Friday, January 28
Jan. 28 Fri.
“Run fast if you can,
I’m gonna get you anywhere..
There’s nowhere to hide, baby;
Breathe in, breathe out,
Its almost over now..” –Run
...
It hurt to have to accept that he couldn’t be with me that time..
But it hurt more to know that he lied.
...
Beija: *slumps into chair* *looks up at me* “Cel..he’s sorry he lied.”
Me: *tilts head* “Who’s sorry for whawhat..?”
Beija: “There was no gig at malate..he was supposed to drive over here with a dozen roses and surprise you..”
(nerve-frying pause)
Me: *frantically looks up at ate Sop* “Ate!! Tell me that I’m dreaming, this is a joke, right? Right?!”
Ate Sop: *places her hand on my head* “No, Cel..its true. He couldn’t make it coz he was caught by his dad..”
Me: *sinks into chair* “Take me home!!”
...
The intention was good..
But the child in me hates being lied to.
Sorry..
...
...
But that night was really interesting..
Small world..
And it revolves around the purple-blooded.
Joseph: “C’mon, bea, tell me na who he’s in love with!”
Beija: *looks at me* “Well, Cel..should I tell him?”
Me: *shrugs*
Beija: “Nope. Cant tell you that..”
Joseph: *pins Beija against wall* “Sige na..lalake, babae?”
Me: “Balake.”
Them: O_o
Joseph: *looks back at Beija* “Anong ugali nya..?”
Beija: “Erm..”
Joseph: “Sige na, tell me! Or I’ll grope your fats!”
Us: O_o “ATE SOOOPPP!! SI JOSEPH O!”
Ate Sop: *narrows eyes* “Hoy! Ikaw, bitawan mo si Beija!”
(laughter fit)
Beija: “Look, Joseph..mabait sha! As in sobra..grabe magmahal! Matalino!”
Joseph: “Hmm..i see..well, may itsura ba?”
Me: “No. Pangit sha.”
Beija: “Hindi kaya..”
(silence)
Joseph: “Sige na, sino ba talaga sha??” *holds Beija*
Me: *ihale* “ATE SOOOPP, O!!”
...
...
Maybe next time..
Wednesday, January 26
Jan. 26 Thurs.
“If its too good to be true..
Then it must not be true.” –Kuya Anton’s Philosophy
...
Seemed like Fate and False Hope haven’t left the picture at all..
“..I have to tell you something..and I know you’ll hate me for this..”
“I wont hate you..i’ll try to understand..now go ahead..tell me..”
...
...
...
I actually felt and heard my nerves frazzle.
Literally.
...
But you know what?
I didn’t hate him at all..
In fact, I loved him even more for being honest with me.
“Sinabi ko na sayo nang maaga, para may chance ka pa na iwanan ako..”
“Gago. Sa tingin mo hindi na kita mamahalin dahil dun?”
“..er..siyempre..”
“..wala akong paki-elam sa nakaraan mo..basta hwag mo na uulitin..”
“...”
“o, something wrong..?”
“..b-bakit..?”
*sigh*
“Kulit ah. Kasi..GANUN AKO MAGMAHAL. I want you to be the best person you can be..”
“I’m trying..”
*smiles*
“Then there’s no reason to love you any less.”
I have a heart.
I will use it.
I will love.
God set me on this path, and I do have my doubts if I really have the strength to help this wounded soul to get back up and lead him back to God..
But the world be damned, I’m gonna TRY.
I will face the problems and setbacks one by one, with all I’ve got.
I know everybody will think me stupid for this..
But I don’t care.
...
...
You can call me Kaoru.
Friday, January 21
Jan. 21 Fri.
“SASAPAKIN KO TALAGA YUN!!!” –Beija
...
I woke up..
Took a bath, got dressed, ate breakfast and went to school.
The sun was warm and kind as it glimmered through the leaves and warmed my skin..
“Nakalimutan na niya ako by now..
pero masaya ako para sa kanya..
sana lang masaya din siya..”
But it didn’t hurt at all..
The tears wouldn’t come, and the knots remained loose..
The ashes were silent and burning no more.
...
...
The only reason why I was able to share the gospel reflection for the whole High School nicely and wholeheartedly was because I really did think I was still dreaming.
Dreaming..
The words last night were just a dream..
And I was dreaming.
