Friday, July 23
Jul. 23 Fri.
“Crawling in my skin
These wounds will never heal...
Fear is how I fall,
Confusing what is real...� –Crawling, Linkin Park
...
*RUN.*
That was the only thing echoing in my empty mind, as I rushed out the classroom door.
*Run where?*
I was absent-mindedly slamming my books and pack of chocolates against my folder and bag.
*Anywhere but here.*
...
I could hear their laughter echoing from the other side of the wall. They were coming out, gonna get their things, or probably look for me...
I rushed to the wide-open door of the Yr. 1 washroom. I bent over the last sink. I felt sick to my stomach.
I leaned forward until my forhead touched the cool mirror.
*Do not feel affected, do not get hurt, do not hate her, do not get jelous...*
I felt that if I said it again and again, my mind and body would obey.
*You can’t give in now, not when you lasted a whole friggin day without feeling sad...*
...
I bashed my head against the mirror. Dammit, Fate!
I crawled into the corner of the last stall. I sat there, curled up and hugging my knees. I even clamped my hands over my ears just to stop hearing their voices outside.
*Leave me alone...leave me alone...*
I didn’t know how long I stayed there. When I finally summoned my strength to get up, I walked back to the sink and looked at myself in the mirror.
My hair was cascading over half of my face and shoulders. The one eye that was visible was...dark and empty.
An odd silence crept into my ears, into my very skin.
*End it now.*
I knew what was in my pocket.
I raised my left forearm, and pushed down the wristwatch, baring my wrist.
Just then...I stopped.
I stared at the scar...
...
*It was fading...*
Pretty soon, it would just be another faint ghost of a scar, then it would disappear...like it was never there...
But the pain it represented would always be there.
I breathed deeply.
All I had to do was put on a mask.
*It’s easier than you think.*
I laughed softly.
...
But my heart...
Quite suddenly, I doubled over in pain, clutching my chest. I winced and bit my lip as a stunningly sharp, almost unbearable pain seared its way across the left side of my chest...where my heart was.
It felt like a 5-inch nail was being rammed into my aorta.
When it finally ended, I was clinging onto the sink for support. I finally admitted something.
And for once...it was the truth.
...
*I may not choose to live,
I may not choose to hope...
But by God...
I choose to LOVE.*