Friday, September 24
Sept. 24 Fri.
"For I know well the plan I have for you,
Says the Lord,
A plan for your welfare, not for woe,
Plans to give you a future..
FULL OF HOPE." –Jeremiah 29:11
...
Clutching the folded pieces of paper close to my chest, I crept back into the shadows, away from the world..
Where those cabron de la tierras couldnt take my love letters away.
...
I leaned against the slope of the Multi, popping one mentos grape after the other into my mouth, waiting for someone who I thought would come..
But never did.
I must have missed it when I turned to kindly pat my sick classmate on the back.
...
We strolled through the small forest that separated the retreat house from the formation house.
I took my time to behold the simple beauty of nature.. Gently tracing the dewdrops that clung to the edges of the flowers and leaves with my fingers.. Lightly blowing at an intricate newly-spun spiderweb.. Smiling at the beautiful image of the sunlight pouring through the leaves of the trees..
Being the one at the back of the line has its rewards.
...
"Alright, everyone, take a seat.."
I pulled out a monobloc chair and prepped it against the wooden divider.
"Here we go.." I muttered, slumping into the chair, making it slam hard against the door. All stares turned to me, and I waved a shy apology as I sank lower into my seat.
I tilted my head back, and gazed on the poster which was wobbling along with the door.
"Why, hello there, Jesus."
...
They were telling me how disappointed they were that I didnt give them any letters.
But how?
How could I tell them?
That I spent the whole night trying my damn best to scribble something on a blank sheet of paper..
Something that would tell them just how much I appreciate them..and love them..
The memories that filled my mind and heart were priceless..
And no amount of scribbling would ever come close to how much love I had for them..
How could I tell them?
That letters were unworthy of these emotions?
That letters were just ink and paper?
I tried.
But I sadly closed my mouth as I saw the looks on their faces.
They would never understand.
...
I rolled my eyes, as the facilitator asked us to write down who we felt we should forgive.
My pencil tapped away impatiently on the blank bond paper. The facilitator turned to me, and I was forced to stoop down onto the table and write at least something.
*Mom?
Nah. Too pathetic.
Dad?
Nah. Insulting me is his way of showing just how much he loves me.
Kuya?
Nah. Hes just trying to find his own happiness.
My family?
Nah. Theyre just used to reducing their members into insignificant specks.
Brian?
Nah. All guys are jerks anyway.
My former best friends who left me for dead?
Nah. They were actually smart to hurt me and leave.
Him?
..Nah.. He killed himself BECAUSE he wanted to be with me.
Her?
..Nah.. im not worth falling in love with, anyway.
Then what the heck should I write?*
I closed my eyes and tilted my head back. After a few moments, I snorted and scribbled down the only person who I could never forgive.
*ME*
...
...
I could feel my heart pounding in my head as my classmates randomly pulled out their slips of paper from the basket.
"Okay, come up front and share something about how you relate with the passage in your slip of paper.."
I gulped as I heard the passages they recited.
When the facilitator turned her face to me and stepped closer holding out the basket, I slowly pushed myself backwards.
*God..what are You gonna do to me..?*
I smiled feebly as I dug my fingers deep into the pile. Maybe if I searched the bottom of the basket, I would hopefully unearth a passage that wouldnt make me choke in front of the class.
I slowly slid the paper out and kept it tightly clutched in my hand as I marched up front and took the mic.
I gazed down at the paper and read the passage aloud.
...
"For I know well the plan I have for you..
Says the Lord.."
My breath caught in my throat.
*Jesus..please dont do this..*
"A plan for your welfare, not for woe.."
My mouth had gone dry.
"Plans to give you a future..
FULL OF HOPE."
...
My eyes widened as I stared at the last three words which were all in caps.
My words hung in the cool night air.
The evening breeze held its breath.
It was like the world crashed down on me.
God was a father who pushed me naked into a crowd of people. And Fate was his right hand apprentice, who stood by his side, leering at me.
...
I slowly looked up to my classmates. And they only stared back..
As if they already knew I was gonna shatter into a million pieces.
I opened my mouth and tried to talk. But the mic only amplified several incoherent squeaky sounds. My loose blue shirt was choking my torso, and my sloppy ponytail was stretching back the skin of my face.
I had no idea what to do.
Pursing my trembling lips, I frantically turned to my side..right, left, behind me..anywhere.. I was begging for help. I couldt seem to pull on my mask.. The hidden emotions inside me were bubbling to the surface, and I was about to explode.
I didnt want to explode. Not in front of all these people.
Not ever.
...
Suddenly, He was right in front of me. I was surprised I even missed seeing Him..He was right there..
All along, he was right there.
At the back of the crowd..
The only one who looked at me..and saw me. For who I really was.
...
I breathed deeply.
"When you think of Celine Estrada..what comes into your mind?"
Deep.
Tall.
Mabait.
Martir.
Mapagmahal.
Kaibigan.
Genius.
Encyclopedia.
Empie.
Hudas.
..I winced at the last one. But still laughed.
"Those are all just superficial.
Coz..
You look at me..
But you cant see..
Understand..
Im a sinner..."
...
The silence was so thick, I could cut it with a knife.
But I continued. The child was pushing herself out of her prison..pulling off her mask..
She WANTED to be seen.
Once and for all.
...
"Alam nyo ba..sa lahat ng tao sa mundo..sa tingin ko.."
I closed my eyes and listened to my own soul's silent whisper.
"Im the only one without hope."
...
...
I looked down at the glistening mic and tried to breathe deeply. But there was no stopping them..
They just..came out..
Wouldnt stop.
I could only apologize again and again to those who beheld the bittersweet scenery.
And quite surprisingly..
They werent disgusted.
"Sige lang, celine.. Ilabas mo yan."
The child peeked through her tear-stained fingers.
"Sinasabi ko nga nga ba eh..somehow..we ALL knew that you - celine Estrada - the one who was deep and kind and witty..was the one who was hiding..and going through so much.. Sabi na nga ba eh.."
...
"Alam mo ba..nagtatampo ako kay God."
Silence.
Quite suddenly, they were all around me.
Patting my shoulder..hugging me..wiping away my tears..
I looked up and saw..
They were crying too.
With me..and for me.
"Tampo talaga ako kay Lord eh..
Sabay kumikidlat na daw, haha."
They froze, looked at me through their pink eyes, and whacked me.
"Eto talagang si Celine o..anticlimactic! Nagsisiiyakan na nga kami dito, sabay nagjojoketime pa sha!"
...
...
"Celine..diba ikaw pa nga ang nagsasabi sakin na NEVER LOSE HOPE? Lam mo ba na dahil dun sa sinabi mo..nagawa kong kausapin once and for all yung minamahal ko? Hinding hindi ako papayag na ikaw ay mawawalan ng pag-asa!"
"Alam mo Cel..malakas ka. Sobra. As in. Nagawa mong daanan lahat yun, tapos ang bait bait mo pa..dont give up."
"Yknow Cel..eto lang masasabi ko.. God will not give you burdens that you cannot endure. If it doesnt kill you..it will make you stronger."
"Eh Cel..mas marami pa nga na tao jan na wala na..as in WALA na talagang pag-asa..eh ikaw, andito ka pa rin..its already a blessing.."
...
...
"Guys..okay, id like to..to..to thank..as in THANK YOU TALAGA..to this class.
Kasi..
Berks ko si Celine nang sobrang tagal na..
Pero ngayon..as in ngayon ko lang sha nakitang umiyak ng ganto.
Biruin nyo yun?
Anim..ANIM NA TAON, tingo nya to..tapos napalabas nyo..
Thank you.."
I covered my face and laughed. But seeing that she was..crying..
I handed her the damp scrunched up ball of tissue in my hand.
She stopped crying, looked down at the wad of tissue, and pursed her lips.
"Cel..kaibigan kita..mahal kita..pero please lang. Wag mo naman ibigay yang gamit na tissue sakin!"
The class roared with laughter.
But the child was smiling gently, and hugging her tight.
