what it is!
I wanted to know -
Because it was hurting me on a new level.
It's right beneath my skin, dammit!
...
And so I smiled...
And sliced open my wrist.
...
Now I knew what it was...
But sadly...
Nobody else would ever know.
...
I'm not hurting anymore. It doesn't hurt as much when I think of her, and what could have been if. It feels so damn weird. My hands were itching to inflict pain on myself just to feel NORMAL again.
*Did my prayer to St. Jude actually pay off?*
Now, everytime I think of her, her savior, and more of those 'what if's... I just shrug, and think:
"Eh, wala na akong magagawa pa dun, eh. Basta masaya nanaman siya, diba? Masaya na sila sa isa't-isa. O, di mabuti. Bakit pa ako eepal at magpapa-epek?"
...
I'm just sorry.
Sorry that I didn't get to do, say, think, and feel a helluva lot of stuff for her when I had the chance.
Sorry I never got to tell her...
Just how downright *beautiful* she is.
Inside and out.
...
My words mean nothing. Nothing at all. She'd just clutch them in her hands, then let them slip through her warm fingers, like the sands of time...to be taken by the winds, lost forever in her fathomless mind and soul.
Everytime I speak from the heart...
Leche, naiiyak na nga ako sa sobrang pagka-seryoso. Galing talaga sa kasuluk-sulukan ng sira-sira kong puso...
She just becomes cynical.
...
I hate myself for it. I don't blame her at all. She has reason to be cynical. And heck, it's part of my curse. People turn away from me when I want to be seen, but fu*k, they see me when I want to hide.
She'd never know...
But then again, even if she did, I doubt she would really care. It wouldn't really matter, would it? None of it does. None of it ever will. Why?
Coz she doesn't need to know.
She's saved now, remember? She's got her savior to tell her all these things, and I'm sure she'll appreciate them a helluva lot more coming from her savior than from me.
And guess what?
...
She doesn't need ME.
Nobody does.
Sunday, June 27
Jun. 27 Sun.
"If all else fails...well...pray to patron of hopeless cases - St. Jude." -Sir Ruel
I was pretty much blank the whole day. I knew it was supposed to hurt...but it didn't. It was a dull feeling - like drowning in thick gloppy cement from the inside. If this was pain...it was a whole new level.
...
I wasn't quite completely conscious when I was slowly taking one step at a time to recieve the holy Eucharist. The only prayer murmuring in my head was:
"God...God... Oh God... Bahala ka na sakin..."
At that small moment, as I looked down at the small piece of Jesus nestled between the my ring-covered fingers and ink-laden, dirt-stained hands... Something suddenly registered in my brain. It was like...somebody just clicked on a lightbulb, and imposed the whole thought in my mind... Like somebody just whispered it to me...
*Pray to Saint Jude...the patron of hopeless cases.*
I blinked.
And the priest blinked back at me.
...
I prayed to him.
"Saint Jude... erm...uh... Dunno what to say, really... I just... I pray that you please...PLEASE give me hope. Hope was taken away from me. Please help me find it...so that I can also help others find theirs. If there's no hope for me, Saint Jude, then...then... Then just let me be able to help other see THEIR hope."
...
By the end of the day, something dawned to me.
"Hope cannot be taken away from you, its always there... You just can't see it."
Well, then...since...I'm kept alive for this long, I guess...I guess...
I prayed to him again.
"Saint Jude... *inhale* I...I don't know why God is keeping me alive. Why He seemingly CRUELLY lets me go through these things... Heh, you went through the exact same things, eh? No, yours were worse. And you pulled through... Well, then... Please...let me be able to SEE hope. And...grant that I may also help others see hope too..."
...
Faith, Hope, and Love...
Love ran away from me.
Hope was snatched away from me.
Oh God...
...
You made me lose it all...but please..don't make me lose my FAITH in You...
It's all I have.
...
Saturday, June 26
Jun. 26 Sat.
"I've nowhere else to go
but I cannot stay where I don't belong..." -Exodus, Evanescence
...
Ako dapat.
Ako dapat yung nasa yakap niya.
Ako.
...
Pero sino naman ako? ANO naman ako? Para hawakan siya...
Wala.
...
Nagpaka-close friend na lang ako. Hanggang dun na lang naman, diba?
Ang saya niya...grabe...
Napatulala ako.
...
Siguro...siguro kung sana napasaya ko siya katulad ng manliligtas niya,
kung sana nandun ako para sa kanya nung nagdurusa siya,
kung hindi sana ako nagpaka-duwag,
kung mas maganda lang sana ako - mas matalino, mas malakas, mas nakakatawa, mas optimistic, siguro...
Siguro...
...
Nako, babaeng ahas...umasa ka pa.
...
...
Tumahimik ka na lang, at ngumiti...
Magaling ka nanaman dun, diba?
Friday, June 25
Jun. 25 Fri.
"This...this is a loop, isn't it?" -me
This day was hilarious.
At breaktimes, me and my berks were clutching our stomachs, aching all over with uncontrollable manic laughter. Myka was at it again. She was trying to show us what kind of poses the club moderators would make if they were to endorse their clubs. Here are some that really got me rolling on the floor. Can you guess what the moderators/clubs are?
A guy holding a metal bowl by his side with one arm, and the other clutching a spatula, stirring. The hands were purposely made obvious. Oh yeah. Geometric shaped pies are good. Mmmmm... _a_ _n_ w_t_ A_t (club)
A guy in mid-split jump across the court, a hand clutching a basketball, about to dunk it into the basket, with his tongue stuck out (like in NBA). You know what they say: It's always the quiet ones... S_r _ y (moderator)
An sweet old lady, captured in a photo in mid-skip, a great big smile that squints her eyes, with arms reaching for the sky, the Eiffel Tower in the background. If God is love, would He have to speak that language too? _re_ _h (club)
A person up in a balcony, dramatically reaching down to another person who is climbing the side of the house, arms dramatically reaching upward. Theatrical words are practically shouted to the audience. Portrayal of Romeo and Juliet was never better - or louder, for that matter. Problem is...who's Romeo, and who's Juliet? M_ F_a_ci_ _o & S_r _i_ ce (moderators)
A guy with arms spread wide open, nailed to a cross. Hm...its pretty much self-explanatory... _M_A (club)
Needless to say, we were all psyched up for the club selling.
...
During the club selling, people were flocking to the front, to get a better view. I was pretty much left alone on a bench, coz I didn't feel like listening. A few benches behind me, a certain sado-masochistic psycho was at it again...
I pointed a finger at her. She eventually lowered the yellow booklet she was reading, and saw me. Ah, but she kept on reading anyway. *Ganyanan na pala, ah...sige, parehas lang tayong masokista.* In attempt to make her stop hurting herself, I picked out a signpen from my pocket, popped the cap off, made sure she saw it, and slowly dug the point into my wrist.
...
I had my eyes closed then...and I hardly noticed. I was relishing the pain. I didn't know how long I stayed that way, or just how embedded the point was into my skin. But then, I heard a pound on a table, and scruffled noises...before she rushed to my side and snatched the pen away. I sank back into my seat.
*Si Beija talaga!*
And so it went. The battle of the masochists. She was reading a very dangerous book, and I had a pen dug into my wrist. She snatched the pen away, but I took out more pens from my pocket. She slapped her hand to her forhead, and got an idea.
"You've got pens, but I got a knife!"
Damn. I forgot about that. Shoot, I shoulda brought my good 'ol Wilcor... But I had the winner. All I had to do was let my hair fall into my face, close my eyes, and slowly smile. The ultimate pain.
...
She sat beside me. We had a couple of laughs, along with Issa and Pia.
At some point, we hugged Issa.
At some point, Beija hugged me.
At some point, "Bring Me To Life" was blaring on the speakers, and I was slumped over on the table, resting my head on my folded arms. Beija put her arm around me and stroked my hair.
At some point, I winced at the slight pressure on my wrist, and showed the wound made by the pen earlier. It was red and swollen, a single dot of bloody ink in the middle...it was like a bite from a 1-toothed vampire.
At some point, Beija held my wounded wrist, closed her eyes, and wouldn't let go...
...
And at some point, I felt weird. Like...a second heart was beating along with my own. It felt strange...like my body was made out of knotted wires, and they were being straightened out.
At some point, Beija was slightly doubling over, and coughing.
At some point, I was frantically wrenching my wrist from her grip. Damn...she was stealing my pain. No, actually, she was giving her energy to me...
She knew Reiki.
...
I grabbed her wrist with my hand, and clung on tight. I closed my eyes, and focused my energy into small imaginary strings that escaped through my fingers, which embedded into her skin. I absorbed as much pain as I could from her, and replaced it with positive energy.
I didn't know Reiki, but I had my ways.
When she realized what I was doing, she pulled away too...and tried to make a grab for my wrist to take back the pain. I pulled my hands out of her reach, and grabbed her hands again.
And so it went. The battle of the two sisters.
Pia and Issa only stared curiously, as we spent the rest of the club selling time wrestling with each other, trying to steal each other's pain.
