Friday, March 18
karma ng anorexicMarch 18 Fri.
“Kung kailan ako kumain, dun pa ako nalason! Poga’ng mundo ‘to, o!” –me
...
Monday afternoon:
Our class had our THE project/culminating activity in the kitchen, where we set up our themed tables and served our home-cooked food.
Our group’s was itallian, so we served pesto pasta. Good enough, coz we knew we were gonna pile our plates with the others’ dishes soon enough.
The others served cakes, pasta, rice, and one group – the Athletic Friends’ – served Filipino cuisine.
In fairness, masarap po ang merengue, palitao, sinigang, red egg, at pork adobo nila, so I pretty much took a bite of each dish. (wag na kayo umangal, anorexic nga ako eh! Minsan lang ako magutom!)
After the activity, we all went home to do our projects.
...
Monday night:
Everyone was online chatting about the projects and assignments to be passed the next day. I was typing the rest of my Filipino paper with Nica, when my stomach..well..twisted itself in tight, painful knots.
I remember biting down on my tongue, just to keep myself from screaming in pain (since my dad was right behind me), and my fingers froze over the keyboard.
The pain passed, but came back twice over. Again. And again. And again. Until it drove me to the brink of insanity. Really. Ganun ka-sakit.
I finally admitted that I couldn’t do my part in the project, and it broke my heart to have to leave it to Nica..but I knew I was going to faint, and I just couldn’t continue.. Nagalit ata siya..but really, I would never even dream of faking a sickness like this just to leave her with the work.
I staggered to my bed, and tried to sleep. I woke up at 3 in the morning, half-mad with agony, and my wrist was raw with bite marks (coz I didn’t want to shout out). I inched to the bathroom, and after a few minutes, my skin froze. I felt it grow cold and sweaty within two seconds. My vision was covered in spots, and my hearing slurred. I knew that feeling. I was gonna faint.
Of course, I didn’t want to faint with my pants down in a locked room, so I made my way out the door and back into my room. That’s when I realized..i was REALLY gonna faint. On the spot. So I did what I always do – analyze. Yes. Analyze. I analyzed how I was gonna faint, so that my head wont hit the corner of the bed, or my body wont twist in a funny way.. (ang drama ko talaga..) the last thing I remembered was that I held onto my bedpost.
And when I opened my eyes, I was staring at my curtain. Okay, so I did pass out. Twice. On the second time, I was sprawled on the bed, and I asked ate Wilma to wake dad up coz: “Nahihimatay na ‘ko..haha..” When dad saw me, he freaked. So did everybody else. I just laughed. Yeah, amidst that pain and hellish fever, I was laughing.
What can I say?
High temperature and increased pain levels kinda does that to me.
...
Tuesday morning:
I could hardly move. My wrist was almost bleeding. My palms were cut by my fingernails. Dad was panicky and persistent with the countless phonecalls, pacing, smoking, thermometer, damp towel, spoon, nagging, Gatorade..oh the Gatorade..
Para daw sa lost electrolytes ko, sabi ni tito edgar (my doc uncle). Poga..sa sobrang daming bote ng Gatorade na pinalagok sa’kin, pwede na ‘ko mag-endorse ng Gatorade! At ng biogesic..Imodium..alcohol..
My fever hit 39. Dad was scared I’d get convulsions or brain damage. I was just smiling. The wet towel felt like ice against my skin that froze me to the bone. I could almost hear my skin sizzling..
Dad stayed with me all day. I heard him make a phonecall about his enemy at work who might use his absence as a means to pin him.
Damn weak body of mine..
Gotta love my dad.
...
Tuesday night:
The main concerns were: lowering my furnace of a fever, making me eat and drink, and my exams.
The real obstacle was making me take in anything. I just couldn’t. I wanted to, mind you. Fuck, I don’t want to be sick! For once I don’t! I had a date the next week, dammit! And they all thought wala lang akong ganang kumain, eh pinipilit ko na nga eh! I had to fight down at least 4 involuntary throw-up urges (kasi sayang daw yung pagkain), and withstand countless nagging and ridicule.
