Sunday, May 30
May 30 Sun.
"Mabait ka nga kasi, eh." -Beija
Pentecost Sunday.
We attended mass today, and something the priest said struck me. He said that all of us have healing powers...just at different degrees. I grinned at the memory.
Back in gradeschool, I was the 'mother'. People came to me when they were hurt in any way - physically, emotionally, spiritually - you name it. Nobody could explain exactly why they always felt better after they held my hand, or hugged me, or have me massage them or touch their wounds. They felt lighter, happier, and the pain seemed to lessen.
I couldn't explain it either. But of course, being the analytical person that I was, I tried. Well, I came up with the conclusion that their pains seemed to transfer to me. *Hmm...which would explain why I always felt dizzy afterwards.* I could heal people. Through physical contact. The moment I realized it, I was a little stunned. Heck, even my dad believed. He told me it wasn't such a good 'gift' for a girl my age.
...
Ah, but I used it anyway.
My friend gets a splitting migraine, I trace my fingertips on her temples for 3 minutes, and the pain disappears.
My friend attends a school mass with a fever, feels faint and dizzy, I hold her hand for a couple of minutes, and she gets better. Gets freaked out at what I just did, too.
My friend was ditched by her 'best friends' and badmouths her behind her back, I ask her to hug me, I hold her close for 5 minutes, she pulls away - dazed - saying she feels so much better for some reason.
I trace my finger along the arm of my seatmate, I sense 'something', I tell her that she's happy, but has just one tiny very irritating problem. She gapes at me and asks how the hell did I know that.
I sit laughing with my friends at the cafeteria table, my side explodes with pain, I turn to my left and see my friend staring straight at me. I shout "I feel you!", she gapes slightly, and I learn later that she just had a fight with some of her friends.
My friend is laughing her head off - as usual. As a joke, I ask her to hold my hand, I sense 'something', I tell her: "You have a lot...of problems...you've kept for so long... It's building up inside, and you hide them, because you think nobody cares... I care, tell me." She denies. I press on, never letting go of her hand. Her laughs break down, she looks away, I pull her into a hug, and she cries into my blouse, saying after so many years, I was the only one who ever noticed she was hurting.
...
And even if I felt real weak, dizzy, and faint afterwards, I didn't care. I always wanted to help people. Yeah, I know, I know. The eternal Icequeen, the great Marquise de Sadde wants to help others...what is the world coming to? Well, I did. And I was happy to help. I felt like I was contrubuting to the well-being of God's creation. My codename:
Elixir.
...
But recently... I can't find myself to 'heal' people anymore. That's because I think that I'm a bad person. That I do nothing but hurt people, and cause them pain, trouble, misery, and depression. Heck, I AM all those things.
Even Kaiser hates me. *sob*
I've become a demon.
...
After mass, we went to my lola's house (we do every Sunday). We learned that my aunt was going to be either a legal mother or guardian of a 4-month old baby girl. Kuya went straight to the baby, and played with her. How? By his usual Kuya Anton manner: Scrunching up his face and sticking out his tongue. The baby enjoyed it.
When kuya left and slumped on the couch to watch TV, I reluctantly inched closer to the tiny...creature. I stood over her crib and just looked at her - as she wriggled, slightly flailing around her small arms. When her gaze fell on me, I took a step back.
I didn't want such an innocent thing to behold such a ghastly sight as me. She was pure good...and I was evil.
She reached out to me with both arms. The maid who was taking care of her said she liked me. I blinked. *No way.* But I inched closer. I reached into the crib, and she clutched my hand with hers. I sat beside her. She merely looked intently at me, never letting go. Her tiny hands were clutched tightly around my fingers. I opened my mouth and said the first thing that came into my mind:
"Hey there, beautiful."
She smiled. I just blinked. I really don't know why I was so stunned... It's really no big deal to hold a baby. But for me, it is. And the fact that it wasn't afraid of me...it was a VERY big deal.
...
Kuya and I stayed at an internet cafe for an hour or so. When we came back, the baby was asleep. Why? Because she wouldn't stop crying after we left. Woah. When my cousins came over, they were very suprised to hear the news, and had a look-see. Tita Gigi(Regine's mom) in particular, had a very funny reaction to the news.
Chris: "Mommy, may baby dun sa isang kwarto."
Tita Gigi: "Ano?"
Me: "Yes, tita, mag-aadopt ata si tita Susan ng baby." (to Regine) "Diba, Reg?"
Regine: "Uh-huh. I saw her na, she...kinda looks like tita Susan!"
Regine & Me: *laughs*
Tita Gigi: *stares at me, then at Regine*
(awkward silence)
Me: "It's true, tita!"
Tita Gigi: *eyes widen* "HANO? BABY? TAO?!"
(pause)
Regine & Me: *rolls on floor laughing our heads off*
All the attention didn't really do the baby any good. The loud voices of my younger cousins made her cry, and she wouldn't stop. After everybody cleared the room, I went inside. I inched closer like before. I sat beside her and waited for her eyes to open amidst the tears, and look at me. When she did, I couldn't say anything. I just smiled. She stopped crying. I let her hold my hands as before. After a long moment of silence, I beamed and finally found the words to say to her.
"Hey, tahan na...okay, I'll tell you a story. Alam mo ba, kami ng friends ko, pumunta kami ng Enchanted Kingdom kahapon! Sumakay kami ng van! Andun si Ate Lalaine, Ate Sop, Beija, Alex, friend ni Alex, Marga, Les, at Angela! Grabe, ang saya saya namin! Kaya lang, hindi kami nakapasok sa E.K. dahil dun sa SMART exclusive entry thingie... Uy, pero dumeretso nalang kami sa bahay ng friend ko..."
She was just staring at me, giggling and laughing. I blinked. I whispered to her:
"Aren't you afraid of me? I'm a bad person, and you're such an innocent creature of God..."
She smiled, and clutched my hand close to her mouth.
...
I texted Beija about it.
Beija: "Hey, sis...musta na?"
Me: "I'm holding an tiny angel in my arms, and...she's got a good grip of my finger too..."
Beija: *smiles* "Baby?"
Me: "Yeah...but...why isn't she afraid of me...? Aren't babies supposed to sense the evil in others? She's just smiling and giggling... Fear me!"
Beija: "Well...I'm not surprised."
Me: "Baket?"
Beija: "Coz you're a good person, Cel."
Me: "No I'm not! Erk...dyou know she cried when we left? And now I'm telling her a story, and she's...laughing..."
Beija: "...Mabait ka nga kasi, eh."
...
I held an angel in my arms. And she liked me. I couldn't believe it. I felt ashamed to hold such a good thing.
...
...
I looked into the mirror.
*What are you?*
I couldn't believe I started out as something like that baby. Something so innocent, so beautiful, so pure, so kind...an angel.
*What have you become?*
I pressed my hand against my reflection.
*What happened to your wings?*
I touched my shoulders and upper back.
*What happend to your smile?*
I traced my hand over my lips.
*What happened to you?*
...
I leaned forward, until my head touched the cold glass of the mirror.
I turned my head to the right, and my gaze fell on my lola's picture of Jesus posted on the door.
*My Lord and my God...will I ever be an angel?*
My healing powers...my messiah complex... They were all my abilities I wanted to use so much, despite the pain I recieve when I use it. They were all my desires to save people. To become an angel...
