Tuesday, August 31
Aug. 31 Tues.
“Hold on to me, Cel
Hold on to me..
Don’t be afraid
Im here,
And ill hold you steady.� -Dude
...
Id give anything to have you in my arms again.
Id give anything to feel your skin on mine again.
Id give anything to smell your perfume again.
Id give anything to hear your voice again.
Id give anything to taste that kiss again.
...
Id give anything to be with you again..
Id give anything to go to hell.
...
You were the only one who saw something in me that was worth falling in love with...
And you were taken away.
...
...
I danced in the fog today,
Felt the subtle coldness embrace every inch of me..
I turned my face to the overcast sky..
And as the raindrops touched my eyes, hair, cheeks, lips..
Ah...
...
It was almost as if you were right there with me again.
Almost..
Almost.
...
...
“The Watcher’s chains will be loosened soon, and he will bathe the world in blood to claim his immortal love.�
Monday, August 30
Aug. 30 Mon.
“You look at me,
But you can’t see
Understand, Im a sinner!
Dont corner me,
Dont lecture me,
Raise your hands, YOURE A SINNER!� –song in OST of The One
...
Too many voices are shouting in my head.
I listen to all, but which one do I heed?
My family?
My friends?
My heart?
...
I want to lash out and shout at every person im angry at.
FUCK YOU!
MAMATAY KA!
BURN IN HELL, BITCH!
MAGSAMA KAYO!
GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!
GALIT KA NANAMAN SAKIN? FINE! MAGALIT KAYONG LAHAT!
HINDI AKO MARTIR!
EH BOBO KA PALA EH, ANG IBIG SABIHIN NG META SA METAPHYSICAL AY CHANGE!!!
SIGE, HWAG NA LANG AKO MAGMAMAHAL, OKAY? PARA MASAYA KAYONG LAHAT!
AH GANUN, AH..HINDI NA PALA AKO SAPAT PARA MAPASAYA KA.. SIGE! JAN KA NA, HA? HINDI MO NAMAN AKO KAILANGAN EH!
SA TINGIN MO MASAKIT NA YAN? MAS GRABE PA PINAGDAANAN KO, NOH! TAPOS PA EMOTE EMOTE KA PA NGAYON! EH KUNG IHAGIS KAYA KITA SA BALKONAHE NG 4TH FLOOR?! YUN NAMAN GUSTO MO, DIBA?!
GET YOUR FRIGGIN HANDS OFF ME!
GUSTO MO IKAW NA LANG SA PWESTO KO? EH KUNG GANYAN KA MAGBIGAY NG UTOS, SIGURO KAYANG KAYA MO NAMAN MAGING CELINE ESTRADA FOR A DAY!
ABA, TINEXT PA AKO NG GAGONG TO AH..ISAMA MO NA LANG KAYA: ‘PANAKIP BUTAS KASI KITA EH’ SA TEXT MO!
SIGE, TAWA LANG NANG TAWA! EH KUNG IPAG TUTULAK KO KAYA KAYO SA HAGDANAN? ABA, PARE! YUN ANG MASAYA!
PUTRAGIS, HINDI AKO KAGAYA NYO NA BASTA NA LANG NANG-IIWAN NG MGA TAO!
...
Believe me.
I had every right to say all that.
Every reason..every friggin reason.
But you know what I did?
...
...
“Tahan na..its gonna be okay..im here..�
“I tried to do what you told me to do..�
“Basta..kung may problema ka..andito ako as a friend, ayt?�
“Ive been there..easy lang, itl turn out fine..�
“Don’t give up..kaya mo yan..andito ako para suportahan ka.�
“Oh..im sorry sir, I really did think meta meant change.�
“Er..whats the problem..? Anong nakakatawa?�
“O talaga..wow naman, ang saya nyo..im so happy for you.�
...
I chose to love.
I chose to take in all the pain.
And it’s a helluva lot of pain.
...
Call me stupid..
Coz I am.
Mas bobo pa nga ako sa isang tanga..
Isa akong hangal.
...
...
Pero may tiwala ako sa Diyos.
Dahil anjan pa rin Siya sa harap ko, nakatingin sakin, habang pinapako ako sa sarili kong krus.
Pucha..
Ganito Mo pala kami minahal..
Mas grabe pa nga, eh.
...
I cannot love You if I do not love Your cross.
*Help me make a difference in this world, Jesus..
I may have lost my hope..
But dont let me lose my faith..
Most especially my love.�
...
I didnt say “I am now a soldier of Christ� on my confirmation day for nothing.
Saturday, August 28
Aug. 28 Sat.
“I never let my feelings show,
Till I found the pain
Of loving you...
And that’s what hurts.� –And That’s What Hurts, Hall & Oates
...
