Wednesday, March 10
Mar. 10 Wednesday
"What? Eating is the most beautiful thing in the world!" -Gsel
Today was just really hot. No, don't get the wrong ideas (like I did). The sun was mercilessly bearing down on us for the whole day - especially during PE. I pretty much got countless lectures about food and eating from so many people. Funny, I don't like it that much. I just...don't see the point. Hehehe. The English test was a breeze, really - which is a big surprise, considering I fell asleep right before I got to study for it. Luckily, I woke up at around 3:45am from another nightmare, and got to study a bit. I went home clutching my side. It was throbbing with pain, coz Maika accidentally knocked her knee against my ribs while trying to sit down at dismissal...I pretty much doubled over with the pain. Speaking of pain and food...
Last night was...terrible. So many things happened in a span of 1 hour. I checked the new blog entries, and one of them made me think I hurt someone again. I thought I made her relive the worst memories in her life. There was a voice screaming in my head: "IDIOT! BASTARD! STUPID CURSED CHILD!!! SEE WHAT YOU'VE DONE! YOU'VE KILLED HER! YOU'VE KILLED HER!!!!!!" My nerves were crackling. My skin was tingling. And my heart...well, what's left of it, that is,...shattered. Then melted. Then seeped into the gutter. The all too familiar feeling of all the suppressed, mixed, and compressed emotions I tried to hide just welled up in me. *What have I done...?* Without even noticing it, I raised my right hand and retracted it. *What have I done?!* I let my emotions slice up my insides before throwing all my strength into my fist and thrust it head-on to the corner edge of the wall. But then...*memories of a promise made not so long ago*...
My hand stopped in midair. My knuckles were a few milimeters from the wood...*I don't know why, but that promise holds a lot of power behind it.* I opened my hand and just...patted the wall. *pat, pat.* Ok. I'll keep my promise. But that didn't take the rotting feeling away. I couln't cry, coz my dad was already home. Must find another outlet...must find outlet...suddenly, the thought hit me. I stood up in a flash, didn't really mind the fact that my head grazed the edge of the computer stand, then shouted: "DADDY! DADDY, GUTOM NA 'KO! KAIN NA TAYO!" My dad just stared. So I took my shades, put them on, skipped down to the dining room, pulled out my chair and said: "Ate! Ate, asan na yung kanin? Gutom na gutom na ako!" She just stared at me while holding the bowl of rice. When the food was set, I just...lost it. I completely lost it. I was shovelling mounds and mounds of rice, steak, and corned beef into my mouth, moving my teeth up and down a few times, then swallowed. I repeated the process again and again, thinking: *For every drop of tear that you want to shed, and for every ounce of pain you want to inflict upon yourself...ISANG SUBO.* My dad and our helpers just watched me with stunned faces and half-open mouths. My dad didn't even make any comment on the fact that I was wearing shades in the house at 7pm. I kept on remembering the times I hurt so the ones I loved, the ones I cared for...and now her. *I didn't just hurt her...I killed her! How could I do such a thing? How?!* There were times that I wanted to break down in tears or just bang my head onto my plate over and over again...but then I just thought: *Naiiyak ka? O, isang subo. Gusto mong sumigaw? O, isa pang subo. Gusto mong sumuntok nang pader? O, isa pang dosenang subo!* Before I knew it, I had finished about two bowls of rice, half a plate of corned beef, and a whole plate of steak in 10 minutes. I downed a whole glass of milo in 3 seconds, and I leaned back to behold the aftermath. I didn't lean back for long, though...I had to run to the sink, coz I nearly threw up.
I trudged back into my room, shut the door, turned up the radio, and...despaired. That's the word. Despair. I grabbed good 'ol glittering Wilcor the utility knife. I flicked out the blade. I was pacing back and forth across my room with a knife in my hand, reliving the worst memories in MY past. After so much pacing, I slumped against the wall and sank down to the cool floor. *Why do I do this?! HOW can I do this?! God, WHY DO YOU LET ME DO THIS TO OTHERS?! Why...why...why...* I looked at myself in my dresser mirror. *Who are you? WHAT are you? You claim to want to help and heal others, and yet you kill them. Haven't you done enough?* I wanted to break the mirror, and kill that creature who hurts others. I pressed my hands against the glass, expecting the glass to shatter in my hands. But it didn't. It bent. I lowered my hands and my gaze. Countless times, I wanted to plunge the blade between my ribs, but it would just stop in mid-plunge when it was pressed against my skin. I would feel my heart beating, and the blade beating with it. Then I would remember my promise, and think of...*why is it still beating? Where does it find the strength to beat? If it's so shattered and frozen...why is it still beating? Why...?* I lowered the knife. Instead, I stabbed it again and again into the wooden floor. *That's it. She will be the last one I'll ever hurt. I'll make sure.* I wiped away my tears, and washed my face to make my dad think my eyes got red by the soap and water. I walked out the door and bid farewell to my dad coz he was going to another bible seminar. I chatted on YM for the last time. For my last apologies.
Well...it turns out that I wasn't the reason she got triggered. According to her, I didn't AT ALL hurt her. In fact, if I DID jump, I'd REALLY make her relive her past. Only proves one thing. I'm stupixd. Straight up. Damn. Why do I keep thinking its my fault whenever people around me get hurt? I always blame myself, coz...of... well, memories of an old semi-forgotten past. Well, at least we ended with a load of laughs. And a Status message of: "Stay, Reason, Stay!"
To a fellow bleeding heart: We have WAY too many things in common...I'll just tell u guys on Friday.
Hehe. Still can't believe people care. Really. Looks like God wants me to live on, ne? (aba, pa NE-NE na rin ako!) I'll live on for the 'therapy night'! HAHAHAHHAHAHA!
Icequeen out.