Friday, July 30
Jul. 30 Fri.
“And all I can taste is this moment...
And all I can breathe is your life...
But sooner or later it’s over,
I just don’t wanna miss you tonight...� –Iris, Googoo Dolls
...
She held my hand.
And gently wrapped her fingers around my wounded wrist.
It felt like...I was slipping into a warm bath.
Heaven.
...
I tried to hold her...
But she pulled away.
I could only laugh along with her.
It was just a game.
...
But I didn’t want to steal her pain then...
I just wanted to...
To truly feel her.
She pulled away.
...
...
Did she know that my eyes were gently closed...
Just before she wrenched her hands from my grasp?
...
Wednesday, July 28
Jul. 28 Wed.
“I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true... That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind...If you lose your way, Think back on yesterday... Remember me this way...� –Remember Me This Way
...
I kept my word.
I kept my word.
I kept my word.
I hung on till Wednesday.
It hurt...
Like nothing any of you can ever imagine.
...
But I endured it.
I kept my word.
Take that, Fate.
Take that, Pain.
And Death...
Take me.
...
...
By the end of the day, I was slumped on the floor, against my bedroom wall.
Clutching my cute crimson cure.
I opened my hands and unclenched my fingers.
I showed God everything that I hid from everybody else.
All the pain, the hurt, the sacrifice...
I was chanting.
Repeating over and over, muttering, whispering, screaming...
“What say You, Lord?�
...
All I heard was the soft murmuring of the warm afternoon air.
I don’t know how long I lay there, motionless...
My arms spread wide open, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, tears slowly trickling down the sides of my head and into my hair, lips slightly twitching as I muttered my mantra...
...
I pounded my fist on the floorboard.
“WHAT SAY YOU, LORD?!
YOU SEE ME, DON’T YOU?
YOU FEEL ME, DON’T YOU?
YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT IM GOING THROUGH, DON’T YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT I DID, DON’T YOU?
WHAT I SACRIFICED?
WHAT I ENDURED?
DON’T YOU?
DON’T YOU?!
ANSWER ME!
WHAT SAY YOU?!�
...
He didn’t answer.
I curled up on my side, my lungs and heart racking mercilessly with my sobs.
Quite suddenly, I stopped.
My expression calmed, and my mind went numb.
I made a choice.
I chose to end it.
...
...
For my last farewell...
Love won over.
I tried to hide it still...
I didn’t want her to go through the pain of knowing that I was dying and she couldn’t do anything...
She didn’t deserve it. She was meant to be happy.
What does that make me?
Martyr?
Angel?
Saint?
No.
Just an idiot who loves too much.
...
Eventually, she found out.
“Celine! Please don’t do this...�
I could only smile.
I tried my best to comfort her...
I didn’t want it to end so painfully for her.
“Alam mo ba...nakita kita...ang saya saya mo...�
She was begging me not to go.
“Get help...�
I was beyond help.
The ivory buttons of the keyboard were already daubed with my crimson life.
“...mahal kita...sorry hindi ako...nakapag-goodbye sayo...nang maayos...�
I tried to hold her close, imagining I really was there with her...
Death could take me, and I’d be happy.
...
...
She pushed me away.
I was stunned.
But I didn’t blame her.
I was happy...that she finally learned to hate me.
But...
I was wrong.
“Do you hate me now?�
“Never.�
“Then push me away.�
...
She held on to me.
“I don’t want you to die...�
I couldn’t understand.
But I realized that if I let myself die...
She’d get hurt.
I didn’t want her to go through any amount of pain that I endured.
...
As I frantically patched up, I could only wonder...
Why she was thankful that I lived...
In the end, I was the one holding on to her...
The only one who understood.
“Please...Please don’t leave me...�
She held me close.
“I’m here...�
...
Somehow...
I had a feeling that was what God had to say.
Tuesday, July 27
Jul. 27 Tues.
“So what should I do,
just lay next to you as though
I'm unaffected?� –Unaffected, Hoobastank
...
I hurt them.
I hurt them all.
And pretty soon...
They’re gonna hate me...
And leave.
...
My friends were almost in tears, as they tried to convince me to get over her, to move on, to stop huting, to forget...
Forget...
I couldn’t do that.
Never.
I may suck at history, birthdays, and memorizing important dates, but...
I sure as hell don’t forget the things that MATTER MOST.
...love...
...
They told me to love myself, for once.
To be happy...for my own sake...
I didn’t know what to say...what to do...
I loved them. I loved them so damn much. I didn’t want their attempts to be futile, I knew perfectly well how sincere they were. How much they cared for...and loved me...
...
*looks at hands*
*clenches fists*
I hate myself.
For hurting them.
For being the one who drags them with me to the depths of depression and despair...
But I had to heed them.
...
Besides...
We all knew SHE wouldn’t at all be affected if I leave, or inch away...
I doubt she’d even notice.
She’s happy now.
And her life would be so much happier without me in it.
And as my friends said...
Vice versa.
...
...
I tried.
It hurt to turn my back to her.
It took every ounce of my willpower not to cry out in pain...not to run away...
I endured it. It was for the best. It hurt like friggin hell, but hey. She’d be HAPPY...
But she...
She hardly noticed.
...
I hid it all behind the best mask ever.
A shrug and a smile.
With a high, bouncing, swishing ponytail.
...
...
By dismissal, I was full to bursting.
I gently lay my books and bag down on the steps of the Multi with trembling hands.
Then suddenly...
“Celine...�
I turned at the sound of my name. I looked up and I saw...
An angel.
...
There were no words...I was stunned at how extremely kind God was, and just how sadistic Fate was.
I pulled her close, rested my head on her shoulder, and closed my eyes.
“Ate Sop...you have no idea just how...� I trailed off. It all seemed to weigh me down. “...ate...pwede ba makatulog na lang sa hug mo?�
God knew just how much I needed to see her that day. Especially with what happened after...
...
...
They were laughing, and teasing, and being so damn happy with each other. I beheld it all...
My heart broke.
I heard it crack.
*I’d never be the one who makes her smile like that...*
My cheeks burned with searing blood. A five-inch nail was being rammed into my aorta again.
I could...taste blood at the back of my throat.
But I just put on the best mask ever, and just tousled my thoughts, frantically drenching the tattered pieces of my pain and anguish with love...
I was shaking.
Could hardly breathe...
But I chose to love.
...
I walked on to God knows where, feeling so empty...
I was half-afraid I’d float to the sky; like I was walking on tufts of clouds.
I was going insane.
Before I knew it, I was popping piece after piece after piece of Mentos Grape in my mouth.
And through the half-masticated wad of grape-flavored candy, I was singing at the top of my lungs...the only song that was ringing in my head.
Amazing how Fate gets a song stuck in your head at just the right occasion.
...
“So WHAT SHOULD I DOOOO?!
Just LAY NEXT TO YOU, as though
I'm UNNNNAFFECTEEEEED??!�
...
I threw my head back and cursed the sunny sky.
The only thing that kept me alive was my word to te sop that I would live till Wednesday, when she’d visit.
...
“And WHAAAAT SHOULD I BEEEEE?!
IF THEY’RE JUDGING ME, AS THOUGH IM
UNNNNAFFECTEEEEEEED?!�
...
My voice reduced to a murmur at the end of the day.
“And what...should I do...
I’m not...unaffected...
And who should I...be...
I’m not...
Not...
Not...unaffected...
Unaffected...�
...
Monday, July 26
Jul. 26 Mon.
“I dare you to move
I dare you to move…
Like today never happened…� –Dare you to Move, Switchfoot
…
I was happy, and smiling, and laughing today.
I even had my hair in a high ponytail.
Everybody said it looked good on me.
I was happy.
Everybody else thought otherwise.
…
…
*I dare you to move like today NEVER HAPPENED.*
Jul. 26 Mon.
“I wanted you to know
That I love the way you laugh...� –Broken, Seether/Amy Lee
...
Two of my friends and I were fixing up in the washroom, in front of the mirrors.
We were discussing about perfection.
“Perfect siya. Matalino, maginoo, gwapo, talented, nakakatawa, sobrang bait...�
“Akin, perfect din...sobrang funny, may itsura, honors class, talentado, napaka polite at sensitive...�
...
I stared blankly ahead.
“Akin...perfect na rin...� I whispered.
They turned to me and stared.
“Eh diba...marami siyang flaws..?�
...
I lowered my gaze.
“Oo. Marami nga...�
Silence.
“Pero mahal mo pa rin?�
I closed my eyes.
“Oo.�
They tilted their heads in confusion.
“Eh bakit?�
...
“I love her flaws because...�
I opened my eyes and smiled.
...
...
“Her flaws are what make her perfect.�
Sunday, July 25
Jul. 25 Sun.
“Well, for once...here’s something you don’t know! I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU!!� –an old friend of mine...*twitch*
I just remembered...
...
He told me he was in love with me.
I was stunned at his courage.
He already knew very well he didn’t have hope.
But he didn’t care.
He loved me.
...
With tears in my eyes, I pulled him close.
I felt his body stiffen at my touch.
“I’m...I’m sorry...�
...
I heard his heart break.
...
I heard it break everytime he saw us together.
Us...happy and saved.
He would just lean against a wall and stare.
I tried my best to comfort him.
He would only smile.
But I could feel the pain he tried so hard to hide.
I couldn’t do anything for him...
It couldn’t be helped.
I tried to lessen his pain by being there for him...
But it only gave him false hopes.
Hurt him more.
He was always there for me,
Waiting...
I never came.
...
...
Now I know how he felt.
Saturday, July 24
Jul. 24 Sat.
“its such a shame that u cant
be with me tonight...
im spinnin round in cycles,
hope u change your mind...
b4 the show is over,
i look around -
its u i thought id find...� –Two Trick Pony, Sandwich
...
