Sunday, October 31
Oct. 31 Sun.
"NEVER STOP BELIEVING." -the Dude
...
Kung kailan tumatahimik na itong lecheng puso ko..
Kung kailan sumusuko na nang lubusan..
Dun.
Dun sha bigla na lang lalabas..kung saan man ako tumingin..lumingon..
Ampuga, pati nga yung mga bgm sa mall at kotse eh!
Bakit ba?
Bakit kung ayoko nang umasa..
Bigla kang lilitaw na parang buhay ka pa rin?
Na tila..
Buhay kang TALAGA..?
...
Bakit pa kasi eh.
Bakit ka pa nawala?
Bakit ka pa tumalon sa lecheng bintanang yon..sira ulo ka talaga!
Gago!
Dapat kinalimutan mo na lang ako, sira! Mas masaya na nga buhay mo na wala ako eh..
Pero hindi.
Hindi mo tinantanan yung..yung napakaliit na memoryang natitira sa likod ng utak mo..memorya ng isang babaeng naging kaibigan mo..
Panaginip lang ba siya?
Matangkad siya at mahabang buhok..
Nakakatawa, pero madalas tahimik..yung tipong ala Daria Morgendorffer.
Ayaw nya sa mga lalake, pero..gusto naman nya kung kasama nya ako..
Siguro dahil pareho kaming warak ang pamilya..at palaging depressed..
Ano ba to..
San ko ba siya nakita? Nakilala?
Bakit sobrang kakaunti lang ang naaalala ko sa kanya?
Bakit..bakit pakiramdam ko..naging matalik na kaibigan ko siya?
Ay..
Hindi ko alam..
Baka naman..guni-guni ko lang siya..
Panaginip..
Oo..baka panaginip lang..
Pero..
Pero hindi!
Sino siya? Kilala ko siya!
Rargh..ano ba to..ano ba to!
Ampucha, asan siya?! Asan siya?!
...
...
Siguro ganun ang inisip mo, ano?
Bago ka nasiraan ng bait at tumalon?
Siguro nga.
Lam mo bang..
Namatay din ako nung nawala ka?
Nawalan ako ng kaibigan..
Lam mo ba kung gano kasakit nung..
Nung niyugyog ako nina Jo at Rae at pinagtawanan?
Sabi nila sira-ulo daw ako..
Panaginip ka lang daw..
Panaginip.
...
Siguro nga.
Siguro nga panaginip ka lang.
Kagagawan ng bulok na imahinasyon ko.
Siguro nga may yoying ako.
Siguro nga inimbento lang kita..
Kasi nung panahon na yon, wala akong matalik na best friend..
Tapos ngayong marami na akong berks..
Humanap ako ng paraan na mawala ka..
Inimbento ko na namatay ka..
Na nagpakamatay ka..
Haha..
Sira ulo talaga ako.
...
Pero..
Pero..bakit?
Bakit ka bumabalik sa panaginip ko?
Bakit kung talagang kailangan ko ng sasalo sakin..ikaw ang dumadating?
Kagagawan nanaman ba yon ng imahinasyon ko?
Panakip-butas ba kita?
Sana..
Sana lang..
Kung totoo ka nga..magkita na tayo, ampuga!
Yun ay kung..hindi ka pa masaya sa buhay mo.
Kasi, kung buhay ka nga at masaya na..bakit pa ko eepal sa kasiyahan mo?
Pero..kung hindi ka totoo..
Ay.
Abangan mo ako sa susunod na buhay.
Magkikita din tayo.
At sa susunod..
Wag ka na tatalon, ha?!
Batukan kita jan eh!
...
Pangalawang beses na to, ha..
Nakakadalawa ka na.
Dalawang araw, kung saan man ako lumingon, anjan ka.
Naaalala kita.
Pasadya na eh! Halata na nagpaparamdam ka.
Ilang lalakeng nakasuot ng yellow polo sa bawat paglingon ko..
Pinapatugtog yung mga lumang kanta na kinanta natin dati..
Yung gitara mo..parehong style at kulay pa!
At yung panaginip ko..
Ha.
Anong pinapatunay mo?
Pinapasabog mo yung mga malalaking nakakasilaw na sulat:
NEVER STOP BELIEVING
Sa bawat pagtulog ko..
Baket?!
Ha?
Dadating ka ba?
Kung oo..
Ampuga, DALIAN MO!
*laughs*
Dito lang ako.
...
...
WARNING. EXPLICIT CONTENT.
+So Were You+ excerpts
by: CursedChild
*Bam Bam Bam Bam!*
My heavy eyelids snapped open. For a split second, I was confused, the hazy smoke flooding the room was softly slurring any trail of coherent thought.
"Trent, I know you're in there!"
Katie. Damn. I could barely hear her above the earsplitting gothrock music pounding from my speakers. I slammed my head back down on the carpeted floor, trying to blink away the throbbing migraine forming in my head for lying on the floor with my legs propped on the bed.
"Fffuck, wouldja leave me alone!" I shouted, sucking in another tantalizing breath of the drugged cig I held between my ring-studded fingers.
*Bam Bam Bam!*
"Turn that damn music down!" she screeched, "Chris and I cant even hear ourselves talking, dammit!"
Chris. Hn. New one, eh? I closed my eyes and let the warm ivory smoke escape my dry lips. She always brought home her boytoy, since our parents were hardly ever in town..or in the country, for that matter. Besides, they wouldnt even care for anything other than themselves or their damn jobs. Where was she gonna fuck this one, now? The kitchen?
"I don't fuckin give a shit bout you or your damn flavor of the month!" I shouted, running a hand through the messy brown locks that fell into my squeezed shut eyes.
"Go to hell, bastard!" she screamed with a final pound on the mahogany door.
I snorted, pressing the drugged cig against my lips and sucking in another breath. My head buzzed slightly, and I could feel my limbs go numb. I let my eyes roll back into my head as the spicy sweet exhale seeped through my parted lips and mingle with the thick ivory fog and pounding rhythm of the music that flooded the wide expanse of my room.
