Friday, September 24
Sept. 24 Fri.
"For I know well the plan I have for you,
Says the Lord,
A plan for your welfare, not for woe,
Plans to give you a future..
FULL OF HOPE." –Jeremiah 29:11
...
Clutching the folded pieces of paper close to my chest, I crept back into the shadows, away from the world..
Where those cabron de la tierras couldnt take my love letters away.
...
I leaned against the slope of the Multi, popping one mentos grape after the other into my mouth, waiting for someone who I thought would come..
But never did.
I must have missed it when I turned to kindly pat my sick classmate on the back.
...
We strolled through the small forest that separated the retreat house from the formation house.
I took my time to behold the simple beauty of nature.. Gently tracing the dewdrops that clung to the edges of the flowers and leaves with my fingers.. Lightly blowing at an intricate newly-spun spiderweb.. Smiling at the beautiful image of the sunlight pouring through the leaves of the trees..
Being the one at the back of the line has its rewards.
...
"Alright, everyone, take a seat.."
I pulled out a monobloc chair and prepped it against the wooden divider.
"Here we go.." I muttered, slumping into the chair, making it slam hard against the door. All stares turned to me, and I waved a shy apology as I sank lower into my seat.
I tilted my head back, and gazed on the poster which was wobbling along with the door.
"Why, hello there, Jesus."
...
They were telling me how disappointed they were that I didnt give them any letters.
But how?
How could I tell them?
That I spent the whole night trying my damn best to scribble something on a blank sheet of paper..
Something that would tell them just how much I appreciate them..and love them..
The memories that filled my mind and heart were priceless..
And no amount of scribbling would ever come close to how much love I had for them..
How could I tell them?
That letters were unworthy of these emotions?
That letters were just ink and paper?
I tried.
But I sadly closed my mouth as I saw the looks on their faces.
They would never understand.
...
I rolled my eyes, as the facilitator asked us to write down who we felt we should forgive.
My pencil tapped away impatiently on the blank bond paper. The facilitator turned to me, and I was forced to stoop down onto the table and write at least something.
*Mom?
Nah. Too pathetic.
Dad?
Nah. Insulting me is his way of showing just how much he loves me.
Kuya?
Nah. Hes just trying to find his own happiness.
My family?
Nah. Theyre just used to reducing their members into insignificant specks.
Brian?
Nah. All guys are jerks anyway.
My former best friends who left me for dead?
Nah. They were actually smart to hurt me and leave.
Him?
..Nah.. He killed himself BECAUSE he wanted to be with me.
Her?
..Nah.. im not worth falling in love with, anyway.
Then what the heck should I write?*
I closed my eyes and tilted my head back. After a few moments, I snorted and scribbled down the only person who I could never forgive.
*ME*
...
...
I could feel my heart pounding in my head as my classmates randomly pulled out their slips of paper from the basket.
"Okay, come up front and share something about how you relate with the passage in your slip of paper.."
I gulped as I heard the passages they recited.
When the facilitator turned her face to me and stepped closer holding out the basket, I slowly pushed myself backwards.
*God..what are You gonna do to me..?*
I smiled feebly as I dug my fingers deep into the pile. Maybe if I searched the bottom of the basket, I would hopefully unearth a passage that wouldnt make me choke in front of the class.
I slowly slid the paper out and kept it tightly clutched in my hand as I marched up front and took the mic.
I gazed down at the paper and read the passage aloud.
...
"For I know well the plan I have for you..
Says the Lord.."
My breath caught in my throat.
*Jesus..please dont do this..*
"A plan for your welfare, not for woe.."
My mouth had gone dry.
"Plans to give you a future..
FULL OF HOPE."
...
My eyes widened as I stared at the last three words which were all in caps.
My words hung in the cool night air.
The evening breeze held its breath.
It was like the world crashed down on me.
God was a father who pushed me naked into a crowd of people. And Fate was his right hand apprentice, who stood by his side, leering at me.
...
I slowly looked up to my classmates. And they only stared back..
As if they already knew I was gonna shatter into a million pieces.
I opened my mouth and tried to talk. But the mic only amplified several incoherent squeaky sounds. My loose blue shirt was choking my torso, and my sloppy ponytail was stretching back the skin of my face.
I had no idea what to do.
Pursing my trembling lips, I frantically turned to my side..right, left, behind me..anywhere.. I was begging for help. I couldt seem to pull on my mask.. The hidden emotions inside me were bubbling to the surface, and I was about to explode.
I didnt want to explode. Not in front of all these people.
Not ever.
...
Suddenly, He was right in front of me. I was surprised I even missed seeing Him..He was right there..
All along, he was right there.
At the back of the crowd..
The only one who looked at me..and saw me. For who I really was.
...
I breathed deeply.
"When you think of Celine Estrada..what comes into your mind?"
Deep.
Tall.
Mabait.
Martir.
Mapagmahal.
Kaibigan.
Genius.
Encyclopedia.
Empie.
Hudas.
..I winced at the last one. But still laughed.
"Those are all just superficial.
Coz..
You look at me..
But you cant see..
Understand..
Im a sinner..."
...
The silence was so thick, I could cut it with a knife.
But I continued. The child was pushing herself out of her prison..pulling off her mask..
She WANTED to be seen.
Once and for all.
...
"Alam nyo ba..sa lahat ng tao sa mundo..sa tingin ko.."
I closed my eyes and listened to my own soul's silent whisper.
"Im the only one without hope."
...
...
I looked down at the glistening mic and tried to breathe deeply. But there was no stopping them..
They just..came out..
Wouldnt stop.
