Sunday, March 21
Mar. 21 Sun.
"You're a little late, I'm already torn...torn..."
-Natalie I.
Sunday. Pretty much like Saturday. Different mall, same torture. Although...today was special. My curse manifested itself. Full power.
First of all, I woke up to yet another nightmare. I looked at my watch. 12:30am. Great. I held my head in my hands. I closed my eyes. And...
I saw his face.
I snapped open my eyes. *No, no, no...he's gone forever!* My old wounds...wounds that I thought I mended, burst open with a fresh wave of excruciating memories of a semi-forgotten past.
*I'm sorry...I'm sorry...im so very sorry...It's all my fault...*
I could still hear his voice...
Still smell his perfume...
Still feel him...
Still...remember...him.
Still remember what I did to him...what I made him do...
*God! I thought he was dead?! Gone forever! And now, you make me think he's still alive? Haven't I suffered enough?!*
I didn't want to go back to sleep. I didn't want to see, to feel, to remember. I just...for once...didn't want to hurt anymore. I curled up into a ball on my bed, and stayed awake until dawn. We went to mass, and then we were off to another bonding time/killing session.
After going to the salon (don't ask), my bro and I went to the internet cafe. I was practically bouncing with excitement that I would finally be able to read their blogs! Wahooo! I viewed the blogs, and noticed a theme going on...they...they were all...saved. They were all saved! They all had their saviors and angels, and they were all being found and pulled, and saved! I was so happy! So very happy for them!
I was wearing my shades the whole time. Laughing all the while. I was so relieved that the curse hurt me, not them. Killed me, not them. They were loved, now, and nothing is better, or more beautiful, or more wondrous than that.
*Nainggit ako...*
But I...I was never meant to be loved. I'll never be saved. That's how its always been. That's how its supposed to be. Nothing can change that. It's true, you know. My life is proof enough. (march 19 entry) I've accepted that a long time ago.
But someone didn't want to accept it.
(Iris plays bgm in internet cafe)
*Please let me go... I'm so tired, already...*
I smiled at the thought of them being pulled out of their dark corners, and flown to a better place. I stood in the way of Fate's arrow, after all. I smiled.
*Now I can go happy.*
But, texts and phone calls from Beija, Ate Sop and Joselle kept me. Weird.
me: (slipping)
Josie: (calls me on my phone) "La lang, nami-miss ko lang yung embrace mo. Wag kang mawawala, ha?"
me: (closes eyes)
me: (slipping)
ate Sop: "Musta ka na, cel? Ok ka lang?"
me: (closes eyes)
me: (slipping)
beija: (calls me on my phone) "GROWEE, STOP. DON'T DO IT. ARE YOU CRAZY?! WAIT...YOU ARE...ANYWAY, IF YOU JUMP, I'LL JUMP AFTER YOU, SOP WILL JUMP AFTER ME, AND LALAINE WILL JUMP AFTER SOP, GETS?"
me: (laughs manically, regardless of the fact that I was in a car with my bro and dad, and they were killing me) "You know, I'm gonna wake up tomorrow, and not even remember any of this."
beija: "ITS NOT A DREAM!"
Beija wanted to call me at my lola's place, but my kuya was using the phone. When he was done, Beija had to go to the salon. When we both got home, Beija's brother beat her to the landline. Damn. I told you Fate was a jerk.
At Lola's place, we ate dinner. KFC. Yum. I sat down for five seconds, FIVE SECONDS, and...was immediately killed. By my dad, bro, aunt, and lola. They ganged up on me in those wee seconds. They said so many bad things about me, and it felt like being scourged. But you know what? Instead of just sitting still and taking it all in like I used to countless times before, I did something different.
I laughed.
I laughed my head off. I excused myself, stood up, and walked out on a killing session. For the 1st time in my life. They were stunned. Their insults ceased, as they watched me walk away, while I was laughing so happily. My dad was able to say: "Hoy...Saan ka pupunta...?" Honestly, I didn't really know. Until...
*toot-toot! toot-toot!*
"May nag-text po kasi, sakin, dad."
Hehe. It was Beija. I told her how downright funny, ridiculous and pathetic they all were. They were stabbing, shooting, and slashing at me, and expecting it to hurt me...
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
Didn't they know?! I'm ALREADY DEAD! They're torturing a dead girl! Hahahahahaha! How stupid is that?!
I fell asleep to the thoughts of being called 'Sister Gegel'...*shudders* Well, 'sis' is much better. Hehe.
I also fell asleep to the song of Torn resonating in my mind, mixing with the story of Hakkai from gensomaden saiyuki...something about his girlfriend killing herself for him, because of him, because of her LOVE for him... I couldn't take it. It was all too familiar...
*I'm sorry for making you sad...for making you jump...for making you destroy your own beautiful life all because of me...I'm so very sorry. If you ARE still alive, then I hope you're happy without me, without the memory of me. But if you're trying to come back to me and try to save me like you promised you would, then...
*You're a little late, I'm already torn...torn..*
Icequeen out.