Thursday, April 29
Apr. 29 Thurs.
"You can't lose something you never had!" -How to lose a guy in 10 days
Sleepover! Wahoooooo!!! Finally, we got to see Beija back from the States!
I picked up ate Sop and te Lalaine, and we had a couple of laughs and chit chat in the car. When we finally got to Beija's house, we just stood there outside, waiting for someone to open the gate...haha, I could tell: We were all fighting the insane urge to scale her gate, bust down the front door, and scream like lunatics: "We want Beija NOW!!!"
But instead, we just muttered: "Tao po...naghahanap lang po kami ng matutuluyan..." And I shouted: "NAMAMASKO PO!" Haha, that sent us all laughing. Once inside, we just stood there on the porch, awkward as hell. Even more awkward, was when Beija came out and greeted us. Ngek! Na-torpe kaming lahat!
Beija: "Hiya, guys."
Us: "Heya." *awkward wave* *fidgeting, twitching*
(awkward pause)
Beija: *dives for te Lalaine and gives her a noogie*
Me: *laughing my head off*
Te Sop: *chuckles*
(awkward pause)
Me: *walks up to Beija and te Sop* "Ten ten-tenen...Ten TEN-tenen..." (here comes the bride tone)
Them: "SIRA!"
Once inside, we went straight up to Beija's room. Kaiser was being a sweetie to us...well, except me, of course.
Kaiser: *approaches us*
Ate sop: *pats him on the head*
Kaiser: *snuggles up to Ate Sop*
Us: "Aww, that's cute!"
Kaiser: *approaches ate Lalaine*
Te Lalaine: *runs away* "Aahhh!"
Us: *laughing*
Beija: "Aw, he likes you, Lalaine!"
Kaiser: *approaches me* *growls*
Me: *narrows eyes* *reaches out to him*
Kaiser: *whimpers* *scuttles away*
Me: *blinks* "Well...at least he remembers me."
We had a few icebreaker questions up in Beija's room, and heard a lot of stories from Ate Lalaine. There was one about the medical exam of a university, and what they make you do...
Te Lalaine: "Tapos sabi niya samin: O, magtanggal na kayo ng damit...huwag na kayong mahiya, hindi dapat ikinahihiya ang ating mga katawan..."
Us: *laughing*
Te Lalaine: "Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kanya: Eh, ikaw kaya mauna, noh? Sige nga, maghubad ka jan."
Us: *laughing*
Me: *childish voice* "Sabay tayo!"
Them: *eyes widen* "Oh my God Celine! Yaaakkkk!!!" *rolls on floor laughing*
Me: *blink* "Holy! San nanggaling yon?!?!"
After dinner (porkchops! I think...), we had the movie marathon: Te Sop and Te Lalaine were on the floor most of the time, and Beija and I were slumped on the couch. "My Sassy Girl" was nice and the ending was kewl. I couldn't stop twitching...the movie only showed how much of a total sadistic jerk Fate was. "The Italian Job" was straight up astigin! I mean da-mn! Haha, made me want to grow up and be a professional thief myself! Then I could live happily ever after with my used lockpicks and gold bullions. Nerds rock! "How to Lose a Guy in Ten Days" was...well...romantic. But funny! It showed the wonders of the card game Bullshit, and the sadistically genius powers women have over men! Oh yeah, girl power! Ah, but of course...love wins in the end. *pout* But I was consoled with "Kill Bill", with all the blood and guts spraying around, cold metal blades slicing through...ah...I'll spare you guys the gore galore, for your sake. You'll only enjoy the movie if you're a psychotic genucidal sado-masochistic maniac. We enjoyed it. (especially our alter egos.)
Er...if there were other movies after that, I probably wasn't really paying much attention. One reason, I was slumped on the armrest, gritting my teeth at some of the scenes and lines in the movies. Examples:
"Is that the best you can do? C'mon...you can beg better than that."
"Even if you kill yourself...she'll move on...she'll eventually get over you, and find another."
"You can't lose something you never had!"
Second reason: We were nibbling on some nuts and dried fruits (dried strawberries are heaven, pare!), and I popped too many wasabe nuts in my mouth.
Me: "What are those green things...? Ah! Wasabi!" *pops one in my mouth*
Them: "Celine! Maanghang yan!"
Me: *blinks* "Hm...weak. Wala naman to, eh...its not even spicy!"
Te Lalaine: "Anong hindi?!"
Me: "Look, I can even do 6!" *pops one after the other in my mouth* "One... two... three...four, five, six!" *fails to quickly chew and swallow* *eyes widen* "Mmmphhhh!!!"
Them: *manic laughter*
Te Sop: *whacks my leg* "Sira ka kasi, eh!"
Beija: "Masochist!"
At dawn, we decided to turn in. We slept at Beija's guest room...which, come to think of it, was almost like a hotel room. Queen-size bed, lamp, aircon, bathroom, sink, table and chairs, refrigirator, and a microwave. Heck, you could lock us in there with supplies for a month, and we'd live! Haha, kinda made me think of college...what if...all four of us lived in one condo unit? Good Lord...mercy on the neighbors! Te Sop and Beija took the bed, and Te Lalaine and I crashed on the matresses on the floor. After rolling on Te Lalaine over and over(literally!), Beija decided to turn in. Te Sop and Te Lalaine followed suit. I, on the other hand, slumped on the reclinable couch on Beija's bedside.
I just sat there...thinking. Until Sleep's warm touch soothed my writhing heart, and gently kissed my aching eyes. Ah Sleep...Death's brother...both could tear Pain away from me, and grant me peace. As I sank deeper into Sleep's embrace, I could feel...This was the moment. I wasn't going to wake up... My Reasons were happy, the world was peaceful, and she...she was in love... *I couldn't ask for anything more.* I felt my grip loosen around my cellphone. I felt my breath slowly escape my lips. *Comatose...here I come.*
*Thud.*
A warm hand fell on mine. I slowly blinked open my eyes, and turned to my side. Beija. The saint. She held my shoulder for some time, then told me to go to bed. Ate Sop was awake, too...*damn...I couldn't even die without disturbing them.* I was wondering why Beija wouldn't let go of me, or turn away...*Did I have something on my face?* I did. Tears.
...
I wiped them away, before the cranked-up aircon froze them into icicles. I lay in bed for some time, and pretended to be asleep. I was freezing, man! Sure, I liked it, but I wondered what they would feel. Ate Lalaine already wrapped herself in her blanket, and was curled up. *Aww...* And as for the Angel and the Saint...well, they had a lot of blankets, alright...all of which were bunched up at their feet. I hugged Ally, and took my own blanket, spread it out, and...tried...to cover Te Sop and Beija, as they were sleeping. Not an easy task. No problem with Te Sop, but Beija...she was twitching all the while...slightly tossing...as if she knew her sis was up to something, hehe. I move the blanket an inch, Beija would twitch, I'd scurry away, pause, then repeat process. When they were finally tucked in, leaned against the wall, and just looked at three of them. Sleeping. Beautiful and peaceful. I stood there for God knows how long...thanking God...that I was alive...to be in this moment. Thanking God for them. Beija tossed, then I scurried away, and crashed on my bed.
I think fell asleep for about an hour or so, then woke up again. Why? Somebody was staring at me. I could sense it. I snapped open my eyes and saw...The saint. Again. Standing where I stood before, watching over us as we slept, looking down at me. I raised an eyebrow. "What?" I mouthed. She just shook her head. "Matulog ka na!" I mouthed, complete with hand gestures. She just shrugged, and slumped on the reclinable couch. She leaned forward for a second, then slammed herself against the backrest, to recline it. *blam!* The end of the backrest crashed against the nightside table behind it. We both doubled over in suppressed, soundless laughter. Quite interestingly, Te Sop and Te Lalaine didn't wake up. I sat at the foot of the Queen-size bed, and hugged my knees. Beija slumped beside me...
It was supposed to be Therapy Night part 2, but it seemed the only one who got therapy was me.
When we were all awake, I got a text from kuya that I was to be fetched a lot earlier than scheduled, coz of a campaign that would cause traffic. In one hour's time, 9:00. *Oh, great!* I changed my clothes, ate the food I was given, and played with the reclinable couch a little, while watching Beija roll over Te Lalaine again, with Te Sop laughing. *I was alive.* Nine o'clock. *I was gonna die.*
After thanking Beija's family, I grabbed my bag and trugded outside to my car. Te Lalaine gave me her signature bone-crushing hugs, as I bid goodbye to them. The three of them were at the gate, waving and cheering. *Lunatics...well, birds of a feather...* I got in the car, and closed the door. Only to find out that a yellow butterfly flew inside with me!
Me: *kicks open door* *swats around* "THERE'S A BUTTERFLY IN HERE!"
Them: *laughing their heads off*
Te Sop and Te Lalaine: "Ang galing!"
Beija: "Only goes to show, we're always with you, sis!"
Me: "Gago!"
Us: *laughing*
Fate may have screwed me over again, by making me leave so damn early, but... I was happy. My heart broke countless times that night, but I was happy... I thanked God for every second of it. I looked forward to the next time the four aswangs would meet again.
Abangan...ang susunod na kabanata!
IceQueen out.
Friday, April 23
Apr. 23 Fri.
"..." -me
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
IM SERIOUS.
...
I gotta tell you, I was on the verge of breaking down, and letting the Other take over and write this entry. I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open to look at the screen, or move my fingers to punch the keys...
I'm still on Step 2, and all this silence is making one hell of a good atmosphere for digging wounds deeper.
And the fact that nobody seemed to be available - through text or chat - is really not helping...
At first, I just dismissed it as some sort of coincidence. They might all be on some sort of family roadtrip, or gimmick, or something. Then around midday, I was afraid...scared that maybe everybody might be sick or had some sort of accident, coz they didn't seem to be anywhere today...I was terrified. The curse, dammit...
Then late in the afternoon, I just lost it. I was trudging around the house, in a trance. My eyes were half-closed, and I felt like I was dreaming. I can't recall everything I did...something like: Watch TV, flick through my favorite channels, stand up, walk around, crash on my bed, roll over and crash on the floor, get up, go online, wait, crash on the comp stand, log out, check my cel, drop my cel, turn on the radio, slam against the wall, drop to the floor, slowly blink away the tears that made my eyes ache...
