Wednesday, March 31
Mar. 31 Wed.
"Like, OH MY GOD. If you were more confident, ALL the guys would be asking for your number! I'm like, SERIOUS!" -ate Patti
Morning. It's my kuya anton's birthday! I was awakened by my cell alarming. I got up and went straight to my kuya's sleeping form. I was going to tickle him awake and give him the necklace I bought. *My turn!* But...my dad beat me to him. Uh-oh.
We're not a very emotionally expressive family. Usually, it's just a joke, a couple of laughs, or a rare laughing fit once in a while. But most of the time, we're pretty much monotonous. Especially around my dad. Kuya was woken by my dad's 'wakeup call', which is an incessant monotonous: "Anton, wake up na. Anton, wake up na." I hid behind the door as my dad gave my bro the money for his party later.
Dad: (monotonous throughout) "O, ayan. 6 thousand." (counts money infront of my kuya) "One, two, three, four, five, six. O, ayan. Happy birthday."
Kuya: "Thanks, dad." (hugs my dad)
Dad: (hugs back, a bit awkwardly)
Me: (smiles)
It seems that I'm not the only one who isn't used to getting hugs, hehe. My dad may not show it, but I know that he loves us very much. Anyway, I gave my gift to kuya. He loved it! Yay! But...he said he needed an extra gift. He wanted me to go to his party. Wearing an outfit HE will pick out. I just twitched. But when I saw what he was going to make me wear...
There...there were no...there were not enough curses. Damn promise.
I was officially in 'girl' mode.
On the way to Jerry's Grill at Makati, we picked up a friend of kuya's. Ate Patti was a really rich 19year old girl who acted almost exactly like my bro. Which is...very weird. Just looking at her face, house, and her outfit, I immediately thought: *Uh-oh...she might turn out to be a part-time torturer just like kuya* But surprisingly, she wasn't. And the same went for all of my kuya's other invited guests. They were all these really extroverted liberated people, who enjoyed expressing themselves freely. But they were also very polite, well-mannered, sensitive, and friendly. They - especially ate Patti - chatted with me about so many things. Funny, coz I thought I would never be able to relate with people like them. Turns out, the only difference we really had was that they were a lot more confident about themselves.
And with special request from my bro, they gave me so many pep talks, I hardly minded that I was wearing...pink. *twitching* They cussed a lot, knowing that I was such an introvert. It was funny, really.
Kuya: "O, guys! You know what? I am soo proud of my little sister Celine..." (hugs me infront of everyone)
Me: (dying with embarrassment) "Oh my God..."
Kuya: "Because this is the first time she has ever worn an outfit like this. She's shy kasi, eh! Pero bagay naman sa kanya, diba?" (grabs me by the shoulders and shows me to the whole crowd)
Me: (freezes up with shock) "Holy..."
Raffy: "Grabe...Anton, pwede bang model ko na lang siya for my fashion show?"
Some Guy: "Tama, Anton! Pwede nang maging model!"
Some girl: "I like your top! Sobrang bagay sayo!"
Me: (seething through gritted teeth) "I...don't...like...PINK!"
Ate Patti: "Why naman 1st time mo lang magsuot ng ganyan? Bakit, ano ba dapat suot mo kung hinid ka fi-norce ng kuya mo?"
Me: "Uh...all black outfit. Long sleeved na black top, black flares, black boots, leather wristbands, silver cross necklace and earrings..."
Ate Patti: (eyes widen) "No way! Bakit naman?!"
Me: "It's because...I grew up with people who insult me all the time..."
Ate Patty: "Oh my God, Celine, like...you should just prove them wrong!" (whips out a pack of marlboro lights) "Do you mind if I smoke?"
Me: "Not at all, go ahead."
Ate Patti: "Im telling you, I would ultimately KILL for a body like yours!" (lights her cig)
Me: "Wha...? Ate, you must be mistaken, I...I don't even look good in this thing!"
Ate Patti: "For your information, Celine, you are the kind of person who would look good in ANYTHING. Kahit na snakeskin sh*t pa yan, I SWEAR!"
Me: "Uh..." (confused stare)
Ate Patti: "And furthermore, you are so funny, and kind, polite and sweet, and you're so smart pa! Like, OH MY GOD. You're the whole package! If you were a bit more confident with yourself, like, ALL the guys would be asking for your number!"
Me: (raises eyebrow) "Oh Lord..."
Ate Patti: "Its true, kaya!" (whips out her bag) "You want pa nga, I'll introduce you to some of them! I know they'd really be intimidated by you!" (leans closer, with that crazed excited look in her eyes) "Seriously, you want?"
Me: (eyes widen) "Uh...k-kuya...h-help...!"
Hehe. Ate Patti is so cool. She's not one of those richkid airhead bimbos I used to meet. Although...she just tends to be too much like my bro.
At the party, around 30 people showed up, including my three cousins. Almost everybody was smoking. As a full-time secondhand and formerly occasional smoker, I was surprised. These people could finish 2 packs in one night. Made me nauseous, really. Pity. They were such nice people. And to think, they're cutting their lives short, sucking on cancer sticks for the heck of it. *sigh*
And about kuya's guests...I can say only one thing:
"Kung nag-androgynous mode lang ako nung gabing yon, ako na siguro ang magiging pinaka-macho sa lahat ng bisita. Seryoso."
PS: Kuya took pictures!
Icequeen out.
Tuesday, March 30
Mar. 30 Tues.
"Sugar mommy mo ako ngayon!" -me
I went to Big R with my friend Anne today. Since we were both bored to death at home, we figured we could invite our barkada to go to a mall. But as it turned out, we were the only ones who showed up, haha.
Anne: "Cel...tayo lang atang dalawa ang makakapunta!"
Me: "Ok lang yon, Anne. Basta sabihin mo sakin when and where."
Anne: "Uh...Big R from 11am to 5pm. Pwede na yon?"
Me: "Yep! It's a date, then!"
Anne: "Celine...nawi-wirdohan nanaman ako sayo..."
Since my bro was in charge of my wardrobe this summer, he made me wear...something. It was blue. That's all I can give you, coz the details will send you pounding the ground with laughter or scuttling away in fear and disgust. I was in 'girl' mode today! Sorta... Anyway, I turned out to be a really bad 'date'. Shit. Told you I was worthless. I showed up an HOUR AND A HALF late coz my bro was arranging his party, and traffic was heavy. She had to go around the mall and shop, until her money almost ran out! So, in feeble attempt to make up for my being such a JERK, I paid for everything else. The movie, lunch, snacks, internet cafe. She was stunned, haha.
Me: (to the ticket lady) "Two tickets for 50 1st dates, please. Thank you."
Anne: (pulls out her wallet)
Me: "ANO KA BA?! Wag na! Akong magbabayad nito, its the least I can do for making you wait."
Anne: (keeps her wallet) "Sabagay. Oo nga, noh, dapat lang! Hahaha!"
Me: "O, bati na tayo?"
Anne: (clutches my arm) "Oo naman! Hahahahahaha!"
Us: (walks away with the tickets)
Ticket Lady: "Miss! Sukli nyo ho!"
Anne: (laughs her head off)
Me: (slaps my hand to my forehead) "Ah, shit!"
Me: "O, san mo gustong kumain?"
Anne: "Ah...kahit saan..."
Me: "Sige, na! My treat!"
Anne: "Talaga? Iba ka talaga, Celine! You're so generous! Rich kid kasi, eh!"
Me: (raises eyebrow) "Anong rich kid? Paranoid lang talaga yung dad ko!"
Me: "Uy, gusto mong mag internet cafe?"
Anne: "Ah...wala na ata akong money, eh..."
Me: "Don't worry, akong bahala sayo!"
Anne: "Seryoso?! Ano ba yan, Celine...lahat na ata binayaran mo na! Nahihiya na 'ko sayo..."
Me: "Ano ka ba?! Walang hiya-hiya sakin! Sugar mommy mo ako ngayon, hahaha!"
Anne: (laughs her head off)
As we were walking through the mall, we encountered a lot of familiar faces. Caria, Domeng, Pam, and Quennie. Much to the joy of Anne, and much to my panic.
Them: (sees us) "OY! SI CELINE AT SI ANNE! KAMUSTA?"
Anne: "Oy, musta?! Aba...ok ang mga get-up natin, ah! Hahaha!"
Them: "Oo nga, eh, hahaha!" (looks at me) "Putragis, Estrada..."
Me: (covers myself with my arms) "Its...Its an illussion! Wala kayong nakikita! Argh, nandidiri nanaman ako sa sarili ko..."
Them: "GAGA! Ano ka ba?!"
Quennie: "Hoy, iha, alam mo bang maraming taong PAPATAY para lang sa katawang ganyan?!"
Them: "Oo nga!"
Anne: "Si Celine kasi, ayaw aminin!"
Me: (pause) "Hoy...hwag nyo to ipagkakalat, ha?"
Catagelophobia and Inferiority complex at work. Well, growing up in an environment where its normal to get killed with insults everyday kinda does that to a person. Anyway, as we were walking around, I noticed that a lot of people were looking at us. Glancing. Staring. Pointing in our direction. Even following us. Funny, my overprotective side surfaced. I hate it when guys - especially strangers - try to check out or get close to my friends. I know for a fact that all my friends are attractive, and guys tend to inch closer. But I just walk alongside my friends, ditch the 'girl' mode, and growl at any guy that comes within a 5-foot radius of my berks. Usually, they don't get that near, coz they just take one look at me - a really tall, really scary looking...thing... who looks like she could sprout fangs, cast a curse, or impale you with a crucifix...and they inch away ever so slowly. It's a fact. No guy will ever get close to my friends when I'm with them. Hehe. Pays to be tall.
But the tables took an unexpected turn. Shocking new fact. For me. I was not prepared for anything like this.
Anne&Me: (walking through the mall)
Guys: (looking, staring, following us)
Me: (growls)
Anne: "Celine, anong problema?"
Me: (through gritted teeth) "Andami kasing mga y-chromosome creatures na naka-titig sayo kanina pa. Nako..." (growls) "Dukutin ko yung mga mata nila, eh! Pag may gagong lumapit sayo, pupugutan ko ng u-"
Anne: "Sira! What makes you think na ako ang tinititigan nila?"
Me: (pause) "Hah? Sino pa ba? Alangan naman ako, diba?"
Anne: "Pakinggan mo ang mga binubulong nila."