The mask lay forgotten on the floor.
...
...
It was dark..and a cold chill ran through the kneeling crowd.
The He was right in front of us all..standing in the darkness, illuminated by the soft candlelight glow.
One by one, they broke down and wept.
Too much love.
Too much.
...
I stared into His eyes.
*Rescue them..come to them and comfort them as You said You would.. They need You now more than ever..*
But He only stood there..looking at me.
*If You dont do some sort of a miracle to make them feel You.. they might not.. believe in You anymore..*
He just looked back at me, smiling.
The silence frustrated me.
But then..
Quite suddenly..
I understood.
...
I quietly crawled my way through the kneeling crowd and embraced this broken, weeping, lost soul.
I held her in my arms.
I tucked her hair behind her ear and whispered ever so softly..
"If God is alive through others..
Then..
God is holding you right now.."
She held on to me and wept for all she was worth.
I closed my eyes and smiled as I felt the cool night breeze blow through the room.
For once..
I felt how it was like to be an angel.
...
...
She was clutching my loose blue shirt and sobbing into my shoulder.
"Im sorry..im so..so..sorry..talaga...anlaki talaga ng kasalanan ko sayo nung grade six.."
The darkness hid my tears.
"Lam mo..grade six pa lang..pinagbigyan na kita."
She shook her head and asked: "Pano..?"
I raised my eyes to the dimly lit ceiling as the answer simply flowed out of my mouth.
"You are a creature created and loved by God..
How could I not love someone like that?"
She stared at me through red, tear-filled eyes..
Before flinging her arms around my neck and holding on to me for all she was worth.
...
...
"Tell me whats wrong.." I whispered.
I held her shaking form.
"All this time I was trying to figure out who was it I couldnt forgive.."
I bit my lip. I somehow knew what was gona come next.
"..It was me..all along.."
I closed my eyes.
*Yes..
the hardest person to forgive is yourself.*
...
...
The class' love grew a hundredfold that night.
And I only hope that in the future..we would be proud to say that this section..truly helped us become what we turn out to be.
...
...
I walked through the hallways in my pjs, strands of my hair gently falling into my face.
My classmates turned to me..and stared.
Nica even stopped dead in her tracks.
I leaned back a bit and blinked.
"What?"
They blinked back. Their mouths slightly opened in mild fascination.
"Cel..
Ang ganda mo.."
I laughed in disbelief.
"Ano ba kayo..ampangit ko kaya! Puffy pa mata ko sa kaiiyak!"
They tilted their heads, still studying every feature of my face..then my whole body.
"Di, talaga..
Bagay pala sayo chinita eyes..
Ang ganda mo pala pagtapos mo umiyak."
...
I only smiled..ever so gently..
As I gazed out through the windows..
"Thank you.." I whispered to the soft night sky.
"They are starting to see me..the way you saw me."
Somewhere out there..
halfway around the world..
across oceans of time and dimensions..
Maybe he heard me.
Maybe he was looking down on me from the faint twinkling stars..
Or maybe..
He was looking up at the same dark heavens..
Same Orions Belt..
*You are the only one who will see me..
Beautiful in my tears..*
...
Thursday, September 23
Sept. 23 Thurs.
"I feel so..cold..
But your back is so warm.." -Chidori
...
An excerpt from my other blog can speak for me.
See me..
Within the folds of my blood-splattered wings.
...
...
*icequeen once more.
retreated back into her icy lair,
on her icy throne..
staggered back to her safehouse,
her cold sanctuary..
where the trees are brittle and dressed with frost..
where the ground is hard and parched with snow..
where all life is frozen..
all heart,all memories,
all emotions,
all dreams,
all love..
eternally frozen..
by the icequeen's own tears.
...
she slumps into her throne,
exhausted, mortally wounded, and scarred..
her long ebony locks
cascading over her oval face and slender shoulders..
her chest slightly slowly rising and falling,
every breath a burden..
as she waits for the ethereal cold
to freeze her broken heart.
once more..
once more..
seal her wounds with icy tears..
seal her heart in a wall of ice..
seal her fate with a frigid kiss..
much much harder, much much colder than ever before..
so she may never hurt again.
...
she belongs here.
where she is alone.
with her eternal tears..
and frozen memories of a life so forgotten..
mercy,
mercy..
O Hope and Love,
show her mercy..
and touch her never again.*
...
Wednesday, September 22
Sept. 22 Wed.
"I will die.." –cursedchild & other
...
I sat alone on the rickety yellow-white table, stooped over a slightly crumpled piece of bond paper, my pen furiously scratching away.
I was in the zone.
For some reason, it was as if my whole being was screaming – super imposing its passion onto every darkened line and every soft or sharp angle..as if my life itself depended on the drawing..
Draw..
Draw..
Draw!
My jaw was locked, and my hand etched away with inexplicable speed and energy..
All that filled me was the grazing, tearing sound of the pen and paper..
...
...
"Huy.."
...
...
I stopped suddenly.
My hand, painfully gripping the plastic signpen, was slightly twitching, hovering a few millimeters above the torn, crumpled, ink-laden surface of the paper..
I slowly looked up.
...
I came alive and died at the same time.
...
"A..ate sop...Beija.."
It wasnt the first time they saved me from myself.
As they sat down across me, I looked down on the drawing I so furiously made.
My eyes widened.
...
It was supposed to be a simple poster draft for our project..
A 2x4in. sketch of a pregnant mother..
But as I beheld my creation..I couldnt help but be taken aback with fear.
It started out as an innocent drawing..
But now superimposed with deep dark lines, angry sketches, and riddled with nips and scratches..
I gulped..as the bloodcurdling image of a 9 year old girl flashed into my mind.
...
...
My mind and soul were peaceful for the day, but at some point..
I felt Fate's clammy fingers creep up my neck and trace my healing heart. I clenched my fist, as I mentally pushed his hands away.
"Not today, Fate..no, I wont give in to you again."
But as I beheld the bittersweet sight before me..
Ah.
It felt like a bucket of acid was splashed over me. My brain screamed, my skin burned, and my heart tore at itself from the inside.
It was like poking at a healing wound, and opening it up again with a fresh wave of pain.
I was so not ready for that.
...
...
Suddenly, I felt light and warm and fuzzy.. Like I was floating out of my body.. Like I could see myself from a distance, as I smiled warmly and turned my gaze to the side.
My eyes widened with shock, and my lips parted slightly.
There..
There in a shadowy clearing a few feet beside me.. Slightly crouching beside the cement column..
A girl.
...
I gulped as I studied her eerie features with wary eyes..
She was just a child..no older than ten years..
A dirty and bloody white dress hung loosely on her frail smymmetry; one hand clutching the smooth surface of the column beside her for support, and the other hanging limply on her side. She swayed slightly, as she sluggishly stepped up onto the grey cememented platform. Cuts and wounds riddled her body, tarnishing her skin with brown dried blood.
Every move she made opened up her wounds and stained her dress with bright crimson blotches. But she looked like she hardly cared..or noticed.
Her bloodshot eyes pierced through the strands of her messy dark locks, and were fixed on what she beheld before her. I could feel the scorching wave of anger and hatred that emanated from every molecule of her being. She clenched her fists and slowly scraped the painted cement surface beside her with long fingernails.
Her bloodshot eyes widened as a low growl seethed through her bared teeth. With a shriek of fury, she stretched her arms – talons at a ready – as she pushed herself forward with such speed..
I could only gasp ever so slightly.
...
In a flash, she was violently pulled back by yet another entity.
A tall girl in her late teens had her long arms locked tightly around the flailing, squirming child, which tried so desperately to break free.
The younger girl screamed in frustration, as she bit, kicked, clawed, and scratched..but the older girl only held on tight, silently sobbing and shedding tears from red and swollen eyes.
This older girl tried with all her might to hold on to the child, and pull her backwards. Her long-sleeved black top and long black pants clashed angrily against the ivory dress of the creature she held in her arms. Still sobbing, she bent her head over the child, and let her straight long ebony locks cascade over the little girl's head..as the creature continued to stretch her frail arms forward and desperately claw at the few feet of airspace that separated her from the bittersweet scenery.