I put down the shotglass on the countertop with a faint “chink!�, as the warm liquid seared its way down my throat. I closed my eyes, as I felt my insides slowly burn with the virgin tequila I just straight-upped.
I could hear girls giggling beside me - probably taken by my looks, demeanor, or the fact that I brushed aside the salt and lemons, and was silently downing shots of hardcore booze. I ignored them. Damn whores...
One of them came up to me, coyly tucking her bleached curls behind her ear, which was sagging at the weight of her huge jingly earrings.
“So...� she said, as she noisily chewed on a pink wad of gum. “Hot studs like you come here often..?� She started to twirl strands of her fake blonde hair.
I rolled my eyes. How pathetic.
I sighed with impatience, as she started to blab on about how I looked just like that guy she saw playing the bass guitar on MTV. But before I could give some lame excuse to have to scurry as far away from her as possible, a loud “chink!� came from the seat behind me.
“Oh brother...how puh-thetic...�
I slowly turned. I heard the other girls gasp at the initial sight. And quite honestly, I would’ve gasped with them.
A girl had slammed her shotglass on the countertop, and was slightly bending over as she was slowly trying to get up from her seat. Her long, somewhat tangled black hair was cascading down her bowed head and hunched shoulders. She looked like an excerpt from some horror flick. She straightened up, her hand leaning on the bar for support, and continued in the same soft, low tone, which was slightly slurred with her being drunk.
“Why don’t you get him to feel you up now, if you’re that friggin desperate...�
Obviously offended, the other girls scoffed away. But...I hardly cared. I was staring at her, as she laughed softly under her breath. I didn’t know why, but...I couldn’t take my eyes off her. There was just something so...oddly fascinating about her...so familiar...
I watched as she ran a silver-ring studded hand through her shiny dark locks. My eyes widened a bit, and my head slightly tilted to one side. She wasn’t drop-dead gorgeous, but...
A few strands of ebony hair caressed the sides of her oval face, softly blending with her creamy mocha skin. Her pale-rose lips were slightly pressed against each other, still glistening with a few drops of the Peach Vodka she just drank. Her dark lashes and half-closed eyelids failed to hide the piercing hollow gaze of her cold, dark brown orbs.
But...there was something about her that was...sad. Something about the way a faint sigh would escape her lips, and the way they would ever so slightly curl into a soft ghost of a smile. Something about the way her hair would cascade down, strand by strand, elegantly veiling her face. Something about the way her cold gaze would soften with her faintly glistening tears...
Beautiful.
There was no other word for it.
...
*I want...to move on...*
Quite suddenly, her head swiveled to the direction of the dancefloor.
*Not realizing I was moving too slow...*
Recognizing the song, a grin spread on her face. She threw her head back and laughed. “Haha, I LOVE THIS SONG!� She exclaimed. And with that, she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, straightened up best she could, and strutted – half staggered – her way into the crowd of writhing bodies.
*Tried to...hang on...*
I craned my neck a bit, to get a better view of her through the mass of people, nodding her head to the beat.
*But there was nothing left for me to hold...*
She had her eyes closed, as she raised her hands; her slender body swaying to the melody of the song. I could see her lips mouthing the lyrics.
*It’s such a shame that you can’t
Be with me tonight...*
She slowly ran one hand down the top of her head and traced the curve of her neck.
*I’m spinnin’ round in cycles,
Hope you change your mind...*
She thrashed her head to one side, her hair softly whipping against the humid air.
I could only watch in silent awe, as she let the song and her emotions take over her body. As she sensually danced her heart away, ignoring both the perverted and disgusted looks people threw at her. As the strobe lights sparkled through her twirling fingers and tangled hair, caressing her silhouette and casting soft shadows against the dance floor. As she threw her head back and laughed for all she was worth.
As she spun around again and again and again...
*Before the show is over...*
Without thinking, I got up and started to walk towards her. I pushed my way through the crowd until I was right beside her. I didn’t know why, but there was something wrong... Somehow I could hear her calling out, calling out to me...
*I look around...*
I stood beside her crazily spinning and laughing form, getting the crazy urge to grab her by the shoulders and pull her close. Consumed by her spinning, laughing, drunkenness, and emotions, she inevitably tripped and suddenly froze in her place in front of me. She slowly raised her pale, tear-stained face to mine.
“You...� she muttered through quivering lips. “I...know...you...� she whispered, her eyes brimming with tears once more. At that moment, it seemed as if everything was still. The music had faded, the people were immobile in their place, the lights had stopped flashing... It was only the two of us, lost in each other’s gaze.
I smiled. “I finally found you.�
...
*It’s you I thought I’d find...*
With a soft gasp escaping her gently smiling lips, she swooned into my waiting arms.
...
Friday, July 23
Jul. 23 Fri.
“Crawling in my skin
These wounds will never heal...
Fear is how I fall,
Confusing what is real...� –Crawling, Linkin Park
...
*RUN.*
That was the only thing echoing in my empty mind, as I rushed out the classroom door.
*Run where?*
I was absent-mindedly slamming my books and pack of chocolates against my folder and bag.
*Anywhere but here.*
...
I could hear their laughter echoing from the other side of the wall. They were coming out, gonna get their things, or probably look for me...
I rushed to the wide-open door of the Yr. 1 washroom. I bent over the last sink. I felt sick to my stomach.
I leaned forward until my forhead touched the cool mirror.
*Do not feel affected, do not get hurt, do not hate her, do not get jelous...*
I felt that if I said it again and again, my mind and body would obey.
*You can’t give in now, not when you lasted a whole friggin day without feeling sad...*
...
I bashed my head against the mirror. Dammit, Fate!
I crawled into the corner of the last stall. I sat there, curled up and hugging my knees. I even clamped my hands over my ears just to stop hearing their voices outside.
*Leave me alone...leave me alone...*
I didn’t know how long I stayed there. When I finally summoned my strength to get up, I walked back to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.
My hair was cascading over half of my face and shoulders. The one eye that was visible was...dark and empty.
An odd silence crept into my ears, into my very skin.
*End it now.*
I knew what was in my pocket.
I raised my left forearm, and pushed down the wristwatch, baring my wrist.
Just then...I stopped.
I stared at the scar...
...
*It was fading...*
Pretty soon, it would just be another faint ghost of a scar, then it would disappear...like it was never there...
But the pain it represented would always be there.
I breathed deeply.
All I had to do was put on a mask.
*It’s easier than you think.*
I laughed softly.
...
But my heart...
Quite suddenly, I doubled over in pain, clutching my chest. I winced and bit my lip as a stunningly sharp, almost unbearable pain seared its way across the left side of my chest...where my heart was.
It felt like a 5-inch nail was being rammed into my aorta.
When it finally ended, I was clinging onto the sink for support. I finally admitted something.
And for once...it was the truth.
...
*I may not choose to live,
I may not choose to hope...
But by God...
I choose to LOVE.*
Thursday, July 22
Jul. 22 Thurs.
“How many times did I pray
You'd find me?
How many wishes on a star...� –You First Believed
...
I wonder when will it finally register in my head that
MY WORDS MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO YOU WHATSOEVER...
Yeah, I wonder.
I try again and again.
I don’t know why anymore.
...
I know that I don’t have hope, and that I never will...
But why do I still find myself trying?
Maybe I’m just trying to be a friend, trying to show you that you’re worth much more than you think, trying to convince you that you are something worth loving...
Or maybe I’m just so addicted to the pain?
Or maybe...there’s this teensy part of me that still believes...
...
Aaah, ffu*k.
Forget it, dammit. I should just forget it all.
Just like all the others, I should just forget.
They all made it look so damn easy...
...
But...how could I forget you?
"You First Believed"
How many times did I pray
You'd find me
How many wishes on a star
Gazing off into the dark
Dreaming I'd see your face
Safe at home unafraid
Captured in your embrace
So many times
When my heart was broken
Visions of you
Would keep me strong
You were with me all along
Guiding my every step
You are all that I am
And I'll never forget
It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to be
It was you looking in my eyes
You held my hand
And showed me life
And I've never been the same
Since you first believed
There were times
When I'd thought I'd lost you
Fearing forever was a dream
But it wasn't what it seemed
Placing your hand in mine
You could see in the dark
You were guiding my heart
It was you who first believed
In all that I was made to be
It was you looking in my eyes
You held my hand
And you showed me life
And I've never been the same
Since you first believed
How many times did I pray
You'd find me
How many wishes on a star
...
Somehow...
No matter how much it all hurt, how much it killed me, how much its STILL killing me...
No matter how goddamn hopeless it is...
I don’t want to forget you.
...
Wednesday, July 21
Jul. 21 Wed.
“Oh, ate...pwede ba makatulog na lang ako ngayon, habang hug kita?� –me
...
I got killed.
Again.
But Ate Sop was there. She hugged me, and I wanted to melt right then and there. Fall asleep in her warm embrace...
I nearly broke into tears as I was hugging her.
But I didn’t, coz I never cry in school.
And coz...I was ashamed to cry in front of her. My idol.
I was scared. That she’d get hurt and leave me.
...
As I was leaning against the railing, I stared blankly straight forward at the overcast sky. As the wind whipped against my PE uniform and tangled hair, something dawned on me...like somebody was whispering to me, like a certain truth was injected into my head.
*If I glance upward, I’d see my answer.*
But I didn’t glance upward. Instead, I stepped up on the railing and bent over to see the people walking on the ground floor below. I saw Les walking with her busmates.
I shouted her name, but she didn’t hear me.
Just then, I turned my gaze on the people Les was walking to.
And there she was. Si Idol.
...
The person who was everything I ever wanted to be...
But I could never be.
...
Ang saya talaga nila.
Sinigaw ko pangalan nila, pero di nila ako narinig.
Nagtatawanan sila.
Andun lang ako, nakabitin na parang timang, naka-tulala lang habang naglalakad sila paalis, palayo sa akin...