...
When I opened my eyes, It was pitch dark. The only lightsource came from the glowing buttons on my megaspeaker at the other end of the room. The music had stopped, but my ears were still slightly ringing.
I lay there, on the floor, my head buzzing and my limp body aching all over. The silence was often broken by a few giggles from outside the door..obviously from my older sister, her girlfriends, and their boytoys.
I slung my left arm over my eyes and tried to get back to sleep. Maybe if I sleep some more, my brain would just stop and I'd go into a coma. Maybe then, this pathetic excuse for a family would even start to care.
As I nudged my pale moist face, I felt the rough protrusions that riddled my left forearm.
Scars..slash marks, burn marks, all mercilessly carved deep and shallow into this rotting bag of flesh. I never showed them to anyone..I always kept them hidden underneath long-sleeved signature marked clothes.
People never see beyond the flashy tags and pricy fabric.
I sighed, as the drugs, smoke, music and alcohol ebbed away, allowing the impending memories to slowly rip their way into my gut. I hated it. Desperate to escape the greedy clutches of reality, I let my hand fall onto the carpeted floor, and started to feel around for my drugged cigs and lighter. My slender fingers enclosed on something cold and round..the ashtray. I cursed as I realized that my last stick was already reduced to ashes.
Too tired to get up, I tilted my slightly pounding head to the side. My half-lidded eyes looked out through the big glass windows. The moon was out, bright and glowing like a spotlight. The stars were out too..faintly sparkling through the tufts of dark grey clouds.
Then..I saw it. I could barely make it out through the fog of smoke suspended in my room, but there it was. Orion's belt. Three stars that always stood out against the dark sky, ever since I was a kid. I tried to focus my blurry eyes on the star in the middle..my favorite one. I never knew what its name was, or why it was my favorite, but it was.
I saw the leaves of the tree rustle and bend with the frosty wind outside my window. I dont know if it was just the drugs or the alcohol in my system..but for a fraction of a second..I felt something inside me. Like in the stillness and silence of that moment, that fraction of a second stretched into an eternity, and every nerve in my body was straining to awaken..to reach out..to answer some ethereal call..
I rubbed my eyes with a sweaty palm. I suddenly became aware of the suffocating smoke that was choking me, and the fact that my mind was swimming with a hangover, and every inch of my body aching. With a Herculean effort, I propped myself up off the floor, lowered my legs off the crumpled bed, and lay sprawled on the sweat-drenched carpet. I slowly got up and staggered my way blindly across the room, and flicked on the light switch.
Suddenly blinded by the brilliance, I frantically blinked away the involuntary tears, as I shielded my eyes. I brushed away the piles of CDs and half-empty bottles of tequila on the nightside table and grabbed my crumpled black leather jacket underneath.
I slid my pale bare arms into it, and loosened the collar of my black sleeveless turtleneck top underneath. I ran a ring-studded hand through the damp brown locks that fell into my eyes, before grabbing my motorcycle keys from the edge of the table.
...
Slamming the heavy mahogany door behind me, I slumped my way down the empty carpeted corridors. Turning a sharp right past the trophy room, I chose to ignore the sudden hush of my older sister's friends and continued to walk across the entertainment room.
"Where d'you think youre goin, punk?" Katie asked above the dry clicks of the billiard balls, her voice slightly slurred with her being drunk.
"To hell," I muttered, not even bothering to glance at any one of them. I blinked away the stinging marijuana smoke that fogged the room and crept into my eyes, as I stepped down the grand staircase into the foyer.
I heard a few faint giggles and squealed comments about how damn hot I was from upstairs, before I shut the garage door behind me with a thud. Inhaling the chilly August air, I shivered slightly as a sudden draft gushed through the long rows of cars. Clutching my leather jacket tighter against my skin, I slipped my motorcycle key into the slot of a black Ducati, slung a Girbaud jeans-clad leg over the seat, and started the motor.
The deep revving sound and warmth that emanated from the lights and motor drowned out the frost creeping into my skin, and the pounding music that started to play from inside the house. She would most probably throw another party for her friends, but the thought of our mansion getting trashed or catching fire and burning to the ground didnt concern me at all.
"Im outta here." I muttered, shaking the stray strands of hair out of my eyes before slipping on the helmet. Revving up the gas, I screeched out of the garage and into the bleak, dimly-lit roads.
Out of one hellhole, and into another.
Destination: Urban Dragrace Hell.
...
...
...
End of Chapter 1.
Friday, October 29
Oct. 29 Fri.
"Its not like you to say sorry..
I was waiting on a different story
This time im mistaken..
For handing you a heart worth breakin.
...
And ive been wrong,
Ive been down,
Been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream:
ARE WE HAVIN FUN YET?!" -This Is How You Remind Me
...
To hug me when im quietly smiling is to save what's left of my twisted existence.
Thanks, te Lalaine.
You just saved a pathetic insignificant bag of rotting flesh.
...
...
Notes to self:
1. Green floral printed pants are STILL floral printed pants.
2. When you get that all too familiar feeling that Fate's about to jump out of nowhere and bite you right in the ass...pray. (coz chances are, he WILL jump out of nowhere and hit you right in the jugular. Forget about pulling on a mask, its gonna be ripped right off one way or another anyway. And escaping will only chew at your gut for the rest of the afternoon.)
3. Don't complain when pool water splatters on your legs. Around noon, you'll be begging for it.
4. When you're sitting beside angels who are singing while playing the guitar, resisting the urge to fall asleep is futile.
5. You can use your height to shield the sun's rays from frying your friend’s skin. Nevermind if your own skin gets burned to a crisp. Hey..its just your skin. Everybody else are prone to skin cancer. Not you.
6. The only thing worse than being a third whell is being a fifth wheel.
7. Salvation can come in many forms. Heatstroke and hunger, for example.
8. Never walk out on a friend. Not for anything.
9. Your barkada sticks around for a reason. And when you're about to shatter into a million pieces, you'll be thankful that they know exactly where you are, go to you, stay close by, and try to steal you away from the 'bad guy'.