I bit my lip at the pitiful sight.
...
With a burst of blood and a sickeningly wet tearing and crunching sound, a pair of gorgeous bloodsplattered ivory wings erupted from the older girls back.
Her ethereal scream of pain rang in my ears and shattered my soul.
But I sat there, dumbfoundedly staring at her majestic wings for a brief moment.. Right before they wrapped around both girls with a sudden gust of scarlet wind.
The sphere of feathers shimmered a brilliant white, then faded away in wisps of grey and red. And there was no trace left of the two previous entities..
But another.
...
...
She was sitting quietly right next to the concrete column, hugging her knees with her head bowed slightly.
She looked so..
normal..
With an off-white shirt and a pair of faded navy blue shorts; her long black tresses tied back in a sloppy ponytail..
But there was something about her..
That wasnt so normal.
Something about the way the stray strands of raven hair fell into her slightly puffy dark brown eyes.. The way she would press her pale lips together as a sigh escaped them.. The way she slowly turned her gaze up at me..
I couldn't look away.
...
She seemed so real and surreal at the same time.
Then her eyes turned to the bittersweet scenery beside me. I could hear every slow, laboured breath she drew..as her unblinking eyes glimmered with impending tears.
"I cannot stay here.." she whispered ever so softly with a slightly echoing hoarse voice, as she continued to stare..her tears tracing the soft lines of her cheeks and kissing the corners of her lips.
I saw her twitch in pain with every laugh and squeal that reverberated from the scenery. There was fear in her eyes..hurt, and pain..sorrow, anguish, anger, uncertainty..
"Why not..?" I asked.
But as I looked deeper..
There was something more.
...
...
"I will..die.."
There was LOVE.
...
...
Her words hung in the air, and the cruel winds dared not snatch them away.
With her diamond tears and glistening eyes.. Her trembling lips slowly forming a soft, warm smile..
She became a bittersweet scenery herself.
...
"Then go." I pleaded.. I couldnt bear to see her suffer anymore. There was nothing for her here but pain and suffering.. And she knew it.
She tore her unblinking gaze from the bittersweet scenery beside me, and slowly walked away..
"Why cant they see you?" I asked, my eyes still following her as she took step after step further and further away from me..
...
"They will never see me..
They only see YOU."
...
...
I could only look on, as she slowly faded away in the afternoon sun.
...
Sunday, September 19
Sept. 19 Sun.
"Though a mother forsake her child..
The Lord will never leave you.." -some mass song
...
After we circled the same block for the enth time, we knew we were lost.
And I hardly cared. I dreaded to reach our destination.
The thought that the military airbase was just beyond the nearby wall was drifting into my mind..and the thought of hijacking a helicopter was nothing less than tempting.
But we reached it anyway.
...
And there she was.
Standing tall and proud beside a brick column, a pearlring-studded hand clutching her new Louis Vuitton bagette..
I bit down on my lip at the sight of her rainbow-colored blouse.. as the wind wove through her short bouncy hair which she had dyed almost a hundred times over.. and as her gold necklace and bangles reflected the high afternoon sun..
Hatred won over reason.
I wanted to fling myself forward to the passenger seat, and cling to my father for all I was worth.
But she opened the car door and pulled me out anyway.
...
I stood unmoving as she called me by the pet name she gave me in a cute squeaky voice.
"Ahhh..I missed you so maaaaccchhh!"
I tried to smile.
I cringed ever so slightly as she pulled me into one of her bone-crushing hugs..
The steely coldness of her jeweled necklaces seared my skin.
...
...
Walking, talking, sitting, and just being with her made me want to shoot everyone within a five-mile radius, and spontaneously combust at the same time.
But I had to.
So I did.
...
The topics she raised were quite common..
But my answers to them werent.
"O, anong course ang kukunin mo..?"
"Medicine. Human Bio, kung pwede. Either sa UP or UST."
"Ahhh..yes.. You are going to be a pediatrician, diba?"
...
"I want to be a cardio-surgeon now."
"What..? But I remember..when you were young, you were so cute pa, gane! You said: 'I want to be a doctor of babies!' Ahahaha!"
...
"I was a kid then. I changed."
...
"O, kamusta na sa bahay..?"
"Okay naman."
"Ahh.."
...
"Kamusta na dad mo?"
"Mabuti naman. Trabaho palagi, as usual."
"Ahh..okay..okay.."
...
"Ano naman ginagawa nya-"
"MASAYA SHA."
"Oh. Okay.."
...
"So, youre 14 na, diba 'Ton? Este, 'Gel?"
...
"Fifteen. Sixteen na this year."
"Ahh..oo nga ano.. 1988 ka nga pala, 'Ton.. Este, 'Gel, pala!"
...
"Yes."
"Oo..oo..year of the Blue Dragon! Very powerful, gane!"
"...right."
"Your birthday is on October 16, right?"
...
...
"No. Its on.. On October 4."
"Ah, oo nga! Sorry..i forgot, 'Ton!"
"..."
"Ah, 'Gel pala!"
"ITS CELINE."
...
...
We spent the rest of the afternoon together, and well into the night.
I stood up from the wobbly foodcourt table, to leave at last..
My stomach was full of the food they stuffed into me, my tongue still burning with the salsa sauce I just ate, my eyes slightly drooping and heavy with sleep, and my ears still ringing with their small talk and hollow laughter of things so insignificant and horribly human and temporary and shallow..
She said she would take me to different countries..
Give me a chance to study medicine in the states..
Be the nurse who worked for me when I became a doctor..
She would be the one to design and manufacture my prom dress..
..My wedding dress..
Give me all the jewelry and accessories and echebureches I needed to be the most stunning girl at the prom..
..To be the most stunning and respectable-looking doctora..
...
...
I looked at her proud and giggly form through a thin layer of tears.
*you will never see past the gleam and glitter..you will never see me..*
But I angrily blinked them away as she daintily wiped her mouth with the napkin and stood up to say goodbye.
...
As she crushed my spine with her hug once more, I slowly closed my eyes and tried to sink into any residual warmth..love..or hope that I could possibly unearth from my heart and soul.
I thought I found something..
A tiny spark, perhaps..
But it was quickly snuffed out as my eyes fell on the piece of crumpled lipstick-stained tissue on the table.
...
...
*But oh..
It was you who made me see the bitter truth..
That I, Ma. Celine Borja Estrada..
Is not worth anything more than dirty paper.*
...
Saturday, September 18
Sept. 18 Sat.
"When its daytime..where do the stars go?" –Azumi
The soiree was okay enough..save the fact that we boiled to tender perfection in that house.
Too many guys..and so little to talk about. As in. I had a partner who did nothing but play basketball. And all we could talk about was basketball this, basketball that, and how basketball made him go to the soiree with his arm in a sling.
But there were a couple of guys who talked to me about books, movies, history, mythology and food.. Haha, least we didnt get too bored. But then, we had to split up for dinner, and my mini swiss knife was put to good use.
Full of donuts, coke, and palabok..i stepped out the house, dodged the chattering crowd, veered away from the closely-knit group of smokers..and just stood in the corner of the garden. I breathed in the cool night air, and stared up at the starry sky.
...
Beautiful.
The stars were beautiful.
The neon lights of the store across the street were bright and flashy.. The ivory paint of the iron fence before me was white and gleaming.. And I was a tall girl in a lime-green razorback..
But none of those looked anything near beautiful.
The stars were so far away..tiny and almost insignificant..twinkling, dwindling, shining feebly through the thick sheets of dark grey clouds..
But they were beautiful.
I wondered why.
...
...
The night ended soon enough, and by the time I collapsed on my bed, I was exhausted and aching all over. I hesitantly pulled the covers over me, as I thought of what I would do when tomorrow comes..
Oh I hated to think that.
Inevitably, I sank into my ancient hatred and dark memories.
