Saturday, April 23
Apr. 23 Sat.
“Maybe I’m a little addicted,
Maybe I just can’t get out of this..
Maybe it’s just too soon to say.
...
I’ve seen you blow right past my window-
You flew away and I was left inside
Without a clue..
But if you think I’m too stoned to write,
Don’t think twice
Free your mind
Don’t let me down –
We’ll find a way to make it go away..
...
I went ahead without direction –
A form of semi-self-mutilation..
Dragonfly collides with truth;
Why can’t you see me like I see you?
Can’t you feel me like I feel you?
Can’t you be with me tonight?” –Dragonfly
...
It’s true.
I’ve never been so damn happy in all my life..
So what the hell is wrong?
...
There’s this little voice in the back of my mind that’s ruining everything.
The damn devil’s advocate.
Its that little scream you hear when you go ”all in” at poker..that little trembling crick in your wrist when you push away all those colorful chips..
Dammit..i wish I didn’t think so much..i wish I was just a happy-go-lucky person who doesn’t have to analyze every single fuckin thing that involves the risks in this thing called love..
Blind trust..
Infinite patience..
Faith without question..
Fearless courage..
Unconditional love.
Why can’t I just have those things? Why do I have to have doubts and fears and misgivings and impatience? Ah, damn me.. but then again.. Isn’t it supposed to be like that? For normal people..i would be utterly stupid.
...
...
“Kilala ko siya. Hindi yan magpapakita. Kaya wag ka na umasa.”
That one was nothing less than an arrow to the ribs. My world was crashing and I felt like falling off the terrace railings. I’d rather die than get fucked over again..i had too much of that already.. just too much..
But I realized that I didn’t really hope for myself..
I hoped for him.
The “showing up” wasn’t really for me..it was for him too. If I was left high and dry, it would only mean that he’s still hiding and stuck in that rut that deprives him of the happiness he deserves.
It takes time, though. I got time. We all got time. Who’s in a hurry? Not me. I’m willing to wait. Wait can be good.. But when I see that I’m just not the one for you, I’ll stop plaguing you and help you find that person who is.
I’m just taking this chance that I AM the one.
What a risk..what a price..
But I choose to take it. Choose to pay it.
Mahal ko, eh.
...
I guess I’ve been playing Kathryn for too long..
Ayoko na.
It’s all been a joke, twisted and cruel and sickening. I decided I’d rather die broken-hearted than empty.
I took the biggest risk, and bared my soul.
I dreaded the cab that would most probably run me over..but if it had to come to that in order to prove my love, then I’ll stand fast.
Nothing would make me happier than pointing down to that certain person beside my limp body in the ambulance and say:
“Father God! Father God! Minahal ko yun, o! Buong puso’t kaluluwa po! Masakit at mahirap po, kasi napaka-complicated..pero masaya ako kasi minahal ko pa rin.. Gusto ko rin po siya makita’ng masaya.. Sana po mahanap na niya ang tunay na para sa kanya, at ipaglaban siya.. Para makuha na niya ang kanyang happily ever after!”
No wait..
One thing WOULD make me happier..
...
“Father God, bakit Mo ako pinapa-balik?! Dito na ako, diba? Gusto ko mag-watch over sa mga mahal ko..”
“Nagmamaka-awa kasi yung mahal mo eh..ibalik daw kita..”
“Huh? Bakit daw??”
“Eh ikaw na daw kasi yung happily ever after niya.”
*smiles gently*
Wishful thinking?
Maybe.
But I guess.. that when you’re loving truly, honestly, and unconditionally, there’s really nothing to be afraid of.
Friday, April 22
Apr. 22 Fri.
“Your smile is gently freezing,
snow throws it away..
you’re the laughter in my silence,
the crow that keeps me awake.
Green towel less soft spoken,
Thoughts you never knew;
The lies and empty promises –
I gave them all to you.
...
How does it feel?
How is it that I can’t feel?
Coz I, I need to know..
...
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
And I, I think it’s shiny and blue,
Like a dance that’s see-through..
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
Now everything is silent,
Everything is still without you near.
...
Everything about you -
The world was something new..
And I was there at the open,
Well just to be with you..
But everytime I see the shelter,
Everytime I walk away..
You’re the laughter in my silence,
The cold that feeds my day.
...
How does it feel?
How is it that I can’t feel?
Coz I, I need to know..
...
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
And I, I think it’s shiny and blue –
Like a dance that’s see-through..
Coz I, I know I can never be enough
To replace your whatever..
Now everything is silent,
And everything is still without you near.
...
And everytime I see you passing by,
I just stand here waiting for you..
And I will talk to myself,
What a lazy Sunday afternoon..
And I’ll still say that prayer for you.
I’ll be your everything, count on me..
I’ll try to be so perfect, you’ll see..
