Friday, February 20
Feb. 21 Saturday
Biotrip Rocks!
Man, I'm beat. I woke up at four as usual, went back to sleep, and woke up again at six. It was then that I found out that the only movement my body allowed was breathing. My arms ached when I tried to budge them, and I could hardly feel my legs. My whole body was hurting all over. I couldn't move at all. Nice. I'm stuck. The only consolation for me was that at least my arm was around Ally. So I just lay there...wait...this paragraph seems...wrong...Ok, ok. Clarifications. Some of you might get the wrong ideas...
First thing, I'm beat coz' of the Biotrip yesterday and last Thursday. We went to Batangas Bawan at Dive and Trek. The trip was a killer, and the heat was a sadist. I dunno about everyone else, but I felt as if I was baking alive! The facilitators from Lakbay Kalikasan were...well...weird. They were all really tall guys who were from UP. Don't be confused by their names - they're all the same! They're all these 'barok' and 'baduy' guys who loved to make jokes (really corny ones, I'm telling you!), throw sarcastic remarks, kid around, and play practical jokes on everyone they see. The thing is, although they seem like mere jokers, they're really kind, respectful and concerned...and that means a lot coming from me! They can be really serious when they have to be, but generally crazy most of the time...and somehow gay. I dunno why, but they're most probably all gay. They keep telling these subliminal jokes about them 'transforming' at night. Example: "Yang si kuya Ryan na yan...wag kayong maloko sa itsura nyan! Mamayang gabi, abangan nyo...magtatransform siya into Ate Luisa!" Kuya Ryan in particular was really funny. Everytime he sees me, he would look over yonder to some imaginary point behind me, and exclaim: "Grabe! Antangkad nung isang yun, o!" And I would chuckle, look over my shoulder and say: "Saan? Saan yung matangkad?"
Snorkeling was the bomb. Sure, I pretty much fried to a crisp under the cloudless sky and almost got dehydrated because of all the seawater I swallowed, but it was worth it! The water was crystal clear and the corals were so cool! There were so many fish and sea anemones and crabs and other creatures in various shapes and colors. We even spotted almost the whole cast of Finding Nemo! Although at some point, I had a cramp in my right foot and had to multi-task. I held my foot with my left hand, take underwater pictures with the other, snorkel, hold my lifevest in place, and paddle to shore at the same time. When we got out of the water, we were all chatting about what we saw, then started scratching various parts of our skin...turns out, it was the part of the day when polyps (baby jellyfish) were floating around in the water. Nuts. Some people had it worse than me, though. Like Les...she was allergic to the tiny bastards and her stings were bleeding.
After Snorkeling was the grueling Trek. All I can say is...when they say 80-degree terrain, they MEAN 80-degree terrain!!! God! We had to climb this mountain with nothing but a bottle of water and 30-second stops every now and then. It was at that time that I learned one of life's harsh ironies. Everytime someone needed a push or a helping hand, I would instantly help them - but I would be the one to slip and fall. And they ended up getting irritated with me because I should have minded my own business and I could have endangered the safety of the others. I try to help someone, and they end up hating me. Oh well. The story of my life. Anyway, climbing up the terrain nonstop really got to me. And to my Cardio-respiratory sytem too. I thought I was going to have another blackout. With the heat, dust, and lactic acid in my joints, I just put my mind in blank mode and trudged absent-mindedly up the mountain. Weird. I felt like I was dreaming. I couldn't hear myself or feel the ground at all. I was dillussional. At one point, I found myself hugging the earth and shouting: "Ilibing nyo na lang ako dito! Masaya na ako! Nyahahahahaha!!!" Les, being my biotrip buddy partner, just looked down on me and asked: "Buhay ka pa ba Celine?" *Just barely, Les.* I said. But what came out of my mouth was something more of a fit of giggles and plain rambling. When we finally reached the top, and my system was going back to normal, I found myself holding my pounding heart and muttering: "It's going to be alright, heart. Don't worry. We're almost there. Shhhhhhh. Quiet ka lang...Easy, easy..." Everyone just stared. Going down the mountain was hader than climbing up. We all had to 'slide' down the path of jagged rocks. A literal 'landslide'.
After that, was dinner time. We had to cook our own food as an IP group. There was something about the atmosphere, the cool salty air, starry sky, and aftertaste of the fried fish we ate that seemed to make me feel...crazy. Lightheaded. Carefree. I wasn't the only one, though. Myka and Les felt it too. Myka plus Les plus Me plus insanity factor...You know what that meant...INUMAN NA!!! Like drunk lunatics, we cracked joke after joke about our teachers (sir vince in particular) and 'toasted' with plastic cups filled with water and powdered lemonade. Myka was insanely ranting about wanting to be both a camel and a pony and wanting to have an octopus for a brother. That sent my lemonade spraying into the air and Les rolling on the sand. Les said: "Ano yon? Kubang pony?!" We then visualized sir vince rising up from a glowing whirlpool in the water, holding a trident in one hand and a 'mahiwagang kabibe' in the other with the Yakult jingle and Sampaguita song as background music. That sent us all pounding the sand and clutching our stomachs in laughter. After dinner, the facilitators performed for us. Hilarious. And as a last practical joke, they sat down in a circle and told us this story of an old woman named Kuring who used to live there. Kuya Ryan said that there was a landslide that killed her, but her spirit still roamed the place. They wanted to contact Kuring's spirit with us. So we all held hands, and he warned us to stay close together and not to panic if anything happened. He fell into a trance and kept on calling out 'Kuring' over and over in this scary monotonous voice. We were all shaking with fear, thinking it was for real. After a few minutes of incessant 'Kurings', he stopped, paused, and shouted: "HELLO, BILLY! ANTAGAL-TAGAL KO NANG TUMATAWAG, BA'T WALANG SUMASAGOT NG TELEPONO?" Needless to say, we were all laughing as we climbed into our tents.
I could hardly sleep, because there was this dog whose claws were scratching the pavement and making a racket. So at dawn, we had breakfast, interviewed the bangkeros and left. As we were on our way back to school in the bus, the facilitators had one last joke-sharing. They were so 'baduy' that we just had to tell our own jokes to them instead. Man, was that funny. Saying goodbye to them was harder than we thought it would be. This was truly an experience all of us were going to remember for the rest of our lives!
