Monday, November 29
Nov. 29 Mon.
"Its easier to run..
Replacing this pain with something numb;
Its so much easier to go..
Than face all this pain here all alone..
...
Sometimes I think of letting go,
And never looking back..
And never moving forward,
So there would never be a past..
...
Its easier to run..
Replacing this pain with something numb;
Its so much easier to go..
Than face all this pain here all alone.." -Easier To Run
...
Aalis lang daw siya. Sa cubao daw, for some stuff.
Yeah right.
Nakita ko yung itsura niya, yung boses niya, mga mata niya..
Gusto niyang tumakas.
...
Di ko siya sinisi.
Naiintindihan ko siya..
Kaya hinagkan ko na lamang siya,
At hinayaanng umalis.
...
Alam kong babalik siya nang madaling araw,
Lasing at pagod, basa sa ulan, at amoy sigarilyo..
Pero mas mabuti na yon kaysa masiraan siya ng bait sa pamamahay na ito.
Pareho lang kami ng ayaw -
Itong buhay na to.
Pareho lang kami ng gusto -
Tumakbo.
...
Nainggit ako sa kanya.
*I wish I could make-takas like you, Dad.*
...
Sunday, November 28
Nov. 28 Sun.
"Say a prayer for me,
I need a new life..
Im not blind coz I see the truth and the lies.
Heed my words, listen to advice..
You dont need to run away and take your life..
No, you cant live this way.
...
Whatever you do, choose life..
The thoughts on your mind, choose life..
Wherever you go, choose life..
Choose life." -Soul Searching
...
Will I find the answer in this pale vile vixen I hold between my fingers?
Or in this glass of bloodred kisses?
Or in these rapid strokes of nerve-frying pleasure?
Or in the papery taste of the miniscule round flattened piece of a man who died for me?
I knew I would find the answer in her..
But I already killed her.
...
+Ivory Kiss+
by: Cursedchild
She stood before me, tempting me with her innocence..
The muse of my instant gratification.
I reach for her, caressing her slender form;
And pressing the pallor or her lips against my own;
I ignite her with a passion that sends both our bodies ablaze.
I suck her in -
The spicy sweet breath caressing the inside of my lungs..
She is mine.
But she leans forward,
Licking the inside of my throat with her rough tongue.
I choke and push her away,
But the taste of her bittersweet kiss still lingers on my mouth.
I stare at her with fear -
This muse turned beast with a single kiss..
I hate her now more than ever -
The fiery scarlet fire burning in her eyes..
The ebony-grey saliva dripping from her sneering burnt lips..
And yet I knew the truth.
She wasnt mine at all -
I was HERS.
...
...
Why do I do it?
Simple.
For once, I wanted to be the one to hurt her.
Me - the one who knows her more than anybody else does..the one who knows her pain more than anything..
I hated to see her die..
But I would rather kill her with my own hands than have her tortured by THEM.
...
...
I cant see..
I cant breathe..
I cant even feel the gentle grip of His hand around mine anymore.
...
Saturday, November 27
Nov. 27 Sat.
"They like DOING girls?!?!" -me
They said 7:30am.
7:30.
Oh I was there 7:30, alright.
They arrived at 9.
...
If I was a full-fledged girl, I would have thrown a fit just like all my other batchmates. But hey, im a man-hating androgynous gal, so I just slumped on a chair, threw my head back and thought about how the fact that those Xavier boys would all be going out of their busses in single file would give me the perfect chance to shoot them down one by one.
But Giselle was our batch rep, and she practically sweat blood just to prepare this whole interaction for us..so I spared them my wrath.
Well, it wasnt really THAT bad at all..
Save for some really rude y-chromosome creatures.
Rargh.
Damn, I hate guys..id rather date a girl than-
Ahem.
...
We had this amazing race thingy, where we had to go around the campus collecting clues..some of which were sabotaged.
I had to run and skip and jump and sprint and jog and even ask really awkward questions to the guys the whole time..save for the heat and sweat and uninviting personalities they showed me, it was kinda fun.
There was one guy, though, ..really didnt like him. He was the typical y-chromosome creature I abhor - from the clean refined features of his marble face and chinky eyes, narrow electric blue glasses, fit navy shirt, loose khaki pants, brand new flashy nikes, and that snappy Im-all-that air in his demeanor and SPEECH..
..and after his answer to the "What will you do if your girlfriend went to the states for a year, and gained 30 pounds, would you still love her?" question..
