Thursday, April 22
Apr. 22 Thurs.
"The pain I inflict on her is nothing compared to what you - all of you - do to her! NOTHING!!!" -other
There is...too much pain.
My wounds...old ones, new ones, ones that already healed...all exploded with a new wave of pain and blood.
People have been...
Avoiding me...?
I dunno.
Nobody online, not even my barkada...
Nobody texting, hahaha...
Although...I was saved by a couple of people in the afternoon, and at midnight.
A vampire and an angel. Respectively.
Woah...ok, that sounds weird, but its true!
Kyra sent me this text, and I...I was pulled.
*Thanks, vamp, I really...needed that.*
And ate Sop was texting me from late night till dawn, really. She kept me awake...in more ways than one.
*Salamat, ate Sop...hindi talaga ako magsasawa sa kaka-thank you sa inyong tatlo.*
...
I think I'm gonna get confined soon. If not within this week, then next week. For some reason, my fever just...keeps on getting worse... (actually, I know why, and I'm just too stubborn to accept my fate.) And I pretend to be alright, coz my dad and bro - actually, my family is just dismissing it as another form of weakness on my part.
I am not weak.
And so I went with my bro to Cubao to shop for swimgear...we're supposed to go to Batangas for the weekend. You cannot even imagine how hot it was. I could feel my skin tingling, even if I was a few feet from direct sunlight. At some point, I think I got a heatstroke in the car, but kept it to myself, coz my bro would just think I was pathetic being so weak, and my dad would get angry at me. Yes, he would scold me. After laughing at me, that is.
I've lost a lot of protein and salt...an not to mention iron.
I'm so tired...
And scared, dammit.
I'm getting this weird feeling I'm gonna lose somebody...
I would hold my head in my hands to make it stop pounding, to make myself stop thinking...I would cover my eyes with my hand, to stop the tears...
And my dad and bro would see. And they would say:
"Ano ba yan?! Bakit ka nagaga-ganyan, ha?! Itigil mo nga yang kaartehan mo!"
I would just...
Keep quiet.
And check my cel for messages...none.
Sneak out late at night and go online...nobody.
I was...alone.
Before going to sleep, I tried to show dad this really good poem I read from one of ate Sop's entries. But the net crashed everytime I tried to access it. When I finally did, my dad was too busy talking with his friend on the phone. I wanted to scream.
"WHY CAN'T YOU SEE ME, DAD?! WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU SEE ME?!"
I just muttered: "Ah, screw it! Forget it!!! He'd just criticize it anyway! Lahat naman, diba? Lahat ng mga bagay na nagagandahan ako, binabasura ng ibang tao!"
I stormed into my room and grabbed a pair of scissors. I crashed down on my bed and...
Well, if you must know, my bedsheet got ripped.
...
And so did my heart...