Wednesday, December 29
Dec. 29 Wed.
"Fear of rejection.
Kept my love inside..
But time is running out,
So damn my foolish pride.
...
I don't care if you think im crazy,
It doesn't matter if it turns out bad..
I've got no fear of losing you..
You cant lose what you never had." -Cant Lose What You Never Had
...
Hay, iba na to.
Ibaon nyo na ako sa impyerno.
Now na!
...
*growls*
grabe..
isa akong dakilang duwag..
DUWAG!
Pero bakit?
Bakit??
So what kung pareho kaming naka-black, may silver pendants, at mahilig sa evanescence, linkin park, metallica, at slapshock?
So what kung pareho kaming freak sa mortal kombat, marvel versus capcom, at resident evil?
So what kung pareho kami mahilig sa goth, death, rock, at vampires?
So what kung pareho kaming tomadero?
SO WHAT KUNG PEREHO KAMING SADO-MASOCHIST?!
...
Nanigas po ako.
Natameme.
Na-istar struck.
Ampota.
"May sasabihin sayo si Celine."
"Okay. Okay lang ba sayo na.."
"na..?"
"N-na..uh..er.. ganda ng necklace mo! San mo nabili yan?"
...
Damn this.
I wish I was a guy.
I wish I never broke my 8-year old pact.
I wish I was still a friggin man-hater, dammit!
I dare not hope..
And yet..
And yet..
Maybe.
Maybe this time..
I'll ask him January 3.
*smiles*
...
Tuesday, December 28
Dec. 28 Tues.
"No thanks..
I’ll dig myself out." -Sop
...
I needed a break.
From all the trials, tests, insults, teases, burns, doubts, and fears.
Kahit isang gabi lang.
Pills are for dweebs, and I gave my word not to do anything else.
Great.
...
Its hard to escape.
Its a lot harder to escape when you care.
I should really make up my mind.
...
You dont understand, do you?
As you hold your lover's hand,
Eat the food your mother cooks,
Bashfully deny the praises you receive..
Its not fair..
No, its never fair.
...
There is consolation in the solstice of winter..
No pain, no joy..
No past, no future..
Only the frozen memories that you have kept,
That will never thaw with time, nor spring.
...
I do it for you, dont I?
You, you, and you.
All of you.
Its not really about me, its about you.
You need me..
Like the year needs the winter,
Like a class needs a comic relief,
Like a barkada needs its stoic member,
Like a rose needs its thorns,
Like a haystack needs its needle,
Like a painting needs its solitary flaw.
Yeah, im tired of it.
Im tired of being the "has to be" just to complete your picture, your feeling, your conscience..
Try it sometime.
You'll feel your self-worth hit rock bottom.
...
...
I have dreams too, you know..
Such beautiful dreams.
You cannot even start to imagine.
God probably gave me a tiny gem of salvation..
Like a suicide pill..
My imagination.
...
When the feelings merge and mold and melt into one big glob that rots my body and soul from the inside out..
When the touches and kisses burn every nerve, and push me to the brink of insanity..
When the irony plunges into my heart and slices it with every single lub-dub as I fight to stay alive..
When the alcohol burns my lips, and lulls me to tantalizing unreachable sleep..
When the hot smoke grips my throat and grazes the inner walls of my lungs..
When the cold metal sears my skin and overshadows the emotional pain..
When the dry click of the safety lever drowns out all good memories..
I fall into my own mind..
To sweet escape.
...
My imagination is the most precious gift I use for myself.
I have lived inside my own world for three quarters of my sixteen years.
Its only a matter of time when I learn not to snap back to reality.
...
...
I learned something new today.
I can have my break while still doing normal everyday things.
Its all about my eyes.
*grin*
I can slip on a new sheet of reality; shielding my own soul from the world, while seeing everything in its blurred chaos.
...
I tried it out on my brother.
"Kuya, tingnan mo mata ko. Im gonna do something with my eyes, then tell me what you observe."
"Okay.."
I close my eyes..
Relax..
Then..
Open.
"Wala namang nagbago ah.."
"Look deeper."
"Oh..my..gosh.."
I grin.
"Shit, Cel..parang..parang nag-darken mata mo.."
"Talaga? Kewl."
"Not kewl. Its like.. you lost your soul.."
...
I went around, holding the soulless look best I could..
People passed by.
But the few who really did look closely stopped and turned..then sped away.
I didnt care.
I could hardly see them..
And they didnt see me.
...
Your dark side is centered around Pain. You feel
you want to scream and cry, want to leave this
place and run away from everything but you
can't, you are trapped inside your head and
there is no way out. All you want is a
beautiful unique mind just like you, can listen
and understand so you can full your world with
happiness and peace. You will find what you
want when you simplify your life and stop
looking to the dark side.
What is the center of your dark core? (updated)
brought to you by Quizilla
...
See me..
See me now.
Monday, December 27
Dec. 27 Mon.
"Wake up, Cel.." -Dude
...
I dont remember opening my eyes, or what was the first thing I saw when I did.
Was it the pillow? The window? The door? The wall? The ceiling?
No, I dont remember.
...
I dont remember what it was that I so feverishly prepped up for today, or why our ref is stacked up with snacks and soda.
I dont remember why I didnt bother opening the message on my cel.
I dont..really remember..
...
I dont remember how and when I plugged in the internet cord, or why I clicked the close button after scrolling down on a blog.
It was mildly confusing..
But I dont remember.
...
...
I asked my dad, and he says its stress that was making me forget the names of the crushes of my friends, and the useless homework given by Sir Eric.
Stress?
Maybe.
...
I found out what was making me forget.
I caught myself involuntarily and absent mindedly talking to myself, shaking my head and mumbling a low:
IT DOESNT MATTER.
Then it registered. That was it.
Dad said it was an extraordinary and handy gift. I could consciously analyze and categorize the information I aquired, and make myself forget the ones I considered trivial and useless.
And all I had to do was mumble a soft "It doesnt matter.." and wait for the command to register, then gently delete the memory.
Its handy most of the time, especially when I really needed an escape from the memories..
But it kinda irritates my friends, coz they always have to remind me about those little things.
...
...
I found myself mumbling "it doesnt matter"s all day, careful to be gentle and firm and relaxed with the command, and not twitchy and fidgety with the memory I so wanted to get rid of.
Damn, the day was full of em.
I sank into the incredibly soft mound of blankets and pillows on my bed, with my mind softly buzzing and drifting with the unfamiliar avoidance of painful memories..
I filled my mind with images of my dreams and desires as vivid as possible, giving in to temptation just for the night..
Dreams and desires?
I had only one.
And no, I would not let him wake me up again.
I would rather hold on to a dream forever than to live a pointless nightmare.
Did I dream?
I didnt have to.
...
*Surrender*
The Calling
So here we are, all alone..
As the wine makes you mine for the night.
Soft is the way that you feel,
And hard is the way that we breathe..
In, out, we're moving
Along with the dirt on the floor..
I know what I lack is devotion..
And I cant fight this off anymore.
We'll go surrender to the night,
We wont look back at our lives..
And when you sleep, I'll be there -
To kiss your lips, to breathe your air;
Right or wrong, it must go on -
After this night, we'll leave it all behind.
Two hearts beat as one,
As I open my eyes..
Well, do you want me to keep going?
Cause I have already come all undone..
We'll go surrendering to our lives..
When you sleep, I'll be there -
To kiss your lips, to breathe your air;
Right or wrong, it cant go on -
After this night, we'll leave it all behind.
But im still feeling drawn to you - in my dreams, so it seems.
The man in me always gets his way,
Never pays for what he's done..
I need you now, love, love, love..
I crave you now, love, love, love..
...
I know its bad, but I really do hate her, and she deserves to burn in hell..
And heck..
It felt so damn good.
...
Sunday, December 26
Dec. 26 Sun.