...
At some point, we ended up...kinda stuck.
We stopped struggling, looked down at our arms and hands, and just stared. We had our hands crossed over, and clutching each other's wrists. A figure 8.
"This...this is a loop, isn't it..?"
...
Damn loops. So, that's what it looked like in real life.
Thursday, June 24
Jun. 24
"You were right, sis...this day wasn't so bad." -me
I didn't like Thursdays. They were always so damn long and boring.
But my sister told me...that it wasn't gonna be so bad...
...
English period...with Sir Eric...
...Has got to be the weirdest period ever.
And this one...was just plain special.
...
Sir gave us an assignment. He told us to write descriptive words or phrases for the following: Nose, mouth, eyes, posture, gait. I was too lazy to take it seriously, so I did the assignment lying down on a bed the night before.
He asked a couple of my classmates to share. They gave descriptions like: Such a big nose, a mouth so big an apple could fit in it, large eyes...etc. We all enjoyed hearing those. I was laughing my head off. But since he didn't call on me yet, I chose to volunteer. *I wasn't gonna let his period pass without me getting at least a tiny grade for recitation.*
"Sir, may I share my work?"
"Please do."
"Thanks. This one is about...the mouth."
...
"Her pale-rose lips were always pressed lightly against each other, gently holding back a thousand gentle secrets of her mysterious soul."
...
I looked up at him, expecting him to think it was pathetic...like my dad and brother. He was just staring at me, slightly gaping. His eyes were wide, and his mouth was twitching into a smile. He stuttered.
"That...that...that was... Everybody! Everybody listen to what Celine wrote! Could you please repeat that?"
I did. He was all smiles. The whole class was staring at me, lost for words. A few "Oh my God...ang galing...ang ganda..." drifted around, and I raised my eyebrow.
*It's no big deal, really...*
As I sat down, Sir was still staring at me. When he finally found his voice, he asked...
Sir Eric: "Do you write a lot?"
Me: "Uh...yes, sir, I do." *smiles*
Sir Eric: *smiles* "Yes, I can see that now... Very good, Celine!" *turns to class* "Don't you think so? Let's give her a big round of applause!"
Class: *claps*
Me: *sinks into my chair*
Sir Eric: *looks at me* "That was...very beautiful, Celine! Excellent! Magnificent!" *turns to class again* "Class, give me more adjectives to describe what she wrote!"
Everybody: "Marvelous! Incredible! Amazing!"
Me: *eyes widen* *whimpers* "Tama na!"
...
Heck...if I had known my work would actually be appreciated outside my household...I would have given them copies of my works. And as for Sir Eric...
I should have shown him my WHOLE assignment:
...
NOSE: He had a long, hooked nose with a slope that resembled a tall, majestic mountainside; on which tiny beads of sweat would slowly roll down on warm days.
MOUTH: Her pale-rose lips were always pressed lightly against each other, holding back a thousand gentle secrets of her mysterious soul.
EYES:
a) Her eyes were empty. They were cold and dark, like ebonic whirlpools that threatened to pull in and drown anyone who would dare look into her dark brown orbs. And for those who were foolish enough to dare...they were drowned in her hollow gaze, as the compelling mystery behind her eyes stole their souls.
b) Her eyes would always be red and swollen from crying...like majestic twin suns setting across the horizon. And the tears that brimmed her eyes sparkled like drops of liquid diamonds.
POSTURE: She was tall and slender, with long legs and toned arms. Her shoulders were hunched over slightly, which made her long ebony hair cascade over her face. She would walk around, stooping over, with her head bowed...as if she was reading an endless intruiging story written upon the floor.
GAIT: He was tall, with toned muscles rippling through his body. He would stay slick and unflinching as the wind caressed the soft black fabric that clung loosely on his pale skin. With all his features, he resembled an ebony sword with an ivory hilt. And as he sliced his way across the crowd, they would all make way for him - their wary eyes never leaving him, their mouths slightly open in pure awe... For he walked with such a gait that it was as if the gods themselves bowed down before him and engraved his footsteps upon the earth.
...
At the end of the day, even if I didn't see my sis the whole day because she had a doctor's appointment...
She was right.
This day wasn't so bad...*smiles*
Wednesday, June 23
Jun 23 Wed.
"You might as well live." - Resume, Dorothy Darker
Nica and I had a fight. It wasn't really a fight, more like me being a fu*ked up jerk, and hurting her feelings.
I was really bad with remembering dates. As in. Tell me your birthday now, and I'd forget it minutes later...literally. That's why I suck at history.
But it had gone too far. I rememeber Nica telling me her birthday countless times over, coz I kept forgetting. But now...now that they were thinking that I loved HER more than them...they were starting to doubt me... Nica asked when was her birthday...and I couldn't remember. She fell silent, looked away, and just smiled.
...
I wanted to shout, and punch a wall for all I was worth.
I was such a jerk.
Talo ko pa ang mga lalake na kinamumuhian ko.
I was supposed to be her friend, and I hurt her. Damn. I wanted to die. She probably hated me, and I wanted to die. They all probably hated me...and I wanted to die over and over again.
I spent the whole afternoon trying to apologize to her. I even wrote a huge and flashy SORRY on my nametag for her to see during Lab period. She'd only laugh...but she didn't talk to me much for the whole day. And for the whole day, I planned my suicide...
I've hurt too many people already.
...
After lunch, she told me...that from then on, she'd never make remarks about me and HER ever again.
I just hated myself even more. I led them to think I loved her more than them... And now Nica was probably gonna give up caring for me. I wanted to fall down on my knees and cry. I coulnd't bear the thought.
...
At the last subject, Ms. Grace called for me, saying that I was called by Sr. Carla to fit the gala uniform, to see if the new fabric and style was suitable. I stared blankly at Ms. Grace...
*I was gonna MODEL in front of Sr. Carla?!?!*
Since Anne had already gone home coz of her fever, I asked Nica to accompany me to the faculty. She agreed, and went with me. She helped me zip up the dress. I looked at myself in the mirror, and just stared.
*I looked like a friggin' BRIDE!!!*
Damn...I had no idea that dress was gonna be fit. It made me look thinner... I was laughing along with Nica, as I pranced around the CR. Then, she quietly told me...
"Celine...my birthday is on December 13."
I paused. Time stopped then. It was...nothing short of a miracle for me. I bowed my head and whispered: "Thanks, Nica...I'm sorry I keep forgetting...I love you." I gazed up at the mirror, at both our reflections. She was smiling.
...
I didn't care if Sr. Carla said the dress was awful - too thick, too itchy, and the pleats were wrong... I was happy. My heart was still crying, but I was happy...at least...God didn't take away my reason...
...
At the multi, when everyone was gone, I sat beside Beija on the stone steps. I was happy I caught my sister at the end of the day at least. She was reading a book entitled: "Poems That Could Save Your Life". We read some pieces together. Heck, we needed it. When it was time to say goodbye, she gave me her usual hi-five...and a little something.
It was a poem she got from the book. She said she thought I needed to read it.
She had no idea.
...
RESUME
Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gasses smell awful
You might as well live.
-Dorothy DARKER
...
With the paper still clutched in my hand...
As I sank down my bedroom wall, and ended up on the floor...
I wept.
...
Tuesday, June 22
Jun. 22 Tues.
"AY! ANDAMI KO NANG NALALAMAN!!!" -giselle
The barkada knows.
And they didn't take it lying down.
Oh boy, it was like having 7 overprotective fathers surrounding you like bodyguards.
*smirk* Gotta love 'em for loving me so much.
Everytime she'd pass by and wave hello, they would pull me closer, and turn my head to the other direction. They would distract me with spontaneous remarks, and lead me away from where she is. They'd surround me, and make me sit or walk between them, so as not to be cornered by her.
They said I had to let go.
And I claimed that I already have...
I loved them for what they were doing, for looking out for me...for being so concerned about my fragile mind and heart...but they had to stop this...they should stop taking me away from her...
I couldn't make them understand...she was still my friend. Even though I fell in love with her, and she didn't, and it broke what's left of my heart... She was still my friend, and she needed me. And I wanted to be there for her...even as just a friend.
*Because I couldn't possibly be more to her than that.*
At lunch, Giselle told me something I'd never forget:
"Celine, it's a sickness. And...we're just trying to make sure you don't get sick again...coz you can't say if you'll give in again. Love is weird...malay mo..."
I slumped over on the table. At the corner of my eye, I saw her pass by. She took one look at me, and went over. She tried to comfort me, and I wanted to answer her with a reassuring "I'm okay"...but to no avail. Probation. I opened my mouth, and Giselle came over, carrying her lunch, and exclaimed:
"AY! ANDAMI KO NANG NALALAMAN!!!"
I stifled a laugh.
I wanted to hug my friends for all I was worth. Wow...they love me this much...
...
