Saturday, April 10
Apr. 10 Sat.
"May problema?" -me
WARNING: CYNICAL ENTRY.
Black Saturday. We attended an Easter Vigil late at night, at our parish. We were required to wear something white. I did, much to my disdain. And much to the shock of the people in our parish. They were so used to seeing me in black shirts, black pants, my hair veiling my face, and shooting daggers with my hollow, narrowed eyes. And now, they see me all bright and smiling, my hair in a tidy braid, in an elegant white blouse...they couldn't believe it.
Heck, even Sir Mark stared in disbelief for about...5 seconds.
Big deal.
How was the vigil? Well, to sum it all up, it was a grueling 3 hours of nonstop barok readings, out of tune responsorial psalms, and repetitive cycles of kneel-stand-kneel-stand, and response-nod off-response-nod off. At least the choir was getting better, and the instrumentalists were not that bad. I pointed out Sir Mark who was playing the electric guitar which seemed too big for him. Kuya was laughing his head off. I wasn't. I miss biology classes.
After the vigil, was the Salubong. It was supposed to symbolize the meeting of Jesus and Mother Mary on the day of His resurrection, and Mary's black veil of mourning would be changed to a white veil of rejoicing. To pull the ceremony off, all the women and girls in our parish were to go to one end of the road to accompany the statue of Mary. Same went for the men and boys of the parish, on the other side of the road to accompany the statue of Jesus. The two statues were to be carried and were to meet at the chapel. Nice program.
Except for the part where Dad dragged me along with him to the Jesus statue's side of the road. I tried to argue, but Dad wouldn't have any of it. I was bursting to tell him that being surrounded by countless guys in the middle of the night in a darkened alley, where it was officially a 'guy' place...wasn't really my cup of tea. Dad just reassured me that it was no big deal, and nobody would really mind. Yeah right.
The giggles of the girls grew fainter with every step, and were replaced with loud guffaws and cheers. The smell of cigarette smoke started to fill the air. Small stones and pebbles were being thrown in one direction, to see who could throw the farthest. Everybody was wearing loose shirts, and cargo pants. Backs were hunched over, and hair was a lot shorter. With a single glance at me walking towards them, the goofing-around stopped, and all eyes were on this tall girl clad in white, clinging to her father's arm.
Oh yes. I was offically in the realm of the y-chromosome creatures. And it WAS a big deal. And they DID mind.
Dad was oblivious to the unusual silence and stares. He was just socializing with his parish friends, which left the teenage guys and boys just standing idly. And as for me? I just stood in the middle of the road, a long way from them, in my famous 'sadako' defense mode. But as I summoned all my anger and pain that I kept for so long, I had enough. I let the Other take over. It was cool. She ditched the 'girl' mode, and switched to 'androgynous'. Everyone was stunned. Seriously.
Me: (passing my hand over my face)
Guys: (staring, chuckling, pointing in my direction)
Me: (pause) (breathe deeply) (opens eyes)
Guys: (for some reason, they gasped slightly, and takes one step back)
Me: (walks over to them)
Guys: (bewildered stares)
Me: (removes my braid, and runs my hand through my hair) (rolls up my sleeves)
Guys: (still staring)
Me: (looks at them) (low tone) "May problema?"
Guys: (raises eyebrows)
Some guy: (grins) (shakes head)
Me: (grins) "Heh."
Guys: (resume goofing around)
Somehow, it feels better when she takes over. I get to rest. I get to hide. I get to be seen...without really being seen. I get to do the things I feel like doing, and feel no shame. I become more confident. I become more honest. But of course, it also has its drawbacks...
One of these days, she's gonna break her chains and take over when I least expect it. Or worse: when I least want her to. And she's gonna tell the whole world what I've tried so hard to hide for so long. She will hunt, hurt, and kill. She will reveal the truth to my murderers, before murdering them. She will destroy so many things. She will reveal the truth to the world, regardless of the bad effects it may have on many people. She will cross the chasms of heaven, hell, and purgatory, and have vengeance beyond the grave. She will redeem me. She will make up for all the pointless pains and sufferings I have endured. And I won't be able to stop her.
And what's worse?
I'm looking forward to it.
...
Icequeen out.