I hated myself more and more.
...
Wednesday morning:
I was still in no state to go to school. I still lost gallons of fluids every three hours, and my fever still didn’t break. They drowned me in icewater and alcohol till my skin softened like cool plastic.
Dad still didn’t go to work, and I sure as hell loved him for that. He kept watching over me, and taking my temperature. The only thing I didn’t like much was him forcing me to eat and drink when I claimed I couldn’t anymore.
“Dad, di ko na kaya..”
“Pilitin mo! Kundi I-papa-dextrose kita! Ano?”
Hah. That made me laugh a bit. He still thought I was afraid of the dextrose. I used to abhor it when I was a kid, and threatening me with it was the only way he could make me eat. But now, I was 16 – and I loved needles and blood. But hey, I still fought. I fought against that damned fever and that friggin pain.
I had something else I was looking forward to. My inspiration.
“Kaya mo yan..i know God won’t let anything happen to my angel..”
It made me smile. And hang on.
I just wished that my mom was there with me..
...
Wednesday night:
I learned from Anne that a lot of us in the class were absent, and all for the same reason: the Filipino cuisine of the Athletic Friends group. I personally think it was the pork adobo..or the sinigang, I dunno. But I laughed at the grim thought. Kung kailan ba naman naganahan ako kumain ng marami, dun pa may lason yung pagkain!
I still had a pretty rowdy night, but I took comfort in the thought that someone was watching over me.
...
Thursday morning:
Dad had to go to work. Since he couldn’t take care of me at home, he sent me to my lola’s place. Okay, so I got up and walked around on my legs (which literally felt like rubberbands) and was driven by Kuya Ricky to Lola’s place. Haha. He took one look at me and:
“Aba..sumexi ka ah!”
“Gago!”
That actually made me laugh. Loko talaga yung kuya Ricky na yun. Once at Lola’s kuya bombarded me with pats and hugs and nags – as usual. But I had to admit, I missed him..a lot..
I stayed there the whole day, still weak and scared with the thought of being rushed to the hospital in my skimpy shorts. I forced myself to eat, and they pretty much forced me to take in every piece of medicine they could find. I was a kid again. Oh well..I just spent the day listening to the fluctuating sounds of nickelodeon channel outside, slipping in and out of sleep, and praying.
Yes. I was praying.
I really did think I was going to die. I found myself praying for..well..everybody. All my friends, family..even enemies. It seemed so easy recalling their names, past experiences, and what you want for them when you’re sick in bed..
I heard I almost did die.
I realized that I was actually ready.
...
Thursday night:
Tito Edgar dropped by with a nice black bag. He asked me about how I felt, and all that stuff. He made my excuse slip for school, and decided that I needed THAT.
What is THAT?
The one thing eveyone’s been trying to avoid the whole time. The one thing I’ve actually been looking forward to the whole time.
The dextrose.
I was laughing as I tried to keep a straight face. Hey, at least I wasn’t going to end up in a hospital (I have a phobia for hospitals..i don’t know why..). He took out this weird looking needle with flaps on it and was tying a rubber glove around my left forearm (believe me, it was hard to hide the scars from everybody..) And me, of course – being the wannabe cardio-surgeon like my uncle in the future – kept asking questions like a little kid.
“Tito, what’s that?”
“Ah..tawag jan..butterfly needle.”
“Haha, nice name. Is this gonna hurt?”
“Di naman..onti lang.”
Okay. I gotta say that people sure come up with nice misnomers for torture devices. It didn’t hurt a bit. It hurt a lot. But for a masochist, a two-inch needle being skewered into your vein kinda hits the spot. I admit, the sensation made me grin. And the blood? Made me drool.
One point, as kuya was looking away from the gore of it all, my phone lighted up. Kuya saw it, and raised an eyebrow at me. I guess he knew..and it was cool that he was trying to help me sort things out, and not snuff me like all the others.
“O..nalaman mo na ba ang katotohanan, Celine?”
“Erm..”
