Friday, April 23
Apr. 23 Fri.
"..." -me
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT READ THIS ENTRY. I MEAN IT.
IM SERIOUS.
...
I gotta tell you, I was on the verge of breaking down, and letting the Other take over and write this entry. I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open to look at the screen, or move my fingers to punch the keys...
I'm still on Step 2, and all this silence is making one hell of a good atmosphere for digging wounds deeper.
And the fact that nobody seemed to be available - through text or chat - is really not helping...
At first, I just dismissed it as some sort of coincidence. They might all be on some sort of family roadtrip, or gimmick, or something. Then around midday, I was afraid...scared that maybe everybody might be sick or had some sort of accident, coz they didn't seem to be anywhere today...I was terrified. The curse, dammit...
Then late in the afternoon, I just lost it. I was trudging around the house, in a trance. My eyes were half-closed, and I felt like I was dreaming. I can't recall everything I did...something like: Watch TV, flick through my favorite channels, stand up, walk around, crash on my bed, roll over and crash on the floor, get up, go online, wait, crash on the comp stand, log out, check my cel, drop my cel, turn on the radio, slam against the wall, drop to the floor, slowly blink away the tears that made my eyes ache...
I was alone today.
All alone.
*Just like old times.*
...
I heard so many songs today, songs that made me want to gurgle up blood.
They came one after the other, I was sure God was on a torture spree.
...
"Jelous of the one whose arms are around you...Jelous of the one who finally found you..."
"I'm so tired of being here...Supressed by all my childish fears..."
"I'm not a perfect person...as many things I wish I didn't do..."
"Your mother's gone, and your father hits you...Hold on, if you feel like letting go..."
"Even if there is pain now, everything will be alright..."
"...you only see me as a friend...I tell myself: wake up, fool, this fairy tale's got to end..."
...
Ah, but the winner:
"When I was a child the story would say
Somebody would sweep you off your feet someday
That's what I hoped would happen with you
More than you could know
I wanted to tell you that my heart's in your hands
I prayed for the day when I would get the chance
Just when I worked up the courage to try
Much to my surprise
You had somebody else
Cuz these feelings I keep to myself
[CHORUS:]
I may never get to hold you so tight
I may never get to kiss you goodnight
I may never get to look deep in your eyes
Or so it seems
I always will be wishing you were mine
I think about what could be all the time
All the happiness that I could find
Baby a girl can dream
From the moment I wake up
'Til I fall asleep
I imagine you not with her but with me
Talkin' and laughin'
Sharin' our dreams
It's just a fantasy
Cuz you had somebody else
Cuz these feelings I keep to myself
A girl can dream it's true
And to call you my own
Is the sweetest dream of all
Oh a girl can dream"
...
*closes eyes*
...
We had to pack our bags for Batangas, and dad left me in charge of everything. I pulled out a couple of shirts and pants, and just threw them on my bed. But dad and kuya were making such a fuss over everything. Dad was strict with the checklist, and kuya was giving suggestion after suggestion of outfits and outfit combinations. I just stood there, eyes half-closed, arms limp on my sides, hearing and vision blurring, fever rising, head spinning, skin tingling and sweating, hands and lips shaking...
I was on the verge of collapsing on the spot.
And all kuya said was:
"Huy, ano ba! Nakikinig ka ba?! At mag-straight back ka nga!!"
...
*closes eyes*
...
Can you...
Even...
START...
To imagine...
Having to go through this...
?
...
You run around your backyard, then you trip and fall over some stone sticking out of the ground. You get up, and wince and cry out "Ouch!" in pain, as you cover your hand over your knee. You take a look at it, and see a lightly bleeding scrape, specked a little by soil. You get up slowly, wincing all the while. You try to walk back to the house, but limp slightly at the stinging wound. Once inside, you call out: "Mom! Mommy? I got a wound..."