And for the sake of 'baduy' comedy, here are some of the jokes that really got us laughing our heads off:
Us: Bentahan kita ng Helicopter, isang piso lang, pero may problema.
Facilitators: Ano yon?
Us: Yung katawan yung umiikot.
Everyone: *laughing*
Us: Bentahan kita ng high-heels, isang piso lang, pero may problema.
Facilitators: Ano yon?
Us: Sa harap yung takong.
Everyone: *laughing*
Us: Bentahan kita ng kahon ng eye-mo, isang piso lang, pero may problema.
Facilitators: Ano yon?
Us: Roll-on.
Everyone: *laughing*
Us: Ano ang 'mutter'?
Facilitators: Yung parang bumubulong?
Us: Hindi. Yung nilalagay sa 'mread'.
Everyone: *laughing*
Us: Ano ang 'cattle'?
Facilitators: Mga baka? Kalabaw?
Us: Hindi. Tirahan ng 'printeta't printipe'.
Everyone: *laughing our heads off*
And secondly, Ally is my frog-alligator stuffed toy.
Saya talaga ng Biotrip! I'm still suffering the side effects, though...
Icequeen out.
Wednesday, February 18
Feb. 18 Wednesday
Fate is a handsome jerk.
Wednesday. Not much to say about the day. Algebra test wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. Swimming wasn't as traumatic as before. I got to give 'it' to Issa this afternoon, since I wouldn't be there to give it myself on Friday coz of the Biotrip. I was pretty much down in the dumps for the better part of the day. Seems the dream I had last night was still lingering around in my head. I had to fight back tears again, being sensitive and all, knowing what impending fate was going to befall me soon. The sky seemed to sympathize again, it drizzled a bit late in the afternoon. I wish I could meet whoever it is who seems to release my supressed emotions and embosses them onto the sky.
Ever had recurring dreams? So real, you could feel everything? So real, you wake up sweating and wanting to scream? I usually have dreamless nights of sleep. But whenever I DO get to remember what my subconcious came up with, they all tend to be either really disturbing or symbolic...or both.
Last night, I dreamt of Fate. He tortured me again. Where he knew it would really hurt me. The Icequeen has a bleeding heart for the ones she love...I had this dream before, but in another version. For the sake of the viewers of this blog entry, I won't tell what went on in the dream. It was too...graphic. Everything seemed so...real. I thought I wouldn't be able to wake up from it. When I was finally able to wrench my eyes open, I almost shouted and nearly broke into tears. Well, for those of you who want me to describe Fate like I did with good ol' Pain...well, here's the gist for ya'. Hope you guys like it! P.S. I'll be gone till friday, guys...i'd rather be with a bunch of wackoes in W.B. than see a bunch of fish! Tell me everything that happened, ok?
Here ya' go...
Do you believe in fate? That everything happens for a reason? That there is a master plan for all of us in this world, and everything we do - everything that happens - is all part of an intricate design? Well, I'll tell you one thing...Fate's a handsome jerk. How elegantly he glides along, as Time and Space make way for him. The scenery starts to soften, forming large and slow-moving ripples...like a boulder was silently dropped into a placid pond. Time and Sound seem to hold their breaths as he comes ever closer. The ripples will quicken, and will suddenly stretch towards a center. And from the center, an entity will emerge. Fate. So tall his dark locks would just barely graze the ceiling; his skin so fair, and clad with a stunningly black floor-length robe. A silver crown is settled neatly atop his jet-black tresses, clearly signifying that he is the ultimate master of all allegories. With all his tall, sharp, and contrasting features, he resembles a handsomely crafted ebony sword with an ivory hilt. When he looks upon you, his peircing dark eyes seem to slice into your very soul. His paralyzing, memserizing gaze will hold you in place as he looks deep into your eyes and force your entirety to accept all that he will say. When he speaks, it is as if the whole world bows down and engraves his commands unto the earth itself. His omnipotent words, spoken with such a powerfully deep and clear voice, weigh like a ton upon your whole being. He speaks with such authority and finality, that you are compelled to do nothing but accept what he says...for who can resist him? Who can defy him? Who can possibly change Fate?
...
I can.
I did.
That's coz' Fate's just like any other guy...
A straight-up jerk.
Icequeen out.
Tuesday, February 17
Feb. 17 Tuesday
Silence also has his drawbacks.
Tuesday. My least favorite day of the week. As dragging as a Monday, as long as a Thursday, but with no point whatsoever. It's like a long sliver of wood splintered into the week. Even if it was halfday today, I still found it kinda' dull. Sure, it was pretty windy, but it was sickeningly sunny. Urgh.
The periods today were crammed into each other, and with no apparent proper schedule. Recess lasted approximately five minutes, and Lunch never came. At least some of the teachers were mixed up too, which left us with lots of time for idle work and play....wait...that sounded kinda' weird in a way...Anyway, my exceptional height pretty much played a huge part in decorating our classroom for the asianfest. I had to clip these Korean lanterns onto the flourescents and had to tape our stained glasses to the upper windows. Man, this is child labor, straight up. YM was ok, but a dull aura was surrounding everyone. Haaaay. Well, at least its almost our Biotrip - this Thursday and Friday! Although, I'm not that psyched up at all...I'd rather spend my time walking along the shoreline at night, look up at the stars, and think.
I didn't feel like studying for algebra...it occurred to me that splitting my head open studying for a bunch of mind-numbing crap just didn't appeal to me. But...for the sake of my dad...sure, I did. Formula this, slope-intercept that..snore. I'd rather study for Biology. Our group topic for Health is kinda' interesting, though: Psychologically-caused head, stomach, and chest pains. Hmmm. Nice. Maybe I can understand this 'thing' a little more.
After giving me this really rare Cadbury's peppermint chocolate bar, my dad left for his late-night bible seminar again...happens every Tuesday. Which means, more time for me to be alone in the house...so I just listened to good ol' Amy Lee. Aahh...Tourniquet rocks. *My God, my tourniquet, return to me salvation...will I be denied Christ, tourniquet, my suicide?* Somehow, all the songs in this album seems to reflect certain experiences in my life. I'd never get bored with these songs, man.
...
I'm sinking into depression again...I don't know why...nothing's wrong with me...there's nothing to be sad about...I guess it's a warning...I'm getting too close to someone again...history is repeating itself...
