Monday, December 27
Dec. 27 Mon.
"Wake up, Cel.." -Dude
...
I dont remember opening my eyes, or what was the first thing I saw when I did.
Was it the pillow? The window? The door? The wall? The ceiling?
No, I dont remember.
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I dont remember what it was that I so feverishly prepped up for today, or why our ref is stacked up with snacks and soda.
I dont remember why I didnt bother opening the message on my cel.
I dont..really remember..
...
I dont remember how and when I plugged in the internet cord, or why I clicked the close button after scrolling down on a blog.
It was mildly confusing..
But I dont remember.
...
...
I asked my dad, and he says its stress that was making me forget the names of the crushes of my friends, and the useless homework given by Sir Eric.
Stress?
Maybe.
...
I found out what was making me forget.
I caught myself involuntarily and absent mindedly talking to myself, shaking my head and mumbling a low:
IT DOESNT MATTER.
Then it registered. That was it.
Dad said it was an extraordinary and handy gift. I could consciously analyze and categorize the information I aquired, and make myself forget the ones I considered trivial and useless.
And all I had to do was mumble a soft "It doesnt matter.." and wait for the command to register, then gently delete the memory.
Its handy most of the time, especially when I really needed an escape from the memories..
But it kinda irritates my friends, coz they always have to remind me about those little things.
...
...
I found myself mumbling "it doesnt matter"s all day, careful to be gentle and firm and relaxed with the command, and not twitchy and fidgety with the memory I so wanted to get rid of.
Damn, the day was full of em.
I sank into the incredibly soft mound of blankets and pillows on my bed, with my mind softly buzzing and drifting with the unfamiliar avoidance of painful memories..
I filled my mind with images of my dreams and desires as vivid as possible, giving in to temptation just for the night..
Dreams and desires?
I had only one.
And no, I would not let him wake me up again.
I would rather hold on to a dream forever than to live a pointless nightmare.
Did I dream?
I didnt have to.
...
*Surrender*
The Calling
So here we are, all alone..
As the wine makes you mine for the night.
Soft is the way that you feel,
And hard is the way that we breathe..
In, out, we're moving
Along with the dirt on the floor..
I know what I lack is devotion..
And I cant fight this off anymore.
We'll go surrender to the night,
We wont look back at our lives..
And when you sleep, I'll be there -
To kiss your lips, to breathe your air;
Right or wrong, it must go on -
After this night, we'll leave it all behind.
Two hearts beat as one,
As I open my eyes..
Well, do you want me to keep going?
Cause I have already come all undone..
We'll go surrendering to our lives..
When you sleep, I'll be there -
To kiss your lips, to breathe your air;
Right or wrong, it cant go on -
After this night, we'll leave it all behind.
But im still feeling drawn to you - in my dreams, so it seems.
The man in me always gets his way,
Never pays for what he's done..
I need you now, love, love, love..
I crave you now, love, love, love..
...
I know its bad, but I really do hate her, and she deserves to burn in hell..
And heck..
It felt so damn good.
...