Wednesday, June 29
Jan. 29 Wed.
“Nagtatanong:
Bakit mahirap sumabay sa agos
Ng iyong mundo?
Nagtataka:
Simple lang naman sana ang buhay-
Kung ika’y matino..
Sabihin sa’kin lahat ng lihim mo..
Iingatan ko.
Ibaling sa’kin ang problema mo..
Kakayanin ko.
Pikit-mata ko’ng iaalay
Ang buwan at araw..
Pati pa sapatos ko’ng suot.
Nagtataka:
Simple lang naman sana ang buhay-
Kung ika’y matino.
Sasamahan ka sa tamis
Sasamahan ka sa pait
Sasamahan ka sa dilim
Sasamahan ka hanggang langit.” –Akap
...
Kapatiran was sweet.
I got to carry my sister on my back..which, for you who know me [and just how fragile I am], is an almost miraculous feat.
But I’ll write about that some other entry..
Right now, I wanna share this.
Heh. Share. What a word.
Anyway, I got this from one of my busmates [kat-kat] who I was surprised to learn could draw pretty good, and is an avid fan of whoever was the “plushie person” I kept writing on my hand – the person who she observed always made me smile and giggle and all giddy just thinking of.
[kat’s note: kat is the one who threw the ball in the background, and leoren is the one who got hit. Of course, I am the girly who’s hugging the plushie person from behind..unless I wanted to switch roles and/or genders.]
...
...
We are all fragile.
Time lets us gather the broken pieces.
Only the fire of love can melt us and shape us back into clear glass.
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...
I want to feel myself break into a thousand pieces inside you, and hang on for dear life as your gentle kisses put me back together again.
Thursday, June 23
Jun. 23 Thurs.
“Lumuha ka ng nag-iisa,
nakadungaw sa buwan.
Lumilipad ang isip mo,
Nakasabit sa ulap..
Ngunit bakit,
Pinilit,
Kung ayaw ko’ng masaktan?
Sinabi ko sa kanya,
Na ‘di pa rin nililikha
Ang tulad ko’ng parang timang,
At ‘di mo pa rin maintindihan..
Malayo ang pagtitig mo,
Dala ng hangin.
Akala ko ay pwede na umasa sa iyo..
Ngunit bakit,
Pinilit,
Kung ayaw ko’ng masaktan?
Sinabi ko sa kanya
Na ‘di pa rin nililikha
Ang tulad ko’ng parang timang,
At ‘di mo pa rin maintindihan..
O bakit ba..
Pag wala ka na,
Ako’y kulang..
Ako’y kulang?
Sinabi ko sa kanya
Na ‘di pa rin nililikha
Ang tulad ko’ng parang timang,
At ‘di mo pa rin maintindihan..” –Bakit 2
...
I told you I’m no martyr.
I can hate like nobody’s business.
Naiirita din ako.
Nawawalan ng pasensya.
Bumabawi ng pangako.
Nagsusumpa ng mga tao..
I may be anemic, but I have enough blood to use my cynical analytic brain along with my blood-thirsty, pain-hungry heart.
You don’t know me.
...
...
This entry is for you people. You know who you are. If you don’t, I don’t fucking give a shit.
YOU. Dammit, bakit ka ba palagi umeepal sa buhay ko? Nagsimula na nga lahat sayo, ang kapal pa talaga ng pagmumukha mo na piliting magtapos din sayo! Putang ina! Putang ina ka talaga!! Hindi na ba sapat na lumayas ka na’t lahat sa kabataan ko? Hindi na ba sapat na pinahiya, pinaiyak, at pinatay mo yung dalawang pinakamamahal na lalake sa buhay ko? Ano? You think I don’t remember the times when you snuck me out and dragged me along with you just so your goddamn sugar dads and granddads would think you’re the sexiest, most charming creature of God they’ve ever laid eyes on? The only things I remember about you..were the bad. And the worst. Oranges and apples breaking and exploding on my his immobile back and shoulders. Pretending to be asleep beside them as you flung a bedpan to us across the room. Colors and loose powder on your face, as I try to get your attention by pulling on my doll’s pants. Your pretty smile contorted into a grimace at the sight of my sobbing form, snipping the cloth, and shooing me away as you go to your nth party.