I hate this. It's too quiet. Silence may come in handy sometimes, but not all the time. I'm starting to remember certain things I thought I already forgot. I'll never be rid of these memories...they killed me...still killing me...and they're not even real...just made up...created in my deranged fantasies...Love is merely an illusion to fool the gullible. Then why does it hurt so much? For so long? Real or not, I'll probably never know. I know only one thing...and that is the pain left in me.
Hahaha. Think I'm crazy? Pathetic? Shallow? Hahaha. I'll tell you the story of my life...and in about five minutes, you'll burst out of the room, crying your eyes out, and appreciating every single thing in your life. Hahahahaha. Well, what do you know...this suffering for nothing crap can help people see the light...I guess I may have a purpose in this seemingly God-forsaken twisted existence after all...
Icequeen out.
Monday, February 16
Feb. 16 Monday
When the weather gets rough, just put on a windbreaker, and you'll be okay. When you're like me, though...just grab a weighbelt, and you're all set!
Another Monday. Same as other mondays - generally dragging and bringing with it revelations. The weather was awesome today, man! Total overcast and strong, bittercold winds! Ah, the wonder of nature. Well, at least I thought so...seemed like everyone else (except for a select few) hated the cold. Are you kiddin'? I'd rather freeze to death than burn or get stabbed, or jump off a building! Slow, painful, numbing, plus with lots of time to reminisce...cool. I took one look at the sky and the awesome winds, and immediately thought..."Beija? Is that you?" Turns out, she thought the exact same thing about me...so, she concluded that the overcast was probably caused by the people who didn't get their report cards today...difficulties. Speaking of report cards, I was a little bit surprised when I saw mine...woah, no line of 8's. OK. Now I know what my sacrifices and sleepless nights produced. Wonder what my dad would say...
Well, it was halfday today, which meant...more time for YM again! I spent about 2 hours just chatting away with my friends. So much fun! Issa made me join this 'conference' thing, and we both got to chat with Beija. It was cool at first, but then...well...they started getting on each other's nerves. Issa was ranting about her problems, and started picking on me and Beija. Well, pretty soon, Beija left, and Issa gave me this really cool blogskin: it was some sort of forest with a heart-shaped waterfall with blood pouring into the stream. It said: Love is an illusion meant to fool the feeble...so why does it hurt so much? Hahaha. The ultimate question.
I chatted with Steph in this cool doodleboard thing...we drew a sunset-on-the-beach scenery. It looked too crude, so we added a stick person, a palm tree, a crab, a fish, birds, and a dead body floating on the water - and presto! Instant ecosystem.
When my dad got home, he was pretty pissed with something at work, so I showed him my card. Woah. That did it. He couldn't take his eyes off my grades! He kept muttering: "Grabe...Lahat line of nine! Third quarter pa talaga...Tumaas lahat ng grades mo! Grabe..." He was so happy and proud of me, that he (for some reason) shook my hand and hugged me. I thought that was weird enough, but no...He just had to be weirder...He suddenly put his hand on my shoulder and proclaimed: "Tell me whatever you desire, and I'll give it to you! Even half of my kingdom!" I was too shocked to laugh...Herod...my dad...saying this...uh...need to breathe...Well, at least it cheered him up! Wow, I hope I cheered a lot of people up today...I hope...
Chattin with my friends was the greatest! Here are some really funny excerpts that sent me rolling on the floor laughing:
me: really, now...wow, thanks, man. and if you're wonderin...ally's the stuffed frog-alligator thing you guys tried to stuffedtoy-nap from me
youkai_kaze: hahahahahaha!!!
me: i tell him everything...and the best thing is, that he can't move away coz he's inanimate, and he can't tell anyone coz he's mute!
youkai_kaze: yes i know what you mean.
youkai_kaze: i have snoopy. hehehehehehe
me: you stuffed a live dog?! good God, man!
youkai_kaze: NO!
youkai_kaze: i didnt stuff a live dog.
youkai_kaze: he's a stuffed toy. or are you playing with me??
youkai_kaze: you're playing with me!!!
***
Issa: Add me to your friends list, cel!
Me: I dunno how!
Issa: Then how'd you chat with Beija, then, you nut?
Beija: That's coz im good! (labo)
Me: Well, the first time I installed Yahoo Messenger, so many messages started invading my screen! I was so shocked that I deleted them all and had to duck and cover!
Ah, well, another halfday tomorrow...the only thing I'm looking forward to is about 7 hours of sleep (give or take) before I have to face reality again...Oh, Sleep...take me away from this mundane realm of mortal conciousness and fly me off to your kingdom - devoid of Time, worthless Anxiety, earthly concerns and Reality...
*snore*
Icequeen out.
Sunday, February 15
Feb. 15 Sunday
YM rockz!!!
Another Sunday. Wow, how time flies. This day was supposed to be dedicated entirely for schoolwork and studying, but...well, it wasn't as dull as I thought it would be.
I learned (finally) how to install Yahoo Messenger today! I nearly pulled my hairs out for it, but it worked! I got to chat with Steph about assignments, chat with Nica about smileys, and chat with Beija about...well, everything! It was so much fun! I couldn't stop laughing! (Well, there were some times I had to, because my dad was roaming around the house inspecting stuff) We chatted mostly about archery and some stuff about Baguio (don't ask). It was funny, coz 1) I got to be my usual crazy self and wouldn't be criticized; and 2) I got to play some jokes on Beija...like this:
youkai_kaze: hn. and already a jerk. whats the world coming to *sigh*
me: i dunno. a screeching halt, i'd say.
youkai_kaze: wonder if we'll live to see it.
me: wonder no more. (grabs a knife)
youkai_kaze: hey!
me: (and peels an apple) what?
youkai_kaze: oh great
youkai_kaze: dont scare me!
Well, she had to go, so I sang the doom song and something from spongebob...oh, well...at least I made her laugh! Now there's one less person who'll go to sleep sad tonight! (I hope..) Congratulations, Beija...
You just officially became A Reason.
P.S.: you don't need a plane to fly, plastic wings will make you cry...lalalalaaalaaalaaaa....If I could, then I would, I'd go wherever you will go...way up high, or down low, nanananananaaaaa!
Now, I gotta post this, coz I have a formula to memorize! Bye-o!
IceQueen out.
Saturday, February 14
Feb. 14 Saturday
My mom and her faithful fashionable sidekick: my brother.
