Monday, February 28
Feb. 28 Mon.
“Mga mata’y kanyang minulat sa pagdadalamhati..
...
Hinahanap sa kung saan-
Pakpak na hindi mahagilap..
Ninanais ko lang naman na maging ganap..” –KLSP
...
Want a taste of Hell?
You don’t have to be Constantine to get a glimpse..
“Celine..There’s a problem..he’s not who he says he is..”
“Yan..? Kilala ko yang guy na yan sa picture..and that’s not his name..”
“Celine naman..sabi ko na sayo dati, diba? Kilala ko yang guy sa pic, at di nya pangalan yun! Kuya mo ko, di mo ko pinaniwalaan..”
“No offense twinstar..pero dati pa namin inakalang nagsisinungaling siya.”
“Everything about me is a lie. There. Happy now?”
“Abusado ka na, ah! Puta..panay chat at telepono at computer kasi ang inaatupag mo eh! Sa tingin mo kaya mo gawin kahit ano gusto mo?!”
“Alam mo problema mo Cel? Sobrang bilis mo maniwala..”
“Ang kulit kasi ng puso mo eh..masyado magmahal!”
“Ikaw kasi Celine eh..umasa ka pa..”
“Just go, okay?”
“Don’t be stupid, Cel..hindi pa nga kayo nagkikita, naniwala ka na agad sa lahat ng sinabi nya!”
“Ano’ng gusto mo gawin ko?! Ha?!”
“Sabi ko na nga ba eh..imposible kasi na may sobrang perfect na guy ang mapadpad kay Celine Estrada..”
“I want you out of my life..”
...
...
Maybe..
Maybe I just wanted to be happy.
For once..
But I guess I was stupid to hope.
Hope that I would finally get what I always wanted..what I needed..
I couldn’t tell the truth from the untruth..love clouds my mind and heart..
So many emotions brewing inside me, as I melted away with the soft glow of follow-up text messages..
Maybe..
I wasn’t meant to be happy.
No matter what I do.
I’ll always just fall down flat on my face.
I didn’t belong here..
And I wanted to go home..
...
My hell?
“If it’s not a lie, then it’s a dream.
If it’s not a dream..then it’s a lie..”
Abandon all hope, all ye who enter here..
Friday, February 25
Feb. 25 Fri.
“I wish you were here with me..” -me
...
I spent the afternoon getting practically plushed all over by these people in the salon. My nails, my feet, my face, my hair..
I ended up looking like a cat.
Make-up artist: *looks at me in the mirror* “Hmm..may konting Chinese blood ka, noh?”
Me: “Uh..yes..”
Make-up artist: *grins* “Papalabasin natin ang pagka-chinita mo, iha.”
Kuya&Me: O_o
Me: *stares open-mouthed at the mirror* “K-kuya..”
Kuya: *eyes widen* “Holy shit Celine..you..you look like..”
(pause)
Kuya: *gasp* “You look like a sexy, slightly Chinese version of Akasha with a hint of puppy-love!”
Everyone in the salon: O_o “Huh??”
Pedicurist: *giving me a foot spa* “Grabe naman paa mo iha..ang haba..”
Kuya: “Eh kasi po ang tangkad nya..ang hirap nga po maghanap ng sapatos para sa kanya eh!”
Them: *laughs*
Me: *grumbles* “If I wasn’t a girl, I’d take that as a major compliment.”
Hair stylist: *does weird stuff to my hair*
Me: *gasp* “Kuya..what’s he doing to my hair?!?!”
Kuya: “He’s uh..teasing it.”
Hair stylist: “Para umalsa buhok mo..its so limp!”
Me: *lip quivers* “I have a feeling I’m never gonna be able to brush my hair again..”
With the movie Dyesebel playing on the TV set in the salon, I got out of there feeling like a kitten who just hopped out of a black-and-white movie.
...
...
I got there with Glenn, who was a perfect gentleman as usual..all the girls’ heads turned at him, and all the guys’ turned at me..>_<
“Pare, sino yun..?”