But nothing can compare to you –
Whatever lies out there.” –Neon
...
him: “Paano kung hindi ako para sa’yo?”
me: “meaning what?”
him: “..that I’m not good enough for you..”
me: “what if you ARE?”
him: “nagpapatawa ka ba?”
me: “no..”
him: *hugs* “sana hindi na kita masaktan..”
me: “okay lang..mahal naman kita eh..”
him: “I’m telling you..don’t.”
me: “don’t what?”
him: “don’t love me.”
me: “why the hell not??”
him: “..because I don’t deserve it.”
me: “everyone deserves to be loved..”
him: “except me.”
No. ESPECIALLY YOU.
...
Thursday, April 21
Apr. 21 Thurs.
“I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
my weakness is that I care too much..
My scars remind me that the past is real –
I tear my heart open just to feel..
...
I tried to help you once,
Against my own advice..
I saw you going down,
But you never realized:
That you’re drowning in the water,
So I offered you my hand..
Compassion’s in my nature,
Tonight is our last stand.
...
Coz you’re drowning in the water,
And I tried to grab your hand..
I left my heart open,
But you didn’t understand..
You didn’t understand..” –Scars
...
How do you make your dreams come true?
Wake up.
...
Monday, April 18
Apr. 18 Mon. Some fields you might consider going
“I’m watching me make a fool of myself,
Silently speaking my wish to be free..
Turning my world inside out,
Spin my emotions, building my doubt..
...
I fed on this strangeness plain and true,
But there was nothing beneath it, I knew..
I see myself falling from grace –
My love fading without a trace..
...
I’m tired of waiting here for you,
Can’t waste my time, I’m leaving you
I’m tired of waiting here, waiting here –
For you, you, you, you..” –Leaving You
...
Hindi ako selosa.
Hindi talaga, eh. Love is never jelous.
Pero, poga! Iba na ‘to!
...
Stupid war..
I hate this war!
Actually, I hate the fact that the people fighting it are losing their valuable quality time that they should be spending with the people who they love..and most importantly, who love THEM!
I’m sure im not the only one going through this – sa karami-raming tao na “lumalaban” sa gera’ng to, siguradong marami din na nagseselos kasi yung mga minamahal nila mas binibigyang pansin at oras at damdamin ang mga kaaway – take note, ha? KAAWAY – nila imbis na yung mga minamahal at nagmamahal sa kanila..
Its so damn..pathetic! No offense to those who are fighting here, I know you do it for a cause – proving to the world the injustice and deceit that creature has caused – but please..take time to stop? Please?
You’ve said what you want to say. Please stop. Wala na magagawa ang pag-iinsulto. Furthermore, I don’t want you guys stooping down to her level..don’t you see? This is what she wants! She craves attention, feeds on it..and you’re giving it to her! It doesn’t matter if its negative or positive, ang habol nya ay makilala..mapansin..
Akala ko ba kaaway siya? Eh bakit nyo binibigay sa kanya yung gusto niya?
Okay, fine..masaya mang-insulto. Ako, nasisiyahan din ako – lalo na pag walanyang putang gala’t ragis ang iniinsulto ko. Pero..tao din yan. Kung ano ma’ng kabulastugan ang ginawa niya, hayaan nyo na lang kaya? She’ll get her share in the afterlife – a punishment much worse than what you can do. It’s all a matter of time, ne?
...
Over acting nanaman ba ako?
Siguro nga.
Eh kayo rin naman eh!
Tingnan nyo nga sarili nyo? Sige, tingnan nyo.
Oo nga’t sinaktan niya kayo’ng lahat. Sa sari-saring paraan. Masakit. Malupit. Masunog nawa siya sa lupalop ng impyerno’t gahasain ni satanas.
Oo nga gusto nyo gumanti. Kung hindi man ganti, gusto nyo sirain buhay nya. O kaya ibulgar lang sa mundo ang kasamaan at baho niya para di na siya lapitan ng mga “kaibigan” niya.
Giving a few public messages should have done the trick, pero hindi eh..binaha niyo! Fine, nakakatuwa na makita’ng parang wala siya’ng magawa kasi pinagtutulungan niyo siya at ang galing galing nyo.
Pero sumobra kayo. Hindi ako kampi sa kanya, okay? Pero grabe. Sobra na yun.
Ano’ng definition ko ng sobra?
I analyze people. And I say that she’s just narcissistic and suffering from delusions of grandeur. She has an ego the size of Texas, and what you’re doing is feeding her ego.
Insulting her to this extent is too much, coz to any person who didn’t know better, it would seem like she’s the victim. Or worse..that she’s a goddess who single-handedly ruined so many peoples’ lives, and now they’re finally crawling out of the shadows and ganging up on her – regardless of the fact that she’s “skinny” and “wannabe goth” and “practically shapeless”.
You’re complimenting her! Cant you see?!
Its...disgusting!
It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it..you’re actually giving her time of day?? Why the fuck?!
...
Okay fine.
Maybe I don’t know any better. Maybe I am just an ignorant person who doesn’t know the whole story.
But I know one thing..
I fuckin miss my plushie.
...
...
To all those fighting this war, I beg of you.
Please..try to take time and look at just what you’re doing..