"NO! OF COURSE NOT, HAHAHA!" he sputtered, with that look on his face like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He doubled over laughing and added:
"She gained 30 pounds, for cryin out loud! Ang panget na nya nun! And besides," he said, cocking his head and raising his eyebrow.. "One year is more than enough for ME..to find a new girlfriend.."
Damn.
I wanted to punch him where the sun dont shine.
...
Lunch was much better. It was a catered buffet of rice, pork, beef, vegetables, and tonkatsu. Ahhh..the food was great..
But watching them eat was a lot more fun. *evil grin*
If you were there, you wouldnt know me.
Me: *stares at stevie eating*
Stevie: *blinks*
Me: *grin* "Ang cute mo kumain.."
Guys: *laughs*
Girls: *drops their forks, spoons, and jaws*
After lunch was the TALK. Oh boy, we all knew what that was gonna be about..
Alex: "may talk? Tungkol san?"
Kate: "Er.."
Me: *snorts* "Hindi ba obvious?"
Them: *stares at me*
Me: *waves tonkatsu around* "Uh..what do they ALWAYS talk about when there are girls.." *points to my batchmates* "..and guys.." *points to Xavier boys* "..all within 3-foot radius of each other?"
*pause*
Them: *eyes widen* "Oh..boy."
Me: *laughs* "Ah basta..matutulog ako."
Nox: "Haha, sige ako rin!"
Me: *grin* "Unless..may live example.."
*pause*
Them: *chokes on food*
Me: *laughs*
...
Things I learned in the talk:
>all guys are cheaters.
>>Except Jesus.
>looks arent everything..
>>but guys usually realize that when its too late.
>>>Except Jesus.
>Parental advice are usually correct.
>>but we only realize that when we already made the mistake.
...
There was this game we played to pass the time..sort of like a SURVEY SAYS..
Each contestant were supposed to guess what the other gender would answer.
Lorra: "What brings a girl down?"
Guy: "Er..being ditched?"
Survey: 50% = being rejected
Lorra: "Very good!"
There was this one question, though..made me choke.
Lorra: "Okay..survey question is..WHAT DO GUYS LIKE DOING?"
ela: "Umm..playing video games?"
Survey: 28% = playing basketball
28% = girls
Me: *chokes* "They like DOING girls?!?! Shyet!"
Everyone: *blinks* *looks at survey results* *looks at me* *looks at each other* "OH MY GOD.."
Me: *grits teeth* "Now THAT is what I call wrong.."
...
Near the end of the program, I got to chat with some of the guys..they were funny, madakdak but still kinda shy. It was fun..
Me: "So you guys really have a Chinese subject?"
Them: "Yeah.."
Me: *scratches head* "Anong tinuturo sa inyo dun?"
Nox: "Er..mandarin. Ang hirap nga eh!"
Me: *raises eyebrow* "Talaga lang..panong mahirap?"
Nox: "Kasi..every syllable sa Chinese language may different tones..pag namali mo yung tone lang, baka magbago yung ibig sabihin ng word!"
Me: *laughs* "Ah, okay..sige nga, demo!"
Nox: *pauses* "Example..the syllable TSI."
*pause*
Nox: *high squeaky fluctuating voice* "Tsii, tsi. TSiiII TSIII!"
Me: *eyes widen* *literally rolls around chair laughing my head off*
Dom&Caria: *stares at me, scared* "Si Estrada nagwawala!"
Maybe I was just shallow that day..but I seemed to laugh at their every antic. But no, I wasnt flirting. Not in a million years.
...
When they left, I had to literally bite down hard on my tongue to keep myself from losing my temper and cussing and beating the hell out of the Xavier core group.
Damn.
Really.
I knew those y-chromosome creatures could be lazy, but heck..
Nobody makes my friends cry and gets away with it CONSCIOUS.
Especially guys.
...
After cleaning up, we boarded Maika's ride - which literally felt like an earthquake in a roller coaster - dropped off Giselle at Zobel, dropped of Cams at her place, and all the rest of us lounged around at Maika's pad watching Chasing Liberty and eating yema and icecream.
It was fun being there, listening to my berks describe the guys they liked..as I smiled at the glimmering shard of hope that grew in my mind..
"Uuuy..si Celine andaming nakilalang good gwapo guys.."
I could only laugh softly and exclaim: "Basta sana hindi sila BADING!"
...
When I was picked up at around 8, I sat there at the back of the car excitedly narrating the funny excerpts of the day, and the fact that I met a few good guys at the interaction to my dad..
But then..
"Wag ka nang umasa sa kanila, Celine."
I stopped. I blinked and asked: "Bakit naman, dad..?"