Bonding time. Nuts. I woke up at four - AGAIN - sheesh, I wonder if my bioclock's going berserk. I was pretty much tired the whole day, but it was a good thing my mother and brother thought of spending our time bonding at my aunts house. We did nothing but watch TV, sleep, read, play on the computer, and talk. Well, it was more of my mother and brother blabbering on and on about fashion, architecture, art, money, clothes, shopping, travelling, and jewelry...and me pretty much staring and saying approximately 1 word per dialogue. I practically fell asleep just listening to them. The last things I heard were about them designing their own line of clothing and planning to use me as their model. Then I was off to dreamless slumberland. While we were eating dinner though, my lungs felt like they were refusing to expand. My mom noticed, though, and asked so many questions that I was on the verge of telling her about my 'ability' thing. I didn't want to tell my family, coz my dad doesn't want to believe in such unexplained things. And I knew that if I told my mom, the whole town's going to know in less than a day. I didn't want to keep our mother-daughter connections closed again, so I just told her about my ability to be very sensitive to the emotions of others. Turns out, I acted that way ever since I was a toddler. She told me that I used to always cry for no reason at all - and then she related that to my sensitivity thing. Imagine that. Picking up people's emotions at 3 yrs old. My mom's leaving for Zamboanga on monday, and we had to say our goodbyes once again. I don't think I'll ever get used to this. And I don't think I'll ever put the past behind me. But in the car, as I was falling asleep, she held my hand for the longest time in years, and I felt that...maybe, just maybe...I'll learn to understand.
But, hey, look on the bright side...it's valentine's day, and I didn't get to stab any hearts today!..Wait...I didn't?! That sucks!
P.S. Just to make people think: what if Cupid was nearsighted? Wouldn't it be cool to get an arrow through the head? Haha!
Icequeen out.
Friday, February 13
Feb. 13 Friday
Can you say..."Subliminal"?
We had a mass first thing today, and guess what the topic was. Love. Sheesh. Just when I thought I could let it all out on the ones I hate on a perfectly fine Friday the Thirteenth. Love is patient, love is kind...I practically memorized the whole thing ever since I was in sixth grade - since that was the time I needed some guidance on loving my enemies. Great, God. Just great. So You spare my enemies once again.
Nothing to be bummed about, since it was teachers' day and we all got to meet our student teachers. All I can say is that Sir Beni the student teacher rocks! Haha! It was fun learning our lessons from her! We easily aced the quiz in her period! That's a first. After lunch, the highschool went to the Audi to watch this play called 'Alikabok' - which was, by the way, one of the most perverted yet cool nonetheless plays I have ever seen. We all had to wait in the lobby first, though, and it was totally packed. Everyone was sitting, but I preferred to stand (due to the fact that my long legs would accomodate a large space on the floor when I indian-sit). That was when I realized that I got taller - maybe about one and a half inches taller than this year's first quarter. I could see everyone from the top of the stairs - including Issa who was dragging Beija along who was telling her friends: "Hey, guys...Let's all stare at Celine!" Yippee. Another staring session. I don't know why, but it was kinda' fun...weird. There was this queer feeling in my chest (again), but it wasn't painful at all...It was kinda' like my heart was doing some kind of...jig. It was slight, but I also felt a sort of feeling of...happiness? Thankfulness, maybe? But there was definitely a sense of comfort. I thought it may be the ability thing, but I just dismissed it as a mere side effect of the heat, cramped space, and the aftertaste of the flower petals I was eating. Yes, I was eating flower petals. I was picking some of them off this white daisy and popping them in my mouth. Some people found it weird, but hey...they weren't that bad. Slightly bitter, but mostly bland. Needs a little ketchup, though. Anyway, I think Beija, Camille, and her other friends were playing some sort of game, coz' they kept staring at me, then laughing when I turned to look at them. I have to say, I thought I was getting the hang of staring at people. I tried it out on Beija, while she was staring at me from afar. I thought: "Hm...It's much easier to stare at a person who's wearing glasses...I could just stare at the streaks of light reflected on the lenses! Ha! I can do this all day!" But right after I thought it, somehow, for some reason, Beija took off her glasses, set them aside, and continued to stare at me. Well...at least I got to hold the stare for about a second and a half before shielding my eyes and muttering: "NUTS!" We were both laughing, but I couldn't help but think...Can Beija read minds? (Twilight Zone music playing in background)
When we finally got to watch the play, I was relieved at first, but as the play went on, I realized a that there was a lot of perverted and disturbing subliminal messages in the songs and gestures of the dances! No one else seemed to notice, except Les - who completely found all of the disturbing subliminals completely 'artistic' and 'entertaining'. No surprise there. But it was a really great play nonetheless!
Now, I gotta post this, coz I have to wake up early tomorrow to bond with my mother. What's the use...she'll always be this socially charismatic woman who's obsessed with her art and paintings, money, travelling, shopping, jewels, and herself (hmmm...I wonder who my brother takes after...). And I'll always be just...plain weird me.
I made waffles! It's got peanut butter and soap in 'em!!!
IceQueen out.
Feb. 13 Friday
Can you say..."Subliminal"?
We had a mass first thing today, and guess what the topic was. Love. Sheesh. Just when I thought I could let it all out on the ones I hate on a perfectly fine Friday the Thirteenth. Love is patient, love is kind...I practically memorized the whole thing ever since I was in sixth grade - since that was the time I needed some guidance on loving my enemies. Great, God. Just great. So You spare my enemies once again.