I’ll bet..you’re all losing sleep..can’t seem to get those insults and fresh ideas of how to get back at your “enemies” out of your heads and mouths..your eyes and fingers are strained from searching the net, reading and typing even more retaliations..nauubos na mga internet cards nyo..sumasakit na mga likod at leeg nyo sa kaka-upo sa harap ng PC..
And worst of all..
You don’t get to spend time with or even listen to your loved ones.
I can tell you one thing. They’re damn scared. Scared that they’re gonna lose you to some half-blood whore who fucked you over in the past..
Is fighting this war and getting sweet momentary revenge worth losing the people who love you now?
...
Sure, she’s wrecking everybody’s lives..and she probably won’t stop.
But why don’t you strenthen the bonds and relationships you have with the people you really love and trust – the real ones who won’t leave your side no matter what?
That way, no matter what she does or says, you’ll stay strong together. And nothing can wreck that. Maybe you’ll lose some people, but you would have gained your few, yet true friends.
Okay. Maybe I’m getting all cheesy and pathetic here..but its friggin true!
And besides. Keep this in mind. As my kuya always says..
Its not how many you know. Its WHO you know.
...
...
*grumbles*
I really hate this war..and since everybody seems to still be asleep at 9am [most probably from scheming all night], I’m gonna do what I do best when I’m bored and neglected.
Do them quizzes. Oh yeah.
You are Ayame!
Which Fruits Basket Sohma are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh my dear Lord have mercy on my androgynous soul..
You represent... angst.
You have an extremely cynical outlook on just about
everything. It's okay to sulk and be
depressed, but life is short, and you only get
one. It's only what you make it, and only you
can make it improve.
What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla
Oh well..another one. Need I say I’m pissed right now?
the sad teen. Everything in life is f*ckin'
miserable. You constantly look over your
shoulder and wonder who is judging you...even
when you are alone. So naturally, you have
become a little paranoid and pessamistic. Your
personality can be one demensional but
confusing. You are constantly bored with life
and wish that something could spice it up. You
have a unique view on life and have identified
the problems with school society (Ex...what
makes popular people, how the student mind
works...) You would rather be alone because you
hate being hurt. You tend to think that no one
understands you, not even your parents /
guardians / friends. But that is just the
opposite! The people who love you want to
help, but they don't know how because they have
a feeling that they will say something wrong
and turn you away. You have to let them know
that you are willing to hear what they have to
say...and it might do some good to listen to
them.
in when you are older...Judge, author,
songwriter, producer, therapist, psychologist,
philosopher, or forensic scientist. You need a
job where you can express yourself and your
views on life. Or you need a field where you
can judge others and predict what is going on
in others life. Either way... you have the
personality to get you a good job that will
support you throughout life.
What type of teenager are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
*sigh*..how true. I like the pic, though.
In your eyes, people can't seem to see anything
because your eyes are covered up by tears! You
are constantly hurt and depressed... No one
seems to understand how you feel because
everyone is scared to get close to you... You
long to be able to reach out and tell someone
everything, and all of your problems... But you
have no one to tell, or they just don't seem to
want to hear what you have to say. You've been
hurt many times that you don't seem to have any
tears left to shed, or if you do, they're an
endless river flowing... You've started to hide
and bottle up all or your problems and
feelings, hoping that maybe they just will go
away... You want company, but at the same time,
you're scared of it. Your sanctuary is your
room where you can just be alone and try to
throw away all of your aching pains. You're
dark and mysterious and people like you for
that reason. Even if you think you're all by
yourself in the dark, someone is always there
with you. Your special someone wants to admit
and show their feelings towards you, but
they're afraid of how you'll take it. Get out
more and enjoy life because, it is far too long
to frown your way through :)
What Lies Behind Your Eyes? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
*flicks a smile* and I thought quizzes weren’t accurate..
Your inner soul is calling for help! You always
seem so depressed, lonely, and feel like an
outsider. You may have a cold, sad exterior,
but in all reality you are hurt inside and
bottling up all of your anger. Everyday you
wonder why are you still here when there is
nothing left? You use to once be a happy,
loving soul, but it was damaged by 'them' and
seems like it never can be fixed again.
However, you have yet seemed to realize that
there are people out there that deeply care for
you. They secretly have a thing for you because
they find you to be dark, mysterious, and full
of secrets, not to mention being the prettiest
person in the world! You like to enjoy your
time by yourself expressing your feelings
through forms of art, and enjoy nice quiet
scenaries that just dazzle your mind with awe.
Your bedroom is basically your sanctuary where
you can hide out, hidden from those who gave
you all of the pain. Try to loosen up and have
some fun! Never start frowning because you
never know who's falling in love with your
smile :)
What Is Your Inner Soul Trying To Say? (With Pics, See All Results!)
brought to you by Quizilla
I used to think chobits was all saccharine cute and shit, but damn..*evil grin* 
The Goddess of Ice and Hope. You are a creative
wonder. Always calm and collected, you hold the
awe of many people and you are exceptionally
logical. You are an inspirational beauty.