"CHINESE BOYS WILL ALWAYS MARRY PURE CHINESE GIRLS. ALWAYS."
I froze. The thought never really entered my mind..i wasnt really looking that far ahead..but the truth hit me like a hadou-ken to the chest.
So much for hopes.
Stupid of me.
I shook my head and snorted. "Yuck, who says I plan to MARRY them?! Heh. Kawawa na lang mga batchmates ko na patay na patay sa mga chinito."
He laughed.
...
If my 9-year old self only saw me now..
She would slap me for being so weak with hope on guys and love.
I frantically tried to remind myself why I became a man-hater in the first place.
Oh yes.
To avoid rejection and losing on love.
Its a crude and immature tactic..
But hell.
It works.
...
Friday, November 26
Nov. 26 Fri.
"Sanayan lang yan." -Angela
...
We had a mass, and I didnt wear the gala uniform that fit me oh so 'perfectly' like a true bride of Christ due to the fact that my 700php collar got lost..
I didnt get to receive communion either..
But that was ayt, there's still a next school mass, after all.
...
I got to hang out with my barkada and actually hear them laugh at my antics..got to laugh and smile and actually relate to what they were saying.
They even said "Naaaliw akong kasama ka, Celine." and "Ang saya mong kasama, Celine.." and "Nagbago ka nga Celine.."
..made me smile to know that they love me more after my dive..but made me a little sad at the thought that before this transformation, they never noticed just how much I loved them..
But that was ayt, there's still a next schoolyear, after all.
...
I got to see the cute toddler costumes my classmates were gonna wear at Kate and Jackie's "Kiddie Sweet Sixteen" birthday party tonight..
Laughed my heart out at the pink and frillyness and cuteness of it all, and the thought of how ridiculously adorable they would look when they wore it under the starry sky and soft garden lights, as they frolicked around the clubhouse playing kids' games..
..they all frowned and made these sad faces when they heard that I, Celine Estrada, empie extaordinaire was not gonna make it to my concubine's party due to the fact that my father thought that it be better to stay at home and rest my over-fatigued body and reserve it for tomorrow's Boy Girl Interaction..
But that was ayt, there's still a next birthday party, after all.
...
Les and Beija told me about the Lasalle Dance that was to be held tonight, and asked me if I was gonna come..
..I just scrunched up my face after a long pause of disbelief, and cutely retorted the sad fact that one - I wasnt informed earlier, so there was no way in hell my father would allow me to go at such short notice, and my brother most likely roll over and die first before he let me go to another school's fair without his fashion consent; and two - my dad didnt allow me to attend the kiddie party coz I was "just too weak and frail", so how much more to a rowdy all-boys' school dance, right?
But that was ayt, as my darling dearest seester said: "There's always a next year's Lasalle Dance.."
...
As the fact finally sank into my system, I garbled the extremely funny 'chika-galore' to my friends between giggles, guffaws, and crunching sounds of snacks and food..
"Uh guys..he told me that he's GAY."
..they stared at me with wide unblinking eyes and slightly parted lips, as I laughed my heart out and daintily covered my wide open mouth with a trembling, Kornbits-filled hand..I swatted my other hand at them, giggling at their expressions, reassuring them that I actually found it quite amusing that he was gay, and the fact that it was a good thing I didnt get my hopes THAT high up - since I of course was the one who theorized the fundamental fact that:
"If you spot a perfect guy..he's either taken, gay, your relative, or dying."
But that was just ayt, there’s always other perfect un-taken, un-gay, un-relative, un-dying guys, after all.
...
I lay there on the floor of my bedroom, my throat and tongue burning and stinging with that awfully addicting bitter taste, as I pondered the waste of my life..how everything just wont go my way, how so many small irritating things happen to me at a daily basis, how unspeakably horrific I feel knowing the fact that nobody will ever understand unless they actually LIVED this life of mine - which was of course impossible..
..my body twitched and jerked ever so slightly as I fed myself the poison of Instant Gratification and the rotting condemnations of Fate himself..
But that was ayt, there's still a next lifetime, after all.
...
...
"It just isnt fair," I muttered under my breath, the basketball still pressed between my still hands, as the devastating facts and inhumanly barbaric thoughts of this life’s so-called ‘challenges’ flooded my mind, causing me to stare into outer space..
"Sanayan lang yan," she shouted, referring to the irritating antics of my busmate, for she was latched onto her arm, asking her if she was already 'nakukulitan'.
I blinked, as the answer popped right out of nowhere.
Yeah. Sanayan lang.
...
I exhaled deeply, letting the heavy rotting feeling in my chest get snatched away by the crisp winds, as I casually pushed the glitter-stained basketball up and across the half-court..