“As a final statement to end our reflection, I would just like to say something from the heart..
As I learned from personal experience..
Running away from God is not the answer...because God IS the answer.”
The cheers were almost real..
The day was surreally nice..warm and crisp at the same time.
I couldn’t help thinking..
Someone out there was going to be happy..
At last..at long last.
...
...
By clubtime, Reality sunk in.
It didn’t hurt..
It ACHED.
I went home a wreck.
But I didn’t complain..i didn’t whine..i accepted the shit that was my fate..
But then..
“..mahal pa rin kita..
hindi nawala..
hindi natangay ng araw..”
...
...
The universe unfolded itself..
And I found myself slightly teetering..
If this was a dream, then it was a good dream..
And I never wanted to wake up.
Because now I believe that I am at last, at long last..
provided by VideoCodes4U.com
Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated
*smiles*
...
Thursday, January 20
Jan. 20 Thurs.
“..ikaw yun..” -...
...
It was happening all over again..
I could feel it.
Something was being kept from me, and I didn’t like it..
It hurt.
For the last time, it hurt.
But then I felt numb..
Like the flames had finally reduced me into ashes..
...
...
It was heaven and hell all at the same time again.
Again..
For the last time..
...
...
Heaven..
“Yung sinasabi kong isa ko pang mahal, ikaw yun..”
...
Hell..
“But when the sun rises in the morning, I would have to forget that I love you..
ive been hurt enough..
and I don’t want to hurt you either..”
...
And all I could do was nod.
And smile..
And joke..
I felt nothing..
I was only ashes.
...
Wednesday, January 19
Jan. 19 Wed.
“Ready na ready ka na for swimming ah!” –my classmates
...
I’m stupid.
Epitome of stupidity.
Talaga!
I went to school lugging around my extra bag for PE swimming class, took off my shoes, accessories, tie, and put on my pink flip-flops (courtesy of Giselle..), and discovered...
I forgot to bring my swim suit.
“Sira ulo ka talaga, Celine! Ahahahhaha!”
...
...
And yet another survey..
| .:General Info:. | |
| Name: | celine |
| Age: | 16 [more like 40...] |
| Gender: | O_o er....androgynous. [there's no other word...] |
| Height: | 5'9 [they dont call me GROWEE for nothing!] |
| Birthday: | october 4 [do the math] |
| Hair Color: | black [sometimes blue-black. dont ask me why, i dont know!] |
| Describe yourself in one word: | ........kakaiba. [i quote anne, hahaha] |
| Describe your personality in one word: | .......di karaniwan. [redundant, ne?] |
| .:School Life:. | |
| What grade are you in: | third year highschool [in the parallel universe, im in first year college.] |
| What school do you go to: | the big one right smack in the middle of the mountains... [bakit, totoo naman ah!] |
| And where is that: | *points upwards* |
| Do you get good grades: | not as good as i should have... [based on my IQ, im a friggin underachiever! long live the UAC!] |
| Favorite Subject: | biology. straight up. [..*sharpens scalpel* mwahahaha...] |
| .:Love Life:. | |
| Sexual Preference: | *BLINK* uh....sraight up? [*manic laughter*] |
| Do you have a bf/gf: | lots. there's Rain, Death, Fate, Pain...Memnoch.. my 7 concubines... [and it goes on...*laughs*] |
| If so,what is their name: | *grin* marami yan.... |
| How long have you been dating: | since....hmm...before i was born.. [two years before, to be exact *wink*] |
| Do you consider yourself in love with them: | ......*laughs softly* |
| If so,why: | coz i have a heart and i use it. |
| Have you had your first kiss: | YES. [with Pain! i got burned to ashes..] |
| If so,when: | hm..when i was 8 years old.... |
| Do you have a crush: | nope. i dont get crushes. |
| If so,what is their name: | wala nga eh, kulit... |
| Why do you like them: | fine. i have a crush on Pain and Death...and i like them coz they know how to friggin turn me on! [its called torture.] |
| Do they know you: | oh yeah.... i doubt they'll ever forget my name....[grin] |