10. When you see them laughing and being happy, dont butt in and spoil everything (coz you will!). Just smile, pray for them, stand on a monobloc chair, and scream your lungs out for your basketball team.
...
...
Kuya dressed me up for Les' party that night.
The theme?
Gucci Goth.
Damn.
I wanted to wear all black, but he wouldn’t hear it.
I quickly clipped on as much black and silver I could before he burst in the door. Silver cross earrings and necklace, silver rings, black racerback top, black belt with silver studs and chains..
*door slams open*
Then I saw it.
White pants. And those..those..shoes..
"Kuya..they’re pointed toe.."
"They’re called KITTEN HEELS, Celine!"
"Kitten WHATS?!"
...
"Okay, now for the make-up."�
"Kuya..i don’t have make up."
"di nga."
"Really. I don't."
"HANOOOOO?!"
How to put on make-up crashcourse is harder than learning how to balance redox reactions in chemistry. Really.
After a grueling half hour, I was smothered in pink powder, my lips and eyelids coated in thick sparkly lipgloss which smelled like candlewax, and my skin pudgy with shimmering lotion.
Kuya took pics. He even made me smile a warm smile..which took longer than expected, since he made me close my eyes and think of a happy thought before smiling.
"Ulit."
"Whaaat? Smile na yun ah!"
"There's anger in your eyes."
"Erk.."
*click*
"Ulit!"
"Ano?! Masaya na yun!"
"You had a mask on."
"Double erk.."
Yes. Gucci Goth indeed.
...
...
I was smiling as they commented on my outfit..trust kuya to make me look like a model daw, haha..
We hung out at Ate Sop's dad's office room. They were talking about something that obviously I was the only one who didn't know about, as I laughed my heart out at ate Sop's kiddie pics.
Ate Chesca burst in, dragging her guy and her guy's barkada, and we took our turns tormenting her with a certain blackmailable pic we had of her..*grin*
I could remember walking out the room with a tall glass of fruit punch in my hand, seeing the guys and gals butchering up the lechon, as a red-faced Les was screeching at them.
"WHAT IN HECK DYOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN TO THE PIIIGGG?!"
...
The bands that played were good, but when I got too tired standing up, or just too..hurt, id refill my glass of punch and retreat into the TV room and slump down on the big squashy chair. Everytime I did, Mike would join me a few minutes later, his hair in his face, grab his guitar, and we’d jam.
As in jam.
We had our own concert, haha. One guitarist, two vocalists, and several weirded out spectators.
Mike: *staggers in*
Me: *snorts* "You drunk?"
Mike: *slumps in a chair* "Hahaha..i dunno.".
Me: "Ahh, bangag tayo pareho."
Mike: "Heh. Buti ka nga eh, may transpo pauwi..me, I cant drink and drive, haha." *grabs his guitar and plays random chords*
Me: *gulps down punch* "Kaya mo Iris?"
Mike: *grins* *plays Iris*
Us: *sings the first verse*
Me: "Ayan, chorus na!"
Mike: *takes a deep breath* "And I -" *pause*
Us: *laughs our heads off*
Me: "H-hindi mo kaya yung m-mataas!" *laughs*
Mike: *laughs* "Hindi mo rin naman kaya eh!"
Us: *shouts with cracking voices* "AND I DOOOONNNTT WANT THE WOOORLD TO SEE MEEE..COZ I DOOONT THINK THAT THEY’D UNDERSTAANNNDDD..."
Me: *rolls around in the chair, using my cel as a mic*
Mike: *headbangs*
*Ate Sop, Ate Lalaine, and Beija walk in, staring*
Us: *shouts even louder, with worse voices* "When EEEEVERYTHING’S MADE TO BE BROOOKEEENNN..I JUST WAAAANT YOU TO KNOOOW WHO I AAAAMM!"
Sop: *throws a stuffed toy at us*
Lalaine: *sits beside Mike, whacks him on the head*
Beija: *stares*
Crowd outside: *claps*
Mike: "Roaaaaarrrr!!!"
Me: "WE LOVE YOU MANILA, GOODNIGHT!!!"
Us: *laughs our heads off*
Family na nga kaming lima.
...
At some point, I felt like I was walking around on tiptoe, not really hearing my own voice, giggling and chattering away like a maniac.
Right.
"Lam mo..kuya ko, may sticker na rinnagannnnyunnnperrro.."
"Cel! Your words are slurring!"
"Ah? De ah..haha..this punch..me likie.."
"Wait..how many glasses of punch did you have..?"
"Mmm? Oh, this? Er..i lost count at..ten.."
"TEN?! HOLY SHIT, CEL! TUMIGIL NA NGA AKO SA PANGALAWA EH!"
"Wh-what..? Baket..?"
"Its spiked! Lightly, yes, but still!"
"Ahahahaha..dont worry..im not yet drunk.."
Okay. I had a idea it was spiked..i mean, one gulp, and I felt my throat slightly burn. But when she said 'lightly spiked', I honestly thought it was spiked with San Mig LIGHT.
Turns out to be GIN.
...
...
I felt bad at the thought of having to leave at midnight..but then, whaddya know.
Quirk of Fate? Maybe.
Around 11:30, I heard Les' rants from the room.
"This sucks. THEY ALL SUCK!"
And then..the news. We were reported for 'disturbing the peace'.
Damn. Id give them disturbing peace.
So, the bands left, leaving us with an extremely drunk/drugged Chesca. If I wasnt tipsy with gin-spiked punch, I would have yelped in pain as she crashed beside me on the couch, and violently shove my ribs against the wooden handrest. But then..i just laughed. I think I even *almost* did something..wrong..with her..
*shakes head* *shudder*
Well, that was some night. Ah, but next time, ill make SURE ill get drunk.
