Saturday, March 13
Mar. 13 Sat.
"Pink cards are not real...they're just...really creepy."
-4 crazy people
Friday. We had our club's culminating activity in the field during lunchtime. Approximately 30 minutes of eating, chatting, and serious laughing.
Bea H: "Ate Celine...Is that still your 1st slice?"
Me: "Um...yeah."
Everyone: "No way!"
Beija: "What?! (looks at own slice) I'm on my 4th!"
Camille: "I'm down to my 6th."
Me: "WHAT?!"
Beija: (looks at my older bro's picture) "I have to agree with Issa, though...Your brother IS good looking."
Issa: "Told 'ya!"
Me: "Heh. Well, I don't. All the girls think he's good looking...and...(pause) all the guys think so too."
Kyra & Beija: (spits out their juice)
Everyone: (rolls on the grass) HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!
During clubtime, we were all supposed to clean up our rooms. But we pretty much ended up sitting along the 2nd yr locker area corridor and having fun. They were all talking about...stuff...that endangered my moral values. So to drown out the words, I just reopened my wound on my middle finger and watch the blood drip out of it. Earlier in the morning, I shattered a pencil in my right hand and didn't even notice the deep bleeding gash it left on my finger. Blood was seeping out of it. Bright crimson. There was no pain...only bleeding. *Is this an omen?*
Anyway, I dressed up for the legacy and evaded people's stares by putting on my shades. I don't know why, but when I wear them, I feel more confident...coz it feels like I'm wearing some sort of disguise - and I could do anything I want and not have to feel so insecure, coz nobody would know it was me.
But people still noticed. Man, did they notice. I trudged a couple of steps from my bus, then was greeted by hollers of "OH MY GOD! ITS CELINE!" I instinctively covered myself with a nearby street sign. Jenny, Beija, Les, Mikee, and I chatted at the volleyball court while wating for the legacy concert to begin.
The concert was cool. Perfomances by the 4th years, Sugarfree, Acafellas, and Hyperbeat. I wore my shades for the better part of the night...due to...reasons incomprehensible. Anyway, I was feeling EXTREMELY HAPPY that night, so I decided to pour out my supressed bad feelings via...dancing. Why dancing? Well, I can't inflict pain on myself anymore coz of the promise, and splurging didn't seem like a good idea coz the food prices were kinda high. So I dragged my pals out on to the moshpit and pretty much...moshed. For two hours straight. I ate no food, had no rest, and danced/jumped/screamed for all I was worth. *Where was all this energy coming from?* I guessed it came from the supressed emotions, expressed by none other than...The Other! Hahahaha! I was dancing like a lunatic, and everyone noticed. But I didn't care. Just this once...I didn't want to care.
Me: (dancing)
Steph: "Ano ba yan, Celine! Natatakot na ako sa 'yo!"
Me: (dancing)
Kyra: "Oh my GOD, Ate!"
Me: (dancing)
Myka: "Yaaak! Anglaswa mo sumayaw!"
Me: (dancing)
Anne: "Wow, Celine...Hyper ka talaga, noh?"
Me: (dancing)
Giselle: "Grabe, Celine! Iba ka talaga! Ngayon lang kitang nakitang ganyan sumayaw!"
Me: (dancing)
Sam: "ATE! IS THAT YOU?!"
Me: (dancing)
Some guy: "Woah...Pare, talo pa nya 'ko sa pag he-headbang at pagtatatalon!"
Me: (dancing)
Nica: "Oh my God, Celine...gusto mo ng 'pole'?"
Me: (dancing)
WB lot: "Is that...Is that CELINE?! OH MY GOD! SHE'S POSSESSED!!!"
Think it was surprising? Weird? Pathetic? Disgusting? Well...*TRY POURING OUT 15 YEARS OF SUPPRESSED EMOTIONS THROUGH DANCING, THEN!*
After the legacy, we went straight to Ate Sop's place.
Ate Sop: "Hey, Cel...take off your shades. Wag kang magtago sa 'min."
Ate Lalaine: "Oo nga."
Me: (takes off shades) "Ok."
Beija: "Haha. Therapy Night begins...(looks at watch)... or rather...Therapy Morning!"