...
*Some life I live* I sighed..as the warm tears slowly trickled down the side of my face. I quickly wiped them away, knowing Id be in a lot of trouble if I showed up tomorrow all sick and weak.
*I dont deserve it.
I just dont.
I dont deserve to be happy and saved like them.
I dont deserve anything more than what I have.*
I breathed deeply as my mantra took its toll. All I had to do was accept it..and the pain would slowly ebb away. Hn. The truth DOES set you free.
...
I let myself drown in my own darkness..
Such darkness I have lived with for so many years..
Such darkness nobody could comprehend..
All they see is me..drowning.
But they dont see what im drowning *in*.
...
Black.
Devoid of color.
Devoid of life and love.
Devoid of hope.
...
...
But then..right after I whispered my evening prayers..
I slowly opened my eyes, as a thought drifted into my mind.
Maybe..
Maybe someday..
When this fire has ceased burning..
When the rapids have stopped beating me down..
When this life will be at its darkest..
...
Maybe then, I would shine against the darkness and be beautiful like the stars.
...
Wednesday, September 15
Sept. 15 Wed.
"Its how I..cope." –me
CLE period..
Ms Grace: "Since Jesus is the primodial sacrament..what do you call the Church?"
Us: "Er.." *scratches heads* "Miss, first letter!"
Ms Grace: "Alright..letter F!" *writes letter F on board*
Us: "First"
Ms Grace: "Wrong.."
Us: *gives other possible F words*
Ms Grace: "No..sorry..wrong..nope.."
Me: *pause* *grins* "FRIMARY!"
Everyone: *roars with laughter*
Nina: *whacks me with her folder*
Me: *sinks into chair, laughing my head off*
...
Geom period..
Sir Mitra: "Does anybody know the answer..?"
Me: *raises hand*
Sir Mitra: *turns to me* "Yes, miss.." *looks at my ID* "Miss GROWEE VITAMINS?"
Class: *rolls on floor, laughing*
Me: *slaps hand to forehead* "Siiirr!"
...
Dismissal:
Giselle: "O, soiree na naming sa Saturday.."
Steph: "Haha, oo nga eh..kasabay ng section nina Anne at Celine.."
Maika: "Waha, sana maka abot ako!"
Them: *laughs* "Sana cute yung mga guys!"
Me: *tucks hair behind ear* "Like, ohmigosh.. Soiree na nga pala naming sa Saturday!" *claps hands* "Ayyy, I cant wait!" *giggles*
Them: *blinks* *stares at me*
(pause)
Me: "O, whatsa matter? As if naman imposible akong maging masaya, diba?" *bats eyes*
Them: *tilts head*
Maika: *mumbles to the others* "Sa bahay yan mag-eemote."
Them: *nods* *continues walking*
Me: *blinks* "KORNS! ANSAMA NYOOOO!" *laughs*
...
Beija: "Hey, sis..you just missed Sop!"
Me: *blinks* *lowers gaze*
(pause)
Me: *looks up* *smiles* "Ah, sayang! Pero..im sure she was happy with you guys kanina..and there’s always a next time, right?"
Beija: "Right.."
Me: *laughs* "Ah, but I saw her..sha ba yung naka-pigtails?"
Beija: *laughs* "Yep, thats her!"
Me: "Naka..ang cute!" *roars with laughter*
...
Home:
Me: *reads blogs, searches the net*
(pause)
Me: *lowers gaze* *tries to breathe normally* *closes eyes*
(after a while)
Me: *turns off the comp*
Ate Wilma: *looks at me* "Aba..himala ata ah.."
Me: *blinks* "Hah? Baket?"
Ate Wilma: "Kasi madalas..sa gantong oras, umiiyak ka na nang tahimik sa kwarto mo.."
(pause)
Me: *smiles* "Ay, ate talaga! Haha..di na uso yun sakin..masaya na ako!" *turns on the radio and dances to the beat*
Ate Wilma: *blinks* *laughs*
...
...
Im starting to like the way people are happy seeing me being happy.
And I just LOVE the way..
Im melting into my own mask of fake happiness.
...
Sunday, September 12
Sept. 12 Sun.
"Er..dammit, ONE BIG FIIIIGGGHHHTTT!!!" –me (very VERY girl mode)
Okay.
I hate the fact that Ateneo Blue Eagles lost to FEU by such a friggin longshot, dammit! I mean..cmon, what the heck is wrong?! They better train their brains out, coz the next game is against their arch rivals: Green Archers. And I aint gonna spend a whole month listening to my Lasalle fan friends boast about Ateneo’s loss!
...
...
He was jumping up and down and shouting for all he was worth. But nobody seemed to want to cheer anymore, since the score looked hopeless.
I knew it was hopeless.
But I stared at him, quite intrigued, I admit. I quietly studied the way his wavy jet black hair caressed his flawless marble skin, and how it softly fell into his slightly chinky dark brown eyes. My gaze traced the outline of his face; at how the sharp features of his nose, jaw, and cheeks were softened ever so slightly.
I almost pitied him as he tried his damn best to make the crowd cheer. But to no avail.
The grown ups were slumped in their chairs, and the girls were merely staring at him with goggly eyes, whispering and giggling to each other when he looked in their direction.
The look on his face was pure tragedy.
...
Was it pity?
Boredom?
Pure insanity?
I dont know.
But I did the unexpected. Pushing myself off my chair, I leapt up, paused a moment..
Before raising my fist into the air and shouting at the top of my lungs.
"ONE BIG FIIIIGGGGHHHHTTTT!!!"
...
I felt time stop dead in its tracks. For a fraction of a second, all stares were on me..a crazed girl in a white razorback, shouting and cheering for a lost cause. I saw my dads head swivel in my direction, and I knew he was about to grab me and pull me back down. But I didnt care.
I stood alone then. Alone as I always was. Against a sea of murderers, feebly fighting for a hopeless cause. I had acted according to my feelings, to my spontaneous flare of passion..hoping that if I showed just how much I wanted this, I would get it..
Slowly turning my eyes on this intriguing creature, I knew it. Deep inside my head and heart, I knew it.
...
It wasnt just the score that was hopeless.
...
...
But a few seconds later, the crowd leapt up on their feet, and started cheering and shouting too..encouraged by my bold move.
I blinked as I saw him flash me a grin.
..right before he resumed jumping up and down and shouting for all he was worth.
...
There is always hope..
Just not for me.
Thus is the fate of the Cursed Child.
Its over before it even started.
...
...
I smiled as the pounding of the drums echoed my soul..
Deep..
Resonating..
Captivating..
But hollow.
Empty.
...
Only traced with faint shadows of words..
"We stand on a hill..
Between the earth and sky.."
"Down from the hill..
Into the world go I.."
"Eyes are dry..
At the last goodbye.."
...
Saturday, September 11
Sept. 11 Sat.
"O soul, are you weary and troubled?
No light in the darkness you see?
There’s light for a look at the Savior,
And life more abundant and free!" - Lemmel
...
"Our Savior does not cast us off
Because we fail to stand the test;
Instead, He draws us back through love
That in Him we may find our rest." - D. De Haan
...
"When peace like a river attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
'It is well, it is well with my soul.'" - Spafford
...
"If you’d like to know the love of God the Father,
Come to Him through Jesus Christ, His only Son;
He’ll forgive your sins and save your soul forever,
And you’ll love forevermore this faithful One." - Felten
...
"Whenever life becomes unfair
And human judgments fail,
Remember, God will right all wrongs,
His justice will prevail." - Sper
...
"I love to dwell upon the thought
That Jesus cares for me;
It matters not what life may bring,
He loves me tenderly." - Adams
...
"Under His wings I am safely abiding,
Though the night deepens and tempests are wild;
Still I can trust Him, I know He will keep me,
He has redeemed me and I am His child." - Sankey
...
"From seeds of envy in the heart
Spring up the noxious weeds of hate;
So help me, Lord, to love the one
Whom I find hard to tolerate." - D. De Haan
...