“No offence Celine...�
“What?�
“Masyado kang...�
“Masyadong what?�
“..martir.�
“...�
...
...
“Huwag mo na siyang papansinin, Celine. Layuan mo siya.�
“Tao pa rin naman siya eh! Kaibigan ko siya! Hindi ko siya basta basta lalayuan..�
“Ayan ka nanaman eh! Masyado kang mabait! Ikaw na ang napapahamak!�
“...�
“Masama siyang tao.�
“Baka..misunderstood lang siya..�
“Oh my God Celine! Itigil mo nga yan! Wag mo na siyang intindihin! Mabibiktima ka lang!�
“...�
“Walang kwenta itong conversation na to, Celine.�
“Bakit..?�
“Kasi...hindi mo naman sinusunod yung mga advice na binibigay naming eh. Pasok sa isang tenga, labas sa kabila.�
“...Pinapakinggan ko naman..�
“Oo nga, pero di mo naman sinusunod.. Argh, basta!�
“..Ganun..na ba talaga..ang paningin niyo sakin..?�
“Hindi lang paningin! GANUN KA NAMAN TALAGA EH!�
“...�
...
...
“Bakit mo siya pinasabay at pinayagang tumuloy sa bahay natin, Celine?�
“Eh..ayaw ko po siyang maiwan doon. Baka kung ano pang mangyari sa kanya..�
“Ano ba yan, Celine.. Sinaksak ka na nga niya sa likod at lahat.. Magagawa mo pa rin maging concerned sa kanya?!�
“...�
...
...
“Asan na partner mo, Cel?�
“Ah..ewan ko..�
“Anong ewan mo? Bakit ka mag-isa jan?�
“Ayun siya o.. May ibang inaasikaso..�
“Iniwan ka..?!�
“...�
...
...
“Er..Miss?�
“Yes?�
“Ah eh.. Gusto sanang malaman ng kaibigan ko..kung ano yung number mo..�
“Asan kaibigan mo?�
“Ah, nandito – O, pare! Bakit ka kumakaripas ng takbo?! Gago, bumalik ka rito, hahahahaha!�
“...�
...
...
“Enjoy ka ba sa araw mo, Celine?�
“No. But I hope u did.�
“Yeah, I did...�
“..................�
“T-talaga..? That’s great.�
“Ang saya ko today, grabe!�
“...........Yis naman! I can imagine! O, mabuti naman masaya ka!�
“Haha, oo nga eh..�
“.................O, matulog ka na..�
“Ikaw din..�
“That..That won’t be a p-problem..�
“Cel..? You ayt? CEL!�
“...�
...
...
I have the power to set myself on fire..
And burn from the inside.
...
The power to convert my emotional pain..
Into physical pain.
...
Do you know how it feels like to die?
To feel yourself dying?
I do.
Figuratively and..
Literally.
...
I hate it..
And love it at the same time.
...
...
One day, she will fall to the ground – pale, and bathed in sweat and blood.
The fire in her heart will burn..reduce her into smoldering cinders.
Then, from the ashes..
She will arise.
Crimson blood tarnishing her ivory skin..
Gorgeous against the sun’s bloody suicide.
Soft cream lips will curl into a faint smile,
And orbs of ebony will narrow with a malevolent glint.
She will gaze across the sea of murderers past and present,
As the powers of the three worlds surge through her veins..
The millennium has ended.
Its her turn now.
...
“The Ghost Girl will be given such powers that the world has never seen.�
...
Thursday, August 26
Aug. 26 Thurs.
“So much hurt,
So much pain,
Takes a while to regain...� –Out of Reach
...
I love rainy days.
Specially rainy days with Wind showing off.
But these past few days were kinda gloomy.
With no net or phone to take my mind off my emotional masochistic hunger, I sank every other hour.
And today in particular was..
...
...
Damn.
I am so easy to break.
...
Tuesday, August 24
Aug. 24 Tues.
“I was..preoccupied with..something..� –me
...
“Eh pano kaya kung...tayo...na lang...magkatuluyan..?�
...
I froze on the spot.
I was totally unprepared.
Joke lang daw, pero..
Jokes are half meant.
Hindi ko siya sasaktan.
Mamamatay muna ako bago ko ipadama sa kanya ang nadama ko.
...
“Hahaha! Sira ka talaga, o! Oy, ha, iba na yan! Ang bata mo pa, ganyan ka na! And besides, dalawa na nga pinagkakaguluhan mo, tapos isasama mo pa ako? Maguguluhan ka lang! Hahaha!�
...
That sounded like a joke.
But I meant every word.
Thursday, August 19
Aug. 19 Thurs.
“Please...don’t poke your...chest...with my fan...� –me
Last day of quarterly tests...
I think I interchanged Assyrians with Aryans, and spelled Pharaoh wrong...
