Friday, March 26
Mar. 26 Fri.
"WALANG TULUGAAAAANNN!!!" -kuya
Friday. I woke up and thought...*Hey...I woke up!* I couldn't sleep last night, and I didn't know why. After typing the poem, though, I sorta felt better...sorta.
The day started out kinda nice. I spent the morning dancing to the radio, stretching, singing, and pretty much hanging around the balcony while texting Beija. I was just looking over yonder at the morning sky, while kicking back with the soothing chirps of the local birds. It was relaxing...Until...
beija: "so, watcha doin?"
me: "Just watching the birds fly around, chirping their lungs out, chasing each other, and...wrestling each other...what the...they're...THEY'RE..."
beija: "They're...?"
me: "Good God! They're procreating! Ah, calm down, cel, it's a perfectly natural phenomenon, and...dammit, (screeches at birds) GET A BIODOME, WILL 'YA?!"
beija: *laughs hysterically*
I was a bit bummed coz I didn't get to go with my berks to big r yesterday. And a little bit of sadness goes a long way. It tends to add up to the other bits of sadness I keep locked up from the past. I relived the past pains and sufferings I had to go through in life for no apparent reason at all...and pretty soon, I had collapsed in my room, infront of the poster of Jesus on the wall.
Literally.
*Why do You let me suffer like this, God? Why do you have to make me go through all this and for no reason?! Why?! I'm not trying to test You, or blaspheme You, or anything, but...just tell me WHY!!! Just this once, God...answer me. Just this once, God...save me...*
Then, somebody texted and asked me a question.
*GOD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME?! I ask you to save me, and You do this?! You know more than anybody else what kind of dilemma I'm in, right? You know perfectly well what kind of pain I'm going through because of this blasted curse! Because of this blasted bleeding heart!*
Silence. God just held my hand.
*You...You really want me to suffer, don't You? Well...be happy, God. I'm gonna suffer hell.*
I splashed my face with water from the sink. As I looked at my reflection, I could hear Fate's incessant question:
*What will you do now, Cursed Child?*
I chose to sleep.
I'd succumb to Fate's decree, give in to the kiss of Pain and Misery, and fall asleep in the arms of Loneliness and Death, rather than cause anyone any kind of pain. Especially her.
Before I knew it, I was on the floor, tired and sleepy beyond belief, vision blurring, hearing slurring, and clutching tightly to the only thing that could give me a hug. Ally.
I have this psychosomatic disease. When I can't express what I feel, when I keep everything to myself, when I endure so much in secret for so long, my body finds a way. It shuts down. Literally. I'm so tired of everything, that my body makes it physical. I fall into a deep sleep, almost like a coma. This has only happened to me twice before. The longest I've been asleep was almost two days straight. But this time...I was sure I was never going to wake up. I won't let myself wake up.
As my vision was tunneling, my cell beeped. Three messages at the same time. I just told them that I was simply tired and wanted to sleep. They didn't buy it. I told them to just let me go. They panicked. I told them not to worry about me, and just be happy. They freaked.
*No, no, no! I didn't want it to be this way! I didn't want to hurt them! I want them to be happy, dammit! It seems that everything I do will ultimately...hurt others.*
I wanted to rest. So badly. But they wouldn't let me. If I did, they would jump after me.
ARGH!!! I'M FRIGGIN' STUCK!
*Weigh your choices, Cursed Child. You've been suffering more than they could ever imagine for such a long time. Now you have the chance to rest. You deserve it, right? But if you do, you will cause pain to them. But what's a little bit of pain to them, anyway? In a week's time, they won't even remember your name! You are just an insignificant speck to their long lives, you won't matter much in the future. They'll get over you in a snap! It will only hurt them a little. Just a little. Nothing compared to what you went through, so-*
*SHUT YOUR TRAP, FATE! I'd rather wrench my eyes open, endure life's pointless torture, even shoulder this damn curse just to spare them the least bit of pain! If falling asleep will hurt them, then I'd STAY AWAKE! Now go ahead! Make me suffer! Wreck my already wrecked life! Hurt my already tortured soul! Sige lang! Saktan mo pa ako! Kung kailangan kong magdusa sa buhay na 'to para lang mapaligaya sila, EH, DI SIGE! GAME!*
My friends - even those who I thought weren't even that concerned...contacted me. For no reason at all. I freaked out. This has never happened before. Man, something really wants me to live on. I don't know what, I don't know why. I was afraid of what bad things would happen in the future if I continued to survive. But I realized...
What matters is HERE and NOW. And here and now...I was still alive. Kept alive.
I had to wake up and stay awake. I summoned all my stregth and got to trudge to the ref in search for something that would open my half-closed eyes. I saw...coke. Perfect. Caffeine and Sugar rush. I grabbed the 1.5 litre bottle, took off the cap, and drained the whole thing. I spilled some, sure, but didn't care - I'd clean it up later. Halfway through, I realized something...People don't really pay attention to the taste of coke. It tasted like...caramel. Weird. After downing the whole thing, I slumped in a corner. *Kuya is gonna KILL ME!* He's strict about our family's health, and he hates the fact that my dad and I drink coke like water.
Kuya talked with his blocmate on the phone. They were both in Architecture, and they were chatting about the things they used to do to finish their work.
kuya: "Buti na lang, tapos na yang gabi-gabing homework, ano?"
friend: "Blahblahblah"
kuya: "Ako nga, di ako natulog nang dalawang gabi para lang dun, eh!"
friend: "blahblahBLAHBLAH"
kuya: "Uminom ka nang Lipovitan! Hahahaha! Ano nga ulit yung motto natin?"
friend: "BLAHBLAH!"
kuya: "Ah, oo! (shouts) WALANG TULUGAAAAANNNNN!!!"
me: (snaps open eyes) "Aba, isa ka pang ayaw akong patulugin, ah!"
*My reasons pulled me up.
Fate shut up.
And I...
Got up.*
*And God holds my hand still.*