"And I found out
that we're all breaking hearts -
that we're all broken hearts..
...
If only love could find us all,
If only hearts didnt have to fall..
We cant mislead to make things right,
So instead we'll sleep alone tonight." -If Only
...
Family reunion.
There were glitches, excuses, delays, raised voices, and rumbling stomachs.
But hey, it wasnt all bad.
...
We stocked the Revo with lola Miling's famous mind-blowing food, and drove to my cousins’ new house at Bikutan.
Regine and I had some catching up to do, and her little brothers were all scurrying around as usual, occasionally breaking and fiddling and rewinding things and cds.
Tita Gigi was inhumanly friendly as she always was, and cracked jokes every so often, making me miss and wonder..wonder..
But I stopped that immediately, when Regine-s other cousins arrived.
...
yeah, my heart was hammering in my chest.
I knew they were gonna come over, and I knew what I felt a year before didnt have to matter..
But he grew much taller than last year - still a bit lanky and hunchback like me; his voice was a few octaves deeper and smoother, and he was quiet and brooding and polite; and when he spoke, he spoke with respect and substance and humility; and when I stole glances, I saw him laugh and wrestle with the antics of Chris and Angelo, tickling them and smiling in triumph.
He was in third year too..
So yeah, I guess it did matter.
For that one day, I let it matter.
...
...
Us cousins pretty much just hung out in the entertainment room, putting up with the noise and babble of the younger kids, as they ran and played around, playing, pausing, rewinding, and replaying countless scenes from Shrek 2.
We chose to eat outside, awkwardly trying to raise conversations; the fact that I drank a can of cold shandy and a glass of red wine wasnt helping..
But thankfully, we finished fast and went with the gift giving.
Regine and I gawked at our almost exactly similar shirts from Tita Susan - orange collared blouses - but chose to pull them on and model around the house, much to the amusement of pretty much everybody.
...
There were a couple of things that really cracked me up that day, and one of them was us watching Bruce Almighty, and the other was the fact that all throughout the party, there was this neighbor kid who wandered into the open gate and doors, and pretty much made himself at home in the house.
Kuya: *sees the kid walk around* "O! Kaninong anak yan?!"
Me: *eyes widen* "K-kuya..r-regine.." *points to the kid* "..multo ba yan..?"
Them: *laughs their heads off*
Regine: "Er..i think its the neighbor..kalaro nina Angelo.."
Kid: *picks up a toy helicopter from the floor* *looks around*
Me: *points to the helicopter control* "Ayun o."
Kid: *grins* *picks up the control* *proceeds playing around*
Me: *returns watching the movie*
Them: *confused stares* *laughs*
I honestly wanted to get to know Regine’s cousins a lot more, since they were our cousins too. They were a nice crowd, and quite witty like their dad.
JC was the eldest, Jerome the second, and Janine the youngest. Although we were quite awkward to each other, we bonded even just a little through watching TV, palying around, and raiding the pantry for snacks, hehe.
Jerome said "Thank you.." out loud to me when I shared my food with them, and that was very touching..since he was deaf and couldnt really talk. I smiled back, wishing so badly that I learned how to do sign language..
...
We left all too soon, waving our goodbyes and me being crushed once again with my family and its endless inquisition about my prom and escort, and I could only shake my head at the thought that JC was gonna be crushed next right after we pulled out of the driveway..
*Time was stolen from us* I thought, as I looked at my brother sleeping beside me. There were several very crucial years that were taken away from us because of the damn family problems, depriving us of time..precious time..of bonding and growing with our family and cousins.
I wished I could have known them better, sooner, longer..
But I was thankful that Christmas brought us - and kept us - together.
...
...
"Dont worry, Marie.." I sighed, as her tiny glassy eyes took one long gaze at me, then slapped me away, whimpering in protest..
"Its alright..coz if I were you.." I whispered, letting my eyes stare blankly into the space before me..
"I'd hate me too."
...
You are a dark girl. You have a really quiet and
really a i dont' care attitude. You like to be
alone and that is what you enjoy. You don't
like to be around others and you'd rather be
away from here. You have a get away from me
look and others find you bitchy and
self-rigious. You'd rather read than be at a
fair but that's ok because that's who you are.
Who are you inside????? (LOTS OF RESULTS)girls only
brought to you by Quizilla
Saturday, December 25
Dec. 25 Sat.
"I wanna heal, I wanna feel
what I thought was never real,
I wanna let go of the pain I felt so long,
Erase all the pain till its gone..
I wanna heal I wanna feel
Like im close to something real;
I wanna find something I wanted all along..
Somewhere I belong.." -Somewhere I Belong
...
I wanted to go somewhere..
Anywhere..
Just out of my skin.
...
I know others have it worse than me and they get along well..
But please dont compare.
Coz unlike them, im going HERE *points to the scroll down button*
Happy bithday, Jesus..
I love You.
And unlike them..
I dare to love You.
...
The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Seventh Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:Level Score Purgatory (Repenting Believers) Very High Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers) Moderate Level 2 (Lustful) Moderate Level 3 (Gluttonous) Very Low Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious) Very Low Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy) Low Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics) Very Low Level 7 (Violent) Very High Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers) Moderate Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous) Very Low
Take the Dante's Inferno Hell Test
...
I only ask one thing from You..
That You please..
Please..
Dont expect so much from me..
Im not.. strong.
...
Friday, December 24
Dec. 24 Fri.
"And I see you standing there,
wanting more from me..
and all I can do is
..try..
try.." -Try
...
"Do you love Me?"
"Yes.."
...
"How about now?"
"..."
...
...
"Kids, kinausap ko na siya."
"And..?"
"Tapos..?"
"Hindi na daw kayo matutuloy."
"YES!"
"YAY!"
"Basahin nyo tong mga text message."
I really want them here, pero if you insist, kailangan din maging practical..
I received the money already, thanks..
"Dad, anong ibig sabihin nito..?"
"Dad, di ko gets.."
"Binigay ko na lang yung airfare nyo sa kanya."
"Thanks dad..ha. siguradong matatahimik siya dun."
"..."
...
"O, okey ka lang, Celine..?"
"Huy..anong problema mo?"
"O, hinay lang sa pagsubo! ..hoy, okay ka lang..?"
"Celine, ano ba.."
"Magsalita ka nga!"
...
"M-magkano yung airfare..?"
"For both of you, 8,000 pesos. Bakit?"
"Wala lang po.."
"Anong wala lang..?"
"Uh..wala lang. Kuya, paki pasa naman yung salad..ang sarap, noh? Shempre, gawa ni lola! Da best, hahaha!"
...
...
Ang bilis..
Ang bilis magbago ng isip..
Ang bilis um-oo sa pera..
"Dollars, or your daught-"
"DOLLARS!"
...
I see You standing there, God, and I know You're asking another world-full of love from me..
And all I have to do is try.
Try.
But I sat in a corner instead, and thought of the things that 4,000 pesos could buy.
...
Wednesday, December 22
Dec. 22 Wed.
"Another child, another soul grabs a hold
to the metal that will end his misery.." -One By One
...
We were driving along the roads of Aurora, and I looked out my window and saw a little black puppy chained to a heavy metal sign along the roadside.
He was running around, twisting and biting, and winding in and out the crevices of the metal sign in a desperate attempt to escape..
Only to end up tangled even tighter.
If he had waited a bit longer for his owner, he wouldnt have choked himself to death.
...
Behold..
God speaks.
All those who have ears, listen the fuck up.
That includes you, Cel.
...
Monday, December 20
Dec. 20 Mon.
"Think happy thoughts..
Happy thoughts..
Just..just..
Think..
Happy..
Happy thoughts..
..and you'll be fine..
everything..
will be fine." -Me
...
...
Its hard to think coherently when your blood is boiling.
Simmering..
Scalding the inner walls of every vein..