At dismissal, we were climbing the stairs right above Sr. Ruel's office. We were closely packed together, and was right behind each other. Suddenly, Anne - who was in front of me - suddenly stopped. I bumped into her bag, and nearly fell backwards down the steps.
me: "O, what happened?! What's wrong?!"
anne: "Ay...guys..." *looks at them*
them: *looks ahead* "Ay..."
nica: *holds my chin* *makes me turn to her* "Celine...look at me!"
me: *confused stare* "What the..." *looks up*
giselle: *suddenly turns around at us* "GUYS! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!"
me: *looks at her* "Wha?"
giselle: "UMM...AS I WAS SAYING KANINA, THE...YOU KNOW-" *says incoherent sentences*
me: *looks past giselle* *sees HER slowly walking by* "Oh..."
them: *blocks my view*
(pause)
myka: "O, yan, okay na..."
us: *proceeds walking*
At the multi, she was standing by the gate where we were going to pass by. Upon seeing her, my berks surrounded me, clung on to my arms, and quickly led me away from her in a chattering bunch.
myka: "Sinusundan ka ata, o..."
When I dropped my bags, I couldn't help it. It just came out:
me: "Ang wirdo nyo!!!"
(pause)
them: *stops dead* *slowly turns to me* "KAMI PA ANG WIRDO?!"
giselle: "Anne! Tayo pa daw yung wirdo, o!"
me: *blink*
After a while, she passed by again, and gave me a cheery hello. I wanted to shout a hello back, but...my berks already saw, and were quickly leading me away. I could only look over my shoulder as I saw her hand, still up in the air, waving at me. When I didn't wave back, her hand dropped slowly, and a confused, almost hurt expression came over her face.
I mouthed an "I'm sorry!"...then closed my eyes.
I hate Fate.
...
I tried once again to smile. It was harder than ever, being stuck in a situation wherin I was torn between my friend and my barkada. I wanted to break down and scream. I gripped the tiny yellow post-it note I had in my pocket. A tiny paper, for such big words. I wanted to give it to her, but she was already long gone...
I walked up to the trash can. I stretched out my hand, delicately holding the paper with two fingers. *No hope, anyway...* After a few moments, something drifted into my mind. *Maybe...maybe there's still hope... Hope is always there...you just need to see it. Hold on to it, Celine...* And I did. I placed it in my palm and gently closed my hand. I turned around, and...
There she was, walking by. She hasn't gone home yet after all...
...
Hand to hand,
Palm to palm,
Fingertip to fingertip,
Soul to soul.
For these two -
Who shared such a connection...
There were no words.
...
*closes eyes*
...I'm sorry.
Pero putragis. Di pa rin kita iiwan.
...
Monday, June 21
Jun. 21 Mon.
"How can you see the splinter in your brother's eye, if you yourself have a wooden beam in your eye?" -Jesus
At the morning assembly, I was greeted by an interesting reflection from Sr. Carla.
"Before we can forgive others...
We must learn to forgive ourselves..."
...
I twitched. My eyes widened.
I leaned back a bit, and looked away...
Only to find that somebody across the multi had done the exact same things.
We were both leaning back, biting down on our lips, with eyes wide open...on the verge of immediate sinking. Our eyes met, and we supressed our manic laughter.
*Mana mana lang.*
...
Later that day, as I was leaning against the railing on the 4th floor, savoring the feel of the Wind as he ran his fingers through my hair...
I remembered something that happened last week...
We had free time at computer class, which meant 80 minutes of WinPopup.
*grin*
Loko talaga mga classmates ko. They kept sending corny jokes, and hilarious remarks about various things. Anne was still inviting us to her birthday party then. Aleli was goofing around by sending "asl?" messages...which were answered, by the way!
With the school thrust echoing in my mind, an idea came to me.
I took a deep breath. This was gonna be hard. But I had to do it.
Sure, she's my mortal enemy...sure, she hurt and killed me countless times before...then deserted me and erased me from her past like a discarded bar rag... But I had to do this. After two years, I had to try...at least through WinPopup, I could try.
...
me: heya...musta na? *smiles*
her: oy! Celine! Long time no hear, ah...
me: ...yeah...it's been quite a while...
her: okay naman ako, hehehehe
me: that's...that's great...
her: hehehehe
me: ...*looks at you across the room* *smiles* ...*sigh* i missed out...
her: ano?
me: de, wala yun, joketaym lang, hehe...so, musta na sa kabilang mundo?
her: hah? ano yun? di ko yun alam, ah...
me: ...
me: *closes eyes* ...wala pa rin nagbago...
her: hehehehehe...nanoonood ka ba ng Spongebob?
...
I tried, God.
And after all this time, she...
She's still killing me.
I want to hate her for all she's worth.
But I can't. It's another one of Fate's ingenious traps.
*How can you be angry at somebody who can't even remember what she did wrong?*
YOU CAN'T.
So I, being the one stuck with the painful memories, am forced to shoulder all the pain of a past so surreal...and watch her from afar, as she lives on without a single pang of guilt or regret...
Coz she can't remember a damn thing.
...
But I still love her...
And I pity her. Why?
Because she'd never know.
*smiles*
Sunday, June 20
Jun. 20 Sun.
"Can you see me, Jesus? Coz I sure as hell can't see You..." -me
We attended mass at 9am.
My dad was doing the 1st reading, so I was left by myself on a pew.
...
It's weird when you're down and despairing, and all by your lonesome on a bench in a small chapel that has a monotonous priest who gives a boring homily...
Magpaparinig si Lord.
...
*Gunita ko'y Ikaw
Habang nahihimlay
Pagka't ang tulong Mo'y
Sa tuwina'y taglay.
Sa lilim ng Iyong mga pakpak...
Umaawit akong
Buong galak...*
...
*In my heart
I know my savior reigns...
I can hear Him
Calling tenderly my name...*
...
I couldn't sustain my smile.
For a moment, I felt pathetic at the thought that mass songs were making me teary-eyed.
But it was just a moment.
...
I gently placed my hand over my heart.
I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes.
I found it difficult to accept the thought that He still cared for such a creature as me.
I found it much harder to accept the thought that I was loved by Him...still loved by Him.
...
I looked up at the chapel's cross.
It showed not a crucified Christ, but a risen Christ...
With arms wide open.
...
"Can you see me, Jesus?
Coz I sure I sure as hell can't see You..."
And yet...
...
He holds my hand still.
Saturday, June 19
Jun. 19 Sat.
"Smile, Celine...it's the best disguise yet." -me
I offered this day to God. I said I was gonna smile and be optimistic no matter what. My sacrifice.
*Hn. Can you see Fate twitching and drooling in anticipation?*
What a golden opportunity for the sadistic jerk.
...
Dad made me choose where to go for the day. After texting a friend of mine, I suggested Eastwood. I didn't even wait for dad's answer.
I smiled.
...
And guess what.
He agreed.
...
I blinked, then smiled again.
*Thank you, God...*
But I didn't get my hopes up, not yet. Oh, no siree. I ain't falling for that again.
And true enough, my dad changed his mind at the last minute.
"Sta. Lucia na lang tayo, Celine."
...
I still smiled.
I breathed deeply, gently pushing away the mind-numbing pain. *Gently pushing away Fate, actually.* With much difficulty, I tried to look at the bright side.
*Maybe...maybe it'l still be okay... Maybe Dad and I will still have fun at Sta.Lu, and my friend would still enjoy at Eastwood... Yeah, maybe next time, then...next time...*
I smiled again.
I accepted it. And I looked at the bright side. I offered it to God. Coz He's the only one who knows just how much it hurt.
The pain slowly dissipated. A srange sense of warmth enveloped me. I felt better...
*Could this be...PEACE..?*
I looked out the window, up at the sky.
"I have faith in You, God."
...
I tried once again.
"Dad, pwedeng sa Eastwood na lang po?"
"Ehh..."
Just then, kuya called my dad on his cel, saying that he was gonna have a gig with his friends at Eastwood.
Eastwood it was.
...
I was stunned.
...
I took one look at the bunch of people crowding the sidewalks, and I knew...
*This isn't a gig, its a GIG!*
Dad and I bought tickets to see the movie "Chronicles of Riddick", then went to Starbucks. As I was walking through the curtain of people, most of them turned to take a second look. I don't know if it was because of the fact that a tall, serious, father-daughter pair were briskly walking by hand-in-hand...
Or just because my dad had his lips pursed tightly, seething at me from time to time, and I was just smartly nodding my head, and smiling gently.
...
*Smile, Celine...it's the best disguise yet.*
...
My dad had me sit at a table outside starbucks, as he ordered at the counter. My hair was softly pushed away from my face, and everyone who passed by me were staring. I don't know if it was because I was carving deep lines on my wrist, or because I was smiling...or both. When my dad came back with his usual tall misto, and my usual mocha frap and strawberry lollipop, we sat together and just looked around at the people passing by.
Just then, I saw my dad's expression change. He stopped talking, and was looking at something behind me. I saw a flash of blue to my left, and felt a tap on the side of my head. I turned and looked up.
I smiled.
...
"Heya, sis..."
"Hey."