Damn.
Sorry, I so did not expect that.
Natibo mga kabarkada ko sa itsura ko, and some of the guys, teachers, parents, and sisters were gawking at us. It was fun, really..trying to act like a girl, but failing miserably..i could hardly care.
And excuse me...every girl there shone like a star. As in. I was so happy to see them..so..dolled up in their most beautiful..breathtaking.
Glenn thought my gown was gonna be peach..(damn, I wish!) and bought me an orange corsage, and wore an orange tie (with panda bear prints!! So cute!), much to my amusement. His buttoniere kept breaking off, and I had to pin it on his coat again and again and again..even had to make him unbutton his coat to pin it on properly..much to the entertainment of the girls. *ahem.*
We took it to the dancefloor, and had to drag Glenn to dance..
Me: *tugs Glenn* “Let’s dance!”
Glenn: *eyes widen* *stiffens* “Ayaw!!”
Me: *grin* “Sige na..its just waltz..”
Glenn: *shakes head vigorously* “Ayaw! Ayaw!!”
Us: *blink* *laughs* “Para ka’ng bata!!”
I had to teach Glenn how to dance..and I didn’t even know how!
Glenn: *looks at me* “Erm..pa’no sumayaw..?”
Me: *blink* “Er..di ko rin alam eh..” *looks up at him* *grins* “Kapain na lang natin!”
Glenn: *laughs* “O sige..”
Us: “One..two, two.. Two..two three..ouch!! Sorry!”
People around us: “Aray..nakupo..twin towers!!”
Us: *laughs*
Me: “Teka nga..parang masahado ata malalaki strides natin in this tight crowd..dun kaya tayo sa likod?”
Glenn: *smiles at me* “Sure ba..”
Us: *makes our way to the back, in front of the teachers, parents, and sisters*
Me: “ayan..now where were we?”
Glenn: *takes my hand* *looks down at our feet* “Okay..one..two..”
Us: *looks down at our feet, tryin to dance and not step on each other* “We’re doing it!!!” *laughs*
(light flashes somewhere beside us)
Me: *blink* “What was that..?” *looks around* *sees Sr. Carla with a camera facing us* O_O “OH DEAR GOD..”
Glenn: “Bakit..? What’s wrong..?”
Me: “W-we’re gonna end up in the papers..” *twitching fit*
Teachers, parents, nuns: *giggles at us*
Me: *turns to Glenn* “Let’s..get outta here..?”
Glenn: *takes my hand* “Let’s go!”
Us: *scampers, laughing*
...
The food was okay, and the video presentation was just hilarious. We kept laughing at the part where maika was tugging the leaves of the tree near the MPBuilding, and laughing at the camera, chasing Trixia around with the leaves. We doubled over at Nica’s picture when she was way younger..hgghhhh...there are no words. *manic laughter*
There were times when we really got rowdy, and I acted more of a guy than our escorts. It was really funny, but quite peculiar and damn unfit since I was wearing one of the most elegant (and not to mention tight!) gowns in the place.
Andy: *tugs her date* “Uyy..sayaw naman tayo..”
Andy’s date: *smiles sheepishly* “Uh..no thanks..di ako marunong..”
Me: *raises eyebrow at him* “Dude..isa lang ang rule dito sa barkada: Pag hindi ka sumayaw, SASAYAWAN ka namin!”
Him: O_O
Us: *laughs*
Anne: *grabs me* “Cel! Tingnan mo si Aleli! Shit, ang ganda nya tonight!! Natitibo ako!!”
Me: *eyes widen* “Holy shit!” *gawks at Aleli*
Aleli: *blushes furiously* “Poga Estrada!” *pokes her date* “Er..eto nga pala si Celine at Anne..”
Me: *turns to Aleli’s date* “Grabe..ang ganda ng date mo! Jackpot!” *grin* “Paka-ingatan mo siya, ha! Kundi..”
Guys at the table: O_O
Inna’s date: *hi-fives the guys* “Pare, apir naman jan o!”