I could only apologize again and again to those who beheld the bittersweet scenery.
And quite surprisingly..
They werent disgusted.
"Sige lang, celine.. Ilabas mo yan."
The child peeked through her tear-stained fingers.
"Sinasabi ko nga nga ba eh..somehow..we ALL knew that you - celine Estrada - the one who was deep and kind and witty..was the one who was hiding..and going through so much.. Sabi na nga ba eh.."
...
"Alam mo ba..nagtatampo ako kay God."
Silence.
Quite suddenly, they were all around me.
Patting my shoulder..hugging me..wiping away my tears..
I looked up and saw..
They were crying too.
With me..and for me.
"Tampo talaga ako kay Lord eh..
Sabay kumikidlat na daw, haha."
They froze, looked at me through their pink eyes, and whacked me.
"Eto talagang si Celine o..anticlimactic! Nagsisiiyakan na nga kami dito, sabay nagjojoketime pa sha!"
...
...
"Celine..diba ikaw pa nga ang nagsasabi sakin na NEVER LOSE HOPE? Lam mo ba na dahil dun sa sinabi mo..nagawa kong kausapin once and for all yung minamahal ko? Hinding hindi ako papayag na ikaw ay mawawalan ng pag-asa!"
"Alam mo Cel..malakas ka. Sobra. As in. Nagawa mong daanan lahat yun, tapos ang bait bait mo pa..dont give up."
"Yknow Cel..eto lang masasabi ko.. God will not give you burdens that you cannot endure. If it doesnt kill you..it will make you stronger."
"Eh Cel..mas marami pa nga na tao jan na wala na..as in WALA na talagang pag-asa..eh ikaw, andito ka pa rin..its already a blessing.."
...
...
"Guys..okay, id like to..to..to thank..as in THANK YOU TALAGA..to this class.
Kasi..
Berks ko si Celine nang sobrang tagal na..
Pero ngayon..as in ngayon ko lang sha nakitang umiyak ng ganto.
Biruin nyo yun?
Anim..ANIM NA TAON, tingo nya to..tapos napalabas nyo..
Thank you.."
I covered my face and laughed. But seeing that she was..crying..
I handed her the damp scrunched up ball of tissue in my hand.
She stopped crying, looked down at the wad of tissue, and pursed her lips.
"Cel..kaibigan kita..mahal kita..pero please lang. Wag mo naman ibigay yang gamit na tissue sakin!"
The class roared with laughter.
But the child was smiling gently, and hugging her tight.
The mask lay forgotten on the floor.
...
...
It was dark..and a cold chill ran through the kneeling crowd.
The He was right in front of us all..standing in the darkness, illuminated by the soft candlelight glow.
One by one, they broke down and wept.
Too much love.
Too much.
...
I stared into His eyes.
*Rescue them..come to them and comfort them as You said You would.. They need You now more than ever..*
But He only stood there..looking at me.
*If You dont do some sort of a miracle to make them feel You.. they might not.. believe in You anymore..*
He just looked back at me, smiling.
The silence frustrated me.
But then..
Quite suddenly..
I understood.
...
I quietly crawled my way through the kneeling crowd and embraced this broken, weeping, lost soul.
I held her in my arms.
I tucked her hair behind her ear and whispered ever so softly..
"If God is alive through others..
Then..
God is holding you right now.."
She held on to me and wept for all she was worth.
I closed my eyes and smiled as I felt the cool night breeze blow through the room.
For once..
I felt how it was like to be an angel.
...
...
She was clutching my loose blue shirt and sobbing into my shoulder.
"Im sorry..im so..so..sorry..talaga...anlaki talaga ng kasalanan ko sayo nung grade six.."
The darkness hid my tears.
"Lam mo..grade six pa lang..pinagbigyan na kita."
She shook her head and asked: "Pano..?"
I raised my eyes to the dimly lit ceiling as the answer simply flowed out of my mouth.
"You are a creature created and loved by God..
How could I not love someone like that?"
She stared at me through red, tear-filled eyes..
Before flinging her arms around my neck and holding on to me for all she was worth.
...
...
"Tell me whats wrong.." I whispered.
I held her shaking form.
"All this time I was trying to figure out who was it I couldnt forgive.."
I bit my lip. I somehow knew what was gona come next.
"..It was me..all along.."
I closed my eyes.
*Yes..
the hardest person to forgive is yourself.*
...
...
The class' love grew a hundredfold that night.
And I only hope that in the future..we would be proud to say that this section..truly helped us become what we turn out to be.
...
...
I walked through the hallways in my pjs, strands of my hair gently falling into my face.
My classmates turned to me..and stared.
Nica even stopped dead in her tracks.
I leaned back a bit and blinked.
"What?"
They blinked back. Their mouths slightly opened in mild fascination.
"Cel..
Ang ganda mo.."
I laughed in disbelief.
"Ano ba kayo..ampangit ko kaya! Puffy pa mata ko sa kaiiyak!"
They tilted their heads, still studying every feature of my face..then my whole body.
"Di, talaga..
Bagay pala sayo chinita eyes..
Ang ganda mo pala pagtapos mo umiyak."
...
I only smiled..ever so gently..
As I gazed out through the windows..
"Thank you.." I whispered to the soft night sky.
"They are starting to see me..the way you saw me."
Somewhere out there..
halfway around the world..
across oceans of time and dimensions..
Maybe he heard me.
Maybe he was looking down on me from the faint twinkling stars..
Or maybe..
He was looking up at the same dark heavens..
Same Orions Belt..
*You are the only one who will see me..
Beautiful in my tears..*
...