| Do they know that you like them: | *bats eyelashes* i think their scars will remind them... |
| How long have you known them: | *grits teeth* kulit. two years before i was born. |
| .:Friends:. | |
| Best Friend(s): | none. [i have a curse with the title of 'best friend'....they never last.] |
| How long have you been friends: | *twitch* not one lasted for more than a year |
| Do you consider yourself a good friend: | ....ask them. |
| How many friends do you think you have: | erm...lots. [smiles] |
| Most popular: | hn. si....kuya enton! [popular to girls AND guys nationwide!!] |
| Most conceited: | ANDY!!! [tingnan nyo wallet at folder nya, filled with pics of herself!! vain! vain!!! haha, jowk.] |
| Friendliest: | all of em. [wink] |
| Meanest: | Maika. wahaha, jowk din |
| Prettiest: | shempre....lahat sila! [naks, chickgirl ba ito?] |
| Craziest: | the whole lot of em, demmet! |
| Oldest: | si kuya eentooon! |
| Youngest: | hmm..si Marie? [nine months, baby!] |
| Most recent: | Glenn [dont ask...] |
| Smartest: | all of em. [hidden geniuses, the whole lot of em...] |
| .:Favorites:. | |
| Food: | pizza! |
| Person: | Jesus. [any objections?] |
| Number: | 4 and 8 [put a dash across 4, and you got the chinese character for death...8's eternity..haha] |
| Show: | lots!!! anime, who's line, xmen, the simpsons, good eats, eyewitness....the works! |
| Letter: | hmm... T. [i got one carved on me..] |
| Song: | iris |
| Band/Singer: | evanescence.. |
| Place in the world: | the place where the sky kisses the sea... |
| Season: | autumn.... [i love the rain..the cold...the burnt golden leaves..] |
| .:Your-:. | |
| Dream Vacation: | in my bed, wrapped in blankets and pillows, hugging DUDE and sleeping forever.... [yes. sleeping. and not in the context you green minded wackos think!] |
| Dream House: | anywhere between heaven and earth.. |
| Dream Room: | *blink* okay, thats getting weird... anyway, a room...with black challboard walls, and foggy glass floors.. |
| Location: | in this box of a house... |
| .:Last Time You:. | |
| Watched T.V.: | im watching now... [the One jet li!!! oh yeah, da best..] |
| Went to the bathroom: | kanina lang. poga 'tong pantog ko... [drank a can of cali straight up eh!] |
| Ate: | just ate.... [*groans* my stomach's full to bursting...im fat, alright?? stop stuffing me!!!] |
| Slept: | last night... |
| Listened to music: | im listening to music now... [you look at me, but you dont see..understand im a sinner!! *headbang*] |
| Used the phone: | i....cant remember.... *laughs* |
| IMed someone/Got an IM: | im chatting now. *wink* |
| Went to school: | kanina lang.. [*rubs temples* sabaw na utak ko..CEM ng geom, tapos test din sa geom pagtapos!!!] |
| Played a game: | im playing one now... [its called 'watch celine crash and burn'..] |
| Took a shower: | this morning haha |
| Hugged someone: | awww....just this dismissal *smiles* |
| Went on a date: | yesterday. [i danced under the sky..and my date Rain alongside me *grin*] |
| Wrote a letter: | ah, i dont remember. |
| Cried: | ..... |
| .:Last Person You:. | |
| Hugged: | ate maecy *smiles* |
| Kissed: | erm.....*hides tongue collection* ehe... |
| Laughed at: | myself |
| Cried over: | ......myself..... |
| IMed/Got an IM from: | josh |
| Hurt: | ............ |
| Talked to: | dad |
| Spoke to on the phone: | beija |
| Ate with: | dad.. [*winces* my stomach's still in for it..] |
| Spent time with: | .........*sigh* |
| Saw: | ate wilma |
| Missed: | my seester. *pout* |
| Heard: | lara croft in this movie im watching... |
| Played with: | myself [sounds wrong? .....it is! *laughs*] |
| .:Have You Ever:. | |
| Been out of the country: | nope. [unless you count the time my mom was pregnant with me, so ive been to thailand.] |
| Been out of state/province: | yep. zambo every year |
| Done drugs: | nope...i think....ehe. |
| Done anything illegal: | *evil grin* |