“Haay nako..alamin mo na! Ayoko’ng nakikita kang umaasa sa wala!”
“He’s not lying, kuya..naniniwala ako sa kanya.”
“Eh sa’kin, di ka naniniwala? Kuya mo ‘ko..”
“Naniniwala din. Pero wala naman ako’ng paki-elam sa itsura nya eh.”
“Eh pano kung nagsisinungaling pala sha?”
“Haha..ewan ko sa kanya..”
“Kaw talaga Celine, o..sumusobra nanaman yang puso mo eh.”
“lagi naman eh..”
I went home hooked up to a dextrose. I lied down on my dad’s lap in the car, and sometime that night, when his hand was around me, and his other hand on my forehead..
All else seemed to just fade away. Really. Even the dull vibration of my message-alert. I wouldn’t exchange that moment for anything.
...
Friday morning:
I woke up at dawn, and realized my dextrose was all out. Dad tried to replace it, but I guess my blood in the tube already coagulated while I was asleep, so I had to settle for that one bottle. I was stronger, but still too weak to go to school.
I spent the day at lola’s again, but this time I got to spend more time with kuya. He kept on whacking (playfully yet excruciatingly) my stomach, my head, my arms, and my legs. We kept on laughing about stuff..and damn, I missed having fun with him like that..
“Pa’no kayo na-food poisoning?!”
“Sa kinain siguro namin sa school..”
“Lam mo, dami na naf-food poisoning ngayon sa Pinas! Hmm..bakit kaya?”
“Baka may bio-weapon na sinusubok sa mga pilipino!”
“Oo nga!” *imitates GMA, with a finger in the air* “Nako, sa likod nito sigurado ay si Osama. AT sa likod nya naman ay si Allah.”
*laughter*
“Gago kuya, may mga muslim tayo’ng kapit-bahay!”
“ayputanginaoonganoh!”
He played around with our baby cousin Marie – who took a liking to me, haha – and it just amazes me how kuya can put up with her and still come up with his projects.
“Alam mo ba yang si marie? Orchestra namin yan!”
“Eh? Paano?”
“Pakinggan mo. Meron ka na’ng trumpet, trombone, piccolo, saxophone, at alarm clock all in one!”
But hey, he really loves that kid. And she really loves him too..he has the scars, bruises, and drool marks to prove it.
...
Friday Night:
I was feeling sort of empty. I woke up at dawn, and still nothing. The fever had gone down, the pain got a whole lot more bearable..but something was wrong. And not just with my body.
I remembered one of the countless dreams I had when I was still sick..it seemed so vivid, and symbolic. Scary, really. For me. I’ll just talk about it in the next entry I’ll make..
I thanked God I got to live through my ordeal (damn, no joke yun, ah!). It kinda brought the family together. In a way. It made us all pray a little harder, and it sure made me stronger. In more ways than one.
Shit talaga..parang ayoko na kumain ever!!
Icequeen out.
Saturday, March 12
March 12 Sat.
“May I visit you..?” –hush
...
I loved this video..
I loved it because the first part reflected my life before.
But I love it more now..
Coz the last part reflects my life now.
*smiles*
...
Video code provided by MusicVideoCodes.com
...
“We are all one-winged angels..and the only way we can fly is if we hold on to each other.”
Do you know?
That I’d gladly give up my solitary wing just to see you graze the heavens with two?
Thursday, March 3
March 3 Thurs.
“MISS! WAIT. LANG. PO!” –me
...
Today was a lot better than yesterday..actually, it was better than most of the days of my past life.
Its been hectic, like the last few days of the schoolyear triggers some kind of internal instinct in everybody to panic – or in the teachers’ case, to come up with crazy ideas for projects and homework and just dump them on the students by the truckloads.
Haha, but hey..kaya natin to!
Konti na lang, guys! Wag kayo magmadali..savor the moments..(lalo na kayo, fourth years..)
Lilipas din to..
*wink*
...