I was alone today.
All alone.
*Just like old times.*
...
I heard so many songs today, songs that made me want to gurgle up blood.
They came one after the other, I was sure God was on a torture spree.
...
"Jelous of the one whose arms are around you...Jelous of the one who finally found you..."
"I'm so tired of being here...Supressed by all my childish fears..."
"I'm not a perfect person...as many things I wish I didn't do..."
"Your mother's gone, and your father hits you...Hold on, if you feel like letting go..."
"Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright..."
"...you only see me as a friend...I tell myself: wake up, fool, this fairy tale's got to end..."
...
Ah, but the winner:
"When I was a child the story would say
Somebody would sweep you off your feet someday
That's what I hoped would happen with you
More than you could know
I wanted to tell you that my heart's in your hands
I prayed for the day when I would get the chance
Just when I worked up the courage to try
Much to my surprise
You had somebody else
Cuz these feelings I keep to myself
[CHORUS:]
I may never get to hold you so tight
I may never get to kiss you goodnight
I may never get to look deep in your eyes
Or so it seems
I always will be wishing you were mine
I think about what could be all the time
All the happiness that I could find
Baby a girl can dream
From the moment I wake up
'Til I fall asleep
I imagine you not with her but with me
Talkin' and laughin'
Sharin' our dreams
It's just a fantasy
Cuz you had somebody else
Cuz these feelings I keep to myself
A girl can dream it's true
And to call you my own
Is the sweetest dream of all
Oh a girl can dream"
...
*closes eyes*
...
We had to pack our bags for Batangas, and dad left me in charge of everything. I pulled out a couple of shirts and pants, and just threw them on my bed. But dad and kuya were making such a fuss over everything. Dad was strict with the checklist, and kuya was giving suggestion after suggestion of outfits and outfit combinations. I just stood there, eyes half-closed, arms limp on my sides, hearing and vision blurring, fever rising, head spinning, skin tingling and sweating, hands and lips shaking...
I was on the verge of collapsing on the spot.
And all kuya said was:
"Huy, ano ba! Nakikinig ka ba?! At mag-straight back ka nga!!"
...
*closes eyes*
...
Can you...
Even...
START...
To imagine...
Having to go through this...
?
...
You run around your backyard, then you trip and fall over some stone sticking out of the ground. You get up, and wince and cry out "Ouch!" in pain, as you cover your hand over your knee. You take a look at it, and see a lightly bleeding scrape, specked a little by soil. You get up slowly, wincing all the while. You try to walk back to the house, but limp slightly at the stinging wound. Once inside, you call out: "Mom! Mommy? I got a wound..."
And she comes out from the kitchen or basement, and wipes her hands on her apron. She holds on to you, and takes a look at your wound. "Tsk, tsk...nako...mukhang malalim yan, a..." she would say. "O, upo ka muna, at lilinisin natin yan." You sit in a chair, as she looks for the Betadine and cotton. Your sibling comes in, sees you and your wound and goes: "Hala! Lagot ka, hahaha! May sugat ka, may sugat ka, nyenyenye!!!" And you say: "Tumigil ka nga!" as he sticks his tongue out at you.
Your mother comes back with the Betadine and cotton, and shoos away your sibling. She kneels beside you, and lightly wipes away the dirt on your knee. She then dabs the Betadine-filled cotton on your wound. You wince and say: "Ow! Ouch! Ack!" at every dab, and she says: "Ay, sorry...o, tahan na...o, last na, promise..."
She then pulls out a band-aid and gently sticks it onto your wound. "Ayan..." she would say. "All better. O, sa susunod, mag-ingat ka, ha?" And you would get up and mutter: "Yeah, yeah, mom...thanks." She would suddenly wrap her arms around you in a death grip and say: "O, kiss kita, para gumaling!" And she would kiss you. Your sibling watches, and laughs like a maniac and you would squirm and say: "Mo-m!"
Haha, sounds familiar? If it does, then good for you!
...
This is what happens to me:
I run around the backyard, then I trip and fall over some stone sticking out of the ground. Instead of getting up, I stay there. Roll over on my back, close my eyes, and bite down hard on my lip, just to keep myself from saying anything. When the initial shock has passed, I sit up and take a look at my knee. There is a lightly-bleeding gash, specked by a little soil. I close my eyes and mutter: "Oh...shit...lagot na 'ko..." I try to get up, but wince at the pain. I pause for a while and concentrate on the wound. Then I would bolt upright and straighten up, regardless of the pain, dust myself off and walk back to the house. Why do this suddenly? Because dad is looking over from the balcony, and if I stay there for too long, he would have spotted me, and scolded me for all the neighborhood to hear.
Once inside the house, I briskly walk towards my room. My brother pops out from his room, talking on the phone with his friend. "Anong problema mo?" he mouths at me. I just shake my head, and slowly turn my wound away from him, and proceed to walking to my room. Why not just tell him? If I did, he would go: "Ano ka ba?! Magkakapeklat ka nanaman, eh! Di mo kasi inaalagaan sarili mo, eh! Hay nako! Bahala ka!"
Before I can open the door, my dad comes out of his room, sees me and says: "O, Celine! Ano ba yan, ideretso mo nga yang likod mo, kuba ka nanaman! Ilang beses ko nang sinasabi sa yo, eh!" With my back to him, I would just nod and mutter: "Opo dad." As I turn the knob, he goes: "O, kakain na tayo, bumaba ka na." "Uh, sandali lang po, dad, may gagawin lang po ako," I reply. "Anong may gagawin ka pa?" he would ask. "Yan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, eh. Ang payat-payat mo na nga, ang hina-hina mo pa! Hay nako." I would just keep bite my tongue and enter my room, and fight the urge to bang the door over and over. My wound would be bleeding again, but I dare not tell my dad. Why? If I did, he would go: "ANO YAN?! Sugat nanaman?! Ano ka ba, Celine?! Patakbo-takbo ka pa kasi, eh! Saan ka ba sumemplang, ha? Tingnan mo nga yan! Magkakapeklat ka nanaman! Burara ka kasi, di mo inaalagaan sarili mo! O, linisin mo na yan!"
I grab a bottle of alcohol and tissue. I dust off the soil, and pour the alcohol all over the wound. I bite my lip at the pain. Masochist that I am, I do pretty much the same thing for around 3 times. Why? The physical pain...blocks out emotional pain. I dab at the wound with tissue until the bleeding stops. I don't bother to put a band-aid on it, since it will signify to my family that I have a wound.
There. That's my scenario.
...
Look, I know my dad and bro loves me very much. They do. I know that. It's just that...
...
They can't see me...
I'm right here, and after 15 years, they still can't see me.
...
I'm...
Right...
Here...
*closes eyes*
Thursday, April 22
Apr. 22 Thurs.
"The pain I inflict on her is nothing compared to what you - all of you - do to her! NOTHING!!!" -other
There is...too much pain.
My wounds...old ones, new ones, ones that already healed...all exploded with a new wave of pain and blood.
People have been...
Avoiding me...?
I dunno.
Nobody online, not even my barkada...
Nobody texting, hahaha...
Although...I was saved by a couple of people in the afternoon, and at midnight.
A vampire and an angel. Respectively.
Woah...ok, that sounds weird, but its true!
Kyra sent me this text, and I...I was pulled.
*Thanks, vamp, I really...needed that.*
And ate Sop was texting me from late night till dawn, really. She kept me awake...in more ways than one.
*Salamat, ate Sop...hindi talaga ako magsasawa sa kaka-thank you sa inyong tatlo.*
...
I think I'm gonna get confined soon. If not within this week, then next week. For some reason, my fever just...keeps on getting worse... (actually, I know why, and I'm just too stubborn to accept my fate.) And I pretend to be alright, coz my dad and bro - actually, my family is just dismissing it as another form of weakness on my part.
I am not weak.
And so I went with my bro to Cubao to shop for swimgear...we're supposed to go to Batangas for the weekend. You cannot even imagine how hot it was. I could feel my skin tingling, even if I was a few feet from direct sunlight. At some point, I think I got a heatstroke in the car, but kept it to myself, coz my bro would just think I was pathetic being so weak, and my dad would get angry at me. Yes, he would scold me. After laughing at me, that is.
I've lost a lot of protein and salt...an not to mention iron.
I'm so tired...
And scared, dammit.
I'm getting this weird feeling I'm gonna lose somebody...
I would hold my head in my hands to make it stop pounding, to make myself stop thinking...I would cover my eyes with my hand, to stop the tears...
And my dad and bro would see. And they would say:
"Ano ba yan?! Bakit ka nagaga-ganyan, ha?! Itigil mo nga yang kaartehan mo!"
I would just...
Keep quiet.
And check my cel for messages...none.
Sneak out late at night and go online...nobody.
I was...alone.
Before going to sleep, I tried to show dad this really good poem I read from one of ate Sop's entries. But the net crashed everytime I tried to access it. When I finally did, my dad was too busy talking with his friend on the phone. I wanted to scream.
"WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME, DAD?! WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU SEE ME?!"
I just muttered: "Ah, screw it! Forget it!!! He'd just criticize it anyway! Lahat naman, diba? Lahat ng mga bagay na nagagandahan ako, binabasura ng ibang tao!"
I stormed into my room and grabbed a pair of scissors. I crashed down on my bed and...
Well, if you must know, my bedsheet got ripped.
...
And so did my heart...
Tuesday, April 20
Apr. 20 Tues.
"Hm...so-so" -dad
He said it was 'so-so'. Complete with that pitied expression and hand gesture.
I really...
Don't like...
Sharing my thoughts...
With my dad.
It always ends up with me as the really pathetic trying-hard wannabe whatever in the end.
I end up wanting to tear myself to shreds.
I even pretend I heard this or saw that from somewhere and asked what he thought about it. Always criticized it. Always said it was too cynical or demented or negative. Always. What more if I said I was the one who wrote it?
Take this morning for example. I told him about this 'thing' I read on the net. It was really mine, but I just wanted to know what his reaction would be. As usual, he was just plain disgusted. Too demented, to negative. Too...pathetic. Wow. Good thing I told him it wasn't mine, right?
*Raises eyebrow* I'm a masochist, dear.
I told him some of my pieces. And he...
Well...