You know why I don’t reply?
Its coz I hate you. fuckin hate you.
You know why I hate you?
I hate you coz I know that no matter how much I beg and cry and kill the world for you to be here for me when I really need you, you can’t. You can’t! You never will!!
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...
YOU. Pareho lang naman tayo ng kalagayan dati eh. Siguro mas matanda ka, kaya mas nauna mo’ng nakuha ang pinaka-aasam nating dalawa. Ang langit. Masaya ako para sayo. Seryoso. Totoo po yan. Kaya lang, ang totoo din..noo’ng panahong iyon, ikaw ang langit na gusto ko. Pero di pwede diba? Sayang.. Kung hindi ako duwag, siguro may pag-asa ako sayo. Siguro wala. Ewan ko. Basta alam ko masakit yun sakin. Starving myself, breaking the habit, carving on my cabinet doors, staying up late, crying in the shower, heart racing when you’re near, chewing on my tongue, falling asleep on the floor.. don’t get hurt. I didn’t do this to hurt you. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was me. All me. My fault. My problem. I wanted to be her. More than anything. I never loved myself. I owe you my life, but why? Why did you judge me? Why do you think mahal ko siya kasi nakikita kita sa kanya? So yeah, you both have a lot in common, but that aint the only reason na mahal ko siya! Nagagalit ako sayo.. nasasaktan ako sa ginawa mo, sa inisip mo. Alam ko’ng di mo sinasadya.. kagaguhan ko lang talaga to eh.
But now I’m so damn angry. And friggin hurt.
I want to hate you. All of you.
Why you and not me?
Bakit nyo ‘ko ginaganto?
Di ba kayo sanay?Magsama kayo!!
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IKAW. Mahal kita. Di mo lang alam kung gaano. ‘lam mo ba’ng takot na takot ako? Takot ako na ginagago mo lang ako..na madali mo ako’ng mapapalitan, na rebound lang ako. Sa history mo ba nama’ng yan eh, masisisi mo ba ako? See? Tao din ako. Di lang ako puro pagmamahal. Adik na ako sayo, ayaw ko lang aminin kasi kaawa-awa, diba? Pinapaglaban kita.. minamahal kita kahit panay kasinungalingan ang pinamukha mo sa’kin nung umpisa.. I accepted you for who you are.. ginagawa ko ang lahat para hindi matapos ito’ng pagsasama natin.. I’m only human, dammit! I can only do so much! Tolerate so much.. swallow so much.. endure so much.. suffer so much.. I’m no damned saint, I run out of patience too! I feel so alone whenever you leave me out of everything, when you run away and hide from me.. feeling ko hindi ako ang para sa’yo eh. Kung ganyan ugali mo, siguro nga hindi ako ang talagang gusto mo diba? Would you really make your true love go through all that? Lagi akong inggit sa mga ex mo, kasi alam ko na talagang minahal mo sila, at alam ko na hindi ko sila mapapalitan sa puso mo. Pinaglalaruan mo lang ba ako? Ginagawa mo ba to para iligtas ako sa sakit na idudulot mo sakin? Sadista ka lang ba talaga? Masokista? Sadomasokista? Do you feel unworthy? Do you feel superior? Naniniwala ka ba na mahal kita? Naniniwala ka ba na kinuha ko na kay Anne ang puso ko at ibinigay sayo?
Siguro hindi ka naniniwala.
Siguro ang sarap talaga ako paglaruan.
Utu-uto kasi ako. I know. I hate myself more for it.
Hindi ka nagsasabi ng kahit ano sa’kin, tapos ine-expect mo na magtiyaga ako at mahalin ka pa rin?
Wag mo naman abusuhin, o!
Wala na nga’ng natitirang luha’t dugo sa katawan ko eh!Pucha, kung ayaw mo talaga, wag ka na maglaro! Wala ka’ng mapapala sa putangnang gaga’ng to! Umalis ka na lang! Andaming magkakandarapa sayo! Nakapila lahat!
