Wednesday, June 23
Jun 23 Wed.
"You might as well live." - Resume, Dorothy Darker
Nica and I had a fight. It wasn't really a fight, more like me being a fu*ked up jerk, and hurting her feelings.
I was really bad with remembering dates. As in. Tell me your birthday now, and I'd forget it minutes later...literally. That's why I suck at history.
But it had gone too far. I rememeber Nica telling me her birthday countless times over, coz I kept forgetting. But now...now that they were thinking that I loved HER more than them...they were starting to doubt me... Nica asked when was her birthday...and I couldn't remember. She fell silent, looked away, and just smiled.
...
I wanted to shout, and punch a wall for all I was worth.
I was such a jerk.
Talo ko pa ang mga lalake na kinamumuhian ko.
I was supposed to be her friend, and I hurt her. Damn. I wanted to die. She probably hated me, and I wanted to die. They all probably hated me...and I wanted to die over and over again.
I spent the whole afternoon trying to apologize to her. I even wrote a huge and flashy SORRY on my nametag for her to see during Lab period. She'd only laugh...but she didn't talk to me much for the whole day. And for the whole day, I planned my suicide...
I've hurt too many people already.
...
After lunch, she told me...that from then on, she'd never make remarks about me and HER ever again.
I just hated myself even more. I led them to think I loved her more than them... And now Nica was probably gonna give up caring for me. I wanted to fall down on my knees and cry. I coulnd't bear the thought.
...
At the last subject, Ms. Grace called for me, saying that I was called by Sr. Carla to fit the gala uniform, to see if the new fabric and style was suitable. I stared blankly at Ms. Grace...
*I was gonna MODEL in front of Sr. Carla?!?!*
Since Anne had already gone home coz of her fever, I asked Nica to accompany me to the faculty. She agreed, and went with me. She helped me zip up the dress. I looked at myself in the mirror, and just stared.
*I looked like a friggin' BRIDE!!!*
Damn...I had no idea that dress was gonna be fit. It made me look thinner... I was laughing along with Nica, as I pranced around the CR. Then, she quietly told me...
"Celine...my birthday is on December 13."
I paused. Time stopped then. It was...nothing short of a miracle for me. I bowed my head and whispered: "Thanks, Nica...I'm sorry I keep forgetting...I love you." I gazed up at the mirror, at both our reflections. She was smiling.
...
I didn't care if Sr. Carla said the dress was awful - too thick, too itchy, and the pleats were wrong... I was happy. My heart was still crying, but I was happy...at least...God didn't take away my reason...
...
At the multi, when everyone was gone, I sat beside Beija on the stone steps. I was happy I caught my sister at the end of the day at least. She was reading a book entitled: "Poems That Could Save Your Life". We read some pieces together. Heck, we needed it. When it was time to say goodbye, she gave me her usual hi-five...and a little something.
It was a poem she got from the book. She said she thought I needed to read it.
She had no idea.
...
RESUME
Razors pain you
Rivers are damp
Acids stain you
And drugs cause cramp
Guns aren't lawful
Nooses give
Gasses smell awful
You might as well live.
-Dorothy DARKER
...
With the paper still clutched in my hand...
As I sank down my bedroom wall, and ended up on the floor...
I wept.
...