Me: (listens while walking)
Guys: (mutters to each other as we pass by) "Pare, ayun o...yung matangkad, yung naka-blue..."
Anne: "O, diba?"
Me: (muffled screams of every curse in tagalog, english, chabacano, spanish, and bisaya)
*twitching* I...am...NEVER entering 'girl' mode in public ever...again.
*twitching stops*
*eyes widen*
Oh no...my promise with...kuya! A whole summer...a WHOLE summer...
*only one sound escapes*
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!"
What is your name?: celine Are you named after anyone?: a ballet dancer *wince* What's your screename?: lots...in different states, hehe Would you name a child of yours after you?: i doubt if i'll even have one If you were born a member of the opposite sex what would your name be?: Trent If you could switch names with a friend who would it be?: nobody. i like my name. Are there any mispronounciations/typos that ppl do w/ your name constantly?: only when they exchange the 'c' with 's' Would you drop your last name if you became famous?: famous or not, i'd change my name after college...if i'd make it till then, hehe Basics Your gender:: more estrogen means im female, right? Straight/Gay/Bi:: androgynous. for full details, contact my mother. Single?: yep If not, do you want to be?: i guess. Birthdate:: october 4 Your age:: 15 Age you act:: depends on the situation Age you wish you were:: 9. i'd change my life. Your height:: around 5 9' i guess Eye color:: dark brown Happy with it?: sure. although id like it glow-in-the-dark Hair color:: black Happy with it?: i guess. i mean, its just a bunch of keratinized dead cells protruding from beneath my epidermis. no big deal Lefty/righty/ambidextrous:: righty Your living arrangement:: uh...living? Your family:: a dad, a 'mom', and an older 'brother' Have any pets?: dogs, cats, bird, chickens, mice, rats, snake(deceased), iguana(deceased) Whats your job?: student Piercings?: two in each ear. two are half-closed, though Tattoos?: over my dad's dead body Obsessions?: *grins* lots. Addictions?: *grins* even more. Do you speak another language?: tagalog and english. bits of chabacano, spanish, latin Have a favorite quote?: two, actually: "love is an illusion meant to fool the feeble...so why does it hurt so much?" "remember, if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off." Do you have a webpage?: yes Deep Thoughts About Life and You in it Do you live in the moment?: rarely. i dwell in the past mostly Do you consider yourself tolerant of others?: very tolerant. Do you have any secrets?: don't we all Do you hate yourself?: constantly Do you like your handwriting?: its a little messy, but i like it Do you have any bad habits?: *grins* depends on your defenition of 'bad' hehehe. What is the compliment you get from most people?: tall, deep, smart, cold, scary If a movie was made about your life, what would it be called?: 'what heart?' What's your biggest fear?: my loved ones suffering and i can't do anything...to fall in love. to have someone fall in love with me. Can you sing?: *laughs* i guess. but nobody's ever really heard me sing, hahaha! Do you ever pretend to be someone else just to look cool?: not really... Are you a loner?: so they say. but...that's changing now What are your #1 priorities in life?: make a difference in the world, show my true self, make people happy...uh...finish college...? If you were another person, would you be friends with you?: nope. id fall in love instantly Are you a daredevil?: if the occassion calls for it Is there anything you fear or hate about yourself?: aside from everything? Are you passive or agressive?: both, if necessary Do you have a journal?: just this blog. real diaries are meant to be burned What is your greatest strength and weakness?: i love too much. (goes for both) If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?: my posture Do you think you are emotionally strong?: uh...yes. Is there anything you regret doing/not doing in life?: oh yeah...wait, scratch that...HELL yeah. Do you think life has been good so far?: sadistic, yes. painful, hell yes...but generally good. What is the most important lesson you've learned from life?: the only permanent thing in life is change. What do you like the most about your body?: my height. my build. the fact that i can switch from 'girl' to 'androgynous' just by changing my posture And least?: my posture. everybody seems to hate it Do you think you are good looking?: how the hell should i know? don't care. Are you confident?: on extremely rare occassions What is the fictional character you are most like?: Daria Morgendorffer Are you perceived wrongly?: all my life. (even the guidance counselor defined me as 'shallow' and 'mataray') Do You... Smoke?: used to. NEVER SMOKE, YOU GUYS. Do drugs?: almost, by accident Read the newspaper?: sometimes Pray?: always. Go to church?: out of obligation. sometimes, coz it was the only place i knew where i wouldn't be killed Talk to strangers who IM you?: sometimes Sleep with stuffed animals?: just one. Ally. *smiles* Take walks in the rain?: you bet. Talk to people even though you hate them?: yes. Drive?: *nervous laugh* tried to Like to drive fast?: if i could, sure! Would or Have You Ever? Liked your voice?: yeah. it can go from soprano to alto to...barritone, haha. Hurt yourself?: ...constantly. im limited to emotional, though, coz i promised. Been out of the country?: never. (pause) wait...does being in Thailand while still in my mother's womb count? Eaten something that made other people sick?: yeah. *laughs* lots Been in love?: ...*laughing stops*... Done drugs?: almost, by accident Gone skinny dipping?: nope Had a medical emergency?: at least once a year Had surgery?: no Ran away from home?: almost. many times. that was when i still couldn't reach the front door lock, hehe Played strip poker?: *grins, then laughs* yeah. at school with my berks. i ended up under a blanket, blouse-less. Gotten beaten up?: when i was younger Beaten someone up?: through crude telepathy. Been picked on?: always Been on stage?: yes. Slept outdoors?: yeah. Thought about suicide?: ...not a half hour passes that i don't, haha. Pulled an all nighter?: a sleepover, sure. If yes, what is your record?: 5:45am Gone one day without food?: two. Talked on the phone all night?: almost. then she had to hang up, and left me with a knife to my heart. Slept together with the opposite sex w/o actually having sex?: i sleep with my dad and bro. go figure. Slept all day?: slept for two days straight. Killed someone?: ...amost. Made out with a stranger?: never Had sex with a stranger?: not in a billion years Thought you're going crazy?: constantly Kissed the same sex?: sure. on the cheek, perverts! Done anything sexual with the same sex?: nope. Been betrayed?: ...*stares blankly*... Had a dream that came true?: several Broken the law?: hehe...i dunno. Met a famous person?: yes Have you ever killed an animal by accident?: *nervous laugh* i accidentally stepped on a snail before... On purpose?: *grins* yeah. for full details, contact my partner in crime, my brother Told a secret you swore you wouldn't tell?: never Stolen anything?: *grins* used to Been on radio/tv?: i don't think so... Been in a mosh-pit?: *laughs* yeah. i transform. much to the shock of people who knew me before Had a nervous breakdown?: twice Bungee jumped?: nope Had a dream that kept coming back?: yes. Beliefs Belive in life on other planets?: as a child of science, yes. Miracles?: as a child of God, yes. c'mon, i text, call, and chat with miracles everyday. Astrology?: not really Magic?: yeah. God?: yes Satan?: yes Santa?: used to Ghosts?: yes Luck?: not really Love at first sight?: uh...i dunno...love is illogical, but not rash Yin and yang (that good cant exist w/o bad)?: yes. Witches?: *nervous laugh* ehehehehe... Easter bunny?: *laughs* if it was holding a bazooka instead of a basket of eggs, sure. CRUSH KO YUNG BUNNY, EH! Believe its possible to remain faithful forever?: of course. Believe theres a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow?: no...there's no end of a rainbow, THEY'RE CIRCULAR! Do you wish on stars?: yeah... Deep Theological Questions Do you believe in the traditional view of Heaven and Hell?: not really. my view is that heaven and hell are not places, but states of being Do you think God has a gender?: no. and even if He was a guy, i wouldn't consider Him as a jerk Do you believe in organized religion?: huh? *blinks* well, what's the use of 'organized' religion, if you don't practice your faith? Where do you think we go when we die?: back to square one Friends Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?: uh...yeah. Who is your best friend?: don't have one. if i did, that person would be dead. Who's the one person that knows most about you?: nobody. seriously. i don't even know myself, haha. What's the best advice that anyone has ever given to you?: three, actually: "don't jump" "open your eyes" "it's okay to cry" Your favourite inside joke?: don't know... Thing you're picked on most about?: that i'm a guy-hater, but ill probably be the 1st one to get married...*twitch* Who's your longest known friend?: uh...my berks, i guess Newest?: te sop, te lalaine, beija, and kyra Shyest?: inna and andy...but whats weird is that, they can also be the most daring at times, haha Funniest?: they're all funny Sweetest?: all of them... Closest?: im...not...sure...there's one that got too close, though...nearly killed her. Weirdest?: they're all weird! *laughs* in their own unique way Smartest?: the're all smart too! occasionaly braindead, though... Ditziest?: issa and my bro. combined forces of the LEF-I (League of the Extreme Fashionably-Inclined) Friends you miss being close to the most?: ...all of them...jo and rae in particular. Last person you talked to online?: issa Who do you talk to most online?: beija Who are you on the phone with most?: i don't use the phone that much. Who do you trust most?: all of them Who listens to your problems?: a select few. *smiles* and of course, God and The Other...as if they have a choice. Who do you fight most with?: myself Who's the nicest?: *grins* in a way, they're all nice... Who's the most outgoing?: *laughs* SI MYKA! LANTARAN YUNG BABAENG YON, HAHA! "gusto ko maging camel!" Who's the best singer?: inna and giselle. *grins* and te sop, and beija, and camille...(jiggly puff!) Who's on your shit-list?: none of them Have you ever thought of having sex with a friend?: no Who's your second family?: they're all my 2nd family! nica and myka are my mom, steph's my grandma, anne's my dad, ate sop and lalaine are my ates, kyra's my widdle sister, and beija's my SIS!!! Do you always feel understood?: uh...no. Who's the loudest friend?: *laughs* MYKA AND INNA! Do you trust others easily?: uh...not really...not all the time...due to past trauma with untrustworthy people Who's house were you last at?: te sop's Name one person who's arms you feel safe in:: secret. Do your friends know you?: i dunno...not really Friend that lives farthest away:: at the moment, beija. argh, 25 days and counting Love and All That Do you consider love a mistake?: if it's associated with me, yes. What do you find romantic?: when someone admits that...there are no words. Turn-on?: *laughs* simple things...almost ordinary things. you wouldn't believe how ordinary Turn-off?: tactlessness, close-mindedness, insensitivity First kiss?: Pain. *grins* made Death jelous, haha If someone u had no interest in had interest in dating u how would u feel?: nothing. it would never happen, anyway. Do you prefer knowing someone before dating them or going: sure, i guess. gives them more time to scuttle away, before i kill them when they turn out to be jerks Have u ever wished it was more socially acceptable 4 a girl 2 ask a guy out: i guess... Have you ever been romantically attracted to someone physically unattractiv: nobody's physically unnatractive. Do you think the opposite sex finds you good looking?: don't know, don't care, don't give a damn. but for their sake...i sure as hell hope not. What is best about the opposite sex?: nothing. i hate guys. What is the worst thing about the opposite sex?: aside from everything? the fact that they they think scoring more and breaking more hearts makes them more of a guy. *growls* What's the last present someone gave you?: pair of shades...from my dad. *smiles* Are you in love?: ...*smile subsides*... Do you consider your significant other hot?: *raises eyebrow* Who Was the Last Person... That haunted you?: *wince* You wanted to kill?: myself That you laughed at?: myself That laughed at you?: The Other That turned you on?: *raises eyebrow* secret You went shopping with?: my bro...*twitch* That broke your heart?: ...*twitching stops*...what heart...? To disappoint you?: myself To ask you out?: anne. we have a date today! *grins* To make you cry?: ...*grin subsides*...myself. To brighten up your day?: the thought of te sop, beija, te lalaine, and my berks *laughs* That you thought about?: ...*laugh subsides*...her. You saw a movie with?: three of my torturers You talked to on the phone?: giselle...pulled me, that one. and she didn't even know it. You talked to through IM/ICQ?: issa You saw?: my bro You lost?: him...and her...i lost them even before i had them... Right This Moment... Are you going out?: *grins* yeah. i have a date with anne. *laughs* Will it be with your significant other?: *laughs even more* no, she's not my significant other. batong-bato lang talaga sha sa bahay. Or some random person?: one of my Reasons. What are you wearing right now?: *nervous laugh* my bro made me wear it...i'm in 'girl' mode today...its blue, i'll give you that...and bare...and...*twitches*...trust me, you DO NOT WANT TO KNOW. Body part you're touching right now:: my face... What are you worried about right now?: how anne and everyone is going to react when she sees me like this...that my bro's gonna take a candid pic of me. What book are you reading?: none at the moment What's on your mousepad?: uh...the mouse...? Use 5 words to describe how you're feeling:: empty, nervous, empty, weird, empty... Are you bored?: to death Are you tired?: you have no idea...but i can't sleep, though, i promised i wouldn't for the summer...*twitch* Are you talking to anyone online?: no Are you talking to anyone on the phone?: no Are you lonely or content?: lonely AND content...as if i have a choice Are you listening to music?: uh...yes...'the color of love'...brings back memories... *sigh*
Really Long Survey (over 200) brought to you by BZOINK!