Nothing to be bummed about, since it was teachers' day and we all got to meet our student teachers. All I can say is that Sir Beni the student teacher rocks! Haha! It was fun learning our lessons from her! We easily aced the quiz in her period! That's a first. After lunch, the highschool went to the Audi to watch this play called 'Alikabok' - which was, by the way, one of the most perverted yet cool nonetheless plays I have ever seen. We all had to wait in the lobby first, though, and it was totally packed. Everyone was sitting, but I preferred to stand (due to the fact that my long legs would accomodate a large space on the floor when I indian-sit). That was when I realized that I got taller - maybe about one and a half inches taller than this year's first quarter. I could see everyone from the top of the stairs - including Issa who was dragging Beija along who was telling her friends: "Hey, guys...Let's all stare at Celine!" Yippee. Another staring session. I don't know why, but it was kinda' fun...weird. There was this queer feeling in my chest (again), but it wasn't painful at all...It was kinda' like my heart was doing some kind of...jig. It was slight, but I also felt a sort of feeling of...happiness? Thankfulness, maybe? But there was definitely a sense of comfort. I thought it may be the ability thing, but I just dismissed it as a mere side effect of the heat, cramped space, and the aftertaste of the flower petals I was eating. Yes, I was eating flower petals. I was picking some of them off this white daisy and popping them in my mouth. Some people found it weird, but hey...they weren't that bad. Slightly bitter, but mostly bland. Needs a little ketchup, though. Anyway, I think Beija, Camille, and her other friends were playing some sort of game, coz' they kept staring at me, then laughing when I turned to look at them. I have to say, I thought I was getting the hang of staring at people. I tried it out on Beija, while she was staring at me from afar. I thought: "Hm...It's much easier to stare at a person who's wearing glasses...I could just stare at the streaks of light reflected on the lenses! Ha! I can do this all day!" But right after I thought it, somehow, for some reason, Beija took off her glasses, set them aside, and continued to stare at me. Well...at least I got to hold the stare for about a second and a half before shielding my eyes and muttering: "NUTS!" We were both laughing, but I couldn't help but think...Can Beija read minds? (Twilight Zone music playing in background)
When we finally got to watch the play, I was relieved at first, but as the play went on, I realized a that there was a lot of perverted and disturbing subliminal messages in the songs and gestures of the dances! No one else seemed to notice, except Les - who completely found all of the disturbing subliminals completely 'artistic' and 'entertaining'. No surprise there. But it was a really great play nonetheless!
Now, I gotta post this, coz I have to wake up early tomorrow to bond with my mother. What's the use...she'll always be this socially charismatic woman who's obsessed with her art and paintings, money, travelling, shopping, jewels, and herself (hmmm...I wonder who my brother takes after...). And I'll always be just...plain weird me.
I made waffles! It's got peanut butter and soap in 'em!!!
IceQueen out.
Thursday, February 12
Feb. 12 Thursday
Give me one valid reason why I shouldn't do it, and I won't.
I'm dying.
I know it. I can feel it. It's getting harder to breathe.
But the funny thing is...the day started out kinda' nice. I woke up to a brownout this morning, and I actually found it fun to go around the house with an eerie lamp in my hand. But then, I got to school real late - which is a big deal to me, because I was late only about twice in my whole school lifetime. Mrs. Jose was really angry at our batch because of our hair-thin attention span. Great. I just had to be late the day she was in a bad mood. I had to get the late slip all the way from the admin office. What a bummer. I was sprinting along the path because it was Lab. the first period, and it was our group who was presenting our oral defense first. Well, it wasn't such a spectacular performance, but I delivered our really long methodology quite well. I didn't get to finish our algebra quiz, and had to go through Sir Beni's anger fits again. I got to recite a lot during English, but had to suffer through a quiz in Filipino. Computer wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, since I thought I didn't get to save my Coreldraw valentine's card project last week. Turns out I did, and everyone liked the printed version. It was a picture of these huge hearts in different colors and textures - but in the lower left corner of the card, there was a really tiny plain red heart that was left out. The words on the bottom read: It may be small, but it beats only for you. I'm not at all good with love and hearts thing, but everyone seemed to like my work. I should've told them what the words were REALLY supposed to say: It may be a small sucker, but it beats only for you! I know I shouldn't have told them what design I REALLY wanted to make: It was supposed to be a plain white card, with a plain white heart in the middle with all these scratches, tears, stitches, arrows, darts, chains, knives, daggers, and barbed wire piercing it; and at the bottom, there are these plain red words that read: GOT BLOOD? Well, they were just too horrified at my descriptions to even react. Oh well.
I wanted to die so many times everyday, but today was special. My curse manifested itself once again. Another friend was being stolen from me. Another friend had killed me. I helped her through some self-understanding problems of hers, but then she, like so many others, was turning away from me. I tried to talk to her, but she was probably avoiding me. When reality sunk in, the pain in my chest seemed to slowly pound its way throughout my body. For a few minutes in Filipino class, I had to fight for every inhale and exhale without attracting attention to myself. There was this little voice in the back of my head going: "Stupid. You knew this was going to happen ever since the beginning. You knew you were going to end up like this, and yet you still hung on to your puny concern-for-others crap. When will you comprehend that YOU JUST CAN'T LOVE PEOPLE! NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY, THEY WILL ALWAYS END UP HATING YOU, AND YOU WILL ALWAYS END UP LIKE THIS! FORCING BACK EVERYTHING, BEARING EVERYTHING IN SECRET, HIDING EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING YOU HAVE EVER FELT! AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY, THEY WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND YOU EVEN IF THEY TRIED!!! Well, what are you waiting for? You have no purpose in this world, you only hurt people! You suffer for no reason, and yet you still hang on to this trashdump of a life! A person like you doesn't deserve to live!" The voice was right. I felt like my nerves were crackling, and like I was rotting inside. I couldn't feel the pen in my hand nor hear the chatter of my classmates. I was in a daze until dismissal time. Everything just felt numb and I couldn't think of anything other than how it would feel like to kill myself. The thought had crossed my mind many times before, but like I said, this was special. It seemed as if I was looking straight ahead - no other path other than this. This kind of thing happened to me only once before: I was talking to my 'best friend' over the phone and told her that I coldn't take it anymore and that I was holding a knife to my heart. I was practically begging her for a reason to hold on, but you know what she said? She sighed, and muttered: "Oh, this is just great. What a way to end my week." After that, she hung up and never talked to me again. That was a keeper. Considering the fact that we had so much in common, went through so many things, shared the same thoughts - I couldn't accept the fact that in her new school, she was gaining popularity by using all of my ideas, theories and attitudes, and claiming to everyone that they were all originally hers. I didn't get to die that night, because in the stillness and emptiness of our house, I could hear the voices of my friends and family calling my name. God had intervened once again.
But God didn't seem to want to intervene this time. He probably got bored of making me suffer. So I walked on, dragging myself up to the Multi. It was then that I saw my friend. She didn't see me, though, and I was getting killed all over again. Instead of calling her attention, I just stood there, fought back the tears, and let the pain wash over me. I prayed to God to please bless her, help her with her problems, guide her through her life, let her find hope and love in herself and in others. I prayed to God to be with her, because she needed Him now more than ever. I also asked Him that if He needed us both to suffer, to please just let me endure all of it, because she deserves to be happy.