And I aint sure about my answers in the functions...two lines of equations and a final answer is worth 5 points already?
Anyway.
...
We watched the Cotabato concert Kalilang at the Assumpta theater that afternoon, and well...a few parts hit me squarely in the chest, most made me laugh, but some parts...made me wanna charge out through the emergency exits in attempt to preserve my moral values.
Ehe, speaking of moral values...
After most of my barkada left for dismissal, I walked around the multi to look for Sam. But instead, I was cornered by ate Cheska, Beija, and Angela.
Nice.
Gave me a run for my morals. And my self worth, haha. First topic was of course, about the concert. Particularly about the part where they showed how a newly wed couple spent their first night together... *loosens collar*
The girl doesn’t want to...yknow. But of course, the guy persists. He chases her around the bed and kulambo, trying to get in. (at this time, the whole audience was hooting and cheering...*twitch*) When he finally does... (the audience is on the edge of their seats, leaning forward in...anticipation... And I had sunk so low into my seat, I was almost lying down...)
Lights out.
The crowd booed. But I sat up and clapped my hands so hard, saying: “Thank you!�
Well, after the wife screamed like a tweaked siren, I resumed my sinking-into-chair routine.
...
Angela: “Anong reaction nyo nung nag-lights off?�
Me: “Ako, pumalakpak akong malakas! Buti na lang pinatay nila agad ung ilaw...haha, kala ko itutuloy nila!�
Us: *laughs*
Ate Cheska: “Oy, ako napakapit kay Maecy!� *clings to an imaginary ate Maecy beside her* “Ay Maecy! Nabitin ako nang di oras!�
Us: *roars with laughter*
And after that, Ate Cheska proceeded to telling me all about...stuff. Stuff that made me cover my ears, hum to myself, and beg Sis to save me. And the fact that Angela was unnaturally high and was all:
Angela: “Yung isang sentence sa Language test namin: THERE CAME LASSY THE BITCH.�
...really wasn’t helping...
I had plastered myself against the wall, as they cornered me. Thanfully, Beija came to the rescue (which is weird, really).
Beija: “Oy, Cheska...tama na, naaapektohan moral values ni Celine...�
Ate Cheska: “Ano? Bakit, inosente ba siya?�
Beija: “Er...yeah, inosente yan.�
(pause)
Ate Cheska: *raises eyebrow* “Talaga lang ha...� *presses fan handle to my cheek*
Me: *narrows eyes* “Hwag jan sa pisngi ko...sensitive yan...� *grins* “I can always drop the innocence, yknow...�
Them: 0_o
I can. And when I do...well...ehe, it aint gonna be pretty. *rubs left cheek*
Well, they proceeded to chatting about waistlines and bust size *twitch* which for obvious reasons...made me kinda uncomfortable. But then Sam came! Yay! (gir voice) Doom song! Super toast! I wuv this shoooooow! Hey floor! Make me a sandwich! *laughs*
Well, at some point, they went too far..
Ate Cheska: “Cel, bigyan mo ako ng height..�
Me: “Sige ba! Bigyan mo ako ng boobs!�
Ate Cheska: “Trade tayo!� *laughs*
Beija&Angela: 0_o “Holy..�
Angela: “Kadiri kaya kung sobrang laki..yung tumatalbog na na irgh..� *shudders*
Us: *laughs*
Ate Cheska: *points my fan to her chest* “Eh yung akin naman –“
Me: *twitching fit* “Please..don’t poke your..chest..with my fan..�
Them: *manic laughter*
...
Bottom line?
Lay off my left cheek if you wanna keep your moral values intact.
*grin*
Wednesday, August 18
Aug. 18 Wed.
“Love: I arise from dreams of thee,
In the first sweet sleep of night.
When the winds are breathing low,
And the stars are shining bright...� –a text message from...my mother
Filipino and Geom today.
Needless to say, I grew a lot more fond of that metal railing...
...
...
I watched a movie today. It was kinda dweeby... I mean, I can remember the first time I ever watched that movie: I was with my former best friend at the cinema house, and we were stifling our laughter as the people beside us were crying their eyes out.
But...it’s a lot different if you’re actually LIVING the character.
...
...
What drives people to love?
To take that leap of faith, to break down their barriers that they themselves built over years and years of pain and misery...
What causes them to poke their heads out of their shells?
But more interesting...what drives them to continue on – to push through and endure such merciless inhuman physical and emotional injuries?
Is love really worth all their blood and tears?
And even if there is no hope left...why do people still find the strength and faith and stupidity to carry on, to fight, to give up everything for their love?
I don’t get it.
I am a child of science and analogy, and im telling you, I hate things I can’t understand.
But love...is one of the very very few things I cant comprehend, and...
I don’t hate it.
Which is very.
Very.
Bad.
...