...
For a moment, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to laugh, and drape my arm around her shoulders... But then, my dad was still quite confused, and her mom was right there beside her.
I have her a hi-five, and introduced her to my dad.
Me: "Dad, I'd like you to meet Beija."
Dad: *stretches out his arm* "Oh, so this is Beija...finally."
Beija: "Nice to meet you, sir." *shakes his hand* "This is my mom..."
Mrs.Rialp: "Oh, so you're the father of Celine, eh? Finally." *shakes my dad's hand*
As the grownups were chatting about stuff (what we were doing there, what movies we were gonna watch, that I was always welcome to come over to Beija's house...), I did something by pure impulse.
I tugged Beija's back pocket.
She stopped, looked at me, then laughed. With a final hi-five, we all bid goodbye, and went our separate ways. *sigh* They were gonna watch Harry Potter, then stay for her bro's perfomance. Anyway, I asked my dad what he thought of Beija.
"Kamukha nga niya si Harry Potter!"
I laughed. After we finished our coffee, we proceeded to watch the movie. Okay. What word can possibly describe this movie...
Awesome.
SPOILER ALERT!
As in. The special effects were amazing. And that's an understatement. And the movie was a sequel to another movie: Pitch Black - which we already watched. Da-mn. Riddick is nothing short of COOL. And Kira...with her solitary blade always hidden somewhere on her body, was...sweet poison. *pare, natitibo ako!* (she once hid a blade in her mouth, and fought her way through a dozen soldiers with two blades on the heel of her shoe) I adored the sarcastic remarks. And not to mention the sarcastic ways to die.
Examples:
(Riddick was chained to the rear end of the space ship)
Guy: "Look at you...the greatest escape artist in the universe...and now you're here... All back of the bus, and shit."
(Riddick's pinning Kira agianst a wall)
Kira: "What are you gonna do? Hit me on the sweet spot?"
(Riddick was taming a wild leopard creature just by looking at it in the eyes)
Guy: "How in hell did you do that?"
Riddick: "It's an animal thing."
Guy: "Everybody hide! The sun's about to rise!"
Everybody: *hides in underground caves*
(ground shakes)
Everybody: *looks at the surface thermometer*
Thermometer: *rises from normal temp to 750degrees*
Guy: "700 degrees?! Woah..."
(pause)
Girl: "That's one helluva sunrise..."
Lady: *walks around Riddick, inviting him to be a part of the army*
Riddick: *inhales her perfume deeply* "It's been a long time since I smelled 'beautiful'."
Riddick: "Whatever I put on this ledge, I can kill you with." *puts a metal teacup on the ledge*
Guys: *laughs*
Guy: *lunges at him*
Riddick: *in a flash, rams the teacup into the guy's chest, killing him*
Guy: *falls down on the floor, with a deep circular wound on his chest, dead*
(pause)
Riddick: "Get that body outta here. Now."
Guys: *just stares at him, gaping*
Riddick: *puts a silver key on the ledge*
(pause)
Guys: *scramble like crazy and carry the body out*
Kira: *grins* "Death by teacup. Hn. Why didn't I think of that?"
Gotta love it.
...
After the movie, dad and I walked around a bit, and I saw a couple of my batchmates. Through the constant killing sessions, I just smiled. It was hard... But kinda funny, though. Fate was cooking up countless little schemes to get me down. But I still smiled. At some point, I had lowered my gaze, and my lips were twitching. But I didn't give up. And the people...wouldn't stop staring.
"Smile, Celine...it's the best disguise yet."
At dinnertime, the streets were packed with people. Spikey hair, dark make-up, silver peiercings...and black clothing everywhere. The children of the night were mirroring the starry, ebonic sky. As we made our way to a restaurant, people were looking. Dad was getting irritated.
"Tingnan mo 'tong mga taong ito...they're so affixated on death; wallowing in their misery, pain, and despair... It's pathetic."
It took a few seconds before I could muster a smile.
Dad didn't notice, did he? No, of course not. I'm right here, and he doesn't see me. Maybe because I had my back straight. Maybe because I wasn't making a peep. Maybe because my hair was softly pushed away from my face. Maybe because he didn't realize my smile was a mask. Heck, he didn't even look at me smiling sweetly beside him.
Or maybe because I was wearing WHITE.
...
When kuya joined us at the dinner table, surprise surpirise.
*HE was wearing black.*
My eye twitched ever so slightly. I smiled again. He took one look at me, and grinned.
"Finally, sinuot mo na rin yang white razorback na binili ko sayo."
I laughed. I couldn't have picked a worse occasion to wear it. We chatted for a while, and ignored the countless stares, glances, and whispered remarks people were throwing at us. Somehow, the topic turned to my prom. Kuya wanted to design my gown, and have it made special. 10 thousand pesos special.
Both dad and I gaped.
"ANO? P10,000 FOR A GOWN?! NO WAY!"
Heh. Mana talaga ako kay dad.
...
As I was chatting animatedly with kuya, he suddenly blurted out:
"Tsk! Ayusin mo nga buhok mo, ano ba!"
I was taken aback. I blinked, then fixed my hair. He asked me to continue with what I was saying...but I couldn't remember. I lowered my gaze, and slightly shook my head.
*I pour my heart out, and he slaps me in the face.*
With much difficulty, I smiled.
...and he didn't notice a thing.
...
After dinner, we made our way through the crowd once more, to go to the parking lot. We sliced through a dark curtain of black and sliver-clad people. Dad and kuya were getting irritated. They hated demented stuff.
Kuya: "Alam mo, Celine, as I was walking towards the resto, I saw all these people and thought: these are Celine's kind of people..."
Me: *laughs* "Nah, its more of ate Nikita's kind of people. Besides, I'm wearing white."
"You look like a solitary angel."
...
I smiled.
First the Pandora thing, and now this.
*inhale*
I'M. NO. ANGEL.
...
I stood at the sidewalk, staring up at the sky. A single star was shining feebly. I made a wish. I don't know if it came true. I'd probably never know. Just then, something exploded in the sky.
Fireworks.
Everybody was looking up. I was looking down. I retreated into the shadows, and watched everybody else...as they, for just a moment, broke away from their miserable twisted lives, and for once looked up. They stood still, and were mesmerized by the flashing light and pretty colors. They said fireworks were beautiful. But I thought...
*Does something have to explode and burst into flame and get destroyed up in the sky just for you to notice it's beautiful? Just for you to CONSIDER it beautiful?*
I shook my head. I'm thinking too much again.
I just smiled.
...
As we were on our way home, I was breathing deeply at the backseat. I was thanking God that I made it through the day without sinking. Without feeling too bad. Without frowning. Then I wondered...
*What would Fate make of this? How would he react, now that I had fought him and won? Would he make something happen once more to make me explode and burst into tears?*
...he's gonna make me cry, isn't he?
...
I felt my supressed emotions bubble up to the sufrace. Oh dear...I WAS gonna cry. I begged God not to let me break down...not when I finally went through a greusome day without giving in to Pain and Fate...
I guess somebody heard me.
Heh. I thought he didn't care anymore. I was about to dump that guy...
...
Rain.
The one who takes my supressed pain and embosses it upon the sky.
He made the sky weep for me that night.
And as I curled up under the blanket, savoring the cold, rainy atmosphere...
I closed my eyes and...
Smiled.
Wednesday, June 16
Jun. 16 Wed.
"Sinasaktan mo lang sarili mo..." -Anne
A couple more hilarious stuff...
Ms. Grace: "I'm sorry to announce that for this year...there will be no math exemptions."
(pause)
Marge: "WHAAATT?!?!"
Us: *looks at her*
Anne Marie: "OH NOOOOOOO!!!"
(pause)
Us: *laughing our heads off* "So, feeling nyo naman ma-eexempt kayo!"
Marge&AnneMarie: "Miss!! It's like...so unfair!" *laughs*
Kricel: "Hmm...I like basketball... And I like..." *thinks deeply* "I like you."
Teacher: *raises eyebrow*
Us: *rolls on floor, laughing*
Victoria: "True or false? I have a little brother."
Us: *thinks*
Popsy: *shouts* "FAAAALLLSSEEE!!!"
Us: *looks at her*
Victoria: *nods* "Tama."
Us: "Aba...ang galing naman ni Popsy..."
Popsy: *flips her hair* "Alam mo naman!" (really fast, really deep voice) "Wala namankasisiyangkapatidnalalake,diba?"
Us: *laughs*
Ms. Grace: "I advice you not to wear anything..." *thinks for proper word* "Anything precious..." *pause*
Somebody: *low, raspy voice* "Preciousssssss...."
Ms. Grace: *blinks*
Us: *laughs our heads off*
...
Later that day...
We - my berks and I - were at the multi, with the sun beating down hard on us. It was frying my skin, but I didn't mind.
I was seated on the baking stone steps, leaning on my hand. I didn't care if the heat was boiling my brain...
I was talking to her.
