Wednesday, June 9
Jun. 9 Wed.
"Sabihin mo sakin, Celine... Lalake, babae?" -Anne
My barkada stayed over at my place for the day.
Chaos. *grin*
Andy was the first to arrive, and we sat in front of the TV chatting and laughing away. After a few minutes of watching NBA, the doorbell buzzed. We both looked outside, and saw Myka, Anne, Giselle, and Steph practically dragging themselves towards our gate. They were drenched in sweat, panting heavilly, and their skin looked red and slightly burned.
I told them off.
They walked all the way from the gate of our subdivision, to our house!!!
Seventh avenue is only the farthest from the gate, and it had the steepest, most unforgiving roads in the whole subdivision, too!
WALKED!
Why? Heh. *Exercise daw. Masyado na daw mataba, kailangang magpapayat na daw.* TADYAKAN KO SILA, EH!
After a few greetings of hugs and kisses, they collapsed in the living room, and downed glass after glass of cold water. I turned on all the fans in the house, and opened the doors and windows. I went inside my room for a moment, then when I got back in the living room...
My eyes widened.
*Strip show!*
They had taken off their shirts and blouses! They were dabbing their sweat off, and tying their hair up. Giselle was blissfully lost, as she stood right in front of the electric fan, with her hair and blouse in wild disarray.
Gsel: *standing in front of the fan* "Celine, okay lang ba..? Ang init kasi talaga, eh!"
Me: *laughs* "Aba, sinolo mo yan, ah! I'll leave you two alone, hahaha!"
I looked around at my friends, all slumped on the couches and floor, trying desperately to cool themselves down.
Them: "Ayan...lumalamig na ng onti...sarap..."
I gulped, and loosened the collar of my shirt.
*Funny...I think it just got a little bit warmer...*
...
Giselle took a bath, and I lent her a pair of shorts, and my blue spag strap top. Hehe, she looked good in it - and I realized just how elastic that top was across the chest. We tossed our bags anywhere, and made ourselves as comfortable as possible on the couch and on the floor. I whipped out my dad's stash of chocolates, and they pretty much feasted on Flat Tops, chocolate bonbons, Hershey's kisses, and coffee wafers. Although...Andy and Myka weren't too keen on chowing down on chocolates. Andy's face would break out, and Myka...wanted to reduce. So I gave them fruits. *sweatdrop*
*Aba...demanding, ah.*
We watched a DVD of View From The Top. It was okay... Mike Myers was hilarious with his *ahem* eyes. But it was quite interesting - I've never seen a movie where the protagonist's "Destiny" was being an international flight attendant. The concept seemed quite shallow at first, but then I realized it was probably a big deal to other people. *shrug* After the movie, we went downstairs and ate lunch.
We were gathered around the table, and I was at one end - in my dad's throne. They looked at the food - fried chicken, corned beef, and two bottles of coke. Then they stared at me in anticipation, wide grins on their faces. They always looked forward to me leading the prayer (coz they find my monotonous, robotic voice amusing). *Parang daw biglang sinasapian.*
Take note: The two bottles of coke were placed one at my right, one at my left.
Giselle: "Ayan na, magdadasal na si Celine..."
Them: *straighten up* "Okay, okay... Eto na..." *grin*
Me: *smirk* "Let's pray..."
Steph: *sees the position of the bottles of coke* "Hano ba yan...tingnan mo ung posisyon ng mga bote, hahaha!"
Myka: "Parang altar!"
Them: *laughs*
Me: *controls laughter*
Them: *stops laughing*
Me: "In the name of the-" *snort*
Anne: *finishes the prayer*
Them: *laughs*
Me: *whacks Steph on the head* "Kaw kasi, eh!"
Steph: "Mukha namang altar talaga, eh! Purihin si Celine..."
Us: *laughing our heads off*
Haha, mga kagaguhan talaga ng berks ko. After lunch, we went back upstairs and just lounged around. They invaded my room, and snatched my headbands. Steph opened my cabinet door, and saw *stuff*.
Steph: *staring the inside of my cabinet door* "I...want...to... be... her angel... She's...suffering... She...killed me...with four...little words... No...she didn't kill me...I killed...myself..."
Me: *eyes widen*
I slammed the door shut, and led them back out in the living room.
Steph: "May nakita ako..."
Me: "Wala yun!"
We slumped in the living room once again. Steph and Myka were on pillows on the floor, Giselle, Anne, and Andy were on the couches. I...I was lying on the floor, curled up. I wasn't talking much, I just let them do all the chit chat. I missed them. A lot. I was so tired...in more ways than one. And I wanted to fall asleep to the sound of their voices. I tried my best to hide my sadness behind my silence and warm smile. Hn. They noticed. They kept on asking me what was wrong. I couldn't answer. Then, they pinpointed the probable cause...