Which gorgeous goddess are you? For girls! (breath taking pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla
the goddess of ice and hope, huh? Couldn’t have put it better myself.
Your Seduction Style: The Dandy
You're a non-traditionalist, not limited by gender roles or expectations.
Your sexuality is more fluid than that - and you defy labels or categories.
It's hard to pin you down, and that's what's fascinating about you.
You have the psychology of both a male and a female, and you can relate to anyone.
*rofl* you be the judge. *wink*
Your Brain is 33.33% Female, 66.67% Male
You have a total boy brain
Logical and detailed, you tend to look at the facts
And while your emotions do sway you sometimes...
You never like to get feelings too involved
ooooookay, so this pretty much explains it all. :p
Created by Crimsontear and taken 10234 times on bzoink! | |
| Personal Information | |
| First Name// | celine |
| Age// | 16 [sometimes older, sometimes younger...] |
| Gender// | erm....somewhere between a newter and a bi... |
| Nickname(s)// | cel, len, len-len, celes, icequeen, shallowcuts, marquise de sadde, celda, tangkad, tangky, sis, plushie |
| Hair Color// | black [minsan blue-black, ewan kung bakit..] |
| Hair Style// | wala. [its just hair. it grows outta your head. gravity pulls it down.] |
| Eye Color// | dark brown [wish ko lang silver grey....haaay!] |
| What is your favorite | |
| Color// | black [or red, if you want to get technical..] |
| Game// | hmm...the Watch Celine Crash and Burn game. [its available in playstation1&2, Xbox, PC, and even true-to-life!] |
| Song// | ....iris. |
| Music Video// | hmm...ah! the 2nd version of Dare You to Move by switchfoot [sobrang astig...its about this guy who 'dies' then 'lives again' in different parts of his life..] |
| Animal// | erm..the mimic octopus [one of the wierdest, wackiest most peculiar creetyurs ob GAAD...] |
| Sport// | archery. [but i quit coz i suck working with a TEAM..] |
| Country// | never been to one..but i guess it would most probably be greece..or italy.. |
| Movie// | the ten commandments! |
| Food// | pizza....penne al brandy... [drool...] |
| Friends | |
| Best// | none.. |
| Funniest// | all of em. [:P] |
| Coolest// | hmm....ate sop. |
| Sweetest// | im not sure..probably beija and ate sop. they smell like strawberries. :P |
| Kindest// | *smiles* basta...marami yan.. |
| Annoyingest// | is there such a word..? anyway...si rosalyn!! |
| Dullest// | che! wala! |
| Stupidest// | wala....ah, me. |
| Most Intelligent// | all of em.. |
| Athletic// | ate sop. :P |
| Relationships | |
| Boy(Girl)friend// | none.. |
| Are you in love right now// | .....yes... [hopefully not with a dream or a lie..not again..] |
| Do you have a crush// | nope |
| Do you have a stalker// | erm...3. [dont ask..] |
| Do you miss someone right now// | yeah. like HELL. |
| What do you do | |
| At school// | daydream |
| At home// | daydream and eat |
| Outside// | try not to spin around in the rain |
| When you first wake up// | *twitch* basta.. [hides] |
| What _____do you hate | |
| Food// | liver. [cant stand the sandy texture..urgh..] |
| Color// | hot pink. [nakakasunog ng mata..] |
| Hair color// | *shrugs* i dunno...rainbow? |
| Tv show// | american idol [its pathetic, really.] |
| Clothing style// | clashing, nagfee-feeling style [ang sarap bigyan ng pera.."o heto..bumili ka ng damit pang-tao] |
| Movie// | erm..vanilla sky..? [it made my soul ache..] |
| Emotions Right Now | |
| Are You Happy Right Now// | not...really... [coz my love isnt happy...] |
| Sad// | yes.. [Fate just won't get off our case..and i feel so..lied to..so pathetic...] |
| Grumpy// | a bit.. |
| Annoyed// | yeah. [at myself for being so stupid..for loving too much..for trusting too much...] |
| Angry// | yes. at this....thing in the mirror.. [i want to kill her...] |
| Sick// | yeah. sick. want to throw up.. |
| Lonely// | very. [i doubt i'll ever rise from this for good..] |
| Bored// | not really. i just want to sleep....sleep...... |
| Have you ever | |
| Made your own religion// | yeah. ["purihin ang mga bassista sa mundo!!"] |
| Written backwards// | sometimes.. |
| Written your own magazine// | sa english project..its called EYRE times [Every Young Reader's Entertainment. oh devah?? chenes!] |
| Drawn art// | all the time.. |
| Got angry with a game// | haha, yeah..got real ugly. [harry potter playstation 1, sa gringotts bank...ang sarap..graarghhh!!] |
| Played Lacrosse// | nope. |
| Broken a bone// | erm..i dont think so.. |
| Dyed your hair// | nope. |
| Put in contacts for no reason// | haha, no way.. |
| Swam alone// | yeah... [felt so good and so damn scary at the same time..] |