"Think not your work of no account
Although it may be small;
The Lord marks well your faithfulness
He knows you gave your all." - D. De Haan
...
"He knows our burdens and our crosses,
Those things that hurt, our trials and losses;
He cares for every sould that cries,
God wipes the tears from weeping eyes." - Brandt
...
...
Why, I asked.
Why?
Why?
Why?!
...
Its coz im not worth more than this.
I dont deserve anything more than what I get.
...
Simple as that.
And yknow what?
That fact just made everything clearer.
...
...
I felt my muscles ache with the effect of last night's overdose..
And I knew.
I KNEW.
Theres something more to my life that I still cant see.
And life is too short..
And the few seconds right after I tilted my head back, and swallowed the bitter tickets to sweet, sweet escape..
I relived my whole lifetime.
...
There were those who wouldn't give up hoping for me..
And there were those who didn’t take me seriously at all.
And there were those who were just too happy to even notice.
...
But I still lived.
I still woke up.
Coz..
I loved them all.
...
Simple as that.
Friday, September 10
Sept. 10 Fri.
"Thats nice..but for me..there might not be a...next weekend..a next Friday..i may not have a..NEXT TIME." –cursedchild
...
Did you notice?
It’s the little things..
The teensiest things..
That hurt the most.
...
A miniscule splinter..
A solitary papercut..
A single hair yanked out..
...
A slight frown..
A wrong chord..
A small change of pitch..
A light touch..
A few hours..
A small word..
A few meters..
A few seconds..
A moment of hesitance..
A press of a button..
A slight laugh..
Even an innocent: "Pero sayo..okay lang, haha."
...
...
Shallowcuts..
All shallowcuts..
Tiny, miniscule, stubborn, hardly noticeable, seemingly insignificant..
...
My whole being..body, soul, mind, heart..
Is covered with shallowcuts.
Much like the infamous torture method of the Chinese:
The Thousand Cut Torture.
They slice a thousand tiny cuts all over your body..in different places..
So you go insane with confusion – not knowing where to focus your resistance on. It’s a slow, and agonizing process..but the victims never fail to spill their secrets..right before going mad with the overwhelming pain.
Of shallowcuts.
...
Wanna torture someone?
Dont bother with fire, spears, swords or the like.
Do what Fate did – and is still doing to me.
Tie that someone to a wall, grab a small dagger, and take your time in slashing countless tiny cuts all over their body.
Why?
...
Coz as I learned the hard way..
Shallowcuts hurt the MOST.
...
Thursday, September 9
Sept. 9 Thurs.
"Why bother waiting for someone who you know will never come..?" –me
...
*Welcome To My Life*
by Simple Plan
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
but no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desparate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and their stupid lies
Well deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but
I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like
what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
But no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like..
Welcome to my life
...
Galing, ano?
Parang..buhay ko yung kinakanta.
Pero..
Kulang pa.
...
...
And I hate it when people say sorry.
The type of sorry that says..i cant do anything to help you..
I hate it.
It makes me feel even more hopeless..
More helpless..
More worthless.
...
If you cant save me, then kill me.
If you cant do either, then..
Leave me alone.
It aint really that hard..
Lotsa people have done that to me before.
If you aint sure, dont worry..it will come naturally.
Pretty soon..youll find yourself hating me, regretting to have even met me, disowning me, and flying away.
Trust me.
You will LOVE the feeling.
...
Wednesday, September 8
Sept. 8 Wed.
"Word for the day..ABBA." –me
...
Its amazing how one word can make a difference.
...
My recess was filled with sweets, impressive masks, coveted hickies, hollow laughter, and blood-stained fingernails.
It was beyond pain.
And I knew..I KNEW I wasn’t gonna last. Not after that.
I had plunged headfirst into an ocean of thick, dark water, and there was no getting out. I let myself sink..ever so slowly..
As the people around me were taken by the hand and pulled up to heaven.. They spread their wings and flew for all they were worth..
And I was left on the ground, hugging my knees, smiling..
Smiling ever so gently at the sight and feel of rustling, ivory wings.
...
How I wish I could pick up their fallen feathers, scattered around me..only to try and make my own wings – my own happiness – with theirs.
Too bad my hands stained them with dark red blood.
...
I stared in empty space for God knows how long..before the reality crushed every inch of my being like a ton of bricks.
The breath caught in my chest and throat, making my torso burn from the inside. I could feel the anger, jelousy, and pain surge through me with such force, I was pushed to – and OVER – the brink of hatred.
Clenching my hand till my palms were raw didn’t help all that much..it..actually instilled more reason to hate. But..i didn’t want to hate..
...
...
*grins*
Why the hell not?
...
Without even thinking, the words seethed through my gritted teeth.
"You wish."
My eyes widened.
Damn..that felt good.
9:35am ... the devil won.
...
But I locked my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut. It was wrong..
I put my hands together and clasped them tight..my fingertips turned pale, and my knuckles were bruising, but I didn’t care.. I needed help. I needed..someone who could give me love..
"God..oh God..im sorry..please..help me..grant me love to overcome this hatred.."
But to no avail. The audacious words were mercilessly echoing in my head..mocking me.. snuffing out everything else.
My mind reeled. It seemed like..i was being pinned down a tar-filled barrel..right beneath the surface. Everything added up. And the endless prayers I was screeching into my mind were chopping up and trailing off.
The blood and tears had blinded me. I coulnt see God. I could only hear a sickeningly sweet whisper in my ear..
"Where is your God now..? He doesn’t even listen to your prayers. Foolish child..give in."
...
...
My lips were moving endlessly, muttering incoherent words.. But then..something resurfaced from the depths of my mind..i didn’t even know where it came from..or why I suddenly thought of it..it just did.
The word softly escaped my mouth..
"Abba.."
I opened my eyes. Quite suddenly..i felt lighter..my mind was clearer.. Now I remembered. I saw it in The Passion of the Christ. It was Hebrew for ‘father’..no, deeper than that.. “Daddy.� such a name used by Jesus to address God.. My dad says its one of the most powerful names people used for God.
"Abba.." I said it again. "please..please help me. Don’t let me give in to this..grant me strength..and love.."
I blinked. A strange sensation washed over me. Nice, and light, and..
Peaceful. It was peace.
...
For once in a long..long time..
I was happy.
Truly happy.
...
Tuesday, September 7
Sept. 7 Tues.
“It wont be long now..� –Other
...
My God.
I fear the devil is winning.
...
...
I can feel it.
The hatred..
The anger..
The pain..
The jelousy..
Liquid fire that sears through my veins.
Sends me to a euphoric high.
*She will have her vengeance. In this life or the next.*
...
This is a warning.
When you see me holding on to myself, twitching, gritting my teeth, and clenching my hands and fingers, muttering to myself..
You better take a step back.
But if you see me finally relax..see a grin gradually spread on my lips..before I slowly open my eyes..
You better RUN.
I mean it.
...
The Celine you knew is about to be burned alive.
...
...
*Bloody Kiss*
by: Other
Ive been broken,
Stolen,
Left alone to bleed.
Ive been hated,
Tainted,
Made to suffer for your sins.
And all I can do –
Is bite down hard on my tongue -
I take it all in,
I keep it all inside..
Till my mouth filled up
With scarlet cyanide.
But now Ive had enough –
I wont let you hurt me anymore,
Not anymore.
So im gonna hold you close –
So tight,
So warm,
Youre pushed to
The brink of bliss..
And ill clamp my lips on your mouth,
And make you taste
My hate –
My pain –
MY BLOODY KISS.
...
Monday, September 6
Sept. 6 Mon.
“Dont turn away,
Dont give in to the pain
Dont try to hide,
Though they’re screaming your name..
Dont close your eyes,
God knows what lies behind them..
Dont turn out the lights,
Never sleep never die.� –Whisper, Evanescence
...
The pain of knowing I will never have my happily ever after.
The pain of knowing I was never meant to be happy,
Or saved,
Or loved.
The pain of having one of the worst kinds of lives imaginable.