Oh and..next week na lang yung Poweraid, Les! Belated happy birthday!
...
...
I slumped against the cold metal side of the car, listening to them play.
The lyrics were killers..but I was drunk.
So I just stared, smiled, and laughed.
It didnt hurt at all.
I found myself staring at the dark sky, pointing my half-empty glass to my favorite star.
"Right there..in the middle of Orion's Belt..hmm.."
I felt myself smiling broadly..softly giggling like a little girl.
But as I stared at the moon..as it shone brightly against the darkness..I heard myself murmuring.
"Jump..jump..jump, dammit.."
He was up there. I knew it. If he was alive, he’d be with me right now..right beside me, holding me steady as I swayed slightly in the cold. But since he wasnt..
He had to be up there. Watching me. He is The Watcher, right? Gave up his mortal life to be The Watcher..
He'd be standing on the moon..
"Jump..jump..jump down and take me away.."
...
Nothing.
I guess he didnt exist..at all..
...
The punch ran out, and the alcohol was ebbing away.
The night blurred itself away.
I found myself slapping them on the sholder. Mild slaps..weak and frail..like a child who was too hurt and exhausted to make her pathetic blows hurt.
"Ang daya nyo..ang daya..daya nyo..talaga.."
Thinking I was just drunk, she hugged me.
"I’ll see you around Cel.."
*No you wont, ate Sop..*
...
...
I wish I was you.
But I never make that wish.
Never.
Why?
Coz even if I DO become you..
Who would YOU be?
Me?
Oh no..id never let that happen.
Id never let you suffer even an ounce of what I went through.
And this is how I love.
...
Thursday, October 28
Oct 28 Thurs.
"I couldn’t tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldnt help her,
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again.
Whats wrong, whats wrong now?
Too many, too many problems..
Don't know where she belongs,
Where she belongs.
She wants to go home,
But nobody's home
Its where she lies,
Broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go..
Dry her eyes,
Broken inside.
Open your eyes and look outside,
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected,
And now you cant find
What you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now,
Too many, too many problems.
Dont know where she belongs,
Where she belongs.
She wants to go home,
But nobody's home.
Its where she lies,
Broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go..
To dry her eyes,
Broken inside.
Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she cant find.
She's losing he mind.
She's fallen behind.
She cant find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place..
Yeah, oh
She wants to go home,
But nobody's home.
Its where she lies,
Broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go..
To dry her eyes,
Broken inside..
She's lost inside, lost inside..
She's lost inside, lost inside.." –Nobody's Home
...
A little girl walked up to me and showed me her hand.
"Ate..help..its bleeding.."
I didnt know what to do. I turned around at the teacher, and told the girl:
"Pakita mo kay miss.."
She was a grownup. She should know what to do.
...
But the teacher told her to go to the clinic. What the heck?!
I turned to the girl, as she pushed the caf door open. She seemed lost..almost going to cry..
I got up, grit my teeth at the searing pain of the fresh wound on my foot, shoved my way past the teacher, and went after the little girl.
Sure, she was a tiny grade 2 student, and I was a towering 3rd year high school teen..
But we were both lost and wounded children, nonetheless.
...
I felt my motherly instincts bubbling to the surface.
"O, dont cry..halika, samahan kita sa clinic, okay?" I asked, stooping down and patting her head.
She looked up at me with glossy eyes, nodded and said:
"Owkay.."
I gently took her by the hand, and led her through the empty corridors to the clinic. Talking with her took my mind off the pain in my heel.
"Masakit ba?"
She nodded her head, sniffling.
"Ah, okay lang yan..kayang kaya mo yan, you're strong naman eh! Haha..whats yor name?"
She looked up at me and smiled.
"Rheezan.."
I smiled back. "Hi Rheezan, Im ate Celine.."
"Hi.."
"Lam mo Rheezan..dati, may sugat ako sa face ko..dito o.." I pointed at my left cheekbone. I saw her eyes widen as I showed her how big my wound used to be.
"P-pano mo nakuha yun?"
"Haha..bike accident. Kaya ingat ka pag nag-bike ka, ha?"
"Yeth!" she giggled.
...
Inside the clinic, the nurse cleaned her wound and put a ban--aid on it.
"Kapatid mo ba sha?"
"Ah..hindi po.."
The nurse gave me a puzzled look.
I blinked..as I realized how unusual it must have been for a high school student accompany a 2nd grader who was a complete stranger all the way to the clinic. But I shrugged it off as we thanked the nurse and went out the door.
We took the shortcut through the field to go back to the multi. She was telling me something about her mom, when I saw her shake her wounded hand and prod at the band-aid.
"Oy, dont touch it.."
"But it stings.."
"I know..but it wont heal if you open the wound again.."
"T-talaga..?"
"Uh-huh..gagaling din yan, you'll see..kagaya nitong sugat ko sa paa.."
...
When we got back to the caf, the green pep squad was gone.
"Ate, they left us.."
"Dont worry, di kita iiwan..hanapin natin sila, okay?"
We went up the multi, and found them assembled for the start of the intrams. I asked her where her friends are, but she pointed out that to join them, she would have to go through a crowd of people and squeeze herself in the line.
"Then go..sige na, join your friends.."
"But..but.."
"Bakit..?"
"Baka isipin nila na feeling ako..cutting in line.."
I looked at her fellow grade 2 classmates. And if I was her, from the way they were staring at me, I would also be terrified of even going near them.
But I knelt down, and held her shoulders.
"Wag kang matakot! Mabait ka naman eh! You can do it!"
She looked at me, inhaled deeply, nodded, whipped out her green and white streamer, and made her way through the crowd.
By some chance..the crowd got up and reassembled..giving her a chance to find her place.
I smiled as I watched her laugh with her friends.
...
Maybe someday..she'd remember this moment..
Coz I'll never forget it.
Wednesday, October 27
Oct. 27 Wed.
"Which of the bold face lies will we use?
I hope that youre happy..
You really deserve it..