Through observation, I used to think Love was only a trap – a game, an allegory, a mistake, an excuse. People use it to get laid, earn money, get the right to kill, destroy, and commit suicide. It makes people stupid and pathetic.
>I love you coz you saved me from myself, you light up my life, you picked me up when I was down, you were always there when I needed you, you taught me how to fly, you accepted me for who I was, you brought me to life.
>I love you, and I promise to give you everything you want.
>I love you, I’ll tattoo your name across my forehead.
>I love you, and if you love me too, you’ll kill him and him and oh, him too, for me.
>I love you, and I’ll die if you leave me.
>I love you, I’d wait till forever for you to come back to me.
>I love you, but if I cant have you...no one can.
>I love you, let’s have sex.
>I love you, I’d kill for you.
>I love you, but you don’t love me back...*BANG!*
>I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.
>I love you, I’d steal you from your husband and take you with me to Troy.
See what I mean?
The only love I accepted and acknowledged was from my family, friends, and God. Any other form was just for show.
I mean, hello? Think about it. Love is always used – anywhere, anytime, anyway. But in reality – people have NO IDEA what love is. They really don’t. Ask anyone. They’d just go as far as:
Love is a...feeling.
Love is an...emotion.
Love is...something that doesn’t take up space and has mass.
Love is...God.
...
Yeah. I do believe God is Love. Well, they’re both unexplained yet extremely powerful. But does that mean God makes people stupid too? Yeah, sometimes Love makes people smarter – inspires them to do better, to change their lifestyles, to reach for the stars...
But mostly makes them smile, sing kiddie songs, frolick through the fields and flowers, and pretty much look like morons.
...
But then...people change.
I’ve climbed the stairs, and allowed myself to be lifted up from the murky depths of myself and into the heavens.
I saw...how a star is born...felt its energy pulsating through my own body...
I saw...how the clouds quenched the parched earth’s thirst...tasted its sweet kisses...
I saw...how Zephyr ran its fingers through the tree leaves...heard it gently whisper the secrets of the earth to little children...
I
...
...
My conclusion: Love is funny. Hilarious.
Through most of your life, Love appears to you through a glazed glass wall – blurred, vague, and goofy looking. But suddenly, when you least expect it, Love gives you a peek – and for just a fleeting moment, you see its stunning beauty. You’re taken aback, but become very intrigued as it teases you with coy winks and saccharine whispers of promises – promises of a better life, something more...
You break down the glass wall. In the process, you can be cut or injured, but you don’t mind. Now that the glass wall is down, your defenses are destroyed. You’ve come undone...vulnerable to everything. But it doesn’t matter, does it? Love promised to heal your wounds and kiss your tears away.
...
But when you do get out in the open, you reach out over the dark abyss for Love’s hand. Reach..reach.. Just a couple more inches.. So close, you can already feel the warmth from its fingers.. Then..
It takes back its hand. Backs away from you, laughing like a mischevious little sprite. Twirls around and away from you, as you stare in utter disbelief, falling into the dark chasms of reality. The only thing that escapes your slightly parted lips is a faint “Why..?� right before you crash into the mirror of your soul.
Hilarious, isn’t it?
I will never love again.
...
...
It just scares me..
That’s exactly what I said last time.
...
Icequeen out.
Tuesday, August 17
Aug. 17 Tues.
“What in hell kinda question is that?!� –me
1st day of quarterly tests today...
My seat was outside the classroom, right next to the metal railing.
English and Chem. Chem was alright, I just kinda blacked out halfway through the 2nd page of pure multiple choices. Multiple choice overload, hehe.
But when English came...oh man. I found myself staring at the essay questions and instructions, then banging my head on the railing next to me. I think I banged my head too hard...coz there was this low “Donngggg!� sound, and my seatmates including Ms. Lacsamana turned to me, puzzled. I just rubbed my head and laughed apologetically. But when they turned away...
I looked back down on the questions.
ESSAY:
1. (3 points) As a student, what would you consider as “Grendels� in your life, and what possible ways can you “vanquish� them? (not more than 4 sentences, take a main idea, and develop it.)
2. (3 points) What would you consider as present-day “Grendels� in our society and country that have been SOLVED ALREADY?
My eye twitched ever so slightly.
WHAT IN HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?!
I looked up, searching the sea of the stooped heads of my fellow 3rd years for a kindred spirit – someone who was also at least the slightest bit confused as I was with this...essay thing.
Up ahead across the other classroom, I saw Pia look up from her paper, and stare blankly at the space infront of her with that same twisted puzzled expression. Our eyes met for a moment, and we both laughed.