...
me: "I'll never be an angel..."
her: "Cel, you ARE an angel..."
me: "..."
her: "You ARE...just...just..."
me: "...Just what?"
her: "Just...*closes eyes*...not mine..."
...
Saturday, May 29
May 29 Sat.
"Okey yun, ah!" -me
Only one thing was resonating in my head as I lay in bed right after opening my eyes:
Roller Coaster.
...
At around 8:30, I went to Alex's house - our rendezvouz place - before we went for Enchanted Kingdom. I was the first to arrive. I just slumped on the sofa, and read a book, as I waited for the others to arrive. A while after Alex showed me a certain newspaper ad, Beija showed up. When we showed her the ad, she fell to the floor, laughing her head off. I covered my face with the book I was reading, as I shook with laughter.
The ad?
A picture of a wristwatch, with bunnies on the clockface. Umm...for the sake of the minors reading this blog, I won't specify. I'll leave you with these:
"Bunny Sutra" "Censored, Censored, Censored"
We chatted a little round the dining table about the *ahem* seating arrangements on the van. With Beija holding the pen and paper, I feared for my moral values. While Alex was talking to her friend over the phone, Beija and I went outside on the porch and sat on the bench. Beija then played a couple of songs on Alex's guitar. I just leaned on my hand and listened. After a while, we were both muttering an assortment of songs under our breaths...and Alex was getting impatient. The others hadn't arrived yet.
When they finally DID arrive, we went outside and boarded the van. As everybody was rushing to get their favorite seat, I was backing away. At Sop spotted me, and tugged me. Okay, so I got the seat right next to the door. After texting my dad, we were off. It was a long trip, and we had to pick up Alex's friend. After a couple of roundtrips (due to the very irritating lectures of the driver), the group was finally complete, and we were off to our stopover: Petron station.
We were really noisy at the McDonald's line, but we hardly cared.
Ate Sop: "O, Celine...anong i-oorder mo?"
Me: "Hmm...Large fries." (pause) "Yun lang."
Everybody: "Ano?!"
Me: "Whaaat? Di ko mauubos pag mas marami dun!"
Ate Sop: "Kumain ka!"
Les: "Kundi, pakakainin ka namin!" *raises her hand, pretending she's holding a spoon* "Here comes the choo-choo!"
Me: "Nyaaaaa! Scary!"
Us: *laughing our heads off*
After buying our food at McDo and at Starbucks, I went straight to the store. To buy what? Candy, of course. Lots of it. I grabbed about 5 lollipops, and 2 jumbo lollipops - jumbo, as in almost the size of an egg, and a pack of Bubble Gum. After paying for them we went back to the van to eat. I had to go back with Angela to McDo, coz she didn't have a fork and spoon.
Beija: "Aaaww...bait ni sister!"
Me: "Sira!"
At McDo, I met Pia! We chatted a little, then Angela and I had to go. When we boarded the van, we ate and were off to E.K. During the trip, we were having a lot of fun. *sweatdrop*
Angela: *points outside to a firetree* "Ang ganda ng firetree..."
Me: "Oo nga... Uy, alam mo ba, may tribe sa northern Luzon na pumupugot ng mga ulo pag namulaklak ang mga firetree."
Them: "Urgh...talaga?"
Me: "Yap. Sabi sakin ni dad."
Angela: (to ate Sop) "Ate, diba kakaiba din ung tradition ng mga T'boli?"
Ate Sop: "Ay, oo nga..."
Us: "Bakit?"
Ate Sop: "Kapag may dumating na visitor, yung man of the house ino-offer nya ung kanyang asawa or mga daughters sa visitor."
Us: *raises eyebrow* "Woah..."
(pause)
Me: *laughs* "Okey yun, ah!"
(pause)
Them: *eyes widen, gapes at me* "YAAAAAKKKKK! CELINE!!! SAN NANGGALING YUN?!"
Me: *stutters* "I-er...I didn't mean it that way!"
Les: "Celine, ikaw, ha...lumalabas na..."
Beija: *laughing her head off*
Me: "No! Tumigil ka nga jan, sis!"
Them: "Asus! Deny ka pa jan, Celine!"
Me: *slaps my hand on my forhead* *sinks into my chair*
When we finally reached E.K., we were so excited, that we had half a mind to wade through the grassland across the highway to the park. But then we were stopped by a personell who told us we couldn't go in. Why?
SMART lockdowned the whole park to have an exclusive day to SMART personell only.
*curses*
We gaped at the guy who told us the news, and had to resist the urge to whip out our grenade launchers and bomb the place. After futile attempts of trying to talk to the people who managed the place, we were forced to go back. We decided to hang at Beija's place. The trip back was...okay. They were having lots of...fun. The important thing was, they were happy. All of them.
Oh, except for the girl who was constantly clenching and unclenching her fist, banging her head on the window beside her, stabbing her finger with her pin, locking her hands together and painfully squeezing them tight, and fighting the urge to slide open the door and jump out onto the highway.
We had a short stopover at some mall for a pitstop. Most of us stayed in the van. I borrowed Beija's CD player, and listened to one of her CDs. Track 3 was the bomb. I didn't even notice it was on maximum volume. I was laughing softly under my breath. *I was sinking...with a smile on my face.* Beija took one look at me, and snatched the player away.
Beija: "You're not sinking...you're DROWNING! GIVE ME THAT."
I slumped back into my chair. *Iris is a good song!* After a while, my dad called.
Me: *sign of the cross* "Here we go..."
Them: *falls silent*
Me: *talks to my dad, explains the change of plans* *hangs up* *slumps back into my chair*
(pause)
Les: "Are you aware that you said the word 'daddy' 6 times in a row?"
Me: "Yes."
Them: "Bakit?"
Me: "It's a sign of respect that became a habit. After every sentence, after every phrase...always ends with-"
Them: "Daddy."
Me: "Yeah."
(silence)
Beija: "Did he kill you?"
Me: "Umm..." *pause* "N-no..."
Beija: "Cel. Did he kill you? Yung totoo."
Me: "Erm...no....totoo." *inhale*
(silence)
Les: "That's weird...since she's talking and breathing, how could she be killed?"
Me: *knocks head against window*
When we finally reached Beija's place, we all hung around her room for a while. I stood in a corner. Beija asked us if we wanted to see her in a *cough* pink tanktop. *Tinatanong pa ba yun?* She agreed, opened her cabinet, and took out her pink outfit.
Beija: "Sige, isusuot ko. Uy, pero pangbahay lang siya."
Us: "Okay lang yun, sige, suotin mo na!"
Beija: "Okay."
(pause)
Me: "Dito ka na lang magbihis."
Beija: *stops dead*
Them: *eyes widen* *rolls on floor, laughing their heads off*
Te Sop: "Oh my God!"
Les: "Yaaaakkk! Celine! Kanina ka pa, ah! Nahahalata na!!!"
Beija: (amidst laughter) "Gagi!"