Anne: "Si Celine, mukhang sawi sa pag-ibig." *laughs*
Me: *twitch*
Giselle: "Si Celine? Ma-in love? Iba yun, ah..."
Me: *twitch*
Steph: "Oy, pero sigurado ko... Ang unang magkaka-boyfriend satin ay si Celine."
Them: "Oo, sigurado yan."
Me: "WHAT?! Bakit?!"
Myka: "Eh, ganun naman un, eh... Yung ayaw ma-in love, yun pa ung mauuna."
Them: *nods in agreement* "Uyy...si Celine...*
...
For as far back as I can remember, they always said that about me. And I always snort and scoff them off. Back then, the thought was preposterous. Not to mention pathetic. I used to think love was for weak people. It was something that made you dumber, and look like a friggin idiot. It would drive you to do crazy things - like skip and dance, sing, jump off a building, shoot yourself, and even worse: cry at sappy movies. *shudder* I analyzed love to be an excuse to have sex. A gamble. A game. But the worst of all... Love was a trap. It would break down your barriers, make you let down your guard. Then it ensnares you, draws you close - whispering warm, tantalizing promises. But when you're close enough to touch, it runs away. Taking a chunk from your heart and soul, leaving you empty and bleeding. Hurt you more than when you started off without it.
Hn. It still is.
And I learned that the hard way.
...
Andy: "Hmm...ako, never pa akong na-in love. Hehe, hindi pa."
Me: *blurts out* "Good for you!"
Them: "Hah? Bakit naman...?"
Me: *smiles* "Masakit magmahal."
(pause)
Them: *stares at me, slightly gaping* "Oh my God...Celine... Na-in love ka na ba?!"
Me: "Erm...yeah..."
Them: "HANO?! KANINO? PANO?!"
Anne: "Sabi na nga ba, eh."
Them: "Kaya ka pala ganyan..."
Steph: "Parang...kilala ko..." *looks at me* "Yung sa cabinet mo...siya ba-"
Me: *laughs* "Sira."
Them: "Sige na, Celine, sabihin mo na samin..."
Me: *lowers gaze* "Erm..."
I didn't tell them everything. I was afraid they'd be disgusted with me, and never talk to me again. If they did, I'd...die. I just told them that I fell in love, but the person didn't love me back. Strictly no specifics. No names, no schools, no...gender. But of course, they concluded it was a guy. For some reason, Anne got off the couch and lay down beside me. She held my hand.
Me: "Erm...think of it this way. Isipin nyo ung kantang 'A girl can dream' at 'Jelous'. At yung movie na 'My best friend's wedding'. Ganun ung nangyari."
Andy: "Oh my gosh...ibig mong sabihin... Yung araw na magtatapat ka na sa kanya, yun pa ung araw na sinabi nya sayo na may iba na siya?"
Me: *slowly nods* "Yup yup!"
Them: *faces fall* "Oh...my...goshhhhh... Ansakit nun!"
Me: "You have no idea."
Myka: "Anong ginawa mo? Umiyak ka?"
Me: "Well...the moment na sinabi nya, siyempre hindi. Nagkunwari akong shocked. Pero..." *closes eyes* "Masaya ako para sa kanya. For real. At least...naligtas na siya."
(silence)
Steph: "Hm... At least hindi niya alam, diba?"
Me: *twitch* "Erm...alam niya."
Them: *eyes widen* "WHAAAT?! PANO?!"
Me: *shrugs* "Sinabi ko sa kanya. Pi-nost ko sa blog ko, tapos nabasa niya, tapos naisip niya na siya yun. Sabi ko 'oo, ikaw yan.' Sinabi ko sa kanyang in-love ako sa kanya."
Andy: *stutters* "K-k-kahit na alam mong may iba na siya?"
Me: "Yeah..."
(pause, they all stared at me gaping)
Myka: "Anlakas ng loob mo, Celine!"
Them: *slowly nods* "Sobra... Never ko yun magagawa!"
Me: *blinks* "Talaga?"
I never thought of it that way. But now... I realized it WAS kinda daring. To tell someone you're in love with them, even though you know they're already in love with someone else. Haha. And all this time, I thought I was weak. But...I should have confessed sooner. *sigh*
Andy: "Ilan taon na ba siya?"
Me: "Erm...16."
Andy: "Che. Hindi tatagal yun."