Monday, March 29
Mar. 29 Mon.
"Hoy, pinag-hirapan ko yang .2 na yan!" -me
My brother woke me up bright and early today. He crashed next to me on the bed, and tickled me awake. I smiled. *Sure, he tortures and kills me everyday - twice on weekends - but there are these rare moments when he really does show his love for me.* I wanted to say something, but the only sound that came out of my mouth was an earsplitting:
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!"
I grit my teeth and doubled over in pain, clutching my lower leg. I suddenly had a cramp in both lower legs for some reason. Felt like I ran a mile in 3-inch heels all night. You could not even imagine how painful it was. After it subsided, though, I realized that it was actually a good thing I was only half asleep when I felt it. Coz if I was fully awake...I would have screamed my lungs out.
My dad and bro watched me in wonder all morning. When I finally asked them why they kept on staring at me, they said that they never saw me act this way before. Because when I was younger, a tiny scratch would send me crying all day. They were used to me being the 'weak', 'frail' and 'crybaby' girl. But now, as they looked at me hobble around the house, gritting my teeth in pain every once in a while, straighten up, and not even say anything...they couldn't believe it.
Dad: "Celine, pakuha nga ako ng tubig."
Me: "Yes dad." (tries to stand) (grits teeth in pain)
Dad&bro: (looks at me) "O, okay ka lang?"
Me: (ignores pain) (straightens up) "Yep." (hobbles slightly to the ref)
Dad&bro: (stares in wonder) "Sobrang sakit ang magka-cramps, ah! Hindi ba masakit?"
Me: (pauses) "Hm..Okay lang."
Dad&bro: (confused stares) "Celine, ikaw ba yan?!"
My bro told me that he was going to Makati to get his driver's license (God have mercy on our souls). And that he would drop by G4 to buy me a top. My eye twitched. I had promised him last week that I would let him have his way with me for the summer. (don't get the wrong ideas, perverts!) He would change my look - wardrobe, style, hair, you name it. And I would have to follow. Or else. And so he took my measurements.
Kuya: (takes out a measuring tape) "O, let's take your vital stats, shall we?"
Me: (stands up) "Oh no..."
Kuya: "Straight body!"
Me: (straightens up)
Kuya: "Ayan...Hips..." (measures my hips) "Wow."
Me: (rolls eyes) "Oo na, malapad na yung hips ko."
Kuya: "O, waistline naman..." (measures my waist) (jaw drops)
Me: "Ano? Kumakain naman ako nang marami! Tumataba na ako!"
Kuya: "ANONG TUMATABA?! Tingnan mo nga?! 24.2 INCHES!!! ANO BA YAN?!"
Me: "Hoy, pinag-hirapan ko yang .2 na yan!"
Other than that, I was pretty much in 'empty' mode all day. My bro and I went to my grandma's place. I slept from 10am till 5pm. It was a good thing my bro woke me up when he did. Coz if he didn't pour alcohol all over my feet, I would have entered 'sleep' mode. I got up and whacked him on the head.
He showed me the top he bought and told me to put it on, to see if it fits. I was too groggy to see what it was, so I just took my shirt off, put the top on, and came out. Kuya, my grandma, our driver, and the maids took one look at me and stared. Their heads slowly tilted slightly to the side, their mouths opened a bit, and they just stared.
Me: (standing) "O, ano? Ganon ba ka-pangit?"
Them: "..."
Me: "Okay, fine..." (walks back to room)
Kuya: "Wait lang...straight body ka nga..."
Me: (sighs) (straightens up)
Them: (eyes widen)
Kuya: "OH MY GOOOODDD!!! KITAM? KITAM?! ANG GALING KO TALAGAAA!" (jumps around)
Me: (raises eyebrow) "Bakit? Bagay ba sakin?"
Kuya: (still jumping around) "SOBRA! BAGAY NA BAGAY SAYO! LALO NA YUNG KULAY!" (hugs me) "Talbog ang mga supermodel! Ang ganda-ganda talaga ng little sister ko!"
Me: "SIRA! Hindi ako maganda, noh!"
Kuya: "Anong hindi?! Guys, maganda si Celine, di ba?"
Them: (murmurs of agreement)
Me: "NOOOOO!"
I ran back into the room and looked at myself in the mirror. I wanted to see what kind of top my brother bought. And I wanted to see WHAT THE HELL made them think I was pretty in that thing. I took one glance at my reflection. The only thing that came out of my mouth was an even more earsplitting:
"AAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!"
Icequeen out.
Sunday, March 28
Mar. 28 Sun.
"Maganda ako! I release positive energy! Everybody loves me! O, Celine, repeat!" -kuya
I couldn't sleep last night. I was in 'empty' mode. There was no more sadness and loneliness, so I didn't have reason to feel sleepy. But around 4am, I kinda closed my eyes for a second, then was woken up at 4:30 by our maid. I was shaken, really, just so I could open my eyes. The thing was...I had a dream. It was embedded so deep in my mind, but I couldn't seem to remember what it was.
Being in 'empty' mode was a lot of fun, really. I felt so...free. Hollow, yes, but light. Every emotion and or situation that I would encounter, it would simply pass through me, and never sink in. I found it easier to smile and laugh, even pout (O, Sam! nag-pout na ako!). I was able to express what I felt at the moment and not care about anything else. Everybody - as in EVERYBODY - found it weird, coz nobody has ever seen me so...carefree. So impulsive. And expressive. Just to give a thought, here are some of the things I did today, that I would have NEVER done in any mode other than 'empty':
>I sang to my dad.
>I complimented my dad's outfit and made a couple of jokes about it.
>I made my dad laugh.
>I was singing and head-banging to the track of Evanescence, even though my dad and bro were right beside me.
>I made the "MWAH!" sound when I kissed my dad on the cheek as he left for work.
>I let my brother pick out my outfit for the day...dainty black shoes, black pants, and a frilly pink top. Take note: PINK TOP. PINK. Not matte rose, PINK.
>I WORE the oufit that my brother picked out.
>I attended mass in that oufit, without wearing shades.
>I went with my brother to the grocery store in that outfit, without wearing shades. (everyone who I passed by turned their heads and gave second and third glances)
>I smiled at everyone who stared at me. (which, for some reason, made their jaws drop...)
>I laughed my head off at the jokes of my brother in the car. I didn't even stifle a giggle or chuckle, I just laughed it up.
>I 'dirty' danced both alone and with my brother to the sounds of "Milkshake", "Superstar", "Let's get retarded", and "Red blooded woman".
>I carved lines from my poem "Be Happy" on my cabinet door with a utility knife, for all the world to see.
>I viewed my blog entries and didn't feel a thing.
>I agreed to have Issa shop new clothes for me.
>I let my bro put me in Friendster. (my picture was Giselle Bundchen's - a supermodel, and my occupation was 'Student/Beautyqueen/Supermodel/Goddess')
Fun, huh? Well...being empty has it's drawbacks too, you know. I could hardly feel a thing:
>I was absent-mindedly scratching my hand, then I realized that blood was trickling from it, because the scratching had opened an old wound. I had been bleeding for some time, and I didn't notice the pain at all.
>I accidentally whacked my knee against the door, and I didn't feel anything. I just noticed the bruise a while later.
>I was absent-mindedly staring at the sky. I didn't notice I was staring directly at the sun and was going blind, until my vision went...weird.