This will be best for us both in the end.
...
But your taste still lingers on my lips
Like I just placed them upon yours..
And I starve..
I starve for you.
But ths new diet's liquid
And dulling to the senses
And its crude..
But it will have to do." –Hope You're Happy
...
And I can sit forever..
Outside your door..
Just waiting..
Waiting for you.
Talk all you want,
Laugh and giggle as you please..
Im all too happy to shut my mouth..
Gently close my eyes..
And just listen to your voice.
Coz somehow..
It was the only thing that kept me alive.
...
Maybe in the next life, I'd have better luck.
Maybe in the next life..
I'd get to take a dive with you.
But right now..
I can only watch from afar, smiling with joy for you..
wishing I was so much more..
Wishing I was anybody else but who I am.
...
...
You have no idea how much I wanted to plunge into that ocean of cerulean shards with you and laugh this wasted life away as the sun gently smiled upon our healing broken wings.
Friday, October 15
Oct. 15 Fri.
"Falling in love is like falling off a cliff..
And discovering you can fly." – *blink* my friend..Cedric
...
I walked through the corridors and covered paths, watching her. She was skipping about and running her fingers along the iron railings and bushes..
But she would wince slightly, gripping a bandage on her side. I knew that last week's ordeal made a mark, and she did her best to keep her father, brother, and friends from poking her wound. I was proud of her..for enduring such a thing so bravely..
A pang of guilt swept through me. I should have protected her..i had the power to lessen the pain..to keep her from getting hurt in the first place..
But I didnt.
I let her get hurt. Sick bastard that I am.
But she was getting better now..and I was learning how to protect her more. It was Friday morning, and the warm rays of the sun glimmered through her tarnished hands and hair. She was happy. So was I.
...
...
"Ano kamo?"
"You heard me."
"S-sino..?"
"Sino pa ba? Duh."
I gulped.
I was so not ready for that.
I shifted my wide, unseeing eyes to the open space beyond the 4th floor railing.
*No..ang aga aga pa..*
I slowly closed my eyes as I sank.
*Bakit..ba..ganto..?*
...
...
I stepped down the concrete stairs with a blank mind and numb heart. But three steps to the ground floor, I felt a surge of panic overwhelm me.
I winced slightly, as she suddenly flung her arms around my waist and held on oh so tight for dear life. I looked down at her wide eyes looking up at me, desperate and confused.
"Am I gonna die?" she asked.
I pursed my lips and locked my jaw. I had to protect her. I had to.
"No." I answered firmly, holding the back of her head. "Im not gonna let you get hurt again." I gently pulled on her mask. "It wont hurt if you wear this."
She tilted her head. I could hear her voice slightly muffled behind the china face.
"But..they wont be able to see me.."
My heart was crunching in my throat. But I didnt have the heart to tell her the whole truth.
"Its for the best, dear.." I whispered, patting her head. "Its for the best."
...
"Pssst!"
I squeezed her hand.
We both turned to our deaths.
Three minutes in, and already Fate's hands were creeping down my neck, and Pain's blazing fingertips were tracing their way along her mask.
*Hold..hold..kaya ko to..Kaya natin to..*
I glanced to my side for a fraction of a second.
She cowered in Pain's grasp..and turned to me, desperate and terrified.
"I wont let him hurt you.." I seethed through gritted teeth, as I forced every ounce of my willpower to overcome the surge of memories and despair that came from Fate's gentle caresses.
I fought with all my mind..
But not with all my heart.
I lost.
...
With a sickening shatter, our masks broke and crumbled on the floor.
"GAGO KA TALAGA, FATE! YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!" I screamed in my head, as he pulled me to him, throwing his head back in manic laughter.
With a shriek, she painfully wrenched herself free of Pain’s burning clutches, and rushed forward to her saviors.
In a flash, I grabbed her and pulled her back..
"If they see you, you'll get hurt!" I thundered.
She slapped my hand away, and looked at me, her blazing eyes burning into my own.
"NO!" she shrieked, her voice breaking with sobs. "its YOU who is hurting me! Its YOU! You're a coward! A coward.." her words trailed off as she gave in to her tears and fresh wounds..as she gave in to Pain's embrace..
...
"Aha..it looks like YOU are the sadistic bastard, Celine..not me.."
His soft words seeped into my mind and heart like silken poison.
I could only close my eyes.
*no choice..no choice..*
I broke into a million pieces that day..that afternoon..that night..
And nobody saw.
...
...
*But It Wasn't*
by: Cursed Child
It was magic.
It was ALL magic.
It had to be.
The paint wasnt chipping away and falling to the floor as ash-colored crumbs..
No.
It was an angel passing by our house..
Shaking the snow from his wings.
It wasnt bakingly warm and stifling within the thin creaking walls..
No.
It was a dragon gently breathing on our house..
Thinking it was one of its eggs.
The rainwater didnt drip down from the ceiling and make puddles on the floor..
No.
It was a princess locked up in our roof, peeking through the holes of our ceiling..
Her diamond tears falling through the cracks.
The fruits on our counter didnt fling across the room and splatter against the walls..
No.
It was a majestic Chinese celebration..
Where the rockets propelled to the air, and exploded in a thousand gorgeous colors.
The pitchers and vases didnt spray the air with water before crashing on the floor..
No.
It was a mermaid flipping her long wet tresses..
Spraying us with drops of water from the Caspian sea.
They werent shouting their heads off and screeching insults at each other..
No.
They were a pair of thundergods hurling bolts of lightning..
Competing to see who could make the earth shake, and the mortals tremble.
I didnt rush out of the house holding my tear-stained face, with the door slamming behind me..
No.
I had spread my wings and flew over forests, mountains, and oceans..
My feathers sparkling with water as they lightly grazed the ocean’s surface.
I didnt clamber up the vine-covered column in a desperate attempt to escape the horrid shouts and crashing glass..
No.
It was the west wind Zephyr, carrying me up a grassy hillside..
His gentle murmurs drowning out all other sounds.