I ended up wanting to bash my head forward on my plate, over and over, until it shattered, then bury my head in mounds of rice.
...
So, dito ko na lang itatambak lahat.
This is what happens when I...erm...get a fever.
...
I wish to bleed:
To pour crimson life from my veins, to ease the pressure of passion from my aching heart...
I wish to weep:
To shed white-hot liquid crystals from my eyes, to tell the silent whispers of my writhing soul...
I wish to love:
To breathe in the morning light, taste the colors of the sunset, to hear the silent secrets of the moon whispering to the earth, to have the autumn breeze's fingers run through my hair...
Tears? The taste is sharp, yet the smell is quite subtle...
Like when the parched earth's thirst is quenched by the kisses of rain...
You opened my eyes...
And I'd never forget how beautiful the sunrise was.
Or how gorgeous the sunset...
Before you closed them.
I smiled...the warmest smile...
My lips tore and bled...
And my tears kissed them.
I collapsed,
Tired and weary
Against a wall and on the floor-
Whose stiff cold arms were ready for me
And soothed my burning fever...
Catch me, I cried ...
And yet the earth crossed its arms and gave way beneath me.
Hold me, I pleaded...
And yet the wind crossed its arms and merely caressed me.
See me, I begged...
And yet the fire crossed its arms and blinded me.
Stop me, I screamed...
And yet the water crossed its arms and drowned me.
Save me, I whispered...
And I fell asleep in the embrace of the man
Whose arms were wide open...
And never crossed.
...
I'm thinking...maybe the only person who can handle all my love is Jesus.
And He probably puts me through all...this...so I can see that.
*Am I really gonna be a nun?*
...
*She never hurt me...she isn't, and she never will.*
*It...it breaks what's left of my heart to know...that I'm hurting her.*
Thursday, April 15
Apr. 15 Thurs.
"Ah basta...cute lang siya nung duguan siya!" -make a wild guess.
This day started out wild...then wilder...then just plain fun, hehe.
It was my grandma's birthday! Kuya pretty much picked our flower garden clean, and made a boquet for her. Well, at least she was happier with her grandchildren than some of her children...
In the afternoon, I went to Big R with Ate Sop and Ate Nikita for some bonding time. When I got there, ate Sop was already waiting, and so we decided to eat lunch at McDonalds. I felt weird when I saw, hugged, and talked to her. I felt...as if I could fall asleep just being with her. I feel this way when I'm with my reasons. Specially with those certain three. My fever seemed to lighten a little. We were talking animatedly, before:
Te Sop&Me: (talking while walking in) (passes by the stereo)
Stereo: "And I'd give up forever to touch you..."
Me: (stops talking) (freezes in place)
Ate Sop: "Oy, Cel, what's wrong?"
Stereo: "...Coz I know that you feel me somehow..."
Me: (stays immobilized) (looks at the stereo) (wills it to explode)
Ate Sop: "Cel...? What's wrong?"
Stereo: "You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't wanna go home right now..."
Me: (rubs my eyes) "That song...damn it..."
Ate Sop: "Cel? Huy!" (prods me on the arm) "Don't you like that song?"
Me: (winces) "Ah, wala lang...order na tayo!"
Ate Sop: (raises eyebrow)
Te Sop&Me: (talking and eating while seated)
Stereo: "You left me with goodbye and open arms...A cut so deep I don't deserve..."
Me: (freezes up AGAIN) (blinks)
Te Sop: "O, ano nanaman? Ok ka lang talaga?!"
Me: "Er...hehe, la lang, im ok."
Te Sop: "Hmmm...talaga lang, ha?"
Me: "Ehehehe...er...gulat lang kasi ako, gusto ko ung mga kanta ng The Calling, eh! Astig pa ung boses nung vocalist!"
Te Sop: (raises eyebrow)
Me: (lowers gaze) "Parang lang kasi, eh...parang may nagpaparamdam..."
Ate Nikita came, and we spent our time chatting away before proceeding to the movies and watch Peter Pan. Surprisingly...the movie turned out a lot...erm... weirder than I expected. It was supposed to be a kiddie movie, but it was...gorey. No really. It was sadistic, violent, and greusome. All in all - disturbing.
After the movie, we decided to go down to the foodcourt and chat some more. Everywhere we went, all the guys turned and stared at Ate Nikita. Hm...no surprise there, hehe. So in return, ate Sop and I were growling and glaring at the guys. Hm...definitely no surprise there, haha! As we were chatting away, the serious topics suddenly turned to erm...less serious ones. But thought-provoking nonetheless, haha.
Ate Nikita: "Don't you think there's a subliminal message behind the story Peter Pan?"
Us: "Hmm...Siguro..."
Ate Nikita: "I mean...Take Alice in Wonderland. Siguro nag-drugs siya kaya napunta siya sa mundong yon!"
Us: "Oo nga, ano!" (laughing our heads off)
Us: (silent)
Me: (watching the guys at the Dance Maniax game)
Ate Sop: (playing with her celphone)
Ate Nikita: "Cute ni Peter Pan!"
Me: (chokes)
Ate Sop: "Ano?!"
Ate Nikita: "Oo kaya! Diba?"
Ate Sop: "Well...sa ibang scenes, oo...Kaw, Cel? What do you think?"
Me: "What?! Me? Ay...I don't know. Wala akong alam jan!"
Them: (raises eyebrows)
Me: "Ah, basta! Cute lang siya nung duguan siya!"
Am I a sadist, or what.
Ate Sop snapped me out of my trance countless times that day. And I was quite thankful that she did, or I would have drowned in my dark thoughts once more...
And quite interestingly, Ate Sop kept asking for the time. I would look at my watch, then suddenly hide my hand behind my back. She would just stare. I'd give her the time, after nervously adjusting my wristwatch. But three times, she just grabbed my hand and looked at my watch. I would just give off a faint "eep" sound, hehe...he...
...
One more thing. Last night was weird. And downright scary. Why? Well...here's what happened.
A) WHAT I REMEMBERED ABOUT LAST NIGHT:
I went upstairs at 10:30pm to try to go online. My dad was watching TV, so I decided to just wake up at 11:00pm and see if dad was asleep, and then go online. I said goodnight to my dad, and proceeded to my room, where Ate Wilma was(she sleeps in my room). I looked at my cell to see if I had any messages. None. I asked ate Wilma to wake me up when my cell alarmed. I put my cell beside my pillow, curled up, and fell asleep. When I woke up, it was 2:30am, and my cell was nowhere to be found. I just crept out of my room and went online. At dawn, my dad woke up, and we had breakfast.
Not so freaky, eh? Well...wait till I tell you what Ate Wilma told me the morning after.
(after breakfast)
Me: "Ate Wilma, ba't di mo ko ginising kagabi?"
Ate Wilma: (bewildered stare) "Ano? Ginising kita!"
Me: "Hah? Nagising ako 2:30am na! At nawawala pa cellphone ko..."
Ate Wilma: "Ano?! Nag-thank you ka pa nga sakin kagabi, nung ginising kita, eh! At nasa dresser mo ang celphone mo."
Me: "Wha...?" (blinks) "Ba...bakit nasa dresser yun? Sinong naglagay dun?"
Ate Wilma: "Eh di ikaw! Ang tagal mo nga nagpipi-pindot ng celphone mo nung ginising kita, eh."
Me: (shocked) "ANO?! HINDI KAYA! W-WALA..."
Ate Wilma: "Bakit? Hindi mo ba maalala?! Andami mo pa ngang pinagsasa-sabi nung ginising kita, eh!"
Me: (stands up) "ATE. WALA AKONG MAALALA! OH MY GOD..."
Ate Wilma: "Hah?! Talaga?"
Me: (holds her by the shoulders) "Ate...SABIHIN MO SAKIN LAHAT NG GINAWA KO KAGABI! PLEASE!"
She did.
I freaked. I remember absolutely nothing!
B) WHAT REALLY HAPPENED LAST NIGHT (ACCORDING TO ATE WILMA)
Everything was right, before I curled up in bed. The freaky stuff happened after I woke up. After a few minutes, I sat up in my bed and told ate Wilma:
"Ate...paki-gising naman ako mamayang alas-onse. Mag-iinternet kasi ako, eh."
She agreed, and I went back to sleep. At 11:00pm, my cell alarmed, and Ate Wilma woke me up. I sat up on the bed. I just sat there for 5mins straight, staring blankly. Then another 5mins just fumbling with my cellphone. Ate Wilma was staring curiously. She was sleepy, but she stayed awake, just watching me. Sounds from the TV in the living room could still be heard.
Me: "Ate, sinong nano-nood ng TV sa labas? Si kuya ba?"
Ate Wilma: "Ah, hindi. Tulog na kuya mo. Daddy mo ata yun, eh, di pa tulog."
Me: "Aahh...Hintayin ko na lang kaya siya makatulog, bago ako mag-oonline."
Ate Wilma: "Ah...okay."
And so we waited. Ate wilma was just staring at me, as I just sat there on my bed, motionless. Occasionally texting away on my cel, or smiling to myself as I stared blankly. After some time...
Ate Wilma: "Len...matulog ka na kaya, mukhang matagal pa ata daddy mo, eh."
Me: "Oo nga, eh...ah, sige, matutulog na lang muna ako." (puts cel on the dresser) "Ate, paki gising naman ako pag nakatulog na si daddy."
Ate Wilma: "Sige."
Me: (curls up in bed) "Good night, ate..." (smiles)
Ate Wilma: (bewildered stare) "Er...good night rin...?"
She tried to wake me up when dad went to sleep, but I wouldn't wake up...
Freaky, right?
Don't think so?
Well, for one thing, I REALLY can't remember any of that!
Another thing: I was too kind and polite, hehe.
And lastly: It couldn't have been me. Why? I said "Paki gising naman ako mamayang ALAS-ONSE..."
I NEVER TELL THE TIME IN TAGALOG!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT 'ONSE' IS!
...
So which one was it that took over? The Other, or The Cursed Child?
Or was I just sleepwalking?
Dun dun duuuuunnnn...
And one last thing. I told this to Ate Sop as we were eating at McDo. She freaked out too! Why?
Coz that night, she recieved a text message from me at around 11:00pm. It said:
"Ate Sop...I sure hope you're ayt."