Guys: *hi-fives back*
Inna’s date: *hugs the guys* “O, pare hug naman!” *grabs Glenn and hugs him*
Glenn: O_O *stiffens*
Girls: *twitches* “Yaaakk!!! Bumibigay!!”
Me: *growls* *hikes up skirt* “Poga..Bitawan mo nga date ko!” *points a finger at his collar bone, looking down at him* “Pare, kita mo ‘tong takong ko? Ha??” *brandishes my silver heel*
Inna’s date: *blink* “Uh..yeah?”
Me: “Baka gusto mo ‘tong takong ko ang huli mo’ng makita sa mundo’ng ibabaw na ‘to!”
Inna’s date: *eyes widen* *backs away* “Hindi po! Ititigil na po! Magpapaka-lalake na po!!”
Them: *laughs their heads off*
Giselle: *takes a spoonful of salad from the buffet table* “Wow salad!”
Giselle’s date: *takes a spoonful* *looks up at me* “Uh..I guess you’d want some?”
Me: “You guess wrong. I hate salad!”
Giselle’s date: *raises eyebrow* *looks me up and down* “You? Eh ang supermodel nga ng itsura mo, I thought you were a vegetarian!”
Me: *makes a face* “Hell no! I believe in the power of the meat!” *laughs*
Them: *laughs with me*
Giselles’ date: *still eyeing me* “Uuy..ang model ng katawan..pag ikaw naging model, alalahanin mo ako, ha?” *grins*
Giselle: *slowly bows her head*
Me: *looks at him straight in the eye, my eyebrow raised* *ever so slowly puts my arm around Giselle’s waist and pulls her close* “Pare..kung ayaw mo sa date mo..AKIN NA LANG SIYA.” *cocks head*
Giselle: *cowers* *covers her face*
Giselle’s date: *eyes widen* “Uh..wag naman..wala namang ganyanan..”
...
Near the end of the night, I was feeling well..quite normal. Like it wasn’t such a big deal that everyone was wearing flashy intricate gowns (and so was I..), looking their best, and trying so damn hard not to blush with their escorts. It felt just like any other party.
But damn.
Deep inside, I had a nagging gut feeling something was missing.
Something was supposed to be there..
There in the seat beside me.
SomeONE...
else.
...
I don’t mean to offend. I kinda took a liking to Glenn, aside from the fact that he treats me like I don’t exist after the affairs. Im happy for him and his oh-so-sweet girlfriend (but Maika sure as hell aint!), and I commend him for being the ultimate epitome of a gentleman.
But honestly..
I wanted someone else to be there with me..
To share this starlit night with me. Kahit isang beses lang. Dun lang. Sana.
I smiled like an idiot just thinking about how the night would be if he was the one with me.
The one to go the the house, wait (in pure agony) in the living room with my dad and brother (say your prayers..) as I dress up in my room..
see him smile (and hopefully blush) when I walk out of my room..
see him shake my dad and kuya’s hand, watch him nod and twitch with my dad’s last instructions..
control myself from hugging him as we walk out into the night and in his car..
wave at my dad and bro, and sit in the passenger’s seat..
fasten my belt and nag him to do so too, as we zoom off to school..
turn down the radio and just enjoy the silence (that is if I don’t talk and chatter my head off)..
make our way to the entrance, registry, teacher introductions..
fasten his buttoneire as he puts on my corsage..
hook my arm around his as we make our way to table 26..
hold his hand under the table and wait till my friends arrive, blushing like crazy as they see him and cry with joy for me..
walk around and introduce him to my close friends (and anyone else who asks, for that matter), and lead him away from devouring stares..
sit beside him on that vintage car as we take our prompic together, blushing at the photographer’s “Okay closer..closer..closer pa! Perfect! Oh what a nice couple..”, and laugh my head off as we pose in the barkada pics..
stare up a the starlit sky and point out our favorite constellations, smiling in the cool night air..
dragging him to the dancefloor and teaching him how to dance (unless he knows how to dance already, then by all means teach meh!)..
