Friday, April 2
Apr. 2 Fri.
"You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be...and I don't wanna go home right now..." -cursedchild
I couldn't sleep last night. I had a gut feeling something bad was going to happen. So at 5:30am, I gave up trying to sleep, and went online. I didn't know why I even bothered, since I knew nobody would be up and chatting at this hour.
I was wrong.
Two minutes later, Beija went online too! Hahaha, she was shocked that I was awake at that hour, since 5:30am here is around 5:30pm in the states. So we just chatted, and had loads of laughs, hahaha! Especially with the webcam! Hahaha! I got to chat with Kyra and Issa, chat and take quizzes with Anne and Steph, chat with ate Lalaine, text Ate Sop all day, and chatted with Beija later that night! Hahaha! Freaky alert again, coz I knew...I dunno how, but I just knew she was going to go online at that time. It was dawn in the states, but I had a feeling. So I asked Kyra to text me if Beija came online, and she DID! WHEEE! It was fun, really! I brushed off the bad gut feeling I had earlier.
I found myself on my bedroom floor again. I had my arms spread wide open. I remembered so many things. Such simple things... The things that felt so right.
It was so right...
The way dad and kuya would tell me to straighten my back
The way Steph would giggle
The way Myka would shout really weird things
The way Giselle's eyes would squint when she smiled
The way Nica would savor her food
The way Anne would snicker
The way Inna would tuck her hair behind her ear
The way Andy would flip her hair
The way Mikee would say "intense!"
The way Ate Lalaine would hug me so tight
The way Ate Sop would ask: "Ok ka lang? Sigurado ka?"
The way Beija would say: "Growee!"
And...
The way she would hold my hand. Hers would be so warm, it seared my frigid hand...and my frozen soul.
They were all happy today!
*Nothing bad's gonna happen, this day is too good!*
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT PROCEED. I MEAN IT.
I was...dead wrong.
I read a blog entry, and I was shocked. Felt like I was jolted with a surge of electricity. Like I was splashed on with a bucket of icewater. Like I was slapped across the face by Reality.
I stood immobilized, as Fate drifted nearer. He put his arm around me, and held me fast by his side. He twirled strands of my hair as he whispered sweet poison in my ear.
"Do you see what you are doing? What you have done? And all this time, you said you didn't want her to get hurt. But from the looks of things...she will. And it will be all...your...fault."
I fell to my knees. He was right. This is what happens when I get too close. When I love too much. At least this time, I got a warning. And at least this time...I could do something about it. I would not let history repeat itself. I will not let anyone die. Not this time.
Making deals with Fate is a nasty business. But he would give the world...just to make me suffer. And I offered him a deal he could never refuse.
"Take me, Fate. Spare them. Spare her. I'll do anything...anything to save her. Anything to let her be happy."
I spread my arms wide open.
"Im all yours. Do your worst."
Fate accepted. The condition?
I had to let her go.
...
I couldn't. I just...couldn't. Why? Funny. My life works both ways with her.
I wanted to save her. But I also wanted her to save me.
We would save each other.
She's been through so much...
And so have I.
She was saved, now. And she was much happier...
I was never meant to be saved.
The one person who understood...
Was flown away.
*You got much closer than I thought you did...*
She got close to me.
So close.
Too close.
She got burned because of me.
But she didn't mind.
She loved me.
She refused to fly away because of me.
She wanted to stay with me.
...
I couldn't bear it.
I couldn't take it.
I couldn't let her suffer because of me.
I wasn't worth it.
*I don't want you to have the wounds I have...*
I pushed myself away.
It tore a huge chunk from me,
And left an open wound.
I covered it with my hand,
And waved to her with the other.
I smiled to her,
Just to reassure her.
But...
She could see through my mask.
She could see the blood
Slowly trickling through my fingers.
She could taste the tears I fought back.
She could hear the muffled screams of my heart.
She tried to pull me up once again.
*Let me rest in pieces, let me rest in pieces...*
She was sad.
Why?
Because I was.
And my heart ached
Why?
Because she was sad.
...
I closed my eyes. I wanted to embrace her, break down, and fall asleep. I wanted to tell her. But I also wanted her to be happy. So badly. What could I do?
I straightened up. I flashed a smile. I ruffled her hair.
"Kulit mo talaga! Lumipad ka na kasi! Ok lang ako dito, huwag kang mag-alala! Sige ka, lagot ka sa angel mo! Now, go!"
Best Actress award goes to...Me.
She flew. Yehey.
I sank back and watched her fly
Into the heavens with her angel.
This is how it's supposed to be
I was never meant to be saved
I was never meant to be loved
I could do nothing but give in to Emptiness' embrace
As I ran out of tears to cry
And ran out of blood to shed.
An empty shell
Once more.
...
PS:
To Hunter: Tell her I'm sorry. So very sorry for hurting her. I never meant to hurt her. That was the last thing I wanted. Tell her to be happy. Seriously! And tell her to...take care of herself, hehe.