Kinawayan ko na lang sila.
...
There was my answer.
They all leave.
*closes eyes*
...
But as the barkada whisked me away, I looked up at the windows above the railing where I was leaning.
My eyes widened a bit, as I saw...
...
A butterfly.
Tuesday, July 20
Jul. 20 Tues.
“So much for my happy ending...� –My Happy Ending, Avril Lavigne
...
There was a song stuck in my head.
And all day long, I was humming it, muttering the words I knew, over and over.
I didn’t even realize how DANGEROUS the lyrics were.
Until...
Inna: “Oh, I love that song! Gusto mo, bigyan kita ng lyrics?�
I read the lyrics and...well...
The first part hit home.
The last part spoke of moving on, getting over, finding hope...
The last part didn’t hit home.
It never will.
...
“Out of Reach�
-Gabrielle
Knew the sign wasn’t right
I was stupid for a while
Swept away...by you
And now I feel like a fool.
So confused
My heart’s bruised
Was I ever loved by you?
Out of reach, so far
I never had your heart...
Out of reach, couldn’t see
We were never meant to be...
Catch myself from despair
I could drown if I stay here...
Keepin’ busy everyday
(I know I will be okay)
So much hurt, so much pain
Takes a while to regain
What is lost inside
(and I hope that in time
You will be out of my mind
And I’ll be over you)
Out of reach, so far
You never gave your heart
(In my reach, I can see
there’s a life out there for me)
...
*That day when you told me those 4 little words...
Everytime I see you two together, happy, so very much in love...
I know we weren’t meant to be.
...
I was just too damn fu*kin stupid to accept it.*
Monday, July 19
Jul. 19 Mon.
“I don’t get crushes. I either love, or...fall in love.� –me
The class still had a major hangover from the soiree. They were rambling and exclaiming on and on about the guys they had a crush on. And about who the guys had crushes on.
The girls the guys mostly fell for:
Aleli, Mafe, Jackie, Kriska.
The guys the girls mostly fell for:
Paul, Michael, Reekoi, Butch, Virgil.
I couldn’t believe it. We all just met! And now everybody’s got crushes? A lot of my classmates were jelous of me, coz Michael was texting me, and about what he said (that he felt really comfortable talking to me).
“Ano ba yan, wag kayong mainggit! Wala akong gusto sa kanya! Gusto nyo, sa inyo na lang siya!�
...
At dismissal time, my berks and I were seated on the Multi steps. As I listened to them congratulate me about my ‘accomplishment’ on meeting a lot of guys, I was grinning. But when they asked me who my crush was, I said “wala.� Jokingly, they just teased me, saying I shouldn’t be such a man-hater...and that they were sure that I had a crush on at least SOMEBODY from that soiree...maybe that guy I posed with, perhaps?
“Guys...I don’t get crushes. If the feeling is more than an aquaintance, I either love, or...fall in love.�
They fell silent, some of them thinking I was too deep and serious. But I was struck with what Anne said...
“Alam mo...hindi maganda yun. Masasawi ka lang.�
...
I smiled.
That was so true.
Sunday, July 18
Jul. 18 Sun.
“Sayang naman...� –me
...
I was dreaming.
I was sitting on a wooden table, downing a shot of tequila. I knew why. I was using it as an outlet for my depression. She was happy with her savior again, and I was alone with my bottle of booze.
Just then, I changed. I morphed into her. She was the one downing the shot of tequila, looking like the whole world crashed down on her. She looked a helluva lot sadder than me.
The scenery changed. I was in front of the Multi, ang it was raining so damn hard. I was waiting for somebody in the rain, getting drenched and practically freezing. I was shivering like heck, but I still stood there, still waiting for her. She never came. She was happy with her savior somewhere. I hung my head.
Just then, I changed again. I morphed into her again. This time, she was the one standing in the rain. But she had a navy blue umbrella over her head. But it didn’t do much good, though, coz she was still getting drenched as ever. She wasn’t as wet and cold as I was, but she looked much sadder than I did.
Somehow...it felt like she was waiting for someone too...
Me.
...
If I endure all this pain and suffering in secret just for you to stay happy...
Then when the time comes, if I point a loaded gun to my head in front of you...
And give you the warmest smile, filled with all the love I feel for you...
If I whisper “Be happy...� before pulling the trigger...
If I let my limp, lifeless body fall into your arms...
...
Would you care?
Would you cry?
Would you hold me close?
Would you beg for me to come back?
Would you finally realize all the things I did, felt, and edured for you?
Would you finally...
Love me?
...
Saturday, July 17
Jul. 17 Sat.
“Uyyyyyy!!! Si Celine, o! Omigosh! BAGAY KAYO, SOBRA!!! YESSSSS!!!� –my classmates *twitch*
One word.
Soiree.
*hides*
...
Okay, okay, I know. The IceQueen? In a soiree?! NO FRIGGIN WAY, MAN!
But I was. My bro forced me. And...he also forced me into an outfit quite unacceptable...
Pink.
Spag.
Strap.
...
Damn. I made the sign of the cross right before I stepped into the room. And when I did...
The class erupted. They all gawked and stared shockingly – some even hungrily at me. I sank into a highchair as they hurled praise after praise at me. I guess I just wasn’t used to all of it...especially after what happened with my dad earlier in the morning.
I glanced over at the other end of the room, and just laughed. The guys from LaSalle were lounging around on the other end, fiddling with their band instruments and eating candy, as we – the ahem. GIRLS – were all scrunched up in a tiny corner, nervously fixing their hair and eyeing the guys. I couldn’t help but analyze. It was nature’s way, ne? For survival, you must stay with your own species. I didn’t know about these other nervous wrecks, but I sure as heck aint a specie.
I stood up, roamed around, plastered a sweet smile, and went over to their ‘territory’. For what?
*raises eyebrow* to get CANDY, of course! What were you thinking?
Opening prayer made me grin. All I could remember were the last words the host muttered into the mic:
“Saint John de LaSalle...� he looked up at us.
I nervously glanced at some of my classmates who were avid Ateneo fans. They didn’t look too happy...
“Pray for us.�
But then...the host smirked and muttered:
“Mother Marie Eugenie...�
We all grinned and muttered a louder “Pray for us!� back.
When the party finally began, we formed a circle for the introductions game. The girls were supposed to pass around a plastic bag filled with an item from the guys. The guy whose item we picked would be our first partner. I unearthed an ID of this guy who played in a band. But when Anne came in late, I just gave her the ID, and got another item for myself. This time, it was a thin black plastic bracelet band...thingie. I twirled it around my fingers, and even tried to stretch it. But then, fearing it might tear, I just clutched it in my hand.
When the pairings came up, my partner turned out to be this guy who was a bit shorter than me, neat hair, white shirt with a red collar, and had pale skin. He seemed kind enough, so I smiled, shook his hand, and introduced myself. His name was Reekoi. As we sat down at the back together, he entwined the black band with some other similar multi-colored bands on his forearm. Wanting to open a conversation, I asked him what they were.
Bad idea.
Me: “Erm...ang astig ng armbands mo, ah...anong tawag jan?�
Him: *twitch* “Ah, eh...bastos eh...�
Me: *blink* “Ha? Pano magiging bastos ang bracelet?�
Him: *nervous laugh* “Gusto mo talaga malaman kung anong tawag dito?�
Me: *grin* “Try me.�
Him: *inhale* “It’s called a...�
Me: *raises eyebrow* “A what..?�
Him: *looks at me* “A...fu*k me bracelet.� *twitch*
Me: *twitch* *blink* “O...kay...�
Him: “If it breaks, you have to...erm...somebody, you have to...ehe...�
Me: *nods vigorously* “I get it, I get it, thank you for sharing!�
And so we talked, I could tell he was the social talkative type, but was obviously not used to me being so quiet. I tried, y’know. I opened different topics, and spoke in straight English, thinking his kind were the type who were kinda classy and haughty.
Him: *laughs nervously* “Ehehe...ano ba yan...nakaka-insecure naman... Dire-diretso English mo, ang galing mo pa...�
Me: *blink* “Ah, ganun ba? Sori ha, kala ko kasi... Sige na nga, tagalog na lang tayo! Galing din naman ako dito, eh, hahaha!� *pause* “Joke.�
Him: *laughs*
And so it went. He went on and on about his friends, school, and my classmates who he was previously aquainted with. I didn’t mind, he was being a gentleman. He even offered to get us some pizza and drinks.
...
Icebreaker game.
They took it literally.
We were supposed to place an icecube between our hand and the hand of our partner. The first couple who melts the icecube wins. The funny part? If you were really determined to win, you’d use...ahem...
Friction.
*twitch* It looked so wrong. We were laughing our heads off, just looking at the others. But Reekoi didn’t want me to do something like that, so we just... *twitching fit* held hands until the ice melted between them. It took quite some time, though, coz we had a considerably LARGE icecube. I wouldn’t let him support my hand the whole time...I knew for a fact that ice pressed against the skin for too long is actually a form of MEDIEVAL TORTURE. I made him switch hands and offered to support his hand most of the time. Besides...I wasn’t called IceQueen for nothing...