And with that, I lost it. I threw my head back and looked straight up at the sky. No more reasons. No more reason to hold on. I've done all that I could, God. What do You say to that? Well, He didn't really answer me, but in a way, I think He did. Raindrops started to fall on my face. I opened my eyes. The sky was a wondrous overcast and in no time, I was being drenched in rain. For some reason, I felt better - lighter - cooler. Well, what do you know. Somebody does listen to me. I guess I'll live for now. But still, I can feel that I won't be able to stuff any more emotions in me. It's getting harder to breathe.
IceQueen out.
Wednesday, February 11
Feb. 11 Wednesday
Note to self: You are thin.
Today was kinda' different...it was a little lighter. The pain in my chest subsided a little, but I'd get a couple of painful jolts once in a while. There was something about the sun and the atmosphere that made me woozy and drowsy for some reason. I could hardly open my eyes. The irritating heat was almost unbearable and I couldn't wait till swimming classes.
When it was finally time to swim, I was on the verge of just dropping my bags and diving into the seemingly cold water...but, of course, I had to change into my bathing suit first. Nuts. I hated that part. I hated having to show myself in such a thing in front of so many people. It was too...I dunno...bare, I guess. I'd practically die of humiliation if I have to stand infront of everyone. So I figured, to avoid stares, gawks, and comments, I had to wait for almost everyone to be in the pool already so they would be too distracted with the water and each other to notice me. And so I did. When they were all in, I walked out the shower rooms and walked down the stone edge of the pool to the shaded area. My plan had worked. They were all playing and shouting and swimming around. Good. No need to hurry, no one's going to comment on you this time. Little did I know that it was probably the worst thing I had done. I forgot about the ones who were not going to swim - they were seated on the green benches right in front of me across the pool! There were about five of them, including Les, and they all paused a moment, looking at me...then suddenly started muttering to each other: Oh, my God! Is that Celine?! Guys, tingnan nyo! Si Celine, o!" In a matter of seconds, the whole class turned towards me, paused a moment, then started shouting, gawking, muttering, and pointing at me! They were shouting out things like: "Oh, my God. Shit, si Celine parang model!" and "Grabe, ampayat nya!" and "Sobra...balakang ba nya yun? Wala shang puson...yung hita nga nya parang braso ko lang, e!" and "Exag! Tangkad pa nya...na-iinsecure ako!"
I froze. So many people...staring...all at the same time...! There was a voice in my mind going: "SHIIIIIIIITTT!!!!!" I immediately (almost instinctively) covered myself with my arms and yelled: "NOOO! Don't look at me!! I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm FAT!!" With that, I muttered a quick prayer and jumped into the water...which was, by the way, not cold - but sickeningly warm because of the burning hot sun. For the whole PE period, I had to go through a routine pretty much like this: freestyle, then: "Ampayat mo talaga, Celine!", backstroke, then: "Nalulula na 'ko sa katangkaran mo!", diving, then: "Ang haba naman ng katawan, mo!", synchronized swimming, then: "Tayo ka nga, Celine...Grabe, hanggang dyan mo lang yung tubig?! Hanggang dito lang nya, o!".
Crap. I knew they were giving me praises, but I couldn't seem to agree with them. I almost never gave a damn about myself or how I looked (that was my brother's job). And due to childhood trauma, I always thought that I was...well,...not at all attractive. Thus the stooping, hunching, pokerface, and the hiding-behind-my-long-hair thing. They'd say that my hair was so black and shiny, and I'd say that I just slap on some shampoo, shuffle my hair a bit, and wash it off. They'd say that I was so tall, and I'd say that it's just in the genes. They'd say I was so thin, and I'd say that...well,...I wasn't.
But then, as I was hurrying past the mirror in the teacher's locker area, I saw that...well,...I really WAS kinda', sorta', maybe a little thin. A little TOO thin. What was with thinness, anyway? What was with being tall? What does being tall and thin got to do with being beautiful? Why are people so obsessed with worthless adornments, and physical perfection? Stupid humans. They are too engrossed with the such little insignificant things that won't even last. Can't their proportionately large brains comprehend the fact that beauty is on the inside, not on the outside?
Anyway, as I was staring at myself in the mirror, I saw that I WAS thin - and it made me look kinda' neat. Well, that's one step closer to my self-acceptance and appreciation. I just hope that others, whoever they are, and whatever they look like, will also realize that we were all made different and unique. No need to look 'beautiful' by dieting, bleaching, tanning, etc. Because in our own diffenet and unique ways, we already are. All we have to do is accept and appreciate ourselves! Yaaaay!
P.S. Just for the record, I'd like to state a couple of unexplained things that happened to me today: 1) For some reason, I had a slight fever 2) At around dismissal time, my hands and fingers were tingling and shaking all over (like they were being crushed, or something) 3) In the swimming pool, I uttered a chant calling out for the 'one who brings the rain' to come and rain on me (rain always made me feel secure, safe, and blurred from other people's view)...and after a few minutes until late at night, there was a really cool overcast.
I gotta post this already, coz it's time to watch The Simpsons and Invader Zim! I luv those shoooooowwwwws!
IceQuen out.
Tuesday, February 10
Feb 10 Tuesday
They always told me to follow my heart...What heart?
I couldn't sleep last night. I woke up at around four in the morning and couldn't close my eyes. I was half asleep, but the feeling in my chest was fully awake. I felt like I needed a hug. Any form of warmth to soothe my aching, writhing soul. I knew it probably had something to do with my 'ability' thing, but...I really did feel that way. I wanted to share so many things with other people - to my friends and family, to let them feel how much I care for and love them. But I knew better. I knew that the closer I get to the people I love, the more pain I cause to them and myself. They would get hurt in so many different ways, and in the end, they all end up regretting to have even met me. How is it that they can forget so easily? And why is it that through the years, I am forced to remember all of the painful things that they ever did to me, and almost always forget the very few happy moments in my life? I can't possibly be angry with them for the things that they can't even remember anymore. And yet, my heart still beats for them, still bleeds for them. They never know how much I wish to help them, to be with them, to see them happy, how much I want to sprout wings and embrace them as they wallow in their trivial sadness. And they never will. All there is for me to do is to cherish the present and watch them grow with and away from me...as I love them from a distance.