Me: *stutters* *slaps hand to forhead*
We then watched a movie called: Kung POW! Which turned out to be a very. very. very. IQ depleting flick. As in. Yeah, it was hilarious, but after the movie, we all got headaches. It was official. We all got dumber. But we had popcorn and coke! But we still got dumber. Dinner time, we gathered round the table, and ate chicken, pasta, cake and bibingka. I had to hand it to Beija's mom, she was good. She could prepare all this for 9 people on such short notice. *There were some things about Kaiser that Beija shouldn't have told us while we were eating...*
After dinner, we went back upstairs and watched Beauty and the Beast. Instead of watching, I just checked out Beija's collection of pics. *Sephiroth chibi version is CUUUUTTTEEE!!!* I was also laughing at the fact that Te Lalaine, Alex, and Les found Beast cute. Hahahaha!!! At some point, I found myself looking over to them - all cuddled together, enjoying the movie - then standing up and walking towards Beija's room, and just sitting there on the bed for the longest time. Then I would march to the bathroom, and stay inside for God knows how long - doing absolutely nothing. When I came to my senses, I found myself looking into the full-length mirror on the door, with my hand pressed against my reflection. I went outside, took one look at them, slumped in front of the computer and typed. Typed what? Everything I felt at the moment. Everything I wanted to do. The title:
"Right Now."
...
After the movie, we hung around in Beija's room again. Alex and her friend in one corner, slumped on the beanbag, Beija and Te Sop took the bed, and the rest of us gathered around Beija's huge container full of Lego. *I love Lego. Really.* Angela made an airplane that ended up looking more like a space shuttle, Les made a house that had a Christmas tree and way too many chairs, Ate Lalaine made a crossbow which she put a lot of Lego people on, and I... I made a HEART.
As I rummaged through the pile of Lego pieces, I discovered that making a heart was hard work. As in. I wanted to make it pure red, and there were lots of red pieces. But the pieces I was looking for were hard to find. And when I was putting them together, I would often absentmindedly place some of the pieces aside...and somebody else would take them. As the heart took shape, it was very hard to keep it together. It was so damn fragile! When I finally finished it, I put a Lego chair in the middle, and put the whole thing on a stand.
Me: "It's finished! My heart is complete!" *hugs the heart*
Them: "Wow..."
Alex: "Sabi na nga ba, heart yan, eh!"
Me: *still holding the heart gently* "Grabe, pinag-hirapan ko talaga to...its my heart..."
Them: *throws pillows around*
Beija: *accidentally throws a pillow at me*
Me: "WATCH IT, BEIJA! DON'T BREAK MY HEART AGAIN!"
Them: *laughs*
Beija: "Sowee..."
Me: *blinks* *laughs softly*
It dawned to me. Building a heart out of Lego was almost the same thing as *figuratively* building a heart. The pieces were hard to find, and it takes dedication and a lot of patience. Putting the pieces together needs precision and extreme care. Keeping them together was even more difficult. And the moment you finish building it, you marvel at it, and want to protect it for all you're worth. You hold it close to you. Then you find out that there are a lot of things that can destroy it, or break it. Then you realize it's empty - hollow. You put a chair in it, so that somebody would stay inside it, inside your heart.
...
I closed my eyes at the memory. Ah, yes...sounds so familiar.
...
I stared at the thing I created - my heart. There was a Lego person inside it.
Te Lalaine: *points to the Lego person* "Uuuyyy...sino yan?"
Me: *smiles* "Nobody."
Te Lalaine: "Ah, ikaw yan, ano?"
Me: "Nope..."
Te Lalaine: "Eh di sino?"
Me: *smiles* "Wala lang..." *takes out the Lego person, gives it to Te Lalaine* "Sayo na lang, ate."
Te Lalaine: "Awww...di wala nang laman puso mo..."
(pause)
Me: *closes eyes* *laughs softly*
...
I took a hinge-like Lego piece and attatched it to the heart. I closed the ladder-like hinge, which looked like bars cutting across the heart and the empty chair inside it.
I stared at it.
An empty heart. With bars.
I held it close and smiled.
*It's better this way...*
...
Ate Lalaine took our finished Lego creations, and put Lego people on them, and took pictures. Haha, we enjoyed that a lot. When it was time to go back to Alex's place, none of us moved. And nobody objected. But when we finally DID go...
Te Lalaine: *holding her Lego crossbow* "Oy, Beija!"
Beija: "What?"
Te Lalaine: *carefully puts hers, Les', and Angela's work in the Lego bin* "Alagaan mo yung mga ginawa namin, ha?"
Beija: "Sure...haha, unless kuya breaks them apart."
Te Lalaine: "Huy, wag naman..."
Beija: *laughs* "Okay, okay, aalagaan ko."
Te Lalaine: "Yay..."
(everybody gets out of the room except for me)
Me: *looks at the heart I made* *whispers* "Hwag mo nang alagaan yung sakin, Beija...its' not worth it anyway..."
...
After getting our pasalubongs from Beija, we left and went to Alex's place. We hung around for a while at the front porch, trying hard not to listen to the very 'baduy' songs and music coming from the neighbor who was having a party. *God! Ang baduy!* We were all fighting the urge to bulldoze the place to the ground. We talked about a lot of different stuff. Then Alex's older brother (who is really funny and cool, may I say) showed us a sketch he made.
Alex's kuya: *peeking through the front door* "Hey guys...gusto nyong makakita ng malupit na drawing?"
Us: "Sige ba..."
Alex's kuya: *grins* "Wait, alam nyo ba yung 'poring' sa Ragnarok? Yung mga cute na blobs?"
Us: "Yup."
Alex's kuya: "Eto ang version ko..." *shows us his sketch*
Us: *gapes* *laughs* *gapes again* "Woah, grabe..."
Les: *laughs* "Parang gangstah poring!"
Me: "Pucha, pare, astigin!!!"
Alex's kuya: *grins*
It was a picture of a really rotten poring. Think Mafia. Think gangsters. With the wrinkled skin, chapped lips, and narrowed sunken eyes. And don't forget the stick of cigar he's smokin. Grabe, ang astig.
After a while, Ate Sop's car came, and everybody left. Except me. Hn. First to arrive, last to leave. I embraced ate Sop, and ate Lalaine gave me her famous bone-crushing hug. Then out of nowhere, Les came up behind me, locked her arms around my ribs and squeezed her inner arms tight. I gasped for air for a few seconds, then laughed. I looked at Les as she let go of me, and she grinned.
Les: "Haha, I haven't done that in a while."
Me: "Yeah...thanks. Haha, y'know...it actually helps when you do that. My lungs tend to expand."
Les: *pouts*
When they all left, I hung around at the porch on the bench for a while. I don't know how long I sat there, just trying not to listen to the very irritaing sounds from the neighbor's party. Some time later, Alex's Dad was shocked to find me outside, and made me stay in the living room. So I did. I sat there on the couch, leaning against my bag, for the longest time. Alone. It was kinda embarrassing, since Alex was so sleepy already. I let her sleep. Her Kuya didn't seem to approve, though, but I convinced him I was ok alone.
*I wasn't. I sunk.*
When our car finally came, I thanked profusely, and said goodbye to Alex's kuya.
Damn...that was a day I'd never forget, haha!
...
But the day didn't end there. Not for me.
...
As the memories of the day that just passed flashed in my mind, only one song echoed through my head.
"But in reality I'm
Slowly losin' my mind
Underneath the guise of a smile-
Gradually I'm dying inside.
