Monday, August 16
Aug. 16 Mon.
“Everytime I try to fly,
I fall,
Without my wings,
I feel so small...� –Everytime, Britney Spears
...
Step 7: The Journey Back to Square One.
...
Yes.
I’m going back to square one.
Where I’ve always been.
Crashed back down...
Fell so far, so hard...
Back to this state of mind,
State of consciousness where I’m neither alive nor dead,
Neither hurting, nor happy.
Just...
Numb.
...
For me, love is just like life –
It’s a journey.
Like climbing a flight of stairs...
At first, you’re at the bottom step – blank and numb, and pretty much dead. You don’t want to climb up, coz you feel scared...scared to take chances, scared to get hurt, scared for the unknown...
But then, there comes a time when something drives you to go up. For life, its your dreams. For love, its that certain someone.
You drop your guard, take a deep breath, and climb.
At first, it scares the hell out of you, coz you have no idea how this goes, or how this will end...but you still go on, slow and steady.
Once you get the hang of it, you sometimes even risk it all and scurry at top speed – nevermind the rickety or missing steps.
Once in a while, you trip – and get hurt, or fall down. It discourages you a little, but hey. You dust yourself off, get back up, and climb once again. And you learn from your mistakes – that some steps are merely illusions, or sometimes misleading. So you learn how to distinguish the good sturdy steps from the bad ones, and know which ones to take.
At some point, you get tired...and just linger on one step. It doesn’t matter, once you’ve gathered your strength, you’ll continue climbing.
But sometimes, when you pause, you look down. And you see just how unnervingly high up you are. Sometimes, you climb back down a few steps, but often, you conclude that your goal is worth more than giving up; so you face your fears, and continue climbing.
And after that long, challenging journey through life or love, you finally reach the top. You live your dreams, or get to be with that certain someone.
At last, at long last.
Plus, you would’ve learned a lot from your experience, and be able to apply these lessons in other aspects in your life.
You become a better person.
...
...
But its different for me.
I linger on the bottom step for too long.
I very rarely get inspired or allow myself to get driven to climb up at all.
But when I do...
Oh boy.
I give my all.
I climb up, but fall back down to the bottom step.
No matter, I’ll just get back up.
And so I do.
But...I fall back down to the bottom step once again.
Okay, I’ll learn.
And yet...
No matter what I do, say, think or feel, something ALWAYS happens to make me fall back down.
Back to the bottom step.
Back to square one.
...
So much so, that I CHOOSE to stay at square one.
I curl up and hold on to myself at the bottom step.
I close my eyes, cover my ears, and wrap my broken bleeding wings around me.
*I don’t want to get hurt again...
Get away from me...*
I’ve done this countless times...
And still I haven’t learned.
I should just swat away or cringe from the reaches of Hope.
But love...you cannot escape from it.
You can’t hide from Love.
...
I’ve crashed back down on square one so many times, the bottom step is already lined with dried blood from my wounds.
I know every single inch of square one.
Every single emotion, feeling, sensation.
I love it at square one because I know everything about it.
And it doesn’t hurt here.
But...
I also hate it.
...
Because it isn’t happy here either.
I’m always sick, always tired, always numb and uninspired.
I’m dead here.
Everything passes by me, and makes no impression whatsoever.
Like fine grains of diamonds slipping through my fingers.
Time seems to both drag by excruciatingly, and zoom by so fast.
I’m drowning here.
Suffocating.
And there’s no hope or love at all.
Nothing.
...
...
And I’m back here.
Once again.
*Ito naman ang gusto nyo, diba?
Its for the best naman, eh.
At kung ayaw man nyo...
...
Sige nga?
May magagawa pa ba kayo?*
...