Friday, March 19
Mar 19, Fri.
"I was never meant to be loved..."
-Dr. Dolittle2
Why was I sad? Why was I so depressed? Well, for the same reason for the March 11 and 13 entries.
I'm telling you. Fate might be a straight-up jerk...but he's a downright genius. He's a sadist, alright. But I have to admit, he's really smart.
Imagine this: I am the Cursed Child. Someone who is forced to suffer a life of misery, pain, and despair for no apparent reason. Twisted family, twisted school, twisted friends, twisted self, twisted past, twisted life. I am not like other people. I'm a mistake. A flaw. A glitch in this system called existence. I am not allowed to love or fall in love, and others cannot love or fall in love with me either. Why? Because its just...not meant to be. It's either I suffer, or the other person suffers. Either I die, or the other person dies. My love hurts and kills. It's always been like that. It's how its supposed to be. For 10 times in a row. For 15 years. Beat that.
Any other person with this kind of situation would learn their lesson and give up on love completely. But no. You see, I was also born with an abnormally excessively loving and compassionate heart. I reach out to others who are hurting, and I feel for them. I'd be there for them. I save them. I fall for them. I would hope against hope that the curse would be lifted, but no. They always end up getting hurt in so many different ways. May it be with their family, friends, or life, they just get hurt. And they always end up hating me, and regretting to have even met me in the first place. So I try to learn my lesson, and inch away from others who get close. For their sake. Their lives would be so much better without me in it. Someone gets close, I help them, but move away. I get close to someone, I knock some sense into myself by inflicting pain and reliving my horrid past. It's a good system, and I'm actually starting to get used to the depression. I don't feel so sad or hurt anymore, I just feel...empty. But hey, empty's way better than hurting others and killing myself over and over, right?
Right.
But of course, the balance of nature is lost. The Cursed Child is not suffering as much as she should. Something must be done to regain balance. So, here comes Fate. He puts me in a situation wherein I meet someone who understands me, and viceversa. Someone who saves me, and viceversa. Someone who is almost exactly JUST LIKE ME.
The inevitable happens. The Cursed Child loves once more. There was so much happiness, love, and good memories in this friendship. I didn't notice I was getting too close. I was too happy, too thankful, too hopeful, too found, too saved, too...loved. Until one day...
CRASH. *tinkle, tinkle*
A new truth is revealed about the person loving another. Being saved by another. Being found by another. Being a whole lot happier without me. There goes the Cursed Child. Once again. I died for the nth time. The pain was unbearable, and I died.
But no.
Fate is not satisfied. Needs more...pain. And despair...with a lot more anguish. Fate makes it so that I am pulled countless times, so that I can't escape this pain. And he makes it so that a select few can sense me. And the person can feel my pain. Tries so hard to figure out what the problem is. Who is causing me so much pain. In the process, gets close to me...so close...too close.
Fate laughs heartily. What will you do now, Cursed Child? If you confess the truth, you will surely destroy the person's happiness! You will be hated and deserted like so many times before. But what's worse, is that you'll be hurting the person! Nothing makes you suffer more than that! And if you keep it to yourself, and pretend to be happy, the person will still feel your hidden pain! You cannot tell the truth, because your love for the person IS the reason for your pain! No matter how much you try to push yourself away, the person will try to get closer, try to help you, try to save you, heck, even LOVE you! And you know what that means, don't you?
Fate laughs even more. Yes. The person will suffer and die because of this love associated with you. But you...care too much to let that happen. You LOVE too much to let that happen! You'd rather shoulder the curse than let others get hurt because of you! More pain! More suffering! More anguish! More despair for the Cursed Child! You will do this over and over and over again all your life. You can't escape it, because you are constantly pulled from the edge. Either way, you'll suffer like HELL! You are too easy to manipulate, Cursed Child. Too easy. Why? Because you love too much.
He's right.
So, now you can imagine. What I have to go through when I love.
This is how its always been. This is how its supposed to be. I was never meant to be saved. I was never meant to be loved. I've accepted that.
So, if you think your life's shitty, if you think love hurts, if you think you got it bad, well...read it one more time, and think again.
Icequeen out.