Saturday, September 18
Sept. 18 Sat.
"When its daytime..where do the stars go?" –Azumi
The soiree was okay enough..save the fact that we boiled to tender perfection in that house.
Too many guys..and so little to talk about. As in. I had a partner who did nothing but play basketball. And all we could talk about was basketball this, basketball that, and how basketball made him go to the soiree with his arm in a sling.
But there were a couple of guys who talked to me about books, movies, history, mythology and food.. Haha, least we didnt get too bored. But then, we had to split up for dinner, and my mini swiss knife was put to good use.
Full of donuts, coke, and palabok..i stepped out the house, dodged the chattering crowd, veered away from the closely-knit group of smokers..and just stood in the corner of the garden. I breathed in the cool night air, and stared up at the starry sky.
...
Beautiful.
The stars were beautiful.
The neon lights of the store across the street were bright and flashy.. The ivory paint of the iron fence before me was white and gleaming.. And I was a tall girl in a lime-green razorback..
But none of those looked anything near beautiful.
The stars were so far away..tiny and almost insignificant..twinkling, dwindling, shining feebly through the thick sheets of dark grey clouds..
But they were beautiful.
I wondered why.
...
...
The night ended soon enough, and by the time I collapsed on my bed, I was exhausted and aching all over. I hesitantly pulled the covers over me, as I thought of what I would do when tomorrow comes..
Oh I hated to think that.
Inevitably, I sank into my ancient hatred and dark memories.
...
*Some life I live* I sighed..as the warm tears slowly trickled down the side of my face. I quickly wiped them away, knowing Id be in a lot of trouble if I showed up tomorrow all sick and weak.
*I dont deserve it.
I just dont.
I dont deserve to be happy and saved like them.
I dont deserve anything more than what I have.*
I breathed deeply as my mantra took its toll. All I had to do was accept it..and the pain would slowly ebb away. Hn. The truth DOES set you free.
...
I let myself drown in my own darkness..
Such darkness I have lived with for so many years..
Such darkness nobody could comprehend..
All they see is me..drowning.
But they dont see what im drowning *in*.
...
Black.
Devoid of color.
Devoid of life and love.
Devoid of hope.
...
...
But then..right after I whispered my evening prayers..
I slowly opened my eyes, as a thought drifted into my mind.
Maybe..
Maybe someday..
When this fire has ceased burning..
When the rapids have stopped beating me down..
When this life will be at its darkest..
...
Maybe then, I would shine against the darkness and be beautiful like the stars.
...