Wednesday, December 8
Dec. 8 Wed.
"I feel my wings have broken
in your hands..
I feel the words unspoken
Inside..
When they pull you under;
And I would give you anything you want,
You were all I wanted,
All my dreams are fallin down
Crawlin round and round and round..
...
Somebody save me..
Let your warm hands break right through me;
Somebody save me..
I dont care how you do it,
Just save me, save..
Come on..
Ive been waiting for you." -Save Me
...
I remember crashing on the bed after dad shunned me to my room, filling my head with the cold sting of gun metal and diamonds against my skin, and the dull rotting taste of death on my lips.
I dreamt of taking drugs and losing myself to the delightful grip of numbness and sweet forgetfulness with a single lick of brown powdered escape sealed in a ziplock bag..
...
...
I awoke to another morning, with the sun frying my cheek and the grip of treachery and lies violently tilting my chin up to the harsh reality of humanity and this blasted life of mine.
She promised..she promised..
I can still feel her warm tears drenching my shirt..
Still hear her muffled apologies..
She broke her promise along with my heart..
AGAIN.
I should have never expected her - or anyone at all - to give me that kind of credit..respect..to keep their word..
She loves her pride more than me.
...
...
I remember flying..
The warmth and color from my face flushing and dissipating, as I retreated to yet another windowsill, stretching my fingers through the slices of glass in a desperate attempt to touch the clouds and feel THAT touch yet again..just once..
Just one more time..
Before i..
Before i.......
...
...
I remember Maika looking at me and suddenly garble that she had a dream about me just last night..
I remember furiously blinking and wiping away the stinging tears in my eyes, before gently smiling and asking her to tell me this dream of hers..
I remember hearing my heart thunder in my chest and ears as she spoke of me having my sixteenth birthday party once again..that it was such a grand occasion, and everyone was invited..
She was astounded to see my mom arranging the party..
She wondered out loud why my sixteenth birthday party was so damn grand - I mean, real grand. As in..three layer cake, candles, tables and chairs, and the gowns..
Then she learned it was because my party was held at the same time as my parents' RE-MARRIAGE..
I remember flushing and gaping at her narration..i didnt know what the hell to say or how to react..i garbled the first words that came to me.
"A-anong kulay ng gown ko?"
she thought for a minute, as I snorted at the stupidity of my own question. No doubt it would be pink.
But I also remember slowly standing up and shedding tears and crying openly with joy on her shoulders as she told me.
"Kulay PEACH. Peach. Bagay na bagay sayo yung kulay..
may korona ka pa nga, eh..
ang ganda mo dun.."
...
...
I remember burying my head in a soft flurry of cool soft pillows as I fell asleep to the thoughts of me in a peach colored gown wearing a tiara, happily celebrating my sweet sixteen with my friends and WHOLE family..
I remember dreaming once again of a dream I had before..
One where I stood in a big white place that seemed to be made up of clouds and cotton and feathers of pink and white..i looked into the distance before me, and there he was..just standing there..looking just as lost and mildly curious as I was..
We caught each others eye, and I saw his face brighten..like a little kid on his first birthday..
I remember that I ran..i ran..
Ran across the wide expanse of clouds and feathers towards him..then I jumped..yeah, I jumped..high into the air..
I remember him looking up at me, then spreading his arms wide open to catch me..
Time slowed down then..then suddenly I fell into his embrace, and we were both on the fluffy ground, rolling around with laughter as we held each other and spat out the feathers..
I remember the song If We Hold On Together playing softly in the background..
I remember how it felt like.
It felt like heaven.
...