After my dad left for his late-night bible seminar, I was left alone at home. In the stillness and silence of our house, I found myself walking into my room and sitting in front of my dresser mirror. The radio was playing My Immortal, and the slow and sad tune started to creep into my very soul. As I was staring at my reflection, my face covered by a curtain of long dark hair, the weight of all my repressed pain and anguish started welling up inside me. Before I could hold them back, tiny streams of burning tears seared their way down my face. How could I let this happen? How could I, an Icequeen, resort to such feeble means of expressing my weakness? But it didn't matter. I stared at myself, looked at myself in the eyes, tears trickling down my immobilized face. I ran my fingers through my slippery dark locks, revealing to myself the ultimate image of my own hidden being. I was looking at the face of a girl, the Cursed Child - so used, so hurt, so stolen, so forgotten, so indescribably sorrowful...and yet...with her ebony hair cascading down her tear-stained face, and her eyes pink and brimming with agony...so beautiful. For the first time in my life, I actually considered myself beautiful.
I held up my hand and touched my cheek. The warmth of my face was soothed by the coolness of my hand. I had kept this part of myself so hidden from others because I didn't want anyone to see, for they would never understand and they would hurt me all over again. They would tell me the same things they have told me for 15 years: that I'm ugly, that I'm weak, that I'm too depressed, that I dwell too much on the past, that I'm too trusting, that I love people too much. I would hide myself behind jokes, laughter, silence, coldness, and sado-masochism. But I would rather wish for my shoulderblades to split open and sprout wings, fly away, retreat into a desolate corner, and cry within the protective folds of my blood-splattered wings.
Someone used to tell me that I looked pretty when I cried. But since that 'someone' is gone forever, I guess no one will ever know.
That's coz I never cry in public. Duh.
Icequeen out.
Monday, February 9
Feb. 9 Monday
If you think you're all alone in this world, you're not.
Deal with it.
Wow. Another Monday. Lots of new revelations are discovered on Mondays...so I guess I'm quite normal for now. All I can say is...
I FOUND HER! I FOUND HER!!! WHOAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Finally! Thank God!!
Dunno if I should mention her name, though...
Today, I discovered who the illusive Silent Sufferer is! Someone who I almost didn't expect...but then, I had a feeling it was her. Always laughing, always telling jokes, always stooping, always making fun of me, always...well...weird. Weird has many categories, though, and she pretty much falls under...interesting funny weird. Well, turns out almost everything I thought was right. That's a first. She read my blog entries and thought that the descriptions were more than just coincidence. So she talked to me during lunchtime - she wanted to know if it was her emotions I was picking up. Of course, concerned as I was, I still asked her why she wanted to know. Almost a bad idea. She had to send away her friend that was with her - which is not a good thing. You'll find out in a moment. So she just stood there and went on explaining her situation as I paced around trying to digest everything. I couldn't really hear everything she was saying, because for some reason, I was hyperventilating and my heart was beating so damn hard in my ribs. It was her. I had to interrupt: "Wait...Your heart is racing like hell." She paused in disbelief and said: "You can tell that? Teach me how you do that!" Heh. Well, involuntarily picking up emotions from other people isn't all that bad - just...confusing. So, back to the conversation...well, she said it was just between me and her. It's a matter of my diminishing innocence and moral values. Ok. No problem. So, I tried the 'touch' thing and put a finger to her palm. Well, I couldn't really feel anything coz of the noise around. So as a last resort, I looked into her eyes. It was a lot more difficult than I thought it would be. I had to rub my eyes a couple of times to focus. Another issue about moral values: I was always taught that staring is rude. And I was always taught that the eyes were the windows to the soul. Well, looking into a person's soul isn't that easy. I never used this ability of mine ever since I was a kid. So, for the last time, I looked in her eyes and told her to focus her emotions. And for a few seconds, it worked. I can't really describe what I saw and felt, but...just for the heck of it...it's not your normal technicolor TV picture - more of a greenish hue. And in a flash, I saw almost everything: figures, sceneries, people, shapes, smoke - all of which were just jumbled things. But then, I saw clear but sudden and fleeting scenes: a house, a hand holding a letter, the highschool building, huge trees with the wind blowing through it, rainclouds, the CD cover of Evanescence, the payphones at the MPBuilding, a girl who was sleeping, the reflection in a mirror, a crucifix, a hand reaching out to someone's back, a hand with bruises on the knuckles, a couple of people (probably her family), a picture - or a painting...
And the emotions...woah. Just like mine. Pure anguish and hopelessness, unrequited love at its worst, muffled pain, numbing torture - the works.
I almost cried as I realized that someone was going through almost exactly what I was. So I had to look away and tell her: "Stop...You're gonna make me cry." So she did. And at that moment, an unexpected savior arrived. Agnes came over, stood right in front of me and started chatting away. I was so relieved to feel a cheerfully beating heart, that I hung on to Agnes for dear sanity. I was muttering something like: "A different heart! Kind! Loving! Happy! HAPPY!" Must have seemed weird for both of them. When I finally got to my senses, I whispered to Agnes: "Hug her. She needs one. Now." And so she did. Thinking it was some kind of joke, she hugged her - practically crushed her ribs. Even I felt the uneasiness at first then the fluffy comfortable feeling of being hugged by someone who cares. Aww. (Are you crying yet?) But then, the second bell rung and Reality hit like a ton of bricks. Statistics! Damn! Where's my book? Without any time for thanks, I started pointing up at the ceiling and shoo her away up the stairs. "Hurry up! You're going to be late! Go now!" And she raced off, laughing all the way. Well, at least she felt better. And surprisingly, I did too. I felt sort of lighter. I guess the lessons in CLE do pay off: Blessed are those who mourn, they shall be comforted. That's coz I was going through hell too, and no one will ever understand me. Ever. That's because I'm cursed (I think). Everyone who I care for and love almost always end up getting hurt one way or another. And the more I love the person, the more they suffer. The amount of love I have for the person is directly proportional to the amount of pain they get in return. It's so exact, you can make it a science. I couldn't stop grieving for myself, and yet, when I helped someone else, I sorta felt healed too. God works so mysteriously. Oh, well, I'm just hoping that I helped her understand that SHE'S NOT ALONE IN THIS SEEMINGLY GOD-FORSAKEN WORLD. (I know you're reading this! Haha!) TREASURE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS! AND THAT GOES FOR ALL OF YOU OTHER SUICIDAL SADO-MASOCHISTS OUT THERE! DEAL WITH IT!!! Sorry, that one slipped out.