The setting sun peeked through the spindly fingers of the leafless trees, blinding me with its brilliance, making me shut my watery eyes and smile a smile as warm as the dying sunlight..
I missed..
But it didnt matter.
I was SMILING.
...
Wednesday, November 24
Nov. 24 Wed.
"Y'know, Dude..
I pity you." -me
...
I did it.
I took the dive.
And you know what?
They loved it.
...
...
No, I wont stop believing.
I still believe we'll meet again someday..
But will you still love me after all that I did?
After what..
What I've become..?
...
...
*To Where You Are*
by: Josh Groban
Who can say for certain?
Maybe you're still here..
I feel you all around me,
Your memory's so clear..
Deep in the stillness,
I can hear you speak..
You're still an inspiration..
Can it be?
That you are my
Forever love?
And you are watching over me
From up above?
Fly me up to where you are,
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile..
If only for a while to know you're there..
A breath away is not far
To where you are.
Are you gently sleeping,
Here inside my dream?
And isn't faith believing
All the power can't be seen?
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away..
I cherish all you gave me
Everyday..
Coz you are my forever love,
Watching me from up above..
And I believe that angels breathe..
And that love will live on,
And never leave..
Fly me up to where you are,
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight to see you smile..
If only for a while to know you're there..
A breath away is not far
To where you are.
I know you're there..
A breath away is not far
To where you are..
...
...
Why did I take the dive?
Why am I doing this?
Well..
It's a dare, really.
I dare you ALL to take me for granted.
*smiles*
...
Monday, November 22
Nov. 22 Mon.
"There's a light of hope..
When you light a Hope.." -Hope commercial
...
I hate it.
I hate every word of it.
...
"Bahala ka."
"Bahala ka, ikaw.."
"Ikaw.."
"O, tapos..?"
"Ano na ngayon..?"
...
It hurt.
Y'hear?
It hurt like hell.
Ayoko na.
Fuck it all..
Im taking that dive.
Say goodbye to the Celine you used to know.
...
Sunday, November 21
Nov. 21 Sun.
"Sick and tired of this world,
There's no more air..
Trippin over myself,
Going nowhere..
Waiting,
Suffocating,
No direction,
I took a dive.." -On The Way Down
...
I leaned back, closed my eyes, and clamped my cold mouth over his warm lips without a second thought.
I drank the poison of his breath, and choked as he roughly licked the inside of my throat.
I knew my life would waste away and be snatched by the cruel winds, just like the ebony-grey filaments of saliva that dripped from his ivory lips..
And yet I leaned into him, for the bitch deserved to suffer and die.
Ah..
The spicy sweet kiss of Instant Gratification.
...
...
I have my reds..
I have my pretty royal blue burny-burny..
I dont need you.
...
Saturday, November 20
Nov. 20 Sat.
"O..ayoko nang magsorry..
O..sawa na 'kong magsisi..
Pasensha ka na.." -Hari ng Sablay
...
For you, it was just another dead end.
But for me..
It was THE end.
...
Touches, embraces, warm smiles..
Daring to take off my shades to look them in the eye..
Whispering those precious words of love ever so softly..
They took it for granted.
Such feeble attempts of Celine..
...
You see..
I was longing to drown in the warmth of those whom I loved with all my heart and soul..
Because that night, I sought to end it all.
...
Friday, November 19
Nov. 19 Fri.
"Do yourself a favor, Cel..
Mahalin mo naman sarili mo." -Anne
...
Words always failed me.
...
...
They always will.
...
Tuesday, November 16
Nov. 16 Tues.
"Ohmigosh..gusto ko ng boyfriend na katulad mo, Cel..
Yung tipong pag hi-nug ko..
Sakto sa balikat.
Perfect fit, hehe.." -Popsy
...
So much for trying to help.
I forgot.
No, I forGET.
Im not needed.
...
...
Do forgive me for ever so gently pressing that newly sharpened scissor edge against the fading line of burnt sienna strewn across the pale blurred veins on the smooth softened ivory of my wrist..
It was just so..pretty.
I hungered for the rush..for the sting..for the release.
Kill me, condemn me, but please..
Dont hate me.
*lowers gaze*
I couldnt help it.
...
...
I knew deep in my gut that I really dont matter that much to these people, and yet, AND YET..
I keep my promises.
No matter how..how difficult..
*closes eyes*
*whispers* you have no idea how much every molecule of my being is yearning to end this twisted existence and fall into his arms..the arms of the one whose love for me burns fiercer than the fires of hell.