She just stared at her cell, haha...ha...
Come to think of it...it's a good thing Ate Wilma didn't ask me any personal questions...and I didn't spill anything to anybody...my dad was just outside! *sweatdrop*
And I sure as hell hope I didn't text anybody else!
*What in the world did I eat that night?!*
Icequeen out.
Wednesday, April 14
Apr. 14 Wed.
"I'll wait..." -me
Taking the Steps 101: Once you've started, never stop or pause or go back.
But I did.
Other: You WHAT?!?!
Cursed: ...
Other: This is an outrage! Why the HELL did you postpone the steps?!
Cursed: Because...well, coz I didn't want her to feel bad...
Other: That's it?!
Cursed: That's reason enough! I'd rather suffer and die a thousand greusome deaths than to make her live the rest of her life in guilt and depression because of me!
Other: *Laughs*
Cursed: Wha...?
Other: You're not a very good liar, Cursed Child.
Cursed: I'm not lying! I love her! In...love with her even...
Other: SHUT UP! DAMMIT, (brandishing her chains) DON'T YOU THINK I ALREADY KNOW THAT?! GOD! WHENEVER I TRY TO REACH HER, I CAN HARDLY LIFT THE WEIGHT OF ONE FINGER COZ OF YOUR STUPID SHACKLES OF LOVE!
Cursed: Then you know I speak the truth. I'll delay the steps. I'll wait. All just to keep her from suffering... That is the truth. And you know it.
Other: Yes. But...that is not the whole truth...there is something more...
Cursed: There is nothing more!
Other: Give it a rest, I'm your friggin alter ego, do you think I can't see behind your mask?
Cursed: ...
Other: Do you think I can't see you...within the folds of your blood-splattered wings?
Cursed: What do you see, then...?
Other: I see...
(silence)
Other: Hope.
Cursed: ...
Other: ARGH!!! (wraps chains around Cursed's neck and slams her against the wall) YOU STUPID' BI*&H!!! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO HAVE HOPE! THERE IS NO HOPE!
Cursed: Ack...What are you...talking about?
Other: You know exactly what I'm talking about! You postponed the steps because you still think you have a chance!
Cursed: ...
Other: (slams Cursed's head against the wall until blood trickles out) How (slam) many (slam) times (slam) do I have to tell you that (tightens grip around her neck) she will never...never...ever love you the same way you love her...(loosens grip) Accept it...just...accept it...
Cursed: (closes eyes)
Other: Have mercy on yourself...for once! You were never meant to be saved... You were never meant to be loved... You know this! You are just too stubborn to accept it!
Cursed: But still...I...
Other: I told you this once before...that day when you were killed with 4 little words...A FROZEN HEART CANNOT BEAT AND BLEED FOR A FORGOTTEN LOVE...HOW MUCH MORE FOR A LOVE THAT CAN NEVER BE?!
Cursed: I...I cannot help it...
Other: Argh! Fine then! Have it your way! But I assure you...and I'm sure you already know this...
Cursed: What?
Other: If you delay the steps...you will risk falling deeper in love with her. And you will not only get hurt because of this, you will...DIE.
Cursed: I...I won't care...
Other: Yes...But who do you think will be holding the knife? Who will be holding the bow? Who will be holding the gun? Oh yes...it will be HER.
Cursed: I...No, I trust her, she would never-
Other: *Laughs* Pathetic, stupid, gullible as usual... But hear this. (grabs her by the neck) If she kills you...I will kill her.
Cursed: NO! I will never let you! NEVER! Besides, she says she would never hurt me...and even if she did... I... I'd just love her even more...
Other: ARGH!!! DAMN IT!!! YOU LOVE TOO MUCH!!! (tightens grip)
Cursed: Ack...
Other: (inhale) (loosens grip) Yes, maybe you will. But if she doesn't kill you...(grins)
Cursed: Wha...?
Other: I'LL MAKE SURE SHE FINDS REASON TO DO SO.
Love goes hand-in-hand with Pain.
And Pain...
Goes hand-in-hand with Death.
...
But doesn't Death go hand-in-hand with Life too?
And where Life is, there is also Hope...
And Hope brings Love...
...
Damn loops.
...
But still. I will undergo whatever torture Pain and Fate will send me...
For the ones I love.
*So help me God.*
Apr. 14 Wed.
"Hide me in Thy wounds..." -AnimaChristi
*My heart is ready, Lord...what's left of it, that is.*
Step 2:
Kiss of Pain. I must use Pain to drown out all emotions. All the love, happiness, and sadness must be overwhelmed by a single thing. How to do this?
Open up old wounds. And dig the gashes deeper. And for me old wounds include: Family. Friends. People I loved. People who used to love me. Situations that hurt me. And killed me. I can't expound on this step, for the sake of the viewers of this blog. Too greusome.
Want a mental picture?
Hmm...something like the scene in The Passion of the Christ, scourging at the pillar. Yes.
I remembered that scene. Man...you cannot even imagine the gore. I lay on my bedroom floor and made a mental picture of Him. Then of me. I...couldn't take it. No matter what suffering I go through, He has suffered more. My God, my tourniqet...
I wanted to crawl into His wounds and hide. To be near somebody who could comprehend...who could understand. Somebody who I could love and not get hurt...not die... I longed to fall asleep to the soft lullaby of a beating heart.
Funny, though. I can relate to Jesus again...
...
There was one old wound...that never really healed at all. Just covered in bandages. An empty gash, for it already ran out of blood. I reached deep inside the cold depths of my mind. I kept a part of myself just for the memory of...him. I never wanted to come here ever again. But still...it was filled with Pain.
A dark void. Nothing but darkness, and a small patch of earth, pulsating with a faint red warmth glowing from beneath. A girl was there, all alone. Her long ebony locks softly cascading over her oval face and slender shoulders. Her tattered ivory dress loosely clinging on to her coffee-colored skin. She was lying down with her ear pressed against the earth, basking in its soft, warm pulse. Clutched in her hands were her dearest possessions: An open letter, a yellow button-down polo shirt, and a necklace with a pendant - that had a swirling crimson and azure glow. She closes her dreamy eyes, and smiles to herself. She is lost. Forever lost in her memories...her precious memories... She would rather be locked here forever in the deepest depths of my mind, whispering...constantly whispering:
"I'll never forget you..."
...
Even In Death
by Evanescence
Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home
[CHORUS:]
I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on
Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me
[Chorus]
And I can't love you, anymore than I do
Tuesday, April 13
Apr. 13 Tues.
"Father...rise up and save me!" -Jesus
The Steps...I thought I would never have to use them again. I only did them once before. I did my best to avoid having to end up using them, but still...
Love is illogical. It is the only thing I couldn't understand.
Love is the only thing I ever wanted. And it is the only thing I cannot have.
And yet...I give so much of it away...
God, I love too much.
...
But it's for the best. I won't risk causing any more pain or confusion or fights. I'll save them. I'll fix this. I'll take the damn Steps.
Step 1:
Acknowledge and Accept. I have to acknowledge my situation. I have to accept the circumstances, and what I have to do. Most especially, what's sure to happen. This step is, believe it or not, the most difficult. Accepting your fate is that hardest part, believe me. Because this is the part where you know you cannot escape.
And so it went. Step 1. Usually, it lasts for a long time, because...c'mon, it ain't really that easy forseeing the pain and death you have to go through, and having to accept it. But...mine only lasted a couple of hours. The emptiest hours. Also the part where it doesn't really hurt...it ACHES...
I found myself absent-minded. Hollow. Then suddenly surged with all the pain. Then hollow again. Then despairing. I was reeling. There was nobody to talk to, nobody to hold on to, nobody...only myself. And I hated myself. My barkada had each other, and their families, Ate Lalaine had her bescuz, Ate Sop had her family and Beija, and Beija had her mom and ate Sop. And I had...
Ally.
The most confusing part of Step 1 is where you find yourself doubting God. It seems as if He has left you, let go of you...forsaken you. I hated it. I hated having to doubt God. Even though He allows me to go through this, I didn't want to desert Him. Even if He DID desert me, I wasn't going to. I asked God to help me get through this. To keep me holding on. To give me some sort of sign that I'm not alone in this, and everything's gonna be ok. And so I watched the DVD of The Passion of the Christ for the nth time. I never really paid much attention to the first scene, but...
Wow. I was stunned...
The Agony in the Garden...The part about Christ's suffering we usually neglect. And yet...it was probably the part where Jesus suffered most. Why? Because it was the part where He foresaw the betrayal, pain, suffering, and death that would befall Him, and yet He still accepted...
Why?
Because He loved us too much.
I was staring at the screen, slightly gaping. It was...weird. I thought I was alone in this. I thought God had forsaken me. And yet...He went through the same thing...the same thing for the same reasons...just like me...
...
I prayed.
Opening line?
*Man, God...You're weird...*
Monday, April 12
Apr. 12 Mon.
"Make a wild guess." -Hook
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY, AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY...DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
I woke up today, and couldn't open my eyes properly. Why? Make a wild guess.
Dad, kuya, and grandma said my face looked somewhat brighter. Why? Make a wild guess.
I was dancing and singing in the shower. Why? Make a wild guess.
I decide not to go through with archery. The reason why hurt like hell, and yet I let the anger be overwhelmed with love and pain. Why? Make a wild guess.
I agreed to go shopping at the mall with kuya. Why? Make a wild guess.
I allowed kuya to make me use make-up, moisturizing creams, and lotion. Why? Make a wild guess.
I bought an orange two-piece swimsuit, and a pair of brightly-colored floral printed pair of pants - and allowed my bro to see me fit them. Why? Make a wild guess.
I was smiling at everybody in the mall, and they were staring back. Why? Make a wild guess.
I ate two cups of rice, three glasses of soda, and two plates of my grandma's dishes. Why? Make a wild guess.
I stared at my grandma's posters of Jesus for the longest time. Why? Make a wild guess.
I took a nap that lasted 6 hours. Why? Make a wild guess.
I pressed my knuckles against my reflection in the mirror until it bent. Why? Make a wild guess.
I ate everything they served at dinner. Why? Make a wild guess.
I made a joke, and ended up wanting to scream. Why? Make a wild guess.
I found myself grasping my ponytail, and about to snip my locks to a boy-cut with a large pair of scissors. Why? Make a wild guess.