| Slapped someone: | *blink* yes. nearly knocked myself out with that one.. |
| Cut yourself: | ...hn. everytime i get my hands on something sharp.... [but the promise keeps them at epidermis..] |
| Played an instrument: | yep. |
| Hurt someone for no reason: | nope. |
| Hurt someone: | .......... |
| Killed an insect/bug: | haha, feel the wrath of my high-heeled boots!!! |
| Gotten stung by a bee: | not a bee. a friggin HORNET. nagblack-and-white paningin ko sa lason nun!! |
| Lied to your parents: | ehe. yes... |
| Stole Something: | yep. i was in preschool... |
| Kissed Someone: | *raises eyebrow* |
| .:This Or That:. | |
| Rock or Rap: | rock, man! [heabangs to kjwan] |
| Singing or Songwriting: | singing [i can write, but i suck at songs...] |
| Tennis Shoes or Sandals: | sandals. [not the stylish ones, mind you. the trekking ones..] |
| Phone or Computer: | computer [may voice conference naman, diba?] |
| Biking or Skating: | biking [although i did get a nasty acciddent coz of bikes...] |
| Analog or Digital: | digital [i want an ipod...la lang.] |
| Coke or Pepsi: | coke. [hit hit bugah? nyaha, jowk..] |
| Sprite or Sierra Mist: | sprite shempre.... |
| MTV or VH1: | mtv! [im still waiting for Daria to get back on screen...] |
| R&B or Country: | R&B! [susmarya...country ba ito??] |
| Cingular or T-Mobile: | ay, di ko yan alam. igno! |
| Cats or Dogs: | dogs. [cats are too proud..] |
| AIM or Yahoo: | yahoo!!! [shempre, may ym..] |
| Bzoink or Quizilla: | both... *grin* |
| .:Word Association:. | |
| Birthday: | obituaries |
| Peanut: | brain |
| Good Charlotte: | hope |
| Ravioli: | some demented itallian dude... |
| President Bush: | gay motherf*beepbeep* |
| T.V.: | box |
| Rock: | roll |
| Rap: | bling bling |
| Chef: | iron chef hiroyuki sakai! *manic laughter* |
| Boys: | dorks |
| Girls: | dweebs |
| Calendar: | dates |
| Fan: | dresses.. |
| Evil: | ............yun. basta. |
| .:Right Now: | |
| Eating: | my left wrist.. |
| Drinking: | a tincture |
| Watching: | some shark friek on national geographic... |
| What is on your mousepad: | a very dirty mouse... *whacks it* |
| What are you doing: | typing. duh. |
| What song are you listening to: | the song in my head: [a cold surface, a little dangerous...a free fall in, a cold on set!] |
| What's in your CD player: | cd of the calling |
| Wearing: | red shorts, green shirt [O_o merry Christmas!!! *laughs*] |
| Time: | 9:40pm.... [dang, i better get to sleep soon..] |
| Month: | january |
| Day of the Month: | 20 |
| Year: | 2005 |
| Day of the week: | thursday |
| What website are you on: | hello. bzoink. |
| .:Random Things:. | |
| What color is your mousepad: | green...with a little yellow bird on it |
| What color is your keyboard: | dirty white [with dried blood specks..] |
| What is the phrase you use the most online: | 'right....' |
| Did you like this survey: | eh. |
| Are you sad that it's over: | che. |
| What are you gonna do after this survey is over: | go to friggin sleep, dammit! |
| Do you like pop-up ads: | Gods, i hate em! |
| How long have you been online: | very long...*yawn* |
Tuesday, January 18
Jan. 18 Tues.
“Kapit, nakakalula na -
Wala nang masabitan..
Lapit, nakapagtataka -
Wala nang makapitan..
...
Ako ay nahuhulog..
Ako ay nahuhulog..
Sa ‘yo..” –Nahuhulog
...
And Hope strikes again.
TONK!
That almost hurt.
Pero op cors..dalubhasa na ata ako, devah?
Yeah, I lav it.
Ang astig, noh?
Farang majeek! Yi-HES naman..salamangkeyra extraordinaire ba ito?
I can like make predict-predict the fyutyur.
Kung gusto kong makita nila ako, dun nila hindi ma-gets, chenes!
Oy pero, kung gusto ko naman magtago..dun nila ako ayaw tigilan! Ampota talaga, noh?
O, tapos pag gusto ko silang makausap..dun pa sila kailangan na umalis! Haay, ibang klase nga naman..nakakabitin!
Oy, marami pa yan, ha. Nakakaloka lang talaga mashado yung iba, eh, hahaha.
Ay nako, wag nyo na subukang intindihin. Ganto lang yan.
What I want, the opposite is given to me.