relish the feel of my hand in his, and the other resting over his heart as we dance to the slow songs..
cover my face as I show him how the barkada dirty dances..
pull him to the center of the barkada dance circle, and dance with him (probably twirl him, haha)..
lead him to the back of the crowd where we could dance away from the others (and hopefully get our pictures taken, haha!)..
just enjoy the silence and presence of each other (especially in the really senti songs)..
line up for the buffet with him, challenging his appetite with my feeble one..watch him pile up his food, and eat (I swear, ang sarap panoorin ang malakas kumain..)..
thumb-wrestle (with my trusty thumbs!) with him for the dessert..
lightly whack him when he pulls some of his antics (then grin right after)..
urgently pat his shoulder, pretending im about to say something important, and whispering to him “I love you.”, and lean back to watch him blush..
laugh along with him as I point out my barkada in the video presentation..
point out the barkada black and white pictures in the mosaic, and make him look for my face..
watch in mild interest as they announce the awardees for the night (and probably sink into our chairs when our names get called – of course, care of my berks)..
sigh sadly as the night ends, hugging him one last time..
say goodbye to my berks as we make our way hand-in-hand to his car..
step inside and drive back to my house..
pecks him on the cheek and gives him one last smile as my dad and bro come out to let me in, and shake his hand..
smile as he drives off..then fade into the remainder of the night, and into eternity..
...
But hey..the fact that he called was good enough.
I waltzed under the open starlit night sky, infront of the chapel with my eyes closed..
Heaven, pare.
Really.
And although I didn’t really get what I wanted, I was happy..
We all had a great time, looking our most beautiful, with our ahehehems with us..
And I got to dance with my plushie.
I couldn’t ask for anything more.
Well, maybe pictures from his field trip. :p
...
Sunday, February 20
Feb. 20 Sun.
“And in this next line,
I’ll say it all over again:
That I love you..i love you..
...
I don’t care what they say,
I don’t care what they do..
Cause tonight, I’ll leave my fears behind,
Cause tonight, I’ll be right at your side..
...
Lie down right next to me,
Lie down right next to me-
And I will never let go..
Never let go..
...
But still I see the tears from your eyes..
Maybe im just not the one for you..” –Broken Sonnet
...
“Baka naman nabigla ka lang..”
...
Aray ko po.
Masakit ata tama nun.
Napatigil ako dun ah..
Siguro nga.
Siguro nga nabigla lang ako..
But love is a gamble, and im taking this risk.
Bakit ba?
Hindi naman boses ko yung nanginginig ah..
Yung sa kanya.
Alam ko’ng natataranta sha..naiiyak..
Baka naman..
Pareho lang kaming nabigla lang.
...
...
“What’s wrong ba..?”
“Nothing..just go..”
“Go for NOW.”
“No..go for good..”
“What..? Why would I want to do that??”
“Tama sila, okay? Gago nga ako. Gagaguhin lang kita sa huli..kaya iwan mo na ako ngayon pa lang..”
“I believe you..I trust you.”
“..don’t..”
“I don’t see a reason not to.”
“Oh come on..a guy who never shows up? That’s more than enough for a reason!”
“..I’m not like them, okay? I fell in love with your heart, not your looks or money or reputation..”
“.............”
“I wont tug you..or push you..if you don’t feel comfortable about something, I wont force you. I’ll just stay here beside you..but I just want you to know that..”
“..that what..?”
“..you don’t have to hide from me.”
“Takot ka ba na sasaktan mo ako?”
“Oo..”
“Takot ka ba na iiwan kita..?”
“..oo..”
“Well, hwag ka matakot..”
“Bakit?”
“Kasi kahit saktan ako, hindi ako nang-iiwan..”
...
...
Hindi sila nakakaintindi..
Kasi hindi nila nakikita ang nakikita ko.
“I see you..”
“I..I know..I let you see me..”
“..you’re beautiful..”
“...........”
“..what?”
“..nobody’s ever told me that before. You’ve never even seen me in person, but..you see me more than they ever did..”
