Tuesday, June 22
Jun. 22 Tues.
"AY! ANDAMI KO NANG NALALAMAN!!!" -giselle
The barkada knows.
And they didn't take it lying down.
Oh boy, it was like having 7 overprotective fathers surrounding you like bodyguards.
*smirk* Gotta love 'em for loving me so much.
Everytime she'd pass by and wave hello, they would pull me closer, and turn my head to the other direction. They would distract me with spontaneous remarks, and lead me away from where she is. They'd surround me, and make me sit or walk between them, so as not to be cornered by her.
They said I had to let go.
And I claimed that I already have...
I loved them for what they were doing, for looking out for me...for being so concerned about my fragile mind and heart...but they had to stop this...they should stop taking me away from her...
I couldn't make them understand...she was still my friend. Even though I fell in love with her, and she didn't, and it broke what's left of my heart... She was still my friend, and she needed me. And I wanted to be there for her...even as just a friend.
*Because I couldn't possibly be more to her than that.*
At lunch, Giselle told me something I'd never forget:
"Celine, it's a sickness. And...we're just trying to make sure you don't get sick again...coz you can't say if you'll give in again. Love is weird...malay mo..."
I slumped over on the table. At the corner of my eye, I saw her pass by. She took one look at me, and went over. She tried to comfort me, and I wanted to answer her with a reassuring "I'm okay"...but to no avail. Probation. I opened my mouth, and Giselle came over, carrying her lunch, and exclaimed:
"AY! ANDAMI KO NANG NALALAMAN!!!"
I stifled a laugh.
I wanted to hug my friends for all I was worth. Wow...they love me this much...
...
At dismissal, we were climbing the stairs right above Sr. Ruel's office. We were closely packed together, and was right behind each other. Suddenly, Anne - who was in front of me - suddenly stopped. I bumped into her bag, and nearly fell backwards down the steps.
me: "O, what happened?! What's wrong?!"
anne: "Ay...guys..." *looks at them*
them: *looks ahead* "Ay..."
nica: *holds my chin* *makes me turn to her* "Celine...look at me!"
me: *confused stare* "What the..." *looks up*
giselle: *suddenly turns around at us* "GUYS! I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY!"
me: *looks at her* "Wha?"
giselle: "UMM...AS I WAS SAYING KANINA, THE...YOU KNOW-" *says incoherent sentences*
me: *looks past giselle* *sees HER slowly walking by* "Oh..."
them: *blocks my view*
(pause)
myka: "O, yan, okay na..."
us: *proceeds walking*
At the multi, she was standing by the gate where we were going to pass by. Upon seeing her, my berks surrounded me, clung on to my arms, and quickly led me away from her in a chattering bunch.
myka: "Sinusundan ka ata, o..."
When I dropped my bags, I couldn't help it. It just came out:
me: "Ang wirdo nyo!!!"
(pause)
them: *stops dead* *slowly turns to me* "KAMI PA ANG WIRDO?!"
giselle: "Anne! Tayo pa daw yung wirdo, o!"
me: *blink*
After a while, she passed by again, and gave me a cheery hello. I wanted to shout a hello back, but...my berks already saw, and were quickly leading me away. I could only look over my shoulder as I saw her hand, still up in the air, waving at me. When I didn't wave back, her hand dropped slowly, and a confused, almost hurt expression came over her face.
I mouthed an "I'm sorry!"...then closed my eyes.
I hate Fate.
...
I tried once again to smile. It was harder than ever, being stuck in a situation wherin I was torn between my friend and my barkada. I wanted to break down and scream. I gripped the tiny yellow post-it note I had in my pocket. A tiny paper, for such big words. I wanted to give it to her, but she was already long gone...
I walked up to the trash can. I stretched out my hand, delicately holding the paper with two fingers. *No hope, anyway...* After a few moments, something drifted into my mind. *Maybe...maybe there's still hope... Hope is always there...you just need to see it. Hold on to it, Celine...* And I did. I placed it in my palm and gently closed my hand. I turned around, and...
There she was, walking by. She hasn't gone home yet after all...
...
Hand to hand,
Palm to palm,
Fingertip to fingertip,
Soul to soul.
For these two -
Who shared such a connection...
There were no words.
...
*closes eyes*
...I'm sorry.
Pero putragis. Di pa rin kita iiwan.
...