| Things that come to mind when you read... | |
| Intelligentence// | er..fluffy pink bunnies hopping around on a cartesian plane.. |
| Stupidity// | crickets...a wet fuse |
| Depress// | punch |
| Blood// | *twitch* the face of Mina Harker when she was licking her lips oh so sensuously after she bit the guy's neck in LXG movie.. [*swoon*] |
| Blue// | sapphire.. |
| Gray// | Draco malfoy's eyes |
| Sword// | ruroini kenshin. |
| Golf// | dad. |
| Soccer// | a black-studded ball..? |
| Yellow// | les' chike. [*laughs*] and the chicks i killed at zamboanga for fun back when i was 7.. |
| Socks// | golden toe |
| Ribbon// | snow white choking to death |
| Random Questions | |
| Play Sports, if so, what ones// | archery |
| Have a lot of friends// | yeah |
| Write good// | i hope so.. |
| Eat a lot// | starting to.. |
| Like the day Friday// | oh yeah.. |
| Like the month December// | its..okay.. |
| Do you(or are you) | |
| (DY)Give good advice// | so they say.. [doctora lavv is in the house!] |
| (DY)Talk crap// | constantly. |
| (DY)Play a lot of games// | yeah..i even make up games in my head. |
| (DY)Wear hats// | nope |
| (DY)Like to be outside// | not really...only to be alone. |
| (AY) Always mad// | nope |
| (AY) Always happy// | hell nope |
| (AY) A good friend// | ...i hope.. |
| This or that (Last questions) | |
| Night or day// | night |
| Snow or Rain// | *twitch* gyah!!! BOTH!! |
| Stars or the Moon// | the dark night sky. |
| Ocean or Pool// | ocean |
| Boat or Plane// | boat |
| Books or Magazines// | books |
| Yu-Gi-Oh Cards or Pokemon Cards// | neither. |
| Blonde or Black Hair// | black |
| Green or Blue Eyes// | green |
| Pants or Shorts// | pants |
| Pop or Rock// | rock |
| Punk or Emo// | emo |
| Tatoos or Piercings// | tatoos.. |
| Necklace or Ring// | erm..depends. |
| Clouds or No Clouds// | clouds.. |
| Art or Literature// | *twitch* daya!! BOTH! |
| Jeans or Baggy Pants// | jeans |
| Singing or Dancing// | singing.. |
| March or May// | march.. |
| Halloween or Christmas// | Christmas i guess.. |
| Coke or Pepsi// | Coke. |
| Hug or Kiss// | ...*blush* |
Saturday, April 16
Apr. 16 Sat.
“You got wires, going in
You got wires, coming out of your skin..
There’s dry blood, on your wrist –
Your dry blood, on my fingertip..
...
Running down corridors through,
Automatic doors
Got to get to you..
Got to see this through..” –Wires
...
I take things too seriously. I know that.
I take people seriously. Especially the ones I love the most.
“Pag hindi ako nag-text ng 11am, magdasal ka na!”
Can you blame me if I carved myself on my cabinet door with my fingernails when you wouldn’t answer your phone?
Yes you can.
I over reacted.
Stupid of me?
Oh yes.
...
What to do?
But a dram of poison and drink up the whole mess? Nah..
Sleep is more like it.
My whole being longed for sleep. I let the Child’s final whim close my eyes and drown my mind in Morpheus’ whispers.
If it wasn’t for dad’s shouting and shaking me awake, I would have slipped into a coma.
Again.
...
The futile attempt of standing up straight in church, with that sacristan glancing at me every other minute, sleepy despair weighing down my limbs and eyelids, the priest hitting home with his homily, and the nagging feeling that I was going to get a casual message confirming my stupidity as soon as I step into the car.
*twitch*
Well..my wish and prayer came true..
He was okay.
Now let me crawl into my little rut and die.
...
Over reacting.
Over acting.
Stupid.
Pathetic.
Dimwit.
Worrywart.
Insignificant.
Sleepyhead.
Blip.
Rebound.
Fallback.
..just a few words that kept repeating in my head as I gave in to my infernal slumber.
Listen to my background music. It pretty much explains it all.
...
Friday, April 15
Apr. 15 Fri.
“Two words. ONLINE and RELATIONSHIP. Tapos.” –twinstar
...
I was hoping this would be a night of escape..
Turned out to be a night of drowning.
Why am I always an issue when it comes to bull sessions?
Why am I always different?
“Celine..why him?”
As I sat there, their ever so simple question ringing in my alcohol-slurred mind, I stared at Maika and papa Joe cuddling and whacking each other in the corner listening to their underground songs on an iPod..
And I wondered..
Bakit hindi ako katulad na lang nila?
...
I admit. Ang bano ko.
Isang weng-weng at bote ng redhorse?
Putang gala...
Weak, dammit. But it did the job.
Why is it so damn easier to spill your guts out when you’re drunk and can hardly hear your own slurred voice?
Why is it harder to cry?
Or maybe I just didn’t notice the tears silently trickling down my cheeks as I stared blankly into Orion’s belt, and muttering my litany of “I want”s...