Ms Lacs: *looks at me* *comes closer* “Bakit ka tawa nang tawa, Celine?�
Me: *stifles laughter* “Erm...w-wala po miss...�
Ms Lacs: “Iniisip mo si Grendel, ano?� *laughs*
Classmates: *laughs*
Me: *stifles laughter even more*
Yeah, well, I got through. But after scribbling the last punctuation mark on the essay, I leaned against the metal railing, wrapped my arms around it, and stayed that way.
At the end of the day, the only thing I learned:
Cold metal railings are perfect for resting your torso against, especially if your brains are squished dry, and your core body temperature is 38 degrees and rising.
Icequeen out.
Monday, August 16
Aug. 16 Mon.
“Everytime I try to fly,
I fall,
Without my wings,
I feel so small...� –Everytime, Britney Spears
...
Step 7: The Journey Back to Square One.
...
Yes.
I’m going back to square one.
Where I’ve always been.
Crashed back down...
Fell so far, so hard...
Back to this state of mind,
State of consciousness where I’m neither alive nor dead,
Neither hurting, nor happy.
Just...
Numb.
...
For me, love is just like life –
It’s a journey.
Like climbing a flight of stairs...
At first, you’re at the bottom step – blank and numb, and pretty much dead. You don’t want to climb up, coz you feel scared...scared to take chances, scared to get hurt, scared for the unknown...
But then, there comes a time when something drives you to go up. For life, its your dreams. For love, its that certain someone.
You drop your guard, take a deep breath, and climb.
At first, it scares the hell out of you, coz you have no idea how this goes, or how this will end...but you still go on, slow and steady.
Once you get the hang of it, you sometimes even risk it all and scurry at top speed – nevermind the rickety or missing steps.
Once in a while, you trip – and get hurt, or fall down. It discourages you a little, but hey. You dust yourself off, get back up, and climb once again. And you learn from your mistakes – that some steps are merely illusions, or sometimes misleading. So you learn how to distinguish the good sturdy steps from the bad ones, and know which ones to take.
At some point, you get tired...and just linger on one step. It doesn’t matter, once you’ve gathered your strength, you’ll continue climbing.
But sometimes, when you pause, you look down. And you see just how unnervingly high up you are. Sometimes, you climb back down a few steps, but often, you conclude that your goal is worth more than giving up; so you face your fears, and continue climbing.
And after that long, challenging journey through life or love, you finally reach the top. You live your dreams, or get to be with that certain someone.
At last, at long last.
Plus, you would’ve learned a lot from your experience, and be able to apply these lessons in other aspects in your life.
You become a better person.
...
...
But its different for me.
I linger on the bottom step for too long.
I very rarely get inspired or allow myself to get driven to climb up at all.
But when I do...
Oh boy.
I give my all.
I climb up, but fall back down to the bottom step.
No matter, I’ll just get back up.
And so I do.
But...I fall back down to the bottom step once again.
Okay, I’ll learn.
And yet...
No matter what I do, say, think or feel, something ALWAYS happens to make me fall back down.
Back to the bottom step.
Back to square one.
...
So much so, that I CHOOSE to stay at square one.
I curl up and hold on to myself at the bottom step.
I close my eyes, cover my ears, and wrap my broken bleeding wings around me.
*I don’t want to get hurt again...
Get away from me...*
I’ve done this countless times...
And still I haven’t learned.
I should just swat away or cringe from the reaches of Hope.
But love...you cannot escape from it.
You can’t hide from Love.
...
I’ve crashed back down on square one so many times, the bottom step is already lined with dried blood from my wounds.
I know every single inch of square one.
Every single emotion, feeling, sensation.
I love it at square one because I know everything about it.
And it doesn’t hurt here.
But...
I also hate it.
...
Because it isn’t happy here either.
I’m always sick, always tired, always numb and uninspired.
I’m dead here.
Everything passes by me, and makes no impression whatsoever.
Like fine grains of diamonds slipping through my fingers.
Time seems to both drag by excruciatingly, and zoom by so fast.
I’m drowning here.
Suffocating.
And there’s no hope or love at all.
Nothing.
...
...
And I’m back here.
Once again.
*Ito naman ang gusto nyo, diba?
Its for the best naman, eh.
At kung ayaw man nyo...
...
Sige nga?
May magagawa pa ba kayo?*
...
Sunday, August 15
Aug. 15 Sun.
“My hope
Dangles on a string,
Like slow-spinning redemption...� –Vindicated, Dashboard Confessionals
...
God’s agenda for today’s 5:30 pm mass:
Magparinig kay Celine Estrada.
Sunod-sunod,
Walang awa,
Walang takas.
Lantaran, pare.
...
How was I supposed to know?
I didn’t have the slightest idea that the Assumption of Mary actually symbolized hope...
Until the priest opened his mouth.
...
“So brothers and sisters...
God calls us to be like his handmaid Mary...
Obedient, faithful, sensitive,
Merciful, loving,
And ever hopeful...�
I sank into my chair.
