Wednesday, July 28
Jul. 28 Wed.
“I'll make a wish for you And hope it will come true... That life will just be kind To such a gentle mind...If you lose your way, Think back on yesterday... Remember me this way...� –Remember Me This Way
...
I kept my word.
I kept my word.
I kept my word.
I hung on till Wednesday.
It hurt...
Like nothing any of you can ever imagine.
...
But I endured it.
I kept my word.
Take that, Fate.
Take that, Pain.
And Death...
Take me.
...
...
By the end of the day, I was slumped on the floor, against my bedroom wall.
Clutching my cute crimson cure.
I opened my hands and unclenched my fingers.
I showed God everything that I hid from everybody else.
All the pain, the hurt, the sacrifice...
I was chanting.
Repeating over and over, muttering, whispering, screaming...
“What say You, Lord?�
...
All I heard was the soft murmuring of the warm afternoon air.
I don’t know how long I lay there, motionless...
My arms spread wide open, eyes blankly staring at the ceiling, tears slowly trickling down the sides of my head and into my hair, lips slightly twitching as I muttered my mantra...
...
I pounded my fist on the floorboard.
“WHAT SAY YOU, LORD?!
YOU SEE ME, DON’T YOU?
YOU FEEL ME, DON’T YOU?
YOU KNOW VERY WELL WHAT IM GOING THROUGH, DON’T YOU?
YOU KNOW WHAT I DID, DON’T YOU?
WHAT I SACRIFICED?
WHAT I ENDURED?
DON’T YOU?
DON’T YOU?!
ANSWER ME!
WHAT SAY YOU?!�
...
He didn’t answer.
I curled up on my side, my lungs and heart racking mercilessly with my sobs.
Quite suddenly, I stopped.
My expression calmed, and my mind went numb.
I made a choice.
I chose to end it.
...
...
For my last farewell...
Love won over.
I tried to hide it still...
I didn’t want her to go through the pain of knowing that I was dying and she couldn’t do anything...
She didn’t deserve it. She was meant to be happy.
What does that make me?
Martyr?
Angel?
Saint?
No.
Just an idiot who loves too much.
...
Eventually, she found out.
“Celine! Please don’t do this...�
I could only smile.
I tried my best to comfort her...
I didn’t want it to end so painfully for her.
“Alam mo ba...nakita kita...ang saya saya mo...�
She was begging me not to go.
“Get help...�
I was beyond help.
The ivory buttons of the keyboard were already daubed with my crimson life.
“...mahal kita...sorry hindi ako...nakapag-goodbye sayo...nang maayos...�
I tried to hold her close, imagining I really was there with her...
Death could take me, and I’d be happy.
...
...
She pushed me away.
I was stunned.
But I didn’t blame her.
I was happy...that she finally learned to hate me.
But...
I was wrong.
“Do you hate me now?�
“Never.�
“Then push me away.�
...
She held on to me.
“I don’t want you to die...�
I couldn’t understand.
But I realized that if I let myself die...
She’d get hurt.
I didn’t want her to go through any amount of pain that I endured.
...
As I frantically patched up, I could only wonder...
Why she was thankful that I lived...
In the end, I was the one holding on to her...
The only one who understood.
“Please...Please don’t leave me...�
She held me close.
“I’m here...�
...
Somehow...
I had a feeling that was what God had to say.