This day with kuya was particularly - and rarely - fun. We laughed our heads off with his jokes in the car, along with our driver and friend - Kuya Ricky. My bro cracked joke after joke and sang jingle after jingle about the incoming elections and the politicians. He also imitated characters from "Marina", and imitated his teacher's EXTREMELY WEIRD and EXTREMELY FUNNY attitude. We couldn't breathe even after we stepped off the car and into the house. Kuya caught me talking to myself, though. It ended up with kuya forcing me to repeat his chants of self-motivation to rid me of my negative energy. I've never stuttered so much before. I was so sure lightning would strike any moment.
Kuya: (singing, complete with actions) "J-J-J-Jamby, J-J-J-Jamby, Madrigal! Hindi iba sa 'tiiin! J-J-J-Jamby, J-J-J-Jamby, Madrigal! Chaaaange the wooorld!"
Us: (laughing our heads off)
Kuya: (in a voice very much like Miriam Defensor's) "We will WIN and REFORM this country!"
Me: (laughs my head off)
Kuya: "Pucha, kuya Ricky, nakakaasar yung...ano nga uli pangalan non?"
K.Ricky: "Sino? Si...Si Dugong?"
Kuya: (laughs his head off) "OO! YUN NGA!" (imitates Dugong)
Kuya: "Oy, Celine, alam mo ba kung pano magturo ung college prof namin?"
Me: "Hindi, pano? Terror ba?"
Kuya: "Ganto." (high-pitched croaky voice) "Mga bata...Mga baaataaa? Tayo na at magdasal. Sa ngalan ng Ama...mga bata, sundan ninyo ako. Sa ngalan ng Ama, ng Anak, at ng Ispirito Santo, Amen."
Us: (snickers)
Kuya: "Ganto pa nga ung kamay nya, eh." (raises hands and fingers as if holding an imaginary basketball) (croaky, creepy voice) "At ang sagot ay...yes, mr. estrada?" (pauses, lowers hands and head)
Us: (waits)
Kuya: (suddenly raises head and hands once more) "Oo, oo, oo! Tama nga, mr. Estrada. Oo, oo, oo...OO! Oo, oo, oo..."
Us: "Panay 'oo' naman yang prof mo!" (laugh our heads off)
Kuya: "Celine, you should be more confident! Don't lower yourself!"
Me: "Eh, kasi..."
Kuya: "Walang kasi-kasi! Dapat ganito ka: 'Maganda ako! I release positive energy! Everybody loves me!'"
Me: "Er..."
Kuya: "O, repeat. With a lot of passion! Say it!"
Me: (eyes widen) "HAH?! A-ayoko...Kuya, ok na ako, I-"
Kuya: "Sige na!"
Me: (faint, stuttering, croaky voice) "M-ma-maganda a-ako" (wince) "...I release po-positive e-energy..."
Kuya: (slaps hand to his forehead) "Susmaryosep, Celine! Ano ba yan!"
Me: "Eh...baka kidlatan kasi ako, eh..."
I had chest pains at around 8pm. I didn't know who it was, but it was deep. If I didn't know any better, I'd say it was Beija. A close friend of ours leaves for vacation - hasn't even been gone for more than a day, and we already miss her like hell. We could just imagine what she feels.
No, wait...we don't have to, haha!
Coz...Walang iwanan sa ere! WE FEEL YOU, BEIJA! And if you happen to see three dark flying creatures weaving in and out of the sky through your window...
Aswangs at your service! Hahahahahaha!
Saturday, March 27
As if you were born into a world of tears, you
always tend to look at the darker things in
life. Inside you crave attention yet push away
society, and you're a hopeless romantic. Drawn
to things like the occult and mysteries, you
spend your time daydreaming.
What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla
Angst. You are an angel of angst. Once one of
water. But your depression has caused you to
become an outcast. You love to be by yourself,
as it helps you think. You have always, and
always will wonder what has gone wrong. Your
soul has been shattered, and your wings are in
peices. But that's just you. You spend your
days searching for something. Not someone.
Though you don't know what you are looking for.
You don't even remember who you are. And are
always trying to find that person, yourself,
your soul. Which seems to have been misplaced.
But. When you find what you are looking for, it
will become clear. All tragedy will be ripped
from your wings, and your true colours will
show. And then, you are the most powerful of
them all.
Hang on, keep looking for it is there. Just try not
to loose all you hope and become nothing. For
you are truly beautiful.
What Type Of Angel Have You Become?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the Goddess of Earth. You are very stable
and dependable since the Goddesses rest apon
you. You are very materialistic. Somtime cold
and distant, but that might be because you need
to get what needs to be done, done. But yet you
are everyone elses strength. You are the most
Stable of the Goddesses, since without you the
other Goddesses would not exist.
Other Earth Goddesses: Ceres, Cerridwyn, Demeter,
Gaia, Persephone, Epona, Kore, Mah, Prithivi,
Rhea, Rhiannon
Which of the Four Elemental Goddesses are you?(With Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
You are the spirit of darkness. You prefer to be
alone, and have many insecurities about
yourself. You often think about death and our
purpose in life. You probably adore all things
goth, and are sarcastic, skeptical, and have
hidden yourself from most under a mask. You are
my kindred spirit. Go you.
What kind of spirit are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
You belong beyond the claim of all humanity. Though
here, you are emotionally dead to the world and
nothing here has any bearing on you, good or
bad. You feel nothing and are simply waiting on
the end, which will come to pass without much
change, after which you will fade into the
nothingness which you lived. If that's how you
like it, that's that. If not, change your
responses to things and maybe the world will
change with you.
Where do you belong?(ANIME IMAGES)
brought to you by Quizilla
You will be shot by a bunny with a bazooka.
How are you going to die?
brought to you by Quizilla
*Crush ko ung bunny.*
Friday, March 26
Mar. 26 Fri.
"WALANG TULUGAAAAANNN!!!" -kuya
Friday. I woke up and thought...*Hey...I woke up!* I couldn't sleep last night, and I didn't know why. After typing the poem, though, I sorta felt better...sorta.
The day started out kinda nice. I spent the morning dancing to the radio, stretching, singing, and pretty much hanging around the balcony while texting Beija. I was just looking over yonder at the morning sky, while kicking back with the soothing chirps of the local birds. It was relaxing...Until...
beija: "so, watcha doin?"
me: "Just watching the birds fly around, chirping their lungs out, chasing each other, and...wrestling each other...what the...they're...THEY'RE..."
beija: "They're...?"
me: "Good God! They're procreating! Ah, calm down, cel, it's a perfectly natural phenomenon, and...dammit, (screeches at birds) GET A BIODOME, WILL 'YA?!"
beija: *laughs hysterically*
I was a bit bummed coz I didn't get to go with my berks to big r yesterday. And a little bit of sadness goes a long way. It tends to add up to the other bits of sadness I keep locked up from the past. I relived the past pains and sufferings I had to go through in life for no apparent reason at all...and pretty soon, I had collapsed in my room, infront of the poster of Jesus on the wall.
Literally.
*Why do You let me suffer like this, God? Why do you have to make me go through all this and for no reason?! Why?! I'm not trying to test You, or blaspheme You, or anything, but...just tell me WHY!!! Just this once, God...answer me. Just this once, God...save me...*
Then, somebody texted and asked me a question.
*GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! I ask you to save me, and You do this?! You know more than anybody else what kind of dilemma I'm in, right? You know perfectly well what kind of pain I'm going through because of this blasted curse! Because of this blasted bleeding heart!*
Silence. God just held my hand.
*You...You really want me to suffer, don't You? Well...be happy, God. I'm gonna suffer hell.*
I splashed my face with water from the sink. As I looked at my reflection, I could hear Fate's incessant question:
*What will you do now, Cursed Child?*
I chose to sleep.
I'd succumb to Fate's decree, give in to the kiss of Pain and Misery, and fall asleep in the arms of Loneliness and Death, rather than cause anyone any kind of pain. Especially her.
Before I knew it, I was on the floor, tired and sleepy beyond belief, vision blurring, hearing slurring, and clutching tightly to the only thing that could give me a hug. Ally.
I have this psychosomatic disease. When I can't express what I feel, when I keep everything to myself, when I endure so much in secret for so long, my body finds a way. It shuts down. Literally. I'm so tired of everything, that my body makes it physical. I fall into a deep sleep, almost like a coma. This has only happened to me twice before. The longest I've been asleep was almost two days straight. But this time...I was sure I was never going to wake up. I won't let myself wake up.
As my vision was tunneling, my cell beeped. Three messages at the same time. I just told them that I was simply tired and wanted to sleep. They didn't buy it. I told them to just let me go. They panicked. I told them not to worry about me, and just be happy. They freaked.
*No, no, no! I didn't want it to be this way! I didn't want to hurt them! I want them to be happy, dammit! It seems that everything I do will ultimately...hurt others.*
I wanted to rest. So badly. But they wouldn't let me. If I did, they would jump after me.
ARGH!!! I'M FRIGGIN' STUCK!
*Weigh your choices, Cursed Child. You've been suffering more than they could ever imagine for such a long time. Now you have the chance to rest. You deserve it, right? But if you do, you will cause pain to them. But what's a little bit of pain to them, anyway? In a week's time, they won't even remember your name! You are just an insignificant speck to their long lives, you won't matter much in the future. They'll get over you in a snap! It will only hurt them a little. Just a little. Nothing compared to what you went through, so-*
*SHUT YOUR TRAP, FATE! I'd rather wrench my eyes open, endure life's pointless torture, even shoulder this damn curse just to spare them the least bit of pain! If falling asleep will hurt them, then I'd STAY AWAKE! Now go ahead! Make me suffer! Wreck my already wrecked life! Hurt my already tortured soul! Sige lang! Saktan mo pa ako! Kung kailangan kong magdusa sa buhay na 'to para lang mapaligaya sila, EH, DI SIGE! GAME!*
My friends - even those who I thought weren't even that concerned...contacted me. For no reason at all. I freaked out. This has never happened before. Man, something really wants me to live on. I don't know what, I don't know why. I was afraid of what bad things would happen in the future if I continued to survive. But I realized...
What matters is HERE and NOW. And here and now...I was still alive. Kept alive.
I had to wake up and stay awake. I summoned all my stregth and got to trudge to the ref in search for something that would open my half-closed eyes. I saw...coke. Perfect. Caffeine and Sugar rush. I grabbed the 1.5 litre bottle, took off the cap, and drained the whole thing. I spilled some, sure, but didn't care - I'd clean it up later. Halfway through, I realized something...People don't really pay attention to the taste of coke. It tasted like...caramel. Weird. After downing the whole thing, I slumped in a corner. *Kuya is gonna KILL ME!* He's strict about our family's health, and he hates the fact that my dad and I drink coke like water.