Remember: wallowing in your sadness and pain won't do anyone any good. So try to help someone in need and in so doing, you will find you have healed yourself too...Plus, you'll find Jesus! (Do I sound like a mother?)
Believe me, it ain't so easy either to be a sado-masochist and talk about finding Jesus at the same time. Just don't lose faith, OK?
I gotta post this, coz I only have a few minutes left till bedtime!
IceQueen out.
Saturday, February 7
FEB. 8 SUNDAY
I'll tell you one thing about Pain...He's cute.
I woke up this morning with an excruciatingly dull pain in my chest. This wasn't your everyday pneumonia-caused pain...this was...ADVANCED PAIN. I didn't even bother to wake up my dad who was sleeping soundly beside me, because I knew exactly what was causing this.
To put it simply, its because I loved too much again.
Damn. When am I gonna stop doing this? When will I take pity on myself for once? When will I stop caring so much for people? Why can't I just...forget? Argh! It hurts so much, God!
I tried tossing and turning in the bed, but it only made it worse as it seemed to make it throb and reach my back. I didn't even realize that I was about to tear my blanket into shreds because I was gripping it so tightly. I had to bite on my lower lip to stop myself from crying out loud as I sat up. Utter torture at 6 am. Another typical morning for the IceQueen.
But you know what? I could have really enjoyed this. I 'kinda like Pain. Sweet, stinging, agonizing, tantalizing Pain...But this time, I hated it.
Have you ever seen Pain? His scarlet hair tousled like a gust of liquid flame, clashing against his marble-pale skin...His deep-set light brown eyes glowing like embers in his skull, complimenting his crimson-and-gold robes that seemed to be on fire...Have you ever felt Pain? His long fingernails caressing you, searing your bare skin like a red-hot blade...How about his kiss? Few have tasted his kisses and stayed sane enough to tell how it felt like...Heh. Couple of dweebs. Pain has never left me since I was nine. The constant torture kinda' made me think that he liked me...and judging from the frequency in line with the unbearable factor...I'd say he REALLY liked me. Pain's kiss feels like a dull and rusty knife being pressed against your skin. It seems as though your very bones were on fire and your nerves numbed. But when Pain kisses you - and you kiss him back...well, that's a different story. His burning lips makes your whole body feel as though you were dropped in a pot of boiling oil. Then, after a few moments, his mouth will start to get colder and his hands like icecubes against your skin. He will hold you tighter in his frozen embrace and slowly suck the breath from your lungs. The moment you realize what's happening, you will try to pull away, but too late. Pain has transformed into Death. You will fall in love with strangely dark and demented creature and, as if under a spell, you will leave all earthly concerns behind and gladly let him take you to the netherwold. But, Death's descriptions are reserved for another entry. Tee hee.
Dammit, why do I have to be so friggin' sensitive?! I pick up emotions everywhere I go! I just look at a person from afar, get a little closer, touch the person's hand, and voila - instant tidal wave of emotions in a single touch. How stupid is that?! I can't help but feel so...so...so sorry for the person! And you know me - I care too much to let it pass. I instantly think up theories on why the person would feel that way, what the person was going through, etc. etc. Most especially for those who hide their pain and sufferings behind smiles and witty jokes coz...they're just like me! Only, they're kinda much better at the hiding behind smiles thing.
I especially felt really bad for someone - and bad as in I mean REALLY heartwrenching bad. The thing is, I don't know who that person is! I've narrowed it down to a girl, coz duh, I wouldn't come within five feet radius of a guy (for the guy's sake). And...she must be someone who I come in contact with on an almost regular basis. And the real bad part is...that she's suffering almost like I am! And I know for a fact that if anybody would suffer even a fraction of what I go through...well...the only words for the feeling is...HELL ON EARTH. Which compels me to help her!!! I'll tell you this, though - she's good at hiding it. She feels as if no one will ever comprehend her situation - thus she suffers silently. She's begging for help - anyone or anything. She's probably lost faith in God, too. (wow, talk about analysis). So what's this gotta do with me? Well, she's begging so much that I think I'm picking it up! The sensation is...well, hard to describe...sorta like your lungs filling up with rotten chunks of porridge, your heart being corkscrewed, and a ton of bricks being pressed slowly against your ribs. Yeah, that's a pretty good description of it. It may be one of my friends, though...Nica, perhaps...or Anne...no, Giselle, maybe. I don't know. The only thing is, the girl's muffled cries are resonating in my chest!
Oh, well. This is God's plan for me. To always feel what others feel. I may never find out who this girl is, but I hope that if I don't...someone will. Her friends, maybe? A family member? Or Jesus?
Well, if she's going through what I'm going through...I only have three things to tell her: 1) Girl, you need a hug. Get one. It's free. Just go near a warm-blooded human, encircle your arms around the person, and squeeze. Not so tight. You'll find that a hug is all you ever really needed in this seemingly God-forsaken twisted existence you call 'a life'. 2) It's OK to cry. Stop trying to act all tough-guy with it. Believe me, I've been there. Just close your eyes, purse your lips, curl up into a ball and just cry. Even just a little. If you're alone, don't overdo it. You'll end up feeling like you're missing a huge chunk from your chest. If you're going to let it all out, do it in the arms of someone who cares. That person will replace the bad aura you got rid of with good aura. I'm not a psychic. 3) Pray. Talk to the big JC and surrender everything to Him. Lost your faith? Can't seem to find Him? That's because you're like a kid noisily groping around in a haystack trying to find a small watch, lamenting all the while. Just be still, put your ear to the ground, and listen. Follow the ticking. There is a purpose for everything. You suffer for a reason which is not yet revealed to you. But you can be sure - if it's God's plan for you to suffer - it's a damn good reason. BE HAPPY!
Now, I gotta post this already, coz I have a script to complete!
Icequeen out.
Friday, February 6
Let's celebrate my technological victory with....
IM GONNA SING THE DOOM SONG NOW!
Doomdoomdoom, di-doo-di-doom-di-doo-doom, doomdoomdoom-di-doom!
WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! take THAT fate!!! I conquered the internet!!!!