Friday, July 16
Jul. 16 Fri.
"You got away,
You don't feel me here...
Anymore" -Broken, Seether/Amy Lee
...
Ate Sop gave me a letter, telling me about a certain dream she had of me.
And guess what.
It hit home.
Big time.
...
My eyes widened as I read it, and my lips trembled a bit. Even if I tried to hide what I felt, she still dreamt about it...
I felt kinda bad, though...making her feel somewhat helpless for not being able to do anything for me in her dream. Well...nobody can.
I'll forever be sitting by a dry fountain, my face in my hands, as I cry helplessly at the fact that the ones I love will always get hurt...and always leave...
...
Its my life. Its my curse. Its happened countless times before, and it'll happen time and time again for the rest of my twisted existence. Fate's ingenious traps, Pain's sadistic touches, Despair's firm grip, and Death's tantalizing unreachable kiss.
And no matter what I do, say, think, or feel...no matter what others try to do for me...no matter how much I get pulled up from drowning, and get raised up to the sky...
Something always happens...
To make me crash back down to square one.
...hurt much more than when I started.
...
I slowly fell to my knees. The whole world weighed me down. An ocean of thick, dark water had swallowed me whole. I was alone. I'll always be alone.
I thought my life would change, now that I met certain people who somewhat understood...who cared and loved me...and really wanted to help...
But no.
They were...too happy...
And I...
I sank into my desk, buried my face in my hands, and just stayed that way. Until people started flocking around me, and asking me what was wrong. I just said I was sleepy and tired...
But I was dying inside. Slowly rotting.
Beija stood beside me, as the downpour outside grew louder.
"Cel...are you crying..?"
I raised my head, forced a smirk and said: "No, sis...heh. I never cry in school."
"Okay."
They bought it.
...
...
But...you didn't.
You always know...
You can see through my mask, hear my muffled cries, feel my aching pain...
"Please...tell me what's wrong..."
You have no idea how much I wanted to...how much I was bursting to tell you everything that was eating at my insides...
But I swallowed the blood and tears, and held it all back behind a gentle smile. I couldn't bear to add to your sadness. You were too precious. And I...
I was a fu*king cursed child.
I just bit my lip and shook my head. It was killing me...but I endured it all just for you to stay happy.
You asked one more time.
...
I grit my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut. I filled my mind with all the anger, hatred, pain and despair I was feeling. I knew it would hurt you, I knew that if I spoke now, the words were tumble out of my mouth and slice into your soul. But I didn't mind...you probably deserved it anyway...
I snapped open my eyes, and looked at you.
I froze.
You were...
So...
Damn...
Beautiful.
...
For a split second, I just stared at you, my lips parted slightly. I stood in silent awe. Your face was illuminated with concern. Glowing like the moon...
All the hatred and anger I harbored instantly disappeared like a bubble. I quickly lowered my gaze and looked away. I kept my trembling mouth shut, as my face warmed and my eyes ached with impending tears.
I couldn't tell you. I loved you too much.
I was secretly hoping you would hate and leave me too...like all the others. So that you would get as far away from me as possible. So you won't get hurt like me. But you...
You held me close.
I closed my eyes and wished that moment would last forever... Wished so hard that I would die right then and there...in your arms...
But you pulled away.
You had to pull away. I didn't want to let you go...but I did. You belonged in the arms of your savior. You belonged...in the sky.
...
As I watched you walk away, I clamped a hand over my mouth to stop me from crying out. You were the only one who understood...who ever knew me at all...
I was dying to tell you everything...everything...
But...
My words mean nothing to you...
It wouldn't...really matter...
Because no matter what I do, say, think or feel...
My life - my curse - wouldn't change.
And no matter how much love I give you...
It would never be enough...
To make you love me back.
...
*You got away...
You don't feel me here...
Anymore...*