Thursday, August 25
Aug. 25 Thurs.
“Si Tarzan?” –Zarah
...
Day was full of laughs, bumps, cramps, scratches, and doubts.
I practically cracked my skull when I whacked it against the top of the bus this morning..
And..a little funny clip from our busgame of 20 questions:
Rosalyn: Is it smaller than a cat?
Me: Yes.
Leoren: Is it furry?
Me: Yes.
Kat: Does it live in the trees?
Me: Yes.
Jackie: Does it fly?
Me: No.
Zarah: *thinks* *gasps* A shark!
(pause)
Us: *rofl*
CJ: Does it move on 4 limbs?
Me: Yes.
Zarah: *mumbles something*
Me: *leans closer* ano?
Zarah: Tarzan?
Me: *blink*
Us: *laughs even louder*
...
Had one of the weirdest, scariest dreams ever..
Woke up in a sweat, and gasping. Not good.
Karma again, huh? That slipped my mind last night..but I guess I’ll grit my teeth through the punishment, and hope it wont hurt the ones I love.
Damn, I gotta have self-control more often..
Especially when the bed’s warm, the sheets cool, pillows soft, and lights turned low.
...
I miss you, y’know.
I think about you all the time..
When I sneeze twice, or see yellow shirts, or just get my heart crushed into mush all over again..
You’re there like Hermes, no words necessary. I jump from the edge into the empty darkness, and you catch me, flying me away to somewhere over time.
Kinda looks like the gradeschool field, though.
We stay in the shade of a tree until I get tired of crying..until I get convinced by your words that I have to go back and live.
And I do..
And it always gets all better again..
Call me crazy, but I’m damn thankful I have a friend like you.
...
...
For the one who holds my heart:
Bakit ang lambot lambot mo?
Bakit ang init mo palagi?
Bakit mo ko pinaghintay ng 3 oras??
Haha, joke..i don’t care about that last part..
But I do care about your wacky hair-do, and your arms around me, your smile, laugh, weird finger gesture, and..
Well..
Everything...
Dad was screaming for me to go home.
I was close to tears at his voice and tone..
But when I held you close to me, and breathed you in..
I knew.
"I am home."
Friday, August 19
Aug. 19 Fri.
"come a little closer flicker in flight
we'll have about an inch's space
but i'm here
i can breathe in
what you breathe out
let me know if i'm doing this right
let me know if my grip's too tight
let me know if i can stay all of my life
let me know if dreams can come true
let me know if this one's yours too
coz' i see it
and i feel it
right here
and i feel you
right here
the vacuous night
steps aside to give meaning
to Gemini’s dreaming
the moon on its back
and the seemingly
veiled room's lit
by the same star.." -Gemini
...
I don’t feel so good..
I feel oddly safe, though..which is bad.
Safe is when I can snuggle in my tiny rut, knowing there’s no going up or forward..just here..
Sad, but home. Time has made it into the only home I can imagine.
Something’s coming..gonna happen..already happening..
Paranoia? I sure as hell hope so.
Coz even in my dream - as I carried my child in my womb, with that long-taloned creature scraping to steal my baby – I was ready.
I knew I was going to die somehow.
I wasn’t afraid. I knew I could protect that tiny heartbeat..and in so doing, live forever.
I’ll stay in the rut. Thank’s for letting me back down here ever so gently..
Whoever you are.
Sunday, August 14
Aug. 14 Sun.
“Alright, I’ll talk to him..go along then, so I can eat my humble pie..” –The Great Raid
...
*inhale*..
I guess words will always be my best friend, and worst enemy..
Too many can kill you, and a few can save you.
I don’t know what to say anymore..scared to speak. Afraid my words will screw things up..
Like now.
...
Heard the gospel, and I cried.
Be humble, they said. Be makulit, but humble.
I never realized..that my insecurity was the root cause of every bad thing that has happened in my life after mom left.
I guess being traded off for a couple of shiny rocks and dirty paper can do that to a person..but I know that’s no excuse at all.
I let people hurt me, betray and treat me like shit..i thought I did it coz I wanted to prove that I loved them..
But I guess sir mitra was right. You cant love others properly if you cant love yourself first..
You made me realize that I wasn’t doing it out of love..i was doing it coz I thought I deserved to get hurt..deserved all the worst things possible..
You don’t..don’t know just how sorry I am..for hurting you the way I did..and I never even noticed it..i thought I was being a martyr..but really, I was being a stupid girl.
I always assumed the worst for myself, never daring to guess – coz I filled every guess with hope, and the thought of my hope shattering was beyond imagination..
I hated myself, cursing the girl I saw in the mirror..blamed myself for the bad things that happened for no reason..
I’ve been doing it for so long, I guess I never noticed it..
But now..i did..
And..i didn’t like it one bit..
I hurt you..so bad..
All coz I didn’t realize that degrading myself also degraded you in a way..
All coz I couldn’t keep that shiny thing from my skin everytime something bad happened.
But..i hope you see..that even though we don’t get along all the time, your love has taught me to love myself too..its not a sudden explosive transition, but its happening..little by little..
The fact that I’m still..well, alive right now, typing this entry.. that’s proof enough that I’ve learned to love myself coz of what you taught me.. my skin’s intact – no fresh wounds at all.. the pills lay untouched, beer and liquor safe in the fridge, and the glass in one piece.
It..wasn’t easy at all..not at all..not one bit..
Not when my stomach was twisting in knots, my face burning, my chest aching for release..i even cried out for my mom for like..the 2nd time in my life..
