Sunday, April 11
Apr. 11 Sun.
"I want you to be mine..." -me
I'm starting to run out of tears again.
Two recurring dreams in one night...
Dream 1:
I was lying down on the bed in my grandma's house. I couldn't seem to move... It felt like I was on my deathbed, or something. I was sick, tired, and drowsy, and my limbs felt heavy - exactly how it feels like when my psychosomatic sleep thing kicks in full force. I could see my right arm stretched out beside me, my fingers barely twitching. It was a sickeningly warm day, and the sunlight was pouring through the window to my left. I looked at the window, and saw this small brown bird - a sparrow, or a maya or something. It was twitting happily, and darting in and out of the window. It hopped around on the bed, and flew around me. It seemed to want to keep me company...I smiled. It flew towards the window to go outside. I glared at the window, and it shut. The bird flew towards the other windows and doors. I glared at them too, and they all shut. The bird had nowhere else to go. I was selfish, but I didn't want to be alone. I wanted it to be with me...It hopped close to my right hand. I summoned all my remaining strength and clutched the little bird. I wanted to keep it to myself, and hold it close...but it was reluctantly wriggling in my loose grasp. It wanted to be with me, but it also wanted to be free... I felt sad. Heartbroken, really.
*I want you to be mine...It's not fair, I just found you...I don't want to let you go...*
But I did. I opened my hand, and let the little bird fly away. It flew up through a hole in the cieling, and was gone. I was alone once more.
Dream 2:
I was in some sort of beach house. I was in my swimsuit, and was about to go outside. I stopped by a bathroom door, and opened it. The moment I flicked on the light, I felt a sense of drowsiness...like I fell into a trance. I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, and pain - the things I suppressed all these years. It was a while before I noticed somebody was already in the room. There was a tall, dark figure in front of me. It looked blurred - like a reflection in a wet mirror.
I stood immobilized, still hurting with all the emotions, as the figure drifted closer, and touched the side of my face. The moment it touched me, all the emotions seemed to amplify and washed over me like a tidal wave. I couldn't bear it. I collapsed. The figure caught me. It carried me and laid me inside a bathtub full of water. As it was lowering me in the warm water, I grew afraid. I tried to sqirm out of its arms and get away. And quite shockingly, it kissed me. Once again, the emotions washed over me, and I was immobilized once again. It lowered me gently, until I was completely submerged. I closed my eyes. The drowning sensation made me feel numb, and seemed to silence the emotions. I felt peace at last...
But I heard voices. It was my Dad's and Kuya's, asking what I was doing, and what was taking so long. I opened my eyes, and realized I didn't want to drown...I wanted to go to the beach. I tried to stand up, but a hand reached down and clamped around my neck. I couldn't get up. I couldn't breathe. I expected them to come and help me, but a voice just like mine spoke up:
"Uh, that's okay, I'm just playing with the water. Mauna na kayo, I'll catch up with you guys later!"
They bought it, and left.
Impostor! I reached up and tried to strangle, or scratch or punch, or whatever that...thing. It held my wrists with its other hand. It told me in a voice just like mine:
"Don't struggle, don't fight it. It's for the best. There is nothing for you here, nothing, never. Rest...rest..."
I was shocked. Who the hell was this creature?! But for some reason, I stopped struggling after it said that...
That was until, more people came. My barkada with Mikee B. stopped by the door, and asked what I was doing. The figure answered the same thing, and they believed it, and left like my Dad and bro. I tried to struggle once more, but it just said the same thing to me, and I stopped. Then, the Trios came along. Their voices seemed a lot more worried than the others', and it took a longer time for them to be convinced by the impostor. I struggled, flailed, and screamed like heck, but to no avail. The grip was too solid, and the water blocked out all sound that escaped my lips.
They left.
I knew nobody else would come. The door closed. I was alone with this...thing, and I was sure to drown. I just closed my eyes, and accepted this inevitable fate. I silenced my mind, and relished the sense of peace. I was going to rest. I was going to rest...And all thanks to this sadistic impostor.
But then...I realized something. This creature...wasn't so sadistic as I first thought it was. The grip it had on my neck - it wasn't tight at all. In fact, the only reason why my neck was aching, was that I was struggling, and trying to get up. And the grip around my wrists wasn't tight either. It spoke:
"There is nothing for you here, nothing, never. Happiness for you is short-lived and surreal. The only real thing for you is suffering, and you wish to escape from it. Here. I give you escape. I give you peace. At last. At long last. I am the only one who will love you. I am the only one you have."
The placid bathwater was disturbed by a sigle drop of tear that escaped the creature's eye. Ripples started to form. I opened my eyes and looked up to the figure. Interesting enough, the ripples cleared up the blurred image of the figure. I saw what it was. And I felt...I lost all feeling.
It was me.