Me: *looks at him*
Him: *winces slightly, hides it right away*
Me: *turns our hands over, so that mine is supporting his* “Sabihin mo lang sakin kung masakit na, ha...�
Him: *laughs* “Ah, hinde, wala to!�
Me: *smirk* “Y’know...this is actually a form of medieval torture...�
Him: *blink* “Wow...di ko yun alam, ah...� *laughs* “Ang taas talaga ng English comprehension level mo!�
Me: *laughs* “Hinde, ah!�
Anne Marie: *cuts in* “ESTRADA TALAGA, O...AY NAKO, REEKOI, NAPAKA GALING NYANG CELINE NA YAN SA ENGLISH!�
Us: *laughs*
Him: *looks at his hand* “Woah...may pasa na ata...�
Me: *switches the ice to my other hand, gently holds his bruised hand with my dry hand* “Diba sabi ko sayo sabihin mo sakin kung nasasaktan ka na? Kaw talaga...�
Him: *looks at my hand* “Eh...may pasa ka rin pala, eh!� *looks up at me* “Ikaw? Di ka ba nasasaktan?�
Me: *blink* “Di ko nahalata...sanay na kasi ako...�
Story of my life. Anyway, when we finally reduced the cube into a thin sheet, and the couple beside us snatched it and trampled on it for fun, we went back to our seats. But when I got back from the bar, some other guy was sitting on Reekoi’s seat. I stared at him curiously for a while. He had wavy shiny black hair, pale skin, and was wearing a white polo shirt. Jokingly, I sat down on my seat beside him, and prodded him on the arm.
Me: “Oy! Lagot ka, magagalit sayo partner ko si Reekoi!�
Him: *looks up at me* “Ah, sorry, im sorry...�
Reekoi: “Hey, Celine...meet my friend Michael. Michael, this is Celine.� *grin*
Me: *shakes Michael’s hand* “Hi, I’m Celine, nice to meet you, Michael.� *smiles*
Michael: *smiles back* “...nice...to meet you too...�
Reekoi: “Hey, Celine...pwedeng kausapin ko muna si Anne Marie dito?�
Me: “Sige ba.�
Michael: *turns to me* “Ehe...parehas lang ata tayo iniwanan ng partner...�
Me: *laughs* “Ah, okey lang yan...Asan ba partner mo?� *grin* “Pagmasdan na lang natin siya, hahaha!�
Michael: *laughs*
So we chatted on and on about lots of things. He even introduced me to his friend Anjo who was behind us with my classmate Jappy. Anjo and I had a couple of hi-fives due to the lots of things we claimed that we had in common. When they were passing around the pizza, I forced Michael into taking a slice. When the paper plate filled with cheetos was passed around, well. *grin*
Me&Anjo: *eyes widen* *jumps off our chairs, reaches out for the plate* “IWAN NYO NA LANG DITO YAN, MAUUBOS NAMIN TO! AHAHAHAHA!!!�
Me: “Ang payat mo...�
Anjo: “Ikaw kaya ang payat!�
Me: “Hinde, hinde, mataba ako!�
Anjo: *pause* *grin* “PAREHO TAYONG MATABA!�
Us: *laughs* *hi-five*
Me: “Ang tangkad mo rin pala!
Anjo: “Hinde, hinde, maliit lang ako! Ikaw ang matangkad!�
Me: “PAREHO LANG TAYONG MALIIT!�
Us: *rofl* *hi-five*
Unlike the other guys who seemed kinda stuck-up with their partners whom they just met, Michael was pretty open to me. He was talking freely, like we were friends before. And what was funny, was that I somehow felt the same thing. At some point in the conversation...
Michael: *pause*
Me: *blinks* “O, whats the matter?�
Michael: *looks at me* “Alam mo...you seem...familiar somehow...�
Me: *eyes widen* “I...I do..?�
Michael: *continues to stare* “...like...Kilala na kita dati pa... Parang nagka-friend na ako na katulad na katulad mo...�
Me: *stutters* “S-sino yung...kaibigan mo na yon..?�
Michael: *shakes head* “Di ko maalala...basta...�
Me: *inhale* “Feeling mo talaga...kilala mo na ako dati pa?�
Michael: *mutters* “Oo...kaya nga sobrang...komportable akong kausapin ka...�
...
Well. I sure as hell tried my damn best not to get my hopes up.
But he was a nice enough guy. Throughout the soiree, we had various partners, and I was introduced to a lot of guys. It took every ounce of my memory powers to memorize their names and faces. When we had another match-up game, I got my hands on an ATM receipt (with mathematical equations scribbled at the back). Jokingly, I raised it up and laughed:
“Kanino ‘tong resibo? Di ka marunong mag-add! Hahahahaha!�
Another laugh answered mine. “Ahahaha! Akin yan!�
I watched as a tall, lanky, extremely thin guy walk over and sit beside me. I shook his hand and introduced myself. His name was Drew. We had a blast talking to each other, the words just tumbled out of our mouths. We were like long-time friends, chatting away and laughing at the things we had in common like insane lunatics.
Me: “Pare, ang payat mo!� *laughs*
Drew: “Ako kaya ang pinaka-payat sa class! 98 pounds!�
Me: *gawks* “Pucha...eh ako nga, 109! Sige nga, anong waistline mo?�
Drew: *grin* “24 inches!�
Me: *doubles over, laughing* “Leche! 25 lang ako!�
Us: *hi-five*
Drew: “Ako isa sa pinaka matangkad sa class! 5’8!�
Me: *hi-fives him* “Wow, pare, 5’8 din ako!� *rofl*
Him: *eyes widen* “Talaga?! Sige nga, tayo ka nga!�
We both stood up and compared our heights. PANTAY LANG! Ahahahahha! We made another hi-five before he gave his camera to his friend, and asked him to take our picture.
“Okey lang, kunan tayo ng full-body picture?�
“Sige ba!�
Insanely high, I stood beside him in the middle of the circle of chairs. We posed back-to-back, to compare our heights. But the camera took quite some time before it flashed, giving everybody else the chance to see me and Drew posing like a couple...
My classmates: “OH MY GOSH, SI CELINE!!! YES, DI NA MAN-HATER! NAKIKIPAG-POSING NA!�
Everybody: “YEBA! BAGAY KAYO, HAHAHAHA! PAREHONG MATANGKAD NA PAYAT! ASTIG! PROMDATE, PROMDATE, PROMDATE!!!�
Realizing what horror I had done, I doubled over, laughing, and sank back into my chair. But...as the party went on, a lot of guys asked for my number and for me to pose with them in their pictures...
I had no idea why. Really.
*scratches head*
I got to chat with Ino, a really hilarious guy.
Me: “Hey, I’m Celine, nice to meet you.� *smiles* *shakes his hand*
Ino: “Hey, I’m Ino, nice to meet you too.� *smirk*
Me: “Ino, eh? How’s that spelled?�
Ino: *blink* “Hmm...I-N-O. Wait, hindi pala. I-N-O-H pala.�
Me: “Inohhhh?� *laughs*
Ino: “Eh, sayo, pano kaya? S-E-H-L-E-E-H-N...�
Me: *rofl* “S-sehleehn?! Napaka senswal naman ng tunog na yun!�
Us: *laughs our heads off*
As the guys were asking for my number, ym ID, friendster, and picture, Ino was ‘coaching’ me on how to pose. He demonstrated...Pose one: sensual. Pose two: even more sensual. Pose three: schoolgirl pornstar. Pose four...MOVE ASIDE, ALECK BOVICK! *twitching fit* Needless to say, we were laughing like idiots the whole while. Even other guys were joining in on the laughter.
Towards the end of the soiree, a guy came up to me and introduced himself.
Him: “Erm...hello...Do you recognize me?�
Me: *blink* “No, sorry...I don’t believe we’ve met...� *shakes his hand* “Heya, I’m Celine.�
Him: “I’m Dondi. You...you go to the parish where I serve, right?�
Me: “Immaculate Heart of Mary Parish?�
Dondi: “Yeah...I serve there.�
Me: *looks at him* *eyes widen* “Oh my gosh...ikaw...ikaw ba yung sacristan dun?!�
Dondi: *laughs* “Yeah!�
Me: *laughs* “Sabi na nga ba, eh! Namukhaan kita!�
Dondi: “Ikaw nga rin, eh, pagpasok mo pa lang sa room, sabi ko...’kilala ko to ah...’�
Us: *rofl*
Dondi: “Well, kita-kits na lang on Sunday!�
Small world, ne?
...
When it finally ended, we were waiting in the reception area. I was just listening to their chatter, on who they had a crush on. I just rolled my eyes.
But then, after the guys who I met waved goodbye to me...
I smiled.
Heck. This day wasn’t so bad after all...
Icequeen out.
Friday, July 16
Jul. 16 Fri.
"You got away,
You don't feel me here...
Anymore" -Broken, Seether/Amy Lee
...
Ate Sop gave me a letter, telling me about a certain dream she had of me.
And guess what.
It hit home.
Big time.
...
My eyes widened as I read it, and my lips trembled a bit. Even if I tried to hide what I felt, she still dreamt about it...
I felt kinda bad, though...making her feel somewhat helpless for not being able to do anything for me in her dream. Well...nobody can.
I'll forever be sitting by a dry fountain, my face in my hands, as I cry helplessly at the fact that the ones I love will always get hurt...and always leave...
...
Its my life. Its my curse. Its happened countless times before, and it'll happen time and time again for the rest of my twisted existence. Fate's ingenious traps, Pain's sadistic touches, Despair's firm grip, and Death's tantalizing unreachable kiss.
And no matter what I do, say, think, or feel...no matter what others try to do for me...no matter how much I get pulled up from drowning, and get raised up to the sky...
Something always happens...
To make me crash back down to square one.
...hurt much more than when I started.
...
I slowly fell to my knees. The whole world weighed me down. An ocean of thick, dark water had swallowed me whole. I was alone. I'll always be alone.
I thought my life would change, now that I met certain people who somewhat understood...who cared and loved me...and really wanted to help...
But no.
They were...too happy...
And I...
I sank into my desk, buried my face in my hands, and just stayed that way. Until people started flocking around me, and asking me what was wrong. I just said I was sleepy and tired...
But I was dying inside. Slowly rotting.
Beija stood beside me, as the downpour outside grew louder.
"Cel...are you crying..?"
I raised my head, forced a smirk and said: "No, sis...heh. I never cry in school."
"Okay."
They bought it.
...
...
But...you didn't.
You always know...