“..well..they must be blind.”
Pinili nyo’ng makita ang mga masasamang bahagi nya..
Pinili ko’ng makita ang mga magagandang bahagi nya.
And that made all the difference.
...
Saturday, February 19
Feb. 19 Sat.
“..please don’t let go of me..
its only with you that I feel safe..” -...
...
My ultimate 100% hatred is a force to be reckoned with.
And his whole family just earned it.
...
...
“What did they do to you..?”
“Nothing..nothing..basta don’t worry about me..”
“..tell me.”
“Wala nga eh..”
“Ano’ng wala?! Pota, saan ka ba nakatira?! Papatayin ko sila, seryoso!”
“Wala nga nangyari!”
“...”
...
“Mahal kita..”
“Mahal din kita..God, kung alam mo lang kung gaano kita kamahal..”
“Ayoko’ng sinasaktan ka nila..”
“Pero..di ako papayag na bitawan ka..”
“If it comes down to that, I’d rather you give me up than die because of me.”
“I can’t do that..”
“Please...”
“..never.”
“...”
...
Shit talaga.
Shit.
Pag ako hindi nakapagtimpi, mark me.
Mark me, im gonna kill you.
I will feel your hearts pound in my fisted talons, before I slowly crush the life out of them.
Yes, kill you.
In ways you cannot even start to imagine..
All of you.
And I’ll start with you, oh mother dearest.
And I’ll have you know..
Regardless of your sick, twisted tactics..
Your son loves you.. probably more than I love my own mother.
And that’s the only thing keeping Other just below the surface.
Tuesday, February 15
Feb. 15 Tues.
“Your love is like a river,
Peaceful and deep..
Your soul is like a secret
That I never could keep..
When I look into your eyes,
I know that it’s true..
God must have spent
A little more time on you..” –God Must’ve Spent A Little More Time on You
...
Valentine’s day didn’t mean a thing to me before.
Now it did.
...
Such feeble gifts..
“Ano’ng cheap? Malaking bagay na yun!”
“Eh pictures lang yan eh..”
“Yeah..but they’re pictures of you..”
Just as everything tastes better with ketchup..
Everything is made great and beautiful with love.
...
...
I’ve been called a myriad of things in my life..
Insults and praises..
“I don’t believe in angels anymore, but now I do..”
But one..i was never called before. Ever.
“God, you’re beautiful..”
...
...
Poga..
I could have died right then and there.
“..and I am flawed..
but I am cleaning up so well;
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself..”
...
And you know what?
He was beautiful too..
And I didn’t even have to look at his pictures to see that.
...
...
shempre..
blush naman sha to da max.
at ako?
Nangamatis po.
Friday, February 11
Feb. 11 Fri.
“Nobody knows just why we’re here..
Could it be Fate or random circumstance?
At the right place,
At the right time..
Two roads intertwine..” –You’ll Be Safe Here
...
Its amazing waking up and not having to groan and pull the covers over your head, in mild frustration that you’re still alive in this fucked up twisted world..
Coz its not a fucked up twisted world anymore..
It seemed brighter..
And mildly sweeter..
And your pillows seems a lot softer and fluffier.
...
I cant imagine..
Its quite hard to think..
That a few weeks ago, I was practically dead – and I always cried myself to sleep after a heartbreaking day and a soul-wrenching slashing/drinking/smoking resistance ritual.
Its hard to remember how my frown looked like..coz I was always smiling now..
My hair was always neat..
And everybody noticed. And they loved it..
...
I was happy.
Truly happy.
And I didn’t have to smile or laugh or dance just to show it.
I was holding my lunchtray on my way to the barkada cafeteria table, when I suddenly stopped in front of them all. They looked up at me, and I just stared blankly, blinking twice.
“O, Cel..you seem..different..”
“Guys..im..”
“..what?”
“I’m happy..truly happy..”
...
I could feel it brimming inside me. Warm and soft and overwhelming.
Napapapikit ako sa sarap.
It paid off..
It all paid off..
I just realized..