The pain of not being able to do anything about it.
The pain of being betrayed, hurt, and killed by the very people who were supposed to love me.
The pain of being exchanged for material crap.
The pain of being insulted day in, day out.
The pain of being the cause of misery and pain of the people I love.
The pain of knowing your wishes will never come true for yourself.
The pain of being left alone.
The pain of knowing ill never be able to escape this.
The pain of loving..
And loving too much.
...
...
The devil beckons me ever closer. He loosens the nails on my cross, and offers me relief by trickling hatred, anger, and jelousy on my wounds.
I love the feeling.
No more blood, no more wounds, no more pain.
And all I had to do was punch the words: YOU HURT ME. YOU KILLED ME. I HATE YOU. and press send.
I could almost taste it.
Id be vindicated.
And this time..everyone would care. Coz ill kill them all. How? By making them suffer..the way they made ME suffer.
The mere thought of it was making me levitate off my cross.
I love it.
...
But you know what I love more?
My God.
...
I took the golden sword and plunged it into my heart – so deep it nailed me to the bloody wood.
The crimson fire that poured out of me burned the devils hands..he cannot bear my love.
Now, he cannot bear to touch me.
I may lose hope, but may I never lose my love..
Or my faith.
...
*Ill hang on, God..for as long as You want me to.
I only ask You to give me the strength to always..
ALWAYS..
Choose to love.
No matter how much it hurts.*
...
...
++Here Lies++
Ma. Celine B. Estrada
..the one who
dared to love..
...
Saturday, September 4
Sept. 4 Sat.
“When you cry,
Id wipe away all of your tears..
When you scream,
Id fight away all of your fears..
I held your hand through all of these years,
But you still have..
All of me..� –My Immortal, Evanescence
...
I could still remember..
The moment would forever be emblazoned in my mind.
...
I pulled away from Anne and Nica, before I broke down in tears.
I wanted to be strong.
I wanted to prove that I wasnt weak.
But then..
I held my breath and awaited the inevitable.
...
God didnt let her be my classmate this year for nothing.
She turned to me from across the room, across the weeping crowd.
I breathed deeply and implored the strength not to give in to her lies, to my hatred..
But when she stepped up in front of me, and looked me in the eye..
I couldnt help myself.
It was like..after all these years, I knew exactly what I had to do.
...
She turned her face up to me..that face that haunted my nightmares for more than 4 years..that face that I wanted so much to bash in.
“Celine..� she whispered.
I gently took off her cap that shielded her eyes from me. For a moment, she looked away, ashamed to look me in the eye. But I rested my arms around her shoulders and didnt let her pull away.
*Tell me. Tell me with all your heart.* I thought.
“I..Im not good at expressing myself in actions..� she said, her voice shaking. This time, it was my turn to look away. A part of me didnt want to give her the privelege of melting my frozen heart. Not after all she did to me..
“Pero..pag sinabi ko in words..I..I REALLY MEAN IT!� the words tumbled out of her mouth, like she was making herself believe in what she was saying.
I grit my teeth. “Then..what are you trying to say?� I asked, in a low whisper, trying my best to keep my voice from shaking.
She covered her face in her hands. And through her fingers, I heard her say the only thing I ever really needed from her.
“Im sorry! Im sorry..Nung sa Grade 6..Im sorry..�
...
I slowly pressed my forhead against hers. With that single touch, she suddenly wrapped her arms around my waist and buried her face in my loose blue shirt.
“Im so so sorry..im so..so..sorry..talaga..� she whimpered into my chest, her voice squeaky and cracking. As I felt her shoulders shake with every sob, and felt her tears on my skin.. I gave up all the hatred. All the pain. All the grudges. All the..bad memories.
All I had left was love. My love for her never really went away.
I didnt fight the tears. They came pouring down my burning cheeks, and I held her closer..tighter. I never wanted to lose her as a friend ever again.
I tried to summon the strength to speak.. I tried to keep my voice from cracking as I whispered in her ear..the only words that both my heart and mind came up with.
...
...
“Alam mo..
Ang hirap..
HIRAP..
Talagang..
Mahalin ka..
...
Pero..
Mahal na..
MAHAL
Pa rin kita,
Rae.�
...
Friday, September 3
Sept. 3 Fri.
“Pare, si Celine..TINUNGGA YUNG AMPALAYA!� –Caria
Damn.
Class encounter rocked!
...
Our section held it at the formation house..which was sort of a drag, really. I mean, there wasn’t enough room for all of us, and surely not enough beds. But we were able to make ourselves fit, hehe. Anyway..
We started out with an activity: merry go round thing. Inner circle moves clockwise, outer circle moves a couple of spaces to their left, that kind of thing. And whoever we were matched with, we would talk about a certain topic ms. Jusay would give us for 4 mins. It was such a simple activity, but..it really opened the class up significantly. For some reason, it was so..easy to talk about such topics..to spill your guts for 4 minutes..
Question1: what is occupying your mind right now?
Question2: what was the most embarrassing moment of your life?
Question2: what is one decision you really regret?
Question3: if you were to die tomorrow, how would you live your life today?
Question4: how would you like to be remembered as after you die?
The last ones made me choke..and made my classmates see a whole new side of me. After that activity, we had the affirmation game. Yknow, the one where a classmate sits in the middle chair and is not allowed to speak, and everybody else says something good about her. The first ones were really serious (and very touching), but it was taking too long so we had to cut it short 4 mins of affirmation each. Even then, the time schedule couldnt accommodate everyone, so we just had the group affirmation.
We were made to stand up(all of us), and go to the person who we thought needs affirming. Well, everyone hugged and kissed pretty much everyone. There was a lot of..tears..but I decided not to cry. Coz I never cry in school. Ever. I vowed never to let a drop of tear touch a single inch of school property. First, we hugged for fun, then..I turned to Anne and Nica..
I embraced them..one in each arm. They hugged me tight, and..
Damn. I hated myself so much for making them cry.
“Celine..f-from now on..p-pakikinggan mo na kami, ha?�
“But..I always listen to you..�
“We mean – REALLY pakinggan mo kami.�
“...�
And..there was one..ah, it was inevitable. God let her be my classmate for a reason. And I knew what she would do.
I ended up breaking my vow..
And I wasnt sorry at all.
(see Sept. 4 entry)
...
When dinnertime came along, we were famished. So once seated, we conservatively scooped up some rice, forked a piece of lumpiang shanghai, and ladled a small amount of beef&mushroom. On first bite, it was heaven. And from the looks on the faces of my tablemates..they were lost in bliss too.
PARE, ANGSARAAAAAAP!!!
But of course, the food finally got finished. All too soon. I think it was Dom who stood up to put her plate in the kitchen, when one of the formation house personnel came to our table and poured more beef&mushroom in the bowl. That was the point where we twitched.
Dom: *blinks* “Wait..may refill?�
Lady: “Oo. Gusto nyo i-refill ko rin yung lumpia?�
Us: *twitch twitch* *jaws drop*
Caria: “Walangya, may refill!�
Class: *falls silent* *blinks* “May refill..?�
(pause)
Everyone: “MAY REFIIIILLLL!!!� *wolfs down on food* “Pa-refill po! Pa-refill po!!!�
Me: *laughs through mouthfuls*
We all put on a helluva lot of .2s that night!
...
After dinner, we had the amazing race. It was ingenious, ill give you that. Ang saya, sobra!!!
Each group was made up of 6-8 members, and were tied together side by side by their forearms (the leader had to be at one end). Each group was equipped with only 3 flashlights. The object of the game was to first find the class officer specified to your group at the start of the game. That officer has a station hidden somewhere in or around the formation house, and your group has to successfully finish the task given to you. If you succeed, you get a puzzle piece and the clue to the next officer you have to look for. But if you lose, you have to choose: take the puzzle piece and leave a member behind, or skip the station. When you finish all the tasks, you have to complete the puzzle and submit it.
And now...im gonna tell how it happened for our group’s point of view. *grin*
...