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Coz I don't want to reveal
The fact that I'm suffering."
...
"So I wear my disguise
Till I go home at night..."
I took off my jeans and shirt, and changed into my pj's.
"Turn down all the lights..."
I turned off the lights, and crashed on my bed.
...
"Then I break down and cry...cry...cry..."
...
I closed my eyes.
...
Monday, May 24
May 24 Mon.
"Where you are...
Where you and I will be together
Once again...
We'll be dancing in the moonlight just like
We used to do...
And you'll be smiling back at me...
Only then will I be free
When I can be
Where you are." -Where You Are, Jessica Simpson and Nick Leche
...
A whole day of reality...consumed by a few minutes of Dream's sweet murmurs.
...
He always wore long-sleeves. Always.
...
I remember...
I was just standing there, looking down, with my long hair veiling my face. My insides were ice cold and rock hard. I was devoid of feelings then. I had downed too many shots of pain. I was numb.
From a distance, a tall figure stood up and took a few steps towards me.
"Celine...what's wrong...?" he asked, his voice filled with concern. Concern, ha. At that moment...I hated it.
I lifted my limp arms, and folded them across my chest. I tilted my head up, and looked into his eyes - one of them slightly veiled by strands of his chestnut hair. He stopped dead in his tracks. I saw him stiffen a bit, obviously taken aback by my cold, empty eyes.
He took a step back. He could sense the hatred in me.
*Yeah. Run away. Like all the others.*
...
But he didn't. He reached forward and held my shoulders. I scowled at his gentle grip.
"Let go of me, I'm fine." I muttered, trying to wriggle out of his grasp. He still didn't let go of me. "What's your problem?" I asked, my voice rising. "I said I'm fine!" I brushed his hands away.
...
The moment I made him let go of me, time seemed to slow down. I watched as his hands slowly inch away from my shoulders, as the warmth of his fingers faded from my cold skin. My mind snapped. I felt the excruciating weight of being alone...of being left alone by the one person who wanted to help me. Who wanted to reach me...
I wanted to take it back. To apologize. To tell him what it was that made me act this way...
Years of misery. Topped off with a very painful day.
But he had already taken back his hands, and lowered his gaze.
I blew it again. Too late. But...it was probably for his own good. At least he wouldn't have to waste his time and efforts on a hopeless wasted case like me.
I closed my eyes, as the harsh reality of my curse crushed my heart in its merciless grip.
...
My cheek was suddenly seared with a soft warmth. I snapped opened my eyes. He had his hand gently pressed against the side of my face. I was stunned. And yet, I still couldn't make myself look straight at him.
"We all have problems, you know..." he said, as a matter of factly.
"Oh yeah?" I quietly retorted, softly laughing under my breath. I frantically took off my watch and brandished my left wrist in front of him. "Well, I'll bet your 'problems' ain't worse than this!"
He looked down at my forearm. Two diagonal lines, still fresh - reddish brown and slightly swollen - cutting across my wrist...and my soul...
For a few moments, he was silent. "Well..." he whispered, "I'm afraid you'd lose that bet, Celine."
Without another word, he slowly pushed both his sleeves, up to his elbows. I took one look and...
My heart broke.
Lines thick and thin alike, scratches, slash marks, punctures, and cigarette burns - old scars littering his forearms.
...
Silence.
...
"People think I'm perfect, and I have it all." he stated, his voice slightly cold. "But they can't see past the expensive clothes, can they?"
I stayed silent.
"I've been like this...as far back as I can remember... And for so many years, nobody's ever tried to find me." his voice was slightly softening, as he sunk deeper into his memories. "But look...none of them are fresh." He pointed out to his scars. Yes...it looked like he hadn't hurt himself in a while.
"That's coz' now...I have a reason to stop wallowing in my pain, and start caring for something that's worth...much more."
My mind pounded. Good for him, I thought.
"This is me, Celine..." he said simply. "The real me... And you're the only one who's ever tried to find me. And you have."
...
Blank. I couldn't say anything. Guilt started to seep in - steaming hot, and made me feel like I was rotting inside. How stupid of me... Here I was, too affixated on my own problems to realize that here was a creature - with even bigger problems - and he was trying to help me. And I did nothing but push his hands away.
My pain now seemed so trivial compared to his.
I pursed my lips...words failed me. I hung my head.
...
My cheeks were suddenly flushed with the warmth of his hands. He stooped down a little, until his face was level with mine.
"I don't want you to hurt...like me..." He said softly.
...
I slowly raised my gaze, and looked into his eyes. I expected him to disappear like a bubble. He was too...surreal, too...impossible...to be true...
He didn't disappear.
...
There were no words. I buried my face into his chest and cried.
I wept for all I was worth.
And he did nothing but wrap his arms around me, and hold me close as I broke down.
...
And I woke up to the subtle darkness of 3:00am, with tears on my pillow, and a smile softly playing on my lips.
...
Saturday, May 22
May 22 Sat.
"If you really love her...you'll let her be happy...you'll let her go..." -Fairy Godmother, Shrek
I had a lot of dreams...in a span of 2 hours. They were just fragments...
But the most significant was the last... I was moving - either walking or driving - along the side of a valley. There was a village on the valley, and a few houses on the hill beside it. Right above it all was a huge rainbow, forming an arch across from the road to the other side. The rainbow was gorgeous...bright and looked almost solid. When I reached past it, I saw that it was made out of stained glass, and the sun was shining behind it.
I woke up quite confused. I told my dad about it, and he said it was a very good sign. My dad knew that I've always had very symbolic dreams, even when I was a kid. And they almost always seem to signify a certain truth in the past, present, or future.
Me: "So dad...anong ibig sabihin nun?"
Dad: "Hmm...ano ba ang ibig sabihin ng rainbow sa bible?"
Me: "Er... God's promise to Noah?"
Dad: "Exactly."
Me: "Ah..." *scratches head* "Anong promise? That things will get better?"
Dad: "That's...possible. Basta good sign siya."
Me: "Pero dad...stained glass siya, eh. Baka fake lang."
Dad: "Not necessarily. The stained glass might signify craftmanship or hardwork."
Me: "Erm...okay..."
(silence)
Me: "Does it also signify hope, dad?"
Dad: "Oo...tama. Siyempre hope. Promise of God na may hope."
Me: *laughs my head off*
Hope huh? Right.
I know a rainbow is supposed to be a good sign. I mean...everybody likes rainbows. They signify hope, beauty, and rest from strife. Like in the songs: "Through the rain" and they lyrics: "There's a rainbow always after the rain..." No matter how harsh the storm, people will always wait for the rainbow that softly forms over the damaged area.
Like a giant geo-band-aid.
...
But... I'm not really sure. That was because back in 3rd grade, I was in our car, on my way to my lola's place. And as we were driving down a highway, I looked up through my window and saw...a rainbow. Take note. Not your typical arch rainbow that you see over yonder. Nope. It was DIRECTLY OVERHEAD. A broad ring of color - A COMPLETE CIRCLE - right above. And the sun was in the middle of it. Now...I was stunned then. I mean... It's a fact that rainbows aren't really arches, they're circular. But its IMPOSSIBLE to see a completely circular rainbow. It's scientifically impossible, because the light from the sun needs a certain angle to be able to be refracted by the water droplets in the atmosphere. That's why you can't see a rainbow in the middle of the day (at noon), because the sun is directly overhead.