Why..do I always end my litany with that last, tiny, off-tangent request of mine..
“But what I really want?
I want him to..be happy..whoever he really is..
Yeah..have a happy life..
For him to find that special someone who’ll make him happy and cast off his mask once and for all..
For him to fight for the one he loves, and spend the rest of his life with that person..
I want him to never give up on himself, on life, love, on God, and on others..
I want him to be the best that he can be.. make a good difference in this world..
Dammit..i want to be there when he holds her hand on his wedding day..yeah..”
I was pathetic. Such a dreamer. Being drunk was a lame excuse.
I think I did get to laugh at some point..
It was when they all fell silent, let me make my ‘mistake’, twinstar leaning over and kissing the corner of my mouth with a faint:
“Twinstar..you have got to be the most selfless little lover I have ever met.”
...
...
There were some points during that night..that will leave permanent marks on my memory for the rest of my life, I think.
Dressing up to my heart’s extent, only to have kuya force me to wear a thick, heavy, brown crocheted poncho saying I look good and romantic in it..
..then facing the mirror, disgusted by the look and feel of it, and disgusted even further with kuya’s remark that it used to be my mom’s, and it’s supposed to look good on me coz it looked good on her too..
Actually getting my hopes up and being giddy all day – even smiling and fixing myself up in a blue outfit and borrowed nica’s blue earrings that weighed a ton..
..then losing it all to a bachelor’s party, and another insufferable IOU from that jerk named Next Time and his faithful sidekick I Promise..
Wrapping my arm around the wobbling form of a much more drunk Anne, pointing out cute guys and telling her that any one of those could be her prince charming, and hearing our slurred laughter drown in the buzz of the crowd..
..Then me turning my head and seeing those cute guys’ girlfriends wrap their arms around them and the guys kiss their foreheads..
Singing that song for all I was worth, jumping up and down and waving my hands like a true boyband singer, screaming into the microphone with Anne right beside me doing the exact same thing..
..then losing my voice to a much louder chorus of broken-hearted, suicidal, sado-masochistic people, proving that I sure as hell ain’t the worst case scenario in the world when it came to love..
...
The nagging feeling that this is a test.
Or that I have to go through one..
And the gnawing feeling that if this was just a test, it would have proved of how little I really mean to someone.
Remember, Child..love is patient..
Period.
...
Friday, April 8
Apr. 8 Fri.
“Alagaan mo siya, ha? Winawalanghiya nanaman nya buhay nya eh..gusto ko kayo ang magkatuluyan!”
...
I got my card, dropped my jaw at my tragic geometry grade of 84 [needless to say, I failed that quarterly test. Thanks to the preschool who kept singing barney songs the whole friggin time!!]
Well, at least my average was high.
Kuya and I roaming around the campus and carefully filling in a blank check, only to realize we spelled FORTY as FOURTY.
Beija walking around looking for death himself – or should I say HERself..only to prod me in the arm every half hour. *grins*
Coming home to a big white box wafting with humid heat and the smell of stale food, only to slump down in my bed to a celphone with utterly no messages.
Worry.
Sick with worry.
Go online, get a question instead of a decent answer..only to realize my worrying was not in vain.
Damn it. Damn me. Damn these blasted masks we wear.
...
The urge to take action. Cast aside the pride and shame, this is the love of my life, we’re talking about!
Rolled up my sleeve and tested the waters.
“I’m okay, really! I’ve just been asleep..don’t worry, of course I’ve been eating! C’mon..di ko na dadagdagan problema mo..”
An odd blend of emotions washing over me, frying my skin..anger, rage, frustration, love, and care..
And a faint smile creeping across my lips..
Damn..he’s good at this.. I would have said and done the exact same thing..
...
Let the other out..grabbing an imaginary collar and clenching my hand into a fist.
“I may be stupid, but I sure as hell ain’t dumb!”
The thought of someone hugging me tight and crying on my shoulder..melting my heart.
And the fact that the reason was fear of hurting me – broke my heart.
Why did we have to have so much in common?
Why did we both have to lead the same lives? Running and hiding and blindly slashing at anybody who comes to close..
Why can’t I seem to break his shell, when I’ve broken out of my own just to reach out to him and touch his half clown mask?
Why do I feel like I’m not the one, even if he tells me otherwise countless times?
Why do I patiently sit beside a kiddie tunnel, waiting for him to come out?
Why do I feel like I can make a difference? Grab him by the waist, hold his tiny hands in mine, gently pry him from the barbed wire fence, wipe the blood off his eyes, help him take off that blasted mask..make him smile?
Maybe im a dreamer too. Living in my own parallel world that I have created just to escape the clutches of Reality..
Maybe I can’t help him fly again..
But agreeing that we should share the hurts and pains is a start.
...
Thursday, April 7
Apr. 7 Thurs.
“I love him..and I am not ashamed..
I only have a corner bench to be with him every night..
But that corner is mine..
Its my life..” –Les Miserables
...
Yeah, I heard.
I heard the sickening wet sound of Fate’s tongue licking the side of my face.