Them: "Oo nga...bata pa siya." *pats me on the back* "May pag-asa ka pa, Celine. Hintayin mo lang."
(pause)
Me: *smiles sadly* "Two things, guys. One..." *inhale* "The truth is...gusto kong tumagal relationship nila. I'll fight for them to stay together. Ginagawa ko ang lahat para hindi sila maghiwalay."
Them: *eyes widen* "WHAAAAT??!"
Andy: "Ibig mong sabihin, ikaw pa ang nagiging bridge minsan?!"
Me: "Yup. By my own will."
Steph: *stutters* "Baket?!"
Me: "Coz...they deserve each other." *smiles* "They both deserve to be happy. And they're happiest with each other."
(silence of disbelief)
Them: "Martir ka talaga."
Myka: "Well, at least alam niya. Malay mo, baka may mangyari sa future. May pag-asa ka pa naman, eh. Ang tindi mo kasi magmahal."
Me: *inhale* "That's number two. Wala na akong pag-asa."
Them: "At bakit naman? Pano mo alam?"
Me: "Tinanong ko siya."
(silence, them staring at me, slightly gaping)
Me: "Tanong ko: 'Do I have hope?' Sagot niya: 'no.' Tanong ko ulit: 'no hope ever?' Sabi niya..." *inhale* "'no...I'm...sorry.' Hehe. Lagi siyang nagso-sorry." *sigh*
Andy: "TINANONG MO YUN?!"
Me: "Er...yeah..."
Them: "ANLAKAS TALAGA NG LOOB MO, CELINE! BILIB AKO SAYO!"
I managed a small smile. When I finally broke out of my shell, and tried to love...it ran away from me. I did everything to keep it. But to no avail. I wondered why I even confessed. Probably coz...I've never felt that way before, and I wanted to be loved so badly. Why? Coz I've been deprived of it. But probably because I was a masochist. *sigh* Well...my masochistic side got more that she bargained for.
...
They gave me two very different tips on how to deal with *laughs* 'him'. One was to just stay with it. Since 'he' already knew how I felt, I shouldn't let us drift apart. We should just remain as friends. Who knows what Fate had in store for us in the future, right?
The other was: To cut every connection I had with 'him'. Don't answer calls or texts, erase 'his' links from my blog, and log out when 'he' logs in. I should just give in to hatred. I should just forget about 'him' and try to look for love elsewhere and try again.
I sighed and told them...that I couldn't hate that person, even if I tried. Quite frankly, it's impossible to hate a person like that. But I had to admit. The thought...was taking its toll on me. They reassured me that I had a whole life ahead of me, and lots more would come my way. *Kalimutan mo na siya, kakalimutan ka rin naman niya, eh.* Good point.
...
We ordered two pizzas, and consumed both in a span of 10 minutes. We lathered ketchup all over them, and got very messy. Andy took a bite, and all the hot sauce dripped on her dress. I took a bite, and the ketchup-y pineapples fell off and messed up my shirt. They all found it amusing.
Steph: "Parang...lahat ata ng mapapayat, ang gulo kumain!"
(pause)
Myka: *tips her slice of pizza over her shirt* "Ay, nahulog!"
Us: *laughing our heads off*
After watching another movie, and taking turns sitting on the rocking chair in front of the TV, Giselle and Anne called a tricycle and commuted to BigR. After a while, Andy was picked up, and Steph and Myka followed soon after. They kept pressing on who was the one I fell in love with. Who was the 'guy'? Of course, I couldn't tell them. I kept muttering over and over:
"Basta...kung nalaman nyo kung sino yun... Wag kayong mandiri sakin, please..."
They kept repeating that they would never. They'd accept it no matter what. Even if I was pregnant, they'd understand, haha. I thanked God. *Please don't let them leave me and desert me...like all the others.* They asked a lot of questions, and I couldn't answer them. I apologized, saying I wasn't ready. I'd tell them in time. But the one that stunned me most of all was Anne's question. Haha, it stunned all of us.
Anne: *holds my hand* "Sabihin mo sakin, Celine. Lalake, babae?"
Them: *doubles over, laughing*
Giselle: *whacks Anne* "Ano ka ba naman!"
Steph: *blinks* *laughter trails off*
Me: *laughs out loud* "Sira!"
Boy, she's good.
...
That night, I was on the balcony. I told *snort* 'him':
"If it's one thing I learned today... I'll always be right here for you and with you. No matter what."
...
*Mas gugustuhin ko na siya ang mang-iwan. Dahil kahit gaano ako nasasaktan... Hindi ko siya maiiiwan.*
...
Putragis. Ang corny ko.