You can see through my mask, hear my muffled cries, feel my aching pain...
"Please...tell me what's wrong..."
You have no idea how much I wanted to...how much I was bursting to tell you everything that was eating at my insides...
But I swallowed the blood and tears, and held it all back behind a gentle smile. I couldn't bear to add to your sadness. You were too precious. And I...
I was a fu*king cursed child.
I just bit my lip and shook my head. It was killing me...but I endured it all just for you to stay happy.
You asked one more time.
...
I grit my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. I filled my mind with all the anger, hatred, pain and despair I was feeling. I knew it would hurt you, I knew that if I spoke now, the words were tumble out of my mouth and slice into your soul. But I didn't mind...you probably deserved it anyway...
I snapped open my eyes, and looked at you.
I froze.
You were...
So...
Damn...
Beautiful.
...
For a split second, I just stared at you, my lips parted slightly. I stood in silent awe. Your face was illuminated with concern. Glowing like the moon...
All the hatred and anger I harbored instantly disappeared like a bubble. I quickly lowered my gaze and looked away. I kept my trembling mouth shut, as my face warmed and my eyes ached with impending tears.
I couldn't tell you. I loved you too much.
I was secretly hoping you would hate and leave me too...like all the others. So that you would get as far away from me as possible. So you won't get hurt like me. But you...
You held me close.
I closed my eyes and wished that moment would last forever... Wished so hard that I would die right then and there...in your arms...
But you pulled away.
You had to pull away. I didn't want to let you go...but I did. You belonged in the arms of your savior. You belonged...in the sky.
...
As I watched you walk away, I clamped a hand over my mouth to stop me from crying out. You were the only one who understood...who ever knew me at all...
I was dying to tell you everything...everything...
But...
My words mean nothing to you...
It wouldn't...really matter...
Because no matter what I do, say, think or feel...
My life - my curse - wouldn't change.
And no matter how much love I give you...
It would never be enough...
To make you love me back.
...
*You got away...
You don't feel me here...
Anymore...*
Wednesday, July 14
Jul. 14 Wed.
"Oh, yeah, give it to me baby! YEAH!!!" -*twitch* me...in HIGH mode
This day was of two extremes.
Let's indulge in the good extreme first.
*grin*
SURPRISE!!!
...
I lingered in the HS caf, my head pounding due to the weight of my ponytail-braided hair and coz of...
Too much info.
*twitch* you do NOT wanna know...
As I cowered against the metal stair railings, a familiar voice called out.
I looked up and thought: "Oh NO! THERE'S MORE OF 'EM FREAKY MORAL VALUES-DIMINISHING PEOPLE!"
But what I didn't see...were two familiar faces. One clad in a blue-white outfit, and the other in her usual shirt, jeans, and body bag. They grinned at me. My eyes widened.
"ATE LALAAAAIIIINNNEEEE!!! ATE SOOOOOOOOPPPPP!!! LIKE OH MY GOD!!!"
Sis was between them, smiling triumphantly as te Lalaine rushed to me and practically crushed my spine and ribs with her hug that I missed...like hell. I hugged te Sop too...damn, it was a long time since I felt that lulling warmth... God knew I needed it. I was revived again. Smiling for real again.
And although I didn't get to catch them at dismissal...I was still so damn thankful that they came. After what happened the other day, their presence really helped pull me up even just a bit.
Ate Sop said she liked my new hairstyle! *bats eyelashes* And I told te Lalaine how adorable her...*stifles laughter* floral skirt was, hahahaha!!!
...
...
And now...for the other extreme.
*inhale*
I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Yeah, I was still suffering from the harsh reality of what happened at the start of the week, but...the fact that they visited was supposed to instantly save me. It helped...but to be honest...
It hurt.
It ached.
So bad.
...
As I watched them laugh, hug, and crack jokes...I could only stare and smile. I was happy, oh God I was...but...
I was afraid.
Downright terrified...
To lose them.
...
Monday, history repeated itself...
It was breaking my heart all over again...the fact that I was hurting the ones I loved the most. And the possibility that they would eventually leave me...
And now, as I looked upon these people who loved me so damn much...
I wanted so badly to tell them. Tell them everything that was gnawing at me from the inside...
But I didn't.
They were...too happy. I couldn't find it in myself to destroy that happiness. And I thought that if I did...they'd end up like the others... They'd just get hurt, get pulled down with me to the dark depths of depression and pointless suffering...and eventually...
Leave me...
...
And so I chewed on my tongue, and held it all back. It hurt like hell, but I endured it. I was always gonna be alone. I hid it all behind a smile.
...
As I was desperately trying to contort my limbs into the desired positions on the Pilattes video, I was oddly high. I was laughing like a lunatic, and my mind was reeling with strange emptiness. Emptiness and adrenalin was not a good combination. Things start to echo mercilessly in your head. And the adrenalin tends to make you jittery and do things almost involuntarily.
Like rolling around on the mat, giggling "Give it to me, baby, yeah!" for example.
I looked so wrong.
Coz I felt so wrong. The ones I loved were hurting because of me, because of what I am...and it was only a matter of time before they would all leave me...like all the others in the past did.
Everybody was looking at me, as I stood at the windows...my arms spread wide open, the wind howling and whipping against my cold, rain-drenched skin. All they could hear was the inane muttering and hollow laughter that escaped my lips as the sky illuminated with bolts of lightning, and the air shook with the rolling thunder.
But nobody saw.
Nobody heard.
...
...
I was curled up in a corner, hugging my knees, and crying.
Monday, July 12
Jul. 12 Mon.
"No one seems to hear your hidden cries,
You're left to face yourself alone...
I can hear you in a whisper,
But you can't even hear me screaming..." -Where Will You Go?, Evanescence
...
I died today.
I cried out to heaven for deliverance.
Nobody heard me.
Nobody saw me.
The ones who I thought would sense and help me...
They were too happy.
...
It hurt to be alone.
It hurt to know that I would always be alone.
...
"Celine...mukha kang binagsakan ng langit..."
*closes eyes*
...
But what hurt the most...
Was when I sat there, on the sun-baked steps, waiting for someone who I hoped would come...
But never did.
...
Jul. 13 Tues.
"I'm nothing..." -video of Breaking The Habit, Linkin Park
...
You asked me what was wrong.
I smiled and just shook my head.
*Nothing.*
...
You asked me again.
I looked at you...and just smiled.
...
How I longed to pour everything into my words...
Everything...
But my words mean nothing to you.
I am nothing to you...
...
So why speak?
Sunday, July 11
Jul. 11 Sun.
"Excuse me, miss...Free Mentos." -some guy *sweatdrop*
*inhale*
UAAP TODAY!!!
Ateneo versus LaSalle!!!
Oh, yeah, baby!
*ahem.*
An overview of how the day went: I was in GIRL mode. AS. IN.
...
Kuya came over last night, and was with us the whole day today. I couldn't deny it...I missed him. When the three of us sat together during mass, kuya and I were teasing each other, and making fun of the choir and the priest. *smiles* Just like old times.
But when the mass was over, kuya had me change into a suitable outfit for the UAAP game that afternoon. He made me wear this sporty look...
Footwear: red and white rubber shoes
Bottom: blue denim jeans
Top: light blue *twitch* ...spag strap...
Hairstyle: *double twitch* a high ponytail
Accessories: silver (earrings, bracelet, and of course...cross necklace)
He took one look at me, and was so...proud. He even made me pose and took a picture of me on his cel. Heck, even dad didn't have any objections. *grin* This was bound to be a good day.
We stopped over at lola's place (to remind her not to get too worked up as she watched the basketball game on TV - baka ma-high blood pa daw siya), then proceeded to Araneta Colleseum. The moment we stepped off the car, we were greeted by shouts and cheers from kuya's college friends. We hung around a bit with them, and learned that...it really is a small world after all.
Kuya&friends: *chatting animatedly about college and their past professors*
Kuya's friend: "Oo, pare...naalala ko nga yung isang prof ko dati sa pol sci, eh...ang talino, sobra!" *laughs* "Pare, astigin talaga si Sir Rialp, ano?"
Kuya's other friend: *laughs* "Ay, oo, naalala ko pa siya, cool kaya yun si Rialp!"
Them: *laughs*
Me: *laughs along with them* "Hahaha...ha...wait..." *eyes widen* "Did you say RIALP? ...MIG RIALP?!"
Them: *turns to me* "You know him?!"
*twitch* Know him? Damn...he's Beija's older brother! Sa ilang beses na napadpad kami sa bahay ni Beija, siguro naman nakilala na namin kahit konti yung mga kamag-anak niya, diba? I mean...yeah, her brothers didn't talk much...but at least we caught on their names, general attitude, and how they look like... I knew the Rialps were unorthodox, yet dowright cool...but here was living proof. I stood there, listening to how they described him as some sort of a wierd, brooding, young genius...and I was laughing. From the description, dad and kuya weren't too happy to know that I was somehow connected to him...but heck...I didn't care. I just flipped my hair, and grinned triumphantly.
...
Once in our seats (upper A), we were bombarded by a dozen or so of dad's old college buddies. This happened everytime we went to a game...coz if some of you still don't know...
Dad used to be a basketball player for Ateneo. And his team won the championship game of '75. He used to be one of the best players during his time...not to mention one of the smartest. He played using not just his limbs, but mostly his brain. He was known both for using his build to guard the MVPs of the opposing teams, and using his quick tactics to outsmart the enemy players. He was able to steal the ball from a 6'3 guy coz he was able to determine the exact moment the guy would make the shot, and was able to jump and grab the ball. He was able to steal the ball single-handedly from an unexpected fast-break by three players of the opposing team. Dad was alone at that half of the court...but was still able to outsmart the MVP, knowing that he was left-handed.
My dad is cool.
And here were a bunch of people proclaiming his skills and talents to the world...and to their children. Kuya and I were proud.