But it was noon, and there was a rainbow! And the sun was right in the middle of it! I felt so...blessed...to have seen such a rare phenomenon. I took it as some sort of sign...that my luck and life would get better. Ah...but it was the EXACT OPPOSITE. From that day on...my life got a lot more miserable.
That's why I'm having second thoughts about that dream.
...
Anyway, Kuya Dad and I went to Glorietta that afternoon. We watched Shrek 2, and there's just one thing I can say about that movie.
IT HAS GOT TO BE ONE OF THE MOST HILARIOUS MOVIES EVER!!!
Oh my GOD! The first five minutes, and we were laughing our heads off! As in! Oh man...I was doubling over, shaking uncontrollably with laughter right beside my dad and bro, and they didn't mind! Why? That's coz they found the movie just as funny as I did!
Oh, no. I'm not gonna give any spoilers. But I'll tell you this: You will die laughing!
Gingerbread Man has got to be the most sadistic piece of pastry ever!
I'm all for Puss in Boots! He's a genius!!!
Hahaha! Watch it! And try to pinpoint the many movies they incorporated in it. That is...if you can still breathe, hahaha!
Icequeen out.
Wednesday, May 19
May 19 Wed.
"Are you SURE...?!" -Bong Omaga-Diaz
"Heh. At naniwala ka naman?!" -dad
Kuya and I went to Glorietta to meet with our cousin Kuya Dale. Kuya Dale is our cousin on our mother's side, and I haven't seen him in years. The most vivid picture I could remember about him was that...he was our playmate - me, kuya, and him, always getting into trouble whenever we visited at Zamboanga. I remembered he was tall, and had short wavy hair - Jose Rizal style. We'd play around our lola's house... (he was part of the stuff-a-banana-through -the-bird's-beak-and -break-its-jaw episode)
Haha, we used to have races in the house, and I'd always lose. One time, kuya and him dashed down the stairs as I was tying my shoes. I wanted to catch up, and took a big leap. Bad idea. I took a big leap down the stairs...and rolled my way down, and ended with a sickening slam on the landing.
Kuya Dale always tried to help me improve my posture. He'd squeeze my shoulders back and kindly tell me that I should really act like a lady.
...
That was before. Now, he was 21 - in college, taking up entrepreneurship, and he grew his hair longer. And I...
I was wearing a green off-shoulder top.
*People change...*
The moment he saw me - he was coming down the escalator at G4, and kuya and I were waiting for him at the bottom - his jaw dropped. He and kuya met a few weeks back, but he hadn't seen me until now. We just stood there - three very tall cousins, slightly gaping at each other, marvelling at how time changed us. He kept on exclaiming that I was a model. That he was so proud of me for being such a "lady" - with a straight back, decent clothes, and a smile on my face. I couldn't believe he was the Kuya Dale I once played around the garden with...he was so tall! And a lot more mature. Ah, but there was still some of the old Kuya Dale in him...which made me sling my arm around his shoulders and laugh like a lunatic.
The three of us hung around Starbucks for a while - in the smoking section. I was the only one not smoking. We chatted a little, and had a few laughs. Amidst the heat and babble, I only watched as they sucked on stick after stick, and released 2 or 3 years of their lives with every smoke-filled breath.
My eyes stared intently at the glowing embers.
I'll tell you this: everyone in that balcony longed to get lost in a warm, comforting nicotine heaven. EVERYONE.
What kept me from snatching a stick, flicking on the lighter, then slowly close my eyes as I "Hit-hit-buga"?
My promise. And the thought that a select few...actually gives a damn about me.
...
After a while, one of Kuya Dale's friends came over and joined us. Who was his friend? Bong Omaga-Diaz. A fashion designer. Kuya was thrilled, and did most of the fashion-chat. Kuya Dale joined in every once in a while. I just sat there and stared...still shocked at what Bong told me the moment he saw me.
Bong: *comes over to our table* "Dale! I was looking for you!" *looks at us* "Hello there, good afternoon..."
Kuya Dale: *introduces us*
Kuya: *stands up and shakes his hand* "Nice to meet you, I'm an avid fan."
Bong: "Why, thank you!" *turns to me*
Me: *smiles* *shakes his hand* "Nice to meet you, I'm Celine."
Bong: *pauses* *stares at me* "Why...you're so tall! Ang pretty mo pa... Do you want to be a model?"
Me: *eyes widen* *gapes slightly* "Ah...I-I...Th-thanks...but n-no thanks..."
Bong: *sits down* "What?! Why not?!" *shocked*
Me: *stutters*
Kuya: "Ah...because its not allowed in her school."
Bong: "What?! No way..." *leans closer* "Are you SURE...?"
Woah...man, I was shocked the whole day. Kuya was grinning - he always told me I could be a model, and that I was pretty, but just needed help with my self-esteem. But I didn't believe him. And now that a well-known fashion designer told me this...
*twitch*
After that, we watched a movie: The Eye 2. Yeah, I know its pretty low-grade, and just...well...surprising at times. We were laughing, really. But there were SOME images that were really kinda scary. I mean...if you see a body of a boy slam onto the pavement and get crushed on impact - but his eyes are still rolling madly, and he's muttering "Have you seen my father? Why does my head hurt so much?" ...you'll stop laughing. And when the boy's mother slams beside him, doing the same thing, muttering "What time is it?" ...you'll start cowering a bit.
There was one scene - when the protagonist (a girl) - just had her 3rd break-up, and tries to commit suicide in her condo unit. She wears a beautiful red dress, lies down on the bed, gulps down three bottles of sleeping pills, and calls her boyfriend. The boyfriend realizes something is wrong, and asks. She answers, crying softly into the cell phone.
"When you've been hurt so much...when you've experienced so much pain...that you can't feel anything anymore... What do you do...?"
...
I lowered my gaze. I remembered how that felt.
To wake up every single day, and take in the pain - drink it like it's a shot of tequila. Relish it, savor it, as it sears your lips and the inside of your mouth. You would want to spit it out - you don't have to take it, you can fight back. But no. You swallow it...squeeze your eyes shut and grit your teeth as it burns its way down your throat. And once inside your being...it swirls around, seemingly flooding your lungs with thick liquid. It then solidifies...and becomes a part of you. You become numb...trapped in a wastlend of your own frozen tears. An Icequeen...
For so many years, I have done that. So much, that I'm all suppressed pain and anguish inside a 15-year old girl's skin. It stops, though...with love...
But now...it looks like I'm gonna go back to being my old self again.
...
After the movie, we ate at Mexicali with Tita Connie - Kuya Dale's mom - my mother's younger sister. After a few comments about how much I've grown, Tita Connie and Kuya Dale went to watch the final show of Jersey Girl, and Kuya and I decided to go home.
In the car, I just sat there, staring out the window. With the rain blurring the view, and filling my ears with its soothing sound, as the world was covered in a blanket of tears...
I sank.
I drowned in my own emotions. I despaired. Everything I suppressed gurgled up and threatened to fill me with hatred and cynicism. My friends comforted me... But I was too afraid to tell them what I was feeling... I was afraid to hurt them.
