Tuesday, July 27
Jul. 27 Tues.
“So what should I do,
just lay next to you as though
I'm unaffected?� –Unaffected, Hoobastank
...
I hurt them.
I hurt them all.
And pretty soon...
They’re gonna hate me...
And leave.
...
My friends were almost in tears, as they tried to convince me to get over her, to move on, to stop huting, to forget...
Forget...
I couldn’t do that.
Never.
I may suck at history, birthdays, and memorizing important dates, but...
I sure as hell don’t forget the things that MATTER MOST.
...love...
...
They told me to love myself, for once.
To be happy...for my own sake...
I didn’t know what to say...what to do...
I loved them. I loved them so damn much. I didn’t want their attempts to be futile, I knew perfectly well how sincere they were. How much they cared for...and loved me...
...
*looks at hands*
*clenches fists*
I hate myself.
For hurting them.
For being the one who drags them with me to the depths of depression and despair...
But I had to heed them.
...
Besides...
We all knew SHE wouldn’t at all be affected if I leave, or inch away...
I doubt she’d even notice.
She’s happy now.
And her life would be so much happier without me in it.
And as my friends said...
Vice versa.
...
...
I tried.
It hurt to turn my back to her.
It took every ounce of my willpower not to cry out in pain...not to run away...
I endured it. It was for the best. It hurt like friggin hell, but hey. She’d be HAPPY...
But she...
She hardly noticed.
...
I hid it all behind the best mask ever.
A shrug and a smile.
With a high, bouncing, swishing ponytail.
...
...
By dismissal, I was full to bursting.
I gently lay my books and bag down on the steps of the Multi with trembling hands.
Then suddenly...
“Celine...�
I turned at the sound of my name. I looked up and I saw...
An angel.
...
There were no words...I was stunned at how extremely kind God was, and just how sadistic Fate was.
I pulled her close, rested my head on her shoulder, and closed my eyes.
“Ate Sop...you have no idea just how...� I trailed off. It all seemed to weigh me down. “...ate...pwede ba makatulog na lang sa hug mo?�
God knew just how much I needed to see her that day. Especially with what happened after...
...
...
They were laughing, and teasing, and being so damn happy with each other. I beheld it all...
My heart broke.
I heard it crack.
*I’d never be the one who makes her smile like that...*
My cheeks burned with searing blood. A five-inch nail was being rammed into my aorta again.
I could...taste blood at the back of my throat.
But I just put on the best mask ever, and just tousled my thoughts, frantically drenching the tattered pieces of my pain and anguish with love...
I was shaking.
Could hardly breathe...
But I chose to love.
...
I walked on to God knows where, feeling so empty...
I was half-afraid I’d float to the sky; like I was walking on tufts of clouds.
I was going insane.
Before I knew it, I was popping piece after piece after piece of Mentos Grape in my mouth.
And through the half-masticated wad of grape-flavored candy, I was singing at the top of my lungs...the only song that was ringing in my head.
Amazing how Fate gets a song stuck in your head at just the right occasion.
...
“So WHAT SHOULD I DOOOO?!
Just LAY NEXT TO YOU, as though
I'm UNNNNAFFECTEEEEED??!�
...
I threw my head back and cursed the sunny sky.
The only thing that kept me alive was my word to te sop that I would live till Wednesday, when she’d visit.
...
“And WHAAAAT SHOULD I BEEEEE?!
IF THEY’RE JUDGING ME, AS THOUGH IM
UNNNNAFFECTEEEEEEED?!�
...
My voice reduced to a murmur at the end of the day.
“And what...should I do...
I’m not...unaffected...
And who should I...be...
I’m not...
Not...
Not...unaffected...
Unaffected...�
...