...
We watched the preceeding game: UST versus NU. Since kuya was studying at UST, he was cheering for the Tigers. It was a good thing UST was at the Ateneo side...so kuya wasn't so embarassed to cheer for his alma mater.
Kuya: *shouts* "BLACK GOLD! BLACK WHITE! ...hindi ko na alam ang susunod..."
Me: *laughs*
UST GROWLING TIGERS WON!
But 2 minutes before the end of the game, the ADMU drums were already pounding. The Ateneo fans all grinned...then cheered. Dad, kuya, and I, on the other hand, were gritting our teeth and plugging our ears. The Blue Babble Battalion was RIGHT BEHIND US! The ground beneath my sneakers was pounding in unison with the beat of the dozen giant drums. But as the LaSalle crowd started beating their own...we didn't mind screaming our lungs out.
The first half of the game was horrible for Ateneo. The archers' offense was so much better, and Yeo was shooting 3-pointers every 2 minutes. The LaSalle crowd was jeering at us, and the Ateneo fans were hurling insults.
I learned something then.
The family that insults and makes fun of the opposing team together...stays together.
Our bonding time? Shouting at the referee's bad calls.
Kuya: "O, ANO YON?! DAPAT FOUL YUN, AH!!!" *flashes the finger*
Dad: "ANONG P----- INA!"
Me: *blink* *inhale* "Referee, MAGKANONG BAYAD SAYO?"
Them: *looks at me* *grin*
LaSalle crowd: "Go! LaSalle! GO GO LASALLE!!"
Kuya, Dad, me: "Bo! LaSAlle! BOBO LASALLE!!!"
...
I had to hand it to the Ateneo fans, though...they sure had fighting spirit. Honestly, even if I was supporting another university, I'd still have a great deal of respect for the Ateneo family... Their cheers were solid, support was unwavering, and even if they lost, they'd still support the team through and through. But most importantly, they had respect for the opposing team...*sweatdrop* well...more than the others. They don't make fun of the teams that lose. They're not sore losers.
"WIN OR LOSE, ITS THE SCHOOL WE CHOOSE!"
Heck, I even recorded some of the Ateneo cheers on my cel. The dominant voice was from the guy on my right...he knew all the cheers, and wasn't the least bit ashamed of shouting them out. But judging from the hand gestures he made for the "GET THAT BALL!" cheer, and the MANNER of which he did it...I had the wierdest feeling he was...gay...*twitch*
There was this girl's voice that always SCREECHED support for Ateneo. When I turned, I saw that she was so damn petit! As in! I gaped, then laughed...
Dad: "Ang lakas-lakas ng boses, ang liit lang pala na tao!"
...
Half time...oh, yeah. Cheerleading time. *manyak ba?*
The LaSalle squad was great, sharp moves, clean and orderly execution. And...creative. They formed an arrow slicing through a letter A. And in the end, they all lined up, faced the Ateneo crowd, and made a gesture...of retracting a bow and shooting arrows at us. Heh.
"Lumang tugtugin na yan!"
We expected the Ateneo squad to do much better...but they turned out so much WORSE. As in. One of the cheerleaders that they flung into the air...didn't get caught properly! They ended up chasing after her, and toppling over. There were a few more bloopers that the LaSalle crowd made fun of, but hey...we still loved our squad.
There were guy cheerleaders in the Ateneo crowd, and they were the ones that gave the commands to the Blue Babble Batallion on what to cheer. They were also the ones that really egged on the fans to stand and shout for all they were worth. They stood at specific places amidst the fans, and looked awesome with their big gestures, loud voices, and half-blue painted faces. One of them fell over, though...*twitch* And one of them - a guy with really short spiky hair and glasses...somehow kept staring at the person between my dad and my bro...
...
The second half was much better than the first. We were behind by 14 whopping points...but the players were able to catch up in such little time. A couple of three-points, good free-throws, steals, and fast breaks, the score was lookin good for us. But around 2 minutes before time, LaSalle was able to catch up. 1 point lang lamang namin... It didn't look too good. If LaSalle made this shot at the last second, they'd win...and we wouldn't have a chance to make our shot. We were on our feet in anticipation.
*grin*
But of course, ATENEO BLUE EAGLES WON!!! OH YEAH!!!
71 - 75, BABY!
I was jumping up and down, hands in the air, my ponytail swishing behind me. I could feel my throat burning with my screams, and my ears pounding with the drums and cheers of the crowd. But I didn't care... I was high. *grin*
Of course, we sang the School song afterwards, and cheered for the LaSalle team. Gotta hand it to them...their play was awesome. After the LaSalle school song, we all trudged towards the exits, full of laughter, adrenalin, and of course - pizza.
Still clinging on to my dad's hand, I took one last look behind me...once again caught the eye of a certain spiky-haired guy with glasses...and... *twitch* *grin* you do NOT wanna know what I did...
I TOLD you I was in girl mode...
...
Anyway, once outside the coleseum exits, we were once more greeted by the dozen or so friends of my dad. A little socializing never really hurt, as my brother always said. At that moment, I kinda agreed. But as I turned, my gaze fell on a certain guy... *twitch twitch*
He was a few feet from where I was standing, chatting with his friends. He was a little taller than me, and was wearing a polo shirt and loose black pants. He was slightly hunched over, his hair neat and shiny. I didn't know why, but I was staring at him. He looked no older than 17.
Girl mode meter: *rising*
But unexpectedly, he slowly turned to my direction. He had a good-natured face, with that...ghost of a smile. He caught my eye and just stared back at me. I froze.
Girl mode meter: *still rising*
Hope meter: *slowly rising...*
He then excused himself from his friends, and slowly started to walk towards me. I looked over my shoulder, thinking that he may be looking at some other person beside me. But no...he was looking at ME. Walking directly towards ME. When he was a foot in front of me, he spoke.
"Excuse me, miss..."
My eyes widened. Faint incoherent sounds were gurgling in my thoat. My mind was reeling: "What in heck is he gonna do?! Is he gonna...introduce himself, or something..?!"
"Y-yes..?" I stuttered. I craned my neck a bit, waiting for his answer.
Girl mode meter: *off the charts*
Hope meter: *TILTING*
He looked in my eyes, and raised his hands a bit to his chest. But I didn't notice or pay attention...I was looking at his mouth...at what he was about to say... And he said...
He said...
...
"...Free Mentos."
Girl mode meter: ...ay.
Hope meter: ...sus. umasa ka pa.
I blinked. I looked down at his hands, and they were holding a handful of mentos candies. New flavor. Ice Cherry. Still quite stunned, I slowly raised my hands under his, and let him place the candies on my open palms.
I twitched ever so slightly.
I looked back up at him, and saw him smile. I forced a grin, and asked: "Wala kayong grape flavor?" He grinned back at me, and laughed. I laughed with him, gave him a cheery "Thanks!" and walked away with my dad.
But deep inside...I was punching myself for being so girly and giving in to Hope again...
Like so many other sudden and stunning iformation that I recieve, it took some time before it registered in my head. When it did, we were at a Japanese restaurant, eating tonkatsu and tekkamaki. I choked on my chopsticks and laughed my head off.
"Kung kelan nagpaka-babae ako, dun pa ako nabasted! Putragis naman, Fate!"
...
Ay... *flips hair* Ang hirap talagang maging babae!
Saturday, July 10
Jul. 10 Sat.
"I wish that I could make you turn around -
Turn around and see me cry...
There's so much I need to say to you,
So many reasons why
You're the only one...
Who really knew me at all..." -Mariah Carey
...
Two broken, bleeding souls.
One was saved, the other...
Still drowning.
But hey...at least one of them is happy.
And the other is happy for the one saved.
We both hurt each other.
...we both apologized.
*I wish that I could make you turn around...
Turn around and see me cry...
There's so much I need to say to you...
...
You're the only one...
Who really knew me...
At all...*
...
Dad made me go with him to Ali Mall again, and it was okay. I brought a diskette with me to post my entries at an internet cafe. Speaking of internet cafe...
"The place looked decent enough. I sat myself down at PC16, logged on..." ...seem familiar?
Hehehe, I was back at the same place. At the same PC. And yes, the bgms still threatened to kill me. But as I anxioiusly pushed my diskette into the drive to load my entries...
*swish*
Uh-oh. That was not a good sound. It was supposed to go *chink*, right? I pressed the button. Nothing. My eyes widened. Oh crap! My diskette FELL IN!
Turns out, the CPU didn't have a drive. I slapped a hand to my forhead. And so I had to wait until my dad arrived before I could recover my diskette. By the time I did, dad was already impatient, and I was forced to load around 15 entries in 3 minutes. I didn't know if they all posted okay...but I had the weirdest feeling one entry got posted...more than once...
Anyway, we ate at Frio Mixx, and walked around for a while. Dad asked me to wait for him as he bought tickets for the UAAP game on Sunday from one of his contacts.
...
I leaned against the cold metal railing. I watched as people walked by me...different people, different looks and styles. So many varied characters... There was this guy who stood outside the Blue Magic shop, holding a puppet in his hand, saying Good Morning to everyone who passed by... A fat, rather shady guy who had his hands in his pockets, glaring at anyone who passed his way... A bunch of teenage guys eyeing a group of flirting girls a few feet across them - one of which, I noticed judging from his chest, was not really a guy...
...they all seemed faceless.
Strangers.
...
I sighed. I turned around, and looked down from the railing.
But among the sea of faceless srangers that walked around on the 1st floor...I saw someone I recognized.
...
I blinked.
It was just a poster...but he really DID look like that certain character.
Brown hair shielding one of his deep, dark eyes...a poker face that never really smiled at anyone... light brown skin, covered in a long-sleeved top...
I smiled.
Yeah...he looked just like him. But as I stared at the poster, my heart seemed to gradually weigh down... I missed the time we shared together. I missed him. And now...I wonder if he's out there... If he even acually EXISTS in this reality...
