Tuesday, April 13
Apr. 13 Tues.
"Father...rise up and save me!" -Jesus
The Steps...I thought I would never have to use them again. I only did them once before. I did my best to avoid having to end up using them, but still...
Love is illogical. It is the only thing I couldn't understand.
Love is the only thing I ever wanted. And it is the only thing I cannot have.
And yet...I give so much of it away...
God, I love too much.
...
But it's for the best. I won't risk causing any more pain or confusion or fights. I'll save them. I'll fix this. I'll take the damn Steps.
Step 1:
Acknowledge and Accept. I have to acknowledge my situation. I have to accept the circumstances, and what I have to do. Most especially, what's sure to happen. This step is, believe it or not, the most difficult. Accepting your fate is that hardest part, believe me. Because this is the part where you know you cannot escape.
And so it went. Step 1. Usually, it lasts for a long time, because...c'mon, it ain't really that easy forseeing the pain and death you have to go through, and having to accept it. But...mine only lasted a couple of hours. The emptiest hours. Also the part where it doesn't really hurt...it ACHES...
I found myself absent-minded. Hollow. Then suddenly surged with all the pain. Then hollow again. Then despairing. I was reeling. There was nobody to talk to, nobody to hold on to, nobody...only myself. And I hated myself. My barkada had each other, and their families, Ate Lalaine had her bescuz, Ate Sop had her family and Beija, and Beija had her mom and ate Sop. And I had...
Ally.
The most confusing part of Step 1 is where you find yourself doubting God. It seems as if He has left you, let go of you...forsaken you. I hated it. I hated having to doubt God. Even though He allows me to go through this, I didn't want to desert Him. Even if He DID desert me, I wasn't going to. I asked God to help me get through this. To keep me holding on. To give me some sort of sign that I'm not alone in this, and everything's gonna be ok. And so I watched the DVD of The Passion of the Christ for the nth time. I never really paid much attention to the first scene, but...
Wow. I was stunned...
The Agony in the Garden...The part about Christ's suffering we usually neglect. And yet...it was probably the part where Jesus suffered most. Why? Because it was the part where He foresaw the betrayal, pain, suffering, and death that would befall Him, and yet He still accepted...
Why?
Because He loved us too much.
I was staring at the screen, slightly gaping. It was...weird. I thought I was alone in this. I thought God had forsaken me. And yet...He went through the same thing...the same thing for the same reasons...just like me...
...
I prayed.
Opening line?
*Man, God...You're weird...*