Minsan lang ako magalit.
Pero kung ako nagalit..
Impyerno't langit ang katapat mo.
...
...
"Gusto daw niya pumunta kayo doon. Kahit two overnight lang.."
Patlang.
"Dad, may plate pa ako na gagawin at site development plan..
at contrary sa katalinuhan na suggestion ni tita Connie, hindi ko yun kayang tapusin in two days.
Papalakpakan ko sha kung kaya nya yun in two days."
Palakpak.
Patlang.
"Celine, ikaw?"
"Umupo ka nga nang maayos, huwag kang nakahiga diyan na parang wala lang itong pinag-uusapan natin.."
Patlang.
Patlang.
Patlang.
"Ayoko."
...
...
Katahimikan.
Buntong-hininga.
"Bakit ayaw mo?"
"Meron akong limang projects due on January 3."
"Lima?"
"Yes."
Uga ng upuan.
"See dad? Hindi po naming kayang pumunta doon..
mashadong maraming trabaho po kaming dalawa..
and besides..
Mas gugustuhin namin dito lang."
...
Kalabit ng orasan.
"Kids..kailangan kayong pumunta.
Kahit anong gawin niyo, kamag-anak nyo pa rin sila.
Sisisihin tayo nila kapag may nangyari sa lola ninyo within the year, tapos hindi man lang kayo dumalo."
Tunog ng pagpikit ng mata.
"Dad, hindi na nga nya ako maalala eh!
Wala siyang kilalang Anton!
At nag-aagawan lang naman sila sa mana ni lola eh."
Tahimik na pagtawa.
"kahit na..
im taking the initative to keep our connections open..
kahit na ba..
ganun ang nangyari sa atin..
kadugo pa rin natin sila.
Kailangan kayong magpakita doon. Kailangan."
Patlang.
Lunok.
"Basta heto ang rules ko.
Kaya ko lang ang 8,000 pesos."
Kagat ng labi.
"Kahit na gipit tayo sa pera..
Since kakabayad ko pa lang ng tuition ni Celine,
At kakabayad ng tutorials ni Anton..
Kailangan talaga.
Ang kaya ko lang ay either:
One: kalahati ng bayad for both of you, tapos sila na magbabayad ng kalahati..pero hinding hindi ako papayag na mag-C130 kayo. Kahit na mas mura yun, mashadong delikado.
Or Two: isang roundtrip sa ISA sa inyo.
Siyempre si Anton, kasi girl si Celine..at hindi ako komportable na mag-isa lang siya.."
Pagdurog ng ngipin.
Tahimik na paggaragal sa loob ng lalamunan:
"Im one half girl."
Patlang.
...
Katahimikan.
"O..anong say nyo?
Gusto na nila kayo makita..
At miss na miss na daw niya kayo."
Patlang.
"Pera lang ang gusto niya."
"Anton, huwag kang ganyan.
Mahal niya kayo.
Kaya sige na..
Pumunta na kayo."
Patlang.
Buntong hininga.
"Okay.
Walang choice eh."
Patlang.
"O, Celine..
anong say mo?"
Patlang.
Patlang.
Patlang.
Mahinang pag-iyak ng isang bata:
"Bumalik ka na..
bumalik ka na, please?
Gagawin ko lahat..
I'll be anything you want me to be..
Do anything you want me to do..
Basta bumalik ka na..
Please..
Please..?
Sige na, please..
Hindi na ko iiyak..
Magpapakabait na ko..
Sige na..
Maawa ka na..
P-please..?
M..
Ma..
Mmhh.."
Patlang.
Paggitgit ng ngipin.
Pagkulo ng dugo.
Paghiwa ng kuko sa palad.
Pagpikit ng mata.
Nanginginig na bulong:
"Ayoko."
...
"Ano ba?!
Bakit ayaw mo??"
Patlang.
"Wala lang.."
"Anong wala lang?!
Hindi pwede ang wala lang!"
Basang tunog ng pagsalpak ng pilik-mata sa mga luha.
"Okay fine.."
Pagpunit ng mga tuyong labi sa isang nanginginig na ngiti.
"Basta..
basta wag nyo lang ako ididikit kay Anjo!
Sobrang wirdo na nya, eh!"
Basag na pagtawa.
"Totoo bang may relasyon sha sa unan nya?!"
"Oo kaya! Sobrang creepy!"
Pagkamatay ng tawa.
"Okay then.
Its arranged."
Patlang.
Patlang.
Patlang.
Pagpindot ng mga butones sa celphone.
Tunog ng pagtakas.
...
...
dahan-dahan akong tumayo sa pagkalambot-lambot na sofa, kinuha ang aking kumot at unan, at pumasok sa aking kwarto.
Walang tunog kong isinara ang aking pinto at pinindot ang lock.
CHINK!
Inilapag ko ang aking mga gamit sa kama.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nakatayo lang doon..sa gitna ng aking silid..nakatulala sa kawalan.
...
Ganun na ba ako ka-cheap?
Isang tawagan lang galing sa babaeng yun..
Isang:
"I miss them, Max! I want them here with me and their lola Ceny!
Sige na, everybody misses them..
May pera ka naman eh..
Kaya naman nilang gawin yang projects nila in two days eh!"
Ahahaha.
Oo, bata, ganun ka ka-cheap.
Chipangga galore.
Wala kang sing-cheap.
Aba..
Um-oo ka naman sa kachipan na yun!
Hindi ka tao, eh.
Hindi.
Ang tao, umiiyak kapag ganto ang nangyari sa buhay nya.
Ang tao nagdadabog.
Ang tao nagwawala.
Ang tao sinasampal ang mga katulad nya.
Ang tao hindi umo-oo sa mga taktikong bulok ng putang yon!
Pano ba yan?
Ano ka?
Ano ka na ngayon?
Ano ka bang talaga?
Isa kang malaking bato.
Isang kumikislap na bato.
Isa kang malaking piraso ng maduming papel na may mukha ni Ninoy.
Isa kang roundtrip tiket sa ibat-ibang lugar sa malaking bilog na batong kinatatayuan mo.
Isa kang nakatiklop na lalagyang yari sa pinagtagpi-tagping balat ng mga hayop.
Ampuga.
Iba ka nga talaga.
Palakpakan natin ang batang bato na nagpapanggap tao.
Palakpakan.
Pwede..
Pwede nang pang star search.
I-career mo, day.
My future ka ngang talaga.
...
...
sinilayan kong muli ang pinagkaitang pagmumukha niya.
Gods, I hate you..
I hate you.
I hate..
I HATE..
I HATE YOU.
...
Naramdaman ko ang lamig ng cellphone na hawak ko sa aking mga kamay.
Hindi ko narinig ang kalampag nang walang-malay ko itong nahulog sa sahig.
Hinga..hinga..
Sumandal ako sa pader ng aking silid, nakakapit sa hawakan ng pintuan ng banyo.
Sa paghinga lang yan..hinga lang..
Naramdaman kong mapunit ang aking mga tuyong labi sa pagngiti.
Pagtawa..
Pagtikim ng maalat na tubig.
Tawa pa.
Hinampas ko ang likod ng ulo ko sa kaputian ng pader sa likod ko.
Wala.
Hinampas ko ulit hanggang nakasilay ako ng mga maririkit na bituin..
Hanggang mawalan ako ng pandinig..
Hanggang mawala na ang mga masasakit na isipan sa utak ko..sa puso ko..
Binubulungan ko ang aking sarili..
Na tila binubulungan ang isang batang nasa bingit ng hukay..
"“Think happy thoughts..
Happy thoughts..
Just..just..
Think..
Happy..
Happy thoughts..
..and youll be fine..
everything..
will be fine.
Think of..
Of mentos grape..
Ketchup fries..
Of orion's belt..
Silver crosses..
Burnt roses..
Warm hands..