And she comes out from the kitchen or basement, and wipes her hands on her apron. She holds on to you, and takes a look at your wound. "Tsk, tsk...nako...mukhang malalim yan, a..." she would say. "O, upo ka muna, at lilinisin natin yan." You sit in a chair, as she looks for the Betadine and cotton. Your sibling comes in, sees you and your wound and goes: "Hala! Lagot ka, hahaha! May sugat ka, may sugat ka, nyenyenye!!!" And you say: "Tumigil ka nga!" as he sticks his tongue out at you.
Your mother comes back with the Betadine and cotton, and shoos away your sibling. She kneels beside you, and lightly wipes away the dirt on your knee. She then dabs the Betadine-filled cotton on your wound. You wince and say: "Ow! Ouch! Ack!" at every dab, and she says: "Ay, sorry...o, tahan na...o, last na, promise..."
She then pulls out a band-aid and gently sticks it onto your wound. "Ayan..." she would say. "All better. O, sa susunod, mag-ingat ka, ha?" And you would get up and mutter: "Yeah, yeah, mom...thanks." She would suddenly wrap her arms around you in a death grip and say: "O, kiss kita, para gumaling!" And she would kiss you. Your sibling watches, and laughs like a maniac and you would squirm and say: "Mo-m!"
Haha, sounds familiar? If it does, then good for you!
...
This is what happens to me:
I run around the backyard, then I trip and fall over some stone sticking out of the ground. Instead of getting up, I stay there. Roll over on my back, close my eyes, and bite down hard on my lip, just to keep myself from saying anything. When the initial shock has passed, I sit up and take a look at my knee. There is a lightly-bleeding gash, specked by a little soil. I close my eyes and mutter: "Oh...shit...lagot na 'ko..." I try to get up, but wince at the pain. I pause for a while and concentrate on the wound. Then I would bolt upright and straighten up, regardless of the pain, dust myself off and walk back to the house. Why do this suddenly? Because dad is looking over from the balcony, and if I stay there for too long, he would have spotted me, and scolded me for all the neighborhood to hear.
Once inside the house, I briskly walk towards my room. My brother pops out from his room, talking on the phone with his friend. "Anong problema mo?" he mouths at me. I just shake my head, and slowly turn my wound away from him, and proceed to walking to my room. Why not just tell him? If I did, he would go: "Ano ka ba?! Magkakapeklat ka nanaman, eh! Di mo kasi inaalagaan sarili mo, eh! Hay nako! Bahala ka!"
Before I can open the door, my dad comes out of his room, sees me and says: "O, Celine! Ano ba yan, ideretso mo nga yang likod mo, kuba ka nanaman! Ilang beses ko nang sinasabi sa yo, eh!" With my back to him, I would just nod and mutter: "Opo dad." As I turn the knob, he goes: "O, kakain na tayo, bumaba ka na." "Uh, sandali lang po, dad, may gagawin lang po ako," I reply. "Anong may gagawin ka pa?" he would ask. "Yan na nga ba ang sinasabi ko, eh. Ang payat-payat mo na nga, ang hina-hina mo pa! Hay nako." I would just keep bite my tongue and enter my room, and fight the urge to bang the door over and over. My wound would be bleeding again, but I dare not tell my dad. Why? If I did, he would go: "ANO YAN?! Sugat nanaman?! Ano ka ba, Celine?! Patakbo-takbo ka pa kasi, eh! Saan ka ba sumemplang, ha? Tingnan mo nga yan! Magkakapeklat ka nanaman! Burara ka kasi, di mo inaalagaan sarili mo! O, linisin mo na yan!"
I grab a bottle of alcohol and tissue. I dust off the soil, and pour the alcohol all over the wound. I bite my lip at the pain. Masochist that I am, I do pretty much the same thing for around 3 times. Why? The physical pain...blocks out emotional pain. I dab at the wound with tissue until the bleeding stops. I don't bother to put a band-aid on it, since it will signify to my family that I have a wound.
There. That's my scenario.
...
Look, I know my dad and bro loves me very much. They do. I know that. It's just that...
...
They can't see me...
I'm right here, and after 15 years, they still can't see me.
...
I'm...
Right...
Here...
*closes eyes*