Saturday, July 23
Jul. 23 Sat.
“It’s her hair and her eyes today
that just simply takes me away..
And the feeling that I’m falling further in love
makes me shiver -
but in a good way..
All the times I have sat and stared
As she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
And she purses her lips
Bats her eyes as she plays with me
Sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say –
Coz I love her with all that I am
And my voice shakes along with my hands..
Coz she’s all that I see
And she’s all that I need
And I’m out of my league once again.” –Out of My League
...
I didn’t care even if the guy in front of us was being a jerk.
I didn’t care even if the girl beside him was letting him be a jerk.
I didn’t care even if the other guy was staring and trying not to stare at us.
I didn’t care even if she was a few paces northwest, pretty and normal and arousing bittersweet memories in both of us.
I didn’t care even if my dad was biting my head off.
Heck, I didn’t give a fuck that everybody was just twitching at us, heads shaking in disapprovement.
Hell, the world could DIE.
All I cared about was the taste of your blood on my lips..
Your slow breaths warming my shoulder..
Your hair entwined around my fingers..
Your smile, your laugh..
Feeling your warmth and softness under my hands, burning me to the soul.
I don’t care what the world thinks.
They have ears, eyes, hearts, minds..
..and if they still don’t see, hear, feel what I do – what we do – then damn.
Its their friggin loss.
I’d gladly get lost in you, and find myself again.
...
Wednesday, July 20
Jul. 20 Wed.
“It’s okay..you can leave me..” –sis
...
hmm..where to start.
Hell week is good.
The kapatiran, where I had a kewl sister Denise Pau – damn, ang bait, ang ganda, thoughtful! I got lucky..steph’s was the kind who probably had the worst case of ADHD, and maika’s didn’t even bother to show up!
We laughed at how AF tortured their sisters [making them dance like chickens all around the caf, do squats shouting “ang ganda ganda nyo po!”, make a car out of a balikbayan box and drive around in it..], how most of the freshmen came to school with sacks and pails for bags..
Of course, I didn’t torture denise.. and she was thankful for it, haha..
I just gave her clues on who I was [sobrang dali, c’mon..one of the twin towers? All she had to do was look up!], and ask Les who was “marquis de sadde”..
Yehey, she found me..
The theme was Telefantasya [ugh..], and everybody came with a hunchback, flippers, green skin, feathers, and extra limbs..
Of course, di namin sinunod [pasaway, haha!]..we came as the cast of Ibong Adarna – sobrang nakakatawa! Anne’s sisters’ was the best – since dalawa sila, she made them wear one half of ibong adarna.. when they stick their bodies and cheeks together, they make the whole bird!
I made Denise look like Don Juan [ang gwapo nya!]
Our other sisters were the snakes in Valentina’s hair, and I was..er..well, I was one of the kontrabidas. Whoever I was. *shrugs*
We spent the night playing games, and I even got to carry denise on my back! Wow. Mr. Philippines!
The food was..well, okay.
Had one of the best times ever. Gave my sis a planner with a sticker inside, and she gave me this cute note out of cut-outs..
And a blue superman pin, with a stressball to boot.
*grin*
sis was right. Sisters are cool.
...
...
Leadership Training.
Well..nothing much to say about it..
Had to craw on my belly through grainy flour and cold granite, sell a box for 1M bucks, grin at a humungous dead rat, and ride on a broomstick.
Nica has this cool new gadget – a camera, vidcamn, webcam all in one. And its barely the size and weight of a remote control. Problem is, we cant see ourselves when we take the pic.
You do need to see yourself before you click away.
Or else, you wont come out right.
For the whole activity, I saw, heard, smelled, felt, tasted nothing but stars.
We are all stars.
We must shine.
I had half a sleepy mind to raise my hand and ask: “the brighter stars burn, the shorter their lives are, right..?”
...
...
I fought for the chance to spend even just an inkling of a minute with my sis before she flew to jantofeb.
Didn’t really care what dad or kuya said before, during, and after that. All I cared about was giving the mesh of colors to her.
Gold and white and blue. With a pearly button at the end.
“So you’ll never forget Assumption, and the people in it.”
I guess it didn’t register in my mind at that moment, that that was gonna be the last cushion-y warm hug she’ll give me for three years.
“cuti pie is a delicacy. Good for back aches, and for pregnant women. Yes, it is. Berry gud, dis cuti pie.”
Sure it is. For a dish that has goat fetus in it, its bound to be good for anything.
Can’t wait till you get home.
Groupdate tayo.
...
Saturday, July 2
July 2 Sat.
“I looked away
then I looked back at you.
You try to say
The things that you can’t undo..
If I had my way,
I’d never get over you.
Today’s the day
I pray that we’ll make it through..
Make it through the fall,
Make it through it all..
And I don’t wanna fall to pieces,
I just wanna sit and stare at you,
I don’t want to talk about it.
And I don’t want a conversation,
I just wanna cry in front of you,
I don’t wanna talk about it,
Coz I’m in love with you.
You’re the only one
I’d be with till the end..
When i come undone,
You bring me back again.
Back under the stars,
Back into your arms..
Wanna know who you are
Wanna know where to start
I wanna know what this means..
Wanna know how you feel
Wanna know what is real
I wanna know everything, everything..
I’m in love with you
Coz I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you
I’m in love with you..” –Fall to Pieces
...
Its quite amusing when you people underestimate me. I’m stupid, not dumb. I KNOW THINGS.
Honestly, its amusing when you lie to me too. Yeah it is. I guess I’m just too shocked that you still lied to laugh out loud.
I know and I can feel certain issues..and I give you chances to confess or make up for it..and yet, you still lie.
Would it help if I said that I knew you were lying?
Would it help if I said it felt like you ripped me from the inside out, drowning me in thick blood and tears and heat in my very throat and chest?
Would it ease your guilt if I admitted that I’m being overreacting and childish, being so devastated with such a petty thing?
Would it help you realize the truth about me when I say that whenever I am lied to by the people I love and trust with all my heart and soul, I feel like the lowest, most disgusting, unsignificant creature – being unworthy even of the truth?
...
...
I wish I had enough courage – or even enough cowardice – to make my fist collide into every inch of glass, and eventually plunge a considerably big chunk into the root of all this shit I make myself go through – my heart.
I guess this is my turn to be the god of Love. Y’know that scene – where he jumps awake shrieking from the boiling oil searing his shoulder, proof of the lack of trust of his “beloved”, then he flies away with a heart-wrenching:
“Love cannot live where there is no trust!”
I swore to myself that I wouldn’t cry over somebody who killed me, but never really loved me.
“Bakit kita iiyakan, eh ni hindi mo man lang ako minahal?”
..but did you know? I did cry. Cried like there was no tomorrow. Not really for what you did to me, but to what it implied on me – what I really was. A fucking nobody. A nothing. Stupid and dumb. Gullible. Unworthy of anything. Pathetic.
...
...I collapsed on my bed, radio blaring, lights blinding, celphone turned off; me crushing the softest, biggest pillow against my fever-striken body, sobbing almost uncontrollably into the mush of cotton and cloth, imagining it was you I was holding close, whimpering your name in hoarse hiccupping gasps, telling myself:”Kunwari yakap kita ngayon..
kunwari ayaw mo ako bitawan..
Kunwari matutulog na tayo..
K-kunwari na lang..kunwari mahal mo ako..
kunwari mahal na mahal mo ako..”
Alam mo ba na matagal na kitang pinatawad – bago ka pa lantarang nagsinungaling?
Alam mo ba na mahal pa rin kita?
..at hindi ko alam kung bakit.
...