I twitched, but refused to cringe. Not again. Not ever.
...
I looked him in the eye and said: “Oo, mahal ko siya.”
Its true.
Your secrets shall be heard from the rooftops. He said so himself, so many years ago.
Well, let it be heard. I am not ashamed. I’ll fight for the one I love with all I’m worth.
And I did..
And the cruel winds fought back.
...
He was shouting..
I was almost trembling to my very core. I felt my skin sizzle, as the child in me scratched frantically around the rough inner walls of Sadako’s fathomless well.
Desperate for salvation..anything..anything..
Nothing.
Only more despair.
...
I stared at the space beside him.
I couldn’t bear to look at his face, his eyes, his mouth..as his endless words flowed out like a mesh of sticky webs, fusing into a single thick cord that wound around my neck and broke my ribs.
I was trapped. Once again the the all-too-familiar rut that I seem to always fall into every single time I finally get to close my fingers around something I truly want..
Too familiar..
The cycle of my curse.
But I stood up and chose to break it with my own hands.
...
...
I was too young..to love? Is that it?
It’s not love because we’ve never laid eyes on each other?
I’ts just infatuation even if I loved him for a year and a half?
It’ll destroy my future? Me, being in love?
He’s just fooling around, all because I don’t see his face when he says he loves me?
Will everybody just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN TO ME? FOR ONCE??
...
Yeah. Listen to me.
You’re not listening to me.
You never do. Never did. All of you.
Haha. My own flesh and blood have an immunity to my voice.
You know why I never talked when I was younger?
Because I never saw the point. Why talk when nobody listens? Nobody tries to truly listen..
They drawl and chatter, without even really saying anything..and expect me to listen to that empty mass of words? No thank you. I’d rather talk to the plants. And the moon. And the ocean. And the wind..
What I hate more is when I finally muster just enough courage and voice projection to say: “Listen to me!”, you stop talking, say an exasperated “fine, then! talk!”..but I hardly finished my sentence, when you cut in and flood the air with your own mindless chatter..again.
You heard me, yes. But you didn’t take time to truly listen.
This is why I never talked. Napanis laway ko, pero wala akong paki-elam. Walang kwenta magsalita kung di ka naman susubukang intindihin o bigyang importansiya.
I’d rather let my saliva rot in my mouth rather than waste it on pointless hopeless talk to deaf ears and narrow minds.
But you know what I hate the most?
Is when I sit in a corner – silent, exhausted, and broken – and the lot of you look around, see me hiding, grab my arm, shake me, and demand why I’m so silent.
So damn funny..ain’t it?
...
...
I love him..
I know it’s quite stupid to do so..to feel the way I do now..
If it was anybody else, they would have given up the moment he said those first five words that would smash any princess’ dream.
But I didn’t give up. I tried my damn best to keep loving and caring for him, despite the lies, the controversies, the endless rumors, the complications, and the masks.
I have so much at risk here..and so little at the same time.
But I’m taking that chance. I took it..and I stay true to my word..
No matter what happens..
I only wanted him to be happy. I know he’s done a lot of bad things in the past – worse than most people have done..but I also know that there is good in him..and that good is precious to me..to God, even..
It breaks my heart to have even just the slightest idea of his past hurts and pains..especially at the fact that we have almost the exact same scars..
I choose to see the good in him. And that’s what keeps me here..
He even called me delirious..and I agree! Maybe I am..but I believe..for once, I surrendered my everything to that small flicker of hope and faith..
Yes, maybe in time, some things will happen that will cause us to clash or drift..but I hold on the the hope that if it is true love, then we’d overcome anything and everything..
Even Time.
...
I’m willing to wait.
If it has to be till my graduation, then so be it. The wait is nice too..
So long as I still have him in my heart. And he has me in his.
But even if it doesn’t work out, even if we’re not each other’s soumates..i’d still love him. And still pray and hope for the best for him.
He deserves it, you know. To be happy..saved..loved..
Call me stupid. I am. But by God, I believe in this. And I’m gonna fight for it. For us.
...
Am I going over reacting?
Maybe.
But cant I keep this? Just this? Cant I keep it all to myself..? please?
Please don’t wrench my hand open all over again, and brush my treasures away..
Please..
...
He shouted at me to use my head.
“Mas matalino ka pa nga kaysa kay daddy eh! Hindi ka ganito, Celine! Kilala kita! Matalino ka! Use your head! Fuck, wag mo sayangin sa kanya!”
Maybe I am smart. Smarter than the average 16-year old. Maybe even smarter than my own dad.
But I have to disagree with you when you said you knew me.
Because don’t you know..?
That for once..for ONCE!
I wanted to use my heart..and not my head.
...
...
We ended in tears.
And with an agreement. Based on “love is patient”.
It could have been worse.
He could have told on dad.
I thanked God he didn’t.
Kuyas may be harsh, but they only look out for you.
Now I have everyone in the household watching me closely, in case I do “anything stupid”..
Ha. Yeah right.
