Friday, July 9
Jul. 9 Fri.
"I fear three things... Myself, Love, and of course...Barney." -me
The morning talk down at the caf was a killer. For me and of course, my sis. It spoke of love, trust, faith, hope and of course...suffering and enduring pain for the sake of others.
*twitch*
PLUS...for the final prayer, we were asked to place our hands over our hearts.
*double twitch*
At first, I opened my palms upward and shrugged, as if to say: "What heart?"
But of course, I had to. I cast a sideward glance at her. Our eyes met, and we both stifled our laughter. *Oh dear...paano na 'to?* But we both ended up complying anyway. I winced every now and then at certain words mentioned in the closing prayer though...and from the corner of my eye, I could see a certain sis twitching too.
*mana mana lang.*
...
During the House Meeting, the Green group played a game of Human Bingo. As we went around trying to find people who suited the descriptions, we found out a lot about others...
Beija: "Hey, sis...sign ka naman dito, o..." *hands me her paper*
Me: "O, sign ka rin." *hands her my paper*
Beija: *signs her name on 'likes spicy food'* "There... Haha, i-sign mo yung 'owns a floral skirt'!" *laughs*
Me: *whacks her on the head* "Sira!" *blink* "Actually...I DO own a floral skirt..."
(pause)
Her: *eyes widen* "YOU DO?!" *doubles over, laughing*
Me: *covers face* "Binili ni kuya para sakin!" *laughs*
It was a lot of fun, really...well, for my part. Although...the grass was making me itch all over, and the sun was frying my skin. After I got my paper filled up, I was barely standing. The heat was making me feel woozy, and the fact that I had a slight fever...wasn't helping. When the megaphone sounded, we all were made to sit down on the grass. Exhausted, I just slumped over in the shade, and rested my forhead on my knees. My un-pigtailed hair draped around my head like a curtain...but it was quite interesting: it was actually COOLER behind my curtain of ebony locks. And so I hid there, for God knows how long. I nearly fell asleep.
But then, I sensed somebody walking closer to me. A moment later, I felt a slight pressure on top of my head. I looked down, pushed her skirt out of the way, and checked out her shoes. I smiled.
And without looking up, I took her hand from the top of my head, and pressed it against my burning forhead. I closed my eyes.
"You ayt, sis...?"
"...Hmmm hmmm..."
Sisters are cool.
...
Hanging out with the barkada always cheered me up. But when clubtime came along, we had to go our separate ways. I wanted to try out AFS, Pamu, Komu, and...*twitch* honestly, I wanted to try out the unthinkable.
PAFA.
*hides*
But then, I didn't have the guts. *shrugs* And besides, I wanted to spend the afternoon with sado-masochistic psychos. Writers' Bloc, here I come. I dumped my bags outside the 2nd year classroom, and was immediately greeted by my club friends. A vampire, a dreamer, and a dozen other disturbed wackos. I grinned.
Nice to be back here...
We hung around for a while, just lounging and cracking jokes. But when the OH told us to settle down for the prayer, I was just stifling my laughter. I stared at her.
"Beija... I doubt I'll ever get used to YOU telling US to *settle down*..."
For the sake of the newbies, we had a couple of introductions. A couple of laughs, inside jokes, and an unexpected...
Beija: *points to me at the back of the room* "And of course, here we have Celine."
Me: *waves* "Hey..."
Ms. M.: "Yes, Celine...The SCARIEST of all."
Them: *laughs*
Me: *twitch*
For the ones who wanted to write poetry, we had a little question-answer activity.
Name: Celine
Who is: Sado-masochistic,
Tall,
Dark, and
Handsome!
Relative of: The guy who killed Gianni Versace
Lover of: Pain,
Fate,
Death
Who feels: Cold,
Dead,
Numb
Who needs: An aspirin
A life
Hope
Who gives: Headaches
Help
...everything.
Wants to see: A miracle
The sun
A blue tulip
Who lives in: Antipolo
...
Who fears: Myself,
Love, and of course:
BARNEY.
...
After the clubs, I went with the 4th year bunch up to the multi, since they didn't have CAT. But after walking around and chowing on mentos grape for a while, my friends had to go, and so did I. I climbed into the bus, and went home with a straight back, neat hair, and a hollow, piercing gaze.
...
...
I was stunned.
My skin suddenly felt cold, and my mind reeled.
I knew it wasn't a big deal. I knew she was just being concerned...
But I was angry.
...
"I don't think I wanna go with you..."
"Why?"
"Erm...coz your friends are all there...and they're not too keen with us hanging around together..."
"I already talked to them, and they're not mad at you..."
"I know they're not, but still..."
...
"Look, they were only protective before coz they think that..."
"That what?"
"...that I'm just gonna fall in love with you again, get rejected, and get my heart broken all over again..."
"..."