Kuya talked with his blocmate on the phone. They were both in Architecture, and they were chatting about the things they used to do to finish their work.
kuya: "Buti na lang, tapos na yang gabi-gabing homework, ano?"
friend: "Blahblahblah"
kuya: "Ako nga, di ako natulog nang dalawang gabi para lang dun, eh!"
friend: "blahblahBLAHBLAH"
kuya: "Uminom ka nang Lipovitan! Hahahaha! Ano nga ulit yung motto natin?"
friend: "BLAHBLAH!"
kuya: "Ah, oo! (shouts) WALANG TULUGAAAAANNNNN!!!"
me: (snaps open eyes) "Aba, isa ka pang ayaw akong patulugin, ah!"
*My reasons pulled me up.
Fate shut up.
And I...
Got up.*
*And God holds my hand still.*
Thursday, March 25
Mar. 25 Thurs.
"Basta masaya sha...masaya na rin ako, hahahaha!" -me
It's 12midnight. I can't sleep. I don't know why. And so I typed. I can't tell you who she is. I promised. Don't worry, I'll be alright. REALLY. Just know that...madrama lang talaga ako. You be the judge.
*Be Happy*
She hardly knows herself.
She was suffering a lot before...
Just like me.
Hiding from the world before...
Just like me.
Drowning silently in her own blood and tears before...
Just like me.
I wanted so badly to save her.
To be an angel for her.
To find her.
And so I tried.
I woke up everyday,
Just so I could try to save her again.
I faced the pain of life,
Just so I could try to save her again.
I almost did.
But she...
Was already saved.
By another savior.
Another angel.
Better than me,
Kinder than me,
More comfortable than me,
More suitable than me,
More...
Loving than me.
And you know what?
She was much happier.
I had to let her go.
I had to let her angel fly her away,
While I stayed behind
Drowning, still drowning,
In the deep sea of my emptiness.
She deserved to be happy.
I did all that I could,
Just to make her happy.
Just to make her stay happy.
Just to stop her from looking back
Just to stop her from coming back -
To rescue me.
I denied to death.
I laughed to death.
But deep inside,
I cried to death.
I bled to death.
And I died.
I don't want her to suffer
In any way at all.
I'd rather pretend to be alright
Suffer the torture of life
Than cause pain to her.
She's too good for that.
Too beautiful.
Too kind.
Too loving.
Too...
Precious.
Especially for me.
I don't want her to blame herself
For the pain that I go through.
I don't want her to feel bad
For the pain that I caused.
And so I watched her
Get pulled out from the dark,
And get taken by the hand,
And flown to the heavens
By this beautiful angel
Who loved her so very much.
Countless times,
She would look back,
Back to where I was.
Still concerned for me,
Still trying to save me.
And countless times,
I would look up,
Shove Pain and Misery out of the way
And smile at her,
Wave to her,
Reassure her that I was alright.
I thought:
I would rather suffer here,
And watch you get saved,
Than to have you stay with me
And drown in this pointless misery -
When you could be up in the heavens
With your angel so kind and loving.
And so she flew.
I was so happy for her.
You were meant to be saved.
You were meant to be loved.
Both of you.
And as for me?
I'm still here,
Drowning in my tears and blood,
Living this life of torture,
Watching everyone I love
Get saved and flown away,
Watching you,
Praying for you,
And whispering,
Constantly whispering...
I love you.
Be happy.
Sunday, March 21
Mar. 21 Sun.
"You're a little late, I'm already torn...torn..."
-Natalie I.
Sunday. Pretty much like Saturday. Different mall, same torture. Although...today was special. My curse manifested itself. Full power.
First of all, I woke up to yet another nightmare. I looked at my watch. 12:30am. Great. I held my head in my hands. I closed my eyes. And...
I saw his face.
I snapped open my eyes. *No, no, no...he's gone forever!* My old wounds...wounds that I thought I mended, burst open with a fresh wave of excruciating memories of a semi-forgotten past.
*I'm sorry...I'm sorry...im so very sorry...It's all my fault...*
I could still hear his voice...
Still smell his perfume...
Still feel him...
Still...remember...him.
Still remember what I did to him...what I made him do...
*God! I thought he was dead?! Gone forever! And now, you make me think he's still alive? Haven't I suffered enough?!*
I didn't want to go back to sleep. I didn't want to see, to feel, to remember. I just...for once...didn't want to hurt anymore. I curled up into a ball on my bed, and stayed awake until dawn. We went to mass, and then we were off to another bonding time/killing session.
After going to the salon (don't ask), my bro and I went to the internet cafe. I was practically bouncing with excitement that I would finally be able to read their blogs! Wahooo! I viewed the blogs, and noticed a theme going on...they...they were all...saved. They were all saved! They all had their saviors and angels, and they were all being found and pulled, and saved! I was so happy! So very happy for them!
I was wearing my shades the whole time. Laughing all the while. I was so relieved that the curse hurt me, not them. Killed me, not them. They were loved, now, and nothing is better, or more beautiful, or more wondrous than that.
*Nainggit ako...*
But I...I was never meant to be loved. I'll never be saved. That's how its always been. That's how its supposed to be. Nothing can change that. It's true, you know. My life is proof enough. (march 19 entry) I've accepted that a long time ago.
But someone didn't want to accept it.
(Iris plays bgm in internet cafe)
*Please let me go... I'm so tired, already...*
I smiled at the thought of them being pulled out of their dark corners, and flown to a better place. I stood in the way of Fate's arrow, after all. I smiled.
*Now I can go happy.*
But, texts and phone calls from Beija, Ate Sop and Joselle kept me. Weird.
me: (slipping)
Josie: (calls me on my phone) "La lang, nami-miss ko lang yung embrace mo. Wag kang mawawala, ha?"
me: (closes eyes)
me: (slipping)
ate Sop: "Musta ka na, cel? Ok ka lang?"
me: (closes eyes)
me: (slipping)
beija: (calls me on my phone) "GROWEE, STOP. DON'T DO IT. ARE YOU CRAZY?! WAIT...YOU ARE...ANYWAY, IF YOU JUMP, I'LL JUMP AFTER YOU, SOP WILL JUMP AFTER ME, AND LALAINE WILL JUMP AFTER SOP, GETS?"
me: (laughs manically, regardless of the fact that I was in a car with my bro and dad, and they were killing me) "You know, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, and not even remember any of this."
beija: "ITS NOT A DREAM!"
Beija wanted to call me at my lola's place, but my kuya was using the phone. When he was done, Beija had to go to the salon. When we both got home, Beija's brother beat her to the landline. Damn. I told you Fate was a jerk.
At Lola's place, we ate dinner. KFC. Yum. I sat down for five seconds, FIVE SECONDS, and...was immediately killed. By my dad, bro, aunt, and lola. They ganged up on me in those wee seconds. They said so many bad things about me, and it felt like being scourged. But you know what? Instead of just sitting still and taking it all in like I used to countless times before, I did something different.
I laughed.
I laughed my head off. I excused myself, stood up, and walked out on a killing session. For the 1st time in my life. They were stunned. Their insults ceased, as they watched me walk away, while I was laughing so happily. My dad was able to say: "Hoy...Saan ka pupunta...?" Honestly, I didn't really know. Until...
*toot-toot! toot-toot!*
"May nag-text po kasi, sakin, dad."
Hehe. It was Beija. I told her how downright funny, ridiculous and pathetic they all were. They were stabbing, shooting, and slashing at me, and expecting it to hurt me...
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Didn't they know?! I'm ALREADY DEAD! They're torturing a dead girl! Hahahahahaha! How stupid is that?!
I fell asleep to the thoughts of being called 'Sister Gegel'...*shudders* Well, 'sis' is much better. Hehe.
I also fell asleep to the song of Torn resonating in my mind, mixing with the story of Hakkai from gensomaden saiyuki...something about his girlfriend killing herself for him, because of him, because of her LOVE for him... I couldn't take it. It was all too familiar...
*I'm sorry for making you sad...for making you jump...for making you destroy your own beautiful life all because of me...I'm so very sorry. If you ARE still alive, then I hope you're happy without me, without the memory of me. But if you're trying to come back to me and try to save me like you promised you would, then...
*You're a little late, I'm already torn...torn..*
Icequeen out.
Saturday, March 20
Mar. 20 Sat.
"P*&^%g Ina talaga sila!!!"
-a really pissed off youkai
Saturday. Supposed to be a day of tranquil recollection and relaxation. But no. No no no. Not for the Cursed Child. Bonding time with my dad, bro, and tita at the mall. An afternoon of shopping, fitting clothes, watching movies, and going to the salon...translation? Two words:
Killing Session.
My bro and tita made me go to these really ditzy and stylish shops and used me as their doll. They picked clothing after clothing from the shelves, and stacked them up in my arms, then pushed me into the dressing room. I tried, you know. I really did.
Saturday-
kuya: "Eto, o, maganda!" (holds up a pink top)
me: "But it's PINK! I don't like pink."
kuya&tita: "Anong pink?! It's MATTE ROSE!"
me: "Kuya, wala bang black na damit dit-"
kuya: "Hinde. Bawal ang black sayo. Panget. Panget ang itsura mo. Magmumukha kang ewan."
tita: "Oo nga. Ang itim mo na nga, mag ba-black ka pa?! Sus! Asan ang fashion sense mo?!"
me: (stands still) (bites tongue)
kuya&tita: "Pa black-black ka pa, di naman bagay sayo!"
me: (dies)
kuya: "Ano, ba, Celine! Labas ka na jan! Tingnan na namin ung itsura mo!"
me: (comes out of dressing room in new outfit they picked for me)
everyone: (pause) (stare) (raises eyebrows)
me: (lowers gaze) (lets hair fall into my face)
kuya: "Celine, ano ba!" (flicks hair out of my face) "Ayusin mo nga yang buhok mo! Andungis tuloy ng itsura mo!"
tita: "At iderestso mo yang likod mo!" (manually straightens my back)
salesladies & customers: (snickering)
me: (locks my jaw)
kuya: "O, maglakad ka nga sa store, para makita namin ung itsura mo..."
me: (eyes widen) "A-Ayoko..."
tita&kuya: "SIGE NA! NOW!"
me: (walks around)
kuya: "O, smile ka naman!"
me: (tries to smile)
kuya: "Sabi ko SMILE, hidi ngiting aso!"
me: (dies)
4 of us: (walking through the mall)
dad: "O, anong nabili nyo para kay Celine?"
kuya: (opens bag) "Eto po, dad. Blue spag strap top."
dad: (looks at the top) "Heh." (throws it back in the bag) "Mabuti hindi itim, magmumukha ka nanamang payatot."