I had to tighten my watch around my left wrist to keep it in a specific position. Why? Make a wild guess.
I listened to all the sentimental songs that used to summon all my emotions, and I didn't feel a thing. Why? Make a wild guess.
I sang My Immortal, I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing, God Must Have Spent a Little More Time On You, I'm Still Here, Rest in Pieces, Iris...and I shed no tears. Why? Make a wild guess.
I listened to Hold On on the radio, and curled up on my bedroom floor. Why? Make a wild guess.
I chipped my fingernails. Why? Make a wild guess.
The wood on the floor, cabinet, doors, and walls got deep scrape marks. Why? Make a wild guess.
I coughed up lungchunks, specked with blood. Why? Make a wild guess.
Late at night, my throat tightened, my head pounded, and my heart ached. Why? Make a wild guess.
Late at night, I hated myself to the full extreme. Why? Make a wild guess.
At dawn, I died. And yet, I was still happy. Why? Make a wild guess.
At dawn, I pressed my hand against the monitor. Why? Make a wild guess.
At dawn, I slept, and let the Other take over. Why? Make a wild guess.
At sunrise, I took Steps. The steps that would ultimately hurt and kill me, but would make my loved ones happy. Why? Make a wild guess.
At sunrise, I let them go. Why? Make a wild guess.
I chose to suffer and die a gruesome death for the sake of the people I love. Why?
MAKE A WILD GUESS.
...
If you answered "Because you love too much" to any of these...
You guessed right.
Sunday, April 11
Apr. 11 Sun.
"I want you to be mine..." -me
I'm starting to run out of tears again.
Two recurring dreams in one night...
Dream 1:
I was lying down on the bed in my grandma's house. I couldn't seem to move... It felt like I was on my deathbed, or something. I was sick, tired, and drowsy, and my limbs felt heavy - exactly how it feels like when my psychosomatic sleep thing kicks in full force. I could see my right arm stretched out beside me, my fingers barely twitching. It was a sickeningly warm day, and the sunlight was pouring through the window to my left. I looked at the window, and saw this small brown bird - a sparrow, or a maya or something. It was twitting happily, and darting in and out of the window. It hopped around on the bed, and flew around me. It seemed to want to keep me company...I smiled. It flew towards the window to go outside. I glared at the window, and it shut. The bird flew towards the other windows and doors. I glared at them too, and they all shut. The bird had nowhere else to go. I was selfish, but I didn't want to be alone. I wanted it to be with me...It hopped close to my right hand. I summoned all my remaining strength and clutched the little bird. I wanted to keep it to myself, and hold it close...but it was reluctantly wriggling in my loose grasp. It wanted to be with me, but it also wanted to be free... I felt sad. Heartbroken, really.
*I want you to be mine...It's not fair, I just found you...I don't want to let you go...*
But I did. I opened my hand, and let the little bird fly away. It flew up through a hole in the cieling, and was gone. I was alone once more.
Dream 2:
I was in some sort of beach house. I was in my swimsuit, and was about to go outside. I stopped by a bathroom door, and opened it. The moment I flicked on the light, I felt a sense of drowsiness...like I fell into a trance. I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and pain - the things I suppressed all these years. It was a while before I noticed somebody was already in the room. There was a tall, dark figure in front of me. It looked blurred - like a reflection in a wet mirror.
I stood immobilized, still hurting with all the emotions, as the figure drifted closer, and touched the side of my face. The moment it touched me, all the emotions seemed to amplify and washed over me like a tidal wave. I couldn't bear it. I collapsed. The figure caught me. It carried me and laid me inside a bathtub full of water. As it was lowering me in the warm water, I grew afraid. I tried to sqirm out of its arms and get away. And quite shockingly, it kissed me. Once again, the emotions washed over me, and I was immobilized once again. It lowered me gently, until I was completely submerged. I closed my eyes. The drowning sensation made me feel numb, and seemed to silence the emotions. I felt peace at last...
But I heard voices. It was my Dad's and Kuya's, asking what I was doing, and what was taking so long. I opened my eyes, and realized I didn't want to drown...I wanted to go to the beach. I tried to stand up, but a hand reached down and clamped around my neck. I couldn't get up. I couldn't breathe. I expected them to come and help me, but a voice just like mine spoke up:
"Uh, that's okay, I'm just playing with the water. Mauna na kayo, I'll catch up with you guys later!"
They bought it, and left.
Impostor! I reached up and tried to strangle, or scratch or punch, or whatever that...thing. It held my wrists with its other hand. It told me in a voice just like mine:
"Don't struggle, don't fight it. It's for the best. There is nothing for you here, nothing, never. Rest...rest..."
I was shocked. Who the hell was this creature?! But for some reason, I stopped struggling after it said that...
That was until, more people came. My barkada with Mikee B. stopped by the door, and asked what I was doing. The figure answered the same thing, and they believed it, and left like my Dad and bro. I tried to struggle once more, but it just said the same thing to me, and I stopped. Then, the Trios came along. Their voices seemed a lot more worried than the others', and it took a longer time for them to be convinced by the impostor. I struggled, flailed, and screamed like heck, but to no avail. The grip was too solid, and the water blocked out all sound that escaped my lips.
They left.
I knew nobody else would come. The door closed. I was alone with this...thing, and I was sure to drown. I just closed my eyes, and accepted this inevitable fate. I silenced my mind, and relished the sense of peace. I was going to rest. I was going to rest...And all thanks to this sadistic impostor.
But then...I realized something. This creature...wasn't so sadistic as I first thought it was. The grip it had on my neck - it wasn't tight at all. In fact, the only reason why my neck was aching, was that I was struggling, and trying to get up. And the grip around my wrists wasn't tight either. It spoke:
"There is nothing for you here, nothing, never. Happiness for you is short-lived and surreal. The only real thing for you is suffering, and you wish to escape from it. Here. I give you escape. I give you peace. At last. At long last. I am the only one who will love you. I am the only one you have."
The placid bathwater was disturbed by a sigle drop of tear that escaped the creature's eye. Ripples started to form. I opened my eyes and looked up to the figure. Interesting enough, the ripples cleared up the blurred image of the figure. I saw what it was. And I felt...I lost all feeling.
It was me.
Saturday, April 10
Apr. 10 Sat.
"May problema?" -me
WARNING: CYNICAL ENTRY.
Black Saturday. We attended an Easter Vigil late at night, at our parish. We were required to wear something white. I did, much to my disdain. And much to the shock of the people in our parish. They were so used to seeing me in black shirts, black pants, my hair veiling my face, and shooting daggers with my hollow, narrowed eyes. And now, they see me all bright and smiling, my hair in a tidy braid, in an elegant white blouse...they couldn't believe it.
Heck, even Sir Mark stared in disbelief for about...5 seconds.
Big deal.
How was the vigil? Well, to sum it all up, it was a grueling 3 hours of nonstop barok readings, out of tune responsorial psalms, and repetitive cycles of kneel-stand-kneel-stand, and response-nod off-response-nod off. At least the choir was getting better, and the instrumentalists were not that bad. I pointed out Sir Mark who was playing the electric guitar which seemed too big for him. Kuya was laughing his head off. I wasn't. I miss biology classes.
After the vigil, was the Salubong. It was supposed to symbolize the meeting of Jesus and Mother Mary on the day of His resurrection, and Mary's black veil of mourning would be changed to a white veil of rejoicing. To pull the ceremony off, all the women and girls in our parish were to go to one end of the road to accompany the statue of Mary. Same went for the men and boys of the parish, on the other side of the road to accompany the statue of Jesus. The two statues were to be carried and were to meet at the chapel. Nice program.
Except for the part where Dad dragged me along with him to the Jesus statue's side of the road. I tried to argue, but Dad wouldn't have any of it. I was bursting to tell him that being surrounded by countless guys in the middle of the night in a darkened alley, where it was officially a 'guy' place...wasn't really my cup of tea. Dad just reassured me that it was no big deal, and nobody would really mind. Yeah right.
The giggles of the girls grew fainter with every step, and were replaced with loud guffaws and cheers. The smell of cigarette smoke started to fill the air. Small stones and pebbles were being thrown in one direction, to see who could throw the farthest. Everybody was wearing loose shirts, and cargo pants. Backs were hunched over, and hair was a lot shorter. With a single glance at me walking towards them, the goofing-around stopped, and all eyes were on this tall girl clad in white, clinging to her father's arm.
Oh yes. I was offically in the realm of the y-chromosome creatures. And it WAS a big deal. And they DID mind.
Dad was oblivious to the unusual silence and stares. He was just socializing with his parish friends, which left the teenage guys and boys just standing idly. And as for me? I just stood in the middle of the road, a long way from them, in my famous 'sadako' defense mode. But as I summoned all my anger and pain that I kept for so long, I had enough. I let the Other take over. It was cool. She ditched the 'girl' mode, and switched to 'androgynous'. Everyone was stunned. Seriously.
Me: (passing my hand over my face)
Guys: (staring, chuckling, pointing in my direction)
Me: (pause) (breathe deeply) (opens eyes)
Guys: (for some reason, they gasped slightly, and takes one step back)
Me: (walks over to them)
Guys: (bewildered stares)
Me: (removes my braid, and runs my hand through my hair) (rolls up my sleeves)
Guys: (still staring)
Me: (looks at them) (low tone) "May problema?"
Guys: (raises eyebrows)
Some guy: (grins) (shakes head)
Me: (grins) "Heh."
Guys: (resume goofing around)
Somehow, it feels better when she takes over. I get to rest. I get to hide. I get to be seen...without really being seen. I get to do the things I feel like doing, and feel no shame. I become more confident. I become more honest. But of course, it also has its drawbacks...
One of these days, she's gonna break her chains and take over when I least expect it. Or worse: when I least want her to. And she's gonna tell the whole world what I've tried so hard to hide for so long. She will hunt, hurt, and kill. She will reveal the truth to my murderers, before murdering them. She will destroy so many things. She will reveal the truth to the world, regardless of the bad effects it may have on many people. She will cross the chasms of heaven, hell, and purgatory, and have vengeance beyond the grave. She will redeem me. She will make up for all the pointless pains and sufferings I have endured. And I won't be able to stop her.