Y’know..you guys don’t have to worry.
I wont do anything “stupid”.
Why?
Coz how in the world will I get to finally be allowed to go out with him if I’m dead?
That’s right.
I’m hanging on for us.
...
...
Go ahead, Fate.
Lick my face, kiss me, ravage me all you want.
I don’t love you.
I love my friends.
I love my plushie.
And I can’t wait to show you. All of you.
“I’m so damn psyched to prove them wrong!”
haha..say it like it is, plushie.
God please..hug us on this one..
*smiles*
...
...
a note to my family:
I’ve been screaming in anguish for 8 years.
But now that I’ve been silenced by a kiss –
That’s when you put your fingers in your ears and tell me to shut the hell up.
Tuesday, April 5
Apr. 5 Tues.
"..me too." –me
...
Who would have known that a phone promo could buy me a ticket to heaven?
The voice, the laughter, even the shouts..
I could have given anything to keep those moments, y'know?
...
I wished the seconds wouldn’t stretch to minutes and to hours..there is no time in heaven, right?
I didn’t care if my ears were starting to ache, or my back was creaking for sitting on that confounded iron chair the whole day..
I was happy.
Truly happy..just listening to that voice.
...
Ang babaw ko talaga. Pero ‘tangna, totoo ‘to. Ang sarap makinig, for once. Ang sarap din dumakdak, at marining ang kakaibang tawa na ‘yun pagtapos.
In that little corner of the room, I had the world in my grasp. And I hardly cared about any other thing except the one on the other end of the network of twisted wires.
Nica was right.
...
me: “kanta ka naman, o..kanina pa ko nagsasalita dito..”
him: “no way!”
me: “ang arte mo naman! I wont kill you, y’know.”
him: “yeah but..nahihiya ako sayo eh..”
me: *laughs* “ushu..ikaw? mahiya sa girl? That’s impossible.”
him: “ehh..natotorpe ako sayo..i don’t know why..”
me: “Ha! Oh well, I wont force you..but you owe me a song!”
him: “ANG DAYA!!”
me: “ano’ng madaya?! Patas lang yun!!”
him: “sabihin mo sa’king kung naruto na..”
me: *flicks on the TV* “o, naruto na! Opening song!”
him: *groans* “tinatamad ako i-on yung TV eh..i-kwento mo nalang sakin..please?”
me: O_o “ang batugan mo naman!”
him: “eh..i want to hear your voice din eh..”
me: *laughs* “Fayn! Sige, ayan..opening song..blah blah blah..”
him: “dapat kantahin mo!”
me: “gago! Di ko alam ‘tong song na to! Basta there’s this masked dude running around with shuriken..then this pink-haired girl, then naruto..then the pink-haired girl again..then the sasuke person..then the other ninja thingies..then naruto! Then..hey..are they gonna kiss?!”
him: *laughs* “nah..”
me: “good!”
me: “kanta ka na..”
him: “sasabayan ko na lang eto’ng si gackt..hahaha! sana di ako pumiyok!”
me: “di yan! Sige lang..”
him: *sings along to some Japanese song with extremely high fluctuating notes* “waaaahhh!!”
(pause)
me: *shakes head* “argh! Sa lahat ba naman ng kanta’ng ikakanta mo sa’kin, yun pa’ng di ko maintindihan ang lyrics!!”
him: *laughs*
(odd clicking noise)
me: “what’s that? You typing something?”
him: “ah..this?”
(more clicks)
him: “that’s me putting my finger on the receiver. Haha!”
me: “ah ganun ba..but why?”
him: *in odd broken tones* “wa-la la-ng, I- th-k i-s dr-mat-c”
me: “dramatic ba na di kita marinig?! Sira!” *laughs*
(silence)
him: “haha!”
me: *raises eyebrow* “Hey..what did you just say?”
him: “nothing..haha..”
me: “yes you did! Daya! Get your finger outta that receiver and tell me straight!”
him: *laughs* “wala naman eh..kumain ka na nga lang..gutom lang yan..”
me: “hmph!”
(as the conversation ensues..)
me: “ouch..”
him: “hey, what’s wrong? You hurt?”
me: “im..” *clutches my stomach* *blink* “that’s weird..”
him: “what is? Hey, you okay?”
me: “im.. hungry..that’s never happened before..”
him: “so nagugutom ka pag kausap mo ako? Aba! May silbi na pala ako sa mundo! Sige, kumain ka na!”
me: “its weird! I get hungry when I talk to you..”
...
sometimes, there would be long pauses and silences..
not awkward, though..peaceful. I liked it..so did he.
But in the silence, much could be heard. I know that now. And ahem. You should too.
It pays to listen. Listen close. *smiles*
...
Silence..like a rose blooming out from the tufts of sun-warmed snow..
Then a blink.
I reached out and frantically turned off the TV beside me..put my finger in my other ear, and closed my eyes..
Feather-soft and fragile..
“..all I wanna do...is grow old with you..”
You thought I didn’t hear you..
But I did.
And I smiled and whispered back:
“..me too..”
...