The more I want it, the more of the opposite is given.
Oh, deva may logic pa! Naka, I-career ko na kaya!
Please visit me after I end up in a mental hospital.
Tell me what happened, and how was your day.
Ditch the pills and needles..
The only thing I need is love.
...
...
| What is your name? | celine. [marami pang iba.] |
| How old are you? | 16 [sometimes older, sometimes younger. depends on the occasion and time of day, haha] |
| When is your Birthday? | october 4 |
| What is your zodiac sign? | libra |
| Where were you born? | almost in an elevator |
| Where do you live now? | in a box of a house |
| What color eyes do you have? | dark brown |
| What color hair do you have? | black |
| How tall are you? | very. |
| How much do you weigh? (Be Honest Ladies) | 109 pounds. never changes. ever. and im no 'ladies'. |
| What is your race? | asian |
| What is your worst fear? | ...seeing other in the mirror |
| Do you smoke? | when i was younger |
| Do you drink? | i wish i could |
| Do you cuss? | a helluva lot |
| Do you use drugs? | use? nah. id rather deal em. *evil grin* joke. |
| Have you ever or will you ever steal? | been stealing since i was 5 |
| Are you dependable and/or trustworthy? | sure |
| Do you play in a band or play an instrument? | soon-to-be band: FUDGE. i play the recorder, guitar, erm...yun. |
| Do you have any tattoos and/or piercings? | *grin* |
| If you had a favorite serial killer who would it be? | hannibal lecter. no question, hands down. |
| Do you suffer from depression disorder? | suffer? i AM depression. |
| If you had a choice about how you wanted to die what would it be? | tortured for the ones i love |
| Have you ever tried to commit suicide? | every other day since i was 9 |
| Have you ever purposely caused harm to yourself or someone else? | myself. every other half hour |
| What subculture do you belong too? | too? haha, er...filipino? |
| Are you evil? | *blink* ask memnoch. |
| Do you believe that you can be possesed? | yes. |
| Are you a paranoid person? | sometimes |
| Do you ever get jealous of somebody else? | always. but i always get myself un-jelous, coz love isnt jelous. |
| Are you obsessive and/or compulsive? | yup. i pull my hairs when i'm stressed |
| Are you a violent person? | inside |
| Do you take your anger out on other people? | nope. just me. |
| Do you blame other people for your mistakes? | no. |
| What is your favorite game? | torture celine game |
| What is your favorite movie? | the ten commandments. [oo, jologs ako. pero paborito ko to since kabataan ko pa] |
| Who is your favorite band? | hmm...evanescence? |
| What is your favorite song? | iris |
| What kind of books and/or magazines do you read? | dark, demented, disturbing, classics, FHM, cosmopolitan, MAD...the works. |
| What is your favorite color? | black [but that's a shade, so its red] |
| What is your favorite food? | pizza |
| What is your favorite drink? | peach vodka. straight up. [peach vodka tastes awesome..one way or the other..*grin*] |
| Do you own a pari of converse? | whatsa converse? |
| Do you own a pair of dickies? | pair of WHAT? |
| Would you ever kill yourself or someone else? | myself, yeah sure why not. someone else? nah... [im not homicidal, im GENUCIDAL] |
| Are you a virgin? | erm... |
| Are you kinky? | uh..*loosens collar* |
| Do you like biting? | yeah. and drinking blood. |
| Do you masturbate? | *blink* no comment. |
| Do you watch pornography? | sure. its bonding for me and my bro. [we laugh at the hilarity of it all..] |
| Have you ever dyed your hair an unusual color? | nope |
| Have you ever shaved your head in a socially unacceptable way? | no way.... |
| Are you hyper active person? | sometimes [most of the time, i can hardly move] |
| Are you religious? | yeah. [too religious, according to others..] |
| Do you have any self inflicted scars? | lots. the biggest are the two on my left wrist in a T [im sorry im sorry...] |
| Does pain turn you on? | ..............yes. |
| Do you stand for originality and creativity? | yeah |
| Do you like meeting new people? | not very much. depends on who im meeting |
| What do you like most about life? | you get to love |
| What do you dislike most about life? | you dont always get loved back |
| Do you believe in love at first fright? | im....not...sure. i believe in taking a closer look. |
| Have you ever pierced a body part yourself? | for an earring, nope. but for other things....ehe. |
| Have you ever had to beg for dinner money? | hmmm..not really. dad makes sure of that |
| Do you own a car? | haha, i wish |
| Have you been to jail, yet? | no. not YET. |
| Are your clothes held together with safety pins? | er...no.... |
| Do you have actual scars from punk rock shows? | from punk rock shows? nope. |
| Have you ever vomit while making out? | just the thought of making out makes me vomit. |
| Have you held a job for less than a day? | nope |
| Do you own more than two pair of jeans? | yeah. courtesy of my brother |
| Have you ever had to fuck stuff up for no good reason? | erm....yeah i think. |
| Have you ever been kicked out of your parents house? | almost. [for not going to sleep, and for falling in love] |
| Have you ever been fired from your job because of your attitude? | nope |
| Does the world piss you off? | more than you can ever imagine. |
Monday, January 17
Jan. 17 Mon.