3 of them: (laughs)
me: (grits teeth)
kuya: (looks at me from head to toe) "Oo nga, Celine! Para ka nang patpat, talaga. Magpataba ka naman!"
me: (lowers gaze)
tita: (sneers) "Oo nga! Nakakatakot na yung itsura mo! You're all skin and bones!" (cackles)
me: (clenches fist)
dad: (looks at me) "Ang payat-payat mo na nga, ang hina-hina mo pa!" (holds my chin up) "Pag hindi ka pa tumaba, OSPITAL ANG BAGSAK MO. UNDERSTAND?!" (lets go of my chin)
me: (dies) "yes, dad."
all 4 of us: (resume walking)
tita: (clutching my arm) (looks at me) "Wag kang naka busangot!"
me: ...
tita: "O, ba't lulugo-lugo ka?"
me: (trembles with rage) (low monotone) "Hindi po ako lulugo-lugo!"
4 of us: (in cinema, watching hidalgo)
3 of them: (enjoying the movie)
me: (wearing shades) (embracing myself)
3 of them: "Ano ba, Celine! Tanggalin mo nga yan! Mukha kang gago!"
me: (dies)
Beija and Ate Sop sensed me.
When I told Beija what was going on, she was...really...angry. She took it harder than I did. She was about to come over and tell them off. Hehe. It made me feel better, though. I wasn't alone like in the former killing sessions. Made me more confident, really:
4 of us: (eating at hotshots)
3 of them: (bombarding me with insults)
me: (absorbing all they say) (about to throw up my burger) (about to explode)
phone: *toot-toot! toot-toot!*
all: (pause)
me: (reads message)
message: "cel...cel, what's wrong?"
me: (shocked) "Woah..." (texts whats happening)
beija: "P*&^%n Ina nila! Damn it!!! I wanna kill them!"
me: (laughs my head off)
everyone in resto: (throws disgusted looks at me)
me: (not giving a damn...for once) (continues to laugh manically)
Even if I'm used to all that constant pain and torture...
Thanks, man. I really needed that.
Friday, March 19
Mar 19, Fri.
"I was never meant to be loved..."
-Dr. Dolittle2
Why was I sad? Why was I so depressed? Well, for the same reason for the March 11 and 13 entries.
I'm telling you. Fate might be a straight-up jerk...but he's a downright genius. He's a sadist, alright. But I have to admit, he's really smart.
Imagine this: I am the Cursed Child. Someone who is forced to suffer a life of misery, pain, and despair for no apparent reason. Twisted family, twisted school, twisted friends, twisted self, twisted past, twisted life. I am not like other people. I'm a mistake. A flaw. A glitch in this system called existence. I am not allowed to love or fall in love, and others cannot love or fall in love with me either. Why? Because its just...not meant to be. It's either I suffer, or the other person suffers. Either I die, or the other person dies. My love hurts and kills. It's always been like that. It's how its supposed to be. For 10 times in a row. For 15 years. Beat that.
Any other person with this kind of situation would learn their lesson and give up on love completely. But no. You see, I was also born with an abnormally excessively loving and compassionate heart. I reach out to others who are hurting, and I feel for them. I'd be there for them. I save them. I fall for them. I would hope against hope that the curse would be lifted, but no. They always end up getting hurt in so many different ways. May it be with their family, friends, or life, they just get hurt. And they always end up hating me, and regretting to have even met me in the first place. So I try to learn my lesson, and inch away from others who get close. For their sake. Their lives would be so much better without me in it. Someone gets close, I help them, but move away. I get close to someone, I knock some sense into myself by inflicting pain and reliving my horrid past. It's a good system, and I'm actually starting to get used to the depression. I don't feel so sad or hurt anymore, I just feel...empty. But hey, empty's way better than hurting others and killing myself over and over, right?
Right.
But of course, the balance of nature is lost. The Cursed Child is not suffering as much as she should. Something must be done to regain balance. So, here comes Fate. He puts me in a situation wherein I meet someone who understands me, and viceversa. Someone who saves me, and viceversa. Someone who is almost exactly JUST LIKE ME.
The inevitable happens. The Cursed Child loves once more. There was so much happiness, love, and good memories in this friendship. I didn't notice I was getting too close. I was too happy, too thankful, too hopeful, too found, too saved, too...loved. Until one day...
CRASH. *tinkle, tinkle*
A new truth is revealed about the person loving another. Being saved by another. Being found by another. Being a whole lot happier without me. There goes the Cursed Child. Once again. I died for the nth time. The pain was unbearable, and I died.
But no.
Fate is not satisfied. Needs more...pain. And despair...with a lot more anguish. Fate makes it so that I am pulled countless times, so that I can't escape this pain. And he makes it so that a select few can sense me. And the person can feel my pain. Tries so hard to figure out what the problem is. Who is causing me so much pain. In the process, gets close to me...so close...too close.
Fate laughs heartily. What will you do now, Cursed Child? If you confess the truth, you will surely destroy the person's happiness! You will be hated and deserted like so many times before. But what's worse, is that you'll be hurting the person! Nothing makes you suffer more than that! And if you keep it to yourself, and pretend to be happy, the person will still feel your hidden pain! You cannot tell the truth, because your love for the person IS the reason for your pain! No matter how much you try to push yourself away, the person will try to get closer, try to help you, try to save you, heck, even LOVE you! And you know what that means, don't you?
Fate laughs even more. Yes. The person will suffer and die because of this love associated with you. But you...care too much to let that happen. You LOVE too much to let that happen! You'd rather shoulder the curse than let others get hurt because of you! More pain! More suffering! More anguish! More despair for the Cursed Child! You will do this over and over and over again all your life. You can't escape it, because you are constantly pulled from the edge. Either way, you'll suffer like HELL! You are too easy to manipulate, Cursed Child. Too easy. Why? Because you love too much.
He's right.
So, now you can imagine. What I have to go through when I love.
This is how its always been. This is how its supposed to be. I was never meant to be saved. I was never meant to be loved. I've accepted that.
So, if you think your life's shitty, if you think love hurts, if you think you got it bad, well...read it one more time, and think again.
Icequeen out.
Mar. 19 Fri.
"God listens...as if He has anything better to do..."
-me
Friday. The last Friday of this schoolyear. Three last tests, one last day, one last time. As I was answering through the Statistics test, my mind was happily frolicking about. Memories from the schoolyear flashed in my mind. Good ones, bad ones, and ones that will...stay with me for the rest of my life. The only problem was, every time I would remember something funny about the year, I would pause, stare straight ahead, then involuntarily smile or laugh...which made my seatmates inch away from me ever so slowly. I especially laughed at the memories about the fair and dance night. I kept on replaying the way my friends and I danced - no matter how ridiculous we looked - and the way guys kept on trying to get close to my friends, and I would growl at them, and they would inch away ever so slowly. Hehe. *I'm really gonna miss this year...*
After the tests, I dressed up for Mikee's party. I waited with the Trios, Cheska, Camille, and Jenny for Mikee's dad to fetch us. Inside the car, we had to sardine ourselves just to fit. Jenny sat on my lap, and pretty much crushed the lifeforce outta my system. I think she had it worse, though...I mean, she WAS sitting on a pile of bones. Getting out of the car was hard. I felt like a squished accordion. I couldn't breathe and my stomach (if possible) got more flattened.
But hey, I was coughing up blood! Cool!
The place was awesome! An antique resthouse garden...thingy. Anyway, the pad was cool, and the weather was just right. Windy. Overcast. Nice. Although...I kinda noticed a not-so-wholesome theme going on in the place...oh, well, at least we got to find ways on how to make it funny. Hahaha! They all forced me into eating more than one serving...torture, man. They were happily assimilating food and getting seconds and thirds, while I was poking the scattered corn and carrots on my plate. They all made it a point to keep an eye on me and make me eat no matter what. Hehe. It was fun, really. I kinda regret not bringing my swimsuit and swim around with the rest of them. But then I figured, I'd DIE if they all saw me in my suit. And besides, sitting all alone on the balcony and contemplating my "life" while watching them all have fun behind my shades was kinda...ok. Halfway through contemplating, though, ate Sop showed up and hung around with me. We just watched them wackoes do flips, kicks, dives, and stunts and laughing all the while. Although, I kept on shouting and screaming when they tried to do really dangerous stunts. *Man, don't make my nightmares come to life! I ain't gonna lose my reasons!* I kept on sitting, standing, and teetering dangerously on the balcony ledges and roof tiles. *I wanted to fly.* For once...just for a fleeting second...to be free of this pointless suffering that just won't end. And every time, every SINGLE time I was really gonna jump, something would happen. Something unexpected, something almost...extraordinarily ordinary.
A 'careful, hija, you might fall!' from Mikee's mom, a tight grip around the wrist from Ate Sop, a sudden hug from Ate Lalaine, a holler of 'I LOVE YOU, CELINE!' from Mikee, a high-five from Quennie, a 'kumain ka, Celine!' from Cheska, a missed call from Beija, and a 'Growee, give me your shades' from practically...everybody.
*Man...this pulling-Celine-from-the-edge thing is beginning to be a full time job for everyone!* I kept on wearing my shades, but they kept on taking them away! Mikee even went as far as to say...something...about my shades that made me never want to wear them again. Hehe. I still did, though, after we left and said our goodbyes. I only wish I had met Ate Sop and Ate Lalaine way before. But hey, I'm thankful that I even met them in the first place. Along with Mikee, Beija, and my other reasons, I'm very thankful. *God IS merciful...even to the Cursed Child.*
I pleaded to the gorgeously feiry crimson sunset:
*Just...Please...Let them be happy. Don't let them get hurt. If they are to get hurt or killed because of me, ako na lang, Lord. Ako na lang.*
me: (sitting all alone on the balcony) (looks up to the sky) "Take me now, God... Now that they're all happy, and I'm all alone...Please..." (closes eyes behind shades)
*wind blows*
*sun hides behind clouds*
*sparrows circle overhead*
*dried leaves slice through the air*
me: (hugs knees) "Give me a sign, God...what I'm supposed to do...I'll listen..."