And what's worse?
I'm looking forward to it.
...
Icequeen out.
Apr. 10 Sat.
"Lord, pinagtutulungan ako ng dalawang angel o!" -me
Saturday morning. We had loads of laughs at the breakfast table, thanks to my kuya's uncanny impersonation of his college prof. I started to think it was so unnatural that we were getting along this much.
Well...at around 11am, things got back to normal.
He killed me! Yay! An 8.5, I'd say...or a 9!
Why? Coz of such a little thing. He wanted me to go to the parlor with him to get a manecure-pedicure, and I didn't want to go, coz I just opened YM, and ate Sop was just introduced me to ate Frances. He left, leaving my nerves frazzled with shock, and teetering on the brink of sleep. Fate...damn it, he intervened again. Ate Sop wouldn't even let me TRY, and ate Frances...well...pretty much interrogated me. I was so embarrassed with ate Frances, coz the first impression I gave her was that of a pathetic 15-year old kid who was rude enough to DC 2mins after getting introduced, then turning out to be a shallow, suicidal freak. Well...she didn't think so.
Wow...it was unbelievable. She was saving me...and we haven't even known each other for more than an hour. She ended up wanting to track down kuya and my dad to "know her enemy". I agreed with ate Sop. She was like a member of the Angel Mafia, or something. Cool. She tackled it just the way I used to...ask direct questions, but not too harsh or cold. Pity I had to DC, though, coz I thought kuya and dad were on thier way home.
Salamat, ate Frances. You saved me. You probably have no idea how much that 1 hour chatting with you has helped. *smiles*
I fell asleep. It was warm as the 3rd stage of hell, but I tucked myself up to my neck under the covers. I had my shades on. I hugged Ally tight. And the last thing I remembered was the faint squishy sound Ally made when I nudged my head, coz he was soaked...
"Celine, gising na."
I opened my eyes. I looked up to this creature who dared wake me from my deep slumber...
Funny. The person who drove me to sleep was the one who woke me up.
Lunch:
Dad: "O, Celine, nakatulog ka?"
Me: "Opo dad." (pause) (stares blankly) "Ang lalim nga ng pagtulog ko, eh..."
Dad: "Talaga? Buti naka-ahon ka!" (laughs)
Kuya: (laughs)
Dad&Kuya: (looks at me)
Me: (poker-face) (stares blankly) (slowly smiles)
(silence)
Me: "Eh...nangako ako, eh." (closes eyes) (smiles)
Kuya apologized. He said he only wanted me to learn how to maintain the little things, then move on to the bigger things in my life. I ended up goin to the salon with him, and get that damned manecure-pedicure. I also ended up with a bleeding toe, coz of the carelessness of the one who cut them. It was ok. The pain was a rush. And the fact that she kept pouring alcohol on it, made me laugh. It freaked her out.
Lady: (cutting my nails) "Ay! Ay, masakit ba?!"
Me: (eye twitches) "Hm...hindi naman, po. Bakit?"
Lady: "Eh kasi, dumudugo na, eh!"
Me: "Talaga?! Ah...okey lang po yan, sanay na ko."
Lady: (pours alcohol over the wound) "Mahapdi ba?"
Me: "Hm...Hindi naman." (laughs)
Lady: (freaked out stare)
I had to stop the bleeding, though. Ate Sop commanded so. And so I tried. I pressed a wad of cotton against it. Didn't work. I pressed my finger against it. Nope. I tried other various things, but still...it bled. Profusely.
I stared at it. I watched the bright crimson blood slowly trickle out of the tiny wound. The blood stained my sandals. There was just...so much blood...and it just...wouldn't stop bleeding...
Presto. An omen.
Wednesday, April 7
Apr. 7 Wed.
"You look...pretty when you cry..." -dude
I woke up this morning and...found it really hard to open my eyes. Physically. Why? They got swollen last night due to severe loss of protein, hehe...
I looked in the mirror, and hardly recognized myself.
*Holy crap...my eyes got all...chinky!*
So this is what I get for crying. I told you I hated it. I trained myself not to, ever since I was 9. It takes the world to make me shed a single emotional tear. And the fact that I DID cry...you can imagine the reasons why...
I trudged downstairs for breakfast with my dad and bro. I sat down, still groggy, and led the prayers. As I was reaching for the rice, I noticed that dad and kuya were not moving. They were...
Staring at me.
*Oh no...I forgot to put on my friggin shades!!!*
I rubbed my eyes and pretended to yawn. I made them think that I just didn't get enough sleep. Well, at least they bought it...
Kuya: "O, anung nangyari sa mata mo?!"
Me: "Ah, eh...di ako makatulog kagabi, eh..."
Dad: *raises eyebrow* "Talaga lang..." *takes a closer look* "O baka...nagii-iyak ka?!"
Me: "Hindi po..."
Dad: "Anong hinde?! Umiyak ka, eh!"
Me: *monotone* "Hindi ako umiiyak."
(silence)
Me: "Bakit, pangit ung itsura ng mga mata ko, noh?"
Kuya: "Actually...ang ganda nga, eh."
Me: (chokes on food) "Ack...ANO?!"
Dad: "Oo nga, ano..."
Dad&Kuya: (stares at me)
Me: "WHA...WHAT THE HECK..?"
Kuya: "Parang nag-brighten ung face mo..."
Dad: "Di na parang dati na monotonous poker-face, haha!"
Kuya: "Mukha kang babae from a Byzantine painting. Ang ganda."
Me: (eyes widen) (lowers gaze) (reminisces...)
At the mall, Kuya didn't allow me to wear my shades. I wore a semi-gothic outfit to compensate. Funny, everybody kept staring at my face - usually they just look at my almost abnormally-long legs. I just stared back. We watched the movie The Passion of the Christ. Even more people stared. But hey, I can't blame them. I mean, its not everyday you see a 5'9 girl wearing a black razor top, stretch jeans, silver cross necklace, and a silver upper arm slave bracelet walk into a cinema premiering a religous movie. But I still wondered out loud.
Me: (to Kuya) "Why are they staring at my face? Ganon ba ako ka-pangit?"
Kuya: "NO! Like I said kaninang umaga, its coz of your eyes."
Me: "What about them?!"
Kuya: "Di ko alam kung anong ginawa mo jan sa mga mata mo, pero for some reason...they look pretty..."
Me: (pause) "Well, take a picture. You'll never see me like this ever again..." (reminisces...)
...
Once upon a forgotten time, I always thought he was just joking...
Tuesday, April 6
Apr. 6 Tues.
"Angdaya talaga...angdaya..." -me
Ayoko talagang umiyak. Ayoko. Pakiramdam ko, mahina ako. Walang kwenta. At isa pa, pagtapos kong umiyak, nanghihina ako. Seryoso. Lagi akong nagkakasakit pagtapos kong lumuha. Kaya ko tinigilan ang pag-iyak. Dati pa yon.
Hanggang ngayon.
Ang aga-aga pa, pinatay na ako ng pamilya ko. Nawalan na ako ng pag-asa, ni hindi pa sumisikat ang araw. Ano ba yan, Panginoon...heto nanaman ako. Gilitin Mo na nga lang ang lalamunan ko. Tagain Mo na lang ang puso ko. Kahit ano, basta patigilin Mo na ang walang katuturang pagdurusa ko.
Kinantahan ako. Wala akong masabi. Kung sino man ang kayang gawing salita ang mga naramdaman ko noong mga sandaling iyon, hindi ka tao. Sobra-sobra ang kasiyahan. Ngunit hindi ako makatawa. Masyadong mababaw ang mga tawa para sa kasiyahan ko. Napangiti na lamang ako. Ang hirap. Kasi nabasag nanaman ang lecheng puso ko. Gusto kong sumigaw. Gusto kong magwala. Gusto kong pasabugin ang sarili ko. Nanginginig ang bibig ko. Sumasakit ang ulo. Sumisikip ang lalamunan na parang may bola ng kumpol-kumpol na dugo na hindi ko malunok. Kinagat ko na lamang ang labi ko. Pinikit ang mga nagbabagang mata.
Hayun.
Nagsituluan ang mga luha.
Ang unang mga sinag ng araw sa Silangan ay tumama sa mga luha ng sinumpang bata.
Bagong araw nanaman.
*Pangalawang beses na 'to...pangalawang beses...hindi pa rin napa saakin.*
*Angdaya talaga...angdaya...*
Wala akong ibang ginawa kundi ang lumuha. Wala na akong ibang magawa. Hindi ko masaktan ang sarili, hindi ko mapatulog ang sarili, walang pwedeng sisihin...naiwan akong kasama ang mga memorya ko. Kasama ng walang-hiya kong alter ego. Kasama ni Tadhana. Kasama ng aking sarili. Mag-isa muli. Naliligaw sa kawalan ng aking isipan.
Sumalpak ako sa pader ng kwarto ko. Hindi masakit. Nawalan lang ako ng hininga nang ilang sandali. Kumapit ako sa sarili ko. Grabe. Parang Twilight Zone. Angdami kong narinig...mga salita't kanta. Bawat isa, may sariling storya. Bawa't isa may lamang luha't dugo. Bawa't isa may sari-sariling lasa. Mapait na matamis. Bon apetit.
"Your pathetic nature never ceases to amaze me...and the fact that I've been with you for 15 years...that's saying something."
"Yang kapatid ko? Hay, nako, don't worry. Duwag yan, di nya kayang magsumbong."
"Oh my God...she's your SISTER?! No way! Ahahaha, that's a good one!"
"Ang payat-payat mo na nga, ang hina-hina mo pa!"
"You're like the big sister I never had..."
"Oh, great. What a way to end my week..."
"I love you, my girl. I miss you."
"Si Estrada? Nerd yan!"
"This is Celine...no, not really. She's just a...classmate of mine back in AA."
"Hay nako, nagpapa-epek nanaman si Celine."
"What a pathetic story!"
"It's all her fault!!!"
"I'm sorry, do I know you? I don't believe I've met you before..."
"What will you do now, CursedChild?"
"A frozen heart cannot beat for a forgotten love...how much more for a love that can never be?"
"I'd rather suffer and die with the memory of you..."
"I can't exactly love you the same way you love me..."
"What matters is here and now, and here and now, I love you."
