Tuesday, December 28
Dec. 28 Tues.
"No thanks..
I’ll dig myself out." -Sop
...
I needed a break.
From all the trials, tests, insults, teases, burns, doubts, and fears.
Kahit isang gabi lang.
Pills are for dweebs, and I gave my word not to do anything else.
Great.
...
Its hard to escape.
Its a lot harder to escape when you care.
I should really make up my mind.
...
You dont understand, do you?
As you hold your lover's hand,
Eat the food your mother cooks,
Bashfully deny the praises you receive..
Its not fair..
No, its never fair.
...
There is consolation in the solstice of winter..
No pain, no joy..
No past, no future..
Only the frozen memories that you have kept,
That will never thaw with time, nor spring.
...
I do it for you, dont I?
You, you, and you.
All of you.
Its not really about me, its about you.
You need me..
Like the year needs the winter,
Like a class needs a comic relief,
Like a barkada needs its stoic member,
Like a rose needs its thorns,
Like a haystack needs its needle,
Like a painting needs its solitary flaw.
Yeah, im tired of it.
Im tired of being the "has to be" just to complete your picture, your feeling, your conscience..
Try it sometime.
You'll feel your self-worth hit rock bottom.
...
...
I have dreams too, you know..
Such beautiful dreams.
You cannot even start to imagine.
God probably gave me a tiny gem of salvation..
Like a suicide pill..
My imagination.
...
When the feelings merge and mold and melt into one big glob that rots my body and soul from the inside out..
When the touches and kisses burn every nerve, and push me to the brink of insanity..
When the irony plunges into my heart and slices it with every single lub-dub as I fight to stay alive..
When the alcohol burns my lips, and lulls me to tantalizing unreachable sleep..
When the hot smoke grips my throat and grazes the inner walls of my lungs..
When the cold metal sears my skin and overshadows the emotional pain..
When the dry click of the safety lever drowns out all good memories..
I fall into my own mind..
To sweet escape.
...
My imagination is the most precious gift I use for myself.
I have lived inside my own world for three quarters of my sixteen years.
Its only a matter of time when I learn not to snap back to reality.
...
...
I learned something new today.
I can have my break while still doing normal everyday things.
Its all about my eyes.
*grin*
I can slip on a new sheet of reality; shielding my own soul from the world, while seeing everything in its blurred chaos.
...
I tried it out on my brother.
"Kuya, tingnan mo mata ko. Im gonna do something with my eyes, then tell me what you observe."
"Okay.."
I close my eyes..
Relax..
Then..
Open.
"Wala namang nagbago ah.."
"Look deeper."
"Oh..my..gosh.."
I grin.
"Shit, Cel..parang..parang nag-darken mata mo.."
"Talaga? Kewl."
"Not kewl. Its like.. you lost your soul.."
...
I went around, holding the soulless look best I could..
People passed by.
But the few who really did look closely stopped and turned..then sped away.
I didnt care.
I could hardly see them..
And they didnt see me.
...
Your dark side is centered around Pain. You feel
you want to scream and cry, want to leave this
place and run away from everything but you
can't, you are trapped inside your head and
there is no way out. All you want is a
beautiful unique mind just like you, can listen
and understand so you can full your world with
happiness and peace. You will find what you
want when you simplify your life and stop
looking to the dark side.
What is the center of your dark core? (updated)
brought to you by Quizilla
...
See me..
See me now.