Okay God...What’re you trying to say...
...
“Through her adversities, and sufferings,
trials, and heartaches...
She endured them all with loving patience and trust in God...
And in the end, it all paid off.
She was given the ultimate gift –
To be in the eternal presence of our Lord,
Body and soul.
Eternal happiness.�
...
...
And that was when I bowed my head,
and hardly noticed the big brown butterflies that zoomed past me,
slicing through the falling drops of my salty tears.
...
...
You want a miracle, God?
I’ll give you a miracle.
You’ll see.
And You’ll stand in awe.
For I will choose to love...
And with Your help –
*I’ll be the miracle.*
...
Friday, August 13
Aug. 13 Fri.
“When, where, how...
Will you choose
to be delivered from this suffering..?� –Mary, Passion of the Christ
...
By the end of the day, it took every ounce of my willpower not to thow my cellphone against the wall, scream at the top of my lungs, and punch every square inch of glass in our house.
...
...
And every ounce of my love...
...
Not to pull the trigger.
Wednesday, August 11
Aug. 11 Wed.
“Bakit hindi kita nakita..?� –the Angel, and the Saint
...
I slumped against the wall of my bedroom.
I sat still, as I felt the cool night air creep into my skin.
Silence.
I closed my eyes and gently played back the soft, tattered fragments of memories...
The day was so sweet.
...
...
I flicked on the lighter.
Once.
Twice.
*Whoosh*
I twirled the end of the stick over the flickering flame, until it glowed a bright red.
I set the lighter aside, sat on the floor, and relished the soft, warm smoke that slowly filled my lungs with subtle sweetness.
Insence.
Essence of Peach.
...
...
Y’know...
I like this day.
Its sweet...
But not the sickeningly sweet kind...or even the blandly sweet kind...
Just right.
Sweet as peaches.
...
Heh. Peaches.
I wonder if you still -
...
*smiles*
Y’know...
I miss talking to you. About anything and everything...
Hehe, did you know...
I was in GUY mode today? Hahahaha! We had our practical test in PE, and I dressed up as a 50’s guy! Damn, I looked so pathetic, I tell you! Black pinstripe pants, loose checkered polo shirt, and my hair in a red beret! (talk about a fashion nightmare for my bro!) Hahahaha! Hm...kinda looks like you! Haha, joke. We danced chacha, boogie, and swing...it ended catastrophically, but hey. We had a blast! Specially me, hehe.
...
*sigh.*
Well...you know perfectly well that I only dressed up like that because...
I think I suck at being a girl.
And I don’t have to think. I know.
Maybe...
Maybe if I acted as something else – a guy, for example – I wouldn’t suck as much?
I could start anew?
Hey, I’m only a haircut away!
...
Oh, and...I saw them today. One fateful turn of my head, and there they were. In the distance...so far away...
I tried to call out to them, but they didn’t hear me...
They were laughing. They were happy. I stopped calling out.
I just stood against that railing, and watched as they walked away...
Why is it that everytime I see them, they’re always so far ahead, walking away from me, so happy...
And why is it that I can only watch?
They asked me why they didn’t see me.
It doesn’t matter...I saw them.
...I wish you could be here beside me, and reassure me that its alright...
...
...
Hmm...
I wonder...
What could you be doing...right at this moment...
Most probably, you’d be slumped in your armchair, listening to the endless droning of your History teacher, hehe.
You’d be pretending that you’re listening – diligently taking down notes on your leather-bound notebook, when in fact you’re just itching to stand on your desk, yell “I’m king of the woooorld, wohoooo!!!� , jump out the window in an impressive front flip-tuck double twist, land gracefully on your feet, roll around on the grass, scale the school fence, and sing “Come What May� and “Only Hope� at the top of your lungs.
Haha, yeah...
Or...
You’d be dodging glances from the people around you, and racing towards the nearest hilltop, to stare at the sunset.
You’d shut off your celphone and slump against a tree or some boulder...just watching the dry brown leaves weave across the crimson sky. You’d close your eyes then, and relish the feel of the cool twilight breeze running its fingers through your hair...
...
But...
Most likely...
You’d be with your family and friends around the dinner table, cracking jokes and making fun of the various items you pull out of the fancily-wrapped boxes they give you.
You’d be laughing then...throwing your head back, and grinning like an idiot as they surprise you by bringing out a large mocha cake, topped with strawberries.
Your friends would be roaring with laughter, as they fight the urge to stick their fingers in the icing, and throw them at each other. But they would all fall silent, as they beg you to make a wish...
A new car?
Tickets to a concert?
New strings for your bass guitar?
New case for your flute?
World peace?
You take all the time in the world, staring blankly at the tablecloth, thinking of what you want to wish for... You think that it doesn’t really matter...its just a wish.
