Tuesday, June 8
Jun. 8 Tues.
"Crawling through this world as disease flows through my veins
I look into myself, but my own heart has been changed
I can't go on like this
I loathe all I've become." -Away From Me, Evanescence
...
I was on my bedroom floor.
The lights were on, and bright, and blinding.
The radio was on, and loud, and blaring.
The door was half-open,
And my father was right outside, pacing.
I was on my bedroom floor.
...
And nobody saw me crying.
...
I lay in bed that night, with my father sleeping soundly beside me. So near he was, yet so far...
I drowned in the soft yellowish glow of my celphone's LCD. My eyes blurred over.
...
I was sorry.
For what?
Everything.
Every single fu*king thing.
For making her sad all the time,
For always being so negative,
For complicating things,
For making her feel bad,
And for being
So. Damn. Weak.
...
Everything.
...
I wanted to fall asleep, and not wake up.
To suffocate under my blanket.
And so I lay there, in a sealed cocoon of my own cowardice and weakness.
Air had no way in or out.
I inhaled my exhale till my lungs stung, my head spun, and my muscles ached.
I gritted my teeth at the pain, and soon fell asleep.
...
...
I woke up.
I felt sick to my stomach.
I wanted to throw up.
Swallowing too much tears wasn't such a good idea.
...
I felt worthless.
I was nothing.
Nothing at all.
If I died, it wouldn't change the world.
If I wasn't born, it wouldn't have made such a difference to the world.
If I inched away from her, she wouldn't care.
Hn. She probably wouldn't even notice.
...
*Coz she aint the one drowning in an ocean of shattered glass now, is she?*
...
*Not anymore...*
...
...
I hated what I've become.
...
But guess what?
...
...
She still loved me.
...
"Why do you love me...so much? I don't deserve you."
"I don't know why I love you, I just do. And...you deserve much more."
...
...
And as the dawn crept in,
I fell asleep in the arms of someone who loved me.
...