"I want to push you all away, because you can't help me... You're all so happy and saved and loved now, and you try so hard to pull me up, but I can't do it... I feel so confused and frustrated and envious... I want to hate you...because I can't see what I've done to deserve this - and I can't understand why it seems that I'm the only one who doesn't deserve to be happy... But I can't hate you, because I love you guys so much, and I don't want you to leave me, I don't want you to believe me when I ask you to hate me, and oh... I feel like crying..."
*...*
...
At home, as I was gonna say good night to my dad...
Me: "Matutulog na po ako, dad...good night..." *kisses him on the cheek*
Dad: "I love you."
Me: *blinks* *embraces him* "Love you too, dad."
Dad: "O, balita ko daw, sinabihan ka ni Bong Omaga-Diaz na pwede ka daw mag-model..."
Me: *smiles* "Opo dad!"
Dad: "Heh. At naniwala ka naman?!" *laughs*
Me: *blinks* *stutters* *not knowing whether to love him or hate him* "Ah...eh... h-hindi ko po alam..."
...
Bottoms up.
Tuesday, May 18
May 18 Tues.
"F-for....me...?" -me
I got this freeverse poem written by a guy. He had worked on it for quite some time, and gave it to his daughter - who, like me (and the rest of you readers) was affixated on the concept of negativity and death.
His words were full of love for his children, and concern for the present generation. Goes to show what we DON'T realize about our parents...
It speaks on behalf of your parents.
*Basahin nyo, siguradong matatablan kayo. Hwag kayong mag-speed reading, intindihin nyo. Kahit ulit-ulitin nyo pa yung mga stanza. Ipakita nyo sa mga magulang nyo kung gusto nyo.
*SHELTERED, SHIELDED*
Today's seed --
sheltered, shielded
from a sun indifferent
to their unfolding
Well-meaning, we took on
the pain, soaked up the heat
so our own seed would not wither
Under the same cruel sun
We ourselves had endured.
Today's seed --
pampered, fully coiffed
brazen, unashamed as
we had not been in our time
chock-full of vitamins,
reeking of allowance, PC-savvy!
You would have thought
their vision was of lands and lives
beyond those we had ever known
or ever hoped to live
And yet despite the steely, shiny hair
the braced and polished rows of teeth
beneath signature jeans and crafted beads
simmers fear that knows no relief,
despair that heeds no comfort, souls
that never yet reached the sanctuary hewn
by someone else's unconditional love for them
worse --it is love not realized nor acknowledged
more vicious in complexity than unrequited love
And thus, our progeny have been cast adrift
on an ocean of indifference --tiny, shiny baubles,
lost at sea, grasping ocean spray as if they were
lifelines. Huddled with friends who are equally
clueless as to direction, but not intensity
What can we say when, confronted by life's adversities,
they put on the garment of apathy against injustice,
Denial when faced with crises, Escape in the guise of
being "cool"?
Death, you are the great chameleon!
You have convinced them of great untruths!
They think that in you there is respite from strife,
Oblivion from a hideous past, Comfort from cruel
classmates.
When all you ever were, or ever hoped to accomplish
was simply to be a lie --with limpid, caressing arms
While standing on the portals of a darkening abyss
When all you ever sheltered, shielded
were the portals of your darkening abyss.
...
Read it again, if you must.
Grabe, natablan ako dun, nung binasa ko. Mas grabe pa nung nalaman ko kung sino yung nagsulat.
...
him: "O, basahin mo." *hands me the copy of the poem*
me: "Uh...okay." *reads it* *puts the copy aside*
him: "Tapos mo na?"
me: *nods* "Ang galing..."
him: "Para sayo yan."
me: *eyes widen* "F-for...me...?!" *grabs copy and reads it again*
...
Author: Maximo V. Estrada...
...
My dad.
...
R&R please. *wink*
Saturday, May 15
May 15 Sat.
"but... i dont.... see you as anything... more than a friend....." -her
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY, AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY...DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
...
...
SABI NANG I MEAN IT, EH!
...
...
Okay, if you're still reading, then you're either really sad, or really curious.
...
OR MAYBE YOU'RE JUST REALLY STUPIXD.
...
Like me...
...
...
How to Enter the 7 Stages of Hell All at Once:
Step 1: Read my May 2 entry...VEEERYY SLOOWLYY.
Step 2: Relish every word and thought.
Step 3: Read it again.
Magic Step: Change the ending to...
...
I stared blankly at the screen.
My face flushed with a numb sensation.
My insides felt like a house of cards flopping down with a dull flutter.
I laughed.
Hard.
My laughter echoed throughout the house.
I grabbed the first thing I could reach...
A stapler.
...
"LET'S SEE HOW THIS WORKS, SHALL WE?!" I shrieked, a manic glint in my eyes, and adrenalin pounding crazily through my empty veins.
Without thinking, I stuffed my left wrist against the cold steel, and squeezed the stapler with my right hand.
*Chink!*
...
My eyes widened. My hands stopped shaking.
"Oh...dear..." I muttered, pulling my wrist away. I just stared... It was kinda pretty...
A remnant of an old scar, hidden beneath my wristwatch... With a sliver of cold steel neatly embedded against it, forming a cross... of dull brown and bright silver.
I gently prodded it. Then slowly pulled the staple out.
Crimson fluid bubbled up from one of the puncture marks, and slowly trickled down my wrist.
I just...stared. Trying to comprehend... Why didn't it hurt? Why was blood only coming out of one of the punctures? From such a tiny wound, why was there...SO MUCH BLOOD...?
...
Status: Bleeding. Outside and in.
...
I still wasn't thinking straight. I...wasn't thinking at all. My head was insanely pounding. After a few seconds...my mind snapped.
In a flash, I pressed my bleeding wrist against my mouth and...
me: you wanna know what im doing? im sucking the blood from my wrist...hahahaha...
...
It was only until I was tucking myself in bed, did I realize... I had hit a vein. The puncture wounds were healed, but the vein still wasn't. The internal hemorrhage had formed a broad bump on my wrist. A VERY PAINFUL bump. It ached when I flexed my hand, or when even the least amount of pressure was exerted against it.
...
At least it kept me from drowning in my emotional pain.
...
But you know what?
...
...
*Mahal ko pa rin siya.*
Thursday, May 13
May 13 Thurs.
"Well I saw you
with your hands above your head,
Spinning around,
Trying not to look down,
But you did,
And you fell hard...
On the ground." -You're the Only One, Maria Mena
Its funny...when you think you're all alone...nobody cares, everybody's too busy with their lives and loved ones, Hope's tricked you again, Pain's on your case, Death's out of your reach, Fate's breathing down your neck, and the only person who ever understood you is happy being in love with someone else...
Memories start to emerge from the deepest depths of your subconcious, and gently cradles you in a familiar overwhelming and warm embrace...
Honestly, I think its some sort of involuntary defense mechanism.
...
"Immortal memories of a love sublime,
Forever lost in space and time..."
I had a dream. A memory...from a semi-forgotten past...
...
He said I was thin.
I narrowed my eyes and put my hands on my waist. The nerve! Oh, so I go through a day littered with insults, and now, I was being scrutinized by this guy in my dream! A dream, for cryin' out loud! I knew he only meant is as a joke, but I wasn't going to lie back and take all of it in, like I always do...