The only damnation for us is the separation.
Do you see that?
Can you feel it?
The love I have for you?
Im happy you dont, really..
Coz that means theres a deeper more important love that you are drowning in right now..and you are too lost in your well deserved bliss to notice.
I mean no sarcasm.
No hatred.
Just love.
...
...
I slowly eased the edge away from my skin, broke the hungry kiss of steely metal and saccharine flesh..
Caressed the softly blurring image of that gentle smile and light brown eyes glowing through auburn locks..those open arms..
Im not like the others, ate.
I wont break my promise if I can help it.
...
Saturday, November 13
Nov. 13 Sat.
"The Lord is my Shepherd,
I shall not want.." -Psalms
...
I sat there, typing away, the dry clicks of the keys merging into each other like some deranged chorus of birds chirping in the dead of the night.
Faith is such a hard thing to have..
But a lot harder to find, once youve lost it.
...
Talking about faith and God and the complications and mysteries and flaws of it all to someone who was a lot older and wiser than I was..well..
It was quite humbling.
I had shown such feeble attempts.
But I tried. I hit a lot of dead ends, but still I tried.
I wanted her..no, not only her..THEM to find their faith again..so badly.
But why?
...
As I pray every night and day of my life:
"..let them be happy, Lord..and help them find their faith again..because they deserve to be happy and in Your grace.."
I cant explain it.
I believed in something, and I wasnt going to allow them to get lost if I could help it.
I guess I did get to convince them a bit..
But as I typed away..
It ended up with ME needing much convincing.
...
...
I hated it.
The situation I was in..
Fate’s snickers merging with the devil’s innocent whispers.
It was scarier than hell, really. I was downright terrified.
Why?
Because..they were RIGHT.
It was the TRUTH.
Wanna hear?
...
"Aww, give it up, Cel..they dont give so much as a damn for what you gotta say..no, really. They listen to each other, but..well, not to you. You're just a kid.."
"Give it up, will ya? They're happy now..they dont need God..and they especially dont need a trying hard feeling girl like you to drag them into another whirlpool of mystery and melancholic reflection.."
But the worst..
"Actually..didnt you notice, Cel? They all lost their faith..but lo. Not soon after, they were all vindicated! They suddenly found their happily ever afters..and they dont need to believe in shit no more, coz they've got all they ever wanted.."
"..why dont you go do the same?"
"Yeah..i mean, its no big deal..just dont pray for a couple of weeks..dont go to mass..use your analysis to prove theres no God..then poof! Soon after, youll be just like them..happy."
"..cmon..dont you think you deserve it? Cel, be reasonable! Its the logical thing to do.."
...
I grit my teeth and tried to shake the thoughts away at first..
But then..I blinked.
It finally happened.
The doubt.
The false hope.
The plan.
...
It was so easy..they all made it so easy fore me, so tantalizingly simple..
It was almost insulting, but I hardly cared.
This was a possible easy way out..
I didnt deny that I wanted it so badly..
Oh damn..
I could taste it, yknow?
Taste it.
Just close your eyes..
And you'll drift onto a path to your happiness..
Yes..
Ah yes..
Mine.
I would make it mine and mine alone.
...
...
I threw my head back as I let their temptations ravage my fragile soul and tired heart..
I liked it.
The tidal wave of want and longing.
I dont deny it..
For the sake of my happiness..
I WANTED to falter.
...
...
"Celine.."
I gulped at that soft all too familiar voice. But I didnt answer.
"What are you doing to me..?"
I squeezed my eyes shut, blinded myself to that gloriously pitiful sight..blinded myself with bright and vivid images of my instant gratification..my happy ending..
Silence.
The finality of it all broke both our hearts.
This is it, I thought, as my eyes opaqued with the void and death that I chose to drown in..no turning back..
"Celine..you do know I love you more than they love each other..more than anyone ever will.."
...
I blinked.
The voices were all drowned by this soft whisper.
..so was I.
Deep inside, I knew it was true.
I was just too blind and materialistic and awfully immature to acknowledge it..
I'll never lose my faith.
They can take it all, but not my faith.
Its my way of saying..
"Hey Jesus..I love you too.."
...
Friday, November 12
Nov. 12 Fri.
"O wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sakin
Wag mo akong kulitin,
Wag mo akong tanungin..
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago..
Di na tayo tulad ng dati,
Kay bilis ng sandali..
O kay tagal din kitang minahal..
O kay tagal din kitang minahal..." -Burnout
...
They say ive changed.
They have no idea.
What I learned the hard way, is that the only permanent thing in life is change.