...But what if it came true?
You close your eyes for a moment and gently smile... Before taking a deep breath and blowing out the flames of the 17 blue candles on your cake. You slowly open your eyes, to cheers and applause of your family and friends, as they celebrate your 17th year.
...
17...
17...
You should have been 17 today...
17 in the eyes of others.
17 in the eyes of those who see you –
...but don’t really see you.
...
But I...
I would be the only girl –
The only person...
Who would come up to you, look deep into your eyes, smile gently as your image blurrs through my tears...
I would take your hand in mine, and place my one and only gift on your palm, and close your fingers around it.
I would relish the look on your face, as your expression changes into unbelieving fascination...as your eyes reflect the crimson and azure glow of the gift in your hand...
I would be the only person who would say...
...
...
“Happy *19th* birthday, Dude.�
Friday, August 6
Aug. 6 Fri.
“I can’t run anymore, I fall before You
Here I am, I have nothing left
Though I’ve tried to forget, You’re all that I am
Take me home, I’m through fighting it –
Broken, lifeless,
I give up.
You’re my only strength,
Without You, I can’t go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.� –October, Evanescence
...
The day was nice.
It was soft, and mellow, and somewhat fluffy.
It felt like I was sinking into a warm mound of pillows.
I was smiling gently the whole day long.
Not an ounce of lingering sadness, not a tinge of dark envy.
Just love.
Perfect.
...
I failed to remember my brother’s philosophy:
*If its too good to be true, then it must not be true.*
...
...
I turned.
And saw...something unexpected.
A golden statue...
Majestic, and magnificent,
Reflecting all the glorious colors of the prism in its crystal silhouette,
Glimmering, shining,
Far brighter than the sun itself.
...Something I’d never be.
I froze in its presence.
I felt myself crumble, deteriorate, rot from the inside out.
In a fraction of a second, I burned into ashes.
Silky black filaments, feather-light and glossy –
Slowly lifted from Life’s hands for a moment or two...
Before being cruelly snatched away by the winds -
Mercilessly ground, pulverized into tiny fragments,
Ebonic dust...
Scattered across the endless wasteland of nothingness.
...
...
My vision blurred.
My breath caught in my throat.
Literally.
I never had asthma, but whatever I felt for those excruciating moments was a hell of a lot worse than anything I’ve ever felt before.
My chest burned.
My heart was pounding against my aching ribs with hollow beats.
I couldn’t breathe...and I’m not exaggerating. At all.
My lungs felt like...they were being filled up with some sort of fluid –
Water?
Blood?
Both?
I wouldn’t know...
My head reeled, and so did my body.
I never felt such dire need to breathe properly.
Close to tears, I ran.
Someone called out to me, but I could hardly hear.
A part of me...
Didn’t want to hear.
Didn’t want to feel.
Didn’t want to touch, to see, to be so damn close...
Not now...
Not when I finally got through a perfectly loving day...
Suddenly, unexpectedly...
I had to love some more.
*What am I supposed to do?*
...
...
I tripped.
And fell.
And shattered into a thousand pieces.
Again.
...
Stunned, I stayed down.
I NEVER wanted to get up.
Ever.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t scream.
I just hugged my knees, and didn’t move.
*Leave me alone, Fate...you’ve hurt me enough...*
Not enough. No. Never enough.
Not enough pain.
Not enough despair.
Not enough...
Love.
Ne?
...
...
I sat at the end of the bus, still tingling all over with adrenalin, and the sensation of frying nerves.
I was still in shock.
And my lungs were still filled with fluid, making my every breath squeak ever so softly.
Then...
“There never seems to be,
because what I believe,
a moment I’m not trying...
To show them who I am,
why can’t they understand
The things that they’re denying?�
I sank into my seat.
Great...another one of Fate’s tricks.
I was gonna shatter again...
“So what should I do?
Just lay next to you,
As though I’m
Unaffected?
And who should I be?
If they’re judging me
As though I’m
Unaffected?�
I grit my teeth.
I wasn’t gonna give in.
I had to fight.
...
I lost.
...
...
“So what should I do?
I’m not unaffected...�
My eyes brimmed with the impending tears.
I was trembling...
“And who should I be?
I’m not unaffected...�
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
*WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
OH GOD...*
...
...
I clung to myself, frantically trying to keep the broken pieces together with shaking hands.
*This is...all I have...*
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.
I cringed away from it.
He gently held me steady, and looked into my eyes.
And with a warm, comforting voice...
“Celine...
Do you love Me?�
...
It took an eternity for me to answer.
But with all confidence, I answered a brave:
“Yes.�
...
He asked still...
“What are you going to do..?�
I tilted my head up, and said:
“I choose to love. I always will.�
Silence.
My words lingered in the air.
Sweet...