"And I'd give up forever to touch you..."
"God must have spent a little more time on you..."
"Look at me, my depth perception must be off again..."
"Thank God I found you, I was lost without you..."
"Crazy...Crazy for loving you..."
"You're a little late...I'm already torn...torn..."
"Close your eyes, give me your hand...do you feel my heart beating? Do you feel the same, or am I only dreaming?"
"It never was, and never will be...You're not real and you can't save me."
"These wounds won't seem to heal, this pain is just too real, there's just too much that time cannot erase..."
"Am I too lost to be saved? Am I too lost?"
"If you need to crash, then crash and burn you're not alone..."
"Suddenly the world seems such a perfet place...suddenly my life doesn't seem such a waste..."
"Jelous of the one who finally found you..."
"Bumubuhos ang ulan sa iyong mga mata..."
"Let me rest in pieces, let me rest in pieces..."
"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be, and I don't wanna go home right now..."
"I would stay awake, just to hear you breathing..."
"Sa lilim ng Iyong mga pakpak..."
"Will I be denied Christ, tourniquet, my suicide?"
Pero sa aking pagdurusa, gusto ko sanang tulungan ang ibang taong nagdurusa rin...Kaya lang, naalala ko kung anong mangyayari kung masyado akong napamahal...
Hindi ko nakayanan. Gusto kong sumigaw. Sumigaw nang sobrang lakas. Gusto kong sumabog ang mga bintana at gumiba ang mga pader. Gusto kong kumulog at kumidlat, at bumuhos ang ulan. Gusto kong bumuka ang lupa at lamunin ako. Gusto kong umihip ang napakalakas na hangin. Gusto kong lumindol. Gusto kong ibuhol-buhol ang sarili ko. Gusto kong dukutin ang puso ko at durugin ito. Gusto kong patayin ang mga nagpahirap at pumatay saakin. Gusto kong ma-sense ako ng mga kaibigan ko. Gusto kong dumating si Pain at yakapin ako. Gusto kong dumating si Death, kung saan makakatulog ako sa kanyang bisig.
Angdami kong gusto.
Pero ang talagang gusto ko noong mga sandaling iyon...
Gusto ko sana, may kasama ako. Hindi niya kailangang magsalita. Basta anjan lang siya.
Yun lang po.
Pero lahat ng gusto ko...di nabibigay sakin, diba?
Laging sa iba.
Angdaya talaga, noh?
...
Uy, pero...
Tinext ako buong araw ni Ate Sop.
Nakipag-chat sa akin sina Beija at Nica.
Tinext ako ni Giselle.
Umihip ang hangin habang nagdadasal ako.
Mga maliliit na bagay...sobrang simple, diba?
Niligtas ako. Pinasaya ako.
Binuhay akong muli.
*Hindi ako susuko, Panginoon...basta't wag Mo akong bibitawan.*
Sunday, April 4
Apr. 4 Sun.
"HOY! EATHY KA LANG!" -me
This day was a load of laughs, hahaha! While chatting with Beija and Issa on YM, my keyboard suddenly malfunctioned. The backspace key wouldn't work, and everytime I hit the 'S' key, it would 'enter'/'send'. Typing without the letter S was hard enough, but typing without a backspace was...well...messy. I tried to compensate by replacing the S with 'th', to make it like I had a real lisp. I hardly found it amusing, since I sounded like some 3-year old kid! Here are some excerpts, and I warn you...try not to fall off your chairs, ayt? Hehehe.:
shallowcuts: ano ba yan, wana nagloloko keybord namin...wlang back
shallowcuts: pace
youkai_kaze: ehehe.
shallowcuts: help
youkai_kaze: help?
shallowcuts: ayaw l talagang magback
shallowcuts: pace
shallowcuts: ano ba yan!
youkai_kaze: ehehehe.
shallowcuts: i it ju
shallowcuts: t
shallowcuts: ju
shallowcuts: t
shallowcuts: tenter
shallowcuts: aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhh!!!!!
youkai_kaze: oh, easy lng!
youkai_kaze: paayos mo yung keyboard. ehe.
shallowcuts: hhe hehe...
shallowcuts: when i hit the letter between a and d ont he cey
shallowcuts: dambn
shallowcuts: nut
shallowcuts: hit
shallowcuts: walang letter
youkai_kaze: right, i get it.
youkai_kaze: no S
shallowcuts: yeah
youkai_kaze: hehehe.
shallowcuts: thi
shallowcuts: i
shallowcuts: rareally pathetic
shallowcuts: like i have a friggin li
shallowcuts: p!
youkai_kaze: hahahahaha!
youkai_kaze: ehe.. teka..i should be careful...might fall the my chair again....
shallowcuts: i can ju*t type thi* way
shallowcuts: damn! it look
shallowcuts: goofy.
youkai_kaze: hahahaha, well, its better than nothing.
shallowcuts: yeah, haha
youkai_kaze: what about this -> $
shallowcuts: hehe...i ll jutht type lik i really have a lithp
youkai_kaze: hahahahahaha, ok.
shallowcuts: hehehe..excuthe the goofineth
youkai_kaze: *rolls of floor*
youkai_kaze: hahahahahahahaha....
shallowcuts: hoy! eathy lang!
youkai_kaze: HAHAHAHHAHHAH
youkai_kaze: that just sent me lauging more...hahahahah
shallowcuts: nutth
youkai_kaze: *lauhging fit*
shallowcuts: ano ba yan! hehehee
youkai_kaze: hahahaha, its....its good thing i'm the basement....hahahaha....
shallowcuts: hahahahha! yeah, i fuiguered
shallowcuts: damn. no backthpace either
youkai_kaze: ayt lng yan.
youkai_kaze: hehehe, you'll manage.
shallowcuts: ehehehhe.,,
shallowcuts: man...i thound like a friggin toddler
youkai_kaze: hahaha, yes you do, and i'm really finding it hard not to fall off my chair....
snow_queen: what's wrong with you, cel?
shallowcuts: erk...you thee,
youkai_kaze: she can't hit the letter s, and she's got no backspace either
snow_queen: aahh...really? haha, that's really amusing
shallowcuts: you want aomo...*amusing?! here's amusing!
snow_queen: where..?
youkai_kaze: ?
shallowcuts: aky....*ahem. THE THELLTH THEATHELLTH BY THE THEATHORE!!!
snow_queen: what?!
Don't worry, I got to fix the keyboard, and it's back to normal now. But...it seemed that typing with a lisp kinda made me TALK that way too...
Beware the evil keyboards...
Icequeen out.
Quizzes, yay!
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.
Your Personality type is the only type that would
like this cool Vampire Game:
www.life-blood.vze.com
What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
*You free your mind, and you're androgyny!"
You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.
What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
brought to you by Quizilla
*Me likie!*
You are a black dragon! Master of the shadows and
nightmares. People claim you to be evil but
you're just misunderstood. You just want to be
alone.
Which Dragon resides in your soul? (cool pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
*Misuderstood? You said it!*
You are the Secretive Mermaid. Perpetual beauty
that longs for legs to walk by the side of men.
You spend your time gazing at the stars and
whispering to the moon. You have little to no
freinds that breathe. Your freinds all missing.
You are sweet as syryp and kind as cake. There
are a handful of people and mermaids like you.
Would you rate my quiz I will keep it a secret?
What kind of mermaid are you? (Gorgeous Pics)
brought to you by Quizilla
*Amy Brown Art ROCKS!!! Sweet as syrup and...kind as cake?! Hey...don't look at me like that, I'm not dessert! Get away!!!*
FROZEN QUEEN/ KING
You dont want love to come through to you. You like
it the way you are. To be unreachable, no need
to show feelings. Hiding everything inside you.
You are already used to it. You say yourself
that you dont need anyone, that you stand on
your own two feet or that you dont have time
for these things. But in reality you are scared
to get hurt. You feel save where you are: by
yourself, nobody can hurt you there. You
invent your own relationship in your dreams.
You just need to know that you COULD get a
partner.
Thats it.
PLEASE VOTE, I want to know what you think about my
quiz, I worked hard on it.You can always
message me or tell me how I can improve that
quiz. Ill sure write back.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~
brought to you by Quizilla
*This is so true. This quiz freaked me out. The accuracy...the detail... Almost like it KNOWS me. It's how its always been...The dude in my dream... Being called ICEQUEEN... Man, this is wild!*
Saturday, April 3
Apr. 3 Sat.
"Open your eyes!" -dude
I was drowsy today. Due to...reasons incomprehensible.
Saturday. Card day today. I woke up at 5:30 and got ready to go to school at 7am for the WB meeting. My dad fell asleep on the couch, watching tv.
Me: (cautiously) "Dad...dad...dad, aalis na po ako."
Dad: (wakes up) "Hah?! Ah...sige, sige...kita na lang tayo doon mamaya."
Me: (straightens up) "Opo dad."
Dad: (falls back to sleep)
Me: (walks to the front door) (stops) (runs back to the couch) (bends over and
kisses him on the cheek) "I love you, Dad."
Dad: (still sleeps soundly)
At school, I had to wait for people to show up before I crawled out of my corner. Bea H. came! Yay! We went to see Ms. M at the admin lobby to tally and distribute the copies of Plaid Ideas. When we saw the packages lined up against the wall, we froze. There were around 6 packages - each containing 400 copies of Plaid. When Ate Sop showed up, she kinda froze up too, haha.
And so it began. Ate Sop and Bea pushed the packages across the admin office to the benches outside, where we would tally them. I tried to push one, but ended up on all fours on the ground. The teachers were just watching us. I couldn't take it.
Ms M: "O, i-tulak nyo na lang yan sa labas, ok? Dun na lang tayo magta-trabaho."
Us: "Yes, miss"
Bea: (grips one package) (pushes it along the floor) "Grabe, ang hirap itulak!"
Ate Sop: "Oo nga, eh!" (takes a package and pushes it along the floor)
Ms M: "Kaya nyo yan, girls!"
Me: (catches up with Bea) "Tulungan na lang kita, mahina ako, eh." (tries to push) (fails miserably) (ends up on all fours, almost sprawled on the floor) "Aray..."