Les' hands..
Ate sop's hands..
Giselle's smile..
Maika's laugh..
Inna's giggle..
Butch's eyes..
Nica's hair..
Anne's antics..
Andy's nerds..
Of candy Nerds..
Strawberry and grape..
Strawberry lime flavored lollipops..
Shiny blades..
Beija's hugs..
Cams and bea's laughter..
Domeng's smile..
Yes..
Yes, think of those..
Haha..hahaha..
Think!
Think of..
Of..
Soft pillows..
Erotic poems..
Pigtails..
Mike's porn poses..
Jantofeb..
Les' boots..
Think of xmen evo..
Think of wanda..
Of rogue..
Of X23!
Think of phoenix..
Of borris..
Think of kate's soft caresses,
Aleli's marble skin..
Think of Sop's candy-scented hair,
Te mars' FHM pic,
Te loren's hug..
Think of sunsets and breezes,
Stars and rainbows..
Think of peach flavored kisses
And..
and..
..and.."
Sa wakas.
Natahimik na rin.
Napaupo sa sahig at naantok.
...
...
Hindi ba..
Dapat matuto na akong pagbigyan ang mga nagkakasala sa akin..?
Diba?
Dapat.
Kaya ko.
Kaya ko siyang pagbigyan..
Kahit mahirap, kahit mapait, kahit ni isang beses hindi pa niya nagawang mag-sorry..gagawin ko.
Kahit nga mamamatay-tao ko, kaya kong pagbigyan.
Pero..
Hindi..
Hindi ko kayang pagbigyan ang taong paulit-ulit-ulit akong pinapatay..
Bawat taon..
Bawat bakasyon..
Bawat holiday..
Ha.
Hahahaha..
Isa lang masasabi ko, ang dakilang kumikslap na batang bato.
Feliz Navidad, mi madre.
...
Friday, December 17
Dec. 17 Fri.
"Something much worse..
Something that makes puppies." -Les
...
This day was supposed to be all relax and gift giving, but it turned out a bit different..
For one thing, my IP group had a major problem with the draft, and ended up retyping the whole thing at the CAI room.
I tried teaching my berks a lesson about learning to appreciate the simple things in life..
But I guess it pretty much backfired.
...
Cheche gave me a celtic cross necklace for the class exchange gift, and that really made me go AWWWWWWW...
Giselle gave me..well, a lot of things for the barkada exchange gift. A copy of The Unbearable Lightness of Being, a pair of fishscale earrings, a pair of pink flipflops (which I agreed to wear for the sake of my berks), a journal to write my hurts and joys in, and of course..
The first flower that she saw that morning..and a leaf.
The latter ones were truly priceless.
...
When it was my turn to give my gift, everyone expected me to hand out a bunch of star-shaped and Harry Potter stuff to Inna, coz we all knew that those were her most favorite things in the world..
Those and sir Beni, of course.
I gave Inna my gifts in the simplest package I could think of.
A matchbox.
I watched their reactions, and was quite disappointed when they all laughed at it; saying there was a spider inside, and I was gonna pull out a stick and start playing battle of the spiders with Inna.
Course, I laughed with them. It was kinda funny, really..
But when she opened it, the laughter stopped.
"Inna..
Mawala na lahat ng bituin,
Huwag lang ikaw.
...
Mahal kita.
-Cel"
...
I leaned back to see their reactions.
They all gave out an AWWWW..HOW SWEET! before she lifted the card to see the gifts inside.
A strangled shriek of surprise..a gasp of disbelief..
Widened eyes..
I smiled.
It was a pair of yellow star glass earrings, and a rare collector’s item of a Harry Potter coin with Harry's face engraved on one side, and the Hogwarts crest on the other side.
See?
The best gifts can come in the smallest, simplest packages.
...
...
After the mass, I hugged my berks goodbye and Merry Christmas before rushing off with Les and Beija to wait for our ride.
When kuya Jonie (sana lang tama yung spelling!) arrived, we slumped inside the radio-forsaken car and tried our best to speed off to Mcdonalds to pick up ate Sop.
After pulling her in with us at the back, we went to Starbucks katips to pick up te Lalaine and sip some coffee on the way to Beija's pad for the WB party.
Throughout the whole trip, barukan fest po.
Courtesy of moi.
Beija: "Yknow that pole in the swimming pool shower rooms? Maecy and Cam use it as a POLE."
s: *laughs*
Me: "Eh si Inna nga eh, she dirty dances in the shower na nakabukas yung cortains.." *eyes widen* "CORTAINS!"
Them: *manic laughter*
Te Yuna: "Lookie o, bigay ni Mike.." *holds up a stuffed Sonic the Hedgehog bag*
Us: "Awwww..its so cute!"
Me: "Ang cute naman ni Felix.."
Them: *stops, looks up at me* "Uh.."
Me: *blinks* "Wait, Felix nga ba..?"
Les: "Sira! Si Sonic yan!" *laughs her head off*
Te Sop: *laughs* "Parang nagtaka ako ng onti dun ah..kasi isip ko lang diba itim si Felix?"
Me: *runs fingers through ate Sop's hair* "Wow ate..ang bango ng hair mo! Anong shampoo mo?"
Te Sop: "Er..iba iba..minsan pantene, minsan Palmolive.."
Me: *tilts head* "Ows? Eh bakit ganyan buhok ng hair mo?"
Everyone: *blinks*
Te Sop: "Wha-?"
Me: *shakes head* "Este..bakit ganyan amoy ng buhok mo?"
Us: *laughs our heads off*
And the winner..
Beija: "Yknow, my mom is going to India next year.."
Les: "O? gano katagal sha dun?"
Beija: "Hmm.. Jan to Feb."
Me: *blinks* "Jantofeb? San yun?"
(pause)
Les&Beija: *rolls around in their seats, laughing their heads off*
Les: "SIRA! HINDI LUGAR YUN! JANUARY TO FEBRUARY!"
Me: *laughs* "Oh shyet, ganun ba?!"
Les: *puts on a hindu accent* "Oh, I have been to Jantofeb lately, I go there every year, yes?"
Us: *manic laughter*
...
after scalding my tongue on te Lalaine's coffee, we lounged around in Beija’s living room with Les messing around with the belens, in all its cute ceramic sheepness and its hilarious mother of all leather camelness.
I cought a glimpse of mig, I think. Him, or a shirtless shy sprite with glasses. Chad and Mr. Rialp were locked in their rooms, and for some reason I felt uneasy with them hiding like that all the time.
The western ways do clash with the south eastern.
*shrugs* maybe its just me and the way I was brought up.
Probably got used to getting to know the siblings of my friends and having fun with them too.
Haha, malay natin.
...
as if on cue, the rest of the WB members arrived just as dinner was served. We had porkchops and pancit and a helluva lot of laughs.
Les and I had a talk about all the sexy bodies of our batchmates, and more about Jantofeb, before we went upstairs to lounge.
Les was totally engrossed with playing DiabloII and snapped at anyone who disturbed her. Although she didnt mind me screaming out my sentiments about those skeletons that kept on cornering her throughout the game.
"Aaarrgh! They're killin me! They’re killin meeee!!"
"Oh shit! They’re friggin killin you! Die, moving carcasses! Dieee!!"
Te lalaine and I were playing with cards, before beija and te Sop quit strumming the guitar and joined us. Later that night, miss Manahan arrived with her boyfriend, and they hung around with us talking about science, tequila, greek names, and stuff.
After losing miserably and consecutively with pusoy dos and tong its, I just leaned back and watched them play.
Beija had Chad come out of his room to do some catching up with Ms. Manahan-s boyfriend who turned out to be his old college classmate. We all got a chance to marvel at his chopped locks and I got to see his face for the first time.
Damn.
What is it with me and my friends' brothers?
Ive been with Kevin and JV loads of times, but I never got to look at them in the face. I dont know why..