That if I hadn’t went through what I did, I wouldn’t have crossed this path.
For once..
Im thankful I went through that sick twisted seemingly God-forsaken existence I lead before..
Coz now im happy.
And I sure hope he is too.
...
...
I made a poem for EMANON, and after reading it over, I was quite stunned.
I..I actually couldn’t believe how exteremely sad I was before..that I was capable of such misery – enough to fuel my dark inspiration and come up with something so..well, SAD.
I hope I wont have to go back there again..
And I am trying..one day at a time..
*smiles*
...
*Goodbye*
by: cursedchild
Soft cold lips of faded gold
Dared breathe upon creased, sun-baked petals..
Silent trails of chaotic passions-
In streaks of crimson, and blue-black smudges.
Angry galaxies of dying red stars
Run across the narrow expanse of coffee-colored void..
Strands of salt-laced ebony –
Falling softly as tears of the sky;
Cascading, gently grazing,
The twin auburn sunsets across the blurred horizon.
As a solitary drop of liquid diamond
Cuts across the dimly-lit sky;
Flowers bloom and wilt in its fleeting wake..
As the Dawn’s moist lips press gently against parched, cracked earth..
“Goodbye..”
-comes her whisper, confession, final admonition –
Like a dying butterfly, fair and fragile,
Gently weaving through the warm fingers of the afternoon breeze..
Before drowning in the molten-gold gaze of gentle Twilight.
...
Thank you God..
Thank you, sis..
Thank you all my reasons..
And..
Thank you, Anne..for holding my heart right now.
Sorry kung madugo-dugo at medyo durog..
Pagpasensyahan..takot pa ako ipamigay nang lubusan eh..
Yaan mo.
Asakin din puso mo.
Eto o, nasa time capsule..
At di ko ilalabas ‘to, hanggat literal na madapa sa harapan nating dalawa ang Prince Charming mo.
*laughs*
Tuesday, February 8
Feb. 8 Tues.
“..itakas mo ako sa Laoag..” –status
...
I really hate prom now.
Really.
I abhor it.
...
...
The moment I tried in vain to zip up the side zipper of my off-white, secondskin-like gown and looked at myself in the mirror..
Wow.
For once, I appreciated my own body.
When I walked out of the dressing room, wow. They apparently appreciated it too.
“My goodness, you are so..statuesque! Gusto mo ba sumali sa Binibining Pilipinas?”
“Er..thank you, Mr. Lim..but I must respectfully decline..its not allowed in our school..”
“Ay, aabangan kita pagkagraduate mo.”
“Ehe..”
Thanks a lot, dad..for snuffing out my solitary moment of self-appreciation. You just had to remind me just how much everything costs, how you think this is too unnecessary, my bad posture and demeanor, the fit of the gown, my shoes that will take forever to find..
Yeah.
Damn, I love the prom.
...
...
And this issue with my promdate..ohohoho.
It’s a truckload full of crap, if you ask me.
Damn.
One is too friggin shy to go alone. Yeah, I get why he is, but damn! POGA! Hindi ba nakakainsulto yun saakin? Na parang..hindi pa ako sapat para i-entertain sha sa gabing yun – na kailangan pa nya ng kakilalang isa pa para lang ma-satisfy sha?!
Yung isa naman – anak ng kaopisina ng dad ko, matino nga, masayang kasama, sobrang ‘perfect’ na daw according to my kaberks..yknow, yung tipong mayaman, maginoo, gentleman, gwapo daw, matalino, nakakatawa..pero damn! Naloko ako nung isang yun! Pagtapos ng pagkikita namin, ni hindi man lang ako sinabihan na may girlfriend na siya! And he acted as if he didn’t have one! Kinailangan pang ipamukha ng tatay ko sakin na “celine, may gf na yun ha. Pero di ka naman umasa, diba?” Right. Kinuha nga nya ym ID ko at email, pero hindi po niya ako inadd sa ym o friendster or inemail! Di nga nag-text pagtapos eh! Parang..wala lang. Di nya ako kilala.
