Wednesday, July 14
Jul. 14 Wed.
"Oh, yeah, give it to me baby! YEAH!!!" -*twitch* me...in HIGH mode
This day was of two extremes.
Let's indulge in the good extreme first.
*grin*
SURPRISE!!!
...
I lingered in the HS caf, my head pounding due to the weight of my ponytail-braided hair and coz of...
Too much info.
*twitch* you do NOT wanna know...
As I cowered against the metal stair railings, a familiar voice called out.
I looked up and thought: "Oh NO! THERE'S MORE OF 'EM FREAKY MORAL VALUES-DIMINISHING PEOPLE!"
But what I didn't see...were two familiar faces. One clad in a blue-white outfit, and the other in her usual shirt, jeans, and body bag. They grinned at me. My eyes widened.
"ATE LALAAAAIIIINNNEEEE!!! ATE SOOOOOOOOPPPPP!!! LIKE OH MY GOD!!!"
Sis was between them, smiling triumphantly as te Lalaine rushed to me and practically crushed my spine and ribs with her hug that I missed...like hell. I hugged te Sop too...damn, it was a long time since I felt that lulling warmth... God knew I needed it. I was revived again. Smiling for real again.
And although I didn't get to catch them at dismissal...I was still so damn thankful that they came. After what happened the other day, their presence really helped pull me up even just a bit.
Ate Sop said she liked my new hairstyle! *bats eyelashes* And I told te Lalaine how adorable her...*stifles laughter* floral skirt was, hahahaha!!!
...
...
And now...for the other extreme.
*inhale*
I didn't know what was wrong with me.
Yeah, I was still suffering from the harsh reality of what happened at the start of the week, but...the fact that they visited was supposed to instantly save me. It helped...but to be honest...
It hurt.
It ached.
So bad.
...
As I watched them laugh, hug, and crack jokes...I could only stare and smile. I was happy, oh God I was...but...
I was afraid.
Downright terrified...
To lose them.
...
Monday, history repeated itself...
It was breaking my heart all over again...the fact that I was hurting the ones I loved the most. And the possibility that they would eventually leave me...
And now, as I looked upon these people who loved me so damn much...
I wanted so badly to tell them. Tell them everything that was gnawing at me from the inside...
But I didn't.
They were...too happy. I couldn't find it in myself to destroy that happiness. And I thought that if I did...they'd end up like the others... They'd just get hurt, get pulled down with me to the dark depths of depression and pointless suffering...and eventually...
Leave me...
...
And so I chewed on my tongue, and held it all back. It hurt like hell, but I endured it. I was always gonna be alone. I hid it all behind a smile.
...
As I was desperately trying to contort my limbs into the desired positions on the Pilattes video, I was oddly high. I was laughing like a lunatic, and my mind was reeling with strange emptiness. Emptiness and adrenalin was not a good combination. Things start to echo mercilessly in your head. And the adrenalin tends to make you jittery and do things almost involuntarily.
Like rolling around on the mat, giggling "Give it to me, baby, yeah!" for example.
I looked so wrong.
Coz I felt so wrong. The ones I loved were hurting because of me, because of what I am...and it was only a matter of time before they would all leave me...like all the others in the past did.
Everybody was looking at me, as I stood at the windows...my arms spread wide open, the wind howling and whipping against my cold, rain-drenched skin. All they could hear was the inane muttering and hollow laughter that escaped my lips as the sky illuminated with bolts of lightning, and the air shook with the rolling thunder.
But nobody saw.
Nobody heard.
...
...
I was curled up in a corner, hugging my knees, and crying.