...
When kuya came up to fetch me, I introduced him to everybody.
Yeah yeah, I know absolutely well that I dont look ANYTHING like him. Kape ako, gatas sha. Beast ako, beauty sha.
But no, neither of us is adopted. Mana sha kay mommy, mana ako kay daddy.
He played around with Kaiser a bit, then we took off with Les and te Lalaine laughing their heads off behind us.
Kuya was to stay at home for the vacation, and I have to admit that I miss his frank and funny company..
Oh yeah, and kuya ricky our driver bought a brand new sparkling fir--engine red motorbike..
Which kuya rode to kingdom come.
And I mean RIDE.
With all the wrongness you can muster.
Kulang na lang whip and a big cherry lollipop.
"Celine, angkas ka! RIDE WIT ME! YEE-HAW!"
"GAGO!"
...
...
I giggled myself to sleep.
Somehow, I feel that some people only like me for the things I have..
For the people I know..
For my talents..
For my relatives.
Sanayan lang yan.
*giggle giggle*
...
Thursday, December 16
Dec. 16 Thurs.
"I know who you really are -
You're the one who cries when you're alone.
...
But where will you go?
With no one left to save you from yourself..
You cant escape,
You cant escape.
...
You think I cant see right through your eyes,
Scared to death to face reality..
No one seems to hear your hidden cries,
You're left to face yourself alone." -Where Will You Go?
...
...
Unti-unti akong tumingala.
Nakita ko siya..
Naramdaman kong kumulo ang aking dugo sa galit at pagkamuhi.
Tiningnan ko ng malalim ang kanyang mga mata..
...
I hate you.
I HATE YOU.
I. HATE. YOU.
...
..And that's why Im gonna hide you.
...
Wednesday, December 15
Dec. 15 Wed.
"Anyone can tell..
You think you know me well -
But you dont know me." -You Don’t Know Me
...
I dont believe in putting a minimum price for exchange gifts.
A gift is a gift, no matter how expensive or how cheap it is.
I would much rather be given a petal of your favorite flower for a Christmas gift, than a P500 skirt.
I find beauty in simple things.
Sure, I dont deny that I can be materialistic at times, but I sure as hell try my damn best to avoid being so.
Im already her daughter, for fuck's sake.
Its a helluva lot harder not to grow up into something just like her.
...
...
I dont get crushes.
I admire, I approve, but I dont lose all coherent thought and squeal like a butchered pig when that person walks by.
In my vocabulary, a crush is merely one-sided affection.
I either love or fall in love.
Yes, I know its dangerous and pathetic and almost obsessive..
But when I love, I love with all my heart and soul - unconditional and everlasting.
...
...
I dont care about looks or money.
Looks is just bone structure, epidermis, and hair.
Money is just dirty paper; and riches is just a bunch of shiny rocks and metal.
I care about wit and passion, humor and manners, sensitivity and opinions, mystery and respect, dedication and wisdom, application and understanding, humility and courage, gentleness and firm beliefs.
I dont care if a guy has a limmo or a jaguar, an Armani coat and tie, a body and face like that of a Greek god..
He's a nice thing to show off and display, but can he converse decently and interestingly about things other than basketball and girls? Can he make you smile with his stories and antics? Can he even do long division?
Mark this:
I would rather go to the prom with my 5'2 escort in a friggin jeep if it comes to that..
I can tell those insulting bitches to go burn in hell, coz unlike them, I have a partner who I can comfortably talk to and relate to, someone who listens and doesnt really care about what your gown looks like..someone who says please and thank you, knows his boundaries, and wont treat you like a one-time piece of shit the next day.
Why do you think I prefer chatting instead of meeting personally?
...
...
For our Pinoy assignment, we had to make a short story that will include these five things:
>sirang gitara
>sumisigaw na babae
>umiiyak na sanggol
>madilim na bahay
>malakas na pagbuhos ng ulan
well..
I had to come up with something..
...
*Harana*
ni CelEs
Tatlumpu't lima, tatlumpu't anim, tatlumpu't pito. Dalawang daan tatlumpu't pito. Yun ang bilang ng mga butas sa kisame ng mala-kahon kong kuwarto.
Heto nanaman ako, nakalatag sa sahig at nakatulala sa kawalan, na tila bangkay - hindi gumagalaw, hindi humihinga; pinipilit na hindi pansinin ang pagyanig ng bahay at pagbasag ng mga salamin at baso sa kabilang silid.
Nag-aaway nanaman sila.
Kailan ba hindi? Halos kabisado ko na ang mga mangyayari gabi-gabi. Tinuruan ko na nga ang sarili kong makatulog sa tunog ng kanilang mga sigaw. Natuto akong tiisin ang hapdi ng kumakalam na sikmura, at huwag pansinin ang kirot ng mga suga’t pasa na natamo sa araw-araw na rambulan sa bulok na paaralang pinupuntahan ko.
Ngunit iba ang gabing ito. Masakit ang kagat ng lamig sa aking balat, at hindi ko magawang lunurin ang mga sigaw ng aking ina at malakas na panaghoy ng aking sanggol na kapatid. Walang-awang kinakalampag ng aking ama ang manipis na pader sa kanyang galit.
Isinara ko ang aking mga nagbabagang mata, at bumangon sa aking kinahihigaan. Itinulak ko paisantabi ang aking butas na bag at inabot ang aking kaisa-isang kayamanan: ang aking gitarang naungkat ko sa basura ilang taon na ang nakaraan. Maingat ko itong kinarga at isinamang itakas papalabas sa maliit na bintana ng aking kuwarto, at sa kadiliman ng hatinggabi.
Ilang kalsada ang aking tinawid, hindi ko maalala; hinayaan ko na lamang gabayin ako ng aking sawing puso. Napatigil ako sa harap ng isang luma at madilim na bahay, at ako'y napatulala sa karag-karag na bintana sa may kaliwa. Tila ilang daang beses na ako naparito, at napatingala sa mahinang dilaw na ilaw ng bintanang yaon - na ngayo'y nilamon na ng kadiliman at pagkalimot.
Alam kong matagal ka nang wala, na matagal mo na akong iniwan... Na hindi ko na makikita ang iyong malumanay na ngiti na sa akin mo lamang binibigay bawa't gabi na pumaririto ako sa harap ng iyong bahay. Alam ko na hindi ko na muling mararamdaman ang iyong mga yakap, o maririnig ang iyong mga tawa, mga pang-asar, at mga salitang nagbibigay buhay, lakas, at pag-asa sa aking kalooban...
Alam kong hindi mo na muling maririnig ang aking pagkanta at pagtugtog sa aking sirang gitara, ngunit heto pa rin ako, nakatingala sa iyong bintana at kumakanta ng matamis na harana.
Nagsisimula nang pumatak ang mga luha ng kalangitan, at ako'y pumikit at hinayaang maghalo at tangayin ng ulan ang tahimik na pag-agos ng aking kapighatian. Alam kong naroon ka na sa isang lugar na pinaginipan nating dalawa, at ika'y masaya na..masaya na...
Kaya't hinayaan ko na lamang lamunin ng malakas na ulang ang aking mga luha, panaginip, at pag-asa; kasama ng tunog ng aking matamis at walang-katapusang harana.
...
Saturday, December 11
Dec. 11 Sat.
"Sige, pagpatuloy niyo lang;
Unti-unting lunurin sa kasiyahan..
Sige, pagpasensiyahan na lang,
Mga pumupigil sa ating ligaya..
...
Okay lang naman ang ating usapan,
Hindi na lang babalikan ang nakaraan,
Ang nakaraan..
...
Ayos lang, basta't kasama
Konting alak lang, kahit walang pulutan..
Ang minsan, naaalala,
Di magtatagal, tayo ay liligaya..
Tayo ay liligaya." -Sige
...