Okay, it started outside the formation house. We were tied together(very tightly!) by our forearms side by side. Caria, our group leader, was on the left end, and I was on the right end. When the bell rang, the lights were turned off(all the lights! Gabi pa naman yun, so the only lightsource were our flashlights!), and we scurried into the formation house. Our group looked for the officer who liked vanilla icecream. When we spotted Bianca hiding in a small clearing outside, we had reached our first station. Our task: make and eat a sandwich in 45 seconds. Sounds easy?
WRONG!
We were asked to pick three numbers from 1-5. We picked..1,2, and 5, I think. Apparently, the numbers represented an ingredient each. And we got:
Spam, mayonnaise, and SALT!
We discovered just how HARD it was to make a sandwich if youre tied to each other, and cant reach for things without raising the hands of the ones youre tied to.. First, we had to scour the ground to find the friggin KNIFE! Once we did, Caria placed the spam slices on the bread. At that point, we sorta just..froze. Kinda went braindead. Pat was holding the saltshaker, and I was holding the mayo jar.
Bianca: *looks at us* “Hello? 30 seconds!�
Us: *jolts back to reality*
Caria: “LAGYAN NYO NA MGA DUDE!�
Pat: *frantically shakes the salt on the spam*
Me: *frantically tries to wrench the mayo jar open* “AYAW BUMUKAS!!�
Caria: “Akin na!� *takes the jar* *tries to wrench it open, fails*
(pause)
Caria: *frantically taps the jar cover with the knife*
Me: *laughs my head off*
Mafe: “Akin na!� *wrenches the jar open*
Us: “YES SI MAFE! LALAKENG LALAKE!� *laughs*
Mafe: *glops mayo on spam* “Sige go, kain na!�
Us: *frantically tears pieces off the sandwich*
Bianca: “Ten..nine..eight..� *looks at us*
Us: *winces at the taste*
Bianca: *laughs* “Masarap?�
Us: “Ghaghi kha tuluhguh Byngkh!�
Bianca: *laughs even more* “Okay, you have the puzzle piece..enjoy your meal!�
Pat never ate mayo before. But we had a helluva laugh. Everyone commended everyone, and we really enjoyed it. I was still laughing as we ran to find Kate.
...
We found Kate hiding in a secluded room at the end of a corridor. When we reached her, we saw the covered Tupperware containers, and knew..it was fearfactor. *twitch*
First, we had to assign a member to take out a toothpick from a container full of crushed orange gelatin. Agot volunteered, and was kinda shocked to know that she had to do it with her MOUTH. Well, when she finally licked a toothpick out, it had a #6 taped to it. Kate uncovered the #6 tupperware, and told us we had to eat the contents in 2 minutes. What was inside?
Ampalaya and egg.
We dug in. At first, everybody thought it tasted great. But then, everybody started gagging and choking. I was the only one left munching and enjoying the food.
Caria: “h-hindi ko na kaya, mga dude..� *gags*
Madol: “Naiiyak na ko!�
Them: “ANG PANGIT NG LASA!� *chokes*
Me: *happily munches on handfuls of ampalaya* “Hindi ba kayo pinapakain ng ganto sa bahay nyo?�
Them: *stares at me* “Oh my God Celine..kaya mo?!�
Me: *shrugs* *laughs* “Thank my dad!�
Them: *continues to stare* “Grabe..sige, Celine, YOURE OUR ONLY HOPE!�
Me: *laughs*
Them: *chants* “Sige, Celine, kain lang! Kain! Kaya mo yan! Youre our only hope!�
Me: *blinks* “Hm..di mashadong masarap yung timpla..�
Them: “PLEASE CELINE, DALI!�
Kate: “Five..four..�
Me: *picks up the Tupperware, drinks up last bits*
Them: *laughs their heads off* “GRABE ESTRADA, DI KA TAO!�
Me: *grins*
Kate: “Very good! You get another puzzle piece!�
Them: “Iba talaga si Celine!�
Oh well, for once dads feeding tactics paid off, haha.
...
Our next station was Annes. She stood in the middle of the corridor beside a red timba(pardon the taglish!) full of fist-sized stones. She ordered the girls on the very ends – me and Caria – to lift an empty green timba each. We were ordered not to say a word during the activity, as our other members answered the questions Anne asked them. Well, it sounded easy enough..until we learned that for each wrong answer, Anne would (sadistically) dump two heaping handfuls of stoned in each of our timbas.
Okay, so after three mistakes, my nerves were screaming for mercy. And by the look on Carias face, her nerves werent too happy either. But still, it was fun..and ironic, hehe. Coz most of the questions..only Caria and I knew the right answer! But we werent supposed to talk!
Anne: “Okay, sino ang mga member ng AFS sa section natin?�
Agot: “Erm..�
Them: *enumerates 7 girls* “Seven ata..oo, seven.�
Anne: “Sigurado kayong seven?�
Me: *eyes widen* “Mmmmphhhh! Mph! Mphhhh!� *shakes head vigorously* *eyes rivet to Anne*
Anne: *looks at me* *grins*
Them: “Yep, sure kami.�
Anne: “WRONG.� *dumps stones in our timbas*
Them: “Hah? Baket? Sino pa kulang?�
Anne: “Haha, hulaan nyo!�
Me: “KAHARAP NYO LANG! SI ANNE!� *laughs*
Us: *laughs*
When we finally got 8 questions right, we were able to drop the timbas, get our puzzle piece, and regain circulation in our arms..and have a heck of a laugh about the interesting trivia we learned about our class.
...
Next station was Charlenes. Char stood outside a door, and made us pick out three slips of paper that contained clues about three items we were supposed to look for inside the room in 2 minutes. The catch? The room was pitch black, we were only allowed one flashlight, and three of us had to be BLINDFOLDED!
Well stupidly enough, I agreed to be blindfolded. Once inside, the group scrambled to scour the room for the pen, key, and lipgloss. And I..I just tried not to hit every inch of my skin against the walls, bed, trashcan, floor, and everybody else. I accepted the fact that I was completely helpless, and just depended on Mafe who was tied beside me. At the last second, I accidentally grazed my hand over a pillow, and heard a cluttering noise.
Char: “Guys, five seconds!�
Caria: “May kulang pa ba?�
Them: “OO! YUNG LIPSTICK!�
Me: *runs hand over pillow*
(cluttering noise)
Mafe: “AYAN! AYAN YUNG LIPGLOSS! KUNIN MO CELINE!�
Me: *turns to her* “Wish ko lang nakakakita ako, hahaha!�
Mafe: “Ay oo nga!� *reaches forward*
Them: *laughs*
Ah well, we were able to finish the task, get our puzzle piece..and develop a greater trust and respect for each other. *smiles*
...
Okay, now for the bloody task. Nikkis! She was stationed outside, and her task was by far the hardest. We had 6 minutes to turn on the gripo(ngek, pangit talaga kung taglish!), fill up 4 cups(with holes!), pass them from one person to another, and dump the water in a Styrofoam container up to a line.
Okay, so when the timer started, I scrambled across the kiosk, traced the green hose, turned on the tap, told Caria to scramble back, and we sat down in the space between the hose end and the Styrofoam cooler. Caria had the hose end, and was in charge of filling up the cups, and I was on the other side, to dump the water in the cups into the cooler and pass the cups back to Caria.
Easy enough strategy. But..there were..complications. First, it was pitch black. No way to hold our flashlights, except sticking them between our tied forearms. Second, the hose was out of control – it practically drenched Caria from the waist down. And by the time the cups reached me, they were only half filled, haha. Well, I got the knack of dumping the water..but returning the cups to Caria was another story. See..its not that easy. Cups tend to..roll in a circular manner..