I didnt shiver in the cold night air, as I held on to myself, sitting on top of the concrete wall..
No.
I was a leaf that trembled in the breeze..
Gently breaking away from the tree and drowning in the Night's warm embrace.
It was magic.
It was ALL magic.
It had to be.
But it wasnt.
...
Saturday, October 9
Oct. 9 Sat.
"Everytime I fall down..
All alone..
I fall to pieces.." -Fall to Pieces
...
A few words..a few suppressed winces..
"Bakit ka naapektohan sa sinabi ng girl sa play?"
"Eh kasi..parang sinabi ko na yun dati..actually, sinigaw..iniyak..haha.."
...
"Kailan? Saan?"
"Hm..dati pa. Sa Bohol Mansions pa sha nakatira..yun."
...
I continued talking. No reaction. He was just staring into space, trying to chew his food.
I playfully prodded him on the arm.
"Okay ka lang..?"
Then I saw it.
...
"Hindi.."
My eyes widened. His voice was cracking. Tears were welling up in his eyes. He fought hard to stop himself from breaking down..
"B-bakit..?"
"N-nalulungkot..a-ako.."
He lost.
...
A strange and powerful sensation swept through me..overwhelmed me completely. It was numb..and felt like every ounce of my body was frying, boiling in hot oil. Suddenly, I was tired. More tired than I had ever felt before. My body felt like lead, and my eyelids were too heavy for me to keep open. Even my vision was softly blurring at the edges, my hearing starting to dwindle.
It was as if..i was drifting off to a dream..
But then..
Rage.
Rage and hatred overwhelmed me.
I locked my jaw.
"Sino..sino ang nagpalungkot sayo?" I asked, my voice a soft growl.
He covered his eyes, and poked at the slice of fish on his plate.
"Hindi..nalulungkot ako..para..para sayo.."
My eyes widened. Another shockwave of numbness swept over me.
I got up and wrapped my frail arms around him. I felt him shudder at my touch, sobbing in my embrace.
"H-hindi dapat..nangyari to..sa yo..hindi d-dapat.."
...
All these years, he tried to stay strong..for me..for us..
But he was just human.
I wanted to cry too..i agreed..this shouldnt have happened to me..
But this shouldnt have happened to HIM either.
I steadied my wavering soul. I had to stay strong. This time..I had to be the strong one.
"Wag ka nang maawa sakin." I muttered, my voice empty and hollow, piercing the morning air.
...
For an eternity, we stayed that way.
I wanted to embrace him for all I was worth..tight enough that I could absorb even just a fraction of the pain he was enduring..
Even if that fraction would kill me.
I wanted to butcher the world.
No. Just two people..
Lock and load a magnum and blow the heads off of that bitch and that rich old bastard like raspberry jam.
I would set their cadavers ablaze with my lighter, and kick the ashes down a canal together with their dollar bills, gold bangles, diamond rings, pearl necklaces, and Louis Vuitton Bags.
God wouldnt hold it against me.
In fact..He would most probably be at my side, His hand on my shoulder, as we watch their souls eternally writhe in pain and burn in the lowest circle of hell.
...
But then..
As he wiped his tears away and got up..
Washed his hands and told me to finish my breakfast..
Pulled on his ingenious mask and went upstairs..
Like nothing happened..
I realized..
He was sad..
Because of ME.
Because of what happened to ME.
Me.
I sat there, staring blindly ahead, still in shock, my hands itching to grab a gun and blow my own head off.
...
...
I slumped against the concrete slope, resting my aching legs. The warmth of the sun-baked stone soothed my writhing soul..
The lyrics and melodies of the dangerous almost sadistic songs played earlier were still rampaging around in my head..threatening to dig up old wounds..open old scars..
Hn.
I folded my arms across my red halter-clad chest, closed my eyes, and head banged to the beat of the song playing in the Multi Purpose building, muttering the lyrics under my breath.
"O..Diyos ko..
Ano ba naman ito?"
I was cursing the heavens. Ha. Same words that my soul screamed..
"Di ba?
TANG INA!
Nagmukha akong tanga.."
I let the memories slice through my soul..the child..like rusty jagged saws.
"Pina-asa mo pa ako!
LECHENG PAG-IBIG TO-O-OOO!
DYOS KO-O!
HANO BA NAMAAAANNN..
ITO-O-OOO!!!"
I let my own words sink into my being..slowly..excruciatingly.. surely.
Yes. The truth does hurt.
...
I could hear their voices drifting through my mind like gentle fingers caressing my fragile heart.
"Wait..diba..diba sha yung girl kanina..yung mukhang model?"
I felt my smile soften.
"Ang saya saya nya kanina..pero bakit ngayon, mag-isa lang sha..?
At mukhang binagsakan ng langit?"
...
If my feet werent practically pounding with pain from wearing two-inch high boots all day, I would have ran down the asphalt road as fast as I could towards God knows where..anywhere..anywhere but here..
But I didnt.
I stayed there..using every ounce of my willpower and sanity to fight back the tears..
And just stared at the sun, as it died over the horizon.
...
...
I sat silently in a corner, slumped on the couch, just looking at them. I smiled. They were happy..
But I saw her.
She crept out of my limp arms, dragging the heavy iron links that weighed down her frail wrists.
I watched as she hobbled ever so slightly towards them..reached out with her tarnished hands and fingers..waved them before their eyes..
"Atashi mite..atashi..mite.." she whispered, trying so hard to catch their eyes..
But they took no notice.
She fell on her knees. Tired. She was too tired to even stand..to even breathe properly..keep her head up..keep her eyes open..but still she tried.
She pulled her mask off, and set it on the floor with a clatter. It broke my heart to see her..as she gently tugged at their hair..pulled their shirts..place her hands on their cheeks..begging them..begging..
"Atashi mite..mite..atashi..mite.."
...
but to no avail.
They had gently closed their eyes..
As they got lost in their own heavens.
There was..
Nothing.