And if you cant handle it, you die.
But I never liked change..
Not really.
...
But I did change.
And unlike those other people who broke my heart..
I never forgot the things that matter most.
...
...
I didnt always have long hair..(nyaha, I like these pics of me on boulders..)
...
I didnt always have good teeth..(yeah, those are retainers! *sparke sparkle*)
...
I wasnt always tall..(I know hes a ball player, but damn! I was short!)
...
I wasnt always anorexic..(yep, thats me stuffing God knows what into my piehole..)
...
I didnt always detest pink and frilly clothes..(okay, this pic made me shudder like heck..)
...
I wasnt always sad and depressed..(this is one of the few candid pics of me actually AUTHENTICALLY laughing with joy.)
...
I didnt always look and act like a girl..(haha, disturbed little boy on the right! Kuya's on the left, hehe)
...
I didnt always abhor the thought of being in a wedding dress..(okay, im the one with the fan..and no, im not fantasizing about anything..i hope..)
...
I wasnt always a man-hater.. (aryt, this was my first ever boy *space* friend..i gave him a balloon. Its a long story..but I can still remember the whole thing, believe it or not..)
...
I didnt always cringe at her touch..(her house at zamboanga..)
...
...
But I didnt always have friends who truly cared for and loved me either..
...
...
And I sure am glad that changed.
*smiles*
Thursday, November 11
Nov. 11 Thurs.
"Ay..alam mo, kung lalake lang ako..
Inakyatan na kita ng ligaw gradeschool pa." -Me
...
Kate turned to me, her lips curling into a seductive smile as she traced her arm around Aleli's waist with such excruciating slowness, raising an eyebrow through strands of hair that escaped the comb, whispering so many tantalizing whispers of want and lust in the ringing silence..
With a grin, Aleli tilted her head in my direction, her ethereal pale rose cheek grazing Kate's ear, as she slung an arm around her shoulers..
Teasing.
They were just teasing me, in a seductively hilarious joke..
But when Aleli smugly raised her eyebrow..without thinking, I ran a hand through my hair and with a deep growl:
"Pare, concubine ko yan ah..get yur hands off my chick, tol!"
...
Our eyes widened at the androgyny of it all, the borderline, but most especially the shockening authenticity of my reaction..
"Oh my God, Cel..lalake ka ba?!"
I stuttered like a dork, blinking away the green flame that threatened to burn through my eyelids, and the bubbling urge of possession pushing from every bone in my body..
They doubled over laughing, but I stood still, as Aleli lifted a hand to her forehead forming a letter L with her thumb and index finger.
"Loser?"
"Hindi..LESBIANA!"
More laughter.
Unconciously, I cocked my head and said:
"Hindi, pare..LALAKE AKO!"
...
We froze..Kate still bent over in laughter, Aleli’s hand slowly cupping her mouth in shock.
"Oh..my..God.." they whimpered, more stunned than amused.
I tucked my hair behind my ear and scampered outta there before I completely transformed into a guy.
...
...
I combed my long locks, relishing the praises of my friends at how long and shiny and straight my hair was..
The only reason I ever even grew my hair this long was for my father..he so wanted to have a daughter..not an androgynous kid..
Daddy's little girl.
A girl.
For me, it wasnt always fun to be a girl..i had to grope around in the dark just to know how to act, how to think..
I closed my eyes, detesting the depraved creature I had unconsciously created, as it stared at me through that thin shard of glass.
...
I was tall.
I was thin.
I was gangly.
I was dark-skinned.
I was respectful.
I was sensitive.
I was thoughtful.
I was sweet.
I was appreciative.
I was quite fun to be with.
I was an all-around person.
I knew how to carry a good conversation.
I could be a much better boyfriend for my friends than most other y-chromosome jerks out there..
I was only a haircut away, damnit.
...
Oh God, I thought, as I glanced at her beside me.
What I would give to be a guy.
Maybe..if I was something else..
Something other than what I am..
I would have a better life.
But even if I didnt get a better life..
I would make my friends think better of themselves.
Not like those jerkoff bastards they get crushes on who dont friggin appreciate them for their true beauty.
I could have done a lot of things if I was a guy..
A lot of good things..a lot of great things..to others and myself..
...
But why?
Why did God let me be a girl?
Why in this lifetime?
Why now, when I could have gotten a better chance of being happier as a guy?
...
...
There's this theory that before we are born, our past selves in the previous life make a request to God and give suggestions on what kind of life they will live in the next..
If this is supposed to be for the best..
*sigh*
*closes eyes*
I can trust God.