But with a kiss of bitterness.
“Even though it means more pain for you? Why?�
...
I breathed deeply. I dropped everything.
I remembered something a saint said once.
“Because I can’t love You if I don’t love Your cross.�
...
He smiled.
Such a warm smile.
It gave me strength.
“Do you trust Me?�
“Yes.�
He gently held my hand.
“Then get up.�
...
...
I did.
Tuesday, August 3
Aug. 3 Tues.
“Why don’t the wishes I make for myself come true? Well...its part of the curse.� –me
...
Kala nyo tinigil ko na, ano?
Sus.
Ako pa.
*grin*
...
Step 6: SELF-DESTRUCT MODE
For the whole day, I thought...
Actually, I practically flooded, bombarded, blinded my mind with visions...
Of how it could have been if.
...
If, if, so many ifs...filled with so much hope.
Hope...
I got lost in Hope’s kiss.
Drowned in it.
I knew the consequences of what I was doing.
I’d self-destruct.
...
I stood on tiptoe, stretching my fingertips towards the sky...
If to hope is to reach, to dream, to wish...
Then I hope hope hoped my mind and soul away.
...
All or nothing.
I emblazoned the images in my mind.
Felt the sensations, the emotions...
The smell, feel, taste, sound, sight...
I forced every bit of my willpower to make it seem even more real than real...
I wished.
With all my heart and soul and mind.
All or nothing.
I gave it all.
And soon...
Inevitably...
I would have nothing.
...
Why?
Because I am the Cursed Child.
Everything I wish for myself will be granted to everybody else OTHER than me.
It will never come true.
Never.
It’s part of the curse, see.
And now...she and her savior can rest assured I won’t be an obstacle anymore...None of the things I envisioned will come true.
Why?
Coz I already wished for it.
...
There.
My sacrifice.
My love suicide.
Be happy.
...
Monday, August 2
Aug. 2 Mon.
“Wish ko lang mapanaginipan na lang kita...
Hanggang panaginip lang kasi ang pwede...� –ako
...
Kung ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko...
Nakikita kita.
Nakatingin ka sakin, hawak mo kamay ko...
Hindi ka nakatalikod, hindi ka bumibitaw...
Mahal kita...at mahal mo rin ako.
At wow.
Walang nasasaktan, walang nalulungkot, ligtas tayong lahat.
Masaya tayo.
Tunay na masaya.
...
“Celine, okay ka lang..?�
Idinilat ko mga nagbabagang mata ko.
“Pucha, namumutla ka na! Ang init mo! Punta ka na sa clinic!�
...
Panaginip lang pala.
Panaginip lang...
Nakapikit man ako, o nakadilat.
...
DREAM OF ME
Let me sleep
For when I sleep I dream that you are here
You're mine
And all my fears are left behind
I float on air
The nightingale sings
Gentle lullabies
So let me close my eyes
And sleep perchance to dream
So I can see the face I long to touch
To kiss
But only dreams can bring me this
So let the moon shine softly on
The boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams...
He’ll dream of me
I hide beneath the clouds
And whisper to the evening star
They tell me love is just a dream away,
dream away, dream away, dream away
I’ll dream away
So let the moon shine softly on
The boy I long to see
And maybe when he dreams...
He’ll dream of me
Ohhhh, dream of me
...
Sunday, August 1
Aug. 1 Sun.
“Maybe God saves the best for last...� –te Sop
...
Good God.
I believe I’ve met my match.
I’m a manhater. Everyone knows that.
But, fu*k, man!
This is one of them POSSIBLY EXTINCT guys!
And he’s goin through if not the same, even MORE than what I am!
I couldn’t stand the thought.
...
It was weird...
I could relate to him.
Sobra.
I never got to meet him, but hey. Looks like we’re goin through the exact same thing...
Exact same thing.
...
Time to question God.
Are you really that sadistic?!
Argh...
We both stay faithful to You, Lord, even if it KILLS us...literally, figuratively, and in so many excruciating ways...
For love...
But why is it that the ones who don’t really have that much faith in You... The ones who don’t really go through so much suffering for You...for love...
BAKIT SILA PA ANG NATUTUPAD ANG MGA HILING?!
BAKET?!
...
...
The answer came from...an angel.
“Maybe God saves the best for last...�
I was stunned.
Napaisip ako dun ah.
Wirdo talaga ni Lord...
Kung kelan wala na talagang pag-asa...
Kung kelan nagtambakan na lahat ng problema mo...
Dun pa Siya lilitaw bigla, at ililigtas ka.
...
If this guy was going through anything like what I am...
And I know he is.
Then...
I could only hope he gets to hear that “maybe God saves the best for last� message.
He can’t die.
The world needs more guys like him.
For what its worth...
*Hold on...you’re not alone. Trust me.*
...