We were both laughing, and enjoying each other's company. I see her everyday, but I miss her. I drank up all her words, and every single detail. Soon, there were no sounds. Just me wanting to embrace her and fall asleep.
But then, she finally had to go. We bid each other goodbye. With a smile on my face, and my hair a hopeless mess, I retreated into the shadows. I crawled next to Anne, as she was affixated on reading a book.
I just sat there beside her.
And without taking her eyes off the book she was reading, Anne asked me in a low voice...
Anne: "Bakit mo kinakausap?"
Me: "Ah...it's nothing, we're just talking as friends."
...
I stared blankly.
Just friends...?
Maybe for my part, I was hoping...for something more than just friends...
...
...
"Celine...sinasaktan mo lang sarili mo..."
...
...
*Well, I ain't called a masochist for nothing...*
...
I smiled.
Tuesday, June 15
Jun. 15 Tues.
"One day...one sweet day..." -the Dude
...
I flipped through blogs.
...
Minutes later, I found myself on the floor, clutching my chest.
I was wheezing.
I couldn't breathe.
My inhales were squeaky, and my exhales came out in huffs.
My lungs felt like they were being...pierced.
And my heart...
Nevermind.
...
I doubled over, and tried to get up.
I couldn't.
Images started flashing in my mind.
She...
She was...
She was happy...
...
That's all that mattered...
*closes eyes*
...
I was trapped. Once more.
I slowly fell to my knees.
I pulled my legs closer and sat down. In the middle of the living room floor.
I was slightly rocking back and forth, trying not to break my hands.
...Trying not to faint.
Then it hit me.
...
SMILE.
...
I did.
The pain doubled.
People didn't realized I was dying inside.
I liked it.
Perfect.
...
I pulled the plug, and sank into the bed.
Flipping through the channels, I felt a surge of drowsiness wash over me.
I smiled.
My eyes blurred over slightly, then...
...
Channel 49:
"Coz you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do... That's why I'm by your side...that's why I love you..."
...
I blinked.
I remembered him.
That was one of the songs he sang to me.
I smiled...
Until the song ended.
...
Channel 50:
"...and you know that we belong together...I don't want to spend a moment apart... Coz you bring out the best in me, like no one else can do... That's why I'm by your side...that's why I love you..."
...
My eyes widened.
Two different music channels...
What are the odds of that?
I smiled again...
Until the song ended.
...
Channel 4:
"...Now baby there are times when selfishly
I'm wishing that you were here with me
So I can wipe the tears from your eyes, and make you see...
That everynight while you are dreaming,
I'm here to guard you from afar...
And everytime I feel alone,
I close my eyes and dream of-
Where you are...
Where you and I will be together,
Once again...
We'll be dancing in the moonlight
Just like we used to do...
And you'll be smiling back at me...
Only then will I be free,
When I can be
Where you are...
Baby I still believe...
Oh, I gotta believe...
I will touch you that sweet day
That you take me there
Where you are...
I still believe...
I gotta believe...
I will always be waiting here..."
...
I didn't smile.
I buried my face in my hands and cried.
I fell asleep to the taste of tears...
...
And I dreamt of him.
It was just like before... so many times before...
He was slumped on the floor, beside my bed.
His head was resting on his folded arms, on the edge of the matress beside me.
I gently ran my hand through his hair.
*Like so many times before...*
He woke up, and raised his head. He looked at me.
My hand was resting on his cheek.
And he smiled.
...
He only gave his smile to me.
...
My eyes were blurring with tears...
But I dared not blink them away...
I was afraid...that when I opened my eyes again, he would disappear...
Once again...
*I never wanted to wake up...*
...
His eyes were sparkling with tears too.
...
We stayed that way for an eternity.
There were no words at all.
He took my hand and gently placed it over his chest...
Over a pendant.
The pendant...
The one I gave him...
Its crimson and azure light was softly glowing through my fingers.
*A single drop of blood... And a single drop of tear...*
He kept this part of me... All this time...
...
"Believe in this..." he said.
I felt warmth enter my fingertips...
And I believed.
"It's all gonna pay off...you'll see..."
...
I cried softly.
He took me in his arms and held me close.
*Like so many times before...*
...
And the only thing that filled my being were his words...
Whispering through the empty recesses of my mind...and heart...
...
"We'll find each other again...
One day...One sweet day..."
Monday, June 14
Jun. 14 Mon.
"Ang galing mo talaga, Fate! Shucks, gusto kitang halikan!!! Now na!" -me
...
First day of school.
I had to chase the bus.
Literally.
I was sad. Something was missing. Sam. Yes, Sam. I missed her already, and I discovered that she migrated! *sob* Noooooooo! Who's gonna prod me on the arm, and say: "Ate Celine...ate Celine...pwedeng magtanong?" Who's gonna laugh at my jokes and make me read excellent poems everyday? Who's gonna talk to me about anything and everything, and...and... Argh, I miss Sam!
I got to school early. Wow. Even my busmates were stunned. And the fact that I didn't have to remind them all that we were late, tardy and forlorn, they were thankful. (I'm rambling.)
I got to see my berks. They had changed- taller, longer hair, shorter hair, packed on a few pounds, lost a few pounds, tanner, and...ehe...thinner. I looked at my batchmates, and former classmates. Wow. We were squealing and hugging, and jumping up and down at the sight of each other. I really missed them. But...as the morning went on, something didn't feel right. I was constantly looking over my shoulder, searching for somebody. For a minute, I thought she wasn't gonna be present. But after some time, when we were all seated, I turned my head, and I saw...her. I smiled to myself. The day was going to turn out ok.
We were seated for the longest time, listening to endless rambling about rules and procedures. Ms. Grace was scaring us. I knew 3rd year was gonna be crucial, but hey. They don't have to threaten us with the fact that they wouldn't give a shit. Actually, I didn't care. Hn. First day, and I was cynical.
The school thrust for the year?
"Let us celebrate the joy of FORGIVENESS."
Shit. The last word made me choke. As the discussion about the school thrust went on, I was bowing my head, and putting my hands together.
It was so. damn. boring. I wanted to stuff a Happy Tree Friend in the mouth of whoever was talking, and drift away to my happy place. A lot of people were doing their own business, and some were just slouched over, not really paying attention. Nica had it worse though.
Naiiyak na daw sha sa sobrang pagka-bored.
We were reshuffled. Damn. Inna was alone in one section. We were hugging her the whole time. Anne, Nica and I were in sec.3, and the rest were in sec.4. Woah. Buti pa sila. Giselle was ecstatic, coz she and Andy were alone in one section last year, and the rest of us in another. Anyway...
*blink* And another thing. My mortal enemy was my classmate. I winced at the thought of the school thrust. *Coincidence? No. It's Fate and his little tricks.*
We discussed the procedures. Hey, at least Ms. Lacsamana didn't just read it off the paper. She had us participate. After which, she made us introduce ourselves - an activity that turned out completely hilarious. Damn. We were so noisy. And the other sections were downright envious.
Cara: "Ako si Cara, at isa akong mahiyaing bata..."
Us: "WEEEHHHH! MAHIYAIN DAW!" *laughing our heads off*
Char: "Tawagin nyo na lamang akong Char..." *pause* "Halos 5 months na kami ng bf ko, anniversary nga namin sa-"
Us: *Laughs* "Bulgaran na!"
Char: "Pangalan niya Chakie." *points out the window* "Ah, nakatira lang naman siya sa may-"
Us: *laughing our heads off*
Claire: "Umm...mahilig ako sa..." *pause* "Mga hayop..."
Us: *roars with laughter*
Mafe: "Umm...I love basketball...and I lab-" *eyes widen*
Us: *laughs our heads off*
Marge: *shouts* "I LABBB IT!!!"
Us: *laughs even louder*
Damn. We couldn't breathe. And that was an understatement. And as for me...well... I had to say *something*...
Me: "Erm..ako si Celine, at kilala ako sa pagiging matangkad, tahimik, at seryoso." *flashes a smile* "Totoo yun, pero mabuti rin akong kaibigan. Kung may problema ka - sa school man o love life..." *shrugs* "Punta ka lang sakin, tutulungan kita."
Them: *laughs*
Me: "Mahilig akong gumuhit, magsulat, at mag-isip. Hindi po ako mahilig-" *inhale* "...kumain."
(pause)
Them: *laughing their heads off* "Halata!"
Oh well, at least they found it funny. My family and friends don't, though. Being so damn bored the whole time, I just doodled around on my notebook. Turned out to be some sort of an anime character that everybody seemed to...like. *shrugs* They were passing my work around... Aside from the crimson hair (i didn't have a black pen), everybody said I looked like the girl I drew. *Hmm...really now...*
Thank God it was half-day. By lunchtime, my berks were brooding over me, asking me what was wrong. I...I couldn't tell them. I tried to put on my mask, but I kept tearing it off. *I wanted to be seen.* Anne in particular, knew it was about my...well...non-existent lovelife. She would put her arm around me and ask me who it was. And if it was a girl or guy. *sigh* I couldn't bring myself to tell her. But when we were seated beside each other, with the berks laughing their heads off over something...