Caria: *water sprays her* “Leche, basang basa na ako!!�
Us: *laughs* “Basa tayong lahat!�
Mafe: *passes cup to me* “O ayan Celine..�
Me: *dumps water into cooler on my right* *tries to roll the cup back to Caria*
Cup: *rolls PAST Caria*
Them: “Celine! Tila ata galit ka sa mundo! Easy lang, haha!�
Me: “Haha, okay..� *rolls the cup gentler*
Cup: *rolls around in a circle*
Them: *laughs* “Ibang klase ka talaga mag-rolyo, Estrada!�
Oh well, we finally got to fill the cooler up to the line. But then, we realized we had to turn off the tap too! So we scrambled (faster this time!), turned off the gripo, and scrambled back. Tadaaa! A congratulations from Nikki, and a puzzle piece! (And a midnight shower too.)
...
Okay, last station was Che-ches. Since another group was still completing the task, we had time to sit down, and try to piece together the puzzle. By the time we heard loud voices singing kiddie songs..we knew the task was gonna be hard.
So, the task was easy enough. We stood infront of a long table, a pair of rubbershoes infront of us each. Our instructions were in 3 minutes..tie and UNTIE the pair of shoes together. The catch? Damn.
GRABE YUNG CATCH.
We had to sing the whole time! The singing should never stop, or else we lose. And another thing..our thumbs were scotchtaped to our pinkies.
Me: *eyes widen* “How in the world can we do this with our fingers like..THIS?!�
Cheche: *laughs* “ah basta, kayanin nyo yan!�
Us: *blinks* *looks down on shoes* “Er..�
Cheche: “TIMESTARTSNOW!� *laughs*
Us: *rips out a shoelace from the pile* *frantically tries to weave them into the shoes*
Cheche: “I cant hear you singiiiiing!� *grins*
Us: “ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT, GENTLY DOWN THE STREAAAAM! MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY MERRILY, LIFE IS BUT A...ANG HIRAP!�
Cheche: “ay, bawal tumigil!�
Me: “TWENGKEL TWENGKEL LETEL STAR! HAW AY WANDER WAT YU AR!�
Them: *laughs their heads off*
Mafe: “A B C D E F G..� *twitches* “Cel, wag mong itaas yung kamay mo please!�
Me: *laughs* “Sorry, sorry..� *lowers my hand closer to the shoes* “Ayan..�
Mafe: “Ayan, thanks!�
Cheche: *looks at us* “Aba..very good..�
Caria: “Dudes, kumanta pa kayo!�
Me: “UNAFFECTED!� *laughs*
Them: “Pano yun?�
Me: “Ahem. THERE NEVER SEEMS TO BE, BECAUSE WHAT I BELIEVE, A MOMENT IM NOT TRYING..TAPOS KO NA!!� *rips laces off*
At the last second, we helped each other rip the laces off the shoes..Yes! we won the last puzzle piece! We completed the puzzle, got declared 2nd place, and got untied. Wow..we never knew how so much fun could bond people so much.
...
After the game, we settled down and discussed our reflections on what we learned. Apparently, the stations stood for different aspects..
Biancas (sandwich making) stood for unity, as you help each other make and eat the sandwich. And we learned something..interesting about that station. The other numbers stood for.. Ketchup and peanut butter! Just imagine if we got a combination of ketchup, mayo, and peanut butter..*shudder*
Kates (fear factor) stood for moral support, as the members encourage each other to eat the disgusting food. Actually, we had it lucky. The other Tupperware containers had things like: isaw (chicken intestines), balut (underdeveloped duck eggs), and betamax!
Kriska: “Grabe..akala namin BROWNIES yung betamax! Kaya sige kami nang sige!�
Them: *laughs*
Kriska: “sabay, biglang..angpangit nang lasa! Shucks, di pala brownies!�
Them: *rolls on the floor, laughing*
Me: *blinks* “Ano ba yung betamax?�
Char: “Nilutong dugo ng manok.�
(pause)
Everyone: *eyes widen* *gags* “YAAAK!�
Me: *holds throat* “Grabe! Ang sarap nang brownies!�
Agot: “Yung samin kaya, grabe! Ampalaya!�
Class: *winces* “Nakaya nyo?�
Pat: “Anong nakaya?! Nag iiyakan na nga kami eh!�
Class: *roars with laughter*
Mafe: “Pero ibang clase si Celine! Hindi tao!�
Them: “OO! Grabe!�
Caria: “Si Estrada, TINUNGGA BA NAMAN YUNG AMPALAYA!�
Everyone: *rolls on floor, laughing*
Annes (timbas and stones) stood for accepting the faults of others, as the girls who held the green timbas shouldered the mistakes of their team members.
Chars (blindfolded item search) stood for trust, when we had to trust our groupmates on leading us around while we were helplessly blind.
Nikkis (cup in water passing) stood for teamwork, when we had to strategize how we go about passing the cups and filling up the cooler with water. Well, apparently, we ALL got drenched. *grin*
Cheches (shoe tying) stood for..well..honestly, I forgot. Something to do with teamwork and being cheerful about your work. And probably something to do with breaking your fingerbones.
...
Well, after the activity, we had a midnight snack of sickeningly sweet desserts. Then we trudged back to our rooms, some of us took a bath, while others – like me – collapsed straight to bed.
But..even then, the action still didnt end. At some point, I was about to drift off to sleep..
Other room: *banging sounds*
Me: *pops one eye open*
Other room: *thuds*
Voices: *very wrong sounds..*
Cais voice: “Aleli..�
Me: *eyes widen* “HOY! ANONG GINAGAWA NYO JAN?!�
Them: *roars with laughter*
Cais voice: “Cel...wanna join us..?�
Me: “NO THANK YOU!�
Us: *laughs our heads off*
When I finally had enough courage to sleep (coz I was terrified, it was pitch black outside the window, man!), I closed my eyes and went blank. Next thing I knew, Camille had opene the door, and was waking me up. I took a bath, and we all went down for breakfast (no refills this time), then made our class Wish Tree.
I dont know why, but..everybody seems so..different in the morning. I dont know about everybody else, but I notice it. I entered the dorm quarters and chatted with Cheche and Krissel a bit, then looked at my classmates around me – some were texting, rubbing the sleep off their eyes, walking around in towels, some were sleeping, and some were..ehe..lathering lotion on their skin. *twitch* But with the sunlight pouring through the windows..I dont know..
Everyone looked so..
Perfect.
Beautiful.
I couldnt help but smile.
...
And the fact that I got an 86 in Filipino in the card didnt wipe that smile off.
Oh, and..
The souvenir was a killer.
Icequeen out.
Thursday, September 2
Sept. 2 Thurs.
"This aint ketchup, sis." -me
...
She lied to me.
*spin around*
(Celine naman..Kailangan ba nyang mag-sorry para pagbigyan mo?)
*spin around*
(I looked for you everywhere..)
*spin around faster*
Hes dead.
*spin, spin, spin*
(Gotta go, bye...)
*spin faster, faster, faster*
(Cel, please...)
*spin around, around, around*
I watched them leave.
*spinspinspinspinspinspin*
(Did you see her? Shes crying..)
*spin faster, around and around, more more more!*
...
I squeezed my eyes shut as the world shoved its way around me in a merciless grip..
I staggered around the Assumption logo before collapsing on my knees.
For a while..
I was free of the pain.
...
...
The red stain on my blouse collar isnt ketchup.
...
Wednesday, September 1
Sept. 1 Wed.
“A second longer in that embrace, and I would have rammed that pen into their necks. And I know you can feel it..very soon..you wont be able to stop me.� -Other
...
I lied.
I wasnt okay at all.
...
...
I was staring straight ahead, letting the bittersweet spectacle slowly blur through my eyes...
Letting it emblazon itself into the shattered pieces of my heart and soul.
...
As the white-hot sensation inevitably crept over my chest and throat,
I absent-mindedly traced my finger along the inside of my mouth, which seemed to fill with a deep, sharp taste.
And as the image finally vanished into the soft curve of the landscape, I slowly lowered my eyes on my hand.
My cold fingers were like pale-rose porcelain..
...
I was almost sad as the drizzling rain gently washed away the bright crimson stain that angriliy clashed against the pallor of one of my fingers.
...