"Yeah...
So this is how you mend..
On cold intricate floors –
A lovely way to show
All the slits inside you..
...
A cold surface,
A little dangerous..
A free fall in,
A cold on set.
...
The ordinary things
Don’t matter to you no more..
A high to reach through me,
When you stalk in silence..
So this is how you mend." -Surface
...
I wanted it.
...
...
I wanted to feel her break in my hands..
Wanted her to crack, to snap, to go insane..
Wanted her to hate me, to feebly resist hating me..
I wanted her to suffer.
...
...
Seemed like Pain, Fate, and Despair were not the only sadists who took notice of the unique pleasure from feeling, tasting, hearing, seeing her suffer...
And damn..
Damn..
Damn.
She was beautiful.
...
...
She smelled like rain-drenched soil, tasted like corn syrup, felt like sun-warmed orchids, sounded like ripples in a pond..
For about three seconds or so.
...
...
The floor was cold, and my vicinity on fire.
Shame and disgust crept in, and molded snugly into me.
Im not as strong as they think.
Im free..
Im warm..
Im blissful..
Im...
I’m addicted.
...
Saturday, January 15
Jan. 15 Sat.
"It feels good to be bad, cel.
Come on..you know you want to..
He.
Bibigay ka rin." -Les and Joseph aka hentai masters
...
Spending the afternoon with two of the best hentai masters is very..very traumatic.
Damn.
And I thought I was bad.
...
They wanted to convert me.
Do I really need converting? *evil grin*
But still, I didn't give.
I wouldn’t give.
Ayaw talaga eh.
Bakit?
...
Coz I believe in true love, and you don’t.
Thursday, January 13
Jan. 13 Thurs.
"Hindi kami naniniwala." -my berks
...
She said she loved me..
And missed me..
Begged me to text back.
I didn't.
...
After 8 years of the same thing, you think I'd be stupid enough to fall for the same shit trap she sets?
Of missed kisses, hugs, twirled hair, crisp cash, ah fuck it.
I spent approximately five seconds trying to figure out if she really meant all that, or just wanted more money again.
I may be stupid, but I aint dumb.
Your 4,000-peso worth of a half-daughter bids you good night and good life.
...
...
I pried the empty brandy glass from his slackened grip, and helped him up from the sofa.
I felt a silent chaos of emotions weigh me down - pain, pity, disgust, anger, and one undefined that softly prodded the raw yielding flesh between my ribs and breast bone.
I envied him. He couldn't feel a thing..
I gulped down the thick chunk of my tongue at the back of my throat as I led his staggering form onto the bed, draping the thin membrane of a blanket over his limp body.
There was envy..and respect. With a silent wish that there was more of that forbidden nectar in the bottle left for me..
"Good night, dad.."
...
...
They wouldn't stop asking me what was wrong.
I refused to say a word.
I knew they would only get hurt and disturbed, bow their heads and fall silent with the inevitable pity they always ended up giving me no matter what.
I loved them for their concern..
But I hated the fact that they only see me when I wanted to hide.
I snapped.
"WALA NGA EH!"
The devil growls tagalog.
...
Tuesday, January 11
Jan. 11 Tues.
"You love me, but you don't know who I am,
I'm torn between this life and where I stand..
You love me but you don't know who I am,
So let me go..
Let me go." -Let Me Go
...
The night was longer than I thought it would be.
I collapsed on the bed with a dying miniature milky way cutting across the soft expanse of coffee-colored void..