Inna: *admiring Steph's Harry Potter folder* "Akin na lang!!!" (inna has a major crush with Harry Potter)
Them: *laughing* "Pano na si Sir Beni? At si sir Mark!"
Inna: "TUMIGIL NGA KAYO!"
Me: *absent-mindedly staring at the folder*
Anne: *looks at me*
(pause)
Me: (finally gonna tell Anne who it is) *slaps her knee*
Anne: "ALAM KO NA KUNG SINO!!!"
Me: *blink* "Talaga?"
Anne: "Erm...si...____ _____ ba?"
Me: *bows head* *laughs hysterically* *closes eyes* *laughs softly*
...
Anne: *puts arm around me* "Okay lang yan, Celine...I understand..."
...
Wow.
*I labs you, Anne.*
...
Anne: "Kaya ka pala ganyan... Kitam? Gumaan pakiramdam mo nung nalaman ko na, ano?"
Me: *slowly nods*
Anne: "Hayaan mo. Di ko muna sasabihin sa kanila. Pero...sa tingin ko may idea na sila kung sino."
Me: ...
Anne: *nudges me* "Okay lang yan, we all go through that phase."
...
Salamat, Lord.
...
...
EPILOGUE:
The day didn't end there. I have to justify my opening line. In the bus, Leoren and I were the last ones left. She was telling me to fix my hair, coz I look better with it tied back.
Loren: "You look better with your hair neat, ate."
Me: *runs hand through hair* "Oh, well...nobody would really care about how I look. Panget naman talaga ako, eh."
Loren: "Hinde, ah! I'm sure there's somebody out there who has a crush on you."
Me: *laughs* "Yeah, right!"
Loren: *slowly stutters* "In fact...I'm a hundred percent SURE somebody has a crush on you..."
Me: *eyes widen* "Oh...no..." *laughs* "This isn't funny..."
Loren: "I'm serious, ate..."
Me: *sinks into my chair* "S-s-sino..?"
Loren: *grins* "Let's just call him..."
Me: *eyes widen at the word 'him'*
Loren: "...a family friend..."
Apparently, I had a secret admirer *gags* the whole of last schoolyear. Being the last to get off the bus, I always sat at the back, looking out the window. One day last year, as I waved goodbye to Loren through the window as she got off, her 'family friend' was inside her house, looking at me through the window. After that, he wouldn't stop asking Loren who I was, what was my phone number, what my name was... It went on for a whole year, but Loren didn't tell him anything. Why?
Loren: "...coz I was afraid you'd bite my head off, ate!"
*twitch*
But that's okay, right? I mean...woah. A secret admirer? For a whole year? I was more than shocked. Stunned, really. He was 17 years old, a bit taller than me, quite the silent, demented type...
Hope meter: *rising...rising...*
And he was known for seeing the beauty in people. And oh, his name was John.
Hope meter: *TILT!*
...
...
Fate: "Umm...excuse me...Cursed Child..?"
Me: "What?"
Fate: *grin* "You ain't called 'cursed' for nothing..."
...
...
The guy migrated to the states two months ago.
...
Hope meter: *hits rock-bottom*
Fate: *smiles sympathetically*
...
And...no. He doesn't know Friendster.
...
Hope meter: *penetrates the earth's core and comes out through China*
...
I was more than amused.
And my soul sister was more than peeved.
...
Me: "Ang galing mo talaga, Fate! Shucks, gusto kitang halikan!!! Now na!"
Sunday, June 13
Jun. 13 Sun.
"I wanna hold you high
And steal your pain..." -Broken
...
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
A poem I made...in one sitting. It started out as prose, but I guessed it would be better as a poem. It's kinda long... But hey, its based on fact.
*I am Death.*
...
*The Girl In The Mirror*
by thecursedchild
I looked up.
And I saw her.
She was beautiful.
She had her fingers dug deep into her dark hair.
The veins in her wrist and hands were showing,
She was gripping her head so tightly...
The tips of her fingers were white from the pressure.
She was gasping
And sobbing
Ever so softly.
Her lips were pale and trembling slightly.
Her eyes...
They were red and swollen
Like twin sunsets.
Tears were slowly streaming down her face,
Like the autumn rain.
I was immobilized by this creature
Whose gaze burned into my own.
She was looking at me.
Staring...
Pleading
Begging...
"Make...
it...
stop...
...
please..."
She whispered-
Her voice was soft and raspy.
She looked so abused...
So hurt
So sad
So stolen
So very desperate...
To be free of the pain.
With a strangled cry,
She bowed her head.
Her hair cascaded down
And formed a dark veil-
Hiding her beauty from the world.
...
I reached out to her.
I wanted to help her,
To save her.
To wrap my arms around her
And hold her tight...
So tight, all her pain would be squeezed out
And transfer to me.
I wanted to steal her pain...
And make them mine...
All mine.
She deserved none of it.
She was hurting herself-
A thin trail of blood
Was already dripping down her head.
She slowly lowered her hands,
Softly sobbing
At the sight
Of bright red blood-
Staining her fingernails.
She slowly wrapped her arms
Around herself...
An empty embrace.
...
I cursed.
I trembled in rage.
I hated the world,
And wanted to butcher it.
The world had killed her-
Slaughtered her
Tortured,
Taunted,
Scorned and mocked her.
It had used her
And abused her...
It had ripped apart
Her dreams,
Her soul,
Her heart...
And stolen every bit of her.
It drove her to this-
To think that she was worthless,
Pathetic,
Ugly,
Weak
And stupid-
An insignificant nothing.
...
Fools.
Bastards!
Such blind,
Flavorless,
Faceless,
Incompetent souls!
They were the ones who made her wear a mask!
Do they not hear her cries?
Do they not feel her pain?
Do they not see...?
If they only saw her
Through my eyes...
Gaeia's equal in exquisite beauty-
With the unique blend
Of her light and dark,
Her good and bad,
Her sweet and bitter,
Her earth and sky,
Her own heaven and hell...
In her soul,
Her mind,
Her heart...
Her whole being.
Spring's rival in joy-
With her amusingly shallow
And simple happiness...
Her starburst wishes,
Her tinkling laughter,
And rainbow-coated
Dreams.
Summer's rival in passion-
With her brick-red anger
And her deep-gold love...
Caressed by her searing,
White-hot, crimson
Pains.
Autumn's rival in mystery-
With her uncertainties,
Insecurities,
And muffled cries...
With her tears
That rain down from the sky...
Her deep secrets,
And dark brown
Fears.
Winter's rival in silence-
With her cold words,
And numbed soul.
Her frozen heart
That melts at Love's gentle touch,
And also shatters to pieces
In Love's merciless grip.
With her wandering mind,
And the look in her eyes
As she gets lost in her
Silent, contemplative, ivory
Thoughts.
...
She had given everything-
All she had...
Just to live,
To love,
And to be loved in return.
To be noticed-
To be seen,
Felt,
Sensed,
And finally be saved.
She gave up all of herself,
Her beautiful self,
To the unforgiving world.
She sold her soul,
And gave away her heart...
But to no avail.
She was given nothing but pain.
Pointless,
Incessant,
Unbearable,
Excruciating pain...
And she could not escape.
For she was bound by the shackles of Love.
The world hated her.
And yet...
She still loved the world.
And the merciless,
Ignorant ingrates
That thrive in it.
...
She was a fallen angel.
A mortal goddess.
Tragedy's muse.
...
And now,
She had taken off her mask-
She let it fall
And shatter on the floor.
At last,
At long last...
She didn't want to hide anymore.
...But nobody was here to see her.
I wanted to take her in my embrace.
To cradle her tenderly
In my arms...
To gently run my fingers
Through her hair
And whisper soft,
Soothing words in her ear.
I wanted to wipe away her blood,
And kiss away her tears.
She would jump-
Crash and burn-
Die...
And unlike the bastards who were supposed to love her,
But tortured and killed her instead...
I would be there for her.
She would jump-
And I'd catch her in mid-air.
She would crash-
And I'd pick up the pieces,
And put them back together.
She would burn-
And I'd douse the flames.
She would die...
And I would bring her back to life.
I would save her,
Love her...
Breathe life into her...
...
Impossible, I knew.
But I would defy anything...
Everything...
For her.
...
Why?
Because she was the only one...
Who saw me.
Who looked at me with sympathy,
Appreciation,
Respect-
Not fear.
She loved me.
...
Who am I?
I am Death.
...
Who is she...?
...
She is the girl in the mirror.
Friday, June 11
Jun. 11 Fri.
"Wanna go to Mexico and never get back?" -some guy I chatted with
Vamp was right. This world just keeps getting werider and weirder.
Last night, I fell asleep in front of the TV at around 6pm.
Then I woke up at 11pm.
My dad was in the living room, watching TV. I went over and saw him flipping through a celphone manual written in french. I greeted him and asked him what in the world was he doing. He told me to take a look at the couch beside my bed. I did, and...wow. A new celphone. I blinked. I thanked him profusely, but...well...