"Oh yeah?" I asked, evidently fuming. "Well, for a guy...you're...SKINNY!" My heart was hammering, at the thought of finally be able to lash out at somebody.
He gaped slightly. He couldn't believe it either. "Skinny? I am NOT! I...I work out, y'know!" He exclaimed, blinking at me.
I rolled my eyes. "Is that supposed to mean anything to me?" I retorted, my words being a lot colder than I intended them to be. The moment I realized what I had done...it was too late.
His grin faded, and he lowered his gaze. He slowly turned away from me. My mind snapped. Damn! No no no...I didn't mean it... I grit my teeth and shut my eyes. I wanted to apologize...tell him that I was just really...pathetic and disturbed...that I just went through a really shitty day... Ah, but I blew it. He wouldn't understand... Great. Somebody gets close to me, and I just had to slit his throat.
An awkward silence. The only sound was of water, splashing and gurgling in the fountain beside the stone bench where I was seated.
"Well..." He said in a low tone. "If I'm skinny...then I guess I can't do this!"
In a flash, he turned around and scooped me up from the bench, and held me in his arms, as easily as he would a stack of books.
"Hmm...I'd say around a hundred and ten...hundred and fifteen pounds?" he wondered out loud, an innocent thoughtful look on his face.
"A hundred and nine, now put me down!" I exclaimed, trying my best to hide the nervous tone in my voice. He was...too...close...dammit.
He pursed his lips, and cast a sideward glance, in mild thought. "Hmm...nope." A grin spread on his face. "And this is for calling me skinny!"
And with that, he spun me around. And around. And around. I flung my arms around his neck, and clung on for dear life. "Ngyaaaa...stop! Stooooppp!" I shrieked.
He stopped abruptly...then looked at my arms still holding tight to him. He raised an eyebrow. "Stop? Now that your arms are around my neck? I don't think so! Hahahahaha!"
With his arms under my shoulders and knees, he stepped up on the stone bench. "Oh no...put. me. down. now! This isn't funny!" I muttered, slightly wriggling in his arms. He just closed his eyes and smiled.
"Look...I know you had a bad day... I'm just going to...make you smile."
And again, he spun me around. And around. And around. I was shrieking and squealing like a little girl.
...
There was no sound. Only blurred colors of the grass, hedges, earth and sky. Faces of my torturers...family, teachers, horrible classmates, strangers on the street...they all seemed to be gently pushed away by this centrifugal force.
I felt my hair fly about and touch my face in wild disarray. The cool air was caressing my skin, and faintly whirring in my ears. The figures were slowly blending into each other, a dome of softly-stirred watercolor.
I lost myself.
But I...I felt afraid. Scared to death, really. Of what? Falling. I had put myself in the hands of somebody who could let go of me, or break me anytime. He had wiped my tears, soothed my fears, listened to my problems, chased away the demons, pulled me, and flew me so high up... He could send me plunging to my death in a blink of an eye...figuratively and literally.
With dread slightly gripping my heart, I looked up at his face.
Wind's fingers were running through his hair, gently pushing the chestnut strands away from his eyes.
And oh...
He had such deep brown eyes...
And they were gently looking into mine.
...
In the tiny fragmets of those blessed, blurry moments, I saw myself...reflected in his eyes.
A sense of peace washed over me. Warm and gentle, yet overwhelming.
In his arms, and soft gaze...
I found myself again.
...
The figures were starting to take shape once more. The earth and sky were split in two again, the fountain and hedges fell back into place, and the colors slowly unblended.
I could hear the crickets chirping faintly, and the soft gurgling sound of water once more. The stars started to appear in the sky, as the twilight crept in.
He had stopped spinning, and for quite some time - he was just standing there, on the bench, still holding me in his arms, just looking at me...the faint yellow glow of the fountain nightlights illuminating us both.
"So..." I muttered. "You finally got tired and dizzy, eh?"
He shook his head, smiling.
"So...why did you stop, then?"
...
"Because...you're smiling now..."
...
Monday, May 10
May 10 Mon.
"Wow! Mister Philippines!" -Tita Annie
Nothing much happened today...and even if it did, I can't remember, haha!
Every Sunday, the Estrada clan comes over to my lola's place for a get-together. I really miss my cousins...Kuya Lester and the twins - ate AnAn and EnEn in particular. We were very close when we were younger, and I looked so much like the twins, we would stick together and people called us triplets. Kuya Anton and Kuya Lester were best buds before - they used to get in trouble together, and bare their teeth at the camera pictures. But when I was nine, our mothers had an argument, and forced us to separate for 5 years or so. We grew up. I got taller, Kuya Anton got a lot more stylish, Kuya Lester got a whole lot smarter, and the twins got a lot prettier.
But I miss Regine the most. We used to be best of friends, growing up...always together in pics, sharing stories in our little corner, playing jacks on the floor, and having our own little adventures around lola's front yard. But she grew up too. She got smarter, and somewhat haughtier at some point. Then she became quite distant. But now, we were close again, sharing stories about our deranged teachers, x-men evolution, harry potter, psychic powers, and about school. She liked Linkin Park and Evanescence too...and she was becoming quite demented and loner in her school. I think she was being rejected in SanLo, so she's going to take HS in PhilSci. *Wince*
I tried to talk her out of it...A lot of my batchmates transferred there, and they CHANGED. Concrete example: my former best friend. I know Regine is smart - she really is. Fave is Math and Science, like me. But...PhilSci isn't really just about brains... This is one thing I learned from my former best friend...If you're not socially-inclined...you'll die in PhilSci. They chew you up and spit you out in your first year. Hectic academics plus bad gossip and teases equals death. I don't mean to badmouth PhilSci, its a great school, I'm sure. A lot of my teachers recommended me to that place. But...it doesn't teach much morals. And your mentality will eventually be: Kill or be killed. It's either you're up the social ladder, or you're the dirt they're standing on.
I didn't want Regine to change into somebody like...you know. *shudder*
But I can't stop her. If this is what she really wanted...I'll still be right here, accepting her for who she is and turns out to be. I'll help her stay good in any way. I'll track down and beat up anybody who badmouths her in PhilSci.
I'll still be the one who puts my arm around her shoulder in pics.
I'll still be the one who saves the space beside me on the sofa and dining table for her.
I'll still be the one who laughs with her when we hear something funny on TV, or when her little brothers do something stupid.
I'll still be the one who stands up to the sadistic scrutiny of our aunts and uncles, hold her shoulders and firmly say: "Regine...YOU ARE NOT FAT!"
I'll still be the one who says the prayer before meals with her.
I'll still be the one who crouches in a corner with her.
I'll still be her Ate Celine.
...
Ah, but for the time being...
Kainan na!
Pucha, napapamura ako sa pagkain ni lola! Ansaraaaaap, pare!
Haha, my grandma sure knows how to cook up a storm! Fish, vegetables, salads, fruits, meat, meat, and more meat! I mean da-mn! Even for an anorexic like me, I can't help but eat a lot everytime we have a get-together. At some point, Tita Annie asked me about my eating habits...
Tita: "Celine...bakit ka walang ganang kumain palagi?"
Me: "Er...kasi lagi akong nag-iisip, eh..."