In CLE class, we talked about the holy sacrament of Matrimony. Oh boy. Needless to say, I was the only one not grinning and squealing and smiling. I was sinking into my chair, and retreating behind my dark curtain of ebony locks. Handy. Heh.
Well, we all knew about the cute and cuddly basics, but I was the one who gave the details about how the couple (stop drooling, hentais!) comes to the point where they get reasons to separate, and eventually get an annulment.
*sigh*
Experience is such a great teacher..
I just realized that annulment was actually worse than divorce..its like you denied the whole marriage..the entire thing..
Hn..
“Would that make me a bastard?” I thought.
Maybe.
But I swore..that for the off-chance that I do get married and have kids, I’ll never..
Ever..
Leave my kids.
Laman, dugo, kaluluwa ko yun.
And a bunch of shiny rocks and dirty paper – or anything, for that matter -will NEVER replace the memories and moments I’ll get to share with them.
...
There WAS this one part where we all had a laugh..Miss Grace was asking us to share about our ideal weddings, married lives, and kids. Everybody was chattering away with their thoughts set on church weddings, grand receptions, four or so kids, big houses with wide yards, and of course – a darling husband..
And I was too busy staring into space and laughing.
When do I want to get married? When im mature enough, and we should both have a stable job by then. It wouldn’t be fair for my husband to get stuck with a girl who isn’t ready for that kind of thing. How do I want to get married? Any way. Church is preferred by my family, of course, but I sure as hell wont spend a damn fortune on it..its already special the way it is, right? How many kids? *twitch*
Cai: “Ako..gusto ko grand church wedding tapos reception sa isang resort..honeymoon? Erm..kahit saan..” *grin*
Cara: “Ako, garden wedding..tapos reception naman sa hotel..tapos honeymoon sa Thailand, siguro.” *flips her hair*
Char: “Ay, gusto ko rin nyan! May sayawan, kainan..AT..ahem! haha, ikaw Celine?” *turns to me* “Anong dream wedding and honeymoon mo?”
Me: *leans back* “Sus..eh di sa simbahan! Kung pareho kami ng pag-iisip ng asawa ko, poga..” *grins* “Tatakasan naming ang reception! Hi-jack kami ng eroplano, punta kaming boracay. Lakad-lakad sa beach, tapos nood ng sunset..tapos punta sa hotel..”
Them: *raises their eyebrows* “Tapos..? tapos??”
Me: *laughs* “Kakain ng yellowcab pizza at iced tea habang nanonood ng TV! Inuman fest hanggang makatulog kami.”
Them: “Ayyyy...ayaw talaga ni Celine sa sex! Mashadong wholesome, eh!”
Me: O_O “Gago!”
And there was this point when Miss Grace was asking us about the common complications of marriage..ahem. Nabuking ata ako..
Teacher: “Okay..what are some of the common problems encountered in a marriage?”
Kriska: “Financial.”
Agot: “Personal..”
Caria: “Erm..miss, minsan nagsasawa lang talaga sila sa isa’t-isa..” *shrugs*
Nica: “Yes, miss..yung tipong nagf-fall out of love?”
Teacher: “Yes, I agree..i mean, inevitable naman na magka-dirian kayo sa flaws ng isa’t-isa, diba?”
Class: “Yeah..”
Bianca: “At alam nyo naman ang guys..they have a scrutinizing eye for flaws..”
Class: “Oo nga..”
Teacher: *laughs* “I mean, come on..there’s no such guy who won’t mind your flaws..wala nang lalake sa mundo na mamahalin ka for every single thing that makes you-“
Me: *raises a finger into the air* “MISS!”
Everybody: *turns to me*
Me: *blinks* “MISS WAIT! WAIT. LANG. PO!”
(pause)
Teacher: *gasps* “Oh my goodness, Celine! You’ve found such a man?!”
Hn.
I have indeed..
And don’t try to make me let go. Coz I sure as hell won’t.
Why?
Ha.
Coz I love him for every. single. thing. That makes him..him.
...
...
We had a retro boyband singing fest during dismissal, and we spent the better part of the afternoon racking our brains for those oldies songs, singing our lungs out, and laughing our heads off.