The truth is, I didn't really want a new cellphone. Heck, I don't really NEED a new one. My old 3310 (kuya's hand me down) works fine, really. I go for practicality, not necessarily style. Damn, I remembered my old cel... A worn-out 3210... It was crimson and ebony, and chipped at some places, but hey. Sentimental value. Then I remembered it got lost. *sigh* And now, my dad thinks I'm like my brother who's embarrassed with his unit. I'm not!
But I gotta admit, it was cool. I kept playing the sound recorder. My voice was horrible, I sounded like a damn fruitcake. It took some time to get used to the keypad, though.
...
I chatted. On MIRc. It's the real world there, with all kinds of people. The good, the bad, the disgusting, and the just plain weird. There were a couple of people who reacted to my nick:
cursedgrl.
Hn. They all wondered why I was cursed. And I just told them the same thing over and over:
I dunno. Ask Fate. He's the one who seems to just love seeing me in pain.
They all wanted to *snort* break my curse. Right. Some were just looking for a good time, and a select few...really wanted to help. Like this dude from mexico... I told him a little about me, and the reasons why I think I'm cursed. Just a taste. The basics. Two minutes in, and he lost it.
him: oh my!
me: heh. told you.
him: i wish i could do something to help you...
me: well...thanks. but it seems nobody can help me.
him: you can run away.
me: ...i tried.
him: what happened?
me: ...i tripped and fell. then broke into a million pieces.
him: ...
me: hey, u ayt?
him: wanna go to mexico and never get back?
...
me: ...yeah.
him: where are you?
me: *laughs* halfway around the world.
him: damn! thats so far away! okay...any relatives in other countries?
me: *blink* none that i know of...
him: damn...
me: look, i appreciate your effort and all, but...its really okay. *shrugs* i've lived with this for a long time.
him: but you're suffering so much!
...
me: you have no idea.
...
...
There was this one guy. He said he didn't want to chat with me anymore when he realized my curse.
me: you don't want to chat with me anymore coz im cursed?
him: well...yeah. the curse could transfer to me.
...
me: this curse can't be passed around.
him: hey, i aint risking it. are you worth it?
...
..
.
me: ask youself that question, jerk.
him: well, now that you're calling me names, im sure you're not.
me: well, ive been through hell, and you...you just pulled the trigger.
him: yknow...i hate people who bitch about their lives.
...
...
I wasn't bitching.
...
But it got me thinking...
*Am I really worth it...?*
...
I sure as hell didn't think so.
But somebody thought otherwise.
"If you weren't worth it, I'd have dropped the sword.
I'd fight anyone. Anything."
...
*smiles*
Wednesday, June 9
Jun. 9 Wed.
"Sabihin mo sakin, Celine... Lalake, babae?" -Anne
My barkada stayed over at my place for the day.
Chaos. *grin*
Andy was the first to arrive, and we sat in front of the TV chatting and laughing away. After a few minutes of watching NBA, the doorbell buzzed. We both looked outside, and saw Myka, Anne, Giselle, and Steph practically dragging themselves towards our gate. They were drenched in sweat, panting heavilly, and their skin looked red and slightly burned.
I told them off.
They walked all the way from the gate of our subdivision, to our house!!!
Seventh avenue is only the farthest from the gate, and it had the steepest, most unforgiving roads in the whole subdivision, too!
WALKED!
Why? Heh. *Exercise daw. Masyado na daw mataba, kailangang magpapayat na daw.* TADYAKAN KO SILA, EH!
After a few greetings of hugs and kisses, they collapsed in the living room, and downed glass after glass of cold water. I turned on all the fans in the house, and opened the doors and windows. I went inside my room for a moment, then when I got back in the living room...
My eyes widened.
*Strip show!*
They had taken off their shirts and blouses! They were dabbing their sweat off, and tying their hair up. Giselle was blissfully lost, as she stood right in front of the electric fan, with her hair and blouse in wild disarray.
Gsel: *standing in front of the fan* "Celine, okay lang ba..? Ang init kasi talaga, eh!"
Me: *laughs* "Aba, sinolo mo yan, ah! I'll leave you two alone, hahaha!"
I looked around at my friends, all slumped on the couches and floor, trying desperately to cool themselves down.
Them: "Ayan...lumalamig na ng onti...sarap..."
I gulped, and loosened the collar of my shirt.
*Funny...I think it just got a little bit warmer...*
...
Giselle took a bath, and I lent her a pair of shorts, and my blue spag strap top. Hehe, she looked good in it - and I realized just how elastic that top was across the chest. We tossed our bags anywhere, and made ourselves as comfortable as possible on the couch and on the floor. I whipped out my dad's stash of chocolates, and they pretty much feasted on Flat Tops, chocolate bonbons, Hershey's kisses, and coffee wafers. Although...Andy and Myka weren't too keen on chowing down on chocolates. Andy's face would break out, and Myka...wanted to reduce. So I gave them fruits. *sweatdrop*
*Aba...demanding, ah.*
We watched a DVD of View From The Top. It was okay... Mike Myers was hilarious with his *ahem* eyes. But it was quite interesting - I've never seen a movie where the protagonist's "Destiny" was being an international flight attendant. The concept seemed quite shallow at first, but then I realized it was probably a big deal to other people. *shrug* After the movie, we went downstairs and ate lunch.
We were gathered around the table, and I was at one end - in my dad's throne. They looked at the food - fried chicken, corned beef, and two bottles of coke. Then they stared at me in anticipation, wide grins on their faces. They always looked forward to me leading the prayer (coz they find my monotonous, robotic voice amusing). *Parang daw biglang sinasapian.*
Take note: The two bottles of coke were placed one at my right, one at my left.
Giselle: "Ayan na, magdadasal na si Celine..."
Them: *straighten up* "Okay, okay... Eto na..." *grin*
Me: *smirk* "Let's pray..."
Steph: *sees the position of the bottles of coke* "Hano ba yan...tingnan mo ung posisyon ng mga bote, hahaha!"
Myka: "Parang altar!"
Them: *laughs*
Me: *controls laughter*
Them: *stops laughing*
Me: "In the name of the-" *snort*
Anne: *finishes the prayer*
Them: *laughs*
Me: *whacks Steph on the head* "Kaw kasi, eh!"
Steph: "Mukha namang altar talaga, eh! Purihin si Celine..."
Us: *laughing our heads off*
Haha, mga kagaguhan talaga ng berks ko. After lunch, we went back upstairs and just lounged around. They invaded my room, and snatched my headbands. Steph opened my cabinet door, and saw *stuff*.
Steph: *staring the inside of my cabinet door* "I...want...to... be... her angel... She's...suffering... She...killed me...with four...little words... No...she didn't kill me...I killed...myself..."
Me: *eyes widen*
I slammed the door shut, and led them back out in the living room.
Steph: "May nakita ako..."
Me: "Wala yun!"
We slumped in the living room once again. Steph and Myka were on pillows on the floor, Giselle, Anne, and Andy were on the couches. I...I was lying on the floor, curled up. I wasn't talking much, I just let them do all the chit chat. I missed them. A lot. I was so tired...in more ways than one. And I wanted to fall asleep to the sound of their voices. I tried my best to hide my sadness behind my silence and warm smile. Hn. They noticed. They kept on asking me what was wrong. I couldn't answer. Then, they pinpointed the probable cause...
Anne: "Si Celine, mukhang sawi sa pag-ibig." *laughs*
Me: *twitch*
Giselle: "Si Celine? Ma-in love? Iba yun, ah..."
Me: *twitch*
Steph: "Oy, pero sigurado ko... Ang unang magkaka-boyfriend satin ay si Celine."
Them: "Oo, sigurado yan."
Me: "WHAT?! Bakit?!"
Myka: "Eh, ganun naman un, eh... Yung ayaw ma-in love, yun pa ung mauuna."
Them: *nods in agreement* "Uyy...si Celine...*
...
For as far back as I can remember, they always said that about me. And I always snort and scoff them off. Back then, the thought was preposterous. Not to mention pathetic. I used to think love was for weak people. It was something that made you dumber, and look like a friggin idiot. It would drive you to do crazy things - like skip and dance, sing, jump off a building, shoot yourself, and even worse: cry at sappy movies. *shudder* I analyzed love to be an excuse to have sex. A gamble. A game. But the worst of all... Love was a trap. It would break down your barriers, make you let down your guard. Then it ensnares you, draws you close - whispering warm, tantalizing promises. But when you're close enough to touch, it runs away. Taking a chunk from your heart and soul, leaving you empty and bleeding. Hurt you more than when you started off without it.
Hn. It still is.
And I learned that the hard way.
...
Andy: "Hmm...ako, never pa akong na-in love. Hehe, hindi pa."
Me: *blurts out* "Good for you!"
Them: "Hah? Bakit naman...?"
Me: *smiles* "Masakit magmahal."
(pause)
Them: *stares at me, slightly gaping* "Oh my God...Celine... Na-in love ka na ba?!"