But I held on.
Didn’t give up hope or faith, ate my humble pie..
I acknowledged my mistake, and instead of punishing myself for it, I decided to ask for another chance to make up for it.
And..you gave it to me..
Maybe you’ll never completely know just how happy that made me..just how strong and inspired it made me..
I was still wobbly and feverish and utterly weak from..well, that. Crying. I admit it. My weakness. It wasn’t 8:00pm at all.
But I was smiling..gently, inside and out.
I’ll do my best from now on – now that I know what to do and what not to do, and how to do it..
I wont be insecure and utterly demanding anymore..i’ll learn to trust completely, take it on faith, and love myself..little by little..
I’m not scared to admit or hope for it anymore..
I do want to be with you, stay with you..i don’t want to hand you off to another person, I want to be the one for you.
I’ll make it so that I’ll be the one meant and deserving of you..grant my own personal wish, and be the one to make you happily in love.
...
I guess that’s a helluva lot of words..
It might get twisted or congested or confusing at points..
But I hope you guys get to see the essense of it..
Love isn’t meant to be explained..its meant to be felt. And shared.
Mahal na mahal kita, plushie.
Monday, August 8
Aug. 8 Mon.
“Celine..gusto ko sa Friday..inuman tayo.” –Anne
...
UPCAT drained me for all I was worth.
Biruin mo ba naman, pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa Econ auditorium, bigla ba naman ako nagkaron!
Ampoga talaga ang pagiging babaeng irreg!
Fuck damn, my red ticket to excruciating failure.
Apat na oras akong nakaipit na upo sa pagkalamig-lamig na silid [sobrang lamig na yung tunaw kong chocolate tumigas ulit!], namimilipit sa sakit ng katawan, nangangatog at tumitirik na ang mata sa kakabasa..
Halfway through, as I saw the “2 minutes remaining” on the board, with me 10 questions short of the math portion, the figures and numbers and names swirling in my slightly pounding head, I murmured..
AYOKO NA.
Tangnang Chona yan! Muffin eating contest?? Ilan ang kinain nya, kamo? WHO CARES?!?!
...
I didn’t get to answer my physics quiz at all.
I think I failed trig. Again.
Things between me and plushie struck oil last week, and im drained emotionally along with my physical frame.
Quarterly tests coming this week, and I haven’t even compiled the topic proposals for the IP.
Nakalimutan ko pa lagyan ng rating yung movie review ko sa English.
Shit talaga. Hell week? Hell quarter. And its just the beginning!
Somebody shoot me in the head.. I doubt if anyone will miss me..
*sigh*
...
Everybody just loved my love story written composition for English.
They passed it around to almost everybody who could get their hands on it, crumpled it, softened it to a mush, and copied some lines from it. Steph even asked me to make a “madrama story” for her.
I just hope that my love story will have a happy ending..
But I guess we shape our endings now..forever starts here and now.
And I’m doing my damn best..
Damn best.
Buong puso ko na inaalay ko..and yet..Why do I feel like im making love to a wall?
Its not doing anything..and yet its hurting me..
Why cant you hug me? Pull me close? At least acknowledge the things I’ve done to love and keep you?
Don’t you know that when you make those remarks you’re making me feel like im the worst person in the whole fuckin world?
Sinusumbatan mo ko pag sinasabi kong mahal kita..pag sinusubukan kong iparamdam sayo kung gaano kita kamahal, kung anu-ano yung mga pinaggagagawa ko para sayo..
Wag na lang kaya ako magreklamo?
Maging pader na rin kaya ako?
Tahimik, hindi demanding, walang imik, hindi clingy, hindi KJ..
Pero nagmamahal.
Tumpak, diba? Pader na nagmamahal. Isn’t it everything you’ve ever wanted?
Did you know that at some point, I actually considered biting off my own tongue, ripping out my vocal chords, paralyzing myself, or point a mesh of metal against my temple and pull the goddam trigger?
Para lang makasama kita na hindi ka na nasasaktan. Hindi ka na naba-badtrip. Hindi ka na naiistorbo.
Any way, I’ll get to see you fly, ne? Sure, you’ll get stronger..and when you do, you’ll fly. And I’ll be there to see that glorious sight.
Either as a mute, a vegetable, or a ghost.
I know I’m ranting. Everybody knows. Im over-reacting. Everybody knows.
But the one thing I HOPE they know..
..is that mahal pa rin kita. I wont lose faith. I wont stop loving. I still want you to be happy. With..me.
Fuck DAMN. I am SO looking forward to Friday night’s inuman fest.
Colt 45 para mabilis.
Wednesday, August 3
Aug. 3 Wed.
“Come a little closer,
Flicker in flight
We’ll have about and inch’s space.
But I’m here, I can breathe in
What you breathe out..
Let me know if I’m doing this right,
Let me know if my grip’s too tight,
Let me know if I can stay all of my life..
Let me know if dreams can come true,
Let me know if this one’s yours too..
Coz I see it..
And I feel it right here..
And I feel you right here.
The vacuous night
Steps aside to give meaning
To gemini’s dreaming..
The moon on its back
And the seemingly
Veiled room’s lit
By the same star." -Gemini
...
Right now, you’re pretty much the only thing I’m living for.
..and right now, im still chinky and sticky and slightly pink from a few hours ago’s death.
...
I don’t want to live without you.
I don’t want to lose you in any way.
But if you choose to let go..
I’ll only ask for one thing.
..that you hold me in your arms one last time, and let me drown in your warm softness..
..as I fade into forever with you.