*cell phone alarms*
reminder: "5pm. Die. Just do it."
me: (smiles) "Well, that's direct...Well...here goes..." (gets up) (walks towards the ledge) (spreads arms wide open)
*wind blows through my hair*
me: (closes eyes) (smiles)
then...
*tenenenenenen, tenenenen-tenen, tenenenenenenen, ten!*
-phone rings
me: (raises eyebrow) (looks at phone in right hand) "what the..."
phone: "1 missed call. Beija R."
...
me: *lives on*
*You're wrong, beija. Im not the saint, you are.*
Icequeen out.
Saturday, March 13
Mar. 13 Sat.
"Pink cards are not real...they're just...really creepy."
-4 crazy people
Friday. We had our club's culminating activity in the field during lunchtime. Approximately 30 minutes of eating, chatting, and serious laughing.
Bea H: "Ate Celine...Is that still your 1st slice?"
Me: "Um...yeah."
Everyone: "No way!"
Beija: "What?! (looks at own slice) I'm on my 4th!"
Camille: "I'm down to my 6th."
Me: "WHAT?!"
Beija: (looks at my older bro's picture) "I have to agree with Issa, though...Your brother IS good looking."
Issa: "Told 'ya!"
Me: "Heh. Well, I don't. All the girls think he's good looking...and...(pause) all the guys think so too."
Kyra & Beija: (spits out their juice)
Everyone: (rolls on the grass) HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!
During clubtime, we were all supposed to clean up our rooms. But we pretty much ended up sitting along the 2nd yr locker area corridor and having fun. They were all talking about...stuff...that endangered my moral values. So to drown out the words, I just reopened my wound on my middle finger and watch the blood drip out of it. Earlier in the morning, I shattered a pencil in my right hand and didn't even notice the deep bleeding gash it left on my finger. Blood was seeping out of it. Bright crimson. There was no pain...only bleeding. *Is this an omen?*
Anyway, I dressed up for the legacy and evaded people's stares by putting on my shades. I don't know why, but when I wear them, I feel more confident...coz it feels like I'm wearing some sort of disguise - and I could do anything I want and not have to feel so insecure, coz nobody would know it was me.
But people still noticed. Man, did they notice. I trudged a couple of steps from my bus, then was greeted by hollers of "OH MY GOD! ITS CELINE!" I instinctively covered myself with a nearby street sign. Jenny, Beija, Les, Mikee, and I chatted at the volleyball court while wating for the legacy concert to begin.
The concert was cool. Perfomances by the 4th years, Sugarfree, Acafellas, and Hyperbeat. I wore my shades for the better part of the night...due to...reasons incomprehensible. Anyway, I was feeling EXTREMELY HAPPY that night, so I decided to pour out my supressed bad feelings via...dancing. Why dancing? Well, I can't inflict pain on myself anymore coz of the promise, and splurging didn't seem like a good idea coz the food prices were kinda high. So I dragged my pals out on to the moshpit and pretty much...moshed. For two hours straight. I ate no food, had no rest, and danced/jumped/screamed for all I was worth. *Where was all this energy coming from?* I guessed it came from the supressed emotions, expressed by none other than...The Other! Hahahaha! I was dancing like a lunatic, and everyone noticed. But I didn't care. Just this once...I didn't want to care.
Me: (dancing)
Steph: "Ano ba yan, Celine! Natatakot na ako sa 'yo!"
Me: (dancing)
Kyra: "Oh my GOD, Ate!"
Me: (dancing)
Myka: "Yaaak! Anglaswa mo sumayaw!"
Me: (dancing)
Anne: "Wow, Celine...Hyper ka talaga, noh?"
Me: (dancing)
Giselle: "Grabe, Celine! Iba ka talaga! Ngayon lang kitang nakitang ganyan sumayaw!"
Me: (dancing)
Sam: "ATE! IS THAT YOU?!"
Me: (dancing)
Some guy: "Woah...Pare, talo pa nya 'ko sa pag he-headbang at pagtatatalon!"
Me: (dancing)
Nica: "Oh my God, Celine...gusto mo ng 'pole'?"
Me: (dancing)
WB lot: "Is that...Is that CELINE?! OH MY GOD! SHE'S POSSESSED!!!"
Think it was surprising? Weird? Pathetic? Disgusting? Well...*TRY POURING OUT 15 YEARS OF SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS THROUGH DANCING, THEN!*
After the legacy, we went straight to Ate Sop's place.
Ate Sop: "Hey, Cel...take off your shades. Wag kang magtago sa 'min."
Ate Lalaine: "Oo nga."
Me: (takes off shades) "Ok."
Beija: "Haha. Therapy Night begins...(looks at watch)... or rather...Therapy Morning!"
We chatted about everything and nothing...even about Ally...they couldn't even show mercy for an inanimate stuffed frog. Ate Lalaine videocamed it all. We were having so much fun. At around 3am, Les and Angela went to bed, and we just viewed the blog entries. I was sleeping while they read my entry...damn. I should have stayed awake longer. I didn't think they would REALLY read it. Crap. Now I have infected them with my negativity and depression. And this is supposed to be a happy night. Nuts. *Great, Celine. Just great. Another excellent evening wrecked by your stupidity. Bravo.* They kept on pressing about it, but I promised not to tell. I kept on repeating over and over: "Ano ba kayo, I'm happy! Look, I'm smiling! I'm laughing my head off! NYAHAHAHAHA!" But they didn't buy any of it. Bulls#*t daw. *Dang, does anything escape these people? And I thought my disguise was perfect...Ok. I have to make a barrier.* But the barrier didn't work either. They kept on absorbing and sharing my pain. *No way. I won't let them experience even an ounce of what I'm going through.* So I tried my new technique that I was practicing on for a couple of weeks now. The 3 snaps. I snap my fingers thrice, and I cut the connection and take back my pain. It worked, but not for long. I took back the pain they were sensing from me, but they kept on taking it back again. *Do these people really care that much?* I guess they do.
I got to share some simple yet deep points to ponder.
"Ayokong tumakbo...kasi ayokong madapa."
"I like my hands cold...so I can feel the warmth of others."
At some point, Ate Lalaine brought out these CardCaptor Sakura Tarot cards and 'read' for us. During my reading, all I could say was..."Um...uh...I don't believe in this kind of thing...But...Ah...PINK CARDS ARE NOT REAL!!!" Maybe they aren't. But they came pretty close to the truth, though. Too close. *family problems, a past you're trying to forget, Jealousy...jealousy...* It was a good thing...Fate intervened! Hahahaha! Ate Lalaine forgot to read the last card - the one that would determine my overall person. Hehehe...*Looks like God doesn't want me to reveal my true self to the world, yet.* After Ate Sop, Ate Lalaine, and Beija's readings were done, Ate Lalaine took out her newly-charged videocam. She recorded everything. But when it came to the point when they all persuaded me to tell them about *something* in my past, and I actually AGREED to tell them...the videocam died. Mysteriously ran out of battery. *I guess this is really not the proper time to reveal myself to the world...* And after that, at exactly 5am, my cel alarmed. I read aloud the reminder: "Bid farewell, and kill self." *Perfect.* They all scrambled to snatch my phone and shades and tell me off. In all the fuss, I was able to distract them with the time. So we turned in at around 6am. I dunno about them, but I slept for roughly an hour. When my dad called up at 7:45, I got up and went to prepare my stuff. I took one last look at them. They were all sleeping. So soundly. So peaceful. This is one of the reasons why I like being an insomniac. I get to wake up when everyone is asleep, and I would just watch over them. *Ah, the simple things..* As I was reaching for the doorknob, I whispered the two words to them all. I took one last look at them sleeping, and promised:
*I swear. I'll protect them. Whatever happens, I'll save them. Do you hear me, Fate? If you even try to shoot any one of them with your damn arrows like you did in my dream, I'll shoot your arrows down with my own. And if I run out of arrows, I'll stand in the way of yours. And if you root me to the spot, I'll...I'll...I'll make myself fall in love with you and kiss you on the mouth. If that doesn't kill you, NOTHING WILL.*
As I opened the door, I rubbed my eye and thought: "God...ang layo pa nang 8pm...Man, I need my shades."
*They were so happy...*
I rushed down the stairs as quietly as I could, my heart(whats left of it) aching. I crashed on the couch and let my fears, sadness, loneliness, and despair wash over me. But then, somebody was hurriedly coming down the stairs. I quickly dried my eyes and saw...Ate sop.
*You're wrong, ate sop. I'm not the angel, you are.*
Ate Sop: "O, here's your shades. Wag mong sinusuot yan kung gabi, ok?"
Me: (pauses) "Hehe...well, umaga naman ngayon, diba?" (puts on shades)
Ate Sop: "Haay, nako Celine."
*I'm happy...*
*As long as my reasons are happy.*
Icequeen out.
Mar. 13 Sat.
"So...NOW does it hurt?" -The Other
2ND WARNING: If you are happy and want to STAY happy, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
Masyado siyang masaya.
Masyado.
Palagi silang magkasama.
At ako naman, laging nakatunganga.
Masakit.
Ngunit tumawa na lang ako.
Dati, malungkot siya. Naliligaw. Nasaktan nang lubusan. Nagdurusa nang walang dahilan. Nagkukunwari. Nagtatago sa mundo...
Kagaya ko.
Nais ko sanang iligtas siya. Damputin siya galing sa space kung saan palutang-lutang lang siya. Hilain siya palayo sa bangin. Sagipin siya sa pagkakalunod. Pagalingin ang mga sugat niya. Iangat siya mula sa kanyang pagdurusa.
Nais ko siyang mahanap.
Kaya lang...
Nahanap na pala siya nang iba.
At mas masaya siya.
Masakit.
Ngunit tumawa na lang ako.
Bakit ba, Panginoon?
Bakit ako ganito magmahal?
Lagi na lang nasasaktan,
Lagi na lang namamatay,
At lagi na lang tinatago?
Bakit?
Nakikisama na lang ako sa kanya.
Nakiki-biro.
Nakikiride-on.
Nakiki-tawa...
Dahil ayoko siyang maging malungkot.
Nilalakasan ko ang mga tawa ko, ginagandahan ang mga biro, nilalakihan ang ngiti.