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...
I told you.
You don’t know me.
So don’t judge me.
I want to crawl into a shit hole, sink my fingers into my scalp, and scream.
I got three on my right, and one on my left..
And nobody will ever know.
Now let’s all fall in line, and enter the sewing machine.
...
Tuesday, June 21
Jun. 21 Tues.
“Sa umaga sa gabi sa
Bawat minutong lumilipas -
Hinahanap-hanap kita,
Hinahanap-hanap kita..
Sa isip at panaginip
Bawat pagpihit ng tadhana -
Hinahanap-hanap kita,
Hinahanap-hanap kita..” –hinahanap-hanap kita
...
The starting lyrics says it all.
Y’know, it just doesn’t feel right when I don’t get to talk to you..
I don’t want to be downright selfish demanding, I know how busy you are..at school, at home, and all the time in between.
I guess all I can do is hope you’re not angry with me..
Hope you’re doing okay, unhurt, and giving your best in all that you do.
[guys, please don’t lecture me about being a worrywart here, I know that already..and just so you know, I’m trying my damn best not to be.]
...
I don’t want to say it anymore..
Coz I know you already know it. Baka mainis ka pa kasi parang sirang plaka na ako.
Don’t even know why I say it so much.. maybe coz somewhere in the back of my mind, I’m begging you to tell me everything..adik ako sayogusto ko ikaw kayakap ko, hindi unan koumuuwi ako sa’yo, hindi sa bahay na togusto kong ibagsak UPCAT ko para sa USTe na lang akohindi na ‘ko mapakaligusto kita’ng itakas sa school mo, pamilya mo, mundo moI don’t know shit, and I hate itlagi ako nag-aalala, jologs noh?ikaw ang dahlian kung bakit ako kumakain, ngumingiti, nangungulitkumukulo dugo ko sa antics ng mga ex moayoko’ng umiiyak kamas takot ako sa ending kaysa sa’yohindi ako martir, kasi..I want to be your everything
Mahal kita..andito ako para sayo.
Be happy..
Sunday, June 5
May 5 Sun.
“All of the things that I want to say
aren’t coming out right..
I’m tripping on words,
You’ve got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here..
Coz its you and me
And all of the people with nothing to do
Nothing to prove
And its you and me
And all of the people
And I don’t know why,
I can’t keep my eyes off of you..
There’s something about you now..
I cant quite figure out -
Everything she does is beautiful..
Everything she does is right.” –You and Me
...
Ayoko na munang humiram ng mga salita ng ibang tao..
Yung akin muna.
Kahit talagang walang mga salita na papantay sa mga emosyon ng isang taong nagmamahal at minamahal.
+You+
They say heaven is a place
I say..
Heaven is a state of being.
It’s hearing your stuttering mumbled apology;
The blurred sight and sound of you
With the smell of coffee and raspberry –
Intoxicating,
Mesmerizing,
An addiction I’d gladly give in to.
It’s the slight curve of your spine;
My fingers entwined,
Almost touching tip to tip around your wrist..
Your delicate frailty
That I dared trace
With twitching,
Trembling fingers
That longed to kiss your skin.
It’s grinning at your mask-
Of ebony glass and navy cloth;
Your pulsing light eveloped,
Shrouded,
Hastily draped in
Silver links, and leather strips
Denim jeans, and rubber soles –
All of which failed to hide
Your racing heart,
And crimson blush.
It’s your face half-buried
In the crook of my neck;
Your arms reaching over, and almost around..
Chocolate fingers entwined
Melting, molding in the sugary expanse
Eyes closed, lips parted,
Pulses pounding,
And souls bared.
It’s the scent of your hair –
Of cold summers, and stifling autumns,
Strawberry concentrate
Mixed with powdered pearls;
Caressing your stray scars
With the coldness of my fingertips
As the softness of your lips
Gently pressed against my secret wounds.
I wanted to kiss your skin,
Breathe you in,
Seep into your veins..
And fall asleep inside you.
They say heaven is a place
I say..
Heaven is a state of being..
..a state of being with you.