Monday, June 28
Jun. 28 Mon.
"Sorry I never told you
all I wanted to say...
Now it's too late to hold you
Coz you've flown away,
So far away..." -One Sweet Day, Boys II Men
I'm intrigued...
This brand new emotion I'm feeling...is it pain? Is it healing? Is it bad? Is it good? Dammit, I WANNA KNOW WHAT IT IS! I tried to write it down...
...
*What Is It?*
by: cursedchild
It hurts so much...
It SHOULD, I know.
But its funny...
Curious, really.
...
I don't feel a thing.
...
I'm full of something,
I can sense it.
But I don't know what it is...
Not anymore...
...
Maybe its sadness...
Or anger - hatred, even...
It's strong, I'll give you that.
But I still don't know what it is.
...
It's quite weird.
Like...all my supressed emotions merged together in a thick, murky, fermenting glob.
It's inside me,
Right underneath my skin...
I can feel its sickeningly warm breath
Pounding through my veins.
...
Argh, but I still don't know what it is!
I wanted to know -
Because it was hurting me on a new level.
It's right beneath my skin, dammit!
...
And so I smiled...
And sliced open my wrist.
...
Now I knew what it was...
But sadly...
Nobody else would ever know.
...
I'm not hurting anymore. It doesn't hurt as much when I think of her, and what could have been if. It feels so damn weird. My hands were itching to inflict pain on myself just to feel NORMAL again.
*Did my prayer to St. Jude actually pay off?*
Now, everytime I think of her, her savior, and more of those 'what if's... I just shrug, and think:
"Eh, wala na akong magagawa pa dun, eh. Basta masaya nanaman siya, diba? Masaya na sila sa isa't-isa. O, di mabuti. Bakit pa ako eepal at magpapa-epek?"
...
I'm just sorry.
Sorry that I didn't get to do, say, think, and feel a helluva lot of stuff for her when I had the chance.
Sorry I never got to tell her...
Just how downright *beautiful* she is.
Inside and out.
...
My words mean nothing. Nothing at all. She'd just clutch them in her hands, then let them slip through her warm fingers, like the sands of time...to be taken by the winds, lost forever in her fathomless mind and soul.
Everytime I speak from the heart...
Leche, naiiyak na nga ako sa sobrang pagka-seryoso. Galing talaga sa kasuluk-sulukan ng sira-sira kong puso...
She just becomes cynical.
...
I hate myself for it. I don't blame her at all. She has reason to be cynical. And heck, it's part of my curse. People turn away from me when I want to be seen, but fu*k, they see me when I want to hide.
She'd never know...
But then again, even if she did, I doubt she would really care. It wouldn't really matter, would it? None of it does. None of it ever will. Why?
Coz she doesn't need to know.
She's saved now, remember? She's got her savior to tell her all these things, and I'm sure she'll appreciate them a helluva lot more coming from her savior than from me.
And guess what?
...
She doesn't need ME.
Nobody does.