Last night was a killer.
After waiting for the longest time for Nica’s bus, the barkada boarded Maika's van and we went to her house to change into our outfits for the night. While waiting for Inna, we watched the really disturbing movie Thirteen, and I played around with this real neat DJ BoxBop toy Maika had..
The movie was great. It showed how peer pressure and family problems can make a thirteen year old girl get tongue and bellybutton rings, take drugs, have sex, and slash herself to bits.
Yeah. Ding dong to me.
I was quite amused at the similarity to my story.
But my berks were shocked at my reactions to the disgusting bed scenes..
Haha. They wanted to throw up, Maika even went outside coz she couldnt stand to watch, but I only tilted my head and grinned.
Them: *stares* "Oh my God..thats disgusting..yuck, ang daming dugo..shet, I cant look.." *looks away*
Me: *blinks* "Hey, may gunting din ako na ganyan sa bahay!" *laughs* "Oooh, dont use the razor blade, honey..you wont be able to stand the sting.."
Giselle: "Celine talaga, o.."
Them: *covers mouths* "Oh shet..silang dalawa sa isang guy?? Threesome ba ito?!"
Maika: *covers eyes* "Oh my gosh, kadiri yan. Kadiri yan!!"
Me: *eyes widen* *laughs* "Ooooooh, pare ko, jackpot! Holy shit, dude, you got two gorgeous gals on your lap! Lucky bastard, go for it!" *manic laughter*
Them: *looks at me* "Ano ba yang si Celine! Sabi na nga ba mahilig ka sa ganyan, eh!"
Me: "Wait..wait, is he saying stop?! No way..no way..no way! Dude, there’s no guy in his RIGHT MIND who would let that chance pass him by.." *shakes head*
Steph: *giggles* "Baka good boy siya.."
Me: *snorts* "Wala nang good boy sa mundo, noh!" *leans back* "Damn..kung ako nasa pwesto niya..shyet, heaven ba ito!"
Us: *eyes widen* "Wait..did she just..did she just..KISS HER?!"
Them: *pulls faces* "EEEEWWWWWW!!! Yuck, girl to girl..eew eew eew!! Kadiirss! Ano kayang feeling nun?!"
(pause)
Them: *slowly looks at me*
Me: *grinning like an idiot* "Haha, pwede.." *looks on as the kiss gets deeper* "Er.."
Them: *still looking at me, biting their lips*
Me: *sinks into chair* "I..I dont..I dont need this right now.." *slowly runs hand through hair* "not..not after what happened kanina..mercy..mercy.."
...
God had mercy, and sent Inna knocking at Maika's door.
It was the celebration for Maika and Nica’s birthday, and we were off to Eastwood all in SKIRTS.
Yeah.
Skirts.
I wore one. The one dad bought for me..white with a watercolor pink flower on it. And along with a red sleeveless turtleneck, everybody said I looked like a cheerleader. *twitch*
We picked up Iann and his friends: Steve and Jeje, and proceeded to Eastwood to eat at the Superbowl of China - or according to Jeje - the Toiletbowl of China.
After a birthday greeting from the waiters, we walked around a bit, rummaging through the tiangges and stores to find gifts for our kris kringles. We were harassed with noisy fireworks which exploded right above us and propelled tiny shrapnel that hit our skin and went inside Inna's smile. *stifles laughter*
"Ow! Okay, guys, dont smile.. May pirasong tumama sa ngipin ko!"
I then went with Nica and Anne to ask various restaurants if they could be interviewed for our THE restaurant evaluation project. Our first priority was Macau Restaurant, with the really friendly manager.
Around 10:15, I prepped myself to be picked up by my dad. Our strict schedule was that he would pick me up around ten, so I had to turn down my barkada's offer to go watch Iann’s gig at Eskinita. They were going to stay there until around midnight, then have a sleepover at Maika's pad.
I grit my teeth as they kissed me goodbye, and left me with Steph to go to that gig and have one helluva night. Steph and I waited a bit more, then her dad came and was going to pick her up already. Wondering where the heck my dad was, I called him up and found out..
Hn.
He was at a party. And he told me he could pick me up around 12.
Ha.
Nice, right?
You could just imagine the look on my face..
Especially when he suddenly got angry at me when I told him my barkada was already halfway to Eskinita, and Steph was about to go home.
Some schedule.
...
Regretting every single thought of it, I pleaded with Steph's dad to drop me off at my house, and thanked him profusely from the moment he said sure, to the moment I stepped off the car and ring the doorbell.
It was 12 then..
I missed out on so much fun, and dad was angry at me. I was the one who needed the escape, but it was my berks and my dad who were getting drunk and high on Eskinita slingers, martini, and strobe lighs..
I wished I would never wake up.
...
...
I did.
And I hated it. I had to go pick up Anne and Nica from Maika's place then go to Eastwood again for the restaurant evaluation.
I waited at Maika's house, eating breakfast and helping soothe their hangovers, playing boxbop and staring at the face of Maika’s younger yet taller brother JV.
After that, Nica Anne and I met up with the rest of our groupmates at Macau, and proceeded with the interview. The manager was downright cool, but the waiter was too friendly..all TOO friendly..
Like..stalker friendly.
Our groupmates had to leave, so we walked around Eastwood again, carefully avoiding that waiter, and ending up at Mini Stop. We met up with Nica's friends: Chad and James, and we just sat there talking about anything, while Nica and Anne garbled nonsense due to the side effects of last night.
After making the rain stop, I accompanied them to the corner of Eastwood to hail a cab for Nica, Chad, and James to get them to Sta. Mesa to by a guitar. It took us quite some time trying to get a cab, and the combined talents of us three BOYS to take care of those two drunk girls.
When they left, Anne and I lounged around a bit more, and I was getting irritated at my dad and his schedule which was yet again flawed. He arrived an hour late, and we dropped Anne off at her place.
...
...
I yanked off my silver, and my other constricting garments, and literally crashed on the bed.
I missed out on fun and escape.
I missed out on gin, brandy, pomelo juice, pinapples, peaches, and sprite.
I got yelled at for something I didnt do.
I got scolded for coughing, and being so damn weak.
I got four projects due, three homeworks, and two reports.
I fell for a guy and an hour later, he introduces us to his girlfriend.
I threw the cigs and scissors across the room, and chugged down the last half glass of dad's Gato Blanco from the ref.
I tried in vain to fight off the barbaric memories, before the alcohol burned its way up and down my stomach, and finally lulled me to sleep.
For me, it was just another day.
...
Thursday, December 9
Dec. 9 Thurs.
"I do..i do..i do.." -Master and Emperor
...
I didnt know what was happening.
The world was hazy, my eyes were glazed over, I was panting and sucking in and seething out breath after breath..
There was pain..oh yes, a slight sting that frazzled my mind and made me utter a cry inside my throat..
But only for a moment..just a moment..
Then there was nothing..
Nothing but pure cold ecstasy.
...
I couldnt remember how it happened.
But when I realized what I was doing, I stopped and dropped the pair of scissors, and stared horrified at the thin ribbon of crimson peeking through a neat slice.
Neat.
Pretty.
Loved the rush.
Hated the reason why I found myself in this situation yet again..hated the fact that I had no control..that I lost control..
I cant remember how it happened.
I cant.
...
...
I got married tonight!
Sorry, Trent, naunahan ka na ni ate Maecy!
Haha, joke time lang dude, it was joke-time..
But it was one helluva joke time!
Oh man, shyet!
Ahem.
...
brace yourselves.
To all who know ate Maecy, you have an idea of whats to come here, so back out if you want.
...
We both proposed to each other on YM, us, a Japanese master, and a Chinese emperor..
I even changed the environment to Falling Hearts, and she changed her font to rainbow and pink.
"Do you Celine Estrada take me, Maecy Espiritu as your lawfully (more like voluntary) wedded Master?"