I woke up with a new galaxy, ribboned with dying red stars.
...
...
I lost my honor.
Maybe I didn't have it in the first place.
...
Stars never felt so cold.
Saturday, January 8
Jan. 8 Fri.
"Ba't ang bait mo sakin?" -me
...
I fell.
...
Yes, I fell.
Me..
in all my melting icequeenness,
My breaking barriers..
With my shiny ebony black waterfall of hair tied in a half-pony..
My tweezed eyebrows, concealed scars, shaded eyes, glossed lips..
My tinkling gold bangles that matched my earrings..
My assymetrical diagonal-striped gold and sienna two-piece gown with beads lining the slash of fabric across the neck..
My tight, unforgiving skirt..
All the way down to my gold, two-inch high, pointed, embroidered heels.
I fell.
In all that I wore..
And in all that I was.
...
...
It was too good to be true..
It was impossible for it to happen.
Especially to me.
He was too nice.
...
...
I tilted my head back and stared into the softly-lit canopy of broad leaves and twisted branches..
"Are you wishing upon a star?"
"Walang stars eh.."
"Oh..wishing upon a leaf, then, I see."
I smiled.
He laughed softly.
In the pale streetlights, his fair skin was glowing like the moon..elegantly accentuating the inexplicably enthralling contrast of his beauty marks.
His lips were of faded pink, and his hair was a bed of liquid ebony.
The life and passion and optimism that he exuded was that of a fire clutching to the wick, inevitably drawing in the lost drifting souls that wandered the earth.
At some point during the night..
When the fiery lights dimmed low, and the drunken laughter faded away into the sober embrace of their friends..
I actually imagined how it would feel like to kiss his cheek and hold him close, and not have to let go.
...
...
It was too good to be true.
He was too nice.
I fell silent at my father's amused guffaw, and smiled sadly to myself.
With a sigh that only the frosted car window heard, I looked out into the star-lit sky and wished.
I wished he didn't act so nice to me.
I wished I didn't act so vulnerable.
I wished I didn't close my eyes when I ate that cone of dirty ice cream.
I wished the alcoholic drinks had more than 6% alcohol.
I wished dad didn't have to be just a village away from the party.
I wished I drank more than one bottle.
I wished I didn't care what he thought about me after that night.
I wished I dirty danced with my friends.
I wished I was a guy.
I wished I didn't let myself fall.
I wished he was gay.
I wished..
I wished dad would have told me that the guy he set me up with already had a girlfriend sooner.
...
Wednesday, January 5
Jan. 5 Wed.
"I belong to an age-old force..
whose power I cannot comprehend.
And yet I feel its essence pounding
through every part of my being,
calling me to do what I was created to do..
...
To LOVE." -CelEs
...
What the hell do you think you know about me?
About my heart?
...
It never forgets.
The brain might, but the heart - MY heart - doesn't. Won't..
Can't.
...
...
One time big time to, pare.
Pag naukit ka na jan, hindi na yan mabubura.
Pwedeng matapalan, matakpan, mapatungan..
Pero hindi nabubura. Hindi nakakalimutan.
Nanjan pa rin habang-buhay.
...
...
I care.
I care..
But now that I do..
Everyone else didn't anymore.
...
...
Stupid.
Painful.
Downright inhuman.
I wish I could close my fingers around my oh so available heart and shoot down every single bitch and bastard who stole the bits and chunks of it.
The price..
But why do we have to pay it?
And even more confusing..
Why do we still choose to pay it?
...
We always have a choice.
Nobody can force you to feel or do something you don't want to..
Stop if you want.
Go on if you want.
Have faith if you want, but its your choice.
But of course..don't forget.
Fate favors the cowardly.
Hn.
Birds of a feather..
...
...
Seems the tables have turned.
But no, I am not going to give up.
I don't give a friggin damn if there's no hope in sight..no hope possible..
I'll fight for what I think is right.
I'll fight for what I think is best..for the ones I love..
To the death. To my death.
I understand, you know.
More than you think..more than others can.
I just wish I had the wisdom and gentleness of angels..
But no. I wasn't given that.
And I know I'll never have that. Coz im no angel.
But still I will do what I can.
Fuck pain. Fuck fate. Fuck death, dammit.
Love conquers all.
...
Monday, January 3
Jan. 3 Mon.
"Life it seems will fade away,
Drifting further everyday..