Me: "Erm...yeah..."
Them: "HANO?! KANINO? PANO?!"
Anne: "Sabi na nga ba, eh."
Them: "Kaya ka pala ganyan..."
Steph: "Parang...kilala ko..." *looks at me* "Yung sa cabinet mo...siya ba-"
Me: *laughs* "Sira."
Them: "Sige na, Celine, sabihin mo na samin..."
Me: *lowers gaze* "Erm..."
I didn't tell them everything. I was afraid they'd be disgusted with me, and never talk to me again. If they did, I'd...die. I just told them that I fell in love, but the person didn't love me back. Strictly no specifics. No names, no schools, no...gender. But of course, they concluded it was a guy. For some reason, Anne got off the couch and lay down beside me. She held my hand.
Me: "Erm...think of it this way. Isipin nyo ung kantang 'A girl can dream' at 'Jelous'. At yung movie na 'My best friend's wedding'. Ganun ung nangyari."
Andy: "Oh my gosh...ibig mong sabihin... Yung araw na magtatapat ka na sa kanya, yun pa ung araw na sinabi nya sayo na may iba na siya?"
Me: *slowly nods* "Yup yup!"
Them: *faces fall* "Oh...my...goshhhhh... Ansakit nun!"
Me: "You have no idea."
Myka: "Anong ginawa mo? Umiyak ka?"
Me: "Well...the moment na sinabi nya, siyempre hindi. Nagkunwari akong shocked. Pero..." *closes eyes* "Masaya ako para sa kanya. For real. At least...naligtas na siya."
(silence)
Steph: "Hm... At least hindi niya alam, diba?"
Me: *twitch* "Erm...alam niya."
Them: *eyes widen* "WHAAAT?! PANO?!"
Me: *shrugs* "Sinabi ko sa kanya. Pi-nost ko sa blog ko, tapos nabasa niya, tapos naisip niya na siya yun. Sabi ko 'oo, ikaw yan.' Sinabi ko sa kanyang in-love ako sa kanya."
Andy: *stutters* "K-k-kahit na alam mong may iba na siya?"
Me: "Yeah..."
(pause, they all stared at me gaping)
Myka: "Anlakas ng loob mo, Celine!"
Them: *slowly nods* "Sobra... Never ko yun magagawa!"
Me: *blinks* "Talaga?"
I never thought of it that way. But now... I realized it WAS kinda daring. To tell someone you're in love with them, even though you know they're already in love with someone else. Haha. And all this time, I thought I was weak. But...I should have confessed sooner. *sigh*
Andy: "Ilan taon na ba siya?"
Me: "Erm...16."
Andy: "Che. Hindi tatagal yun."
Them: "Oo nga...bata pa siya." *pats me on the back* "May pag-asa ka pa, Celine. Hintayin mo lang."
(pause)
Me: *smiles sadly* "Two things, guys. One..." *inhale* "The truth is...gusto kong tumagal relationship nila. I'll fight for them to stay together. Ginagawa ko ang lahat para hindi sila maghiwalay."
Them: *eyes widen* "WHAAAAT??!"
Andy: "Ibig mong sabihin, ikaw pa ang nagiging bridge minsan?!"
Me: "Yup. By my own will."
Steph: *stutters* "Baket?!"
Me: "Coz...they deserve each other." *smiles* "They both deserve to be happy. And they're happiest with each other."
(silence of disbelief)
Them: "Martir ka talaga."
Myka: "Well, at least alam niya. Malay mo, baka may mangyari sa future. May pag-asa ka pa naman, eh. Ang tindi mo kasi magmahal."
Me: *inhale* "That's number two. Wala na akong pag-asa."
Them: "At bakit naman? Pano mo alam?"
Me: "Tinanong ko siya."
(silence, them staring at me, slightly gaping)
Me: "Tanong ko: 'Do I have hope?' Sagot niya: 'no.' Tanong ko ulit: 'no hope ever?' Sabi niya..." *inhale* "'no...I'm...sorry.' Hehe. Lagi siyang nagso-sorry." *sigh*
Andy: "TINANONG MO YUN?!"
Me: "Er...yeah..."
Them: "ANLAKAS TALAGA NG LOOB MO, CELINE! BILIB AKO SAYO!"
I managed a small smile. When I finally broke out of my shell, and tried to love...it ran away from me. I did everything to keep it. But to no avail. I wondered why I even confessed. Probably coz...I've never felt that way before, and I wanted to be loved so badly. Why? Coz I've been deprived of it. But probably because I was a masochist. *sigh* Well...my masochistic side got more that she bargained for.
...
They gave me two very different tips on how to deal with *laughs* 'him'. One was to just stay with it. Since 'he' already knew how I felt, I shouldn't let us drift apart. We should just remain as friends. Who knows what Fate had in store for us in the future, right?
The other was: To cut every connection I had with 'him'. Don't answer calls or texts, erase 'his' links from my blog, and log out when 'he' logs in. I should just give in to hatred. I should just forget about 'him' and try to look for love elsewhere and try again.
I sighed and told them...that I couldn't hate that person, even if I tried. Quite frankly, it's impossible to hate a person like that. But I had to admit. The thought...was taking its toll on me. They reassured me that I had a whole life ahead of me, and lots more would come my way. *Kalimutan mo na siya, kakalimutan ka rin naman niya, eh.* Good point.
...
We ordered two pizzas, and consumed both in a span of 10 minutes. We lathered ketchup all over them, and got very messy. Andy took a bite, and all the hot sauce dripped on her dress. I took a bite, and the ketchup-y pineapples fell off and messed up my shirt. They all found it amusing.
Steph: "Parang...lahat ata ng mapapayat, ang gulo kumain!"
(pause)
Myka: *tips her slice of pizza over her shirt* "Ay, nahulog!"
Us: *laughing our heads off*
After watching another movie, and taking turns sitting on the rocking chair in front of the TV, Giselle and Anne called a tricycle and commuted to BigR. After a while, Andy was picked up, and Steph and Myka followed soon after. They kept pressing on who was the one I fell in love with. Who was the 'guy'? Of course, I couldn't tell them. I kept muttering over and over:
"Basta...kung nalaman nyo kung sino yun... Wag kayong mandiri sakin, please..."
They kept repeating that they would never. They'd accept it no matter what. Even if I was pregnant, they'd understand, haha. I thanked God. *Please don't let them leave me and desert me...like all the others.* They asked a lot of questions, and I couldn't answer them. I apologized, saying I wasn't ready. I'd tell them in time. But the one that stunned me most of all was Anne's question. Haha, it stunned all of us.
Anne: *holds my hand* "Sabihin mo sakin, Celine. Lalake, babae?"
Them: *doubles over, laughing*
Giselle: *whacks Anne* "Ano ka ba naman!"
Steph: *blinks* *laughter trails off*
Me: *laughs out loud* "Sira!"
Boy, she's good.
...
That night, I was on the balcony. I told *snort* 'him':
"If it's one thing I learned today... I'll always be right here for you and with you. No matter what."
...
*Mas gugustuhin ko na siya ang mang-iwan. Dahil kahit gaano ako nasasaktan... Hindi ko siya maiiiwan.*
...
Putragis. Ang corny ko.
Tuesday, June 8
Jun. 8 Tues.
"Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become." -Away From Me, Evanescence
...
I was on my bedroom floor.
The lights were on, and bright, and blinding.
The radio was on, and loud, and blaring.
The door was half-open,
And my father was right outside, pacing.
I was on my bedroom floor.
...
And nobody saw me crying.
...
I lay in bed that night, with my father sleeping soundly beside me. So near he was, yet so far...
I drowned in the soft yellowish glow of my celphone's LCD. My eyes blurred over.
...
I was sorry.
For what?
Everything.
Every single fu*king thing.
For making her sad all the time,
For always being so negative,
For complicating things,
For making her feel bad,
And for being
So. Damn. Weak.
...
Everything.
...
I wanted to fall asleep, and not wake up.
To suffocate under my blanket.
And so I lay there, in a sealed cocoon of my own cowardice and weakness.
Air had no way in or out.
I inhaled my exhale till my lungs stung, my head spun, and my muscles ached.
I gritted my teeth at the pain, and soon fell asleep.
...
...
I woke up.
I felt sick to my stomach.
I wanted to throw up.
Swallowing too much tears wasn't such a good idea.
...
I felt worthless.
I was nothing.
Nothing at all.
If I died, it wouldn't change the world.
If I wasn't born, it wouldn't have made such a difference to the world.
If I inched away from her, she wouldn't care.
Hn. She probably wouldn't even notice.
...
*Coz she aint the one drowning in an ocean of shattered glass now, is she?*
...
*Not anymore...*
...
...
I hated what I've become.
...
But guess what?
...
...
She still loved me.
...
"Why do you love me...so much? I don't deserve you."
"I don't know why I love you, I just do. And...you deserve much more."
...
...
And as the dawn crept in,
I fell asleep in the arms of someone who loved me.
...