Friday, August 6
Aug. 6 Fri.
“I can’t run anymore, I fall before You
Here I am, I have nothing left
Though I’ve tried to forget, You’re all that I am
Take me home, I’m through fighting it –
Broken, lifeless,
I give up.
You’re my only strength,
Without You, I can’t go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.� –October, Evanescence
...
The day was nice.
It was soft, and mellow, and somewhat fluffy.
It felt like I was sinking into a warm mound of pillows.
I was smiling gently the whole day long.
Not an ounce of lingering sadness, not a tinge of dark envy.
Just love.
Perfect.
...
I failed to remember my brother’s philosophy:
*If its too good to be true, then it must not be true.*
...
...
I turned.
And saw...something unexpected.
A golden statue...
Majestic, and magnificent,
Reflecting all the glorious colors of the prism in its crystal silhouette,
Glimmering, shining,
Far brighter than the sun itself.
...Something I’d never be.
I froze in its presence.
I felt myself crumble, deteriorate, rot from the inside out.
In a fraction of a second, I burned into ashes.
Silky black filaments, feather-light and glossy –
Slowly lifted from Life’s hands for a moment or two...
Before being cruelly snatched away by the winds -
Mercilessly ground, pulverized into tiny fragments,
Ebonic dust...
Scattered across the endless wasteland of nothingness.
...
...
My vision blurred.
My breath caught in my throat.
Literally.
I never had asthma, but whatever I felt for those excruciating moments was a hell of a lot worse than anything I’ve ever felt before.
My chest burned.
My heart was pounding against my aching ribs with hollow beats.
I couldn’t breathe...and I’m not exaggerating. At all.
My lungs felt like...they were being filled up with some sort of fluid –
Water?
Blood?
Both?
I wouldn’t know...
My head reeled, and so did my body.
I never felt such dire need to breathe properly.
Close to tears, I ran.
Someone called out to me, but I could hardly hear.
A part of me...
Didn’t want to hear.
Didn’t want to feel.
Didn’t want to touch, to see, to be so damn close...
Not now...
Not when I finally got through a perfectly loving day...
Suddenly, unexpectedly...
I had to love some more.
*What am I supposed to do?*
...
...
I tripped.
And fell.
And shattered into a thousand pieces.
Again.
...
Stunned, I stayed down.
I NEVER wanted to get up.
Ever.
I couldn’t cry.
I couldn’t scream.
I just hugged my knees, and didn’t move.
*Leave me alone, Fate...you’ve hurt me enough...*
Not enough. No. Never enough.
Not enough pain.
Not enough despair.
Not enough...
Love.
Ne?
...
...
I sat at the end of the bus, still tingling all over with adrenalin, and the sensation of frying nerves.
I was still in shock.
And my lungs were still filled with fluid, making my every breath squeak ever so softly.
Then...
“There never seems to be,
because what I believe,
a moment I’m not trying...
To show them who I am,
why can’t they understand
The things that they’re denying?�
I sank into my seat.
Great...another one of Fate’s tricks.
I was gonna shatter again...
“So what should I do?
Just lay next to you,
As though I’m
Unaffected?
And who should I be?
If they’re judging me
As though I’m
Unaffected?�
I grit my teeth.
I wasn’t gonna give in.
I had to fight.
...
I lost.
...
...
“So what should I do?
I’m not unaffected...�
My eyes brimmed with the impending tears.
I was trembling...
“And who should I be?
I’m not unaffected...�
I took a deep breath and closed my eyes.
*WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
OH GOD...*
...
...
I clung to myself, frantically trying to keep the broken pieces together with shaking hands.
*This is...all I have...*
I felt a warm hand on my shoulder.
I cringed away from it.
He gently held me steady, and looked into my eyes.
And with a warm, comforting voice...
“Celine...
Do you love Me?�
...
It took an eternity for me to answer.
But with all confidence, I answered a brave:
“Yes.�
...
He asked still...
“What are you going to do..?�
I tilted my head up, and said:
“I choose to love. I always will.�
Silence.
My words lingered in the air.
Sweet...
But with a kiss of bitterness.
“Even though it means more pain for you? Why?�
...
I breathed deeply. I dropped everything.
I remembered something a saint said once.
“Because I can’t love You if I don’t love Your cross.�
...
He smiled.
Such a warm smile.
It gave me strength.
“Do you trust Me?�
“Yes.�
He gently held my hand.
“Then get up.�
...
...
I did.