Saturday, April 3
Apr. 3 Sat.
"Open your eyes!" -dude
I was drowsy today. Due to...reasons incomprehensible.
Saturday. Card day today. I woke up at 5:30 and got ready to go to school at 7am for the WB meeting. My dad fell asleep on the couch, watching tv.
Me: (cautiously) "Dad...dad...dad, aalis na po ako."
Dad: (wakes up) "Hah?! Ah...sige, sige...kita na lang tayo doon mamaya."
Me: (straightens up) "Opo dad."
Dad: (falls back to sleep)
Me: (walks to the front door) (stops) (runs back to the couch) (bends over and
kisses him on the cheek) "I love you, Dad."
Dad: (still sleeps soundly)
At school, I had to wait for people to show up before I crawled out of my corner. Bea H. came! Yay! We went to see Ms. M at the admin lobby to tally and distribute the copies of Plaid Ideas. When we saw the packages lined up against the wall, we froze. There were around 6 packages - each containing 400 copies of Plaid. When Ate Sop showed up, she kinda froze up too, haha.
And so it began. Ate Sop and Bea pushed the packages across the admin office to the benches outside, where we would tally them. I tried to push one, but ended up on all fours on the ground. The teachers were just watching us. I couldn't take it.
Ms M: "O, i-tulak nyo na lang yan sa labas, ok? Dun na lang tayo magta-trabaho."
Us: "Yes, miss"
Bea: (grips one package) (pushes it along the floor) "Grabe, ang hirap itulak!"
Ate Sop: "Oo nga, eh!" (takes a package and pushes it along the floor)
Ms M: "Kaya nyo yan, girls!"
Me: (catches up with Bea) "Tulungan na lang kita, mahina ako, eh." (tries to push) (fails miserably) (ends up on all fours, almost sprawled on the floor) "Aray..."
*Transfer continues*
Me: "One last." (looks at the last package) (looks at the exhausted Bea and Ate Sop) "Oh, well." (rolls up sleeve) (grabs the package and...lifts the whole thing) (pauses) "Hmm...cool." (carries it across the room)
Teachers: "Oh my..." (stares)
Sir Eric: (staring dumbly)
Ms Arcadio: (eyes widen)
Ms M: "O, nasan na yung last..." (sees me) "Oh my God, Celine!"
Bea&Ate Sop: (eyes widen) "Wow!" (laughing)
Me: (drops the package on the floor) "Wow...looks like last year's archery and yesterday's weight training paid off, hahaha!"
Ms M: "Machong-macho si Celine, ah!"
Me: (raises eyebrow) "Ekk..."
After the tallying (which was very confusing, believe me), we had to deliver them to the respective clusters. And so it went. Our Pilgrimage. It was very difficult, and waaaarrrrmmmm, but hey. BONDING TIME! Hehehe. I got to talk to Ate Sop a lot, and spending time with her made me want to keep my eyes from closing, even though I wanted so badly to sleep on the spot. So what if the school gets sued, hehe. The real eye-opener happened while we were lounging around in the yr I-1 classroom, chatting about lots of things.
Me: (trying my best not to SLEEP)
Ate Sop: "Oy, Cel, may PS ba kayo?"
Me: "Ah...PS1 lang, bakit?"
Ate Sop: "Ah...Meron ka bang CD ng Increydible-" (stops)
Me: (pauses) "in...increydible?"
Us: (laughing our heads off) (nearly falls off our chairs)
Hahaha! I know there was something about a "Wheestle", but I can't remember how it went, hehe. Funny, she probably had no idea how much that helped. On the other hand...I think she did. A lot of times, I nearly dozed off. And a few times, I hardly realized I was about to shed saltened proteins from my eyes. You know what she did? Ate Sop kept on poking me, hitting me on the arm, dragging me, and even shaking me. But I didn't mind at all...she was saving me again. Wow. But what really got to me was the hug. I didn't want to let go. I knew that my Dad had arrived, and I was in for another killing session about my grades. I just wanted to stay there. But of course, she had to go, and so did Alex and Cheska for their drawing contest thingy. (i hope they won!!!)
WARNING: IF YOU ARE HAPPY AND WANT TO STAY HAPPY, DO NOT PROCEED. I MEAN IT.
And so my Dad got my grades and enrolled me, killing me all the while. As my dad lined up for the enrollment, I took a walk. I almost toured the whole campus, and my feet ached. I couldn't stop walking. It was like I was LOOKING for something...or...someone. I looked up. I saw the cross. I ran. I ran to the chapel, and wanted to collapse in front of the crucifix. I ended up with my hands pressed against the cool glass and iron bars. It was closed. When I really needed to be with someone who could fill my emptiness and overwhelm me with love...nobody was there. I walked up to the huge tree near the grotto. I sat there for the longest time. I remembered everything. So much...pain. And emptiness. All pointless. And the thought that I had hurt someone so close to me...I despaired. It felt as if I was drowned in thick dark water. God was the only one who held on to me, and I to Him. But as I drowned at that moment, it felt as if God had let go...
*Eloi, Eloi...Lama sabachtani...*
The rest of the day seemed like a daze. A trance. A shallow dream. Talking with Pia, seeing my card, riding the car, listening to my dad, eating lunch, saying goodbye to my dad, texting kuya who was at Zamboanga...blasting the speakers with hard rock music, looking for my dad's stash of cigs, staring blankly, praying, astral projecting, curling up into a ball in a corner, shedding salted proteins, whispering thanks to the people who made a difference in my life, apologizing to the atmosphere for everything I had done...and for what I was about to do...
I had hurt her, just so she could let go of me.
I had hurt her.
I hurt her.
And I hated myself once again.
All over again.
I was made to suffer -
By those who were supposed to care.
I had enough.
I hurt myself enough.
I hurt others enough...
I was...
Not gonna let it go on.
I had to do something, hehe.
I was sorry if it would hurt anyone...
Which at the moment, I highly doubted.
I meant nothing.
This is for the best...for everyone.
I was on the floor of my room again. I was staring at the cieling and the bright flourescent light. I could taste and smell the tears and residual blood caught in my throat. I could hear nothing but the faint throbbing of my heart, slowing down as I held my breath. And for once...for ONCE...I coudn't feel any pain. Just the feel of cold metal pressed against the side of my head.
I felt drowsy. Weighed down by the horrid past, cruel present, and inevitable future. I couldn't take it. I was tired. And after lying there for a long time, I fell asleep. Interesting enough, I had a dream.
me: "You..."
him: (smiles)
me: "...I...I miss you. A lot."
him: "Me too."
*silence*
me: "Don't worry...I'll be with you in a while-"
him: (stern) "What are you doing?"
me: "I-I'm going to sleep, I'm so tired...so...tired..."
him: "I know you are..." (touches the side of my face)
me: (closes eyes)
*silence*
him: "I've told you this once before...and I'm going to tell you again."
me: "Hmm...?"
him: "Open your eyes."
me: "Wha-"
him: "OPEN YOUR EYES!"
I did.
I rushed out the room and I saw that...it was a good thing I didn't sleep. If I did, if I had...I would have hurt so many people. I could have killed someone who mattered so much. I did something I thought I could never do. I was afraid I would end up causing pain. But the truth made me feel a bit more free. I still ached though. But I...I regained hope. I regained stregth. I regained...myself.
She was stunned.
Ohter: And so was I. Prove me wrong.
*They refused to let go of me.*
*And so did God. He holds my hand still.*