Wala na nga akong pakielam sa height difference, diba? Sabay gaganyanin ako?!
Shit, man!
So first priority is drop the one who doesn’t want me.
Try to get the latter..pero diba, mahirap? Kasi may gf na nga’t lahat, tapos di pa ko pinapansin..
Tried. Failed. May affair na daw sha. So back to square one. I just have to plead with him to go with me even though his other friend isn’t there.
My dad was enraged. Para daw akong kawawa na trying-hard. I sucked at searching for promdates daw. Parang..kasalanan ko pa daw! So he’ll take it into his own hands..
Poga.
Pinilit nya yung anak ng kaopisina nya! Wow! Diba ang galing? Feeling ko pinilit lang yun ng nanay eh..tipong piningot yung tenga para lang umOO.. Well, umOO nga. Pumayag. Pero poga..i sure as hell hope hindi sapilitan! I think oo..pero sana hindi..kasi parang ganun din eh – walang kwenta. Ayaw pa rin talagang makasama ako.
Its now too late to get a new promdate..
And it sucks that im stuck with dates who don’t realy want to be with me..
It sucks that all my other friends and classmates ended up with their ‘dream guys’, and were already having the times of their lives just THINKING of how they’re gonna be in seventh heaven on the prom..
It sucks that everybody’s pressuring me to look and exude my best, and pushing me to the edge just to impose their dreams on me..
It sucks that I, the eternal icequeen, am so damn STUCK UP about this whole thing..i mean, hello?! Im the type who’s supposed to go with the flow, coz I don’t friggin give a damn about anything that involves girly crap and guys!
It sucks that the guy I really wanted to be with – and yes, he really wanted to be with me too..he’s 6’3 and damn fun to be with, polite and kwela, and damn is his heart beautiful.. – he has a FIELD TRIP on the day and night of the prom! The trip is for TRHEE DAYS! Which meant that he wont make it to the legacy either!
...
Damn it.
Damn the promdates.
If it was possible to go stag, id go stag.
If my berks didn’t practically kill themselves just to prepare for this prom, I wouldn’t go.
At all.
I would much rather hike up my skirt to my knees, ruffle my twirled hair down, break off my heels, and run after my friend to north Luzon.
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He would gladly ditch his trip just to be my promdate..
Damn.
I knew he could do it.
I knew if I agreed, he really would.
But..i loved him. I knew that his grades would nosedive if he didn’t go to the trip. I loved him more than I loved my own ‘dream prom’ and how I would look like that night.
But..
He said he loved me more than his grades. He’d gladly ditch the trip for me. That he’d rather stick a knife at his president’s neck just for him to change the trip sched..
Damn..the temptation..
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But I declined, smiling.
The mere fact that he was willing to do that for me, is more than enough to keep me smiling all prom night.
Tuesday, February 1
Feb. 1 Tues.
“You’ll be safe here..
From the sheer weight
Of your doubts and fears,
Weary heart..” –You’ll Be Safe Here
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My barkada loves the situation im in now..
They’re happy for me.
Very happy.
For the first time daw, I’m neat and smiling, glowing and happy..truly happy.
But..
There’s always a ‘but’.
They don’t..completely approve of it..
Of him..
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I knew that they were only showing their concern for me, trying to save my fragile heart from breaking all over again..
Giselle: “Ay nako guys! Protektahan nyo si Celine! Nangyari na yan sakin dati, nako..take good care of her!”
But it hurt that they were snuffing out my happiness with reality checks. Filling my heart and head with doubts and fears galore – as if I didn’t already have enough of them to last me a lifetime..
I just wanted to shut the fuck up and sleep – if he was just a dream, then I don’t mind dreaming my whole life away, thank you very much.
If he’ll play me, let him play me.
I’ll only get hurt if I want to.
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But no matter what others think..
I trust him.
I love him..
I’ll find out on my own.
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Right now, my heart’s weary with doubts and fears.
And everything’s making me feel like I have nobody to lean on..
I hate the feeling..
Call me Psyche.
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