"It's not gonna happen, okay? I don't get hurt anymore...not as much as before, at least."
"Well...I don't believe that. And I think...neither do your friends..."
...
I froze.
I felt like I was slapped in the face.
Like I was pushed aside.
I didn't know why, but...
I was hurt by what she said.
I was hurt coz now that I realized it...
She was right.
None of them believed me.
I was alone.
If they didn't believe me, then how in hell do they expect me to believe in myself?
...
I looked at my friends a few meters ahead.
I looked back at her.
I lowered my gaze, and hid the hurt in my eyes and shaking voice.
"None of you believe me..."
...
It was pathetic.
*I* was pathetic.
I could taste the bitter irony.
In the past, I had no choice. No choice but to accept the pain, the hurt, the consequences...my inevitable, unescapable fate.
But now that I DID have a choice...
Now that Fate put me in the spot where I had to choose between her...and my friends...
*closes eyes*
I didn't WANT to make a choice.
...
Both claimed they cared.
Both were concerned.
Both I loved more than my own twisted existence.
Both didn't believe me...when I said I was accepting...when I said it didn't hurt that much anymore...when I said that I was strong enough to get over this.
...
She was at one end of the hi-way.
My friends at the other.
Fate made me choose.
"This is what you've always wanted, Cursed Child. A choice. Here you have it. Your friends...or her. Well, go on then... PICK ONE."
...
I turned my head to them, I turned my head to her.
And with a final silent: "None of you believe me..."
I walked away.
I chose...
To stay in the middle of the hi-way.
Alone.
...
I pulled off my pigtails, ran a hand through my hair, and walked to the building. I left her. But I didn't go to my friends either. With a lump in my throat, I trudged to the bleachers and sat at the highest seat. I don't know how long I stayed there... I just wanted to be alone.
I killed myself then.
Bombarded myself with my own insults, punches, slaps, blades, and gunshots.
I learned something...
There was somebody more sadistic and merciless than Pain, the devil...even Fate.
...
Myself.
...
When my wristwatch hit 4pm, I stepped down the bleacher steps.
I walked back to the front of the building, where my friends were no longer present.
I felt nothing.
When I approached the vehicle, one of my companions was telling me off for taking so long.
"Alam mo...dito mo na lang kaya ilagay yung mga gamit mo, para di mo na kailangang balikan pa ma-"
I didn't let her finish.
I locked my jaw, and turned...so fast, that I heard the sound my hair made when it hit the metal side of the vehicle. I could still hear her talking - it took her a couple of seconds before realizing I was already walking away.
My back was straight, my hair was neat, my eyes were hollow, and my voice was ice-cold.
I picked up my stuff, and curtly waved goodbye to those who saw me.
...
She was calling me.
I could hear her voice, clear as day.
But deep inside, it felt like she was whispering to me through a thick fog.
I didn't answer.
Why?
...
"The Cursed Child sleeps...
I am The Other."
...
She stopped calling.
She asked me a question.
I looked at her in the eye.
She was taken aback.
I answered her with another question.
I grabbed my things, and walked away.
...
The world had killed me.
She was the only one who could see me...
The only one who understood.
The only one who had the power to save me...
But she didn't.
She couldn't.
Why?
Because she too, was bound by the shackles of love.
...bound to someone else.
...
I had no right to hate her.
I had no right to hurt her.
I had no right to have anything against her.
Because she didn't do anything wrong.
But someone had to take the blame.
Who else?
Me, of course.
...
But at that moment, hatred and anger were winning. The shackles were no more.
I could hear Other mimicking the words of the devil.
"Why...why should I care? So what if I hurt her? SO WHAT?! What is this compared to my pain? NOTHING! Don't I have the right to hurt her even just a little? Don't I have the right to hurt and blame ANYONE?!"
I was trembling with rage and anticipation.
I couldn't WAIT to see how she hurt.
The only thing pounding in my head was the ultimate justification...
...
*Panakip-butas ka lang, diba? And think...yeah, she'll get hurt. But what will she do after that?
Duh.
She'll run to her savior.
And they'll tend each other's wounds, and fall deeper in love.
They'll fly farther away from you. They'll leave you, and wouldn't really give a damn...
Yippee.*
...
I closed my eyes and walked away as fast as I could.
But...with every step that I took...
My hatred and anger slowly ebbed away.
Love had gently whispered its way into my consciousness once again.
I heard her call out to me one last time.
...
I turned my head, and tried my best to hide the mingled emotions that threatened to overtake me.
I climbed into the vehicle, and pulled on my mask. Nobody noticed a thing.
But as the vehicle passed by where she was, I looked out the window and saw her.
...
She was sitting on the sun-baked steps...
Hiding from the world...
A beautiful creature, locked up once more inside herself...
She was silently broken.
...
...
And so was I.