"*stifles laugher* I do.."
"Do you, Maecy Espiritu, take me, Celine Estrada, empie extraordinaire as your lawfully and voluntary wedded Emperor?"
okay, this is the part where I start feeling weird..
"I do..
I do..
I do..."
I was quite an..unusual experience..with lots of smooching and offers and ahehehems..
Ahem.
*loosens collar*
So. It was fun. Nice, really..ang sweet kaya, hahaha!
Inggit kayo?
*rofl*
...
I just wonder what the other concubines will have to say about this..
I mean, Im just the fourth. The fourth! And I became the wife! *manic laughter*
Oh boy, I just know ate Alex and Mars are gonna kill me tomorrow..
Icequeen out.
Wednesday, December 8
Dec. 8 Wed.
"I feel my wings have broken
in your hands..
I feel the words unspoken
Inside..
When they pull you under;
And I would give you anything you want,
You were all I wanted,
All my dreams are fallin down
Crawlin round and round and round..
...
Somebody save me..
Let your warm hands break right through me;
Somebody save me..
I dont care how you do it,
Just save me, save..
Come on..
Ive been waiting for you." -Save Me
...
I remember crashing on the bed after dad shunned me to my room, filling my head with the cold sting of gun metal and diamonds against my skin, and the dull rotting taste of death on my lips.
I dreamt of taking drugs and losing myself to the delightful grip of numbness and sweet forgetfulness with a single lick of brown powdered escape sealed in a ziplock bag..
...
...
I awoke to another morning, with the sun frying my cheek and the grip of treachery and lies violently tilting my chin up to the harsh reality of humanity and this blasted life of mine.
She promised..she promised..
I can still feel her warm tears drenching my shirt..
Still hear her muffled apologies..
She broke her promise along with my heart..
AGAIN.
I should have never expected her - or anyone at all - to give me that kind of credit..respect..to keep their word..
She loves her pride more than me.
...
...
I remember flying..
The warmth and color from my face flushing and dissipating, as I retreated to yet another windowsill, stretching my fingers through the slices of glass in a desperate attempt to touch the clouds and feel THAT touch yet again..just once..
Just one more time..
Before i..
Before i.......
...
...
I remember Maika looking at me and suddenly garble that she had a dream about me just last night..
I remember furiously blinking and wiping away the stinging tears in my eyes, before gently smiling and asking her to tell me this dream of hers..
I remember hearing my heart thunder in my chest and ears as she spoke of me having my sixteenth birthday party once again..that it was such a grand occasion, and everyone was invited..
She was astounded to see my mom arranging the party..
She wondered out loud why my sixteenth birthday party was so damn grand - I mean, real grand. As in..three layer cake, candles, tables and chairs, and the gowns..
Then she learned it was because my party was held at the same time as my parents' RE-MARRIAGE..
I remember flushing and gaping at her narration..i didnt know what the hell to say or how to react..i garbled the first words that came to me.
"A-anong kulay ng gown ko?"
she thought for a minute, as I snorted at the stupidity of my own question. No doubt it would be pink.
But I also remember slowly standing up and shedding tears and crying openly with joy on her shoulders as she told me.
"Kulay PEACH. Peach. Bagay na bagay sayo yung kulay..
may korona ka pa nga, eh..
ang ganda mo dun.."
...
...
I remember burying my head in a soft flurry of cool soft pillows as I fell asleep to the thoughts of me in a peach colored gown wearing a tiara, happily celebrating my sweet sixteen with my friends and WHOLE family..
I remember dreaming once again of a dream I had before..
One where I stood in a big white place that seemed to be made up of clouds and cotton and feathers of pink and white..i looked into the distance before me, and there he was..just standing there..looking just as lost and mildly curious as I was..
We caught each others eye, and I saw his face brighten..like a little kid on his first birthday..
I remember that I ran..i ran..
Ran across the wide expanse of clouds and feathers towards him..then I jumped..yeah, I jumped..high into the air..
I remember him looking up at me, then spreading his arms wide open to catch me..
Time slowed down then..then suddenly I fell into his embrace, and we were both on the fluffy ground, rolling around with laughter as we held each other and spat out the feathers..
I remember the song If We Hold On Together playing softly in the background..
I remember how it felt like.
It felt like heaven.
...
Tuesday, December 7
Dec. 7 Tues.
"When Im sad she comes to me,
with a thousand smiles
she gives to me free..
Its alright, its alright, she says..
Take anything you want from me -
Anything.
...
Fly little wing,
Yeah, yeah..
Fly little wing..
I want her to fly." -Little Wing
...
I was slumped against a wooden bench along a hiway with nica, bored right out of my mind. A car passes by, and we step inside, as I watch her carefully hold a pair of white rubber shoes and close the door.. The damp street is illuminated by the evening lights, as we zoom into the dimly lit tunnel.
Something suddenly sank in..hit me like a ton of bricks to the head.
I wanted to escape..to run away..and my barkada inside the car held the thick suffocating atmosphere and weight of my world, my fate, my life.
My eyes widening at the blank and stale expressions on their faces, I scrambled out of the car and ran down the damp and dim tunnel. I passed by others, some running and some riding mini scooters. A bunch of sophomores were reading and reciting lines from The Passionate Shepherd to His Love by Christopher Marlowe, trying to memorize it.
I ran past them all, grinning slightly at the antics of a much yonger girl with long black hair who was mischievously misleading the other girls into memorizing the poem incorrectly by pretending to help them and call out loud a few wrong words..
I reached the end of the tunnel, and was quite surprised to see a shallow murky swimming pool that stretched out like a lake.. The sun was setting right across me, in a sky bathed in dark gold and dim orange..
I hardly realized that I hadnt stopped running, until I looked down and found myself literally teetering on the edge of the shallow pool of dirty water. I saw several girls sitting on the tiled egde, their feet and skirts submerged in the water and soaking wet. They mutely looked up at me, as I frantically tried to regain my balance.
I inched away from them, and retreated to the outer curve of the concrete tunnel. I sank down on a few crumbling stone steps beside it, and watched how the breeze shook the tiny patches of vines and flowers that dappled the ground and the tunnel wall.
I rested my chin on my hand, as I waited for the sun to set. Looking down at my left side on a small tangle of vines, I saw a tiny azure bird perched close by. It hopped towards me, and brushed against my thigh..
Then it changed. From a light blue and white colored bird, it turned to a dirty gray - its feathers sticking out and ruffled, its neck much longer and slimmer, its beak darker and broader..but it was still so very tiny..like a miniature swan..
I tried reaching out for it, but it hobbled out of my reach and mingled with a coop of hens in front of me. I tried to grab hold of it in vain, but as it limp out of my reach and into the empty stone steps, I made a final lunge, and gently held the creature in my loose grip.
I suddenly realized I had a sandwich in my right hand, so I held it close to the bird, but it was too weak and small to tear off a piece. Without thinking, I bit of a chunk of sandwich, chewed on it, then opened my mouth and let the tiny swan eat from my mouth.
Disgusting?
Hey, it worked.
...
Hummingbird Spirit Calls To You!
Hummingbird
represents optimism and sweetness.
Being able to roll with the punches is an attribute
of Hummingbird.
Hummingbirds's Wisdom Includes:
Ability to heal by using light as a laser from
mouth
Endurance over long journeys
Ability to fly into small places to heal
Joy
Happiness
Love
Messenger, stopper of time.
If you enjoyed
this quiz, please rate and I may do another!
Animal Spirit Guides ~ Which One Calls To You?
brought to you by Quizilla
...
...
Maybe its a sign from God.
Maybe its another quirk of Fate.
Maybe im just going insane.
Maybe someone out there is doing all this and enjoying every minute of it.
I want to go home, and I dont know what the hell that means.
...
Monday, December 6
Dec. 6 Mon.