*Transfer continues*
Me: "One last." (looks at the last package) (looks at the exhausted Bea and Ate Sop) "Oh, well." (rolls up sleeve) (grabs the package and...lifts the whole thing) (pauses) "Hmm...cool." (carries it across the room)
Teachers: "Oh my..." (stares)
Sir Eric: (staring dumbly)
Ms Arcadio: (eyes widen)
Ms M: "O, nasan na yung last..." (sees me) "Oh my God, Celine!"
Bea&Ate Sop: (eyes widen) "Wow!" (laughing)
Me: (drops the package on the floor) "Wow...looks like last year's archery and yesterday's weight training paid off, hahaha!"
Ms M: "Machong-macho si Celine, ah!"
Me: (raises eyebrow) "Ekk..."
After the tallying (which was very confusing, believe me), we had to deliver them to the respective clusters. And so it went. Our Pilgrimage. It was very difficult, and waaaarrrrmmmm, but hey. BONDING TIME! Hehehe. I got to talk to Ate Sop a lot, and spending time with her made me want to keep my eyes from closing, even though I wanted so badly to sleep on the spot. So what if the school gets sued, hehe. The real eye-opener happened while we were lounging around in the yr I-1 classroom, chatting about lots of things.
Me: (trying my best not to SLEEP)
Ate Sop: "Oy, Cel, may PS ba kayo?"
Me: "Ah...PS1 lang, bakit?"
Ate Sop: "Ah...Meron ka bang CD ng Increydible-" (stops)
Me: (pauses) "in...increydible?"
Us: (laughing our heads off) (nearly falls off our chairs)
Hahaha! I know there was something about a "Wheestle", but I can't remember how it went, hehe. Funny, she probably had no idea how much that helped. On the other hand...I think she did. A lot of times, I nearly dozed off. And a few times, I hardly realized I was about to shed saltened proteins from my eyes. You know what she did? Ate Sop kept on poking me, hitting me on the arm, dragging me, and even shaking me. But I didn't mind at all...she was saving me again. Wow. But what really got to me was the hug. I didn't want to let go. I knew that my Dad had arrived, and I was in for another killing session about my grades. I just wanted to stay there. But of course, she had to go, and so did Alex and Cheska for their drawing contest thingy. (i hope they won!!!)
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT PROCEED. I MEAN IT.
And so my Dad got my grades and enrolled me, killing me all the while. As my dad lined up for the enrollment, I took a walk. I almost toured the whole campus, and my feet ached. I couldn't stop walking. It was like I was LOOKING for something...or...someone. I looked up. I saw the cross. I ran. I ran to the chapel, and wanted to collapse in front of the crucifix. I ended up with my hands pressed against the cool glass and iron bars. It was closed. When I really needed to be with someone who could fill my emptiness and overwhelm me with love...nobody was there. I walked up to the huge tree near the grotto. I sat there for the longest time. I remembered everything. So much...pain. And emptiness. All pointless. And the thought that I had hurt someone so close to me...I despaired. It felt as if I was drowned in thick dark water. God was the only one who held on to me, and I to Him. But as I drowned at that moment, it felt as if God had let go...
*Eloi, Eloi...Lama sabachtani...*
The rest of the day seemed like a daze. A trance. A shallow dream. Talking with Pia, seeing my card, riding the car, listening to my dad, eating lunch, saying goodbye to my dad, texting kuya who was at Zamboanga...blasting the speakers with hard rock music, looking for my dad's stash of cigs, staring blankly, praying, astral projecting, curling up into a ball in a corner, shedding salted proteins, whispering thanks to the people who made a difference in my life, apologizing to the atmosphere for everything I had done...and for what I was about to do...
I had hurt her, just so she could let go of me.
I had hurt her.
I hurt her.
And I hated myself once again.
All over again.
I was made to suffer -
By those who were supposed to care.
I had enough.
I hurt myself enough.
I hurt others enough...
I was...
Not gonna let it go on.
I had to do something, hehe.
I was sorry if it would hurt anyone...
Which at the moment, I highly doubted.
I meant nothing.
This is for the best...for everyone.
I was on the floor of my room again. I was staring at the cieling and the bright flourescent light. I could taste and smell the tears and residual blood caught in my throat. I could hear nothing but the faint throbbing of my heart, slowing down as I held my breath. And for once...for ONCE...I coudn't feel any pain. Just the feel of cold metal pressed against the side of my head.
I felt drowsy. Weighed down by the horrid past, cruel present, and inevitable future. I couldn't take it. I was tired. And after lying there for a long time, I fell asleep. Interesting enough, I had a dream.
me: "You..."
him: (smiles)
me: "...I...I miss you. A lot."
him: "Me too."
*silence*
me: "Don't worry...I'll be with you in a while-"
him: (stern) "What are you doing?"
me: "I-I'm going to sleep, I'm so tired...so...tired..."
him: "I know you are..." (touches the side of my face)
me: (closes eyes)
*silence*
him: "I've told you this once before...and I'm going to tell you again."
me: "Hmm...?"
him: "Open your eyes."
me: "Wha-"
him: "OPEN YOUR EYES!"
I did.
I rushed out the room and I saw that...it was a good thing I didn't sleep. If I did, if I had...I would have hurt so many people. I could have killed someone who mattered so much. I did something I thought I could never do. I was afraid I would end up causing pain. But the truth made me feel a bit more free. I still ached though. But I...I regained hope. I regained stregth. I regained...myself.
She was stunned.
Ohter: And so was I. Prove me wrong.
*They refused to let go of me.*
*And so did God. He holds my hand still.*
Friday, April 2
Apr. 2 Fri.
"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be...and I don't wanna go home right now..." -cursedchild
I couldn't sleep last night. I had a gut feeling something bad was going to happen. So at 5:30am, I gave up trying to sleep, and went online. I didn't know why I even bothered, since I knew nobody would be up and chatting at this hour.
I was wrong.
Two minutes later, Beija went online too! Hahaha, she was shocked that I was awake at that hour, since 5:30am here is around 5:30pm in the states. So we just chatted, and had loads of laughs, hahaha! Especially with the webcam! Hahaha! I got to chat with Kyra and Issa, chat and take quizzes with Anne and Steph, chat with ate Lalaine, text Ate Sop all day, and chatted with Beija later that night! Hahaha! Freaky alert again, coz I knew...I dunno how, but I just knew she was going to go online at that time. It was dawn in the states, but I had a feeling. So I asked Kyra to text me if Beija came online, and she DID! WHEEE! It was fun, really! I brushed off the bad gut feeling I had earlier.
I found myself on my bedroom floor again. I had my arms spread wide open. I remembered so many things. Such simple things... The things that felt so right.
It was so right...
The way dad and kuya would tell me to straighten my back
The way Steph would giggle
The way Myka would shout really weird things
The way Giselle's eyes would squint when she smiled
The way Nica would savor her food
The way Anne would snicker
The way Inna would tuck her hair behind her ear
The way Andy would flip her hair
The way Mikee would say "intense!"
The way Ate Lalaine would hug me so tight
The way Ate Sop would ask: "Ok ka lang? Sigurado ka?"
The way Beija would say: "Growee!"
And...
The way she would hold my hand. Hers would be so warm, it seared my frigid hand...and my frozen soul.
They were all happy today!
*Nothing bad's gonna happen, this day is too good!*
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT PROCEED. I MEAN IT.
I was...dead wrong.
I read a blog entry, and I was shocked. Felt like I was jolted with a surge of electricity. Like I was splashed on with a bucket of icewater. Like I was slapped across the face by Reality.
I stood immobilized, as Fate drifted nearer. He put his arm around me, and held me fast by his side. He twirled strands of my hair as he whispered sweet poison in my ear.
"Do you see what you are doing? What you have done? And all this time, you said you didn't want her to get hurt. But from the looks of things...she will. And it will be all...your...fault."
I fell to my knees. He was right. This is what happens when I get too close. When I love too much. At least this time, I got a warning. And at least this time...I could do something about it. I would not let history repeat itself. I will not let anyone die. Not this time.
Making deals with Fate is a nasty business. But he would give the world...just to make me suffer. And I offered him a deal he could never refuse.
"Take me, Fate. Spare them. Spare her. I'll do anything...anything to save her. Anything to let her be happy."
I spread my arms wide open.
"Im all yours. Do your worst."
Fate accepted. The condition?
I had to let her go.
...
I couldn't. I just...couldn't. Why? Funny. My life works both ways with her.
I wanted to save her. But I also wanted her to save me.
We would save each other.
She's been through so much...
And so have I.
She was saved, now. And she was much happier...
I was never meant to be saved.
The one person who understood...
Was flown away.
*You got much closer than I thought you did...*
She got close to me.
So close.
Too close.
She got burned because of me.
But she didn't mind.
She loved me.
She refused to fly away because of me.
She wanted to stay with me.
...
I couldn't bear it.
I couldn't take it.
I couldn't let her suffer because of me.
I wasn't worth it.
*I don't want you to have the wounds I have...*
I pushed myself away.
It tore a huge chunk from me,
And left an open wound.
I covered it with my hand,
And waved to her with the other.
I smiled to her,
Just to reassure her.
But...
She could see through my mask.
She could see the blood
Slowly trickling through my fingers.
She could taste the tears I fought back.
She could hear the muffled screams of my heart.
She tried to pull me up once again.
*Let me rest in pieces, let me rest in pieces...*
She was sad.
Why?
Because I was.
And my heart ached
Why?
Because she was sad.
...
I closed my eyes. I wanted to embrace her, break down, and fall asleep. I wanted to tell her. But I also wanted her to be happy. So badly. What could I do?
I straightened up. I flashed a smile. I ruffled her hair.
"Kulit mo talaga! Lumipad ka na kasi! Ok lang ako dito, huwag kang mag-alala! Sige ka, lagot ka sa angel mo! Now, go!"
Best Actress award goes to...Me.
She flew. Yehey.
I sank back and watched her fly
Into the heavens with her angel.
This is how it's supposed to be
I was never meant to be saved
I was never meant to be loved
I could do nothing but give in to Emptiness' embrace
As I ran out of tears to cry
And ran out of blood to shed.
An empty shell
Once more.
...
PS:
To Hunter: Tell her I'm sorry. So very sorry for hurting her. I never meant to hurt her. That was the last thing I wanted. Tell her to be happy. Seriously! And tell her to...take care of herself, hehe.