Just then...
"...and I don't want the world to see me..."
My eyes widened. Someone had turned up the mall's sterio system. And the song playing was...
"When everything's made to be broken..."
Iris.
I lowered my gaze.
"I just want you to know who I am...I just want you to know who I am...Just want you to know...who I am..."
The music faded, the faces of the people around me faded...
But his face emblazoned in my memory...didn't.
...
As I curled up under the covers that night, right after my evening prayers...I stared blankly at the cieling. She was...happy. I knew she was. And I was happy that she was. It didn't hurt as much as before... All I could do was sigh.
Quite suddenly, certain memories from the semi-forgotten past started to creep into my mind. I didn't really know why...but it seemed as if my subconcious created a defense/coping mechanism for whenever I feel alone and unloved...
I remember him.
It was as if...everytime I fell and crashed into myself...he'd be there. The memories of him would gently surround me and cradle me tenderly in its embrace...giving me strength and hope to live on...to believe. To hope.
It was like...he'd been with me all along...
I wondered...if he really existed. If I didn't dream him up...if he really was still alive...what would he look like? Would he really look the same? Where would he be? Would he also be one year older than me? Also a little bit taller than me? Would he be wearing the same clothes, living in the same mansion, having the same type of family that he had? Would he really be smart and serious, brooding, and stone-cold silent? Or would he be a lot different than from what I knew him?
But the question that really made me think was:
For the off-chance that he IS real and alive...and one sweet day our paths cross... Would we recognize each other? Would we stop dead in our tracks, and just stare? Would we automatically know that it was real, we weren't dreaming, and we were finally going to be saved and loved? At last, at long last? Or...would we just pass each other by...with nothing more but a faint second glace...?
I closed my eyes.
*Thy will be done, Lord...*
...
...
I was dreaming.
It was as if I was soaring...looking down from a bird's eye view. When I came closer, I saw several figures...people lined up beside each other.
But the one that caught my attention was the last person. A guy. His loose white shirt caught the sunlight. I got closer...close enough to see that he was leaning(half-sitting) against a waist-high stone wall. He was with his friends - a bunch of guys who had their girlfriends with them...he was the only one who didn't have a gal with him. The guy to his right asked him if he was okay, and he nodded, smiling.
"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry...hehe, don't let me get in the way, lover boy, hahaha!"
His friends grinned, and proceeded to cuddling with their gals, and making out. He was still smiling...but I knew that smile, I knew that laugh...coz I smile and laugh that way too. It was a mask. When he was sure his friends were busy with their gals, his smile slowly faded, and he cast a sideward glance at them to his right.
I was the only one who saw him. I was the only one who saw the hurt, almost envious look on his face...
But he merely lowered his gaze and sighed. He leaned back a bit on his arms and hands, which rested on the patch of grass-lined earth held back by the stone wall. He propped his feet up on the opposite stone wall - around a foot and a half from the wall he was sitting on. His blue denim jeans just barely covered the soles of his black sneakers.
I crept closer...until his friends and their gals were just out of my peripheral vision. I focused on him. Tried to emblazon every single detail. The crease on his white shirt, the slight whitewash color of his jeans, the laces of his shoes dangling down the stone wall, the clash of the green grass against his fingers...
He tilted his head back. With a swift movement, he jerked the jet-black strands of hair away from his face. He turned his face up to the sky and just stayed that way...eyes closed, a soft sigh passing through his slightly parted lips.
...
I crept closer still...so close now, that I could make out his eyelashes. I spoke into his ear. But...no words escaped my lips. No sound at all...just a breath.
He snapped his eyes open. He swiveled his head directly at me. But...he didn't see me. For a moment, I was confused myself... Then I realized something - quite suddenly, actually...like it just registered.
I was the wind.
I crept around him, and ran my fingers through his hair. I saw his loose shirt and silken ebony locks move as if caught in a breeze. He turned his head to the other side, and looked over his shoulder. A dazed, anxious look was on his face. I drifted in front of him, passing my hand past his cheek, laughing...without a sound. He gasped slightly, and touched the side of his face. A grin was starting to form on his lips.
I laughed soundlessly again. This was actually fun.
"What the...what is this..?" he asked out loud, smirking. I circled around him in a gust. He ran his fingers through his messed-up hair and laughed. I stopped, and sat still in front of him. He looked around, over his shoulder, like a kid who wanted to play some more...
"Hey...where'd you go..?" he whispered, the grin fading ever so slowly from his lips.
I gently traced my hand over his shoulder, and placed it over his chest. I felt something behind the fabric of his collar. He reached up and took out his necklace chain...and revealed the pendant that hung from it. He held it in his hand. I wrapped my hands around his, and whispered:
"I'm right here..."
He stared at the necklace. I could tell by his eyes that he was lost...lost in his own memories...of his own semi-forgotten past, maybe. Quite suddenly, something dawned on him. His eyes widened, and he snapped his head up and looked directly at me. I smiled, and circled around him again, before rising up to the clouds in a gust of wind.
When I looked back down, I could see him...his head tilted back, his face cleared up and looking straight up at the sky, a hand still clutching the pendant, and a broad smile on his lips.
I was smiling too...
...
"Excuse me...do I know you..? Coz I have the strangest feeling...I've met you before..."
"Somewhere..?"
"Some...time..."
...
"If this is a dream..."
"...then it is a good dream."
"Yes...and I never want to wake up."
"...me neither."
Friday, July 9
Jul. 9 Fri.
"I fear three things... Myself, Love, and of course...Barney." -me
The morning talk down at the caf was a killer. For me and of course, my sis. It spoke of love, trust, faith, hope and of course...suffering and enduring pain for the sake of others.
*twitch*
PLUS...for the final prayer, we were asked to place our hands over our hearts.
*double twitch*
At first, I opened my palms upward and shrugged, as if to say: "What heart?"
But of course, I had to. I cast a sideward glance at her. Our eyes met, and we both stifled our laughter. *Oh dear...paano na 'to?* But we both ended up complying anyway. I winced every now and then at certain words mentioned in the closing prayer though...and from the corner of my eye, I could see a certain sis twitching too.
*mana mana lang.*
...
During the House Meeting, the Green group played a game of Human Bingo. As we went around trying to find people who suited the descriptions, we found out a lot about others...
Beija: "Hey, sis...sign ka naman dito, o..." *hands me her paper*
Me: "O, sign ka rin." *hands her my paper*
Beija: *signs her name on 'likes spicy food'* "There... Haha, i-sign mo yung 'owns a floral skirt'!" *laughs*
Me: *whacks her on the head* "Sira!" *blink* "Actually...I DO own a floral skirt..."
(pause)
Her: *eyes widen* "YOU DO?!" *doubles over, laughing*
Me: *covers face* "Binili ni kuya para sakin!" *laughs*
It was a lot of fun, really...well, for my part. Although...the grass was making me itch all over, and the sun was frying my skin. After I got my paper filled up, I was barely standing. The heat was making me feel woozy, and the fact that I had a slight fever...wasn't helping. When the megaphone sounded, we all were made to sit down on the grass. Exhausted, I just slumped over in the shade, and rested my forhead on my knees. My un-pigtailed hair draped around my head like a curtain...but it was quite interesting: it was actually COOLER behind my curtain of ebony locks. And so I hid there, for God knows how long. I nearly fell asleep.
But then, I sensed somebody walking closer to me. A moment later, I felt a slight pressure on top of my head. I looked down, pushed her skirt out of the way, and checked out her shoes. I smiled.
And without looking up, I took her hand from the top of my head, and pressed it against my burning forhead. I closed my eyes.
"You ayt, sis...?"
"...Hmmm hmmm..."
Sisters are cool.
...
Hanging out with the barkada always cheered me up. But when clubtime came along, we had to go our separate ways. I wanted to try out AFS, Pamu, Komu, and...*twitch* honestly, I wanted to try out the unthinkable.
PAFA.
*hides*
But then, I didn't have the guts. *shrugs* And besides, I wanted to spend the afternoon with sado-masochistic psychos. Writers' Bloc, here I come. I dumped my bags outside the 2nd year classroom, and was immediately greeted by my club friends. A vampire, a dreamer, and a dozen other disturbed wackos. I grinned.
Nice to be back here...
We hung around for a while, just lounging and cracking jokes. But when the OH told us to settle down for the prayer, I was just stifling my laughter. I stared at her.
"Beija... I doubt I'll ever get used to YOU telling US to *settle down*..."
For the sake of the newbies, we had a couple of introductions. A couple of laughs, inside jokes, and an unexpected...
Beija: *points to me at the back of the room* "And of course, here we have Celine."
Me: *waves* "Hey..."
Ms. M.: "Yes, Celine...The SCARIEST of all."
Them: *laughs*
Me: *twitch*
For the ones who wanted to write poetry, we had a little question-answer activity.
Name: Celine
Who is: Sado-masochistic,
Tall,
Dark, and
Handsome!
Relative of: The guy who killed Gianni Versace
Lover of: Pain,
Fate,
Death
Who feels: Cold,
Dead,
Numb
Who needs: An aspirin
A life
Hope
Who gives: Headaches
Help
...everything.
Wants to see: A miracle
The sun
A blue tulip
Who lives in: Antipolo
...
Who fears: Myself,
Love, and of course:
BARNEY.
...
After the clubs, I went with the 4th year bunch up to the multi, since they didn't have CAT. But after walking around and chowing on mentos grape for a while, my friends had to go, and so did I. I climbed into the bus, and went home with a straight back, neat hair, and a hollow, piercing gaze.
...
...
I was stunned.
My skin suddenly felt cold, and my mind reeled.
I knew it wasn't a big deal. I knew she was just being concerned...
But I was angry.
...
"I don't think I wanna go with you..."