Nothing I could do.
No point, really.
...
Before the bitter winds snatched the singed and tattered pieces of her body, I wrenched myself from the couch, picked her up in my arms, and opened the deadbolts on the front door.
"Bye..ingat kayo.."
They left.
I watched them drive away.
The child was screaming to tell them everything..
But I stopped her.
I held on to her chains as we both watched them drive off into the starless night.
...
"Wh-why..?" she asked me..her soft broken voice echoing in the stillness of the night.
I didnt have the heart to tell her. Never did. Never will.
I kept my mouth shut as the sky began to silently weep for her.
I took her by the hand, and led her inside. The dry clicks of the locks were like gunshots to my ears.
I leaned against the wooden door..sank to the cold concrete floor..
Curled up..and cried.
...
Friday, October 8
Oct. 8 Fri.
"There’s a pain in her heart,
She’s trying so hard to unwind..
Makes her cry in the night,
When visions so real make her blind..
Wants to break through the fear..
Erasing the scars from within..
Start a new kind of being –
She’s down
And she’s praying again." –Hurt Before
...
This day ripped through my soul like a rusty chainsaw.
But it started out sweet..
Ate Maecy, Mars, and Joanne cornered me in the HS caf during house meetings, and got fascinated with my hair..
They combed it and braided away..making me look like some African princess.. Which proved interesting – especially when they wrapped a braid around the top of my head in some sort of a crown..
Thats coz I DREAMT of it before..but it wasnt me with braids..it was ate Sop, haha. *grin* (hoy, ang ganda kaya nya! Anak ng Datu!)
I wore the braids for the rest of the day..
But the rest of the day..
...
We watched this play in the afternoon..some play about the old heroes meets the modern heroes thing. It was fun, really. I mean..if you see a guy running around divisoria with a red hanky on his neck, white polo, salakot on his head, waving around a balisong, shouting “Ipaglalaban ko ang kalayaan!� ..well, youd be laughing too.
And there was this gay guy who was..was..
Ay. Tagalog na nga lang!
Langya..seksi, pare! Benta kaya sakin yung pag-arte nya! Ahahahha! Bigay na bigay! Asus, iba na itech! 2-inch heels, boob tube, miniskirt, at ponytail ba naman! Haha..sa huli, naka-pink na gown pa! Aba..pwede!
...
Ehehehe..
Well..
That was the fun part.
There was this portion, though..
Where this prostitute was told to go to Japan to find a better job..a job with more money..but there was a catch.
She had to leave her daughter behind.
Fate..was on a torture spree.
The shouts of her daughter rang in my ears and opened old wounds with avengeance..ripping at my soul like merciless lashes..
"What is it gonna be? DOLLARS OR YOUR DAUGHTER?"
'Mama..wag kang umalis..gagawin kong lahat..magnanakaw, papatay, lahat! Basta..wag mo akong iiwan!"
"Hindi mo naman ako mahal, diba? DIBA?! KAYA KA UMALIS! PINANDIDIRIAN MO AKO! HADLANG LANG AKO SA PERA MO!"
...
I couldnt take it. I wrenched myself from my seat and retreated into the farthest end of the bathroom stall.
Fuck it.
Fuck it all.
Dammit, if they wanted to kill me..they could at least do it right.
Not like this.
Not like this.
Anything but this.
I could only squeeze my eyes shut and hold back the aching tears, as I forced my mind to scream out a prayer..to drown out all other sounds..
to drown out the cries of the child who was curled up beside me, pounding the cold tile walls with her small blood-stained fist.
...
Footsteps.
I wiped my tears away and turned to the child.
"Hush." I said, my voice low and demanding.
She shook her head slowly, and pursed her trembling lips.
I gripped her shoulders and looked into her pinkish eyes.
"You MUST." I insisted. My voice softening into a slight whimper. "You must.."
She nodded slowly. I gently pulled on her mask.
"Good girl.." I smiled, pulling on my own.
...
I breathed deeply, and held her hand as we walked back into the cruel world.
...
Thursday, October 7
Oct. 7 Thurs.
"Tanong ko lang sa langit..
Kung bakit pumangit..
Ang dating masaya,
Ngayo’y panay problemang bumabalot sa buto..
Bakit ganito?" –Masaya
...
The chattering crowd grew louder, threatening to engulf me in an ocean of incoherent sounds.
I tore my staring eyes from the pale cream ceiling, and turned to my side. The cold concrete floor bit at every inch of my skin.
To scream,
To stand,
To talk,
To implode,
To lash out..
Would be futile.
They wouldnt see me at all.
...
I was tired. But I was still made to live..
I closed my eyes. Gave up.
"I dont belong here.." I whispered, a multitude of emotions melted down into the simplest confession.
"I just..dont.." I murmured, as I curled up into a ball of nothingness.
...
Monday, October 4
Oct. 4 Mon.
"To the only person who showed me that a text message COULD be personal.." –Gsel
...
I slowly opened my eyes to the cool 2am air.
I patted my head, torso and legs..
Touched my face and hair..
Pinched my skin..
Ouch.
I was..
Still alive.
Alive.
I could not explain the feeling.
...
The day was soft and mildly sweet..
Texts whispering “happy birthdays� from the ones I loved most..
16.
I was 16.
I smiled at the thought.
...
Beija came to school early (which is a big deal, haha!) just to give me her gift..which turned out to be a pair of "purplish" *cough* PINK! *cough* shades. I couldnt help but laugh all morning assembly long.
My other classmates and friends gave me letters and gifts and hugs and kisses. Which..were very heartwarming on my part. Very. They had no idea..
That I wasnt actually expecting to wake up at all that morning.
That I thought id never get to see them again..never get to hear their voices and see their faces..feel their hugs..
But I was thankful that I did.
Very.
...
It was giselles birthday too, haha..she was younger than me for a couple of hours. And her bag of gifts were threatening to tip her over. I smiled..as I gazed upon her gift for me.
A letter.