Tita: "Ano? Anong koneksyon nun?"
Me: "Ah ganto, tita. Kung susubo na ako...napapatulala ako sa pagkain, tapos napapaisip ako...saan kaya nanggaling ung kanin? Pano kaya kinatay at na-process ung ulam...ganon."
Tita: "Ganon ka ba?! Ano ba naman yan! Kaya naman pala wala kang ganang kumain palagi!"
Me: "Ehehe...oo nga..."
Tita: "Sobra ka kung mag-isip! Try mo kaya...wag mag-isip kung kumakain ka. Try mo lang, kita mo...tataba ka, sigurado!"
Me: *laughs* "Sige ba, tita."
Tita Annie is nice.
I did. I got to finish my dinner, yeah! After eating, I played cards with my dad, Regine, and her younger brothers: Chris and Angelo out in the front yard. We had a lot of fun playing poker and 123pass. But when it started to rain, we cleared out and had to go home. In our clan, we have strict step-by-step procedure when we meet or say goodbye to our elders, to show respect.
1. Bless. (touch their hands on our forheads)
2. Kiss. (beso-beso)
3. Embrace. (embrace them. Duh.)
After the bless, kiss, embrace routine with our family (which took some time, we have a lot of aunts and uncles!), I pocketed the pack of cards. Angelo still wanted to play with them, and was throwing a fit. At first, he was wailing and whining and tugging at my arm. I didn't give in. Then he sulked in a corner and cried silently. I still didn't give in. Why? He had to learn. At first, I just dismissed it as a simple lesson to teach a child...but it dawned on me...it applied to me too...
Me: *gently strokes his back* "O, tahan na, Angelo...Sorry, pero hindi ko talaga mabibigay sayo ang gusto mo, aalis na kami, eh..."
Angelo: *continues sobbing*
Me: *closes eyes* "You have to learn...we can't all have what we want..."
Angelo: *sobs even more*
Me: *holds up his chin* "Hayaan mo Angelo. Next time. Next time maglalaro tayo. Next time, ok? O, tahan na, don't cry..."
Angelo: *sniffs* "Owkay..."
VCD Player: *plays harry potter*
Me: *smiles* "O, manood ka na ng Harry Potter...o, ayun, o, si harry potter!"
Angelo: *watches, laughs, acts as if nothing happened*
...
It's true. We can't all have what we want. It's a harsh reality. But we have to learn. I...have to learn. But he should be thankful. He couldn't have ONE of the many things he wanted...
I couldn't have ANYTHING I wanted.
Because the moment I acknowledge the fact that I want something...Fate makes sure I don't get it. Even goes as far as to give what I want to EVERYBODY ELSE...except for me.
...
It was raining hard outside, and Dad made us wear jackets. Kuya gave me his cap and I wore my green jacket with a hood. I put on the cap, zipped up the jacket, flipped on the hood, and put my hands in my pockets. I got a lot of different reactions from them:
Chris: "Ate! You look like Eminem!"
Regine: "Ate, you look...weird."
Dad: "Ano yang suot mo!"
Ah, but the winner:
Tita Annie: "Wow, Celine! Mukha kang...Mister Philippines!"
I pretty much laughed my head off all the way to the car, haha!
Oh yeah, and onother thing...elections suck.
Icequeen out.
Sunday, May 2
May 2 Sun.
"No..." -her
WARNING: DON'T EVER LET LIFE PASS YOU BY.
Hope-
That diminuative, illusive sneaky shmuck of an allegory.
...
Haha. I was finally killed by a single word.
...
*gunshot*
My lips parted slightly, and I felt the warm blood slowly trickle down the corner of my mouth.
My head tilted back, and I raised my eyes to the heavens. The vast crystal azure was suddenly devoured by the crimson blood of the setting sun.
I cursed the sky, as my body - broken and bleeding - kissed the parched, cracked earth.
From the countless wounds that riddled my body, crimson life flowed forth, quenching the land's endless thirst.
I wished to get back up, to stand, to fight. But I had not the strength. I had not the life. I was exhausted. I had collapsed, tired and weary. I wept, I bled, and I loved. Oh, God, did I love. And now...I lay there to die. At last...At long last. An empty shell, to be beaten against the dust from whence I came.
I lay on my stomach, my head tilted to one side, pressed against the ground. Pain's caresses seared my skin like white-hot lashes. I would twitch and softly gasp with every throb of my aching wounds.
"It will be over soon..."
I could feel my heartbeat slowly fading...the tempo of the dance called Life was finally coming to an end. Every breath I drew was short and laboured - as if Death's mouth was already clamped over mine in a lingering kiss.
As I witnessed the majestic sun die over the horizon, spilling her gorgeous crimson blood across the sky...I smiled.
"It's funny how something can be so beautiful...as it is dying."
I closed my eyes. Hot tears burned their way across my face, and dropped onto the earth. I relished the glare of the sun on my tear-stained face...so warm...
"I will die with you, O Sun."
As I felt the end draw near, a shadow settled on my face...shielding my closed eyelids from the light.
I raised my gaze...and there it was - a small figure hovering in midair, against the setting sun.
Hope...
In the form of a small bird.
My only hope.
...
I breathed in deeply. My lungs ached with the sweet, warm air of the impending twilight.
I grit my teeth, as I summoned all of my remaining strength to push myself up. I pulled myself from the earth's embrace...
My wounds burst open with a fresh wave of blood and pain...but I didn't care.
I straightened up best I could, one hand still clutching my side, where the bullet was.
Through half-closed eyes, I gazed at Hope. Still hovering in the air, as if waiting patiently for me...
I took one step forward. Pain exploded in my body, and sent me teetering on the brink of delirium.
*Am I doing the right thing? This is probably just another illussion...another dream...Is it worth more pain and suffering?*
...but I still pressed forward. I took the chance, the risk. I endured the torture...I forgot my own suffering.
I took another step. I was closer now...and it still didn't fly away...
*Oh God...can this be true? Am I finally going to be saved? Loved?*
I took one last step. It was in my reach...I stretched out my arm, and opened my hand against the orange light...I leaned forward, ready to gently close my blood-stained fingers around this beautiful creature...
*I'll be found...I'll be saved...I'll be loved. At last...at long last...*
...
(Is there hope?)
...
"No..."
...
*gunshot*
Time froze in its place.
I swayed slightly. My lips parted.
A steady flow of blood poured from a small hole in my chest.
With a flutter of tiny wings, it flew away from my reach...
Towards the sun...
...
(Not ever?)
...
"No...I...I'm sorry..."
...
I fell to my knees, as the cold twilight engulfed the earth and sky, slowly creeping into my skin.
I could do nothing but watch - through blurry eyes...as the sky darkened with night...
As the sun died...
As the cold hands of eternal winter froze my being...
As my hope...my only hope...flew towards the light...
Taking with it my heart...
...
My brother was asleep on the passenger seat,
The driver was tapping his fingers on the steering wheel,
The radio was playing Dove by Moony,
The people outside were hustling and bustling around...
...
And nobody saw the Cursed Child...
As she dropped her cellphone, lean softly against the car door, and weep silently with so much anguish...
Nobody but the sun...shining through the car window, warming her ebony locks.
...
The sun never heard such silence.
...