"Why?"
"Erm...coz your friends are all there...and they're not too keen with us hanging around together..."
"I already talked to them, and they're not mad at you..."
"I know they're not, but still..."
...
"Look, they were only protective before coz they think that..."
"That what?"
"...that I'm just gonna fall in love with you again, get rejected, and get my heart broken all over again..."
"..."
"It's not gonna happen, okay? I don't get hurt anymore...not as much as before, at least."
"Well...I don't believe that. And I think...neither do your friends..."
...
I froze.
I felt like I was slapped in the face.
Like I was pushed aside.
I didn't know why, but...
I was hurt by what she said.
I was hurt coz now that I realized it...
She was right.
None of them believed me.
I was alone.
If they didn't believe me, then how in hell do they expect me to believe in myself?
...
I looked at my friends a few meters ahead.
I looked back at her.
I lowered my gaze, and hid the hurt in my eyes and shaking voice.
"None of you believe me..."
...
It was pathetic.
*I* was pathetic.
I could taste the bitter irony.
In the past, I had no choice. No choice but to accept the pain, the hurt, the consequences...my inevitable, unescapable fate.
But now that I DID have a choice...
Now that Fate put me in the spot where I had to choose between her...and my friends...
*closes eyes*
I didn't WANT to make a choice.
...
Both claimed they cared.
Both were concerned.
Both I loved more than my own twisted existence.
Both didn't believe me...when I said I was accepting...when I said it didn't hurt that much anymore...when I said that I was strong enough to get over this.
...
She was at one end of the hi-way.
My friends at the other.
Fate made me choose.
"This is what you've always wanted, Cursed Child. A choice. Here you have it. Your friends...or her. Well, go on then... PICK ONE."
...
I turned my head to them, I turned my head to her.
And with a final silent: "None of you believe me..."
I walked away.
I chose...
To stay in the middle of the hi-way.
Alone.
...
I pulled off my pigtails, ran a hand through my hair, and walked to the building. I left her. But I didn't go to my friends either. With a lump in my throat, I trudged to the bleachers and sat at the highest seat. I don't know how long I stayed there... I just wanted to be alone.
I killed myself then.
Bombarded myself with my own insults, punches, slaps, blades, and gunshots.
I learned something...
There was somebody more sadistic and merciless than Pain, the devil...even Fate.
...
Myself.
...
When my wristwatch hit 4pm, I stepped down the bleacher steps.
I walked back to the front of the building, where my friends were no longer present.
I felt nothing.
When I approached the vehicle, one of my companions was telling me off for taking so long.
"Alam mo...dito mo na lang kaya ilagay yung mga gamit mo, para di mo na kailangang balikan pa ma-"
I didn't let her finish.
I locked my jaw, and turned...so fast, that I heard the sound my hair made when it hit the metal side of the vehicle. I could still hear her talking - it took her a couple of seconds before realizing I was already walking away.
My back was straight, my hair was neat, my eyes were hollow, and my voice was ice-cold.
I picked up my stuff, and curtly waved goodbye to those who saw me.
...
She was calling me.
I could hear her voice, clear as day.
But deep inside, it felt like she was whispering to me through a thick fog.
I didn't answer.
Why?
...
"The Cursed Child sleeps...
I am The Other."
...
She stopped calling.
She asked me a question.
I looked at her in the eye.
She was taken aback.
I answered her with another question.
I grabbed my things, and walked away.
...
The world had killed me.
She was the only one who could see me...
The only one who understood.
The only one who had the power to save me...
But she didn't.
She couldn't.
Why?
Because she too, was bound by the shackles of love.
...bound to someone else.
...
I had no right to hate her.
I had no right to hurt her.
I had no right to have anything against her.
Because she didn't do anything wrong.
But someone had to take the blame.
Who else?
Me, of course.
...
But at that moment, hatred and anger were winning. The shackles were no more.
I could hear Other mimicking the words of the devil.
"Why...why should I care? So what if I hurt her? SO WHAT?! What is this compared to my pain? NOTHING! Don't I have the right to hurt her even just a little? Don't I have the right to hurt and blame ANYONE?!"
I was trembling with rage and anticipation.
I couldn't WAIT to see how she hurt.
The only thing pounding in my head was the ultimate justification...
...
*Panakip-butas ka lang, diba? And think...yeah, she'll get hurt. But what will she do after that?
Duh.
She'll run to her savior.
And they'll tend each other's wounds, and fall deeper in love.
They'll fly farther away from you. They'll leave you, and wouldn't really give a damn...
Yippee.*
...
I closed my eyes and walked away as fast as I could.
But...with every step that I took...
My hatred and anger slowly ebbed away.
Love had gently whispered its way into my consciousness once again.
I heard her call out to me one last time.
...
I turned my head, and tried my best to hide the mingled emotions that threatened to overtake me.
I climbed into the vehicle, and pulled on my mask. Nobody noticed a thing.
But as the vehicle passed by where she was, I looked out the window and saw her.
...
She was sitting on the sun-baked steps...
Hiding from the world...
A beautiful creature, locked up once more inside herself...
She was silently broken.
...
...
And so was I.
Jul. 8 Thurs.
"YAAAKK!!! Si Celine mukhang schoolgirl PORNSTAR!!!" -Cai and Kate
I didn't know why, but I just felt like it.
I combed my hair infront of the mirror. I realized that it was getting longer...but still rather straight and limp. I wanted to try something new.
I pulled my hair down either side of my neck. I tied them up each with an elastic, and viola. I had pigtails.
...
I went through the morning somehow HIGH. I didn't know exactly why either, but I was giddy and happy. As I sat down on my chair in Computer class, I caught Cai and Kate's eyes across me, and just...lost it.
kate: *looks at me* *grins* "Heya, emperor... New look, I see."
cai: *laughs*
me: *grins* *twirls pigtail* "Heya, concubine number one..." *winks*
(pause)
them: *eyes widen* *leans back* "OH GOD!!! Si emperor nabakla!" *laughs their heads off*
me: *laughs* *grins* "Check this out..." *bites the end of a ballpen* *twirls pigtail*
(pause)
them: *eyes widen even more* *covers mouths* "Oh my GOD!!!" *rolls on floor, laughing* "Si Celine! Mukhang schoolgirl PORNSTAR!!!"
me: *manic laughter*
cai: "Notebook naman gamitin mo!"
me: *grin* *covers lower half of face with notebook* *winks*
them: *doubles over with laughter*
kate: "Emperor! What's happened to you?!"
Ah, well...bagong profession, nyahahaha! Joke. Over my dad's dead body. Anyway, I went through the day in that hairstlye, with that same crazy almost perverted personality. Some people found it new and kinda shocking - since they were so used to me being the silent, melancholic, brooding type. But most people said it was...*gags* CUTE. Bagay daw sakin.
*twitch*
Well, my barkada found it adorable. *shrugs* If they say so...malakas sila sakin, eh, hehehehe.
Hey, even my sis found em cute. Which is...nothing less than heartwarming on my part.
...
During the study period, some of my classmates asked me to come over. But they didn't need help with homework...they needed help with their band. They asked me to provide them with at least a basis for their lyrics, and a name for their band. I was stunned.
My writing? Basis for lyrics?
I laughed. "Ang jologs kaya ng mga sinusulat ko!" I gave them a copy of one of my works: "So Alive" (the 'to pull me up, up up up thing), and they...well, they thought otherwise. A few of them even went as far as to come up to me and say:
"Celine, ang galing mo kaya sumulat!"
"You know, Celine, I look up to you."
"Alam mo ba! I admire you."
"Ang lalim talaga ng pag-iisip mo..."
"Lam mo, Celine...you're weird... But in a good way. Ang talino mo, galing magsulat, pero ang bait mo pa rin..."
Well...that was so damn unexpected. And the fact that *I* looked up to *them* was just...ironic. So there I was, a tall girl with pigtails sinking into her chair, surrounded by 5 other people who I admired...and they were admiring me.
At some point, they asked me what my inspiration was. Nervously, I answered: "Ah, may kaibigan akong lalake...di-nump siya ng love niya...ehehehe..." They asked how I could have possibly took his emotions in and made them into writing. Well...I didn't lie... I told them I had this weird thing of sensing other peoples' strong emotions. Of course, they didn't believe me, they just thought it was some kind of trick.
But for the sake of fun, I held one of their hands. I was able to pick up something...but just like before, I could only sense the magnitude and type of emotion, not the exact situation. I made a guess and...was right.
They stared blankly at me.
"Empath ka nga talaga..."
But of course, I didn't use it for popularity, or just to get some attention. Believe me, I didn't want it. I just wanted to use this...gift God gave me for helping others. And so I tried. I gave her the best advice I could give. And she was somehow enlightened.
...
And oh, here were some things that happened today...that really sent us laughing our heads off...
CLE period:
gel: *tries to draw a dove on the blackboard*
us: *stifles laughter*
marge: *cackles* "Ano ba yan, Gel! Ang taba naman ng dove mo! Parang buntis!" *laughs*
us: *rofl*
gel: "Mukhang ngang sisiw, eh!"
us: *manic laughter*
marge: "Parang busog na busog!" *laughs*
us: *falls off our chairs*
Geometry period:
sir Mitra: *writes at the edge of the formula-filled blackboard* *tries to fit the equation in the small space left*
starlyn: *stands up, erases the blackboard for him*
us: "Yessssss...ang bait ni Starlyn!" *laughs*
sir Mitra: *looks at her* "Why, THANK YOU iStarlyn!" *looks at us* "See dat? She is very sensitive to the needs of Sir Mitra, noh?"
class: *roars with laughter*
me: *eyes widen* *points a finger at them* "That...THAT SOUNDED SO VERY WRONG!!!" *falls off chair*
Needless to say, I went home twirling my pigtails and grinning like an idiot.
Icequeen out.