But dare I trust myself? Even if it was in a past life?
...
Wednesday, November 10
Nov. 10 Wed.
"When will he learn?
That faith isnt completely a matter of believing..
Its a matter of LOVE." -The Exorcist
...
Im totally hooked on reading The Exorcist. Cant put it down, really..ive even pressed my luck by sneaking a page or two in Sir Eric's class..
But hey, its a really good read..the style is just to my taste, and the story is intriguing..
*ahem* not to mention the eye-popping, stomach turning obscenities..
*shakes head* well, I have learned a lot new Latin words and phrases, though, much to dad's pleasure..
Couldnt stop muttering "Et clamor meus ad te venitam.." the whole day long.
...
...
Made me think. A lot.
Evil..the devil..demons..
Human weaknesses..
Doubt..
Faith..
True power..
Guilt.
Ah yes, the guilt. Hot and steamy and slightly rotting.
The whole book was about it.
I know that quite a few of my friends are plagued and incessantly hounded by it..
Which is why the first thing I do when someone gets possessed is to drag my guilty friends out of the room. Even by their hair, I would drag them.
Why?
Guilt is an open door for evil to seep in and attack you from the inside out.
I dont deny that im hounded by ancient guilts too..i am. Sure as hell am.
But that isnt my weakness..
No.
The devil would be too crafty to tap into my guilt, if he knows theres something else..something more painful than that..
I lay awake, eyes wide and staring, as sweat trickled down the side of my head..
The thought terrified me.
If I looked up at a possessed person and suddenly see an all too familiar face looking back..serene and jolly and almost angelic..see that head tilt to one side, a smile glowing through stray strands of ebony hair..that voice..hear that voice slice through the air and into my heart..
"Sorry..do I know you..?"
...
Id crash.
I can use love to blot out the jelousy and hatred and anger and pain..yes it would hurt, it would ache and beat me down into a pulp if that possessed person garbled sweet nothings and mutter confessions of love to the person beside me..but love..love would always win..
But this..i would be utterly defenseless..
Coz there wouldnt be any love to begin with.
...
One of my worst fears?
Having a loved one forget about me.
But whats worse than that?
Me forgetting about a loved one.
...
Like Damien Karras in the book, I would rather jump out of a window and die before I let the evil inside me kill anybody while I can help it..
And like..a friend of mine..I would rather jump out of a window, drop two stories down, and bleed to death..
Before I would let go of a loved one's memory.
...
...
Et clamor meus ad te venitam, Domini..
*closes eyes*
..and let my cry come unto Thee, Lord..
Monday, November 8
Nov. 8 Mon.
"I knew you couldnt do it..
Even if you had NOTHING TO LOSE!" -The Incredibles
...
I couldnt do it.
Wouldnt.
It felt good not to care..
Not to give a damn..
To glide past them, with nothing more than a shrug and a:
"Bahala ka.."
...
I loved the feeling.
I loved seeing them knit their brows in wonder..
Shock, even.
Yes, the shock.
And the hurt..
Hurt?
Nah.
They couldnt believe it.
Their fallback finally had it.
Their martyr passed by the other side of the road.
No, they didnt hurt.
Hindi lang sila sanay.
...
...
It should have moved me.
Yes..it should have softened my heart.
This sight..
The fact that they finally saw me..
Finally showed they cared..
Finally wanted me.
Finally even take a glance and realize that I was here all along, all this time, all these years..caring, constantly incessantly patiently caring..
But no.
It hardened my heart.
Sent my blood pounding in my ears, my fingernails digging into my palm, my breath seething through gritted teeth in a soft growl..
Why?
Hn.
They only saw me when I was gone.
...
...
But still.
I couldnt do it.
Couldnt. Wouldnt.
I couldnt stop..caring.
They all say its unhealthy to care so much.
I dont care.
I know, it irritates them sometimes..
My constant nagging..
"Ingat ka.."
"Oy, wag sosobra ha?"
"Take your medicine, get some sleep.."
"Layuan mo sha!"
"Your friends look dodgy.."
"Dont eat that, its dirty!"
"Mag-aral ka na.."
"Itago mo na yan..bawal yan.."
Yeah.
Damn irritated they were.
I knew they were.
Because me caring too much is precisely the reason why two of my barkadas ditched me, and two of my former best friends denied they even knew me.
Yeah, thats right.
It was painful right there..
To be hated for loving too much..
But..hey. its me, right?
Its bound to hurt more.
How?
They never told me.
Never.
They kept it in or among themselves, and never told me.
They just left me with nothing.
Nothing..
