Wednesday, August 11
Aug. 11 Wed.
“Bakit hindi kita nakita..?� –the Angel, and the Saint
...
I slumped against the wall of my bedroom.
I sat still, as I felt the cool night air creep into my skin.
Silence.
I closed my eyes and gently played back the soft, tattered fragments of memories...
The day was so sweet.
...
...
I flicked on the lighter.
Once.
Twice.
*Whoosh*
I twirled the end of the stick over the flickering flame, until it glowed a bright red.
I set the lighter aside, sat on the floor, and relished the soft, warm smoke that slowly filled my lungs with subtle sweetness.
Insence.
Essence of Peach.
...
...
Y’know...
I like this day.
Its sweet...
But not the sickeningly sweet kind...or even the blandly sweet kind...
Just right.
Sweet as peaches.
...
Heh. Peaches.
I wonder if you still -
...
*smiles*
Y’know...
I miss talking to you. About anything and everything...
Hehe, did you know...
I was in GUY mode today? Hahahaha! We had our practical test in PE, and I dressed up as a 50’s guy! Damn, I looked so pathetic, I tell you! Black pinstripe pants, loose checkered polo shirt, and my hair in a red beret! (talk about a fashion nightmare for my bro!) Hahahaha! Hm...kinda looks like you! Haha, joke. We danced chacha, boogie, and swing...it ended catastrophically, but hey. We had a blast! Specially me, hehe.
...
*sigh.*
Well...you know perfectly well that I only dressed up like that because...
I think I suck at being a girl.
And I don’t have to think. I know.
Maybe...
Maybe if I acted as something else – a guy, for example – I wouldn’t suck as much?
I could start anew?
Hey, I’m only a haircut away!
...
Oh, and...I saw them today. One fateful turn of my head, and there they were. In the distance...so far away...
I tried to call out to them, but they didn’t hear me...
They were laughing. They were happy. I stopped calling out.
I just stood against that railing, and watched as they walked away...
Why is it that everytime I see them, they’re always so far ahead, walking away from me, so happy...
And why is it that I can only watch?
They asked me why they didn’t see me.
It doesn’t matter...I saw them.
...I wish you could be here beside me, and reassure me that its alright...
...
...
Hmm...
I wonder...
What could you be doing...right at this moment...
Most probably, you’d be slumped in your armchair, listening to the endless droning of your History teacher, hehe.
You’d be pretending that you’re listening – diligently taking down notes on your leather-bound notebook, when in fact you’re just itching to stand on your desk, yell “I’m king of the woooorld, wohoooo!!!� , jump out the window in an impressive front flip-tuck double twist, land gracefully on your feet, roll around on the grass, scale the school fence, and sing “Come What May� and “Only Hope� at the top of your lungs.
Haha, yeah...
Or...
You’d be dodging glances from the people around you, and racing towards the nearest hilltop, to stare at the sunset.
You’d shut off your celphone and slump against a tree or some boulder...just watching the dry brown leaves weave across the crimson sky. You’d close your eyes then, and relish the feel of the cool twilight breeze running its fingers through your hair...
...
But...
Most likely...
You’d be with your family and friends around the dinner table, cracking jokes and making fun of the various items you pull out of the fancily-wrapped boxes they give you.
You’d be laughing then...throwing your head back, and grinning like an idiot as they surprise you by bringing out a large mocha cake, topped with strawberries.
Your friends would be roaring with laughter, as they fight the urge to stick their fingers in the icing, and throw them at each other. But they would all fall silent, as they beg you to make a wish...
A new car?
Tickets to a concert?
New strings for your bass guitar?
New case for your flute?
World peace?
You take all the time in the world, staring blankly at the tablecloth, thinking of what you want to wish for... You think that it doesn’t really matter...its just a wish.
...But what if it came true?
You close your eyes for a moment and gently smile... Before taking a deep breath and blowing out the flames of the 17 blue candles on your cake. You slowly open your eyes, to cheers and applause of your family and friends, as they celebrate your 17th year.
...
17...
17...
You should have been 17 today...
17 in the eyes of others.
17 in the eyes of those who see you –
...but don’t really see you.
...
But I...
I would be the only girl –
The only person...
Who would come up to you, look deep into your eyes, smile gently as your image blurrs through my tears...
I would take your hand in mine, and place my one and only gift on your palm, and close your fingers around it.
I would relish the look on your face, as your expression changes into unbelieving fascination...as your eyes reflect the crimson and azure glow of the gift in your hand...
I would be the only person who would say...
...
...
“Happy *19th* birthday, Dude.