Do you remember these?
“FIVE!
Whatcha waitin FOUR?
If ya wanna
THREE, three
TWO, two
ONE,
Lets do it!”
“What good is a heart if you’re not gonna use it?
What good is a love if you’re too scared to choose it?
If your heart is beating, then its for a reason, girl..
If you’re not even willing to start..
What good is a heart?”
“I need some love like I never needed love before..
Wanna make love to ya, baby..
I had a little love..now im back for more..
Wanna make love to ya, baby..
Set your spirit free..
It’s the only way to be..”
“Crazy little party girl!
How I love you!”
“I’ll never break your heart,
I’ll never make you cry..
I’d rather die than live without you-
I’d give you all of me, honey that’s no lie..”
“You treat me like a rose..
you give me room to grow..
you showed the light of love on me,
and gave me air so I can breathe..
you opened doors that close
in a world where anything goes..
You give me strenth so I stand tall,
Within this bed of earth just like a rose..”
“Coz you bring out the best in me,
like no one else can do..
That’s why im by your side..
That’s why I love you..”
“Quit playing games with my heart,
quit playing games with my heart, you’re gonna tear us apart..
I should have know from the start..
Oh baby, baby..
The love that we had was so strong,
Don’t leave me hanging here forever!
Oh baby, baby,
This is not a lie,
Let’s stop this tonight..”
“Oh my pretty pretty boy I love you,
like I never ever loved no one before you..
pretty pretty boy of mine..
just tell me you love me too,
tell me you love me too..”
“I wish you’d look at me that way-
your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine..
telling me more than any words could say –
but you don’t even know im alive..
Baby to you, all I am
Is the invisible man..”
“I knew I loved you before I met you..
I think I dreamed you into life..
I knew I loved you before I met you,
I have been waiting all my life..”
“I lie awake, I drive myself crazy,
drive myself crazy, thinking of you..
made a mistake when I let you go, baby,
I drive myself crazy wanting you the way that I do..”
And this..
Was the one that got me smiling till I crept into bed.
For you.
...
*As Long as You Love Me*
by: Backstreet Boys
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine..
I’m leaving my life in your hands..
People say I’m crazy and that I am blind –
Risking it all in a glance..
But how you got me blind is still a mystery –
I can’t get you outta my head..
Don’t care what is written in your history,
As long as you’re here with me.
I don’t care who you are..
Where you’re from,
Don’t care what you did –
As long as you love me..
Who you are,
Where you’re from,
Don’t care what you did –
As long as you love me..
Every little thing that you have said and done
Feels like its deep within me (oh, oh oh)
Doesn’t really matter if you’re on the run –
It seems like we’re meant to be..
I’ve tried to hide it so that no one knows,
But I guess it shows –
When you look into my eyes..
What you did and where you’re comin’ from,
I DON’T CARE..
As long as you love me, baby..
As long as you love me..
...
*smiles*
Wednesday, March 2
March 2 Wed.
“I believe in you..
I’ll give up everything just to find you;
I have to be with you-
To live, to breathe,
You’re taking over me..
...
Have you forgotten all I know
And all we had?
You saw me mourning my love for you
And touched my hand,
I knew you loved me then..” –Taking Over Me
...
My friends were cold and quiet towards me.
Nica didn’t talk to me for some time.
Anne looked like she was on the verge of tears.
The others just looked quite disgusted.
Everybody else looked on with pity.
Damn.
I really..really hated myself for being like this..
For being so damn weak..
And pathetic.
But how could I make them see?
Make them feel?
They weren’t there..
They didn’t hear the endless murmurings in my ear..
Feel the nudge and push of delirium..
See the alluring smirk of guilt-driven masochism..
For a moment or two, my only reason for living was the warmth of Inna’s hand stroking my back and wounded fist, as I collapsed onto the wooden table.
...
...
I begged God to take me home.
Clung to Him as the broken-winged bird He gave me hobbled out of my hand; and my soft cries drowning in the distant gurgling of the shore against the ever-yielding sand.