We chatted about everything and nothing...even about Ally...they couldn't even show mercy for an inanimate stuffed frog. Ate Lalaine videocamed it all. We were having so much fun. At around 3am, Les and Angela went to bed, and we just viewed the blog entries. I was sleeping while they read my entry...damn. I should have stayed awake longer. I didn't think they would REALLY read it. Crap. Now I have infected them with my negativity and depression. And this is supposed to be a happy night. Nuts. *Great, Celine. Just great. Another excellent evening wrecked by your stupidity. Bravo.* They kept on pressing about it, but I promised not to tell. I kept on repeating over and over: "Ano ba kayo, I'm happy! Look, I'm smiling! I'm laughing my head off! NYAHAHAHAHA!" But they didn't buy any of it. Bulls#*t daw. *Dang, does anything escape these people? And I thought my disguise was perfect...Ok. I have to make a barrier.* But the barrier didn't work either. They kept on absorbing and sharing my pain. *No way. I won't let them experience even an ounce of what I'm going through.* So I tried my new technique that I was practicing on for a couple of weeks now. The 3 snaps. I snap my fingers thrice, and I cut the connection and take back my pain. It worked, but not for long. I took back the pain they were sensing from me, but they kept on taking it back again. *Do these people really care that much?* I guess they do.
I got to share some simple yet deep points to ponder.
"Ayokong tumakbo...kasi ayokong madapa."
"I like my hands cold...so I can feel the warmth of others."
At some point, Ate Lalaine brought out these CardCaptor Sakura Tarot cards and 'read' for us. During my reading, all I could say was..."Um...uh...I don't believe in this kind of thing...But...Ah...PINK CARDS ARE NOT REAL!!!" Maybe they aren't. But they came pretty close to the truth, though. Too close. *family problems, a past you're trying to forget, Jealousy...jealousy...* It was a good thing...Fate intervened! Hahahaha! Ate Lalaine forgot to read the last card - the one that would determine my overall person. Hehehe...*Looks like God doesn't want me to reveal my true self to the world, yet.* After Ate Sop, Ate Lalaine, and Beija's readings were done, Ate Lalaine took out her newly-charged videocam. She recorded everything. But when it came to the point when they all persuaded me to tell them about *something* in my past, and I actually AGREED to tell them...the videocam died. Mysteriously ran out of battery. *I guess this is really not the proper time to reveal myself to the world...* And after that, at exactly 5am, my cel alarmed. I read aloud the reminder: "Bid farewell, and kill self." *Perfect.* They all scrambled to snatch my phone and shades and tell me off. In all the fuss, I was able to distract them with the time. So we turned in at around 6am. I dunno about them, but I slept for roughly an hour. When my dad called up at 7:45, I got up and went to prepare my stuff. I took one last look at them. They were all sleeping. So soundly. So peaceful. This is one of the reasons why I like being an insomniac. I get to wake up when everyone is asleep, and I would just watch over them. *Ah, the simple things..* As I was reaching for the doorknob, I whispered the two words to them all. I took one last look at them sleeping, and promised:
*I swear. I'll protect them. Whatever happens, I'll save them. Do you hear me, Fate? If you even try to shoot any one of them with your damn arrows like you did in my dream, I'll shoot your arrows down with my own. And if I run out of arrows, I'll stand in the way of yours. And if you root me to the spot, I'll...I'll...I'll make myself fall in love with you and kiss you on the mouth. If that doesn't kill you, NOTHING WILL.*
As I opened the door, I rubbed my eye and thought: "God...ang layo pa nang 8pm...Man, I need my shades."
*They were so happy...*
I rushed down the stairs as quietly as I could, my heart(whats left of it) aching. I crashed on the couch and let my fears, sadness, loneliness, and despair wash over me. But then, somebody was hurriedly coming down the stairs. I quickly dried my eyes and saw...Ate sop.
*You're wrong, ate sop. I'm not the angel, you are.*
Ate Sop: "O, here's your shades. Wag mong sinusuot yan kung gabi, ok?"
Me: (pauses) "Hehe...well, umaga naman ngayon, diba?" (puts on shades)
Ate Sop: "Haay, nako Celine."
*I'm happy...*
*As long as my reasons are happy.*
Icequeen out.