I remembered I texted her early in the morning that day..a feeble attempt on giving a part of my heart in text.
"For holding my hand when I was sad..
For giving me a smile when I really needed it..
For sitting in my desk every morning of our grade six lives, waiting for me..
Im very thankful you were born sixteen years today.
Happy sweet sixteen, Giselle."
I smiled at the scribble on her letter:
"for the only person who showed me that a text message COULD be personal.."
But the first line made me pause.
I hardly thought I was an angel.
...
Lunchtime, a pleasant surprise greeted giselle..head on.
Her mom and older sister ate Cheska came up to her classroom and gave her a cake.
Not just a cake.
An extremely LARGE cake. As in.
The base layer was around 1foot in diameter and five inches thick. The second layer was slightly smaller, but had the same thickness. And there were little pucca heads around the cake, and a huge pucca head on the top. Boy, did Giselle love pucca..haha..and boy..did her family love her.
Hn. If Giselle ever thinks that she isnt special..im gonna give her a right good smack. *grin*
...
since we already had our fill of sweets and cake, we had to go around to share it..which proved very tiring, mind you. But it was fun.
I also had a pleasant surprise..from my classmates, hehe. After coming from the kitchen in THE, I was raising my eyebrow at the peculiar actions of my friends and classmates..it was as if..they were distracting me..
But I shrugged it off as I entered the classroom, clutching my apron and unfinished peanut brittle. Just then..
"SURPRISE!"
My eyes widened with shock.
"MALIGAYANG BATI..MALIGAYANG BATI! MALIGAAAAYAAAANG BATIIII!"
I caught a brief glimpse of the blackboard with the colorful words "Happy birthday Celine, we love you!" right before they pushed me onto a chair in front of the room. Then they gave me sixteen gifts..
I was so..
I dont know..touched.
Bianca gave me a bottle of her favorite cologne..
"Thats like..SO mabango, I promise!"
Camilla gave me a stressball..
"Ah, alam kong kailangan mo to!"
The others gave me chocolates and sweets..
"Yan, para tumaba ka!"
Some gave me letters..
"Mamaya mo na lang basahin.."
Popsy gave me a dreamcatcher..
"O yan..para may gud dreams ka.."
Kriska gave me an..ehe..assymetrical black top with ‘hot stuff!’ written across it..
"To our future supermodel!"
My berks gave me a black razorback top..
"Yan..pareho kayo ni Giselle!"
Nica gave me a box full of kikay stuff..
"Yan..para magpaka-babae ka!"
And..nica also gave me a card..a card containing signs and dedications from the guys I was partnered with during the soirees..
"O yan cel..kitam? Dami mong boylets!"
Ha. That one was amazing. Out of love..
...
I got to go home that day with a bag full of letters and gifts..
And a sweet smile playing on my lips.
Yes..you could die anytime..
It takes courage to live.
But..
*smiles*
It helps to know that there are people who love you.
...
Saturday, October 2
Oct. 2 Sat.
"O, bawal ang diet ngayon!" –my berks
Today my berks and I had a party..for Giselle and my birthday on Monday.
We went to Shangri-la for the movie, and Megamall for the food.
Oh the food..
Saisaki buffet.
Pare. Iba na.
Ibang klase kung saisaki buffet!
We ditched our diets (and manners) out the window and just wolfed down on plate after plate of jap food..
Heck, I even joined the rest as they scouted for ahem. Good-looking jap and Korean guys in the resto..
I choked at their picks.
Andy: "Ayun o..yung may glasses sa likod ni Celine..ang gwapo kaya nya.." *giggles*
Me: *turns around* *looks at two jap guys with glasses* "Okay..which one? Yung naka-itim na maputi..?"
Andy: *vigorously shakes head* "Hinde..yung isa..yung naka-maroon.."
Me: *looks again* *sees the maroon-clad jap guy* "Whaaat?!" *looks from the fair black-clad jap guy, then to the maroon-clad jap guy* "Are you..sure?!"
Andy: "Oo! Ano ka ba..ang cute kaya nya!"
Me: "YAN? YAN?! CUTE?! OH GOD..SAVE ME.." *laughs my head off*
Steph: *shakes heads* "Si Celine talaga, o..di marunong tumingin ng lalake.." *laughs*
Me: *points chopsticks at them* "Excuse me! I go for personality, not looks. Bonus na lang ang yaman at kagwapuhan." *flips hair*
Anne: *whistles* "ASUS! SI CELINE O! Sabagay..tipo mo nga pala ang mga babae, hahaha!" *manic laughter*
Them: "Aba, malakas si Celine sa girls! Sandamukal na bebot at concubine ata ito, ahahha!" *rofl*
Me: *whacks them* "Ay basta sakin..pag mabait at sincere..ay. Siya na ang pinaka gwapong nilalang sa balat ng lupa. Or..pinakamaganda.." *stifles laughter*
Them: *raises eyebrow* "Cel..umiiral nanaman ang pagka-androgynous mo..hoy, hindi bagay yan..naka-pink spag straps ka pa naman.."
Me: *wince, twitch twitch*
Gsel: "Ay cel..dont worry..pagmasdan mo na lang ang cute na guy sa likod mo." *pats my shoulder*
That was the last straw. *grin*
Me: *shifts to guy mode* "Ay mga pare. MAS GWAPO PA KO SA KOREANONG YAN!" *angas smirk* *laughs*
Totoo naman eh!
...
Well, after we had our fill of dinner, pics, and laughs, we walked back to shangri la and watched resident evil 2..
Haha, it was hilarious the way my berks would literally twitch and jump at every suprising scene..
There was some point where I turned to nica, and she already had her face hid behind her hands..
"Ano ba yan, wala pa nga yung scary part eh!"
"Ehhh..para ready na!"
...
...
With the countless walkes to and from megamall and Shangri-la, I held giselle's hand in mine.
Memories threatened to drown me.
But I smiled gently into the fading night and drizzling rain..
*To live is to cherish.*
...