I felt numb.
Like my old self again.
Nothing new, really.
This time..i just didn’t want to get up again..
Or move..
...
But interestingly enough, as the day crept into the late night, a flicker of something burned inside me. A reality. A fact. I acknowledged it aloud..
“I believe him.
I believe in him.
I hope he’s happy.
He deserves to be.
I..
I love him.
Mahal ko siya..
Kung sino man siya.”
I shook my head at my own hard-headedness. It was the most pathetic and stupid thing, they said. But I didn’t care. I had a heart. I had love. And it overcame the odds and doubts and fears. I would stand by what I believed in..
I didn’t know why I was doing it..
But for the off-chance that he WAS telling the truth, then by God, I would fight till the bitter end just for him to be happy. He deserved it. I knew it in my gut.
Don’t ask me why.
I don’t know either.
...
...
I drowned myself in PE swimming class. Jumped off the edge of the pool, and grazed the bottom tiles in a flurry of bubbles and swirling water.
My veins were on fire, and my head buzzing with lack of air. But I didn’t care. It took my mind off the confusion and pain in my heart and still-aching hand.
To pass the spare time, Ms.Fe treated us with play time “experimenting” with these fun noodle-floating thingies..long bendable cylinders of colorful Styrofoam for our amusement. Cai and Denise rode them to kingdom come. Sounds wrong? Heck. IT IS. They even had a race.
The others just bunched them together and made floating mats. Some twisted them around their bodies, and the rest just swam around, whacking them on one another.
It was fun watching them.
I knew I had to do something..to get away..this was my chance. Kahit iilang minuto lang..
I put one under my shoulderblades, and another under my knees. I just tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and floated. I could feel the blazing sun frying my skin two shades darker, and hear the others shouting and laughing and splashing water around. I think I smiled then..
A wishing feather floated lazily and landed on the water near my hand..i picked it up with my finger and wished.
“I wish..”
I never wish for myself..i always end up wishing for other people. So now I wanted to make that single wish count for ME. I did deserve it, didn’t I? I wanted to be happy. Happy. I wanted to go home. Home..where I would be happy forever. Now how would I make that into a wish..?
“I wish..”
Tears welled up in my eyes.
“I wish..that he will be happy. Truly happy. Whoever he is..”
I drew in a breath and blew the wish away. A silent whisper to the forces unseen. A prayer. A confession. A final admonition..
I watched it float away. Higher and higher..farther and farther away from me. I watched till the world blurred over in salted waters.
Then..it came back.
A faint warm wind blew the wish back and I blinked as the feather landed right beneath my eye.
I smiled.
“Ang kulit..”
And with that, I fell asleep to the blurred sight of softly broken waters and hazy dreams.
...
...
I saw right through you.
Why?
Coz hey, if I was in your place, I would do the exact same thing.
Damn..it sure pays to have a superior IQ once in a while.
And y’know what?
My wish came true..
...
Tuesday, March 1
March 1 Tues.
“What’s there to forgive?
They didn’t do anything wrong, did they..?
Hindi naman masamang saktan si Celine Estrada eh..” –the one in the mirror
...
A journal entry I found..
Let it speak for me now..when I truly have no words.
...
March 1 2005
Time: ...
Location: ...
He left me today. He said it was to save me from his mom’s assasins. I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel used, deprived, hopeless, relieved, and forlorn all at once. I punched the mirror – the left small one on my dresser. I broke it on the second punch. It shattered all over the floor, and all over my knuckles. I bled. I collapsed on my bedroom floor and spread my arms, like the Crucified Christ. I cried. I let 16 years pour out of me in blood, sobs, and tears. Even laughter. At 6:00pm on my watch, I got up and cleaned up. I covered my mirror with a cloth. From now onwards, I will not love too much ever again. Damn me if I do. I will get a radical haircut within the week to symbolize my taking off. God bless him – or whoever he is. I just want him to be happy. An me? I just want to go home.. God please.. take me home..
-end- 6:10pm
...