Wednesday, September 8
Sept. 8 Wed.
"Word for the day..ABBA." –me
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Its amazing how one word can make a difference.
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My recess was filled with sweets, impressive masks, coveted hickies, hollow laughter, and blood-stained fingernails.
It was beyond pain.
And I knew..I KNEW I wasn’t gonna last. Not after that.
I had plunged headfirst into an ocean of thick, dark water, and there was no getting out. I let myself sink..ever so slowly..
As the people around me were taken by the hand and pulled up to heaven.. They spread their wings and flew for all they were worth..
And I was left on the ground, hugging my knees, smiling..
Smiling ever so gently at the sight and feel of rustling, ivory wings.
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How I wish I could pick up their fallen feathers, scattered around me..only to try and make my own wings – my own happiness – with theirs.
Too bad my hands stained them with dark red blood.
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I stared in empty space for God knows how long..before the reality crushed every inch of my being like a ton of bricks.
The breath caught in my chest and throat, making my torso burn from the inside. I could feel the anger, jelousy, and pain surge through me with such force, I was pushed to – and OVER – the brink of hatred.
Clenching my hand till my palms were raw didn’t help all that much..it..actually instilled more reason to hate. But..i didn’t want to hate..
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*grins*
Why the hell not?
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Without even thinking, the words seethed through my gritted teeth.
"You wish."
My eyes widened.
Damn..that felt good.
9:35am ... the devil won.
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But I locked my jaw and squeezed my eyes shut. It was wrong..
I put my hands together and clasped them tight..my fingertips turned pale, and my knuckles were bruising, but I didn’t care.. I needed help. I needed..someone who could give me love..
"God..oh God..im sorry..please..help me..grant me love to overcome this hatred.."
But to no avail. The audacious words were mercilessly echoing in my head..mocking me.. snuffing out everything else.
My mind reeled. It seemed like..i was being pinned down a tar-filled barrel..right beneath the surface. Everything added up. And the endless prayers I was screeching into my mind were chopping up and trailing off.
The blood and tears had blinded me. I coulnt see God. I could only hear a sickeningly sweet whisper in my ear..
"Where is your God now..? He doesn’t even listen to your prayers. Foolish child..give in."
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My lips were moving endlessly, muttering incoherent words.. But then..something resurfaced from the depths of my mind..i didn’t even know where it came from..or why I suddenly thought of it..it just did.
The word softly escaped my mouth..
"Abba.."
I opened my eyes. Quite suddenly..i felt lighter..my mind was clearer.. Now I remembered. I saw it in The Passion of the Christ. It was Hebrew for ‘father’..no, deeper than that.. “Daddy.� such a name used by Jesus to address God.. My dad says its one of the most powerful names people used for God.
"Abba.." I said it again. "please..please help me. Don’t let me give in to this..grant me strength..and love.."
I blinked. A strange sensation washed over me. Nice, and light, and..
Peaceful. It was peace.
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For once in a long..long time..
I was happy.
Truly happy.
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