"It all turns sour.." -Sway
...
its turning sour.
I can taste it in the air,
In your eyes..
Hey.
It had to happen sometime.
Better, ne?
...
...
Lately, ive been having a myriad of weird dreams.
One:
I was in some sort of shack with a bunch of other people. I was feeling anxious and scared, then realized we were trying to fight some sort of monster..
A soul eater.
Suddenly, the creature was right there before me, trying to claw me with long talons..i knew its hands would phase right through my body, but could grab hold of my soul..then eat it. I dodged the swipes, and it targeted some other person. It had moved so fast, that the person didnt have time to react..the person stood rigid in place as his soul was slowly being pulled out of him and eaten by that creature.
I only watched.
Then its attention diverted to me again, and swiped at me. This time, I didnt dodge. I didnt move. Its hand and iron talons crashed against my left cheek, and didnt phase through my skin. Instead, it sort of..well..
Broke.
Like a human arm swung forcefully against a solid metal column. I heard the bones crunch, and saw the arm crumple slightly at the impact. I never even budged. I saw the look of fear in the face of that creature, but I knew there was something more to it..
The fear vanished. It was amazement..then desire. It wanted me. It was like it had been..looking for me..searching for me for so long.
Then it dawned on me. This creature was surely going to kill me.
Suddenly, a blur of colors and wind erupted from behind the creature, and it screeched then disappeared in the same blur. The others thought it was dead, but I knew it was far from dead..
The blur of colors and wind from behind it was..its wings. It had taken to the air, and was determined to kill me. Horrified, I fled from the cabin and into the dead of the night.
Once outside, the air was cold, and it looked like we were on some sort of hillside..there was a grassy slope with a stone stair that led downward into some plain covered in long, thick grass. Hearing the screech behind me, I tried to run down the hillside, but I knew I would slip if I did.
Knowing that I was dreaming, I concentrated..then felt a soft flurry of feathers on my back. I jumped..
But then I realized that my left wing was broken.
I fell back to the earth, with that sick plunging feeling in my stomach.. but then I clutched a small tree, and kind of..flung myself forward onto the next small tree along the stone stair. My wing was broken, but I could still glide. So I made my way gliding down the slope. I even estimated where I would land on the thick grassy plain on the bottom.
But when I swung myself forward onto my landing spot, I looked up and saw the other bunch of people had cut a large mass of grass..right where I planned to land. They were grinning at me.
I knew I would crash, I knew I would break, I knew I would be killed by the creature above me.
So I woke myself up.
...
...
Two:
I knew I was dreaming. I was in a house that looked all too familiar. Even the feel and off white color of it was softly, dully familiar. I slumped on a couch, and saw a couple of friends in the background.
I saw saw Les crash on the white squashy couch before me. She was chugging a pack of Nerds, and looking like she actually lived there. I leaned forward and told her:
"Oy Les, lam mo ba nananaginip ako ngayon?"
She looked at me, blinked, and said: "Ows?"
I chuckled, amused at my dream. Standing up, I told her I would look for my other friends. She led me to the big white front door, and it opened before me, revealing a vine covered patio and a lush front yard bathing in sunshine. But before I went out the door, I held onto Les, clutching her hand. I remember that I wouldnt let go..her hand was soft and smooth and warm.
She looked at me, amused, and I let go laughing. Once outside, I tiptoed across the garden into the neighbors garden. While crossing, I saw Les and some other friend of hers - probably Kabel - shaking and ruffling the trunk and branches of a tree. I warned them about bees, then heard them laugh at me. I grinned, and very carefully made my way across the neighbor garden..for some reason, I wasnt supposed to step on the plants..
Reaching a concrete wall corner, I stepped up three frayed steps, and went through another door..
I knew I was dreaming..but I didnt know what to do to find my friends in my dream. Should I imagine being where they were? Or should I just walk around till I find them?
The scene fades, and reveals me inside a huge mansion like place. Looked more like a museum, actually, with the big windows and doors, and polished wooden floor. The room was huge, with lots of big oak doors against the left wall. I looked on, and saw my classmates and batchmates going in and out of the doors, dressed in long white gowns.. some of them were manually opening and closing the doors, but some were simply phasing through the doors and floating.. I tried to take note; I saw viki, kiz, trixie..
Then I went to the last door at the end of the wall. I stood before it, closing my eyes. I made up my mind to try and phase through it. Scrunching up my face, I stepped forward.. but suddenly, somebody opened the door from the other side. I snapped open my eyes and saw a classmate of mine, and she looked up at me quite surprised.
"O, Celine! Anong ginagawa mo?"
she slipped past me, and I went through the door..and found myself in a MALL.
The mall seemed kinda familiar too..as if I had already dreamt of being here before. I was in casual clothes, and frantically looking for my friends. Going up and down a couple of escalators, I found them, and they were leading me around the mall, pointing to shop windows, laughing and having a great time.
I was looking for one last person. The only person who wasnt there..
Sis.
I asked around for her. I found Mikey, and she told me to find some girl..named Ana..or something like Ana..or maybe nikki..anyway, she told me to find her, coz she was Beijas er..ecofest partner..? well, I sure as hell didnt know how to find that girl, so I asked Kabel - who was wearing a very jaRule goth inspired outfit, mind you - and she told me to find the same person.
I forgot where sis lived. Damn. I asked Kabel, and she forgot too..as I thanked her and walked away, I suddenly remembered. I turned, and pointed to Kabel..and it looked like we had the same realization at the same time, coz she also turned and excitedly pointed to me.
"DON ENRIQUE HEIGHTS!" we cried in unison.
I laughed, and then my legs gave way, and I fell backwards on the cold mall floor. Still laughing, I got up, and asked Anne if I could hitch a ride with her to Don Enrique heights..she looked up at me frowning, but after a while agreed.
My berks led me to the mall exit which was entrance to the parking lot. But before I made it to the door, I woke up.
...
...
Three:
I was in my Lola's house, with some of my friends..they were having a photograph taken, and I was supposed to be in it.
But they were sitting at one side of the table, and I was on the other side. Before the flash, I stepped up on the glass table, and crawled into their midst, and tried to smile.
Just then, the guy who was gonna take our picture put the camera aside, looked at me and winked.
My eyes widened, as I recognized who it was.
"A-A-ALEX!!!"
She laughed at my expression. I looked at her with utter disbelief.
"You..you cut your HAIR! SHET, YOU LOOK LIKE A GUY!!"
We both laughed, and she grinned, putting a finger to her lips.
"Shh..quiet ka lang..hehe. astig ba?"
I nodded, still laughing. "Kung hindi ko kilala itsura mo, id really say you were a guy!"
The laughing stopped, and she took the picture. My friends turned to me, and raised their eyebrows at the fact that I was kneeling on the table. I bowed my head and crawled back into my seat.
...
...
Four:
My berks and I were roaming around the Multi purpose building, as they eyed some guys. They spotted one who had this really goofy looking haircut, where his unruly bangs fell into his eyes, and uncombed hair stuck out slightly at the back and sides of his head.
For some reason, my friends found it hilarious, and started laughing their heads off at the guy.
We sat at the steps of the MPB entrance and chatted a bit. I opened the topic about my weird dreams..and about Alex and her really short hair. They were barely interested, but when I told them how short her hair was, I compared it to the guy they ridiculed earlier.
"Maikli buhok nya sa dream ko..pero hindi naman ganun ka gulo." I said, pointing to the guy in the distance.
Seeing the guy again, my friends rolled around on the floor, laughing their heads off. Maika and Steph even got up and ran to my other classmates behind us, and laughed their heads off there..
...
...
weird, I know.
Even dad doesnt have answers for me about those sudden vivid and eccentric dreams..
Well, I guess my subconscious is just working overtime.
But I figure..
There are more to come.
Dun dun duuuuun.
Icequeen out.