Getting lost within myself,
Nothing matters, no one else.
...
I have lost the will to live,
Simply nothing more to give..
There is nothing more for me,
Need the end to set me free..
...
things not what they used to be,
missing one inside of me..
deadly loss, this cant be real,
cannot stand the way I feel.
...
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony..
Growing darkness taking dawn..
I was me, but now he's gone.
...
No one can save me but myself -
But its too late..
Now I cant think,
Think why I should even try..
...
yesterday seems as though
it never existed..
Death greets me warm -
Now I will just say goodbye..
Goodbye." -Fade To Black
...
Truth.
Lies.
...
Life.
Death.
...
Faith.
Doubt.
...
Hope.
Despair.
...
Love.
Hatred.
...
What does it all mean?
...
You want faith?
...
Lie flat on the floor face-down, spread your arms open, close your eyes and admit:
Yes, admit.
For it is the truth..
"I am Yours...save me."
...
Sunday, January 2
Jan. 2 Sun.
"Pwede na maging postulate theorem ko!!!" -me
...
...
Heaven?
"Cel, ano ka ba?! He said YES! YES DAW!"
"What..?!"
"Dati pa sha pumayag, ano! Kaw kasi eh..napaka shy ka pa!"
"Oh my..i mean..i..i!"
"Uuuy, si Celine..kinikilig!!"
...
...
Hell.
"But Cel..i have to tell you something.."
"He's already in love with another girl."
...
...
Bright side?
Pwede na maging postulate theorem ko.
...
Saturday, January 1
Jan. 1 Sat.
"Tama na yan, inuman na!
Hoy pare ko, tumagay ka.." -Inuman Na
...
New year was filled with noisy rockets, blinding flashes, weird mooing sounds from the neighbor, firework duds, improvised spaghetti sauces, popless champaigne, and me getting tipsy after my second glass of martini.
Tasted like apples.
This new year was a lot duller than last year..but after all that happened worldwide, I was thankful we were still here together. Just barely, but still.
We had to admit it. 2005 was going to get a lot more..er..challenging.
...
Later that afternoon, we prepped up for the family reunion which was going to be held at our house. The first hours off were kinda dull..but when I woke up from my nap and saw that my close cousins were there, things started to pick up.
We chatted a lot - kuya, me, regine, the twins, and kuya lester..and we played around with Marie our baby cousin. We had loads of laughs, and were stuffed with food from lola and tita susan.
Later in the evening, us cousins and tita Nida took a stroll down the streets around our house. Our younger cousins who we call: the three stooges (composed of Chris, Fonzy, and Angelo) pretty much peed on the sidewalk.
Tita Nida: "O sige..pataasan kayo ng ihi!"
Us: *laughs*
Me: "Oy, sali ako!" *poses to unzip fly*
Them: O_o "CELINE!!"
Us: *roars with laughter*
We bonded a lot that night, and it felt really good..it was hilarious, really. We had so many things in common, and a lot more things different..but somehow, we got along just fine.
Chris: *slings arms around kuya Lester's neck from behind, pulls him down* "Haha! Gotcha!"
Kuya Lester: *eyes widen* *calls out weakly in a squeaky voice* "Ma..Ma..MA!!!" *reaches out for tita Nida*
(pause)
Us: *rolls on floor laughing our heads off*
Tita Nida: "Ang laki laki mong tao..kayang kaya mo kargahin si Chris, sabay ganyan!" *laughs*
Kuya Lester: "But ma! He had me around the neck!"
Me: "Mommy pa talaga tinawag eh, hahaha!"
Fonzy was a very very jelous kid. He fumed when he saw us fuss over Marie so much..and his older siblings the twins and Kuya Lester were teasing him a lot, hahaha..
Te An-an: "Tingnan mo Fonzy o, sobrang cute ni Marie!"
Kuya Lester: "Oo nga, mas cute pa sayo!"
Fonzy: *pouts* "Hindi na ko magm-mister Cat sa inyo!!" *storms away*
Us: *laughs*
...
...
We watched them drive away that night..as they left us three to retreat back into that empty box of a house.
But when we walked back to our house..we all held each other’s hands..i stared at our shadows..savored the feel of kuya's smooth silky hand, and dad's rough and coarse one..
We loved each other. We lived for each other. We struggled, but still we try everyday..
We were a family.
And we went back to our home.
...