Ngunit ako'y lumuluha ng dugo sa likod ng shades ko.
Masakit.
Ngunit tumawa na lang ako...
At sumayaw.
Nilabas ko ang lahat ng sama nang loob sa pagsasayaw nung legacy.
Tuloy, para akong sinapian nang kung anong maligno -
Nagsasasayaw, nagtatatalon, nagsisisigaw na parang wala nang kinabukasan.
Wala na akong pakielam kung anong itsura ko.
Basta ilalabas ko itong lahat.
Walang pakielam, walang iniisip, walang pagod, walang humpay na pagsasayaw.
Sige lang nang sige.
Hanggang matapos ang gabi.
Ngunit, hindi pa rin nawawala ang sakit.
Kung tutuosin, nadagdagan pa.
Kasi...
Kahit gaano ang pagpapanggap ko, nakikita pa rin niya ako. Nahahalata pa rin niya ang nakabaon na kalungkutan ko. Pati nga ang Trios na-sense din ako.
Ano ba yan.
Delikado na 'to.
Gusto ko sanang lumayo nang unti-unti sa kanya, para hindi ko na siya maaapektohan ng aking negatibong enerhiya. Para tuluyan na siyang maging masaya. Para tuluyan na akong mamatay na hindi niya nahahalata.
Ngunit, siya naman ang lumalapit.
Sinusubukan niyang alamin kung bakit ako malungkot, kahit tinatakpan ko na ito nang mga tawa. Sinusubukan niyang damahin ang pagdurusa ko. Sinusubukan niyang malaman kung sino ang dahilan ng kalungkutan ko.
Paano ko naman sasabihin sa kanya?
Kung SIYA mismo ang dahilan?
Palalabuin ko nanaman ang malinaw na mundo niya.
Sisirain ko nanaman ang napakagandang kaligayahan niya.
Hindi ko 'yon magagawa.
Tatalon muna ako.
Kaya pinagpilitan ko pa rin sa kanya na masaya ako. Na wala lang 'yon. Na masaya ako para sa kanya. Para sa kanila. Para sa kanilang lahat. Nilunok ko na lamang ang mga luha't dugo ko.
Masakit.
Ngunit tumawa na lang ako.
Mas gugustuhin ko na ako na lamang ang magdusa kaysa siya.
Bakit?
Kasi ganun ako magmahal.
Wirdo ko, noh?
Thursday, March 11
Mar. 11 Thursday
"HAHAHAHAHA!!! SEE?! You truly ARE pathetic, cursed child!" -The Other
WARNING: If you are happy and want to STAY happy, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
It's official.
Totoo na talaga 'to.
Tama nga ang sinabi nang dati kong bestfriend na pumatay sa 'kin...
Wala akong kaligayahaan sa mundo. Wala.
Tama pala ang mamamatay-tao.
Nakita ko silang nagtatawanan. Nakita ko silang nagkakanchawan. Nakita ko silang nagbubulungan. Nakita ko silang nakwekwentuhan. Nakita ko silang masaya.
Nainggit ako.
Nalungkot ako.
Ngunit...
Napatawa ako.
Sobrang lakas.
Feel na feel ko ang tawa ko.
Halakhak.
Na may kasamang luha.
Kasi...
Namamatay nanaman ako.
Kaya ayaw sa 'kin nang mga tao, eh. Masyado akong sensitibo at negatibo. Masyadong seryoso. Masyadong magmahal. Masyadong...
Nakakaawa. Kaawa-awa. Pathetic.
Bakit kung masaya ang mga tao, malungkot ako? Diba dapat maging masaya ako para sa kanila? Kahit na lahat ng mga biyayang hiniling ko sa Diyos sa kanila napunta, dapat maging masaya pa rin ako. Dahil masaya sila.
Ganun dapat.
Nakakatawa.
Sa kadami-daming mga taong minahal ko nang lubusan, walang natira. May isang nagpakamatay, may isang nagka-amnesia, ang iba ay kinalimutan ako, at ang mga natitira ay nagsisising nakilala ako. Nagsisising minahal ako.
Nagsisi.
Talagang nakakatawa.
Eh, ako naman, di mapigilan ang sarili. Nagmahal nanaman.
Namatay nanaman.
Nawala ko na siya bago ko pa siya nakuha.
Angsaya-saya niya. Sobra. Di ko ma-take.
Tunganga lang ako sa isang tabi. Mas masaya kasi siya kung wala ako...
Masaya ako para sa kanya. Para sa kanila. Sa kanilang lahat.
Kahit unti-unti akong namamatay sa isang sulok...
Ok lang. Wag na lang akong magpahalata.
Baka mahawaan ko pa sila nang negatibong enerhiya ko.
Lulunukin ko na lang ang mga luha't dugo.
Ganito naman ako kahit dati pa.
Sanayan na lang.
Nakakatawa, noh?
Hahahahahahaha.
Wednesday, March 10
Mar. 10 Wednesday
"What? Eating is the most beautiful thing in the world!" -Gsel
Today was just really hot. No, don't get the wrong ideas (like I did). The sun was mercilessly bearing down on us for the whole day - especially during PE. I pretty much got countless lectures about food and eating from so many people. Funny, I don't like it that much. I just...don't see the point. Hehehe. The English test was a breeze, really - which is a big surprise, considering I fell asleep right before I got to study for it. Luckily, I woke up at around 3:45am from another nightmare, and got to study a bit. I went home clutching my side. It was throbbing with pain, coz Maika accidentally knocked her knee against my ribs while trying to sit down at dismissal...I pretty much doubled over with the pain. Speaking of pain and food...
Last night was...terrible. So many things happened in a span of 1 hour. I checked the new blog entries, and one of them made me think I hurt someone again. I thought I made her relive the worst memories in her life. There was a voice screaming in my head: "IDIOT! BASTARD! STUPID CURSED CHILD!!! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'VE KILLED HER! YOU'VE KILLED HER!!!!!!" My nerves were crackling. My skin was tingling. And my heart...well, what's left of it, that is,...shattered. Then melted. Then seeped into the gutter. The all too familiar feeling of all the suppressed, mixed, and compressed emotions I tried to hide just welled up in me. *What have I done...?* Without even noticing it, I raised my right hand and retracted it. *What have I done?!* I let my emotions slice up my insides before throwing all my strength into my fist and thrust it head-on to the corner edge of the wall. But then...*memories of a promise made not so long ago*...
My hand stopped in midair. My knuckles were a few milimeters from the wood...*I don't know why, but that promise holds a lot of power behind it.* I opened my hand and just...patted the wall. *pat, pat.* Ok. I'll keep my promise. But that didn't take the rotting feeling away. I couln't cry, coz my dad was already home. Must find another outlet...must find outlet...suddenly, the thought hit me. I stood up in a flash, didn't really mind the fact that my head grazed the edge of the computer stand, then shouted: "DADDY! DADDY, GUTOM NA 'KO! KAIN NA TAYO!" My dad just stared. So I took my shades, put them on, skipped down to the dining room, pulled out my chair and said: "Ate! Ate, asan na yung kanin? Gutom na gutom na ako!" She just stared at me while holding the bowl of rice. When the food was set, I just...lost it. I completely lost it. I was shovelling mounds and mounds of rice, steak, and corned beef into my mouth, moving my teeth up and down a few times, then swallowed. I repeated the process again and again, thinking: *For every drop of tear that you want to shed, and for every ounce of pain you want to inflict upon yourself...ISANG SUBO.* My dad and our helpers just watched me with stunned faces and half-open mouths. My dad didn't even make any comment on the fact that I was wearing shades in the house at 7pm. I kept on remembering the times I hurt so the ones I loved, the ones I cared for...and now her. *I didn't just hurt her...I killed her! How could I do such a thing? How?!* There were times that I wanted to break down in tears or just bang my head onto my plate over and over again...but then I just thought: *Naiiyak ka? O, isang subo. Gusto mong sumigaw? O, isa pang subo. Gusto mong sumuntok nang pader? O, isa pang dosenang subo!* Before I knew it, I had finished about two bowls of rice, half a plate of corned beef, and a whole plate of steak in 10 minutes. I downed a whole glass of milo in 3 seconds, and I leaned back to behold the aftermath. I didn't lean back for long, though...I had to run to the sink, coz I nearly threw up.
I trudged back into my room, shut the door, turned up the radio, and...despaired. That's the word. Despair. I grabbed good 'ol glittering Wilcor the utility knife. I flicked out the blade. I was pacing back and forth across my room with a knife in my hand, reliving the worst memories in MY past. After so much pacing, I slumped against the wall and sank down to the cool floor. *Why do I do this?! HOW can I do this?! God, WHY DO YOU LET ME DO THIS TO OTHERS?! Why...why...why...* I looked at myself in my dresser mirror. *Who are you? WHAT are you? You claim to want to help and heal others, and yet you kill them. Haven't you done enough?* I wanted to break the mirror, and kill that creature who hurts others. I pressed my hands against the glass, expecting the glass to shatter in my hands. But it didn't. It bent. I lowered my hands and my gaze. Countless times, I wanted to plunge the blade between my ribs, but it would just stop in mid-plunge when it was pressed against my skin. I would feel my heart beating, and the blade beating with it. Then I would remember my promise, and think of...*why is it still beating? Where does it find the strength to beat? If it's so shattered and frozen...why is it still beating? Why...?* I lowered the knife. Instead, I stabbed it again and again into the wooden floor. *That's it. She will be the last one I'll ever hurt. I'll make sure.* I wiped away my tears, and washed my face to make my dad think my eyes got red by the soap and water. I walked out the door and bid farewell to my dad coz he was going to another bible seminar. I chatted on YM for the last time. For my last apologies.
Well...it turns out that I wasn't the reason she got triggered. According to her, I didn't AT ALL hurt her. In fact, if I DID jump, I'd REALLY make her relive her past. Only proves one thing. I'm stupixd. Straight up. Damn. Why do I keep thinking its my fault whenever people around me get hurt? I always blame myself, coz...of... well, memories of an old semi-forgotten past. Well, at least we ended with a load of laughs. And a Status message of: "Stay, Reason, Stay!"
To a fellow bleeding heart: We have WAY too many things in common...I'll just tell u guys on Friday.
Hehe. Still can't believe people care. Really. Looks like God wants me to live on, ne? (aba, pa NE-NE na rin ako!) I'll live on for the 'therapy night'! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!
Icequeen out.