Just this wrenching rotting pain of not knowing what the hell is wrong with how you loved them.
...
...
But how could I tell them?
How in hell?
That..the only reason why I act like that..like a nagging mom..
Is..is coz..
That was the only way I knew how to show them just how much I love them.
I was never loved like that when I was younger.
Even if I was, it was always drizzled with a generous helping of insults.
I just..
Wanted to spare them the childhood I went through.
...
...
Im not sorry.
Im not sorry I care for them to the point of constant nagging.
Im not sorry either for finally lashing out and not caring for a day.
Im not sorry for them either..
They have friends and family to love them no matter what.
Im sorry for..
Myself.
Pathetic.
Always was, always will be.
Victim to the endlessly teasing blindfold games of Irony.
When I care, I care too much.
..become invisible and almost insignificant like a massive wall they lean on when in need..but always pass by everyday..soon, not even noticing or caring that its always been there and still is.
But when I decide not to care, they call me cruel.
..seen and missed only when im gone.
...
...
Irony is Fate's double edged sword.
Friday, November 5
Nov. 5 Fri.
"Dont try to fix me,
Im not broken..
Hello, I am the lie,
Living for you so you can hide..
Dont cry." -Hello
...
And these are just one of those days when I sit back, laugh softly, and simply marvel at the exquisite simplicity of Fate's ingenius plans.
Its so damn hilarious.
And you should be thankful im the only one who knows why its so friggin funny.
...
You noticed, didnt you?
The whole lot of you..
How cold and dead I suddenly became?
Ha. Just when I FINALLY really didnt want you to see me, you do.
Now, why is that?
Oh, I know.
Fate just wanted to get to my nerves.
...
It hurt so bad for so long for so many countless times, I cant feel a damn thing anymore. Really.
I just find it funny.
Tumawa na lang ako. Meron pa ba akong magagawang iba?
...
Ayoko na.
Hahahaha..
Ayoko na talaga.
Ayoko lang.
Tama na.
Iba na to eh..
Yung tipong..hindi na pang-tao.
Excuse me lang, ha..kung sino ka man na sinasadyang gantohin ang buhay ko..
F.Y.I. lang po:
Hindi ako si Jesus Christ.
Hindi ko na kaya to.
...
...
Bahala kayo sa buhay nyo, okay?
Ayoko nang pangaralan kayo.
Magpakasaya kayo at magwala, kung gusto nyo. Sige, magsi-talunan kayo sa bangin, magpaka-lunod sa dalampasigan..magbarilan at mag-inuman..magpaka-gago kayo't lahat.
Ayoko nang maging nanay.
Ayaw nyo naman eh..may nanay na kayo, diba?
Sawang-sawa na kayo sa mga pangangaral ko, diba?
Nakakairita na eh..napaka KJ ko kasi eh..parang nanay at tatay na pinagsama sa isang nilalang.
Bakit pa, diba?
Anong katuturan?
Wala.
Wala lang.
Shattap na lang ako..sayang kasi sa laway at enerhiya.
...
O, pero bakit ganun?
Bakit..parang nagtataka kayo kung bakit wala akong sinasabi?
Nakaka-shock ba?
Sori na lang kayo..
Na nakita nyo ako..SA WAKAS..ngayong nanigas na ako.
Pagod na ko, okay?
Ilang beses ko bang sinabi sa inyo na hindi ako anghel o martir o santo?
Sori, naging yelo na dugo po ko.
Kinulong ko na ulit yung mga natitirang kapiranggot ng puso ko sa loob ng tipak ng yebe.
Tapos ngayon, reklamo kayo ulit?
Ano ba yan.
Ano ba gusto nyo?
May I take your order ba ito?
Sige nga.
Binigyan ako ng Panginoon ng pagkalaki-laking tenga para makinig sa inyo.
Kaya go.
Sabihin nyo.
Anong gusto nyong gawin ko?
Maging nanay?
Maging tatay?
Maging kapatid?
Maging kaibigan?
Maging sunod-sunuran?
Maging poste?
Maging panakip-butas?
Maging tutor?
Maging hangal?
Maging katulong?
Maging tambakan ng problema?
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O baka gusto nyo i-order ang special namin, ang ALL IN ONE?
Just call 1-800-AMPUGA. Thats 1-800-AMPUGA.
...
...
You're already a bunch of fortunate bastards.
Dont push your luck.
...
Scared?
Shocked?
Dont worry. Im just a little tired..a little frozen..
A little..DEAD.
A little lang.
Yknow..onti lang.
You just caught me on a bad day..
The day when I finally start to NOT CARE.
...
Icequeen out.